Jocko Underground Podcast #190 Summary
Episode Title: My Best Man Insulted Me and My Wife. Should I Forgive Him?
Release Date: November 17, 2025
Hosts: Jocko Willink & Echo Charles

Main Theme

This episode dives into a listener's predicament involving a falling out with his best man after a wedding incident, leading to questions about forgiveness, friendship, and personal discipline. Jocko and Echo use the scenario to discuss broader themes of drama avoidance, emotional maturity, and the value of focusing on personal growth — particularly through the lens of Jiu Jitsu.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Listener’s Story (00:14–03:03)

• Scenario Recap:
  • Listener married six months ago; the best man caused a scene by arguing with the bride at the wedding (about a bridesmaid’s ex-partner being invited).
  • Despite previous conversations and assurances from the best man, drama flared up post-wedding.
  • Apology by text was followed by more justification/argument, then cold silence for months.
  • Contact reignited around mutual friends’ birthdays, with the best man reaching out belatedly.
  • Listener feels the apology was hollow, is disappointed, and wonders if reconciliation is worthwhile.
  • Listener has also been training Jiu Jitsu for two years, credits Jocko's influence.

2. Jocko’s Core Advice: Focus on What Matters

(03:04–05:13; 08:01–10:23)

• Avoiding Drama:
  • “Don’t do drama. It’s not part of our jam.” (04:14, Jocko)
  • Jocko urges the listener to step away from unnecessary drama and not to be sucked into emotional, ego-driven conflicts.
• On Friendship Drifting:
  • “If there’s someone that is inviting me to a party, if I want to go, I go. If I don’t want to go, I don’t go. If the person that’s supposed to be there doesn’t want to go 'cause I’m there... I won’t go. I don’t really care.” (07:07, Jocko)
  • Let the relationship “drift apart naturally,” with no added drama or resentment.
• On Internal Priorities:
  • “You got married. You got a wife. You got kids on the way, most likely... Why are you concerned about this?” (08:26, Jocko)
  • Encourages focusing energy on more meaningful pursuits and relationships.

3. Jiu Jitsu as a Guiding Mindset

(03:04–06:25)

• The 2-Year Mark:
  • Jocko relates the listener’s frustration with friendship to Jiu Jitsu milestones: “At the two year mark... you’re starting to get good... but there’s probably one or two purple belts still getting you.” (03:21, Jocko)
• Development Advice:
  • Train with those better, equal, and less skilled than you to “develop all aspects of your game.” (05:55, Jocko)
• Lesson Applied:
  • The focus and discipline learned on the mat are contrasted with off-mat drama — prioritize self-improvement over interpersonal conflicts.

4. Echo’s Perspective: Extreme Ownership & Forgiveness

(10:23–15:23)

• On Apologies and Forgiveness:
  • “He said sorry. Call them up. Be like, bro, forgiven. What up? Where we at? What’s been going on kind of a thing. He said sorry. Take it for what it is.” (11:11, Echo)
  • Echo reminds listeners of “extreme ownership”: let things go if an apology is offered, don’t hold grudges over minor issues.
• On Assigning Malice & Expectations:
  • Don’t “assign malice to tardiness or whatever… I think there’s no factor.” (14:46, Echo)
• On Birthdays & Social Expectations:
  • Both hosts poke fun at giving importance to birthdays and taking offense at late well-wishes:
    • “If you’re salty because someone missed the day by two days or 48 hours... No, this text should have come 48 hours ago... Actually, it’s an offense to my sensibilities.” (13:37, Echo)
    • “Happy birthday from you is not happening.” (14:26, Jocko)

5. Closing Life Lessons

• Let Go of Petty Grievances:
  • Being “in the wrong for thinking about this kind of thing” (09:13, Jocko) and letting minor drama occupy emotional space is discouraged.
• Not All Friendships Last Forever:
  • “People just don’t value... It’s no big deal. Just don’t hold it against him.” (10:01, Jocko)
• Politeness and Decency:
  • Dealing with former friends with polite indifference is preferable to fueling conflict.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Drama Avoidance:

  • “We’re letting — we’re taking the oxygen away from this drama. We’re not going to feed the drama. We’re just gonna let the drama, like, consume itself over there by its own. And we’re gonna be over here thinking about Jiu Jitsu.”
    — Jocko Willink (08:01)

• On Personal Growth Over Friendship Drama:

  • “You got married, so, bro, you got married. You’re married. Like, why are you concerned about this?”
    — Jocko Willink (08:27)

• On Apologies and Letting Go:

  • “He said sorry. Call them up. Be like, bro, forgiven... You gotta start letting stuff slide.”
    — Echo Charles (11:11)

• On Social Rituals:

  • “If you’re salty because someone missed the day by two days or 48 hours or whatever. No, no. This text should have come 48 hours ago... Actually, it’s an offense to my sensibilities.”
    — Echo Charles (13:37)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Listener Scenario Read-Aloud: 00:14–03:03
• Jocko on Focusing on Jiu Jitsu Instead of Drama: 03:04–06:25
• Approach to Drama & Drifting Friendships: 06:29–10:23
• Echo on Forgiveness, Friendship, & Birthdays: 10:23–15:23

Summary Table

| Topic | Key Insight | Timestamp | |------------------------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------|-------------| | Listener's Fallout with Best Man | Event recap, emotional fallout, Jiu Jitsu alongside | 00:14–03:03 | | Jocko on Priorities | Avoid drama, let relationships drift naturally | 03:04–10:23 | | Jiu Jitsu Lessons Applied to Life | Focus on training, improvement, don't sweat the drama | 03:04–06:25 | | Echo on Apologies & Ownership | Accept apologies, don't assign malice, downplay birthday drama | 10:23–15:23 |

Takeaways for Listeners

• Prioritize your own growth and meaningful relationships.
• Avoid adding fuel to petty drama or ego-driven conflicts.
• Accept apologies and move on—don’t hold grudges over minor slights.
• Let friendships drift naturally if they're fraught with drama.
• Don’t sweat social rituals like birthday wishes; focus on bigger things.
• Use the mindset and discipline learned in pursuits like Jiu Jitsu as a model for handling turbulence in life.

The tone throughout the episode remains direct, pragmatic, occasionally humorous, and centered on personal responsibility and emotional detachment from unnecessary drama.