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- [00:10]
A
Hello and welcome to this episode of Keep It Positive, sweetie. I'm Krystal Renee Hayslett, and today we are talking about in this new season with Megan Ashley Brooks. Guys, I'm so excited to have her on my couch today. You are absolutely stunning, Nate.
- [00:23]
B
So are you.
- [00:23]
A
Oh, my goodness. We were talking about you last night, how beautiful you are, and just excited to have you here with us today.
- [00:28]
B
I'm excited to be here. Thanks for the invite.
- [00:30]
A
Of course. When I think about in this new season, I think of a quote that says, God prunes us when he is about to take us into a new season of growth and expansion by Christine Cain. And I feel like we're both in that area of our lives where God is pruning us and molding us to what he wants us to be. So you are a Christ minded mother of four, formerly the co host of Know for Sure podcast, which everyone really kind of fell in love with you, honestly. Like, I know. That's when I was like, oh, my God, who is this girl? So amazing. So amazing. We first met at Change Church.
- [01:05]
B
I know.
- [01:06]
C
Yes.
- [01:06]
B
And we did that panel or we had the live podcast and you were a guest and that was amazing.
- [01:11]
A
So much fun.
- [01:12]
B
That was the first time I saw you. And I was like, oh, my gosh. She's more beautiful in person.
- [01:15]
C
Aw.
- [01:16]
A
That's what I said about you.
- [01:18]
C
Thank you.
- [01:19]
A
Thank you. We had a really good talk.
- [01:20]
B
We did. It was a good talk too.
- [01:22]
C
It was.
- [01:22]
B
It was a really good talk.
- [01:23]
A
Yeah, it was so much fun. Shout out Change Church Pastor Darius and Pastor Shamika Daniel. So let's get into it. Where are you from? A lot of people we've seen you on the podcast, but we want to know who Megan is.
- [01:37]
C
Yeah.
- [01:37]
B
So I'm originally from Columbus, Ohio. And so when people think Ohio, they think like cornfield. They think. And we have that. I actually just went home this past weekend and got to spend some time with my family. But Columbus is really a progressive city. It's has great food, great art, great fashion. It's not really known for that, but when you go there, you're like, okay, Coomas is not bad.
- [02:04]
C
Yeah.
- [02:05]
B
So, yeah, born and raised there my whole life. My mom and my dad. My dad's from Ohio, my mom's from Mississippi.
- [02:11]
A
Okay.
- [02:11]
B
So I was raised by a real Southern woman.
- [02:15]
A
I know. That's right.
- [02:16]
B
Like a real Southern woman. Like, real Southern. So I was raised by my mom and. And yeah, I built my life in Ohio. Like, I spent my whole life like this was Atlanta was the first place I moved to outside of Ohio.
- [02:32]
A
So what brought you here?
- [02:34]
B
So I moved here to. To help with my friends, businesses and you know, just kind of help with her. With her things. And it was just a total transition from life in Ohio to Atlanta is just a different place. It's just a different.
- [02:51]
C
Wow.
- [02:52]
A
It is different.
- [02:53]
B
Totally different place.
- [02:54]
A
I love it here.
- [02:54]
B
Yeah.
- [02:55]
A
When did you move here?
- [02:56]
B
I moved in the middle of the pandemic. August 2020.
- [02:59]
C
Wow.
- [03:00]
B
So we were like really in the middle of the pandemic.
- [03:03]
A
That's crazy. That's a crazy time to move.
- [03:05]
B
Sold my house quickly, like put it on the market. It sold. Packed up all like packed the kids up, packed the dog.
- [03:14]
C
Wow.
- [03:15]
B
And we drove from Ohio to it to Georgia in the middle of the pandemic and yeah. Started our journey here in Atlanta.
- [03:23]
A
That's incredible. When you say started, that was. You were with your ex husband and.
- [03:27]
B
My kids and my three boys and that was just like the biggest. I don't recommend that, like don't move in the middle of a pandemic.
- [03:35]
C
Yeah.
- [03:37]
B
But actually it wasn't bad because it wasn't like we had to do, you know, activities outside the home. So we got, you know, we had all the time to pack up and get settled.
- [03:47]
C
Yeah.
- [03:47]
B
Get settled and stuff. So it wasn't that bad. But. But yeah, we moved here and you know, a new journey.
- [03:53]
A
Yeah. Awesome. So now you've recently said that you're going through a divorce.
- [03:58]
B
Yeah.
- [03:58]
A
How did you and your husband meet and what made you think this is the vent?
- [04:02]
C
Yeah.
- [04:03]
B
So I've been divorced now for. Since March. So it's been. I don't know how many months that's been, but it's been a Good, what, over six months?
- [04:14]
C
Yeah.
- [04:16]
B
We met when I was 19 and he, we, we went to the same Bible college but at different times.
- [04:24]
A
Okay, Bible college.
- [04:25]
B
Yeah, so we went to Bible college. Same Bible college, but different times. We had mutual friends. And I was working all the way on the west side at a bank. So I worked for Chase bank for a lot of years and I was a teller. I was a part time teller. So I went to Bible college in the morning and then afternoons I was working at the bank and he came in a few times to make deposits. And then I just kept noticing he kept coming in and just coming to your. Yeah, coming to my counter. And he would always have these cash deposits and sometimes they would be big and sometimes it's like you could have waited. Like you didn't have to deposit that $10 in 19 cents. You didn't have to do that. So he would come in and a mutual friend that we know, he asked about me because apparently one day when I wasn't at work, one of my co workers was like, oh, yeah, she goes to this Bible college. Like, told all my business to this stranger.
- [05:24]
A
Oh, my gosh.
- [05:25]
B
And he realized that we went to the same Bible college. And he asked one of his friends if they knew me and went to church one night and he was sitting right behind me and asked for my number. And it just like I was head over heels in love with him.
- [05:39]
A
I mean, yeah, you meet like that, it's like, it feels like it's God ordained.
- [05:44]
B
Yeah, we were. We spent every single day together. We talked all the time. And yeah, it was just. It was somebody I never would have thought I would date before because he was very kind of, you know, he wasn't like a rough, tough, like, hood guy. He was very like, you know, straight, narrow, like just clean and, you know, he was just different than what I've ever dated before. And we were so young. And I think when you fall in love, people think that, like, it's love, but maturity has taught me that it's infatuation. Like, I was really. I think we were really infatuated with each other. Like, love was there, but I think, like, we ain't gone through enough to be in love with each other this soon.
- [06:28]
A
We've all been there.
- [06:29]
B
Yeah. So. But, yeah, that's how it. That's how it happened. It moved really fast.
- [06:34]
C
Wow.
- [06:35]
B
Really?
- [06:35]
A
At what point in the relationship did you realize this isn't. This doesn't feel right. This doesn't feel like.
- [06:43]
B
I think, you know, I didn't have a grasp on what God said. Marriage was what God said a woman was what God says a wife is. And I don't think I had a full grasp of that. I don't think I knew what those things were in full context. I just had the desire to be a wife. I had to desire to be a mom, you know, And I think when life happens, that's where the relationship is proven. If this is really a thing or not. Is this. We really called to each other because life happened and life kept happening. You know what I mean? And when my son got diagnosed with autism, my middle son, Caleb, he was diagnosed with autism when he was 2.
- [07:32]
C
Wow.
- [07:33]
B
And I had my first son, Eli, at. I got pregnant at 19. And me and my husband weren't married at the time. And then we got married after Eli was born. And then two years later, I had Caleb. And Caleb was the child that I prayed for. And I tried so hard to have him. I could not. For whatever reason, a year after I had Eli, it was really hard for me to get pregnant. I could not get pregnant. I could not get pregnant. And I was begging God, like, God, please, please, I want this baby. And taking inventory of my heart posture, I knew that I wanted Caleb because I thought that he was going to redeem me from having a baby out of wedlock, because now I'm married.
- [08:17]
A
Oh, my goodness.
- [08:18]
B
You know, I'm married now, and I can do it the right way.
- [08:21]
A
Absolutely.
- [08:22]
B
And I wanted him so bad, and for selfish reasons. Then, you know, if I'm being honest, they were not. I was gonna love him. And obviously, he's my babe, but I. I wanted him to redeem me. I thought he was gonna redeem me. And I prayed so hard for him. Oh, God, I prayed so hard, fasted, prayed. I want him so bad. God, please, please. And I remember sitting in church one day, and the pastor was preaching on Jude. And in Jude, it talks about contending for the faith. And I remember sitting in church, and I'm having this dialogue with God, and I'm like, God, please, please, I want this baby so bad. I just want to get pregnant. Please, please. And I remember God said, I heard you. Don't ask me again.
- [09:06]
A
Wow. And what is that right there?
- [09:10]
B
And he was like, I want you to go pray. He was like, now go pray for someone else to have a baby. And he gave me two people to pray for. Wow. He said, I heard you. Don't ask me again. Go pray for someone else. And I. And he gave me two people to pray for. Within a month, I got pregnant. The next month, the other girl got pregnant. The next month, the other girl got pregnant. We all had babies at the same time.
- [09:30]
A
Oh, my goodness.
- [09:32]
B
So God was kind, and he heard me, and he gave me what I asked for. But then my son got diagnosed. The one that I prayed for, the one that I wanted, the one that I, you know, felt like I fought so hard to get. He was diagnosed with autism in 2012. And then the next year, his pediatrician was like, I really. You know, my gut is telling me that we need to do more testing, we need to do some blood work. And he had been asking me to do it for a while. And I was like, no, no, no. Like, you know, Caleb's fine. He doesn't need it. I don't want to put him through all that testing. And so then the doctor, his pediatrician was like, I think we need to do this. I need you to trust me and I need you to take care of me. Take him and go get a blood test. And so I took him to the children's hospital and he was diagnosed with fragile X syndrome. And what that is. So we have the male has an X and a Y chromosome. So when there's a dysfunction in the X chromosome, there's nothing there to support what's lacking. So Caleb doesn't have the protein that produces brain development, and so technically, he would be mentally handicapped. He is at a lower level. He won't be able to function on his own. That's what they say, you know, he'll never graduate. And they sit you down when your child is autistic, and if in this situation with fragile X and they tell you these things, your kid is never gonna graduate from high school. Your kid's never gonna have real relationships. He's never gonna have friends. He's probably always gonna have to depend on you. He's always gonna have to live with you. All the Never, never, never. Yeah, never, never, never. And when Caleb got diagnosed with autism, I became a stay at home mom. And then the year later, we got the second diagnosis. And it just felt like blow after blow, you know, And I felt really guilty because I was like, dang, I forced him here. I felt like I forced him here. I forced him into, like, selfishly, because I wanted to. I wanted to redeem myself so bad. I didn't want people to, you know, look at me in a. In the way of how they looked at me because I got talked bad. I mean, they dogged me at church when I got pregnant at 19 and was unmarried. And, you know, and so I just wanted to redeem that. That part of my life again. And I felt really bad that I prayed for him to come here. And I felt like he was, you know, I'm like, oh, my God. I prayed this child here, and he's gonna struggle his whole life because of me, you know, and dealing with that mommy guilt and did I do enough? Did I take my prenatal vitamins? Did I do this? Did I do that? And you beat yourself up. And it played a large role in our marriage. You know, neither one of us, I think, knew how to deal with that. Neither one of us knew how it was going to impact us. And, you know, when things happen in your life, it doesn't just impact that situation, but then it triggers all things, all the hurt all the pain. And I think that neither one of us was prepared for that, you know, and it strained our marriage. It made us it through, at least for me. I don't know really what his experience was like that. But for me, I felt like it put a wedge between us because of how our responses were very different.
- [13:01]
C
Yeah.
- [13:02]
B
To his diagnosis.
- [13:03]
C
Right.
- [13:04]
B
And so it felt like it put a wedge between us. And I think, you know, life just keeps happening.
- [13:09]
C
Yeah.
- [13:09]
B
And when things aren't resolved, it just piles up.
- [13:13]
C
Yes.
- [13:13]
B
And so for me, I think that's where things shifted, where I was like, oh man.
- [13:19]
C
Yeah.
- [13:20]
B
How are we going to get through this?
- [13:21]
A
Right. How did you begin to navigate once you said, okay, this is what it is, I have to be here for my son? I know. You said you became a stay at home mom. How is Caleb doing now?
- [13:31]
B
Caleb's great. He's 11. He's the most amazing human being I've ever met in my life. He is the reason that I know God.
- [13:40]
C
Wow.
- [13:40]
B
Like, he's the reason I know him. Not know of him. My mom's the reason why I know God. You know, I was introduced to God, but Caleb, he's the reason why I know God is real. Like he gave me that, you know? And still to this day, like he's completely non verbal, but Caleb sings, so he sings verbally, but he won't talk verbally, but he'll sing. And when I say he knows like his ear, he listens to Layla Hathaway and he's on pitch and on key and like. And I'm like, okay.
- [14:16]
C
Uh huh.
- [14:17]
B
Yeah.
- [14:17]
A
Special kid.
- [14:19]
B
I'm just so thankful that I got to experience him like I get to experience. He's such. I mean, he's just the most amazing kid. And to see God do amazing things in his life, even with the stuff that they said he'll never do.
- [14:37]
A
Yeah.
- [14:37]
C
So.
- [14:38]
A
Because the guy we serve all those, he'll never. He'll never. He'll never.
- [14:41]
B
Yeah.
- [14:41]
A
God can turn into it. He will.
- [14:43]
B
And God created him. You know, I think that's the thing that I always try to tell special needs moms is like, you know God. Thank you. You're welcome. God created that child.
- [14:54]
C
You know he did.
- [14:56]
B
And he didn't say that we are fearfully and wonderfully made if we fit society's standards. He says that you're fearfully and wonderfully made. And before, you know, in Jeremiah it says, before I placed you in your mother's womb, I knew you. And God knows Caleb, so it's like, you know, I try not to look at his, you know, struggles or challenges. I just look at the fact that he's the one that God created.
- [15:22]
A
Absolutely. You know, so it's so beautiful. You talked about. Well, you openly speak about your faith and your love for Christ, but when you were 19 and you got pregnant, you said the church dogged you out. Oh, man. Did you have any church hurt from that? Did they pull you away from the church? Because I know, like, a lot of people deal with church hurt, and I feel like people in church can be some of the most critical, judgmental people, and they don't understand the hurt that they caused. You know, how did you even get back to, okay, you guys can drag me through the mud, whatever, but I know the God I serve. What was that like?
- [15:59]
B
Thank God I had my mother, who, you know, my mom was very active at that church, and, like, she was in a pretty leader, you know, in a decent leadership role. And when I found out I got. I was pregnant, I was so ashamed. And, you know, I wanted to. I thought about abortion and I thought about all types of things. You know, I just was so embarrassed that. Because I was the kid that was, like, at church, you know what I mean? Like, I was on the dance team and I did all the things. So I was so. Man, I was so embarrassed. And she made me come to church. She was like, I'm not ashamed of you. God's not ashamed of you. And she sat right next to me every Sunday on the second row, and she made me sit right next to her. She was like, we are not ashamed. You know, God gave you that baby. He allowed that baby to be here. So that baby was given to us by God, you know, and so you can. We can be upset about you, you know, having sex before marriage. Like, we can deal with that, but we're not going to be ashamed that you're bringing this life into the world.
- [17:11]
A
Right.
- [17:12]
B
We're not going to be ashamed of it. And if it wasn't for her, that presence of just sitting next to me and not caring.
- [17:20]
C
Yeah.
- [17:20]
B
She was like, this is my baby and she's having my grandson.
- [17:24]
A
I know that's right.
- [17:25]
B
And we're going to raise this baby in church and we're going to love on her. And we're, you know, and her and her friends, like, one of her closest friends is my children's godmother, Rhonda, who just loved me. She was that person that was a part of church, too, and she just didn't. She loved me she helped me plan my baby shower. She, you know, took me to find bottles, and you know what I mean? Like, they just. The next. So, I mean, they did what Christians.
- [17:52]
A
Are supposed to do.
- [17:53]
B
Love.
- [17:54]
C
Yes. Yeah.
- [17:55]
B
They didn't take my hardest moment or my biggest fall.
- [17:59]
C
Yeah.
- [18:00]
B
Or my biggest sin and punish me for it. They loved me through it.
- [18:04]
C
That's beautiful.
- [18:06]
A
I love that.
- [18:06]
B
Yeah.
- [18:07]
A
Oh, my goodness.
- [18:09]
B
I know. I'm like, I already started in this. I wasn't planning on doing that. Sorry. No. Oh, my good word.
- [18:17]
A
Oh, speaking of the shame that you felt.
- [18:25]
B
How.
- [18:26]
A
Cause I mean, you prayed for this little boy. You begged God, and God's like, stop it. I heard you. What. How did you even navigate through that? Because I know for me, walking through my shame has been hard, and a lot of times we don't speak about it, you know, and it's something that we go through privately. What were those private moments that you have with God and feeling shame?
- [18:49]
B
Shame is like. Shame is like the thing that is always at my doorstep in my life. I feel like shame is one of the enemy's most used weapon for me is shame. And I think that, to be honest with you, I'm still, even in this season of my life right now, navigating through how I handle shame. Do you know what I mean?
- [19:21]
A
Yeah.
- [19:21]
B
Of just, you know, because it stems from, like, that embarrassment of, like, that's not. I don't want people to see me like that. I don't. I didn't want that mistake to be seen or. I didn't want that thing to not work out and everyone have to see it.
- [19:38]
C
Yeah.
- [19:38]
B
You know, and shame is the. It's the enemy accusing you. It's like that thing he just wants to keep reminding you of. You did this. You did this. Like, he's just that accusing, you know, and that's. That's what shame feels like for me. Like, I feel shame the most when the enemy reminds me of the things that I've done wrong. But what has helped me, especially in this season and in the season where I dealt with shame in church when I got pregnant with my oldest son, my mom helped me with that because she wasn't ashamed of me. And she reminded me that God isn't ashamed of me. And that is something I needed to be reminded of, is that he wasn't angry with me. He didn't like that decision.
- [20:26]
A
Right.
- [20:26]
B
He wouldn't have. That wasn't his desire for me. His desire wasn't for me to have my son out of wedlock. That wasn't his desire, but he still loves me. And he was the one who placed that child in my womb.
- [20:38]
C
Yes.
- [20:38]
B
So he allowed it. So he, you know, so that was something that. But now in this season, shame still tries to kind of creep up. And God had to do a lot of reminding me, and I have to do a lot of reminding the enemy that you are not going to make me remember or make me feel shamed over what God has forgiven and forgotten. Because the Bible says not only does he forgive, but he forgets. And so God had to come to me one time and say, why you keep bringing up stuff that I forgot about? You're the one bringing it up. I'm not bringing it up. You're bringing it up. You're not done with it. I'm done with it. When you came to me with a sincere heart and you said, father, forgive me, and you were sincere in that I forgave it. I searched your heart. I know your heart. And I've forgiven it. Move on. Yeah, move on. But it's us that keeps bringing it.
- [21:41]
A
Up all the time. I'm guilty of it, you know, like God.
- [21:45]
B
Remember when I did my girl?
- [21:47]
A
Are we still on that?
- [21:49]
B
We still talking about that?
- [21:50]
C
Right.
- [21:51]
B
And like I was telling you before, you know the scripture where it says, behold, I am new. Like, he makes us new. His mercies are what, new every morning. And that is the faith. That is the. The. The hope that I have to hold on to when shame tries to come knocking at my door. I have to remind the enemy where, you know facts, I know truth.
- [22:16]
A
Right.
- [22:17]
B
The fact is, yes, I did do that. But the truth is, is that I'm redeemed. The truth is, is that he loves me. The truth is that I'm free, fearfully and wonderfully made. These are the truth. And I'm gonna stand on that. And that's hard sometimes. It's not easy. And I still struggle with that. I'm not at all trying to act like I have evolved into this place of, you know, enlightenment. Still trying.
- [22:38]
C
Getting there. Yeah.
- [22:39]
B
But that's how I speak to shame.
- [22:44]
A
I love that. And also I hope that you find peace in knowing that everything that you felt ashamed of, God is using it. Like he literally can use you. And as I'm starting to read the Bible and really dive into it, I'm noticing that, like, everybody he used was flawed. I mean, it's like, you know, everybody, everybody, everybody. So it's crazy even that in itself. It's like we look at ourselves and we're so ashamed of things. But we have to remember, like, God can use that. And it's like, you're literally a blessing to other people. You just sharing your story. It's going to be a blessing to so many people because there's. I know there's some young woman or man that's watching this right now, and it's like, oh, my goodness, I've been carrying the shame, and I don't have to anymore.
- [23:28]
B
You don't. You don't. And it's like, he already paid for it, man. It's like it's paid for. It's like you holding that is you saying, I'd rather pay for it. And he's like, I already did. It's already bought. Let it go. You know, be new. It's a grace. You know, It's a grace. And I hope that at any story that I share, that there's that hope that you can be redeemed, you can be reconciled back to him, and you don't have to hold on to the past.
- [23:59]
A
You don't. You don't. So you grew up in the church?
- [24:03]
C
Yeah.
- [24:03]
A
You worked in the church?
- [24:05]
C
Yeah.
- [24:05]
A
Do you ever see yourself doing anything in the church?
- [24:08]
B
No. And the church, in the sense of, like, I want to serve church. I want to serve the people of God. I want to always do that. But in the sense of, like, doing something for church, like, in an actual.
- [24:24]
A
Church, like, being a pastor.
- [24:26]
B
Oh, God, no. Oh, my God, no, no, no, no.
- [24:29]
A
No, no, no, no.
- [24:31]
B
This is. Even doing. This is like, God's like, all right, she's at least doing this.
- [24:37]
A
This is her place.
- [24:38]
C
Yeah.
- [24:38]
B
Yeah. Because I just don't. You know, I take responsibility very strong, and I believe that that's not something to take lightly. And I know that we live in a culture where everyone wants a million followers and everyone wants, you know, to be trendy and to go viral and to be known. But I know the rate, the weight of that responsibility.
- [25:02]
C
Yeah.
- [25:02]
B
It's a big weight, and I don't take it lightly. And I think for me, my goal and focus right now is to be the one that he knew more than being the one that's known to everyone else. You know what I mean? I want to be the one that he knew. And I don't know why that thing has been sticking on me, but I was reading the scripture that scares the life out of me is depart from me. I never knew you. And so when I was reading that scripture, I'm just like, well, God, that doesn't make sense. Because in Jeremiah, you said that before we were entered into our mother's womb, you knew us, so how could you ever. How could we ever stand before you? And you say that you didn't know. Well, that would be us becoming something that he didn't create by being something he didn't create.
- [25:53]
A
Listen.
- [25:54]
B
Do you know what I'm saying? I'm like, also, if you're. If we're standing before him and he says, depart from me. I never knew you then. You're not the one that he knit together in the wound of your mother. You're not the person he created. That's not who he knew. And so for me, in my life, as for me right now, I got to be the one he knew. I don't care who many people. How many people know me. I don't care how many people follow me. I don't care how many people watch my podcast. I don't care how many times a clip goes. I got to. I have to focus on being the one he knew. And I want to stand before him, and I want him to say, I know you.
- [26:29]
C
Yes.
- [26:30]
B
That's my girl.
- [26:31]
A
Oh, my God.
- [26:32]
B
That's my girl. That's the one that I created. I want that so badly. I've never wanted that before in my life. And in this season, I want that so badly. I want to be the one he knew.
- [26:42]
C
Yes.
- [26:43]
B
More than anything.
- [26:44]
A
Well, it's on you. We see it.
- [26:46]
B
Yes.
- [26:46]
A
Oh, my goodness. You got dinner. About to run around the house, per usual.
- [26:54]
C
Yes.
- [26:57]
B
You became somebody that I don't know.
- [26:59]
A
That is so deep.
- [27:02]
B
That would be the only. And I'm not a theologian, so I'm not trying to like. And I know Bible. Th. There are people that will.
- [27:07]
C
Yeah.
- [27:08]
B
I'm just saying. For. That's what it spoke to me. That's what that spoke to me. If I stand before him and he says, I don't know you. But he said in Jeremiah, before I placed you in your mother's womb, I knew you.
- [27:20]
A
That has to mean.
- [27:21]
B
That has to mean that I have allowed the deception of the enemy to make me become something that you didn't create.
- [27:28]
C
Jesus.
- [27:31]
B
Because the enemy knows that he is the only. The enemy doesn't have any power of authority over any of us. He doesn't. And the only person that can hinder the purpose and plan that God has for our lives is us. Because he loves us so much that he gave us the choice. So the enemy knows that the only way that I can get them to not be the one that he knew is to deceive them and make you think that you're something that you're not.
- [27:55]
A
Oh, my God. Megan, respectfully, would you like to get up and leave? I mean, the show is.
- [28:07]
C
Yeah.
- [28:08]
A
So good.
- [28:09]
B
I'm just. Those are just things where I'm like, I. I have to. That's. That has to be my focus.
- [28:16]
C
Yeah.
- [28:16]
A
And I love that because we live in an industry or we work in the industry, and we live in a world where people aren't as comfortable speaking out about their love for Christ. You know, everything is like, thank you, God. We want to be very vague, vague, very vague about where we stand. And they're just saying, like, I stand on business, I stand on Jesus, period. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm going to shout his name. Let it be known. Yes. What was it where you. Like, I have this platform, and I'm going to let you guys know where I stand.
- [28:45]
B
I just, you know, I'm a flawed human being, but I am not fake.
- [28:49]
C
Yes.
- [28:50]
B
Do you know what I'm saying? I'm super flawed. I got, man. And especially without Jesus, I'm just. Oh, God. Even when he doesn't even have, like, God has to have all of me. And when he even has, like, 99.9, I'm trash. He's got to have all of me. And so. But I'm not fake. And I have. I've always had this, like, reverential fear of God. And I know that if I'm ever going to be on a platform, I want to lead people to him.
- [29:19]
C
Yeah.
- [29:19]
B
In everything that I do, I just think that that's the most important thing I can. I can try to, you know, I can fit into the, you know, five steps to making the Great Casserole or.
- [29:29]
C
Right.
- [29:30]
B
You know, or whatever. I can do that. That's fine. But I just don't know. In the time that we're living in, I feel that there's an urgency on the health of our soul.
- [29:39]
A
Absolutely.
- [29:40]
B
And the health of our spiritual growth. I feel like there's an urgency there. And so if I have a gift to speaking about that, then I want to use that gift for that. And God's been too good to me.
- [29:54]
A
Same.
- [29:55]
B
And the thing that he has impressed on me so much is that whatever you think it's going to cost you, it didn't cost you as much as it cost him.
- [30:05]
A
Oh.
- [30:06]
B
So if you think it might cost you some relationships, it might cost you some business deals, it might cost you some money, it might cost you some time. Whatever it costs you, it don't cost you more than what it cost him. And so I have to honor him with my life.
- [30:23]
C
Yes.
- [30:23]
B
It cost him too much to redeem me back to him. It cost him too much for us to be reconciled.
- [30:28]
C
Yeah.
- [30:29]
B
The least I can do is give you my life.
- [30:31]
C
Yes.
- [30:32]
B
Oh, that's the least I can do.
- [30:33]
A
That's the least we can do.
- [30:35]
B
That's the least. The least we can do is to give him everything.
- [30:40]
C
Yeah.
- [30:41]
B
Because he deserves so much more, you know? So the least I can do is give you every part of me the best that I can. Am I perfect at it? Absolutely not.
- [30:50]
A
No.
- [30:50]
B
Absolutely not. But I've never been more dedicated than I've been in the last six months. I've never been more dedicated to him. For me, like, in my personal walk.
- [30:59]
A
With him, what was that transition you said in the last six months? What was it that drew you to him and said, okay, I gotta lock.
- [31:05]
B
Down because my divorce being finalized in March, and then I moved out in May.
- [31:13]
A
Wow.
- [31:14]
B
So we were still living together because we had to sell our home. And so then I moved out in May and being on my own, and then I just. Relationship changes. In my personal life, there were some relationship changes, and I just was like, okay, God, it feels like you brought me to this season, and I thought it was gonna be great. I thought, like, okay, I'm getting my new hat.
- [31:40]
A
I got my new house.
- [31:41]
B
So, you know. You know, I'm out of that season. And I was talking about this on my podcast, but I was like, I was so focused on getting out of that old season that I didn't ask God about the new season.
- [31:54]
A
I didn't ask God of ourselves.
- [31:56]
B
I was so trying to get out of it that I didn't say, God, what do you have for me in this new season? What are you requiring of me? What are the things that you need me to get rid of? How can I make sure that I'm stewarding this time properly with me and you? Like, I didn't ask him. Just, like, I didn't ask him when I wanted to get married. I didn't ask him about that. I just got married. I didn't really ask God. I just was like, yeah, it's the right thing to do. I got a baby. I love him. He loves me. Yeah, we go get married.
- [32:25]
C
Yeah.
- [32:26]
B
I didn't ask God. I didn't ask God, you know, and really spend time with him and seeking him on every decision that I've made. And so he brought me to what I say is my wilderness season. I mean, and he. I mean, the way he snatched me up and placed me in this place of, like, isolation and total surrender. And me and him, where I had to, like, have the biggest magnifying mirror in front of me. And he said, yeah, we're gonna search. We're gonna get to the bottom of some stuff.
- [33:01]
A
Absolutely.
- [33:02]
B
We're gonna dig up some real. The stuff. The deep things that you have hidden in your heart. We're gonna really work on those things. And it's been a process. And it was funny. Cause I was on my way here, I was looking in the sink, and I hate seeing dishes in my sink in the morning. I feel like, as a single mom, I'm like, in this space, I'm like, hey, y', all, I paid the bills around here. I cook around here. I make sure the house is clean. You got brand new Jordans on your feet, everybody. I should never see dishes in this sink.
- [33:34]
A
This is the least you can do.
- [33:35]
B
The least. If I'm giving my life to God, the least y' all can do is get these dishes. Get these dishes in this sink. I just. Oh, it drives me nuts. So anyway, I see these dishes in the sink, and it was a bowl, and it had something in the bowl that made. When I was pouring, when I was. Turned the sink on, it was going into the bowl. And the bowl, it was like. It looked like the water was milky, like whatever was in the bowl.
- [34:02]
C
Yeah.
- [34:03]
B
And I just kept the water running, and I just watched it there for a second. I felt. I don't know, I felt the Holy Spirit say, just sit here for a sec. And I just was looking, and this pure water that's clear was going into this bowl. But the water was all this milky color, just, like, cloudy. And I sat there for a minute, and I was like, I wonder when this water is going to turn clear.
- [34:29]
A
Right.
- [34:29]
B
And it took a while, but it got lighter, and it got lighter, and it got lighter, and it got lighter. And eventually that clear water had purged out whatever was in there. And so what I have learned and what God was showing me just in that moment this morning is that sometimes when God does a work in us, we know the work that he does in us. But sometimes the evidence doesn't look like that. Yes, that water still look like it was being cleansed, but it wasn't all the way clean yet. Right. And so I've had to give myself grace. And like, yeah, it. But the faucet's still on, you're still getting per. Like, there are things that are still purging. There are things that are still getting clean. And just because it may not look that way on the surface or. Or because I think I want everyone to see my change.
- [35:21]
C
Yeah.
- [35:24]
B
Do you know what I mean? Like, you know the work God is doing in you, and you want everyone to see it so they can be like, oh, okay, you're. You're doing the work.
- [35:31]
C
Yes.
- [35:32]
B
You're changing. You're this and this and that. And another example of that, I was at an amusement park not that long ago with Jordan, who's like my fourth child. She's my little. I love her so much. And she helps me with my kids. And we were at this amusement park and you know, the basketball game and you know, those rims are like, kind of. It's like it's hard to make a shot.
- [35:54]
C
Right?
- [35:55]
B
So I kind of already went into it and I was like, man, it's gonna be kind of hard, but whatever, I'll try, you know? And so I missed the first one. Then I got the second one. Then I got the third one. And so I won two big stuffed animals. And it's the first time I've ever done this ever in my life. So I'm so excited. I'm like, oh, my God, I did it. You know, I feel like a beast because they're always making fun of me, saying, you know, my kids play basketball.
- [36:17]
A
They're always making fun of me.
- [36:18]
B
And so I felt so good. And I was like, man, I was having this dialogue with God in my head. I was like, dang, I wish I would have recorded that. And he said, why? I said, because I made the shot. He's like, but the evidence is already there.
- [36:33]
A
You got the.
- [36:33]
B
How did you get that if you didn't make the shot? Stop trying to. You don't. Everyone don't have to see this. This is a me and you thing. This is a me and you thing. And if you're doing. And so it's these moments where I have to have this heart. Posture check. Am I doing this because I want a heart that God has made? I want to be Christ minded. I want a heart that is pleasing to him. Or do I want growth that looks good to everyone else?
- [36:59]
C
Yeah.
- [36:59]
A
And we get caught up in that.
- [37:00]
B
Caught up and trying to. And it's like, no, I just want God to be pleasing. Because the Bible says that the heart is deceitful above all, who can know it but God? Not even we know our own Hearts. He's the only one that knows it. So why am I sitting here putting on this pressure on. On myself to make everyone see what only God knows?
- [37:26]
A
Megan.
- [37:26]
C
My God.
- [37:28]
B
You know what I mean? These are, like, real. I mean, these are real life things. Like, I told you, I was looking at that bowl this morning, and God's speaking this stuff to me today, you know? So this is in real time. This is what. How I'm processing, but I'm just like, man, like, I understand. I get it. You want people to see your change. But. And they. And maybe they will, maybe they won't.
- [37:50]
C
Yeah.
- [37:50]
A
And a part is that because you want to inspire people. You want to bring people closer to Christ.
- [37:54]
B
Yeah. You want to be reconciled in certain relationships. You want things to be better. You want people to know, like, hey, man, like, maybe I did hurt you. I'm sorry. I didn't. I didn't have the revelation of God that I have right now. And you want people to see that you're changed, but it's like God brought me to this place, this wilderness, where it's like, this is about me and period, Megan. And if you trust me and you trust that I'm good, then I'll bring the right people into your life. I'll bring the right friendships into your life. I'll bring the right business opportunities. I'll bring the right husband. I'll bring the right community around you. But this is about me and you. And I need you to know that if you have me.
- [38:33]
C
Yes.
- [38:34]
B
You have all you need.
- [38:35]
A
You have everything you need.
- [38:36]
B
Everything you need.
- [38:38]
A
Oh, my goodness. I'm going through the same thing. I did an episode recently called Purging Season, and you talked about Purging, and I felt like relationships with friends, family, like, you know how you ask God, wherever I'm going, if just bring along who's meant to come. And then you see every.
- [38:57]
B
Like, you be like, oh, so nobody.
- [38:59]
A
Like, where did.
- [39:00]
B
Nobody wants to come.
- [39:01]
A
Nobody's coming. But God's like, this is what you asked for. And it's like a really tough time. Isolation, silence. We talked about that. And for me, it's a grieving process. Also something. I'm still grieving. I was very open about it. I know that you and B. Simone had a podcast, which everyone. That's where I fell in love with you. I was like, oh, my gosh, I just adore this girl and love be too. And you guys touched a lot of lives with that. And then you decided that. You guys. We got the announcement. You didn't want to do the podcast anymore. What was that like? You know, just even navigating. Cause you're doing new things, you got your own podcast, you're doing more with your family. We get to see them more now. What is that transition like for you?
- [39:47]
B
It's been the most tragic blessing.
- [39:51]
C
Wow.
- [39:52]
B
I could ever. I mean, I feel like that's the best way to describe it. Like a very tragic blessing. You know what I mean? It sucks when, you know, you think that things are gonna work out a certain way and then they don't. And I've dealt with disappointment in that way before of like having to grieve the idea that I had of something.
- [40:16]
C
Yes.
- [40:17]
B
You know what I mean?
- [40:18]
A
Cause when you go into something, you see it like, oh, this is gonna be amazing. This is gonna be forever.
- [40:22]
B
Oh, yeah. And you know, especially. And I think too, it was like just side eyeing the enemy because I'm like, see, I knew something stupid. You know what I mean? I knew you was gonna. But it's been, like I said, a tragic blessing because it was the thing that propelled me into a wilderness season which was needed. Right. And the way that I know God now and the way that I am experiencing his realness, his kindness, his gentleness, his grace, his mercy, the way that I'm experiencing the fullness of God, his character in totality, the way that I'm experiencing it now, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. This is too precious to me to regret anything that led me to this point. But the season that I'm in right now, it's beautiful because I get to really focus on what God is doing in me through me. I get to focus on the things that he gave me that I know that he gave me, like my children.
- [41:31]
C
Yeah.
- [41:32]
B
I get to really, you know, steward the things properly. And so it just offered this amazing opportunity to do things in a way that's more aligned with Him. Him.
- [41:46]
C
Yeah.
- [41:48]
B
And so it's been a blessing.
- [41:50]
C
That's beautiful.
- [41:50]
B
I spend more time with my kids. I, you know, I spend more time with God.
- [41:55]
C
Yeah.
- [41:56]
B
Because I have all the free time.
- [41:57]
A
In the world to do it.
- [42:00]
B
And the impact that it's been having on me, the ones that are really close to me, I'm being. I've been discipled for a few months now and that's been amazing. Like keeping accountability around me, keeping. I've been in therapy since. Since the beginning of May, and that has been super beneficial.
- [42:24]
C
Yes.
- [42:24]
A
I mean, therapy is everything, like.
- [42:28]
B
And she.
- [42:28]
A
It helps.
- [42:29]
B
And she Loves God. She loves the Lord. She believes in Jesus.
- [42:31]
A
That's important.
- [42:32]
B
And she gives me Bible, you know, she's like, yeah, well, the word says hello, you know, And I need that. I need both.
- [42:38]
A
Yeah, I do, too.
- [42:39]
B
I need both.
- [42:40]
A
I need. I'm the same way.
- [42:41]
B
I need both.
- [42:41]
A
And so that's important to me as well.
- [42:43]
B
It's just been. It's been. You know, there are moments, like, I have on my Patreon, I have. I'm doing this docu series where you really get to see, like, how I'm living this out, and I'm sharing some really, you know, intimate things on there. And you. I really am just grateful for the opportunity to know God on this. In this season.
- [43:13]
A
In this season.
- [43:14]
C
Yeah.
- [43:14]
B
And to just know him and know how he sees me. I don't think I ever saw myself the way he saw me. And so that's been.
- [43:26]
A
A lot of us don't.
- [43:27]
B
It's.
- [43:28]
A
If we did, it'd be literally, it's a game changer when you start to see yourself the way God does danger.
- [43:33]
B
And I just have never lived that way. I have a very. I'm naturally pessimistic. I'm naturally. Don't trust anyone. Naturally. Don't think things are going to work out naturally. Don't see myself in a positive light ever. I don't think I ever have. I don't like. And I've had to search this thing out. Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen myself in a positive light. But. But when some tragic things happened in this last couple of months with the divorce ending and the podcast ending and all of those things, it afforded the opportunity for me to learn how God sees me, which has been the most amazing thing, and it's just been a blessing.
- [44:18]
C
I love that.
- [44:19]
A
I love that we often talk about doing business with friends. And you and Bea have known each other for over 20 years, grew up together, and then you're going through a divorce. You just never know what somebody's going through. Like, I had no idea until we sat down and really talked. I was like, oh, my goodness. Like, I see you, and you just have this glow about you. You really do. You have a light on you. And I just wanted to let people know. You just never know what somebody's going through. And also, how does that affect when you, like, go into new relationships? Are you kind of in a space where you're, like, reluctant, hesitant?
- [44:54]
B
I really love Jesus right now. Like, I really do. And I. I had to admit the other day, I was like, I am terrified to be intimate with anyone. Wow. I don't want to be intimate. I'm, like, very reluctant on intimacy. I'll be honest with you. I'll be transparent if you ask. I'll be 100 honest. No problem. But having the idea of, like, intimacy.
- [45:23]
C
Yeah.
- [45:24]
B
Like, real intimacy. That feels like. I don't know if I. I don't know where I'm at with that. I. I know that I am reluctant. That's all I can say right now. I'm reluctant with intimacy. I want to get to a place where I can be with people and not think. Like, I'm not gonna put too much into this. You know what I mean?
- [45:52]
A
And that's not a way to go into it.
- [45:53]
B
Yes, man. Or just being like, we'll see.
- [45:56]
C
Yep.
- [45:57]
A
But it's a protective thing. It's like. It's almost like a shield. Like, all right, got it. Let me go ahead and armor up so that whatever happens, I'm ready to take the hits. And if it doesn't, then I can take a little piece off at a time, but.
- [46:09]
B
And it's hard, though, to go through some, you know, impactful relationship changes and not grow a hard heart.
- [46:22]
C
Yeah.
- [46:22]
B
You know, and I have to daily pray, God, please keep my heart, like, keep my heart soft and. Which means praying for those who hurt me and asking God to give me a heart for those who hurt me. Because I don't want my heart to grow hard.
- [46:39]
C
Yeah.
- [46:39]
B
I don't want to, you know, miss genuine relationships and friendships because I'm, you know, I'm. I don't trust myself.
- [46:49]
C
Right.
- [46:50]
B
And being honest and being like, you know, I don't think I trust myself. I don't think I trust that I pick the right people. And I don't think I'm. I trust what I'm going to do in the relationships. Maybe I'm the problem. I don't want to mess up again. I don't want to, you know, and it's just all the enemy. It's not, you know, it's not the way that God I know, wants me to think. But I. But I'm honest with how I feel about those things, and I just ask God to help me. And recently, he had to remind me of something that he told me a long time ago. When it comes to allowing. Protecting your heart. So you can protect your heart with a brick wall or a concrete wall. You can build that wall all the way around, and you can protect it. But then it's like, no one gets to see. No one gets to see it.
- [47:38]
C
Yeah.
- [47:39]
B
And so it's like maybe put a fence.
- [47:42]
C
Yes.
- [47:43]
B
Around it.
- [47:44]
C
Yeah.
- [47:44]
B
So that people can see your heart. But in order to have access to it, there's going to have to be a process to have access to that heart. You're going to have to have a gate code, you know what I'm saying? To have access. Access to my heart. But I want to be in a better place where people can see my heart and see how God is changing my heart and see how he's turning my heart in certain ways and still be wise on who I allow to have access to my heart in relationships, platonic or romantic. I just want to go into it with that type of mind frame. So that's. I'm like, just keep. Just pray for me. Because I'm like, I know that that's it. I know I'm having an intimacy issue, but I know that I want to keep a soft heart and for people to see my heart and, you know, and just have more wisdom on who has access to it.
- [48:30]
A
I love it.
- [48:31]
B
Yeah.
- [48:31]
A
That's beautiful. Now you're saying that you are guarded. You are absolutely drop dead gorgeous. You're single now. Are you open to love? Are you like, are you still in this? It's just me and Jesus right now. I'm cool.
- [48:45]
B
Yeah, it is definitely just me and Jesus, for sure. I think that's a lifetime thing, though.
- [48:49]
A
Yeah.
- [48:49]
B
It's like, yeah, you gonna. And I. And I think there's wisdom in it because I feel like, for me, if a woman is focused and dedicated to her relationship with God, that any man that comes to her really would have to go through that avenue. You know what I mean? So it's like, if not in the sense of trying to make things hard for a man, like, you need to read Psalms and ecclesiastics and Amos. It's like, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying that I want to be with a man that searches God.
- [49:26]
C
Yes.
- [49:26]
B
To have access to my heart, that he searches him.
- [49:29]
C
Yeah.
- [49:29]
B
And he says, God, this is your daughter. You love her. You know her.
- [49:34]
C
Yes.
- [49:34]
B
How do I.
- [49:35]
A
Yes. How do I.
- [49:36]
B
How do I love her?
- [49:37]
C
Yeah.
- [49:37]
B
You know, I want. I just. I think it's that thing so open 100%. But, you know, I think maybe in this time right now, like, God just is, you know, healing me and allowing that time to heal and grieve so that when he does open the opportunity for me to have relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, that my heart is open to receive it, and I can steward it properly without trying to hop into a relationship while grieving the last relationship. And you know what I mean? I just feel like it could be a distraction.
- [50:17]
C
Yeah.
- [50:18]
B
So I just want to be whole, healed, and then I want to be able to be in a place where I can steward it properly and be the best. You know, be my best self in it.
- [50:30]
A
Absolutely. I love that. So what are you doing? It's my last question. We're going to close with this. What are you doing daily to make sure that Megan is good.
- [50:39]
B
So my daily routine, if I'm being honest, it probably sounds really like it's like, girl, go work out and drink water. Right. Like, I feel like I really wish that was my daily routine, but I have trained myself to wake up and go to the Bible app first instead of Instagram.
- [51:00]
C
Yes.
- [51:01]
B
Because Instagram is the first thing I go to because I feel like, you know, there's business things in there. There's messages you want to, you know, whatever. So Instagram used to be my first go to, and then I would be like, did I miss something from last night? Like, making sure that I'm up to date with everything. So from now for the last couple of months, my go to is immediately. I'm trying to be realistic. I know I'm gonna grab my phone. I'm not trying to be right. You know how people be like, yep. I'm like, well, let's keep it a buck. I'm gonna grab my phone.
- [51:31]
C
Yes.
- [51:31]
B
I don't have a clock in my room. I need to know what time it is. And that phone is the clock is the alarm clock. It's everything. It's everything. So I'm going to grab it. So I grab it. But I force myself to go to the Bible at first. And so the first thing that I'm digesting is the scripture of the day. So it's God's word. It's the first thing that I'm grabbing. And then I consciously, in my head, make sure that I acknowledge him before I do anything. So I open my eyes and I'm like, God, thank you for this day. As I'm grabbing my phone to go to the Bible app. That's my first thing. I take my kids to school, and then for the first, probably two hours of my morning, I spend in my office with God. Two hours. And I don't plan on it to be two hours. I'm not saying two hours because I'm just this amazing spiritual guru. I'm not. It becomes Two hours. Because I'm weeping and sobbing and his presence is real. But I spend that morning doing my devotional. I read a devotional by Jackie Hill Perry. She has a 60 day devotional, which I love. And it's like, so it's short, it's not long, but it's Bible, so there's scripture that you can go to, and it's just very helpful. And she speaks in a way that I understand, so I think that's important. So I read that I go to Scripture and I pray, and that's my morning routine.
- [52:50]
A
Amazing.
- [52:50]
B
And that literally, like, when I don't do that, I feel the difference, saying, oh, yeah.
- [52:55]
A
If I'm off my morning routine with God, that messes up the tone for the whole day.
- [52:59]
B
It's like, literally, I've had to reset my day in the middle of the day.
- [53:05]
C
Yes, yes.
- [53:06]
B
And be like, what happened?
- [53:07]
A
Oh, yeah, you didn't spend time with me.
- [53:09]
B
Y' all give me about 20 minutes and I'mma go. And sometimes that's all it takes. It doesn't have to take 22 hours every day. But I realized that if I get up or try to be mindful of preparing myself before I have to be anything else, before I have to be a mom, before I have to be a businesswoman, before I have to be a podcast host, before I have to be anything else, if I can just give myself the first few hours of the day so that God can deposit something in me, so that I can be his first and then go be everybody. Else's.
- [53:42]
C
Yes.
- [53:42]
B
And when I am his first, he strengthens me. He gives me all the things that I need, because he knows my day. I don't know my day, but he knows what my day has in store for me. So when I go to him first, it's like. It's the cheat code.
- [53:56]
C
Yeah.
- [53:56]
B
It's like he knows what I'm going to face today. So I go to him and he gives me what I need to grace me through that day. And that's it.
- [54:04]
A
That's amazing. I want to challenge everybody to make sure you carve out time for God before you start anything. I'm telling you, it is a game changer. Changer.
- [54:13]
B
Game changer. Yeah.
- [54:15]
A
So you talked about this season showing you how God sees you, which I think is so important, but how do you feel like God sees you and how do you see yourself now?
- [54:24]
B
I think the more that I read God's word was the more I saw how he sees me. And so the woman that's Discipling me, she would, she takes me through scripture and we break down the text and she, you know, really breaks it down for me so that I can really understand what God is trying to say. But when she, when I read it, she makes me replace the you with my name. Or like, she makes me personalize it. Like, Megan, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are, you know, so you are a new creature. I am like. And making me personalize it, which has helped me, seeing that His Word wasn't just to everyone, but it was for me. Like, it was personalized. Like he personally allowed this beautiful love letter for me. And just seeing that and believing it, that he did this for me.
- [55:20]
C
Yeah.
- [55:21]
B
And so seeing His Word and reading it and knowing it and making a commitment to know it has allowed me to see myself the way that he sees me. And, you know, and knowing the lies of the enemy, because I know God's word. And so I know when the enemy is talking because I know God's word. And I'm like, God don't sound like that.
- [55:42]
A
Look, people say God did not say that.
- [55:44]
B
God did not say that. He didn't say that. That's not. Nope, that's not him. And so just knowing those things, knowing His Word.
- [55:53]
A
Now when you look in the mirror in the morning, what do you see? Do you see everything that God sees?
- [55:58]
B
Not yet. I don't see it all yet. I still struggle with seeing myself in totality. The way that he sees me, I still struggle with that. But I am, by reading His Word, it's in me. And so it comes up. When certain things come up, I'm quick to make. So the Bible says that take every thought into captivity and make it come into submission to Christ. So I take those thoughts when I start to have negative thoughts and I say, does this align with God's word? And if it doesn't, all right, you gotta go, you gotta go, you gotta go. I'm not doing that. And sometimes I have these, these out loud dialogues. I'm like, yeah, no, you can go. No, enemy, no, you gotta go. I'm not in the mood for that. I'm just like, no.
- [56:45]
C
Yeah.
- [56:46]
B
And I just, you know, the Bible says, resist the enemy, he'll flee. It's that. It's that simple. Yeah, I just. Those are not thoughts that my Father has given me, so I just get rid of them.
- [56:55]
A
I love that.
- [56:56]
B
It's a daily process though.
- [56:57]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [56:58]
A
Can you tell us what that is? When he sees me as redeemed, he sees me as graceful.
- [57:06]
B
I think. Like I said, the more that I read His Word, the more that I know his truth. And if I'm a little side thing that is helpful is that. Have you guys. You guys know, like Chat, GPT, the AI.
- [57:24]
C
Yeah.
- [57:25]
B
So they have a Bible chat now.
- [57:26]
A
Really?
- [57:27]
B
And it's called. It's called Bible Chat. And it's like the best thing ever, I think, because I'm not saying it replaces the Bible at all. But there are certain questions that I have, like, how am I redeemed if I. Like, will God ever get sick of me coming to Him?
- [57:44]
C
Wow.
- [57:44]
B
The questions that I have. And so then when there's Bible to prove that, like, if you come to him with a sincere heart, he's faithful.
- [57:52]
C
Yes.
- [57:52]
B
Knock and the door will be open. Like those type of things. And so knowing that when I start to feel that shame, bringing that shame up again, or like when the enemy is trying to convince me of something that God didn't say, I just have to keep bringing those things up. And by confessing those things, I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. I'm the head, not the tail.
- [58:13]
C
Yes.
- [58:13]
B
I'm above and not beneath. Right. He's called me lovely.
- [58:18]
C
Yeah.
- [58:19]
B
You know, he knows me. He did all of this for me.
- [58:23]
C
Yes.
- [58:24]
B
And I just have to just remind myself of that. And it's proven in His Word. This is what His Word says. He loves us. Not only does he love us, but he so loves us that he gave his only to redeem us back to Him. I believe that. And my faith is sustained in believing that. And it's like, you got to believe God in totality or not. You can't pick and choose what part you want to believe. It's either this or it's not. He either loves you or he doesn't.
- [58:54]
C
Yeah. That's real.
- [58:55]
B
So if he loves you, then he loves you.
- [58:58]
A
Simple.
- [58:58]
B
As. Simple as that. And there's nothing that I can ever do to change that. I think there's some in Psalms where David says, I can go to the highest mountain or make my bed in hell, and you'll be with me no matter where he goes. He loves you so much that he can't escape you. And I start to see these things, and this is how I know that he loves me. Where it says that his thoughts for me outnumber the grains of the sand. Of all the earth.
- [59:23]
A
Of all the earth.
- [59:24]
B
Your thoughts for me.
- [59:25]
A
Right.
- [59:27]
B
Little old me.
- [59:28]
C
Yes.
- [59:29]
B
And he's consistent in this all throughout His Word. He's consistent in how much he loves us and pointing us in that direction. And so I just choose to believe that he's real. I choose to believe that he's real and that his love is real. I just choose to believe it.
- [59:44]
C
Yeah.
- [59:44]
B
And that choice in believing it changes everything.
- [59:46]
C
It does.
- [59:47]
A
Absolutely. So you've been very open on your podcast, know for sure about mental health issues that you've dealt with, depression, even battling thoughts of suicide. In my Kipps community, when I tell you the. It's like, literally the team spends hours going through emails trying to find letters for our positive outcomes to read on each episode. And they go through. And like, almost all of them is going through depression, suicidal thoughts, and it's really heartbreaking. It really is. When I found that out, I was like, what? You know and you don't understand, like, when you share that, how many more people actually going through the exact same thing, what is something that you can share to maybe just give them some advice on how to handle that since you've opened up about it as well.
- [60:33]
B
Yeah. That's. It's such a heartbreaking experience. And because I know it personally, I just hate hearing other people go through it because I know what I've experienced experience, and I'm like, if I've experienced this, I know what I've experienced. So I just hate the idea that other people have experienced that. And I have a really big problem with the enemy right now and what he's doing to attack people in their minds. And. And what I would say is, is that you have to know. And I was. I actually said this on one of my episodes. I was saying, you have to know who your God is, and you have to know who your enemy is and that the enemy is a deceiver.
- [61:31]
C
Yeah.
- [61:32]
B
And like I was saying before, he knows that the only way for you to forfeit the promises that God has for your life is for you to do it.
- [61:41]
C
Yeah.
- [61:42]
B
And so he wants to deceive you into thinking that you are unworthy, that you are, you can't be redeemed, that your life isn't worth anything, and these are lies. But he knows that if he can get you to believe this, then you will forfeit the things that God has for you.
- [62:05]
C
Yep.
- [62:06]
B
And you have to know that it is a trick. It is a sick trick of the enemy to make you think that your life has no purpose. It is one of the. It is one of his biggest influences right now.
- [62:23]
C
It is. Yeah.
- [62:24]
B
Is to get people to think that their life isn't worth it. And the only thing that I can say that has worked for me, for me. I have done medications for depression, for suicide, for anxiety. I've done those things. The only thing that has worked for me is knowing who God is and really believing in who he is and who he says that I am.
- [62:53]
C
Yes.
- [62:54]
B
And really believing it. And I don't know a way to. I don't have a five steps on how to get to the. That point to believing it.
- [63:02]
A
Right.
- [63:02]
B
But I do know that I have been desperate enough where I've tried everything. And I think that sometimes that people get confused with people who battle depression and suicide and they think that, oh, you just want to die, like it says. And it's not that. It's that this pain that I'm feeling causes me not to want to live. But it doesn't mean I'm trying. I want to die. I don't have a desire to die. I just. Just can't live with this pain. This pain feels too deep into. It's consuming me. It's consuming my thoughts. It's consuming everything in me. And it feels that I am never going to get out of this pain. And when I tell you, for me, the only person, the only thing that has relieved that pain has been God's love and his presence and his realness and His Word. And it has healed the deepest wounds in my heart. The deepest wounds in my heart. He has been the only thing that has helped me, the only thing that has fully made me free from that. Now I still struggle. I struggle. You know, I struggle sometimes. And there are opportunities that present themselves for me to fall into a depression or for me to, you know, think that my life is worthless and I can't move on and I can't do anything. But it's a feeling. And that's it.
- [64:27]
C
Yeah.
- [64:28]
B
It's not real.
- [64:29]
C
Yes.
- [64:29]
B
It's just a feeling. And it's a feeling that the enemy likes to manipulate because he's a manipulator.
- [64:35]
C
He is.
- [64:36]
B
And so you just have to know the truth. You have to speak the truth over yourself. You have to know. Surround yourself with people that are going to see. Speak truth to you.
- [64:45]
C
Yes.
- [64:46]
B
Speak God's word to you. People that are going to hold up your arms and say, hey, listen, I know you can't hold yourself. It's okay. I'm going to hold you up. I'm going to speak God's word to you. Even if you don't know it, even if you don't believe it. I'm going to speak it over you, Therapy, getting a good counselor. You know what I mean? Getting help. Godly wisdom. Yes, yes, Godly wisdom. And then you know, and for there are some people that sometimes just take an inventory and having someone who can help you really take good inventory of your heart. Because sometimes you not depressed, you disobedient. Yeah, you not depressed. My friend Bri said this, she said, yeah, you're not depressed, you disobedient. Yeah, you don't have anxiety, you're disobedient. There's a difference because sometimes that, that freedom is on the other side of obedience. Sometimes there's something that God is requiring you to do and you keep avoiding it and you're wondering why you keep finding yourself in this same situation. And I'm guilty of it too. I have a chemical imbalance. So I'm not saying that God, you know, but there were things that he required me to do and once I started doing those things, I started to feel free.
- [65:59]
C
Yeah.
- [66:00]
B
You know what I mean? Sometimes it's just on the other side of obedience, sometimes it is medication and a therapist with godly wisdom. Sometimes it's a combination of things, you know. But I, I, I do know for me including God into that process, whatever you do. Cuz he's the ultimate healer, he's the ultimate caregiver, he's the ultimate like. And so just adding him into that routine I think will show the difference.
- [66:28]
C
Yeah.
- [66:28]
B
And help and you know, and so.
- [66:31]
A
Thank you, thank you for sharing that.
- [66:33]
B
Yeah, I hope that helps somebody.
- [66:35]
A
Yeah, no, I mean it helped me so I know it will. Thank you so much. We are coming to the close of the show and we do something that is called positive outcomes where our listeners write in and we give them advice. Okay, this one says hi crystal, I'm a 53 year old man just coming home from prison on false charges. I'm a God fearing spiritually inclined man who believes in our being made in the image of our Creator. My passion lies in service and it does my heart good to know that my God given ability to was able to help make someone's life better or solve a problem for them. As I mentioned earlier, I came home a few years ago and the signs and pressure have been a deterrent for me. Both family and friends expect the person who left and not the person who returned. I was recently blessed to hear a sermon where a preacher talked about the power of attitude and what I should or shouldn't allow to affect my spiritual walk. Do you have any advice for walking a more spiritually engineered walk When I tell you that all the tests are presently showing up to pull me away from my right walk would be an understatement. I wish. My wish is to continue to serve, and my hope is that God will bless me with favor.
- [67:49]
C
Wow.
- [67:51]
A
I cannot imagine, like, my life coming to a halt off of something that I did not do.
- [67:56]
B
How many years?
- [67:56]
A
He didn't say how many years. Yeah, he just. Yeah, he's been home for a few years for false charges. Um. Wow. I would say sometimes people cannot forget who you were. When you say family and friends still want the guy who left and not the guy who returned, um, it may take a while for them to realize, hey, you really changed. You're not the same person. But what I would do is continue to pour into your word, make sure that you go to church, surround yourself with community. I know my church has different groups that you can, like, connect with people so that you're not on this island by yourself trying to come closer to God and keep that walk. When you. I feel like when you have accountability partners and people that are on the same walk as you, it makes it a lot easier to make sure that you stay focused.
- [68:45]
C
Yeah. Yeah.
- [68:46]
B
I think, you know, sometimes people prefer you broken and because it makes them feel better about their brokenness.
- [68:55]
A
Yeah, they don't want to see each other.
- [68:56]
B
And so you changing and growing makes them feel like now they got to step it up and change and grow.
- [69:03]
A
You do.
- [69:06]
B
I think you have to have grace for them, too, because they don't know this person yet. And so you have to give them grace because you know the changes that God has made in you. But that doesn't mean they know that. Like I said, they may not see it yet. That's still purify, you know, maybe they just don't see it yet. And so I think having grace for them as you are navigating through this new chapter of your life and then asking God to bring in the right people that. That can help you where you are right now and help you grow better and further into that journey. So I think, you know, a combination of those things. But I would say give your family grace.
- [69:44]
C
Yeah.
- [69:45]
B
Because they don't know this person.
- [69:46]
A
They don't.
- [69:46]
B
And they'll get to know him and just stay consistent, you know, And God is faithful that when you ask him for help, he's faithful to give you help. And so.
- [69:57]
C
So good.
- [69:57]
B
So, yeah, just hang in there.
- [69:59]
A
Love it.
- [69:59]
C
Yeah.
- [70:04]
A
We also do a part that's called what I'm going through and what I'M growing through, and I'll start this week. I am. We talked about purging, and oftentimes in the grieving process, you kind of leave hope hoping that things will change. Or you have moments where you're like, I think I should just reach out or maybe I should do this. And then something comes along and you get news. Certain things are happening. Like, okay, no, it's like almost like signs that keep coming. Like, whatever you thought you having a moment, don't do it. Don't go back. And I am going through finally closing the door on some chapters that I was leaving cracked, you know, and growing through, Knowing that I say this all the time. Everyone can't go with you, but actually learning that because when you say everybody can't go, you still hope that they'll figure it out and so they can't come. You know, so I'm growing through. Through that as well.
- [71:05]
B
Yeah, I love that. Probably the same thing. I think I'm in that same transition of going through a new season and growing. Growing in the new season, too. I think it's the same, like, literally the same, like, just allowing God to help me as I'm navigating through this new season.
- [71:34]
C
Yeah.
- [71:34]
B
So I'm going through it and I'm growing through it. Like, I'm just, you know, so, yeah, I think the same thing that you're experiencing. And we were talking about it. Everybody is experiencing.
- [71:49]
A
So we ended with keep it blank, sweetie. And this is what we want to tell our followers or listeners to do for this episode. I'm gonna start say we touched on so much and so much has resonated with me. I'm going to say keep it hopeful, sweetie. I like that.
- [72:11]
B
I'm going to say keep it faithful.
- [72:18]
C
I love that.
- [72:19]
B
Just be faithful.
- [72:20]
C
Yes.
- [72:21]
A
Oh, my gosh. Megan Ashley Brooks, everyone. Oh, my goodness.
- [72:27]
B
Thank you so much. I'm telling you, I needed this morning.
- [72:30]
A
Listen until you everyone that sits on the couch ends up saying that. But I'm so happy that you're happy that you came and you feel like this is good. It was really good. And I know you guys are going to enjoy this episode. Guys, if you want to write into our positive outcomes listener letter, write into keepitpositive, sweetie gmail dot com. And that's sweetie with an I. Ie. You can follow kips on all platforms at keep it positive, sweetie. You can follow me on all platforms at Love, crystal Renee. And that's luv, Crystal Renee. Megan, Tell the people they can find you and let them know what you got going on so we can jump on board and support you.
- [73:03]
B
Yeah. So you can follow me on basically all social media platforms. It's Immegan Ashley and I just have. I'm a new podcast in totality which is doing really good. I'm so excited about it. So, yeah. So all the streaming platforms, YouTube, you can subscribe to my channel. I have a Patreon community where they get like exclusive.
- [73:28]
C
Yeah.
- [73:29]
B
Like BTS stuff and they get my docu series where you can kind of see the how I'm living this thing out.
- [73:36]
C
Yeah.
- [73:36]
B
So, yeah.
- [73:37]
A
Amazing.
- [73:38]
B
It's so hard for me to be like, follow me on.
- [73:40]
A
Right. But no, we got to let them know where we can find you. So I'm excited for what the future holds for you. God bless you. I'm proud of you and I'm here for you.
- [73:49]
B
Thank you. Thank you. I'm so excited. Thank you so much.
- [73:52]
A
Absolutely.
- [73:52]
B
This is great.
- [73:53]
C
So good.
- [73:54]
B
Yeah.