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This is me, Craig Ferguson. I'm inviting you to come and see my brand new comedy hour. Well, it's actually, it's about an hour and a half and I don't have an opener because these guys cost money. But what I'm saying is I'll be on stage for a while anyway. Come and see me live on the Pants on Fire tour in your region. Tickets are on sale now and we'll be adding more as the Tour continues throughout 2025 and beyond. For a full list of dates, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com See you on the road, my dears.

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Hello, my name is Craig Ferguson. This is the Joy Podcast coming to you today from a little tiny room at the top of a hotel in Glasgow, Scotland. I'm here doing a thing which I can't tell you about, but it's not crime. I'm not here doing a crime, I'm doing a bit of show business work, but in Glasgow, Scotland, which is the weirdest thing because I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm from here. Well, not from. I was born in Glasgow, Scotland, and I grew up in a little sort of suburb, satellite town of Glasgow, Scotland called Cumbernauld, which is. I've said a lot of mean things about it over the years. It's not that bad. As long as. As long as I don't have to live there, it's fine. And I'm sure they feel the same way. Now, I don't have a guest today because I'm in a hotel room and if I had a guest, that would be a whole different scenario. So what I am doing today is yet another questions and answers episode of the podcast where I receive. I asked on the socials, as they call them, if you would send in questions and I would answer them because I feel like that's only the right thing to do. So today again, you are the guest in the Joy Cod podcast. And this is. This is my first guess this morning is from Chris Fisher. He's Chris Fisher. I don't wear Chris's phone, but I'm gonna say he's from Switzerland. I don't know if he is, but why not good places any. I've never been to Switzerland. Tell a lie. I changed planes there or I didn't change players there once. I was once on a plane flying from London to the Seychelles and Seychelles air and I think at the time the Seychelles air only Seychelles is about a thousand miles off the coast of Western Africa and I Was going there for. I don't know why I was going there. I was going there, I think, for a holiday. It was back in the day, you know, let's go to the Seychelles. Yes. So I was on my way to the Seychelles, the Air Seychelles. I could only afford a, you know, a kind of coach seat on an airline I'd never heard of. Anyway, Air Seychelles. They stopped their plane in Zurich, Switzerland, to refuel it. And while I was there, they opened the back door of the plane, the cargo door of the plane. They went up and I stood there and had a look around and saw Switzerland. Seemed all right to me. Couldn't tell much from the back of a plane that was refueling at Zurich airport, But it seemed very nice. People seemed nice, but I didn't talk to anyone. They were only off in the distance blowing big, giant alpine horns and enjoying delicious chocolate and clocks that were fascinatingly accurate. Anyway, this is from Chris Fisher in Switzerland Goodentown. I personally am a big Muppet fan. He says, me too. I know you have been on Sesame street and had the Muppets on your old late night show. What are some things you remember about these experiences? I felt you and Pepe could have had your own show, too. I did very much like Pepe. Still do. Pepe, the king prawn, who is a Muppet character. Pepe is prawn. I don't eat prawns, you know, I don't eat shellfish of any kind, actually. And I'll tell you for why, because I don't think they're bug. I know a prawn in the shelf is. It's a mollusk or something. I don't eat mollusks. I don't eat crabs and lobsters or anything like that. I don't eat, you know, prawns, crabs, lobsters, anything like that. I don't eat. Would you call them like cockles and such? Oysters. I had an oyster once with Steve Carell. We were in New Orleans, and Steve Carell and I were doing a bit for the old late night show. He was promoting a movie and I was promoting the late night show. And we went to an oyster bar, and Steve had never had oysters and I'd never had oysters. And then he said, I'll eat one if you eat one. So I went, all right, because it was my show, so I thought I better eat one. Then I ate one and I hated it. And I went, oh, my God, that's awful. And then he would eat one. So. But I don't blame him because it's not for me. I'm not into eating oysters anyway. Chris Fisher says, oh, yeah. He was asking me about Muppets. I don't know why I got to that. Well, look. Well, that's very good coffee. Don't know if you could tell from my cup. I'm in Glasgow. Here's the River Clyde. It's very early in the morning, by the way. It's probably why I've got the morning sounding voice. I noticed there a little bit that I whistled a bit when I talked. Did you guys hear that? I was like, I think that's a real sign of getting older. You start whistling from your mouth and other areas. I think I have occasionally whistled from my FR department. All right, that's enough for that. It's too early for that kind of talk. All right. Can I talk about experiences with the Muppets? Well, I can. I did. Let me see. I did Elmo, I did Sesame street, and I did this thing where Elmo and I tried to calculate how many chickens it would take to carry me across the road. And with three normal sized chickens and one enormous chicken, as it turned out, you can look it up on the Internet. The Internet is a thing on computers. I think it'll die out soon. I hope it will. You know, I feel. I was walking in Hyde park in London the other day. I'm in Britain, all over the place right now. I was walking in Hyde park in London the other day, and there's a corner of Hyde park, it's called Speaker's Corner. And since going back to the Middle Ages and maybe even before, Speaker's Corner is a place where anyone. And you gotta remember, this was back in the day when, you know, it was dangerous to have an opinion that wasn't against. That wasn't the orthodoxy. A bit like now, except with the King and the. But anyone was allowed to go to Speaker's Corner and speak their mind. It was a free speech corner before America was, you know, a free speech country. And free speech, you know, Voltaire and all that before all that. So Speaker's Corner today still attracts people who have wildly different political opinions or about how things may run. You get anything from people talking about current political situations to, you know, what they think is the best way to cook a chicken or people who think it's against cooking chickens. And because it's Speaker's Corner and because anyone's allowed to talk there, and it's kind of encouraged, people go there to see whatever crazy people like to go there and yell is basically what I'm saying. And the people who are passing by or just interested or it's Sunday morning, will go and look at Speaker's Corner and see all the people yelling and shouting and doing all that stuff. And it's kind of a crazy place, but in this size of height park, it's a tiny little portion of Hyde Park, a tiny little section of it, you know, but the park itself is huge. It's about the size of Central Park. It's an enormous park. And then the rest of the park, people are, you know, walking their dogs or playing Frisbee or just sitting, having a picnic or, you know, just going for a walk or just having a lovely family time or, you know, enjoying the beautiful scenery. And what I realized that Hyde Park, I think is the Internet. Most people are just kind of like on there, you know, scrolling through dog memes or ponies or whatever. And Speaker's Corner is, you know, social media where everybody goes. So it's. I think it's a tiny portion. Most people are just playing Frisbee. Maybe that's an over optimistic view. I don't know. I can't remember how I got into that. It was something to do with the Muppets. Anyway, this is from Mark R. He's my next guest. Mark R. Is from. Where do you think Mark R. Is from? I'm going to say Australia. I don't know if he's from Australia, but it's as good a place as Eddie and I have been to Australia. Let me tell you about that. I went to Australia twice. Sorry, I was enjoying my coffee. I went to Australia in 1987 and 1988. So I've been to Australia twice. And that's, that's a long time ago, obviously. And I got sober in 1992, which is obviously also a long time ago. So in 1987 and 1988, I was in Australia doing stand up comedy. And look, I won't lie to you, I don't think it was that good. I was pretty chemically challenged at the time. And I liked to go on stage and yell. It was like Speaker's Corner but around the world. And I'd go on stage and yell and try the standout comedy. And people seemed to enjoy it, okay. And I had a nice time. But I liked Australia, I think. But it was a long time ago and I think Australia has changed it. I know I have. So recently I've been asked, would you like to go back to Australia? And I would, but here's the problem. I Live in America. Although I'm in Britain a lot right now, I live in America. And I don't know if you know this about Australia, but it's a bit far away. It's a bit far away from America. And so if you guys in Australia wouldn't mind moving it a bit closer. Sure. But I understand if you don't want to. If you like where it is, I'll get there later on. I wouldn't go to Australia and do a tour, I think, at some point. But right now, because I've been in the UK for a little bit and I'm kind of keen to get back to America. Probably won't be this year. I'm working a lot right now. It's. I suppose that's a good complaint, isn't it? I don't know. Just feel, you know, sometimes when you get up early and you're on your own in a hotel, you think, should I talk for, you know, half an hour to people? I don't know? Is that a good idea? Anyway, I'm doing it anyway. Mark R from Australia says, craig, I couldn't help but notice the plethora of tattoos all over your arms. Yeah, I do have a lot of tattoos. You're great to notice. Monarch. That's the Australians for you. Never miss a trick as a result. I'm rather curious if you're in the process of tattooing your entire body. No. What. Why would I do that? Whether or not that's the case, I'm additionally curious if you'd consider getting a tattoo on your willy. What on earth? Even if it's an appendage. Too far, so to speak. Wouldn't it be a great tattoo? Wouldn't it a great tattoo Tattoo for your willy to be the word Wonka. No, that's. He's definitely from Australia. This is just the kind of ribald high jinx that Australians enjoy. I would not. I've had. I do have a lot of tattoos. I have a lot of tattoos in my arms. I don't have them anywhere else. I would use black ink. It's a personal thing. I just. I kind of like them and I enjoy them and I started getting them after my father died in 2006. My father hated tattoos and I thought it would be a great Celtic paradox to get a tattoo in remembrance of a man who hated tattoos. So I got the Ferguson family crest tattooed on my. I think my right arm. And then a couple of years later, sadly, my mother died as well. So, I mean, I. After about a couple of Months after she died, I started to hear my mother in my dream saying, I oh, you got a tattoo for your blood, but you didn't get a tattoo for your poodles mother. So the burnt tattoo from my mum. So I got. My mother's maiden name was Ingram. So I got the Ingram family crest tattoos on my left arm. Interesting story. The tattoo on my right arm, the Ferguson family crest, very easy tattoo. Went on a couple hours, but didn't really hurt that much. The Ingram tattoo on my left arm seemed to take ages and it hurt like Billio. And that kind of sums up my relationship with my parents. My father and I had a very simple kind of painless relationship. My mother and I had much more complicated and I think painful for both of us in relationship, but ultimately very loving. But as I got the second tattoo, my. The tattoo artist said to me, oh, two tattoos. Hey, that's unlucky. I said, what do you mean? You've got to have an odd number of tattoos. You can't have an even number of tattoos. I was like, is that true? And other tattoo artists said, of course it's true. I think, I don't think it really is true. I think it's a good way of getting somebody to get another tattoo or two tattoos at a time. Because if you've got an odd number of tattoo, you're not going to get one, aren't you? You're going to get another one. Although now I have so many. I genuinely don't know how many I have because little ones are part of bigger ones and so I don't know how you count them now. Anyway, that was 2008, and in 2008 I had just become an American citizen. So I. I got the Benjamin Franklin Join or die cartoon from the Pennsylvania Gazette tattooed on my forearm in celebration of becoming an American, which I'm still proudly. And the. The tattoo itself is of a snake cut up into pieces with the first, I think nine colonies, which were South Carolina, North Carolina, Vermont, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York and New England, which. That was the way they were divided at the time. 1754, Benjamin Franklin, who I don't think people think of much as a political cartoonist, but that was a political cartoon. That was back in the day when politics. You know what, it was still pretty contentious back then. In fact, I believe they had a Revolutionary war not long after that, about 20 years after the 1754, 22 years later. Well, you've probably heard about it, if not Google was an old faked. Anyway, I got that tattoo that was three tattoos. And then, I don't know, something happens when you get tattoos that kind of creeps up your spine. You kind of. You kind of think, I'll need to get more. And then I look at areas of my arms sometimes now, and I think, you know, you can't say I try not to look at mirror too much. I've reached that point in life. But when I see areas of my arms that are not tattooed, I think, well, that looks a bit empty of tattoos. And people have very interesting, kind of sometimes quite extreme reactions to tattoos. Like, as I say, my father hates tattoos. He said, you know, it's like, oh, no, that's for dirty people. Which, you know, is one way of looking at it, I suppose. I don't think tattoos are counterculture anymore either. I don't know if I ever thought they. They were particularly. I suppose they were back in the time, the day, but I think now it's just. It's very mainstream tattoos. Everyone's got tattoos. Although I will say this. I went to. I was in Japan a few years ago, and I was in the Center Motel in Kyoto, and they had a swimming pool. I was going for a swim and the. I had my swimming trunks on and swimming up and down in the swimming pool. And one of the attendants or one of the hotel staff came over and said very politely, excuse me, you're swimming? I said, yeah. And he said, would you mind putting on this shirt to swim in? I said, God, is my body so hideous to Japanese people that I have to cover up with a swimming shirt? And he said, it's because of your tattoos. I went, really? He said, yeah, we don't like that. And I never quite. I think it was a language thing. I think it's something to do with Japanese organized crime, Yakuza, Japanese. I think it's Maybe that's just. And fanciful. But apparently they didn't like me having my tattoos on display. I wasn't displaying them, but they didn't like me having the tattoos. And they asked me to wear a swimming shirt, which I did. And actually, I have to say, it was quite tight, the swimming shirt, and quite snug, and it acted like Spanx. And I thought, oh, I might get into wearing swimming shirts. It kind of. It helped the. Contain extra areas, bring them in a little bit. But you know what? Honestly, it may not have been the tattoos. It may have just been, oh, my God, look at that guy. Let's put a shirt on him. But they may have invented the tattoo story to not Hurt my feelings, which is possible because Japanese people are lovely in my experience, anyway. When I was in Japan, I loved it. They were so nice and polite. I will say, I wonder, I thought this when I was in Japan, had I gone to Japan as a younger man, like, right about the time I went to Australia, maybe. I wonder if I would have stayed there. First of all, I don't know if they would have led me, but I really liked it and I really kind of responded to it. It's a society which it's quite. Is very different to where I'm from. But I really liked. I really liked people, and I really liked their vibe. And the vibe's kind of a lazy war, doesn't it? What I mean is, I really liked the way they did things, and the society seemed to make sense to me. You know, there was a lot of manners and drunkenness. That kind of worked for me at the time. So will I get any more tattoos? Yes, probably. I would never tattoo my entire body, and I would never tattoo my gentleman's equipment. That would be extremely painful. And I don't. I just don't see the point of that. And also, who would do it? No, no, it's not for me. I know some people have that done, and fair play to them. I'm not trying to judge anyone else, but good Lord, not for me. I don't think I'll get. I say another thing about tattoos. As you get older, they seem to get more painful. Oh, and people always think this as well, saying, well, those tattoos will look crap when you're old. And I'm like, well, so will I. I'm starting to look crap now. But I think the tattoos won't look as bad as me because they'll be younger. I mean, I get my first tattoo when I was 44, you know, so my tattoos will always be a lot younger than me. I think they'll last better than me. I think after I peg it, I'll have myself, you know, skinned and put on display. That's a terrible thing to say. I would never do that. That was a bit grim. Anyway, I don't want that. So if I keel over in the next 20 minutes, don't say, well, that's what you wanted. Don't. I don't want that. I don't know what I want, but I don't want that. I don't know what I want, but I don't want. That was the first draft of the Meatloaf Song before they sang I'll do anything for love. This Is from Joanne in North Carolina. Well, I know where she's from because she said where she was from. There's a tip, by the way, if you're sending in a tweet or an email or a question for the podcast, tell me where you're from. Then I won't have to make up where you're from, because so far I've made up Japan, Australia, and Switzerland, all of which, of course, are fictional countries. Look forward to your angry letters. They're not fictional countries, obviously. They're real. Joanne in North Carolina says, have you considered remaking Foyle's War? No. That could be a bit of a niche question for many people. Foyles War, if you don't know, and I imagine some of you don't, was a very enjoyable detective series. It was made in Britain a few years ago. It was about a detective, Detective Foil. I can't remember his first name. I want to say something like Ebenezer or something like that because it was British, but I don't think so. I think it was probably like, you know, Sam, but it was Foil. Detective Foyle was a policeman in Britain during the war. And so all the detective during the Second World War. A lot of times people say the war, particularly in Britain, they mean the second World War, which was a pretty big deal. If you don't know about it, Google it. A lot went on, and Detective Foyle, it was a lovely show. It was a very kind of traditional murder mystery. And I remember when I was watching it, I watched it while I was doing the old late night show and I used to talk about it at night. And if you're listening to this podcast or if you're watching it on YouTube or something, I'd say the chances are fairly good that you watch the old late night show, because that's kind of the people that hang with me. But I'm grateful for that. And so I kind of turned those people on to Foyle's War, which seems like an odd way to say turning someone onto a television show. I mean, it's not like it was a hallucinogenic drug or anything. I didn't turn anyone. You know, it wasn't like counterculture. Like you watch Foyles War and you start wearing a trilby and pretending to be a Second World War detective. Although I admit I did do that. But people get into it and they talk, you know, I remember very distinctly Patton Oswald, the lovely comedian Patton Oswald, very clever, very, very sweet man, telling me how much he enjoyed fallen as war, after I told him about it. So I felt I did some good while I was in Hollywood. I'm not in Hollywood anymore. Don't live there now. Let's see. I'm just. I'm sorry for getting so close to the camera. I'm just looking at the other. The other questions. There's quite a lot of them. I won't get all of them. This is from Harry Kulmer, who is. Harry hasn't put where he's from. But Colmer says to me, like a Finnish name. I think Harry's in Finland and also of course a pretend country that doesn't really exist. It's a joke. Of course it does. It's up near the other ones. Harry says, what is your favorite memory? Obviously I'm not doing his accent because it would be offensive for me to do a Finnish accent. Harry says, what is your favorite memory of writing between the Bridge and the River? If you don't know. Between the Bridge and the river is a novel that I wrote just before I started in Late Night. Actually I would have probably written more novels if I hadn't been writing, excuse me, jokes for me and Robot Skeletons and everybody else. I got kind of busy doing Late Night and I used to make independent films and I used to write a lot of things. But you get sidetracked with if you're doing a show every day. Which kind of leads me to a question that a lot of people have asked, which is, would you ever do a late night show again? And the answer is quite simply, no, not because I didn't enjoy it. I did very much and I've talked about that and I'm proud of it. But you just. You just really can't do anything else. I mean, when you're doing. And I like to do different things. So I. I would not do it again. Glad I did it. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad too many people enjoyed it. I certainly did. But it's stuff for me to do again. I just don't want to work that intensively on one thing. Anyway, so Harry in Finland said, what is your favorite memory of writing between the Bridge and the River? Well, writing a novel is. I know many of you must have done it. I found it very. A little bit like Late Night. It kind of takes all your attention. And I remember I wrote some of that novel. It sounds very grand, but I wrote some of it in Paris and France. France, of course, made up country doesn't really exist, but I was there and I was in Paris and I was on my own and I was writing a novel and I was sitting in cafes making notes for my novel. And then I would go back to my apartment and I'd write more of the novel. And I just remember thinking it was a very kind of self contained and. And rather kind of aspirational thing for a fat wee boy from Cumbernault to be writing a novel in Paris. And I really, I really loved it. I really loved the experience of it. The novel itself is. It's complicated. It's kind of a different thing for me. It's not everyone's cup of tea. It's very. I've often described it as. It's kind of as writing. For me, it was kind of like Sowing the Seeds of Love. You know that song by Tears from Fears. Because Sowing the Seeds of Love has everything in it. You know, it has the offbeat drum coming in, it has. Even has a French horn. And it's like they threw everything in but the kitchen sink at that. At that song, you know, big chorus and the. I think there's even a bagpipe in there at some point. So. And between the bridge and the river, it has that same kind of impetus. It has. I threw everything at it. It was my first novel. And the reason I wrote it is because I had just finished making an independent film which I was unhappy with the way it came out. And that was my fault because I was a director and writer of the film, but I was unhappy with the way it came out. And because film is so collaborative. When you do a film, I mean, it's, you know, I always get a bit annoyed when I see people say, you know, they put their name. It's a, you know, ah, someday somebody film. Well, you know, the only person who worked on it, like even Stanley Kubrick had a, you know, that help. So. But I directed this film and I'd done a bit of a. Actually looking back at the film, it's not that bad. Hello, everyone. Welcome back from the edit. What happened there was. My alarm went off because I'm recording this on my phone and it's the morning and that was the time that I thought I would be getting up. I've been up for a while, hence this. So my alarm went off and I went to my phone to deal with the alarm, knocked the phone over and stopped the recording. But here we are back. So welcome back. And what I was saying was when I look back at that film, it's not that bad. Anyway, I can't really remember what the question was. Oh, yeah, what was my. Why did I write? Or what was my favorite memory of writing? Between the Bridge and the river, which is a novel I wrote in 2000. I think I started it in 2004, 2005, but. So I told you what my favorite memory of it was. And the reason I wrote it is because I was unhappy with a film that I had done previously and I thought, I want to do something where I just work on my own. I don't want to work with anyone else for a while, so. And when you write novel, it's very much on your own. And that's my favorite memory of it, to be honest. I felt self contained. I felt like I was able to, you know, I was, I was that weird thing that you get where you. When you're right or you feel like you're in charge. And I'm much too much a fan of the, of the Stoics or the. Or other similar philosophies to think that I'm actually in charge of much. But when you write a novel, you feel like you're in charge because you kind of are. You can decide where the story goes and I like that. As it turns out, that's what I thought. But then when you're in it, it feels sometimes after the story gets going, like everything else, it seems to like, take on a life of its own and you're kind of just along for the ride and that becomes fun too. Anyway, that's a lot of esoteric nonsense for this time in the morning, especially in Glasgow. I don't know if esoteric nonsense is a good idea for Glasgow. I don't know. It's like 7 o' clock in the morning. I'm talking to you right now because I have to leave and go filming all day. And because I'm filming all day, I wouldn't have time to talk to you at any other time. So that's why I'm doing it now. And I think I'm about. Well, if my alarm's gonna off, it means I have to get going. So I will get going and I will be back in. I'm going back to London in a couple of days and I will do a couple of proper episodes of the podcast. Proper episodes of the podcast there. Well, I have actual guests and I'll talk to them. But thank you for being my guest today, people from Switzerland, Japan, Finland, Narnia. Let me just say this, by the way, just as I, as I, as I remember when I said Harry Colmer, who asked the last question was from Finland. The novel between the Ridge and the river actually did very well in Finland, as I remember. It's a strange coincidence, it was translated into Finnish, which is a language I don't speak. You'd be surprised to hear, Craig, surely you speak Finnish? No. Sometimes I don't even finish speaking. No, I don't speak Finnish. But I particularly liked the COVID of the Finnish edition of the book. It was really fancy and I hope it's a good translation. I saw the French translation of between the Bridge and the River. I don't speak much French, but I know enough French to know that I didn't like the translation. There's not much you can do when they do a translation of your book. You know, in the French translation of the book I wrote between the Bridge and the river, they changed the title of it to Last Exit before the Motorway. How is that a thing? I mean in French, Dernier Sortie Auto Route or something. But they changed it. I was like, ah, why? I don't know. Anyway, that's that for today. These are quality problems, I think. I didn't like the French translation of my novel. What a day. All right, I'll try to work on my self esteem, I'll try to be less pompous and I'll see you guys next time. All right, take care. Bye.