← Kennedy Saves the World
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- [00:00]
A
Hello and welcome to this episode of Kennedy Saves the World. If you need a story about someone whose life started out difficultly and progressed to an absolute show, and then there was redemption and now fame, you have to read Waiting for Nerd Roddick. From prison to YouTube, Gary Buechler is not only the author, he is the liver. He is the man who went through an extraordinary, harrowing, intense, terrifying journey that included some stints in the most difficult, dangerous jails and prisons in California. And now he is, I guess he is Nerd Rotic. Or you have Nerd Rotic, Gary. Welcome to Kennedy Saves the World.
- [00:54]
B
Thank you for having me on. And I'm sure you've heard this a ton. Big fan from the MTV days. Okay. I was watching back then. It was good times of, you know, the. The brief reprieves from what was going on in my life back then. But yes, Nerd Rotic is the channel.
- [01:12]
A
Okay?
- [01:13]
B
You can call me whatever you want. It's fine. But Nerd Rotic's the channel. And yeah, I talk about pop culture mostly from a critical lens we'll say will be nice about it.
- [01:24]
A
Good. Good for you. But there's a lot to discuss. Like, people tend to dismiss pop culture, but I think there's a lot there. Like, it's an interesting lens through which we can see culture and ourselves and, you know, people of course, get caught up in it, but there's so much more to it than just the superficial. And I know you take things apart with a critical and humorous eye.
- [01:49]
B
I. I try. I try to laugh a lot at this because, I mean, mockery works, but it also, it's. I've seen a lot of stuff I love get absolutely destroyed and destroyed with what my friend Will, the critical drinker, calls the message. And this is stuff I've loved all my life, and it helped me through some pretty hard times. And I know it's the same for other people and what you just brought up. Pop culture is important. Pop culture is culture, and it is reflective of what we're going through. And the trajection it's had, which has been completely down, really reflects what's happened to our country and to Western civilization over the last 10 years. And, you know, a lot of people do dismiss it, and they really shouldn't. They dismiss gamers, they dismiss comic book readers, and they say it's childish, that that's not going to win you any fans, particularly if you're a politician and particularly if you're from either side of the aisle. And the importance is embracing that and understanding that it is part. It is our American culture, particularly, but
- [02:51]
A
also people who are dismissive don't understand, and they've. They've never had things explained to them properly, which makes me sad. You know, I had briefly dated someone who was like, an indie film director, and he was like, what are your favorite movies? And I was like, Lord of the Rings and Captain America and Caddyshack and Fletch. And he was like, ew, gross. And I was like, God, what a snob. Because those things have brought me so much joy over the years, and there was so much in your book that I connected with. And, you know, when. When you write about your early childhood, a lot of it's really heartbreaking because your mom had you in a Salvation army hospital when she was 6, 16. And you said that from the moment you were born, you were an addict. How did you know that? How did you come to that realization?
- [03:47]
B
It came to me later on, but just the just total lack of impulse control. You know, I'd have to eat all of my Halloween candy in a night, which is terrible.
- [03:58]
A
I know. When you wrote that, and you're like, my parents told me not to eat all my candy at once, so I ate it all at once. And I was like, I've been there.
- [04:07]
B
Yeah. And. And it just. It manifested over time, and it was again going through aa, realizing that I had a very addictive personality, which, I mean, I still have, obviously, if you see the background. But it's. It's being able to point that. But it was something I recognized much later. And whether we know or not, it was passed on by mom, we know addiction can be passed on. Uh, so I think that possibly what happened. I don't want to blame her for it. Uh, but it's definitely. It's.
- [04:39]
A
I mean, she was a kid. She was trying to do the right thing. And you make that clear. You know, your. Your dad, the. The man who adopted you, he had a really tough childhood. Like, you know, your parents, when they adopted you, like, they were trying to do the right thing. Like, they were trying to make their family whole. And you're. You're really good about explaining. Like, this is not a book for me to get all over these people who are my parents, you know? But it is an explanation for how I came into the world and what happened after that.
- [05:11]
B
Yeah, they. My dad did what he could. And what you just brought up. He grew up without a dad, just out of the depression. They lived in South Dakota. He was six years old, working on A farm, their house didn't have heat. I mean, like, they had a real tough life. A lot of our generation can't even understand, like, what they live through. So they weren't ready for the little monster that they adopted, you know, and, and, and it is not their fault. What, what happened to me was circumstances. And again, you know, the, the describing addiction as, as a disease is tough to a lot of people because a lot of people don't. They just want to see that as an excuse. And I never use it. And I don't think any, you know, anybody in recovery uses it as an excuse. It's a disease that still requires a conscious decision. Right? So it's not like a disease like, like cancer. Right. It's just, it's. It's a brain chemistry thing. We just have. It's. It's an OCD thing. It. And we just have to learn to live with it. We can't expect the world to bend to us. It's something we have to learn to live with and take responsibility for that. But they weren't ready at all. And, you know, I, I broke in houses when I was like, single digit ages. You know, like, I was, I was doing like, very impulsive, stupid things even back then. And whatever was behind that, the addiction or the abuse I went through at a very early age. Not from my parents, by the way, from a school teacher, from.
- [06:42]
A
From your first grade teacher, which is so heartbreaking. You know, there's so much stuff in there that when you process life through a different lens, when you've got a couple of decades of experience, you look back at that and you're like, of course. And you know, it's so heartbreaking and it makes you so mad, because I want to go back in time and I want to, I want to punch that teacher and then run him over with a steamroller. And, you know, the fact that you didn't have words for what was happening to you, it makes sense because, you know, if you're born with addiction and then you suffer childhood sexual abuse and then you've got, you know, the generation of people who are like, well, we'll just beat it out of him and we'll kick him out and we'll kick him out of this school, and then you punched a high school teacher in the face. And then, you know, it's San Diego and you got all this great weather all year long where you can go and make meth and get arrested and, you know, eventually end up in the El Cajon jail, which didn't sound like a great place.
- [07:43]
B
Oh, no. The El Cajon jail famously had an escape because the contractors, I guess, went cheap and just made it with. They didn't reinforce the walls like they were supposed to, so it's just plaster. And I was there, and this was a famous case in. In San Diego where they just beat a hole in the wall.
- [08:03]
A
And what year was that?
- [08:04]
B
That was in 1988. Or not 88 or 9. Late late 80s. And they just broke off a bar from a bunk and punched a hole in the wall and did the whole, like, tying the sheets together and got out. I think they. Most of them got caught, but the jail was completely shut down after that. The building's still there in the middle of El Cajon. And that was like one of the nicer ones. But we got locked down for weeks. And I remember, like, we were eating. They wouldn't feed us, so they. We were eating ketchup packets. Yeah.
- [08:38]
A
You said that you were stuck in your cell for two weeks.
- [08:41]
B
Yeah.
- [08:42]
A
And they. They would give you food sporadically. You were not allowed out of your cell. You were not allowed to see the sunlight. You were not allowed to exercise. You. You were not allowed to shower. And so you. And you had three other cellmates, and you guys just wreaked. Is that when you met Gerald the Walrus?
- [09:00]
B
Yes. Yes. And that's. That's. I mean, it's. Of course, it's a. That's a pen name for somebody. You know, we. We changed the names to protect the guilty and the innocent. And we. We played uno. We played uno. We played card games. That's all we could do. But, yeah, this is where I started meeting The. The cast of characters are in the. In the book. That, again, that we had to change
- [09:27]
A
the names, but you do such a great job of creating these characters with very few words. You know, it. It's not like this wordy prose. You get straight to the point and, you know, you move pretty quickly. But this book is such a page turner. Like, I. I really couldn't put it down because I wanted to know what happened from. From one moment to the next. And, like, you know, how you made the bad decisions that led you there. And it's like, from stealing the jar of pennies and using the wire cutter to breaking into your ex girlfriend's house and. And her Navy pistol team dad has you pinned under his Porsche. And. And that's when you got in real trouble.
- [10:09]
B
Yeah, So I had already been at that point. I had already done a year in county jail, went to fire camp and all that stuff.
- [10:17]
A
Which, by the way, in Southern California, I. I cannot imagine those conditions like, that has to be a nightmare. You don't even know what's coming for you at. At gladiator school. But just describe a little bit for people who don't know what county jail in Southern California is. Like.
- [10:35]
B
It is a dog kennel for humans. That would be the best way to describe it, because it's. It was overcrowded back then. And we're. Again, we're talking about the late 80s, very early 90s, during this time. And we were. I was in sometimes a cell, but most of the time it was just a. A cage where there's 30, 40 of us on bunks. Sometimes we just had a mattress and we were sleeping on the floor. And you're sleeping with one eye open. It's loud all the time when you're. I was in the downtown jail. It was just noisy all the time. Then I was in Las Las Colinas, which was. I mean, it was like a dog kennel. You know, it was temporary, basically mobile homes surrounded by fences, surrounded by armed guards. And it did look like a dog kennel. And that was. That was the female jail, but they. They were running out of room, so they just built this temporary one in and for the Laskas Colinas facility and fights all the time. I got actually in the most fights in county jail. It was the worst. Absolutely the worst.
- [11:47]
A
Was that just to protect yourself, or were you particularly violent and aggressive at that time?
- [11:52]
B
Protect myself. I tried to. I really tried to mind my own business. I took that to heart. I had some really sage advice, like, you know, I'll be cool on that. Do not mess with drugs, which there are plenty of. Do not gamble. Do not mess.
- [12:11]
A
That was. That was. Yeah. So when Gerald gave you his, like, 11 steps.
- [12:15]
B
Yes.
- [12:16]
A
And. And he was one of your cellmates at El Cajon, right?
- [12:20]
B
Yep.
- [12:20]
A
So when he gave me one of those and gambling was on there, like, that never even occurred to me. All the other stuff, like, you know, don't pick a fight, but don't back down from a fight. Like, don't eyeball people, never go to the yard. But the gambling was surprising to me.
- [12:37]
B
Yeah, lots of gambling that can get in a. And get you in a lot of trouble. I mean, I guess it doesn't surprise anybody. The drugs get in, you know, pretty easily, and that's because of corrupt guards and visiting and all that other stuff. But, yeah, people gamble all the time in there, and they gamble, you know, cigarettes you know, there's. There's money, what's called money on your books, you know, so you have money where you can go to the store and you can order stuff, you know, like cigarettes. We could smoke back then. Thank God they can't smoke now. I can't imagine what it's like without smoking.
- [13:07]
A
I mean, it's like you have a bunch of millennials in there. So are they vaping?
- [13:11]
B
Well, maybe now. I don't know if you can vape. Maybe not. I know they can't smoke now. I'm surprised they didn't riot.
- [13:21]
A
Yeah, they must have some nicotine delivery device. So you're in El Cajon. You're waiting to get sentenced and get sent somewhere longer term, and then you find out finally where you're going in for how long, and. And tell people what that was.
- [13:42]
B
Yeah, so when I. Yeah, so after I got pinned down under the Porsche, right by the by, breaking into the ex girlfriend's house.
- [13:52]
A
Yeah, you're like, you're like, I'm making meth, I'm selling meth. I want to keep my money. I'm paranoid all the time. Hey, I need a gun. I know my ex girlfriend's dad has a bunch of guns. I. I'll just take one of those.
- [14:06]
B
Yeah, that. That was my great logical thinking, and thank you for bringing that up, was at the time I got arrested, I had plenty of money and plenty of drugs. There was no reason for me to go do anything stupid. So of course I'm going to do the dumbest thing possible and try to get a gun. I ended up getting one pointed in my face to where I could see the bullets in the chamber. And a cop saved my life. So then I get sentenced, right? So I get sentenced to. Because I had already had a priority, I have to go to prison now. So it's not just county jail, which is considered, still considered, not as bad as prison, but because I had one felony I had to go do. It was a four year sentence that you're going to do half time on it for good behavior. Right. But you don't know. I didn't know that at the time. I ended up going to Donovan receiving facility for four months, got lost in the system there, and then ended up going to Folsom Prison. And not. And there's two. There's old Folsom and New Folsom, and I went to old Folsom, Johnny Cash Folsom, where they just finished filming American Me, like really close to right before I arrived. So the, the talk was still on the yard. And it was. It was hell. It was the worst place I've ever seen. And I wouldn't recommend it for anybody. 0 out of 10.
- [15:24]
A
Yeah. So. And. And your writing definitely shifts when you get to Folsom because, you know, and this is when Gerald gives you the rules. Like, this is how you're going to survive.
- [15:33]
B
Yeah.
- [15:34]
A
And they're very intense rules. And then.
- [15:37]
B
And sorry, Gerald is like a conglomeration of a couple of people just want to point that out. Like, we had to. And one of the reasons we did that is because I'm pretty sure he's still around. And I didn't want to get anybody in trouble. But, yeah, this is where I get my list of. Because I walked in there, Kennedy, I had this, like, beautiful, long blonde hair.
- [16:01]
A
Goldilocks.
- [16:02]
B
Yeah, Goldilocks. And when I first get into receiving, the first words I hear, hey, Goldilocks, you want my sack lunch? You know, it's like, oh, no, I need to cut my hair immediately. But yes, I got the list of don't gamble, don't do drugs, don't mess with the Alphabet crowd, and don't, you know, there's a lot. Mind your own business mind. Which I did. Which I did. And again, the only time I ever got in fights was in county when somebody stole my shower shoes. And there's times you have to fight. You can avoid all the trouble you want, but if it comes to you, you have to fight. Because if you don't, then you become a complete
- [16:46]
A
1,000 episodes later. And I'm still here trying to save the world. Please join me for my 1k soiree, and it's happening March 5th at the beautiful Langen's right here in midtown Manhattan. See you then. This is Ainsley Earhart. Thank you for joining me for the 52 episode podcast series the Life of Jesus.
- [17:05]
B
A listening experience that will provide hope, comfort, and understanding of the greatest story ever told. Listen and follow now@foxnewspodcasts.com or wherever you listen to podcasts.
- [17:14]
A
What prison movie is the most realistic that you watch that was most like your actual experience?
- [17:21]
B
Experience, Wow. I try to avoid them. I was wondering that I would say American me. American me is one. I went back. Oz is. Oz is complete fiction. I did watch Oz, and it's really trumped up. Prison's mostly boring. It's mostly really boring. And, you know, boring moments, long boring moments somewhat separated with complete terror. And I. And I saw my share of riots and stuff, but I. I never went to the yard very much. That was another place I was told to just avoid the yard.
- [17:56]
A
Yeah. I was like, don't go to the yard. Don't go to the gym. Bad things happen there. And you're like, oh, it seems like it'd be nice to be outside. Get a little vitamin A. Yeah, that.
- [18:05]
B
And. And, man, you need it. But that. That did not happen. I stayed and read a lot of books. Like, a lot of books.
- [18:11]
A
So tell us about Kyle. So you have this blind cellmate. It's just the two of you. He finds out that you're only going to be in Folsom for a couple years, and finally you cut your hair. You had little glasses, so the nickname shifted from Goldilocks to John Lennon. And you're like, well, that's better than Goldilocks.
- [18:30]
B
Yes.
- [18:31]
A
So you meet Kyle, who's this blind, short, fat guy who killed two people your age, then sat next to them and. And ate their lunch before he was caught.
- [18:42]
B
That was my cellmate. That was the reality I was facing. And to preface this a little bit, Folsom, Old Folsom was a level four
- [18:50]
A
prison, which now explain that to people, because I didn't know about the. The level system in prison. So you were level two.
- [18:59]
B
I was a level two.
- [19:00]
A
And explain what that is. And. And the people who were at old Folsom.
- [19:04]
B
So level. I mean, the levels are basically on what your crime was. And my crime was still considered somewhat a violent crime because I broke into a house that was occupied, but it's not to the level of assault, rape, murder. And that's what basically a level four is. So it's a tiered system. And then they populate the prisons based on the tiered system. So they put the real dangerous people, like, together in one. What they were doing was they were moving prisoners from Folsom Prison, which was a. A Level 4, to Pelican Bay at the time. So we're in the middle of a transfer. And they weren't supposed to do this. I don't know if there was lawsuits or whatever, but they mixed in a bunch of lower, you know, who should have been in minimum security. What they do is they. They'll put you in the maximum for a little while, and then they'll farm you out to a minimum security. If, you know, I think they just have to process you through the system. So they put a bunch of minimum security people in with maximum security people. And we had level twos in with level four. So I was. And this is why you don't do This, I was a guy who was going to get out in a couple years sitting with a guy who was never gonna, well, see the light of day. And, and it, it creates a bit of a resentment and they don't like you very much. And through the process of being with a psycho, I found out what he was in for. And to make a long story short, he, he was, he was messing with me psychologically a lot.
- [20:38]
A
Yeah, he would be nice to you and then he would be extremely abusive and he would not hide the fact that he, he didn't mind if you died. And you know, for someone who's already in prison for life, like, yes, he's gonna have to go to the hole for a while if he kills you, but it's, it's really not going to affect his life that much now, now.
- [20:59]
B
And he'd be rid of me. But so, you know, he started going through my, my letters and wanted to, you know, like sacred.
- [21:08]
A
I mean, they have very few personal effects in prison.
- [21:13]
B
Very few. Especially at the maximum security. So I have letters from a couple of girls and my mom, lots of letters from my mom. So he likes my mom's handwriting and he wants to write my mom. And this is after just the, the constant psychological BS I was going through and I snapped. I completely snapped and caved the dude's face in a little bit.
- [21:38]
A
And this is after he, he wanted to make you his.
- [21:41]
B
Yes, yes. He was constantly pushing for that. And this is how ultimately I didn't become anybody's because you have to prove yourself. And I clocked this guy's face in with. I don't know, I can't remember if the brand was Walkman or not, but we'll just say Walkman.
- [21:59]
A
But a tape recorder. So you. So your parents had sent you enough money and you had been well behaved, so eventually you were able to buy yourself a tape recorder and you had cassettes and you would play music. Kyle had no cassettes. Because Kyle did not have great behavior and probably no caring parents to send him nice things. And, and he went too far and he was shaking your legs and you said you got this ringing in your ears. What do you think that was?
- [22:29]
B
That was who. I still don't know to this day. I think that was just cold fury and being and done with it and probably a lot of anxiety building up. Right. And I, I took him out. I beat the. Out of him.
- [22:45]
A
I mean, he was passed out cold and bleeding.
- [22:47]
B
Yes, and bleeding. And I thought, like, that's it. I'm going to the hall. Like, that's. That's it. And somehow, magically, I didn't. And I was very concerned with if people thought I was going to be a rat of some kind, although it was just between us two, so there wouldn't have been that situation. But usually when somebody doesn't go to the hole, it's looked at very suspect. And that is your biggest concern in prisons. You don't. You don't rat. You do. No matter what you see, you do not rat.
- [23:19]
A
And you actually helped him because he had a starter batch of pruno.
- [23:23]
B
Yes.
- [23:23]
A
Which is like prison wine in a garbage bag under his bunk. And you saw the search team coming, so you had two minutes to decide what to do with the pruno. Because you would be in just as much trouble as Kyle if they found the pruno.
- [23:37]
B
Correct. And yes, the pruno was in bags. And if you don't know what pruno is, it's like prison wine. They ferment oranges with yeast and get you pretty drunk, I guess. And, yeah, I dumped it. And he was pissed. He was pissed about it. Although I saved our ass. And we would have both gone to the hole for that one, but he was. He was mad about it, and I was supposedly. I would have to recoup that somehow, although I was saved. So this is the bull that was just constant. And it's bad enough that you're in prison, right? I'm in prison, and now I have to deal with all this bull. And it was. It was horrible. It was horrible. So not sorry I did what I did and came out okay from. It actually didn't get messed with at all. And then we event. I eventually ended up in a minimum security facility where it was much.
- [24:26]
A
But before you went to minimum security, you met little Pepper. L D D L E Pepper. And he was very instructive. And, you know, he kind of helped you focus your goals and. And how you would visualize your life and, you know, how did little Pepper enter into your salvation?
- [24:47]
B
He is pretty much one of the people responsible for. For guiding me to recovery because I wasn't going to the yard or exercising, so I needed to do something, and church wasn't really going to be it for me. They had AA meetings in there, and I just started going. And in the back of my head, I knew that I don't ever want to come back to this place. Like, this is like, the rehabilitation is working on me. Kennedy. I mean, it's. It's. Well, I don't know. The recidivism. Right. Now, but it's pretty high, right. And I was never, if I was going to survive, I was going to never come back. So I, through him, I eventually started going to meetings, and not just going to meetings, paying attention, like, what they were not just to go, to go and to get out of the cell. And it really was instructive. And that's where the journey started, was with him.
- [25:41]
A
And the two things that struck you that you really internalized were this too shall pass.
- [25:49]
B
Yes.
- [25:49]
A
And how have you turned that? Like, do you still use that mantra in your life? Do you, do you pass that on to other people? How does that work with you?
- [26:01]
B
Yeah, I, I, I. It sounds kind of, like, cheesy and on the nose, but it really does help. And I've passed it on to others because, you know, through the book, I talk about, like, gratitude, right? Like gratitude. Like, really discovering what gratitude is has helped me move on with life and helped me get into a mindset of no matter what is going on right now, good or bad, things are going to change. And I know that sounds. Well, yeah, that's, that's life, but it's the attitude towards it. So much. So much of my anxiety was caught up in being caught up on the thing or the fact that I couldn't. The reason I kept doing drugs most of the time was because I had to keep getting high because I couldn't face reality. But I was also worried about getting drugs and the anxiety. And it was just this horrible, horrible cycle that thankfully being arrested broke me of. And I started to get sober and started to think about this. So now past prison, you know, I just use it as a grading curve. Kennedy. I just, like, no matter what I'm going through right now, and I've been through some hard times since then. Well, it's not as bad as prison, and I have, and I survived that. And if I can survive being on the streets, if I can survive prison, I can survive a divorce or, you know, unfortunately, you can get past a death in the family and, you know, you just, it, it's, it helps you. It helps create a mindset. And later, I don't want to get too far ahead. But what's really helped me, like, with the this Too shall pass, is the gratitude list that my sponsor forced me to write for 90 days straight.
- [27:45]
A
Is your sponsor still Ball Sack?
- [27:47]
B
My sponsor is no longer Ball Sack.
- [27:49]
A
Okay.
- [27:50]
B
Sorry. But yeah, Ball Sack is great, though. Ball Sack is great. Yeah.
- [27:54]
A
Ball Sack and Don Juan. Like, I was happy to meet them when you were on Cloud Nine when you were you finally released from minimum security and your parents took you to Denny's and that. Do you still revisit that moment where you cried over the Grand Slam with the realization for the first time in your life that you had free will and you could make a decision, your own decision, every single day and how profound that was? Do you still revisit that?
- [28:19]
B
I do. I wish I could bottle it Kennedy up and like share it with everybody because it was the first day I really truly understood what like freedom and liberty were something I completely took for granted. Never, never thought about it until the day I got out of prison. My parents picked me up and went to Denny's. I had the greatest meal of my life. And that, that week was wonderful. Every I. I wanted for nothing. I didn't need money, I didn't need stuff. I would, I could go out and a walk whenever I wanted. You know, I'd go, go ride a bike at the beach and I hate. I grew up in San Diego. I hated the beach, which makes no
- [28:59]
A
sense, but, but then all of a sudden you go to the beach out of prison and you're like, there's a lot of hot beach girls here.
- [29:05]
B
There. Yeah, San Diego is great. San Diego is great. Was, was great. And yeah, it was such a great feeling. Of course it subsided, but I remember that all the time. And I hold on to that day because taught it was the first time in my life I could stay in the here and now, which is an important mantra and recovery is staying in the here and now and not future tripping or worrying, you know, like staying in the moment. Because a lot of this, a lot of recovery is, is, is hard and it's, it's trudging through like not just one day at a time, it's one minute at a time, one second at a time. And I was so happy back then. And, and, and it also, you know, put in my mind that maybe I can actually do this. Like maybe I don't have to live this freaking shitty life anymore and I can, you know, maybe amount to something. Am I. My expectations were much lower, which made life easier. It's like I don't have to, you know, I wasn't out going, I need to make a six figure salary or anything. I was just like, I need a job. I'll take any job. I'm good with it.
- [30:15]
A
How old were you at that point?
- [30:16]
B
22.
- [30:17]
A
Oh, wow, you're still a baby at that point.
- [30:20]
B
Yeah, I was a little puppy and a, a good friend of Mine got me a job at the Warehouse Records, you know, and, you know, and I was, you know, I was always watching mtv. I was always reading comic books, listening to music. Throughout all this, that was my escape, was reading Lord of the Rings, Batman, Dark Knight Returns, over and over again. Frank Miller, Frank Miller rules. You know what's funny is it, like, certain cassettes weren't allowed in, in prison because of the title, right? So they'd let Megadeth in, but they wouldn't let me have my porno for pyros because of the name of the band.
- [31:00]
A
Pornography is not allowed in prison by Go. You will not make great pets. So when. At what point did you start to feel like great things are happening? And you're like, I, Gary Buechler, deserve this?
- [31:20]
B
Who deserve it?
- [31:23]
A
Because there's a big difference, obviously, between free will, gratitude, mindfulness, and actually, you know, giving yourself credit that you deserve the good things that are happening to you. That can be a tough one.
- [31:37]
B
That took a while, and I think it was. I mean, there's a couple of moments I could pinpoint, but I think the moment I. I can move on and feel like I deserve this is when I forgave my abuser, which was really hard. I. I, like said earlier, I fantasized about killing that guy in the. A thousand different ways.
- [32:05]
A
I did, too. Just reading your book.
- [32:06]
B
Yep. So when I had to eventually, because, you know, it wasn't the first time I was told that. It's like, you. You have to forgive him. I'm. No, I'm not gonna forgive. I'm sorry for my language. But I, I. When I. When I had to do that, it was so freeing. Like, I didn't realize, like, I was holding on to that, you know. You know, resentment is like, you know, taking poison and expecting somebody else to get sick. We were so far past it. The only thing that, I mean, still bothers me to this day is, like, he was probably allowed to go on and. And do it to other kids, but. But for me to move on, I had to forgive him and truly forgive him, not just say it. And then I found out, like, it was like, shackles coming off. It was complete, complete freedom. And that's when I felt like, you know, maybe I do deserve happiness because I. For a long time, I. Even sober, I didn't feel like I deserved it.
- [33:02]
A
Do you know?
- [33:04]
B
Yeah. Yeah, I've worked real hard at it. And I have family now who loves me for some reason, love my kids. And while recovery is always the first thing that's that has to come before wife, kids, job, everything else, because nothing else happens without it. They saved me, and I live for them. And I. This is a life I never thought I would have. I never was somebody who, like, kids are dumb. I don't want to have kids. They keep you down. No, they're. They're. It's like I didn't even realize that you can't live life to the fullest unless you have children. They're not for everybody. I'm not saying the better or worse, but, yes, I do. And I think it's rewarding that my kids love me and I love them and I have this, like, pretty simple at home family life that I never knew I wanted, but it was the thing I needed.
- [34:02]
A
That is so awesome. And you know, Melissa's storyline throughout your book is so fantastic, and I cannot like waiting for Nerd Roddick.
- [34:14]
B
You.
- [34:14]
A
You have to get this book. This is an amazing spring read, and spring is right around the corner, and it's a. It's a wonderful Easter St Patrick's Cinco de Mayo gift if you're looking ahead to Maine. Like, I. I cannot recommend this highly enough for people like, you don't have to be a Gen Xer to really love it, but it made so many of the references. I. I appreciated them and connected with them so deeply. Just how we were raised, how we went to school. You were, you were every guy who was in the alternative program drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes in high school that I hung out with in the smoking section. And the fact that you made it through. Through with this story, because I knew there was some addiction, I knew there was some recovery. I had no idea the. The depths of your story. And I'm. I'm so happy to have read your book.
- [35:11]
B
Gary, it is an honor that you read my book. I consider you a bit of a queen of Gen X. So, yeah, this is. This is a surreal moment for me. This is awesome.
- [35:23]
A
Well, if you make it back to New York, come to the studio and. And we'll chat in person. I would love that.
- [35:29]
B
I. I would love that, too.
- [35:30]
A
Okay. Gary Buechler waiting for Nerd Roddick. Get yours today. Thanks.
- [35:36]
B
Thank you.
- [35:37]
A
This has been Kennedy Saves the World along with Gary. Wait, he's that way along with Gary. I'm Kennedy. Listen ad free with the Fox News podcast, plus subscription on Apple podcasts and Amazon prime. Members can listen to this show ad free on the Amazon music app. Oh, go ahead and leave me a review while you're there. I'd love to hear what you have to say. You've been listening to Kennedy Saves the World on the Fox News podcast network.