Just A Moment with Brant Menswar

Episode: Breaking Up With Perfection - Cole Zesiger
Date: December 1, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of Just A Moment features Cole Zezinger, a renowned breakup and connection coach celebrated for his raw honesty and vulnerability. Cole shares the transformative story of how his lifelong pursuit of perfection—driven by family, cultural, and religious expectations—ultimately led to deep personal struggles, loss, and, eventually, a major breakthrough. Through heartbreak, rejection, and rigorous self-examination, Cole reveals the pivotal moments that catalyzed his healing journey, prompting him to embrace imperfection and discover genuine self-worth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Life & the Seeds of Perfectionism

• Cole’s Upbringing & Family Pressure
  • Raised in Centerville, Utah, deeply embedded in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
  • As the eldest sibling, Cole felt intense pressure to set a perfect example and to achieve high standards set by his parents, especially his father, a former near-champion wrestler.
    • “I always felt like I had to be pretty perfect. I had to achieve really high. I felt like I couldn't mess up because then it gave the other siblings permission to mess up.” (01:19, Cole)
  • Early wrestling success: dominated as a child but quit abruptly after his first loss, demonstrating all-or-nothing thinking.

2. The Mission and Confronting Cultural Identity

• Religious Mission and Culture Shock
  • Cole longed to follow in his father’s missionary footsteps in South America but was assigned unexpectedly to the Philippines.
  • Language and cultural barriers, homesickness, and isolation challenged his perfectionist expectations.
    • “I was not really prepared at all to go... So the first night, everyone had a buddy except for me.” (03:31, Cole)
  • Struggled initially, fueled by shame and perfectionism; ultimately, a shift in mindset led him to embrace immersion and gratitude.
    • “I started to really care about the people... I would write down five things that I loved about the Philippines every day in my little notebook, and I started to really love people there.” (04:46, Cole)
  • Redefined success from achievement to genuine connection and presence.

3. Life After the Mission: Rapid Marriage and Breakdown

• Reintegration and Relationship Pressure

  • Returning from his mission, Cole faced reverse culture shock and pressure to marry quickly, as per Utah’s cultural norms.
  • Used a dating app (“Mutual”) intensely, meeting his first wife online and progressing to marriage in just five months.
    • “We matched on March 4, got engaged July 1 and married Aug. 4. So five months after the dating app match really quick.” (08:46, Cole)

• Marital Struggles and Divorce

  • Differences in life goals surfaced quickly.
  • The inability to communicate effectively about expectations sowed discord, culminating in his wife initiating divorce.
    • “I was never gonna get divorced, ever. Until I did.” (11:07, Cole)
    • Detailed the deeply painful experience of coming home to find his entire presence erased from the house.

4. Chasing Perfection After Loss: Rejection & Rock Bottom

• Rapid Rebound and Academic Setbacks
  • In response to the breakup, again sought to “fix” his life through immediate external validation—dating, and dogged medical school applications.
    • “My thought...was I need to quickly get back to perfect.” (13:53, Cole)
  • Entered another relationship rapidly; got rejected after showing deep-seated fears of commitment resurfaced.
  • Faced unprecedented rejection applying to 50 medical schools, despite outstanding GPA and MCAT scores.
    • “I got rejected from 25 out of 25 medical schools... All my scores were average for Harvard or Johns Hopkins. All that applied again with their help. 25 out of 25 rejected.” (15:35, Cole)
  • Was left with no relationship, no career path, and back living with his parents.

5. The Turning Point: Choosing Authenticity over Perfection

• Shifting Mindset and Starting Again
  • Deep dive into self-help and personal development began in an attempt to win back an ex, but led him to greater self-realization.
    • “I moved to somewhere where I didn't know anybody. I just determined I was going to make a life that I really liked.” (17:08, Cole)
  • Tried new things (jiu jitsu, music, travel), built new friendships, explored therapy and self-growth literature.
  • Began sharing his experiences authentically on TikTok—amassed over 100,000 followers in six months by speaking honestly about heartbreak and healing.
    • “I started making videos...based on what I wished someone would tell me when I was going through my breakup.” (17:41, Cole)
  • Learned that healing is rooted in embracing imperfection and building internal validation.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Perfectionism & Self-criticism:
  “I would either win or I would not try. Basically, up until I was like 20, that was the system, win or don’t try.”
  – Cole Zeziger (21:49)

• On Shift to Self-Acceptance:
  “Now, millions of people were seeing that I lost it. It gave me permission to... it slowly shifted to, I want to enjoy being who I am. And you can't really enjoy being who you are with that perfectionistic mindset.”
  – Cole Zeziger (22:13)

• On External Validation vs. Self-Validation:
  “I was now allowed to fail and be imperfect. And still like myself.”
  – Cole Zeziger (24:22)
  “You need to build this relationship that you care about your own validation and talk to yourself. So I literally was driving my truck and I was talking to myself and I said, Cole, like, this is so awesome. You just failed at absolutely everything in the world. And instead of quitting and curling up into a ball, you learned how to be a salesman.”
  – Cole Zeziger (23:03)

• On Victimhood:
  “Victimhood is the most... that's the scariest one. Especially on social media, you can get a lot of views by validating people's victimhood. ...They look for all the reasons why they can't succeed and why the world's against them and then they sit in it. I think that's the direct opposite of how you can use your breakup or your divorce to actually get better.”
  – Cole Zeziger (24:46)

Key Segments (with Timestamps)

• Striving to Be the Perfect Son: [01:06–02:44]
• Mission Assignment Disappointment & Adjusting in the Philippines: [03:00–06:35]
• Rushed Dating & Early Marriage: [07:22–09:30]
• Marriage Breakdown and Divorce: [09:43–13:35]
• Second Relationship, Medical School Rejections, and Rock Bottom: [13:51–16:28]
• Breakthrough: Choosing Healing & Authenticity: [16:47–18:53]
• Social Media, Honest Storytelling, and Rebuilding Self: [21:36–24:22]
• Understanding and Breaking Critical Patterns in Relationships: [25:49–28:26]
• Practices for Healthier Love & Self-Improvement: [28:36–30:07]

Lessons & Reflections

• Critical Insight on Relationships:
  Cole realizes his critical nature and anxious attachment sabotaged his first marriage. Perfectionism, he explains, isn’t just self-damaging—it can unknowingly shape how you treat those closest to you.

  • “If you are really critical of yourself and you don't like yourself very much, you're not going to be able to treat them any differently. You have to treat them like you treat yourself.” (26:29, Cole)

• On Communication & Love:
  Discusses the importance of proactive, balanced communication and daily recognition of what's good in his partner as a way to sustain and grow love.

  • Inspired by The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy: “Just focus on things that I love about her every single day. And I'm treating being in love with her as something that's my job, my responsibility.” (28:41, Cole)
  • On not over-communicating: “Marriage is not therapy. It's not just talking about your feelings all the time or always checking in. You have to actually live life and make memories and connect.” (29:33, Cole)

Where to Find Cole

• Instagram: @CoachColeZeziger
• TikTok & YouTube: @JustColeZeziger
• Upcoming Book: Releases February 10; covers his personal journey and lessons from coaching over 2,000 clients through heartbreak and healing.

Final Thoughts

Cole’s story is a testament to the transformative power of vulnerability and self-acceptance. His journey illustrates that breaking up with perfection doesn’t just relieve self-imposed pressure; it opens the door to authentic relationships, real growth, and self-love. The episode offers hope and insight for anyone feeling trapped by expectations—or struggling to rebuild after loss.

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