Podcast Summary: Kelly Corrigan Wonders – "Losing the Ones We Love with BJ Miller"
Release Date: December 8, 2020
Host: Kelly Corrigan
Guest: BJ Miller, Palliative Care Physician and Triple Amputee
Introduction
In the poignant episode titled "Losing the Ones We Love with BJ Miller," Kelly Corrigan delves deep into the universal experience of loss, exploring how end-of-life care is evolving in the post-COVID world. Joined by BJ Miller, a compassionate palliative care physician who has personally navigated profound loss, Kelly shares intimate narratives that resonate with anyone grappling with grief and the fragility of life.
Personal Stories of Loss
Kelly opens the conversation by reflecting on her own heartbreaking experiences. In [06:23], she shares the profound impact of losing her father and her friend Liz within the same year. Both individuals consciously chose to transition to hospice, opting for a dignified and intentional death surrounded by loved ones, free from the mechanical interventions that often accompany hospital settings.
Notable Quote:
“I lost my dad, my secret weapon in the world, and also my friend Liz. They both consciously stopped treatment, transitioned to hospice, and died exactly as they intended to.”
— Kelly Corrigan [06:23]
Conversations with Andy Lotz
A significant portion of the episode recounts Kelly’s in-depth conversation with Andy Lotz, Liz's husband. Andy candidly discusses the emotional turmoil and logistical challenges they faced while planning Liz’s compassionate death. He reveals the difficulty in accepting hospice care, initially viewing it as a temporary respite rather than a pathway to death.
Notable Quotes:
“It was very traumatic for me to call hospice... It was hard to acknowledge.”
— Andy Lotz [09:15]
“When she died, she was in hospice for nine days. And when she died, I was shocked.”
— Andy Lotz [09:01]
Andy also shares how unspoken understandings and subtle conversations shaped their approach to Liz’s passing, emphasizing the importance of aligning actions with her true desires.
Notable Quote:
“We never talked about marriage. We never talked about getting married, whatever... And she looked and I'm like, mm, right. Got it.”
— Andy Lotz [11:43]
Introducing BJ Miller
Kelly introduces BJ Miller, highlighting his unique perspective as both a palliative care physician and a triple amputee. BJ’s personal journey through loss and disability informs his empathetic approach to end-of-life care.
Notable Quote:
“Tell me it was glorious. It was a gift.”
— BJ Miller [18:23]
Evolving Perspectives on Death and End-of-Life Care
The core of the episode revolves around how societal attitudes toward death are shifting. BJ discusses the "Silver Tsunami," referencing the aging baby boomer population that will significantly impact end-of-life care demand. He critiques the medical system's default to prolonging life at any cost, often neglecting the patient’s wishes and quality of life.
Notable Quotes:
“Death is not the opposite of life. Death is an integral part of life. It's the last song in the musical.”
— BJ Miller [56:04]
“We're never going to be able to train enough hospice and palliative care physicians... We're nowhere near being able to meet current demand.”
— BJ Miller [32:10]
BJ emphasizes the distinction between palliative care and hospice, explaining that while palliative care addresses suffering at any stage of illness, hospice specifically focuses on end-of-life care.
The Role of Psychedelics in Grief and Healing
A fascinating segment explores the therapeutic potential of psilocybin (magic mushrooms) in helping individuals cope with grief and existential anxieties. BJ shares insights from current research and his personal experiences, highlighting how guided psychedelic journeys can facilitate profound emotional healing and ego dissolution.
Notable Quotes:
“A well-supported psilocybin or ketamine trip can be a miracle.”
— BJ Miller [56:04]
“Psilocybin... helps people find meaning and feel connected to the universe and to let go of the ego.”
— BJ Miller [39:23]
Practical Approaches to Coping with Loss
BJ and Kelly discuss actionable strategies for managing grief, such as open communication and asking meaningful questions to better understand and support those who are dying. They stress the importance of not deferring emotional needs and embracing vulnerability to foster deeper connections and healing.
Notable Quotes:
“Deferring is hazardous.”
— BJ Miller [56:04]
“Avoiding regret is about as powerful for me, perhaps more powerful than pursuing joy.”
— BJ Miller [48:23]
Reflections on Shared Humanity and Intimacy
The conversation culminates in a reflection on how shared experiences of loss and vulnerability can bridge divides and foster genuine intimacy. BJ underscores that death is a unifying human experience that, when approached with kindness and openness, can lead to profound personal and societal transformation.
Notable Quotes:
“This is the greatest fact of our shared humanity. This is what we all have in common.”
— BJ Miller [45:46]
“There's a little bit of eye contact that's maybe a millisecond, but it's intimate.”
— BJ Miller [54:21]
Closing Thoughts and Takeaways
As the episode concludes, Kelly summarizes key insights gleaned from her conversation with BJ:
- Death is an Integral Part of Life: Understanding death as a natural conclusion rather than an adversary.
- Human Adaptability: Embracing change and the ability to rebuild oneself.
- Valuing Intimacy: Allowing vulnerability to foster deeper connections.
- Changing National Conversation: Recognizing the impending need to address end-of-life care more comprehensively.
- Avoiding Deferral: Addressing emotional needs proactively to prevent long-term regret.
- Embracing Interdependence: Acknowledging that needing others is fundamental to a full life.
- Therapeutic Psychedelics: Utilizing psilocybin and similar substances under professional guidance for healing.
- Shared Humanity: Leveraging the universality of death to bridge societal divides and enhance compassion.
Notable Closing Quote:
“Human beings are not just their bodies, not even close.”
— BJ Miller [56:04]
Kelly also expresses her profound gratitude to BJ, recognizing his invaluable insights and the depth of their shared experiences.
Conclusion
"Losing the Ones We Love with BJ Miller" is a deeply moving exploration of loss, grief, and the evolving landscape of end-of-life care. Through heartfelt storytelling and expert insights, Kelly Corrigan invites listeners to reflect on their own perceptions of death and embrace a more compassionate, understanding approach to the inevitable.
For those seeking comfort, understanding, or a deeper connection with their own experiences of loss, this episode offers both solace and practical wisdom.
Takeaways for Your Refrigerator Door:
- Death is life’s last song—embrace it as part of the whole.
- We’re adaptable beings; allow yourself to rebuild and grow.
- Intimacy thrives in vulnerability—let others see your true self.
- The conversation about death is changing—be part of it.
- Don’t defer your emotional needs—address them now.
- Needing others enriches your life—don’t shy away from dependency.
- Therapeutic experiences like psilocybin can facilitate profound healing.
- Death unites us all—seek compassion and understanding.
Recommended Listening:
Don’t miss the full, unedited conversation with Andy Lotz in the episode titled "Love, Loss and Remembering," dedicated to Kelly’s friend Liz Lotz.