#766 - SAM TALLENT

Summary

Kill Tony #766 - Sam Talent

Podcast Date: May 5, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Special Guest: Sam Talent
Bandleader: Carlos Sosa (Birthday)

Episode Overview

This episode is a classic Kill Tony with the signature live, chaotic energy of the Comedy Mothership in Austin. The main theme centers around the unpredictable journey of stand-up hopefuls, with the promotion of rising talents, and the unique, boisterous chemistry between Tony, the band, and this week’s top-tier guest, Sam Talent. The night is marked by memorable moments: comedic riffs on drugs, weight loss challenges, relentless roast battles, confessions from the lives of comics, and the elevation of Pat O'Neill from golden ticket winner to Kill Tony regular.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

1. Opening Banter & Introductions

• Tony and Redban introduce a lively episode, plugging tours, sponsor reads, and the birthday of saxophonist/band leader Carlos Sosa.
• [06:04] Sam Talent plugs his upcoming novel "Brute" (out September 22) and riffs on competing with "dead eyed ghouls" Mr. Beast and James Patterson.
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 06:10): "Two dead eyed ghouls and me. So, yeah, get the book, please. It's an erotic thriller about a hitman in Paris doing one last job."

---

2. David Jolly’s Set & Crackhead Comedy

• [09:10] David Jolly opens with a riff on streaming and the humor of crackhead livestreams.
• [10:54-16:38] Extended roast and discussion on crack vs. meth, teeth, and drug culture. Tony, Sam, and Redban each share their own brushes with crack/cocaine (“I lost the weight,” Sam jokes about himself).
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 15:34): "Yeah, of course. How do you like, I lost the weight. No, I. I've smoked crack, though."

Memorable moment:
Tony roasts David for attending a show post-mouth surgery, creating a prolonged comedic back-and-forth about new teeth and stand-up desperation.

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3. Open Mic Bucket Pulls: Stand-up & Interviews

David Edwards

• [17:46] Jokes about looking like the unwanted love child of Uncle Laser and Ellen DeGeneres.
• Banter on starting comedy in Utah, fiber optic work, and raising baby raccoons.
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 22:12): "You came out, you have confidence, you're doing good in the interview. You're doing the funny faces, you have timing, your jokes are gonna catch up..."

Candace August: Weight Loss Challenge

• [29:32] Jokes about being the only Black person in her husband's family and misinformation about Juneteenth.
• [31:46]–[43:15]: Talks about pregnancy, online criticism, and launches into a weight loss challenge segment where she weighs in on stage. Tony and Sam set comedic and real stakes: lose 25 lbs in six months for a spot on the show; get under 200 lbs for an arena set at Moody Center.
  • Quote (Tony, 41:41): "So, Candice, let's have some fun with this. You're 239 today. You're coming back in six months. I think we set it at 215."

Seabass Matar: Miami to Austin to Miami

• [43:49] Set revolves around gratitude and a tattoo in memory of his father’s heart transplant, mixed with masturbation jokes.
• Tells stories about being a hype man for the Miami Dolphins and his job as a game show host.
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 45:28): "Surprisingly enough, this tattoo on your right hand, I had the exact same premise early on in comedy..."

Austin Ingles: Ex-prison Guard Tales

• [53:05] Opens with “old fashioned” Midwest family and working in a prison. Dark humor about coworkers and child pornography.
• Describes differences in women, being a bouncer, and awkward Tinder hookups.
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 58:49): "I'm gonna put you on some game, young blood."

Pat O’Neill: PROMOTED TO REGULAR

• [61:31] Delivers a powerhouse minute with back-to-back edgy, crafted punchlines about trans kids, midgets, and school shootings.
  • Quote (Tony, 63:27): "Above and beyond. Me too. I forgot how good it can be. That is like, not only the set of the night so far, but... that's like some of the best material I’ve heard, period, in a long time.”
• [65:05] Tony promotes Pat live to Kill Tony regular — a first in the show's history.

Akshay Bimbic: Drum-off & Band Life

• [66:39] Psychedelic, surreal jokes about Santa Claus trauma.
• Reveals background: ex–Wall Street banker, drummer in a psych band, living off savings. Participates in a live "Indian Black White Drum Off" (with Sam Talent and Justin Heights)—a signature Kill Tony chaotic segment.
  • Quote (Tony, 73:12): “You get to live your dreams. You get to play music. You get to do comedy, wear cool outfits.”

Joe Jacks: Dating & Improvising with Heidi

• [77:10] Gump riff: What if Forrest Gump was in racist situations.
• Discussion of blue-collar job hanging blinds, his romantic "pussy getting era", and a hilarious on-stage flirt-off with Heidi.
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 81:11): "Go to a bowling alley with a hundred dollars... have a little rhythm."
  • Quote (Heidi, 82:14): "You can hang my curtains any day."
  • Tony sums it up: “He’s really coming out of his shell.”

---

4. Late Night Highs: First-Timers, Oddballs, and Authenticity

Aaron McPherson: Country Life & Chicken Hustling

• [86:20] Stand-up about loving "disgusting bitches", being a gigolo, and odd hookups for cash.
• Reveals real side hustles: selling grilled chicken and ribs out of the back of bars. ("I make the best motherfucking barbecue chicken in all of Austin, Texas.")
• Comedic riff on the "white vs. black" barbecue sauce debate, and Famous Dave’s vs. Sweet Baby Ray’s.

Paul M: One Month In—With Plagiarized Jokes?

• [96:06] Jokes about women and sandwiches, black people and lice, Napa as "No African People Allowed"—but Sam spots hacky/old material, calling out the repetition.
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 97:34): "I've heard all those jokes before."

Sammy Smith: Vagabond Comic

• [100:04] “If you’re making good financial decisions in 2026, man, you a… [pause for punchline].”
• Shares a globe-trotting backstory: Malaysia → England → Atlanta → Trinidad → England → South Carolina → Florida → Austin; lived in his car, worked at the airport, hustling and full of optimism.
  • Quote (Sam Talent, 102:52): "My sister's name is Sophie and my name's Sam."
  • Quote (Tony, 104:12): "What? These people say anything nowadays and not get. This is..."

Caleb Andrews: The Surprise Banker

• [110:52] First-timer banker from Fulton, Mississippi, with a tight, smart set about denying truck loan applicants, bachelor parties and marriage, and Southern small-town life.
  • Quote (Tony, 111:58): "Smart, well executed. Caleb Andrews. Surprisingly good inside bucket pull."
• Reveals theatre experience (played Donkey in “Shrek"), wild small-town dog stories, and introduces wife Michaela for a very Kill Tony personal moment.

Michaela: The Secret Butthole Revelation

• [123:38] Michaela reveals: "I was born early and my butthole was not fully developed."
  • Uproarious, purely “Kill Tony” moment as the room explodes in genuine, appalled laughter.

---

5. Headliner Close: Dedrick Flynn

• [126:34] Dedrick delivers a set about how single men are gross, the power of women’s health products, and discovering the miracle of bath bombs.
  • Quote (Dedrick, 129:54): "I don't ever want to be single again, Nigga. I hate being dry. That's my time. I love y'."
• Banter about his Springfield and upcoming Minneapolis shows, casino misadventures, and a would-be cartoon deal with Adult Swim.

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6. Historic Moment: Pat O’Neill Promoted

• [65:03] Tony promotes Pat O’Neill from "golden ticket" winner to a full time regular—never done before on the show:
  • Quote (Tony, 65:03): “Right now, if you want it, you can have it. You’re the first person ever, I do believe, elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full time regular.”

---

Notable Quotes

• Sam Talent, 06:10: "Two dead eyed ghouls and me. So, yeah, get the book, please."
• Tony Hinchcliffe, 63:27: "Above and beyond. Me too. I forgot how good it can be. That is like, not only the set of the night so far, but... that's like some of the best material I’ve heard, period, in a long time.”
• Tony Hinchcliffe, 65:03: “You’re the first person ever, I do believe, elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full time regular.”
• Heidi, 82:14: "You can hang my curtains any day."
• Michaela, 123:38: [on her butthole as a child] "I was born early, and my butthole was not fully developed."

---

Timestamps by Key Segments

• 06:04 – Sam Talent intros and plugs ("Brute")
• 09:10 – David Jolly’s “crackhead stream” bit, drug discussion
• 17:46 – David Edwards: young, weird energy, fiber optics, raccoons
• 29:32 – Candace August: race, Juneteenth, weight loss challenge begins
• 43:49 – Seabass Matar: gratitude, tattoo, Miami tales
• 53:05 – Austin Ingles: prison jokes, Latina women escapades
• 61:31 – Pat O’Neill: career-defining set; promotion to Kill Tony regular
• 66:39 – Akshay Bimbic: psychedelic Santa, live drum-off
• 77:10 – Joe Jacks: Forrest Gump race bit, awkward flirting with Heidi
• 86:20 – Aaron McPherson: big women, hustle chicken sales, food comedy
• 96:06 – Paul M: questionable material, dog kennel backstory
• 100:04 – Sammy Smith: international upbringing, car-living, smoothie shop
• 110:52 – Caleb Andrews: first-timer, banker material, butthole bombshell
• 126:34 – Dedrick Flynn: single men vs. women, body products, bath bombs

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Guest Impact & Running Gags

• Sam Talent: Blends grafter's honesty and wit; jokes about his past weight loss, a running thread through the episode. He encourages, critiques, and riffs musically.
• Heidi: As the show’s comic "straight woman", Heidi's flirt segment with Joe Jacks is a comic peak.
• Weight loss challenge: Expands on Kill Tony’s tradition of betting on comics’ self-improvement.
• Promotion of Pat O’Neill: Major, live, career-changing moment that will resonate through future episodes.

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Episode Tone

• Raucous, rowdy, supportive of risk-taking yet merciless on hackiness or unoriginality (“no joke thieves!”).
• Genuine, often harsh but fair: From deeply personal backstories to public weigh-ins and on-stage vulnerability (as with Michaela’s story).
• Unapologetically irreverent, with room for both crude roast humor and real emotional moments.

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Takeaways for Listeners

• The journey is just as important as the minute: Whether it’s your tenth mic or a first-timer banker, Kill Tony proves every comic gets a shot and a moment in the spotlight.
• Comedic risk—whether personal confession, wild premise, or relentless joke density—gets recognized.
• The show’s sense of community is both punishing and loving: rewards are given, and so are brutal, memorable lessons on originality, hustle, and resilience.

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Closing

With standout performances, live promotions, and raw, sometimes absurd moments, Kill Tony #766 solidifies itself as an unforgettable entry in the series. From Sam Talent’s comedic mastery and “Brute” plug to elevating Pat O’Neill, and the wild life journeys shared on stage, this is a must-listen for both fans of comedy and those interested in the real, unpredictable world behind the laughs.

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Key moments to check:

• [15:34] Sam Talent’s crack story
• [41:41] Candace’s weight loss bet
• [61:31] Pat O’Neill’s set
• [65:03] Pat promoted to regular
• [66:39, 70:29] Drum-off
• [110:52] Caleb Andrews’ surprising first-timer set
• [123:38] Michaela’s “butthole” revelation
• [126:34] Dedrick Flynn’s closing set

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Stay tuned for more, and don’t miss Sam Talent’s "Brute" (pre-order NOW) or the next historic step for Pat O’Neill—now a Kill Tony regular!

Transcript

[Redban]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Shop Squad tv.

[Redban]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, this is Redmond coming to you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Get it for Tony Hitchcock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best night of their life, huh? Big one for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah. And how about one more time for the best Sam Band in all the land. Everybody playing for you live here in the live music capital of the world, Austin in Texas. That's Carlos Sosa on the saxophone. It's his birthday, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo. Normally it's Nachos Belgrande, but tonight, tonight I think it's Tres leches over there. How about a hand for Justin Heights sitting in tonight? On the drums we have the great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed deep madness. Live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen, this episode's brought to you by Netflix. The Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Some of your favorite roasters and human beings and just overall great people are going to be on that. So you're going to want to watch that because, yeah. May 10 live on Netflix following the Roast of Tom Brady. Fun fact about the Roast of Tom Brady, the most watched comedy event of the past decade. So we'll see where Kevin Hart will lands and everything should be fun. Should be fun. I specialize in making fun of small black people. So this could be good. This could be good. Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Surf Shark. With the help of AI scammers are getting smarter every day. They're sending emails that look legit but are designed to steal your data, passwords and money. If you want to stay protected, you gotta check out Surf Shark. It's way more than your good old vpn. It's an all in one online security tool. They have a ton of advanced features and one in particular is called Email Scam Checker. This thing notifies you if an email you received is a scam or phishing attempt. So instead of guessing whether that bank's email is real, you can check it before you click it.

[Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Redban]

You said this place was steps from the water.

[Heidi]

We just haven't found the steps yet.

[Sam Talent]

How much did we save?

[David Jolly]

Enough.

[David Edwards]

Enough to get lost.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room just steps from the water.

[Heidi]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Heidi]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and here we go. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight because that's all we need because he's one of the greatest guests in the show's history. How many of you are real die hard Kill Tony fans, huh? Well, then you're in for a special treat. One of the absolute best, one of the smartest, one of the funniest. Make some noise for one of my favorite human beings and comedians. It's the great Sam. Talent, everybody. Here we go. The Man. The Man. You've seen him on all your favorite episode. The best. The absolute best. Same talent is the man, and he's coming to Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, a bunch of places punched up live.comsamtalent that's with two L's and his new novel Brute comes out September 22nd.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, pre order that, please. I'm competing with Mr. Beast and James Patterson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, that is tough.

[Sam Talent]

Two dead eyed ghouls and me. So, yeah, get the book, please. It's an erotic thriller about a hitman in Paris doing one last job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, I like that. It's called True B R U T. Pre order it now. It's available September 22nd. My friend Sam Talent, you are fantastic.

[Sam Talent]

Feeling good. I wore a shirt that people online will say fits, I hope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, good.

[Sam Talent]

Last time I was on here, I was wearing what many described as a tarp or some kind of boat cover. And I have a new hot body. And I want everyone to know that it fits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It fits.

[Sam Talent]

And it's. Look, I know I'm sexually distracting now, but let's focus, please. Tony's the hot one, Red band's the pervert. You know, I'm just here so we can get a nice cake for old

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Carlos over there, buddy. That's right, Carlos, birthday Carlos and his

[Sam Talent]

twin butting off his shoulder there. That's. Yeah, just asexual reproduction at its finest. That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rogan said if you're gonna have horn players, they all have to have a bald head like me. And trust me, the trombone player is well on his way. Yeah, he's like.

[Sam Talent]

And hey, man, we can tell it's a wig.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Sam Talent]

Wait, it was red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was red band. He got you. He got you. Fernando. Oh, wait, that's Fernando. That's Raul. I get them all confused. It's like a. It's like George Foreman's kids over here. You know what I mean? I wish they all had the same name, but they do not. Sometimes I order the wrong thing when I'm at Matall Rancho. It happens.

[Sam Talent]

Carlos, does your twin have the same birthday? Does that count that way or. So you get a birthday. Oh, you don't speak English? I'm sorry. Loento feliz cumpleanos. Kisiera la musica.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As you can tell, Sam Talon is the man. Multiple time guest, always a guest of the year, contender, nominee, always in the mix. And we're doing it again. Sammy, bro.

[Sam Talent]

Glad to be here. This is my favorite thing in show business. Thank you guys for coming here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. If they are, they get 60, 60 seconds on stage. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm Gonna let this dead eyed ketamine addict pull the first name? Go right ahead, sir. Yes, I know we can all tell. Hand that to Red Banner. We're gonna go wrangle that person. Could be anybody. Clearly. And while we wrangle that person, ladies and gentlemen, starting the show is one of our favorite golden T ticket winners ever in the show's history. You know him, you love them. Makes noise for the great David Jolly, everybody.

[David Jolly]

How y' all doing tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

White people in Puerto Rico?

[David Jolly]

Hell yeah, man, life been going good. I've been on the road and shit, you know, but most of my homeboys my age, autumn boys, been going through like a midlife crisis. My homeboy Johnny called me the other day and he was like, hey Dave, I'm about to start streaming. I said streaming, man. I hung the phone up. Don't nobody want to see no old nigga twitch. 5:30am chat. Taking my blood pressure medicine. So I'm pass out at work again. There's only one type of people I want to see stream and that's crackheads. I pay top dollar to watch a crackhead stream. 3:30am Just suck my knife today, dwarf. They doing all kind of crackhead in the camera. I'm about to take this full size washer and dryer nine miles away on a ten speed bicycle. Hell yeah. Thank y', all, that's been a bunch of fun, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

57 seconds on the nose by the great David Jolly. Yeah, fantastic stuff you're talking about.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, yeah. You don't want to see a crackhead stream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm, I'm agreeing with you, my friend. I literally would watch that. And I'm not one to watch streams, but I would watch that.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sometimes I look out of my giant, you know, penthouse condo windows down in the alleyways and I love that. Sometimes I'll grab a Captain Ship, Monica. What? Telescope, monocle, whatever that thing is. And I'm just interested in what's going on down there's a lot.

[David Jolly]

I bet you see some good up there, don't you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Non stop. A lot of people that look like you, but it's not you,

[Sam Talent]

David, it's me. Oh, sorry.

[David Jolly]

Oh,

[Sam Talent]

I've never heard a bit about streaming. Yeah, honestly, have you heard a bit about streaming?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, dude.

[Sam Talent]

Crackhead streaming. Yeah, the crackheads are like, like that's how they, they transport like Vietnamese families, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, you go to like Laos,

[Sam Talent]

it's all bicycles with like, you know, like the washing machine. That's a great bit.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, yeah, Crackhead stronger than a motherfucker. I seen that. For real. I seen a crackhead put a washer and a dryer on a ten speed bicycle.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah.

[David Jolly]

And ride the way he was going with it. It was amazing, man.

[Sam Talent]

And you know what? Meth head's not that strong.

[David Jolly]

Yeah. Nah, man, you gotta do the real kind of drug like crack cocaine. Fuck that homemade shit, you know what I'm saying?

[Sam Talent]

I think this is a cultural thing, David.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

You know? Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

This is white versus black right now.

[David Jolly]

Yeah. That's why, that's why all crackhead is so strong. You know what I mean?

[Sam Talent]

That's why the meth heads, you know, I'll still live with their mom.

[David Jolly]

Yep, exactly. Oh, crackheads live with their mom too. They just live on the other side of the house, you know, they mom

[Sam Talent]

doesn't know that they're in there.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they're in the attic. Yeah, yeah. Now, David, you've smoked crack before?

[David Jolly]

No, I ain't never smoked, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really, man?

[David Jolly]

You Tony. I ain't smok.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I am. I thought, I thought we were gonna have a good in depth interview about crack use. You mean you've never smoked crack?

[David Jolly]

You're a real asshole, Tony, you know that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I could have sworn this was part of his backstory story.

[David Jolly]

Hell no. Look at my teeth. This good. Like crackhead teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are not your teeth, David. I was literally there that night. You can't say that, by the way. Here's a little behind the scenes for you. David had a spot in the other room. I was doing this room one night, just a normal Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday night of standup. And for some reason he didn't take the night off the day that he got full on teeth implants. And I don't know, Sam, if you've ever had the unbelievable pleasure of being in a comedy green room when another comedian walks in the day of. Clearly he needed whatever it is, 75 or 100 bucks or whatever you got paid for that set. You know what? I don't know what it is, doesn't matter. But clearly he could not spare a night off of work because his entire mouth was swollen. He had these. I mean, I. David, instead of me rambling about how long. If you had to guess, did I make fun of you non stop jokes about your teeth. If you had to guess a time

[David Jolly]

length, hey, it was a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, David.

[David Jolly]

Like about an hour. Then I gave him the old classic, you, Tony, and I walked out. You know what I'm saying? It Was some good jokes too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Think about what he just said. An hour, ladies and gentlemen, is 60 Minutes. That's not like each one of my jokes was a minute long. No, no, we're talking about perhaps six to ten jokes per minute for 60 minutes.

[David Jolly]

They won. They won that rapid fire. Now there was some good ones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You was teeth. There's something about. Have you ever seen someone get new teeth the day up?

[David Jolly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, like they were like out. The whole thing was swollen. It was crazy. Yeah, we did.

[Sam Talent]

You have to learn how to talk like a horse with peanut butter in its mouth.

[David Jolly]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was pretty bad.

[David Jolly]

I mean that. That was. Yeah, that was a rough day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But do you remember any of the

[Sam Talent]

good ones he said to you?

[David Jolly]

Nah, they was out when Tony started rambling and go on the hot fire. I just block it out, you know what I mean? I'm used to it now. You got to block it out. Cause he'll keep going. If you act like you ain't paying attention to him, then he'll stop eventually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The whole fans agreeing with you. Like I bully them all the time.

[David Jolly]

You got to know when to just walk the away, you know what I mean? That's what I usually do.

[Sam Talent]

I think your teeth look great.

[David Jolly]

Thank you, Sam. I think you look great. And your shirt is not too big. You look amazing, man.

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[David Jolly]

Hell yeah, man. Little positive energy. How about that, Tony? I know you don't like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you never smoked crack?

[David Jolly]

No, I ain't smoking no crack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could have sworn. I want to go back and re watch the tapes of your first interviews.

[David Jolly]

Hell no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can swear when you had the old teeth, you would admit that.

[David Jolly]

Oh my. I ain't never smoked. You know what crack do to the black community. I would not be up here if I smoke crack. I'd be breaking in people cars or something.

[Sam Talent]

You'd be in Parliament Funkadelic.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, yeah, they smoke crack, but the crack was different. They were free basin. You know something they. They put in a crack. It's the difference between freebase and crack.

[Sam Talent]

That was that cameo. Yeah.

[David Jolly]

You know what I mean? Freebase is like cocaine and whatever, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, all of the these scientists.

[David Jolly]

Because I'm from the hood, motherfucker. That's how they teach you that? Yeah, no, I don't do nothing illegal. I just go on the road and have a good time now. You know, I live a better life. You know, I got health insurance. Wow, that's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's very good for a recovering crackhead.

[David Jolly]

Hey, You, Tony, you're a real piece of Tony, you know that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You crack. You have?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, of course. How do you like? I lost the weight. No, I. I've smoked crack, though.

[Redban]

I've done freebase, I guess. I've never done crack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is going on up here? You mean you two have smoked crack and David's offended that I even asked?

[Sam Talent]

I have smoked crack. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that like?

[Sam Talent]

Awesome?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was.

[Sam Talent]

I was really high for like 12 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about you? How would you describe it?

[Sam Talent]

I didn't like it.

[Redban]

It was very panicky and it smelled like burnt plastic.

[Sam Talent]

Smells bad. Yeah. And now when I smell it in the wild, I know every time actually, it was really bad. I smoked crack and I brought these guys back from the bar where I got the crack and then they stole my laptop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I would imagine those are the types of things that happen.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, that's David. I don't know.

[David Jolly]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's like I never smoke crack. Crack. But I did steal a few laptops.

[David Jolly]

I'm living a pretty good life. And I really don't like that negative energy that's coming from over there. It's a lot of negative energy. And, you know, I'm having a great day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

You know, I've never smoked crack, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[David Jolly]

I did cocaine, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much cocaine have you done in one day?

[David Jolly]

What are you talking about? I used to be a bartender. I remember me and this white girl. She. Her name was what, Christy? She was like 135. Me and her moved.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that her weight or her credit score?

[David Jolly]

135 pounds. She might have been like 115. Actually, she was real little. Like. We were doing cocaine after work one night and we moved a whole two bedroom apartment, just me and her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Cocaine.

[David Jolly]

A hell of a drug.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boy, I swear, David Jolly, you're the man. Way to get tonight's episode solid for us. We love it. America's favorite uncle, David Jolie Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. And now we move to the bucket, everybody. This is obviously where the show, you know, this is the meat and potatoes of it. Anything can happen. It could be the next great talent of the world. It could be a crazy person. It could be somebody that's great, that had a rough night. It could be somebody that stinks, that had a great night, their SEC could suck. Their interview could be great, or vice versa. Anything could happen. Your first bucket pool tonight. Getting 60 seconds uninterrupted. Goes by the name of David Edwards, everyone. Here we go, David Edwards.

[Sam Talent]

Hello.

[David Edwards]

I know I look like I just fucked a pair of balloons. I've also been known to look like a chicken that just got done pecking the ground. Here's what it is, man. No, guys, really. I just wanted to come out here and acknowledge the fact that I am the unwanted love child of Uncle Laser and Ellen DeGeneres. Just the ultimate gay baby, baby. It's been years. They refused to contact me, so I actually moved down here from Utah to get in touch, but I kind of got distracted. Guys, a lot of just amazing Latina women here. To all my Latina women, I am like a baboon under the sheets. Brutal hemorrhoids. Guys, it's. Have you guys ever seen the ring? Specifically the scene where the ghost lady is, like, crawling out of the tv. That's me on the shitter, dude. I am just grunting, sweating like an NFL linebacker.

[David Jolly]

Dude.

[Seabass Matar]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[David Edwards]

It's quite the sight. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Edwards. Keep it going for his barber, who really got most of the laughs tonight. Amazing. David, how are you, buddy?

[David Edwards]

I'm doing great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[David Edwards]

This is my tenth mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your tenth mic ever?

[Sam Talent]

Wow, Mike, calling it a mic is the biggest thing in show business.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Professional I get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Typical Mike. Just millions and millions of people watching.

[Sam Talent]

Like most open mics, you know, attentive crowd, a band behind you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. So, David, how long ago was the first mic?

[David Edwards]

Six months ago, when I moved here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six months ago. What made you want to start comedy six months ago?

[Sam Talent]

Probably the haircut.

[David Edwards]

Yeah, yeah, no, I. Well, in Utah, I fell in love with bisexual women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bisexual women.

[Seabass Matar]

Woman.

[David Edwards]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there's only one. Yeah, yeah.

[David Edwards]

She started to have sex with this blonde guitarist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Guy or girl? Girl.

[Sam Talent]

Girl.

[David Edwards]

So she's just getting finger blasted to the moon right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So wait, so she left you for a female guitarist? Is that what you're saying?

[David Edwards]

We were never together, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just fell in love with her.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I fell?

[David Edwards]

Hard.

[Sam Talent]

From how far away did you fall in love with her?

[David Edwards]

Mandatory hundred foot.

[Sam Talent]

Excellent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

What grade is she in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got this, David.

[David Edwards]

It's my age. My age.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how old are you?

[David Edwards]

I'm 22 now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

22. So you moved from Utah here six months ago?

[David Edwards]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. What were you doing with your life up until that point?

[David Edwards]

Dune Fiber Optic works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Construction. Construction.

[Austin Ingles]

Why?

[Sam Talent]

Because the end of the cable matched your head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing.

[Sam Talent]

What'd they do, put you in a pipe and you, like, scurry it around like a badger?

[David Edwards]

I just fucked a power outlet, dude. I don't know.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how are you surviving in Austin, Texas?

[David Edwards]

I finally got a job, I was in debt. That's why I only have 10 mics.

[Aaron McPherson]

So.

[Sam Talent]

Open mics are so expensive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

It's a big barrier to comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[David Edwards]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have money, it's hard to do. Go ahead.

[David Edwards]

But I finally got a job doing fiber optic works again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You specialize in fiber optics?

[David Edwards]

Sure, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. Amazing.

[Sam Talent]

And did you grow up all of your life in Utah?

[David Edwards]

Yes, sir.

[Sam Talent]

LDS or.

[David Edwards]

No, no, no, no.

[Sam Talent]

All right. No, no, that means Mormon jerks.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, David, you're 22. You're starting now. Did you do you do your hair like that specifically? Only when you go do stand up comedy or.

[David Edwards]

Sir. Yeah, just for tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. So the stuff was working. You got a big laugh coming out and then, you know, you got a good chuckle from Red Ban on the. On the. What is it? Baboon hemorrhoid joke.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, that was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But then it kind of. It kind of. It kind of all went away after that. So do you plan on doing more mics to.

[David Edwards]

Yes, sir. Now that I have a job, I can fix up my jeep.

[Sam Talent]

And what's your job? Human ferret.

[David Edwards]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

I'm gonna say this. You came out, you have confidence, you're doing good in the interview. You're doing the funny faces, you have timing, your jokes are gonna catch up to what you're currently doing and. And it's probably gonna be a lot easier to do more than a minute.

[Redban]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're 22. Thank you. That's how old I was when I started. It's a good age to start at.

[David Edwards]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what else are you into in life? Do you have any hobbies or. You collect things? You seem like the kind of guy that would do like those finger skateboards or something like that.

[David Edwards]

That's my brother, actually.

[Austin Ingles]

Really?

[David Edwards]

He's actually a Yo yo guy too.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, save some pussy. This guy's brother.

[David Edwards]

Yeah. Believe it or not, I have the looks, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you're a handsome kid. You got piercing green eyes. You're just doing a weirdo thing. I get it.

[David Edwards]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So how about you? Your brother's into Yo Yos and finger skateboards. What are you into?

[David Edwards]

Well, I was into like hiking and video games and stuff like that, but since moving out, I've just been jacking it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Sam Talent]

It's illegal in Utah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. What have you been jacking it Too. What are you into? What's. What are your. Some of your wild fantasies? Let's talk about it. You're 22. We don't get to talk about jacking it with a 22 year old very often.

[Sam Talent]

Not enough.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Normally we'd have to have our own island to have these kinds of conversations,

[Sam Talent]

and you wouldn't be 22. I'll tell you what. Yeah, not on our island. We'd have the sweetest young ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you'd be a cougar in our world with that lion mane ears.

[Sam Talent]

You'd be run through and gross.

[David Edwards]

We can still make something happen.

[Sam Talent]

No, we can't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we can.

[Sam Talent]

What? You and us.

[Austin Ingles]

Uh.

[Sam Talent]

Oh. So, yeah, what are your sexual proclivities?

[David Edwards]

Uh, well, I kind of had like a rough come up, so. Step family, Mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Stepmoms. Yeah, you said step family first as though there might be a dad or an uncle in there.

[David Jolly]

Categories.

[Sam Talent]

That's like the Brady Bunch stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what happened to you in your childhood that makes you think that psychologically you're attracted to stepmoms?

[David Edwards]

Oh, well, my mom, she's cool now. She's great. She's killing it. She's like an old man in a rocking chair, man. She's rocking it. All right.

[Sam Talent]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was she doing before?

[David Edwards]

Well, she was like an alcoholic, hard. And just wasn't there a lot when she was there. She was drunk and. Oh, she's cool now, man. She's doing great.

[Sam Talent]

But when she was gone, your new hot stepmom showed up, right?

[David Edwards]

No, my dad was a bigger guy.

[Sam Talent]

So what's wrong with that?

[David Edwards]

Well, no, you're looking good now, man.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, right back at you. Just kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, any other crazy thing we should know about the life of David Edwards? Any fun facts? You ever almost die? You ever save a life? He ever.

[David Edwards]

Well, when I graduated high school, I got four baby raccoons. I just kind of found them. So I raised them up and then I let them free, and now there's like so many raccoons in Utah. Dude, that's all me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Out of absolutely nowhere at an absolute insane time to come out.

[Sam Talent]

Eyes up, eyes up. Thank you, Heidi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that was. That was wild. All right. Okay, here you go. Here's a medium sized joke book.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just getting started. David Edwards, everybody.

[Sam Talent]

David Edwards. Haircuts will take you a long way early in comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I'm against it.

[Sam Talent]

Well, I'm not saying everyone should have cool hair, right? Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, redband. Gross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, doing your hair to be able to do jokes. It's just something that I've kind of always been against. But you know, he's starting out, he's just getting his legs underneath them. He's got hemorrhoids. He'll figure it out. Hey there. This podcast is sponsored by BlueChew. Guys, the future of erectile function is here. Bluechew Gold is changing the way millions of men are having sex in 2026. The new arousal boosting formula combines passion and performance into one tablet that dissolves under your tongue for super fast onset. No more waiting for a pill kick in, no more moments ruined by performance anxiety. Just the results you freaking want when you want them. I'm talking hard boners again and again. Most ED meds only focus on blood flow, but bluechew Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for blood flow with two for mental arousal and connection. So you're not just physically ready, you're actually in the mood. This type of innovation is why Blue Jew Gold is the number one brand in erectile function. The process is simple and all online. Get started [e-mail] and go for the gold. You know who needs a little softy pie?

[Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Redban]

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[Austin Ingles]

Hey.

[Candace August]

I am in an interracial marriage and so I'm the only black person in my husband's family and because of that they always have noy and ass questions for me. One time my sister in law was like, hey Candace, can you please talk to the kids about Juneteenth? That shit pissed me the fuck off because then I had to go look up what Juneteenth was. I had absolutely no idea. I snuck in the bathroom and searched that shit on Google. I was like, oh, this is why I was off work on Monday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Candace August]

Since they always got questions for me, I decided to start making shit up. Just giving us superpowers. They asked me a dumb question, I give them a dumb answer like, hey Candace, do black people like fried chicken? Of course we do. And we can see in the dark. Did you know that? That's my time. Y' all have a good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Candace August, everybody. Hi, Candice. You've been on this show before. Have.

[Candace August]

Hi Tony. Hi, Redman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello. Very funny. Welcome back, Sam. Is this your first time seeing Candace?

[Sam Talent]

I think so. And I got to say, Candace, you came out with like 20 seconds of setup and paid off that Juneteenth joke. And I. It was awesome. That was great.

[Candace August]

Thank you so much.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Candace August]

Sam, it's not our first time meeting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Candace August]

We were on two comedy festivals together. One in Santa Fe and one in Hawaii.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, that Santa Fe one. Can you believe it only lasted one year? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Sam Talent]

It's an industry joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

And that Hawaiian one was also, like, a real. Who cares, Jack off?

[Candace August]

Who the fuck's going to comedy shows? You live in paradise. They don't give a fuck. They just are like. But it was beautiful. It was a beautiful.

[Sam Talent]

You're telling me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome back. Remind us how long you've been doing stand up, Candace.

[Candace August]

Thirteen years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thirteen years. Where at?

[Candace August]

All over. Actually, all over the East Coast. I started in D.C. then I did New Jersey, New York, Then I did Tampa, Florida, and then I moved here. Thank you. There's a couple things I want to clear up. Can I have a moment?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Candace August]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're clearing up things from previous appearances?

[Candace August]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long ago was your last time on the show? About Ballpark.

[Candace August]

No, I remember it was in June, 2025.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Okay.

[Sam Talent]

That's Juneteenth, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, let's do it. Let's make our corrections here. Clear some things up for us, Candice.

[Candace August]

All right, so two. It's only two things. So number one, I got really good feedback. They were like, oh, she was so funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Blah, blah.

[Candace August]

But then no one could find me because no one spells my name right. My name is spelled K, A, N, D, Y, C, E. Last name is August. Like the month. If you're looking for me online, please follow me. So that was number one. Number two, even though they said great things about my comedy, they said horrible things about my appearance, they were so mean. They were just like, she's so fat. Does she have diabetes? I would like to say the last time I was on the show, that was not me being fat. That was me being pregnant. I just had a baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Candace August]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Candace August]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Red band. Red band. You can use that excuse every week. Yeah, I love it. You really just had a baby?

[David Jolly]

Two.

[Candace August]

She's two and a half months old. Okay, thank you.

[Sam Talent]

Do you know whose it is?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh? Red band. You can't just ask people questions like that. That's crazy. Do. What happened to the Mexican dude?

[Candace August]

Hi, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is going on over here? Do you know who the father is?

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that him? Yes, my husband, the drummer. Okay. All right. Perfect.

[Sam Talent]

I can't believe that people online were mean to a black woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were. Yeah. They're mean to everybody. And it's a Roasty show. I wouldn't take it. I wouldn't take it. Two persons.

[Sam Talent]

No, they, they. They say some real wild stuff on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I know.

[Candace August]

But. Yeah, I know that one of the things that you do on the show is when people need to lose weight, you weigh them and then you invite them back with a weight loss challenge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True.

[Candace August]

And I'm ready if you want to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Candace August]

Totally ready.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, you are wearing your jeans backwards tonight.

[David Jolly]

That's the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, the times are tough.

[Candace August]

That's the problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those buttons are holding on, on for dear life. Heidi, can we get a scale out here? Let's see what happens here.

[Candace August]

So what is. What is going to be the challenge? Like, how much do I need and when do you want me to come back?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I'll give you six months.

[Candace August]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And, well, let's see how much you have. And then it's a lot.

[Candace August]

It's a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then we'll set it's post baby weight.

[Candace August]

So understand that.

[Sam Talent]

You're still glowing.

[Candace August]

Thank you. Oh, thank you, Sam. Give it up for Sam. He's such a nice guy. I know you don't remember meeting me, but you were so nice every time.

[Sam Talent]

I actually do remember meeting you because we hung out in that bad restaurant in Santa Fe.

[Candace August]

We did.

[Sam Talent]

And your name is spelled with a Y, which I also remember. Yes.

[Candace August]

And remember you said it's pronounced Yucca and I said it's pronounced Yuka.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. And that's why we're not friends.

[Candace August]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Now I remember. Canned ice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Her name is spelled with a kid. Candace is on the scale. Let's see what we got here. What do you got?

[Candace August]

Two hundred and 39.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

239. Red band says that's what he weighs. There's not a chance in fucking hell Red Band weighs that. Red Band famously lies about anything. He once said that he could suck his own dick. Everybody. Not only is he not flexible, but his dick is not big enough to reach that far.

[Candace August]

I was there. That was at the arena show, and he failed miserably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think you weigh 239 or less?

[Redban]

I weigh 239 this morning with clothes on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how about this? I will bet. I will bet $1 million right now that you come in over 239.

[Candace August]

Let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Sam Talent]

That's what I'm saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I'm saying. Has anybody ever seen a live $1 million bet before?

[Candace August]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anybody want to go live for a quick millie Millie. Million Million for Tony. Tony's going to win. No way. 249. 249. Last episode, 55.

[Redban]

I said 249. Last episode, we found out that the scale's about 10 pounds off. So you actually weigh about 229, probably.

[Candace August]

You think so?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Candace August]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Redban]

Remember last episode?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's. It's been recalibrated. We recalibrated it. You want to get up there, see if you weigh less than 239? I'm a little bit nervous. You didn't shake on the back. So it's not official, but I'm still guaranteeing 245 or higher here.

[Redban]

No, I. I bet 249.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

249. All right. No, in that case, I'm gonna go 252. 252 is my guess. Candace, read it when it pops up there.

[Candace August]

242.8.

[Sam Talent]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still over 239. A fun fact. I would have won the million.

[Sam Talent]

All right, I'm gonna get on this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna go. Oh, my goodness. Sam Talley took his shoes off.

[Sam Talent]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

252. I was waiting for you to turn, Tony. 134.

[Sam Talent]

Come on. 134. What do you got, Tony? 128 pounds.

[Candace August]

150, I think. 166.

[Sam Talent]

Tony, you should have put my shoes on before you waited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

166. You guys all have just at least over 50 or 60 pounds on me. Absolutely.

[Sam Talent]

You remember that boy

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

squish you? That's right. Candice, how's mom life going? Was that your first kid?

[Candace August]

It's my first. My very first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How is it? What have you learned? What surprises you?

[Candace August]

It's.

[Akshay Bimbic]

It's.

[Candace August]

It's a lot. Yeah, it is a lot. But she's perfect. She's perfect. She's half black, half Indian. I gave birth to a little Kamala.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Sam Talent]

That the character from Mortal Kombat.

[Sammy Smith]

New.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He probably already talks better than Kamala.

[Candace August]

She's actually very smart, very alert. You can see, like, she follows things with her eyes. She's only two and a half months. She's great.

[Sam Talent]

What a blessing.

[Candace August]

Yeah. Thank you. I love it. I love her so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the Indian dad is being a good dad.

[Candace August]

He's perfect.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Candace August]

So perfect. Watching her right now so I can come out here and follow my dreams, right? Yeah, he's great. He's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When the Indian dad holds her near his armpit, does she start to cry?

[Candace August]

No. No, Tony, he smells fantastic not being an nailed ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotta get some good Indian dad jokes in there, you know?

[Candace August]

No, he's perfect. He's perfect.

[Sam Talent]

What is he, Cherokee or Choctaw?

[Candace August]

No.

[Sam Talent]

Sometimes you don't know if it's the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

diaper or him that smells.

[Candace August]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red dance. Red dance.

[Candace August]

Absolutely not, y'.

[David Edwards]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's perfect. He's.

[Candace August]

He's wonderful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. And he works with computers and stuff. Yeah, right? Yeah. I mean, they all do.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's like. That's not even racist. That's just a fact. Am I correct or.

[Sam Talent]

They're doctors.

[Candace August]

Well, I mean, he actually has an accounting degree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Candace August]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does he do for work, though?

[Candace August]

He works at a debt consolidation company, helping people get out of debt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On a computer?

[Candace August]

Yeah. Okay. Everything's on a computer, sir.

[Sam Talent]

And did he clear up your debt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I don't know how you met. I assume you know I don't have any.

[Candace August]

Cause I'm with him and he's really good with money. Cause he's an accountant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Hell yeah. Amazing. Well, Candace, we're looking forward to seeing you in six months. Yeah, let's set the goal. So you're at 239 now. What seems reasonable for six months? Sam, you're a weight loss master. What do you think is fair, yet challenging?

[Sam Talent]

You know what? I feel like if you were able to lose 20 pounds in six month, that's a great step forward in your progress to your goals.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'm going to jump in here because it seems 20 is a little easy for me.

[Sam Talent]

That's what you think? You're 108 pounds?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm 166.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you have all those gold bars in your pocket.

[Candace August]

Yeah. You never had to lose a pound in your life, Tony, you don't know

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what you're talking about. I used to cut weight for wrestling. I used to wrestle. I used to wrestle with, man, the best days of my life.

[Sam Talent]

Was it hard to cut from 115 to 112?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did at times and down to 103. When I was a freshman, I had to cut 103.

[Sam Talent]

I had to cut from 325 to 275. I played football at 325 and have to cut 50 pounds and like, it's insane.

[Candace August]

Sam, how much have you lost total? Cuz you were way bigger when I saw you.

[Sam Talent]

Oh, thanks. I'm a human.

[Candace August]

You look fantastic is what I saying.

[David Jolly]

Thank you.

[Sam Talent]

Well, I was pregnant when we met.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've lost.

[Sam Talent]

I've lost. I think Based that, that's 96 pounds.

[Candace August]

Wow.

[Redban]

That's more than my fiance weighs.

[Sam Talent]

I know.

[Heidi]

Wow.

[Candace August]

That's incredible. Oh, the book was great, by the way.

[Sammy Smith]

I read it.

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[Candace August]

Fantastic. But that's amazing. Almost 100 pounds. Great.

[Sam Talent]

I want to get down to, like, 115,

[Candace August]

but you're like six four.

[Sam Talent]

I'm going to get back to my birth weight. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Candice, let's have some fun with this. You're 239 today. You're coming back in six months. I think we set it at 215.

[Sam Talent]

That's 25 pounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's set it at 25, but let's add a little. A little something. $1 million, let's say.

[Candace August]

What do we have? I know what I want to win, but go ahead.

[Austin Ingles]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you want to win?

[Candace August]

I would like to win. I just want to be a part of the show. I would like to win.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Shut up.

[Sam Talent]

They're auditioning for Black Drummer.

[Candace August]

I would like one of two things or both. You tell me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Candace August]

Either a golden ticket or a spot at Madison Square Garden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's make a deal here. Let's make a deal, because six months will be after Madison Square Garden.

[Candace August]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's impossible. But let's do this. If you lose £25, I'll give you one more spot in addition where you won't have to sign up.

[Candace August]

Oh, beautiful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But to make things exciting, since you're 239, if by some miracle you're able to get to 199 or less in

[Candace August]

six months under 200 pounds. Okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I'm just saying it's not that hard. High. Okay, well, if you only eat steaks, you'll actually do it. So the stakes would actually be the path. Okay. All right. What is it?

[Candace August]

I'm ready.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get 199 or less. I will put you up at the Moody center on New Year's Eve.

[Candace August]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sold out. Arena here in us. A little fun. Weight loss challenge.

[Sam Talent]

And you can do it.

[Candace August]

I can definitely do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the meanwhile, ladies and gentlemen, here's a big joke book for you, Candace. There you go. Now she's 240 with that joke book. Look out. Going the wrong direction. There she goes. Candace August, everybody. Hell, yeah. All right, we're having fun up here. We're going to keep it moving. How many hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Crushing it. All right, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Seabass Matar, everybody. Seabass Matar. Okay, here he is. Hey, what's up?

[Seabass Matar]

What's up, what's up? All right. No gratitude here. No problem. That's the problem with people today. There's no gratitude anywhere. I saw a guy with a full head of hair say he had a bad hair day. I was like, bitch, I look like I drive a Honda CRV as a stepdad. That's what people are missing, man. And one of the things that I was gratefully blessed with was my dad had a heart transplant. So every day he woke up was a grateful day, right? And I got this tattoo in memories of him, and it says, all this extra time, that was my dad's motto. I had a Cuban guy tattoo it, and I was like, mira, Emmanuel, I don't want to see no silent H's in that bitch. No tildes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I love it, and I love

[Seabass Matar]

everything it stands for. But the only thing I regret is where I put it, because it's on my right hand. I gotta go jerk off. I'm like, papi,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you already had your time.

[Seabass Matar]

You know what I mean? But it does stay true to something my dad always told me. Said life's gonna get hard, life's gonna get rough, but if you need a hand, I'll always be there for you. And I was like, God damn. Not like that. Thank you all. My name is Steve Asmat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Seabass Mittart. I kind of got lost there. You said the dad had a heart transplant. Did he pass away?

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, in 2013, but he lived 27. That's what I'm talking about, Red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bad party time.

[Seabass Matar]

He lived 27 years extra with the heart transplant. He was supposed to live five, and he outlived the surgeon who gave it to him, so.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was supposed to be sterile. Had me seven years later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I.

[Sam Talent]

Surprisingly enough, this tattoo on your right hand, I had the exact same premise early on in comedy because I have 303 because I'm from Colorado, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Sam Talent]

Right. So. But when you jerk off, it looks like, wow. You know? But if you. But if you want to go. I'm just remembering, if you want to go fucking southpaw, you flip it over, treat yourself, then it says, mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's crazy.

[Sam Talent]

So it's kind of the same thing, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Seabass Matar]

This one, if you kind of look at it, it looks like a dick and balls. You know what I mean? So it's always like, my dad reminded me, like, my dick's bigger than yours. And I was like, I guess That, I guess.

[Sam Talent]

Well, we're not doing tags, but very fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Se Bass Matar. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing standup?

[Seabass Matar]

About eight years now. Closing in on year nine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Where at?

[Seabass Matar]

Miami for about four years and then over here for about another four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How's it going? Good?

[Seabass Matar]

Oh, yeah, it's going dope, man. I mean, I love Austin. I love Main. Like, Texas. All of Texas has shown me a bunch of love. And I'm actually moving back to Miami next, next Friday. So this was my last sign up and I got pulled again. I was on here like two years ago, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

Texas must have been showing you a lot of love if you're moving.

[Seabass Matar]

No, my. That's my wife. My wife and my mom. We need the family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They live here with you now?

[Seabass Matar]

My wife lives with me. Our families live in Miami. My mom lives in Miami.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity are you?

[Seabass Matar]

Cuban? Chileno.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Seabass Matar]

South American, not Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, yeah.

[Redban]

All right.

[Sam Talent]

We didn't say you were.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, the accent Tony said was a little.

[Sam Talent]

You know, it's Carlos's birthday and it looks like you're ready to play horns with that.

[Seabass Matar]

Whatever you need.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about the wife? What's the wife's ethnicity?

[Seabass Matar]

She's full Cuban. Both parents Cuban?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Full Cuban.

[Sam Talent]

But she's a bit of a handful, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Seabass Matar]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about the Cuban wife. That's a real firecracker. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Sammy Smith]

She's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many times have you. Has she broken your glasses?

[Seabass Matar]

Ah, no, never. That never. Never the glasses? No, no, we've never. Thankfully. I'm very blessed with my wife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you have kids?

[Seabass Matar]

Not yet. We're working on it though. Definitely that's part of the reason why we're moving back to Miami. Being around family, trying to have kids.

[Sam Talent]

See the year to conceive when your family's there.

[Seabass Matar]

That's right. Especially in your in laws house because that's where the I'm going.

[Sam Talent]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're moving in with her parents?

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, thankfully they got a bit. We're not sharing like a small house. They have a four bedroom house. They're empty nesters. So we're gonna try to get our feet under us over there and then see what we do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very nice. And she believes in you doing stand up. She supports you?

[Seabass Matar]

Yes, thankfully.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And did the in laws support it? Have they ever seen you do a show?

[Seabass Matar]

Yes, they're actually my biggest supporters. I actually got a show lined up in Miami. Just a small little brewery show, nothing crazy. And they're already, like, you know, buying tickets and telling all their friends and everything. So thankfully, the whole family. Thank you. I appreciate that. They appreciate this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I think they're doing them an injustice. What do you do for work? What do you do for a job?

[Seabass Matar]

I'm actually a game show host. There's a place called Game Show Battle Rooms just opened up in Austin, Nationwide. And I am a host for the game shows.

[Sam Talent]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[Seabass Matar]

It's, it's, it's like game shows.

[Sam Talent]

It's just an escape room and you're ruining it for everybody.

[Seabass Matar]

It's like a higher version of an escape room, but yes, right in that same ballpark.

[Sam Talent]

What a nightmare. Is that a tough gig for you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not at all.

[Seabass Matar]

It's fun, it's great. People have a blast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think I've seen this before. I think I've seen an ad or a promo.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, it's all over. I think it's all over.

[Sam Talent]

Idea.

[Sammy Smith]

Yeah.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, it's very dope. Honestly. It sounds very like, man, who's gonna come to this? But when people go, they like. I've seen people walk in very like, I don't want to fucking be here because it's a lot of team building. And then when they leave, they're like, oh, my God, this is amazing. So it's a fun time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Sam Talent]

I'll have to take your word for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what that sound means? Anyway, Seabass, what's another fun fact about your life before I get you out of here?

[Seabass Matar]

I used to be a hype man for the Miami Dolphins. I actually came out on the Miami Herald is our local newspaper against the Cleveland Browns Back in 2016, Jay Ajayi drove in the game winning touchdown. I think it was in overtime. And I came out in the Miami Herald, like, high fiving him. So that was dope, man, you know?

[Sam Talent]

What does that have to do with you coming out?

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I thought you were married to a woman and you're gonna have a. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, all right.

[Sam Talent]

Now, what's Seabash? Man, I didn't know that was a name in Spanish.

[Seabass Matar]

Sebastian's my name. And then Sebas is what everyone would call me. Sebasteva. So then in Miami, 95 of the people speak Spanish and Sebas just stuck and it was Seabass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we hope that you have a wild success in Miami. Keep chasing your dreams. Have a good time.

[Seabass Matar]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Here's one last little joke book.

[Seabass Matar]

There you go, another little one. That's the half Cuban side of me. I would have caught it if I was full.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the Chilean. That chileno would have caught it. Am I saying that correctly?

[Seabass Matar]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are they known for, the chilenos? I mean, I don't have any racist jokes, empanadas.

[Seabass Matar]

All right, Easter Island.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's enough. There he goes. One more time for Steve as Miami. He goes. That should be a new. That should be a new part of the show. If you don't do good, you have to move to Miami. Oh, hello. I didn't see you over there. Just to let you know, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Picture this. It's late at night and you're scrolling through your feeds when all of a sudden you see it. That one product that you've been looking for. You click on the link, add to the cart, maybe even shop around a little bit more before finally hitting checkout. As you're filling in your address, you realize you don't have your card anywhere near you. That's when you see it. That purple pay button that has all your information saved, making checkout as simple as a tap of your screen. Red band.

[Redban]

Tony, I want to marry Shopify. It's the best business tool hands down. Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you get stuck, Shopify is always around to share advice with their award winning 24. 7 support. So see, less carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com kill Tony go to shopify.com kill Tony. That's shopify.com go to shopify.com kill tony right now.

[Sam Talent]

What's the difference between butter and butter made from real California dairy? It's the real California farm families behind it. Real people, real care, real intention. Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because real matters.

[Sam Talent]

So whether you're pouring milk, melting cheese, or just grabbing one more spoonful of yogurt, keep it real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look for the seal.

[Sam Talent]

Real California milk by real California farm families.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your next bucket poll. Anything can happen folks. Goes by the name of Austin Ingles. Everybody, we're going to meet Austin all together. Here he is.

[Sam Talent]

How we doing, everybody?

[Austin Ingles]

How we doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much.

[Austin Ingles]

I'm from the Midwest. My family's old fashioned is what you say when your family's still racist. And all my friends are starting families of their own. And one of my friends, his kid has Asperger's, ADHD and autism. I can never remember little fuckers names, so I just call him aaa. I used to work at a prison for like three years. And you meet a lot of interesting people when you meet. When you work at a prison. Employees as well. We worked with this one guy who would eat his own hair and if you can believe it, he didn't crush it with the women. There was reason for that. He was into child porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Austin Ingles]

He got busted at his house with a computer full of child pornography. That was the last time I trusted a coworker with my laptop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Austin Ingles]

I saw a homeless person outside holding a sign that said dying of aids. Could have used that sign before the blowjob. Thank you, guys. I'm Austin Ingles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin Ingles, everybody. Is this your first time on the show, Austin?

[Austin Ingles]

Second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been a while. What did we find out about you last time you were on the show? Not much.

[Austin Ingles]

I bombed the interview pretty hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you describe it a little bit better for us?

[Austin Ingles]

Matt Rife was on. I was like one of the. The first times in comedy that I've had like an out of body experience and it was on this show, so happens pretty terrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt Rife does that. Yeah, he's a handsome fella. Beautiful, that guy. Yeah, out of my body.

[Sam Talent]

Usually he only does that to women though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But hey, speak for yourself there.

[Sam Talent]

I would never speak for you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Sam Talent]

Where in the Midwest are you from?

[Austin Ingles]

Like the Quad Cities.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Peoria area.

[Austin Ingles]

Donnie Townsend on your.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I just put out Donnie Town. All right. I put out a special on my YouTube. It's interesting because I'll be in the Midwest, so I'll be in chic Chicago and Madison and Grand Rapids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Peoria.

[Austin Ingles]

Peoria is where I grew up.

[Sam Talent]

I'm doing my plugs. No, but you're wearing the property Cabin. That's a great club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, dude, good for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. So Austin, you really worked at a prison?

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah, for like two and a half years in the like by Kiwani, Illinois.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very. What did you do at the prison?

[Austin Ingles]

Correctional officer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Hated it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us something that was. That was going on there. What did you learn that surprised you being a cr.

[Austin Ingles]

There are murderers free in the street right now that like murdered people in the 80s and they're just out now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Tell us something we don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, I didn't know that oh, yeah.

[Austin Ingles]

Until I worked as.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They get probation and stuff.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah. And one of them was, like, about to die. He was, like, 85. And they're just like, yeah, you can just go, dude, just. There's the door. He was a great worker, but, yeah, he told me he watched somebody's soul leave their body on pcp. And he's free now, so. Okay.

[Dedrick Flynn]

All right.

[Austin Ingles]

That was pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work now?

[Austin Ingles]

Door guy stuff on Rainey Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There we go, ladies. Maybe go one at a time, bozos. There's just two women walking side by side with each other, knocking over everything that exists. Absolute idiots.

[Sam Talent]

You ever see anything crazy like that?

[Austin Ingles]

Ruined everything for me. Thanks, ladies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally, Women can't even. They have to hold on to each other to do anything in society. It's fucking unbelievable. Sorry that the stuff happening out there is more entertaining than you, Oscar, but, I mean, holy shit. I've never really seen anything like it. It took two or three drinks getting knocked over for it to get my attention. And then, sure enough, there they are just holding on to each other through a tight alleyway.

[Sam Talent]

No tits at all.

[David Jolly]

Fuck yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You ever see a man get raped at your job?

[Austin Ingles]

A guy in a wheelchair?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I got.

[Sam Talent]

No, I'm not that I'm going to let that. No.

[Austin Ingles]

A guy in a wheelchair was getting raped by another, like, retarded person in health care. I didn't do it. I don't know why you're grinding at me, like.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, I know why you had to say he was retarded.

[Austin Ingles]

He was, though.

[Sam Talent]

He's a rapist. But you don't have to go crazy.

[Sammy Smith]

He was.

[Sam Talent]

He's a wheelchair guy. Rapist. We don't have to cast aspersions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you this. This happened in the showers or something?

[Austin Ingles]

The health care area? Yeah. Back in the shower areas, like, they have their own little cells.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was the guy showering in his wheelchair?

[Austin Ingles]

He just couldn't move, so, like, the. Would go in there and when.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[Austin Ingles]

I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you say it like you just watched it every day.

[Sam Talent]

Get the hose. Mikey's up to it again.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I.

[Sam Talent]

We got to put a bell on Jeff. His wheelchair is all over. Oh, they're using the stoma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ever see this take?

[Austin Ingles]

I didn't see it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. You never saw it?

[Austin Ingles]

I was in the healthcare area on first shift, and apparently this was happening on third shift, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got it.

[Austin Ingles]

I just. Just missed it, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Just like the security camera outside of Epstein's cell. Nope.

[Redban]

At least his ass is clean. The Wheelchair guy's ass is pro, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, the cleanest it would ever be. Red band.

[Austin Ingles]

He did get washed by people. Red bands onto something there he was getting washed and, like, cleaning a baby

[Sam Talent]

in a sink, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, if that. But yeah. What do you do for work now, Austin?

[Austin Ingles]

Work at a place called Crazy Conscious on Rainy. It's like a door guy, so security. Do some comedy shows there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Austin Ingles]

And then just, you know, do spots around town as much as I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What else? You in love? You have a girlfriend?

[Austin Ingles]

No, I love all the Mexican. It's a Mexican restaurant, so. See a lot of beautiful Latinas. And I would love to get with one of those someday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever been with them?

[Sam Talent]

Quit saying one of those then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I'm gonna put you on some game, young blood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Hey, hey.

[Sam Talent]

I want. I want them. One of you should suck me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've been with a Latina.

[Austin Ingles]

Yes, I have.

[David Jolly]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But have you noticed is different being with a Latina woman than a white woman? What is that about them that you think psychologically you find satisfaction?

[Sam Talent]

You have to get that.

[Austin Ingles]

Like, they're loyal. I mean, they are loyal.

[Sam Talent]

Getting the corn skin off of the. That's tough tamale. Come on, Carlos. Happy birthday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Happy birthday. Oh, that's good. They're loyal. That's your answer?

[Austin Ingles]

No, I mean, you know, like, they get psycho and I like that. Like, it was just. I was just hooking up with one and she took it further. So, you know, like, what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Austin Ingles]

Like, went through my phone when I was asleep and just wanted your Netflix password.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is an actual thing that you can go through the history of Sony and you will find out that Latina women go through your phone when you're sleeping. The little fun fact for you, jealous

[Austin Ingles]

as I didn't have it was a Tinder matchup. I didn't think that. I thought we were both, you know, on the same playing field. But she took it further. And, yeah, I went through my phone after, like, the second time hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say Tinder matchup, this was like a first date or something.

[Austin Ingles]

Early second time hooking up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We never really hooking up. And she's already going through your phone.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah. Never really went on a date.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Red band. Stick with the soundboard. Stick with the soundboard. There's a lot of buttons you could hit. Look, look, look. Turn up your volume one. Look, there you go. There you go. Hit that one. It's a perfect time for that one. There you go. Jesus Christ. Then I found out.

[Austin Ingles]

She worked at McDonald's and she didn't bring me food. I wasn't happy about that. And then the whole night afterwards. Yeah. Is when she went through my phone.

[Aaron McPherson]

So. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy. On the second hookup. Going.

[Austin Ingles]

Second hookup.

[Sam Talent]

Can't imagine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Extra crazy. Yeah, that's what Latino women are like.

[Sam Talent]

Did you eat the McDonald's before you had sex with her?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I didn't.

[Austin Ingles]

I didn't find out till after. That's why I was mad.

[Sam Talent]

Because he's dead?

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Austin Ingles]

Well, don't sound great in that situation, but, Austin, sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here you go. There's.

[Austin Ingles]

Thank you, sir.

[Sam Talent]

Austin.

[Austin Ingles]

Appreciate it, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's have some fun in here. Right now we have one of our newest golden ticket winners who is an absolute fucking machine ready to go. Very funny, man. We love him. You're going to love him. He's getting spots. He just recently got passed here at the mothership from being seen by the talent coordinator, Adam Egot. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back the great Pat o', Neill, everybody. Here he is, the very funny Pat o', Neill,

[Sam Talent]

Folks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. My son just came out as trans. Well, shouldn't call him my son anymore now that he's dead to me. They got him on puberty blockers, or as pedophiles call them preservatives. Fucking. Miracle medicine. The other day at my job, I was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets. I work in a circus.

[David Jolly]

And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He goes, there's people choosing to do this. Fucking calm down, Tyrion, you bigot. You there. Sir, let me ask you, what do you call a little person with adhd? That's right, a fidget. Good answer. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings. The ultimate puberty blocker. And you know, these shootings are often done by the same race. I'm looking at you honkies. White kids need to learn from their black classmates and save the shootings for after school. For them, it's an extracurricular activity. Okay, thank you.

[David Jolly]

You.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow, Pat o'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neal.

[Sam Talent]

Every line was a punchline, bro. That's how standup should be. That's very good. Jokes, yes. Jokes, man. No, no waste opportunity to get a laugh out of these people, bro. You respected their time. That got me fired up, dude. That was fucking sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Above and beyond. Me too. I forgot how good it can be. That is like, not only the set of the night so far, but, I mean, that's like some of the best material I've heard, period. In a long time. Fucking love you, Pat.

[Sam Talent]

Preservatives. Preservatives is sick. And then you call back to it like three jokes later in a one minute set. Like, dude, just way to go, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing. I think it's a good crowd too. Who wants some candy? Whoa. You wanted one too? Oh my goodness, look at that. It's got a cannon on them. Pat, what's your like, writing process? Like, how much material do you think you have if you were to do the longest set possible? And, and yeah, I'll follow that up with another question. I mean, like, I can do like, there's only so many black and trans jokes you can do in one set. Right? So like minute by minute on this show, quite a lot. But like I've done like 40 minutes before when it actually has to be like, how about like different topics per week. If you had to guess or so or per month, how many new minutes that you like, do you think you're writing? I do like 15 new jokes a week and then like three or four actually. You know what I'm going to do, Pat, right now is something that I've never done in this show's history. Right now, if you want it, you can have it. You're the first person ever, I do believe, elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full time regular. Yeah. That's a promotion, a live promotion in real time. Yeah. Pretty amazing.

[Sam Talent]

You gotta reward that, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, dude, I want to see it. I want to see it every week, dude.

[Sam Talent]

I have like hosts on the road who do like the same amount of jokes you did in like a 10 minute set. Pro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Like keep this coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. You could be one of the true greats. How old are you? 30 now. Yeah, man, 30. They always laugh. I know, it's. It's unbelievable.

[Sam Talent]

You look like Beavis and Butthead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are so built for this. You. I've said it every time since the first time time I saw you. I mean, you are just a true comedian. And now we're going to get to see you every week on this show. Welcome. Your life just got a little bit crazier. Welcome to the family. One more time for Pat o', Neal, everybody. Yeah. That's how you do it. It's that easy. You absolutely destroy. You get rewarded if you just do okay. You don't. If you do bad, you get made fun of and then you're embarrassed and then you leave. It's a very simple show. If you're unbelievable, I want to see more of you. It's like common sense. Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. I mean, again, this could be the future. Anything can happen. Make some noise for action. Hell, yeah. Thank you.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I've been doing a lot of drugs and dwelling on my traumas and mushrooms showed me that my biggest trauma was learning that Santa Claus was not real. But here's the thing. When you think about Santa when you're on mushrooms, you realize they've been talking about Santa for thousands of years, and they're going to keep talking about Santa for thousands of years, yet I'm only going to live for, like, 80 years. So, in a way, isn't Santa more real than me? So here's my question. If Santa is not real and I'm less real than Santa, then why did it feel real when he molested me at the mall? Our traumas ground us in the physical reality.

[Sammy Smith]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I say bimbit.

[Sam Talent]

What a spooky final line to say here at the comedy show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Suki is a good adjective for these styles of. Akshay. Bimbit. Welcome.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome. Actually, we met your black wife earlier. How's being a father going for you? I was like.

[Sam Talent]

I'm gonna say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll roll with it. No, you're good.

[Austin Ingles]

Is she lovely?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was so lovely. Akshay, how long you been on stand up?

[Akshay Bimbic]

I've been all in since COVID but it's been around a decade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where have you been doing it at?

[Akshay Bimbic]

I started in New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New York City.

[Akshay Bimbic]

When I left Wall Street, I moved to la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Wall Street.

[Akshay Bimbic]

And then I moved with my band from LA to Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your band?

[Akshay Bimbic]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the name of your band?

[Akshay Bimbic]

The Ancient Asses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, wow. I'm surprised I haven't heard of you.

[Sam Talent]

Red Band. You're gonna have a hard time Googling that with your search history. That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Sam Talent]

You're gonna have to close some tabs, I think.

[Aaron McPherson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing. The Ancient Ax.

[Sam Talent]

Few E's. Sick Few E's.

[David Jolly]

The.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Just.

[Sam Talent]

What kind of music do you guys do?

[Akshay Bimbic]

We're going with post psychedelic is the genre we're rolling with.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it says here on your website that you are a drummer.

[Austin Ingles]

Is that.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I am the drummer, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing. You know, actually, and I don't. I don't even think. I don't know if you know this. Justin Heights. I don't know if you know this. Do you know about this? There's a part of the show. Every once in a great while, once every 10 episodes or so, when we find out someone's a drummer, they have a drum solo off. Are you down to do this? All right. Justin Heights is down Axe saying, put the mic in the mic mike stand there. We're gonna hear a little drum solo from Akshay, who I'm guessing is gonna play the drums with his bare hands, by the looks of things. Well, there's no Mexican here, so this is our first ever not Mexican drum off. This is our first ever Indian black drum off, everybody. Here we go. This is very exciting. Very good. Red band. Very good. All right, ladies and gentlemen, the first ever Indian black drum up here. He is. Akshay Bimbic. Wow. All right.

[David Edwards]

Actually whip it through the glass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our. Yeah, well. Yeah. No, let's do it, Sam. You know what, Justin, before you get back there, because I believe Here. Come this way real quick. We're gonna get to you in just a second. Because I do believe that in this crazy world that we live in, I'm gonna. I'm betting that Sam Talent can actually beat Akshay Bembit in this. Drum off. Ladies and gentlemen, this is our first ever Indian white, black drum off. That's right. It's the first time you've ever heard that sound effect before. That is terrorist. With the Friends theme. And baking soda.

[David Edwards]

Baking soda.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, here to beat Akshay, step back here with Justin so the cameras can get Sam Talon defeating you in your own thing that you do, supposedly. Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Talon on the drums. Oh, shit. Fuck, yes. What a show. Unbelievable. Now, here to put the icing on the cake, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. To the great Justin Heights. Justin, let's bring this party home. Even though without a doubt, without a doubt, Sam Talon just beat Akshay. But Akshay we're gonna bury.

[Akshay Bimbic]

He does have talent in his last name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we're gonna bury you one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Justin Heights. Oh, yeah.

[Sammy Smith]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Unbelievable. And that is your first ever Indian black, white drum off. Everybody won except for you, Akshay. Pretty amazing.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I'm just happy to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Akshay, what were you doing on Wall Street?

[Akshay Bimbic]

Traditional investment banking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that? You didn't like that, right?

[Akshay Bimbic]

I got my solid decade in, and

[Sammy Smith]

it's time to move on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made good money.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I did okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did you save it?

[Akshay Bimbic]

I did save it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you still have some.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you get to live your dreams. You get to play music. You get to do comedy, wear cool outfits.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Thank you.

[Sammy Smith]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Pursuing comedy and music is pretty much all I do. And trying to get it all off the ground.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that. I love that. What else? Actually, do you have a job now or are you just going off your savings?

[Akshay Bimbic]

I'm just going off savings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Very cool.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much do you have left?

[Akshay Bimbic]

Enough to be present right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I guess? And you tell me higher or lower? You're gonna be shy.

[Akshay Bimbic]

That would not be a fun game for me.

[Sam Talent]

No. Yeah, but it's fun for the. The millions of viewers at home.

[Akshay Bimbic]

You already had two drummers beat me. You know, just go easy on that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Actually, I was gonna guess. I was gonna guess 550, 000. Is it higher or lower? It's less than that. Oh, damn.

[Sam Talent]

545, 000.

[Akshay Bimbic]

But I don't need much more to be happy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. That's a good point. What makes you happy? What brings you great joy other than comedy and playing music? Give us one more fun fact about action.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I've been taking shepherding lessons with my dog. Learning to become a shepherd.

[Sam Talent]

Talking action.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, you should have led with this. Okay. You're a nomadic. What kind of things are you gonna shepherd?

[Akshay Bimbic]

Well, goats is all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, not goats.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Sheep is all the training facility has.

[Sam Talent]

So I got too excited for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of dog is. He's a blue heeler.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Catalog name is Wiley and he's adorable. But we'll you up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, he will. I once. Yeah, we once had a friend that had a blue heeler and this was a very long time ago. And yeah, that dog was ruthless. Yeah. To say the least.

[Sam Talent]

Did you call them blue healers? We call them blue tick healers where I grew up.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I actually just bought him a shock holder.

[Sam Talent]

We're talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, sorry, sorry.

[Sam Talent]

We're trying to get down to the reason differences in dog names.

[Aaron McPherson]

So.

[Sam Talent]

No. What were you saying? I'm very sorry. You killed a moment.

[Sammy Smith]

Move on.

[Sam Talent]

No, no, we can. I don't think I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know why they called him healers? No, I actually found your heels. Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's what they do. That's right. You knew that, right?

[Akshay Bimbic]

I did know that and I actually bought him a shock collar. And no kidding. I was inspired by Timmy no breaks his performance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, legendary.

[Akshay Bimbic]

To make that happen to get the nip out. I live with my bandmates and one of the dog does not. Does not like one of my bandmates. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why, what do you think? It is about that bandmate that the dog doesn't.

[Akshay Bimbic]

I don't know. I think he is. He maybe has seen into his past life and doesn't approve.

[David Jolly]

I don't know.

[Akshay Bimbic]

That's about all I can think of.

[Redban]

You should look a Passan shock collar. You might like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Weird kink I don't know about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. Okie dokie. There's red band again. On the mic, please. All right, Akshay. Anything else crazy we should know about?

[Austin Ingles]

You?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a girlfriend?

[Akshay Bimbic]

No girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You into women?

[Akshay Bimbic]

I am into women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your favorite type of woman? You could have anyone. What would it be? Well, apparently black. All right. All right. Okay.

[David Jolly]

All right.

[Sam Talent]

Now, why. Why do you have this affection for the. For the ebony goddess?

[Akshay Bimbic]

Because it was bestowed upon me by you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, actually, here's a little brown joke book just like you. A little brown joke book. Akshay Bimbin is Kill Tony debut, and the show just keeps moving along.

[Akshay Bimbic]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're welcome, Akshay. There he goes, everybody. One more time for Akshay, everyone. All right. Your next bucket pool. This is an easy to say name after Akshay Bimbit. It's spelled very hard. This one's easy. Joe Jacks. Everyone make some noise for Joe Jack.

[Joe Jacks]

What's up, dogs? Chill. I was watching Forrest Gump the other day. Where my Gump heads at? I don't know. I just had this thought when I was watching the movie is, you know the plot of the movie, it's like a guy, like, goes through history. He's, like, slow. He doesn't know what's going on. I thought it would be really funny if Forrest Gump was involved in a bunch of really racist shit and had no idea. You know, it's like, I went to the woods with my new friends. All of a sudden, we was dressed as ghosts. They started burning a big tea, and I left because I got hot. Vietnam. Lieutenant Dan is just like, waterboarding Vietnamese villagers. Forest in the corner. Like, I guess they was thirsty. Mama said Bubba. Was it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Joe Jacks, welcome to the show. Joe. This is your first time on, right?

[Joe Jacks]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome. How long you been on stage? Stand up.

[Joe Jacks]

It's like seven years. Ish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Joe Jacks]

I started in Orlando. My boy. My boy Cam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where my boys in New York now?

[Joe Jacks]

Yeah.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah.

[Joe Jacks]

Started out in Orlando. Came in as public's uniform. I don't know. I just want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How old are you?

[Joe Jacks]

I'm 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, 26.

[Joe Jacks]

I know I look like a lesbian. I can't grow a beard, but you

[Sam Talent]

look like Tig Notaro.

[Joe Jacks]

Dude, that's not cool, man.

[Sam Talent]

I thought you were very nervous when you came out, but you totally landed it, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Good work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Very comfortable, very cozy. It makes sense you started at 19, you're 26.

[Joe Jacks]

And I was even cuter back then, bro. I know I'm cute as fuck now, but it was, you know, saying curse words on stage. They loved it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Joe, what do you, what do you do, what do you do for work?

[Joe Jacks]

I'm like a blue collar esque. I hang blinds. Like job sites.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You hang blinds?

[Joe Jacks]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good thing D Madness is in here right now. That would be terrible. That'd be horrendous. Boy, he chose the right time to go pee. Wow. How long you been hanging blinds for?

[Joe Jacks]

Only a few months. I'm still earning my, you know, my man status.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you get into the hanging blinds business? You just get a footstool and say, let's go to work.

[Joe Jacks]

Four foot ladder.

[Sam Talent]

I figured their dog just bit you one too many times.

[Joe Jacks]

I mean, I am an alpha male.

[Sam Talent]

Joe, you're rubbing off on me now. Joe, with the blinds, are you in rich people's homes quite often?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not really.

[Joe Jacks]

It's just like construction sites and stuff. But we're the finishers, so we get air conditioning and shit. It's pretty tight. I mean, it is blue collar and I feel like a man when I say that on dates, but really it's like the easiest, the easiest I could be doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's great. It's good that you found a job like that. How often are you going on dates?

[Joe Jacks]

I'm. I mean, I was in a little bit. A little bit of a non getting era, and now I'm. Now I'm back, dude, I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about the difference between a non pussy era and a pussy getting era.

[Joe Jacks]

You know, like, like spoon.

[Sam Talent]

This woman's an expert.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Jacks]

Spoon in your pillow, thinking about your ex. And then the non getting error is like, you know, like every couple weeks it's like something new.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you're on like dating apps and stuff like that?

[Joe Jacks]

Yeah, I use hinge. It's not great. You know, I. I want to meet someone in real life.

[Sam Talent]

Go to a bowling alley with a hundred dollars. Yeah. You walk in there with like a cool chain, maybe swinging pair of sunglasses, you know? Yeah. Maybe you're black and good at drums too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'd be, I don't know, have a little rhythm.

[Joe Jacks]

I can't imagine going up to A stranger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Sam Talent]

You went up to a bunch of strangers and you did the job.

[Joe Jacks]

And being horny too, though, that's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a. I want to see what it's. I want to see you talk to a woman. I want to see what it's like when you talk to. Cuz you're so comfortable on stage. I can't believe I'm sens. Where's Heidi at? Can we get Heidi? Heidi, up here, Heidi. Let's see what happens if he tries to look Heidi right in her eyes. Because that's where we all look when Heidi's around. Right in her eyeballs.

[Heidi]

You're supposed to look at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm over here.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Tony.

[Joe Jacks]

Why are you doing this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get a little spotlight, Kino. Come on, Joe. Go for it.

[Joe Jacks]

Are you from Tennessee?

[Heidi]

No, I grew up in Wisconsin.

[Joe Jacks]

That ruins the rest of this because you're the only ten eyes see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my dogs. Now you got a roll with Wisconsin. She gave you Wisconsin to work with. What would you say if she said Wisconsin?

[Joe Jacks]

Wisconsin is nuts.

[David Jolly]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus. I mean, now, Heidi.

[Joe Jacks]

Not what I expected out of this.

[Sam Talent]

Now, Heidi, when you hear that, are you soaked?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Immediately dripping.

[Joe Jacks]

You guys took my phone. I was gonna get the Instagram, dog. No, I mean, I'm. I'm sensitive and. What's up?

[Heidi]

There's something about you that's just so charming. I can't, like, put my finger on it, though.

[Sam Talent]

What's.

[Joe Jacks]

What's your pronoun?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shorty?

[Heidi]

She her

[Redban]

taller than you, dude.

[Joe Jacks]

Yo, yo. I'm trying to she them titties, dude.

[Heidi]

Did you go home and practice this? You're actually so good.

[Joe Jacks]

I told you I got a lot of pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. He's really coming out of his shell.

[David Edwards]

I said.

[Joe Jacks]

Did I mention blue collar? You need your curtains hung or

[Candace August]

you

[Heidi]

can hang my curtains any day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Look at that. Oh, my goodness.

[Joe Jacks]

I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely amazing. What a first moment.

[Candace August]

Are we.

[Heidi]

Are we gonna start dating right now?

[Joe Jacks]

Hey, I'm looking for love, dude.

[Heidi]

Me too.

[Joe Jacks]

I'm out here. How old are you?

[Heidi]

I'm 10 years older than you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect.

[Joe Jacks]

That's awesome. Yeah. Let's hang out after this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing right now?

[Heidi]

I'm on kill, Tony.

[Joe Jacks]

No, after we're. There's a bar of mama dearest.

[Heidi]

I don't drink, but.

[Joe Jacks]

Get her out of here, bro. Who's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Amazing.

[Joe Jacks]

I'm serious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. How about a for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Unbelievable. She's the best.

[David Jolly]

She.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out her website. Heidi.com.

[Sam Talent]

now Redban. Heidi sat on the table. If you want to smell it, I will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he will be right after the show. Watch him walk out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, a fun fact for those of you that get to linger during the end of the show, you.

[Sam Talent]

D Madness comes floating through the curtains like a cartoon smelling a pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D no, this guy hangs blinds. He hangs blinds. D no, This guy says he hangs blinds D Madness. What do you think about that? I don't like it.

[Joe Jacks]

Yo, get him out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe, Very fun times. You did very good. Very amazing interview. Everything went absolutely, absolutely perfect. You're 19. I mean, you're 26. You started at 19. I don't think anything can stop you, dude. Just keep, keep at it. There he goes. Joe. Jack. She saw him here first.

[Joe Jacks]

Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The fun train keeps moving along.

[Sam Talent]

That was really funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was really fun. He was great. Quick improviser. Heidi's great. He was great.

[Sam Talent]

Heidi, you're a dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She really is. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? A beloved. Beloved part of the kill. Sony.

[Sam Talent]

She always gets turned down by guys.

[Redban]

It's so sad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your summer starts now with Memorial Day deals at the Home Depot. It's time to fire up summer cookouts with the next grill 4 burner gas grill on special. Buy for only $199 and entertain all season with the Hampton bay West Grove 7 piece outdoor dining set for only $499. This Memorial Day get low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot. Loss applies. Last pricing valid May 14 through May 27, US only exclusions applies. See homedepot.com price match for details. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Aaron McFerson, everybody. Aaron McFer.

[Aaron McPherson]

Damn. All right, hold on. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your boy, the Pipe Layer.

[Aaron McPherson]

The motherfucking Throat Slayer. It's the Immaculate Pimp. No draws, man. And I'm here to fuck. But not just anybody in particular. I got a thing in particular for disgusting bitches. Yeah, the nastier the better. Like a bitch. If you go to the gym, I don't want it. But if you could be on my 600 pound life. Now that's my kind of bitch. And you know why, dude? They give you money, man. That's why I'm also known as Deuce Bigelow, the American Negro Gigolo. I be charging $250 a pump got lifting big ass legs up and shit. I'm trying to get swole. But see, when you like these disgusting things, sometimes you forget to turn off your Bluetooth, you know, and then you be, you know, doing your thing. 30 seconds into the video, you're like, fuck, Ain't no sound. Then you hear a car door slam. You're like, oh, shit. Well, anyway, more of the story is fuck it. I'm Aaron McPherson.

[David Jolly]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Aaron McPherson, in and out.

[Sam Talent]

We had David Jolly. Now we have David Melancholy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, here he is. With no hesitation, hesitation. When he came out, Red band called him Fat Kanye. He whispered in my ear, he goes, oh, Fat Kanye. And he's.

[Aaron McPherson]

I've heard him the best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's pretty amazing. Red band, hoopity. Oops. Welcome to the show, Aaron. I have so many questions for you. Let's start here. How long you been doing stand up?

[Aaron McPherson]

For about six years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we're at Detroit. Jacksonville.

[Aaron McPherson]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Atlanta.

[Aaron McPherson]

No, man. From Kansas, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I was 5,000 guesses away from nailing that. What do you do? What do you. Why Kansas?

[Aaron McPherson]

That's where I was born. Shit, I don't know.

[Sam Talent]

Where in Kansas?

[Aaron McPherson]

Winfield. And then I used to do it out of Wichita. That's where I started.

[Sam Talent]

Now, where are those places exactly?

[Aaron McPherson]

One's got an airport, Wichita. The other one, I live 45 minutes south of that in the country.

[Sam Talent]

What do you do in the country?

[Aaron McPherson]

Hunting shit. I used to ride some pigs once upon a time. But now I live here, though, so. Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so, Aaron, let's talk about your choice of women. You said that you would be into a 600 pound bitch, I do believe you said. Where do you find these women at? Where do you find these big bitches?

[Aaron McPherson]

Is at your local country bar or something, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And have you been with some in Austin? How long have you been here?

[Aaron McPherson]

For about four years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In Austin?

[Aaron McPherson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And you go to your local country bars and you find big white?

[Aaron McPherson]

Hell no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Aaron McPherson]

I just do it for the love of the money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For the love of the money?

[Aaron McPherson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like the OJs, famous artists out of the state of Ohio that wrote the song for the Love of Money. It was the theme song of the Apprentice. Donald Trump bought the rights to it in order to save money because he thought the show was going to get picked up many times. And it did. Smart move. Anyway, Aaron McPherson, let's get back to it. So you do like the last big woman you were with, where'd you find her at?

[Aaron McPherson]

On Facebook. Dating.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yeah. That is a fun fact. That is the app for 600 pound bitches.

[Sam Talent]

That and Facebook Marketplace, too. Yeah, yeah.

[Austin Ingles]

Facebook.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Dayton.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yes.

[Sam Talent]

Okay. Is that Dayton Ohio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so tell us, Aaron, what are some of your favorite things about hooking up with a bigger woman?

[Aaron McPherson]

Should they pay me some money? Should. Everything can be used.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're talking about like a flap or something.

[Aaron McPherson]

You never know, man. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back of a knee or something.

[Aaron McPherson]

It happens. But they. They request these things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They what?

[Aaron McPherson]

They request these things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, like what. What are some requests that you've gotten?

[Aaron McPherson]

Put me in the back of my knee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Sam Talent]

Do you lube it up?

[Aaron McPherson]

Nah, man. Put some chicken grease in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron, you are a wild guy. What do you do for work?

[Aaron McPherson]

Should I valet?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, my God, I'd love to hand you my keys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Aaron McPherson]

Valet. I grill some chicken.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you what?

[Aaron McPherson]

Be grilling some chicken and ribs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you grill chicken and ribs?

[Aaron McPherson]

I was just selling some tonight. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were what?

[Aaron McPherson]

I was selling some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're selling chicken and ribs?

[Aaron McPherson]

This chicken today? No, ribs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you selling this chicken out of exactly?

[Aaron McPherson]

Shit. At the back of the bar, over around the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're making chicken and selling it tonight out of the back of a bar?

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah, it's sold out, though, already. You know, all the other compensated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You sold out of chicken tonight? You made chicken out of the back of a box?

[Aaron McPherson]

No, I didn't make it out the back of. I brought it. I already grilled it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You grilled it at home?

[David Jolly]

Yeah, and I brought it down.

[Sam Talent]

Come here to be on Kill Tony or to sell chicken outside of Kill Tony?

[Aaron McPherson]

Both, nigga. Shit. I'm trying to get paid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love the Hustle. Barbecue chicken. What kind of chicken you got?

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah, Barbecue chicken all day, every. Yeah, I make the best motherfucking barbecue chicken in all of Austin, Texas. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck with me. This is incredible. You are a true walking stereotype. This is amazing.

[Sam Talent]

No, he said barbecue chicken.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I think the traditional rating.

[Aaron McPherson]

I don't. With fried chicken.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't with fried chicken? Tell us about that. Why do you not with fried chicken?

[Aaron McPherson]

Trying to watch my. I'm trying to watch my figure, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're sticking with grease? So you're sticking with grilled?

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah, grilled chicken. It's a little bit healthier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Sugary barbecue sauce, red band. Actually looks at the details of everything. Yeah. And he knows that there's sugar in barbecue sauce. He learned this because of his doctor's advice, I'm sure. Weight Watchers. There you go. All right, Aaron, it's an interesting interview. How many times have you ever been arrested?

[Aaron McPherson]

No, no.

[Sam Talent]

Are you saying that just so you can maintain your chicken license.

[Aaron McPherson]

Shit. License.

[Sam Talent]

We're not gonna tattle License.

[Aaron McPherson]

Is that.

[Sam Talent]

Can you walk us through a bit of, like, your chicken preparation process?

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you buy the chicken from originally?

[Aaron McPherson]

Heb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. We love Heb. We love H E B around here. All right, so you buy the. How much chicken do you buy at once?

[Aaron McPherson]

I just bought three packs tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three packs?

[Aaron McPherson]

Some slight cheap. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what kind of barbecue sauce are you using?

[Aaron McPherson]

Famous Dave's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Famous Dave's barbecue sauce. You ever use Sweet Baby Ray's?

[Aaron McPherson]

I have, but it's not good for the barbecue. No, I don't like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not good.

[Aaron McPherson]

It's good for dipping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you describe the difference for our black fan base? What the difference between Famous Dave's and Sweet Baby Ray's is exactly? Can you describe it? It's one a little more bold or savory or sweet.

[Aaron McPherson]

Famous Dave's just. It just tastes better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, this is the worst plug ever.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah, same as they. It's just better. It tastes better. They actually use. I don't know. It just. Sweet Baby raised for white people, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Famous Stage is an actual restaurant. All right. Okay.

[Sam Talent]

Well, you know, I always think Sweet Baby Ray is more of a rib type application there. We meet in the middle here.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah. Yeah, we can meet in the middle.

[Sam Talent]

We're not so different, you and I. The nation's healing right now. This is.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yes, it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. All right, Aaron, you are leaving here with a we. I only have one of these. It's a. It's a black. The black medium joke book. There you go, pal. There he goes. Aaron McPherson, the reviews of Famous Dave's Barbecue so Sauce are absolutely amazing. They are all five star reviews. Isn't that incredible? Have you ever seen anything that has all five star reviews? Is there a single one star review on Famous tapes? There is. Let's see what that looks like. Wait, what?

[Sam Talent]

Why are you looking at your phone when your laptop's open?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's not logged into Amazon. They don't let you see one star reviews. We're. We're doing a little digging to find out what kind of human being could possibly complain about a barbecue sauce. Oh, there's no one star, but there is one two star.

[Sam Talent]

This is Russian box for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, look at that. All right.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, Tony, I love you, but I think that was probably the worst moment in the history of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you'd be surprised. We. We have had some Amazing moments. Moments. Reading reviews of things. But it turns out that people just hit two stars and. And didn't leave a review at all. And I'm guessing Sweet baby Ray got online and left that review. All right, you guys still having fun out there? All right, here we go. Your next bucket poll. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul M. Everybody. Paul M.

[Paul M]

So I don't know why, like, women get all upset when you ask them to make them a sandwich. It's not that hard. It's not like we're asking ladies to smoke as a brisket. Takes time and patience, qualities of which no woman possesses. So black people can't get lice. Just so you know, like, 97% of the cases are, like, white people. Which makes sense if you think about it, because, like, if I was a parasite, I wouldn't have to feed off inferior blood either. I'd only want the best and the purest blood for my family. My name is Paul Mendoza. I am from Napa, California. It's a very beautiful place filled with beautiful people, very low crime. A lot of people know Napa is a wine country. Well, they don't know that it's an acronym. Stands for no African people allowed. But we do allow the Mexicans. You know, grapes aren't gonna pick themselves.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Red Ben, thank you. A lot of oohs and ahhs, but you know what? I kind of liked it. Paul M. Welcome to the show.

[Sam Talent]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up, my friend?

[Paul M]

One month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One month. Oh, they are.

[Sam Talent]

I've heard all those jokes before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I didn't. I don't know if you. Have you heard those jokes before?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, for sure. The thing about ticks don't go on black people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I don't know who the you've been hanging out with, but I never heard that.

[Sam Talent]

Well, you know, the Internet's a big place, and there's a lot of big

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

ideas, you know, I mean, I'm sure. I'm not arguing with it. I'm just. I'm just.

[Sam Talent]

You've heard that joke before, right? Red band. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I didn't know that. What are you [e-mail]? i've never.

[Sam Talent]

We got a Reddit. I grew up in rural Colorado. I heard them all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

And I wrote a couple of the best ones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Paul. So, Napa. Brisket sandwich. Brisket thing. What's your writing process like, Paul? What made you want to start stand up?

[David Jolly]

I don't know.

[Paul M]

I just kind of like going on stage and making an Ass of myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been having fun doing it?

[Paul M]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Paul M]

I'm 40.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you been doing? Jesus. Wow. Fuck.

[Paul M]

Okay.

[Sam Talent]

You look like one of the guys from Ed, Ed and Eddie. All grown up, racist hack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you been doing with your life up until this point?

[Paul M]

I ran a dog kennel for like 20 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A dog kennel? Yeah. Okay. What made you get into the dog kennel business?

[Paul M]

I dropped out of high school and just went to trade school to become a dog groomer and trainer, and that's just what I did.

[Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Craziest thing about your life that we would find surprising. Paul M.

[Paul M]

Absolutely nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. There he goes. Paul Lam. There he goes. We're going to keep moving along here. We're going to just fly through it. Thank you, Paul. Hell, yeah. You know, just keeps moving along.

[Sam Talent]

They are good jokes. I'm not arguing that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, I mean, I don't know. I just didn't. I just haven't heard it. I don't know know. We're going to keep moving along. He's a month then, you know, who knows? Maybe it'll get better.

[Sam Talent]

Just don't steal jokes. That's all I say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, obviously. Definitely don't steal jokes. You heard the Napa thing before?

[Sam Talent]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe it here. I mean, if you guys weren't here, I would have given him a golden ticket.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Sammy Smith, everyone. Sammy Smith.

[Sammy Smith]

What's up, you filthy animals? It's 2026, guys, okay? If you're making good financial decisions in 2026, man, you a. Okay, all right, listen. Let me tell y' all something. Money's digital and life is perspective. If I pull my bank account up right now and I cover up that little hyphen, man, I'm rich as fuck. Ain't shit. You can tell me. Yeah, I'm broke. And I'm not broke because I go to the strip club, but I do go to the strip club even though I'm broke. You know, when I go to the strip club, I go with a smooth $40.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sammy Smith]

But it's $20 to get in. So when I go to the strip club, I got $20, and a lap dance is about $40. So when I go to the strip club, I'm looking for a bargain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sammy Smith]

I walk in that bitch like I'm Indian. I'm looking for a very good deal. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

right. Sammy's Smith.

[Sam Talent]

Racism can be funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sammy Smith]

Yeah, it's not bad. Not bad.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Good work, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sammy, how old are you?

[Sammy Smith]

I am 25. I'm about to be 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been on stand up?

[Sammy Smith]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years. All of it here in Austin?

[Sammy Smith]

No, I started in Columbia, South Carolina, and. And then it was the scene out there, real small, so I was like. I was like, yeah, this. I was going through some things that time. I was broke as a. I was landscaping. I was like, fuck it. I decided I was going to live in my car. I was driving a 2001 Ford Focus. It was a two door. It was a tiny fucking car. And I was like, I'm a living this shit. I went to Orlando, Florida. I lived in my car out there for like a month to just like test it out. And then I came out here and I was having a blast in Florida being homeless. But then when I came out here, I was like, yeah, this shit don't you know, I hear the market is saturated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Too much confidence. Very good. You are correct. Wow. So can you tell us the difference between. Can you explain it to the people? Because they don't all know what the difference between being homeless in Orlando and homeless in Austin is.

[Sammy Smith]

Like, well, Orlando's right in the middle of Florida, so, like. And I'm living in my car, so I can go anywhere. I was living on the beach, man. Going to Daytona, going to Tampa, you know, Orlando.

[Sam Talent]

It's fun.

[Sammy Smith]

And, you know, people in Orlando, they're having. People in Florida in general having so much fun that everyone's kind of home homeless out there, you know, I mean, in spirit. Everyone's spiritually homeless in Florida. Nobody goes to Florida to find themselves, you know. Yeah, Emma and my sister lived out there, so it was convenient. Shout out, Sophie.

[Sam Talent]

Wait, her name is Sophie?

[Sammy Smith]

My sister's name is Sophie.

[Sam Talent]

My sister's name is Sophie and my name's Sam.

[Candace August]

Oh, right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you hate her, too? No, I'll not play out. Is she all right?

[Sam Talent]

She's all, wait, your sister or mine?

[Sammy Smith]

Well, I hate yours now.

[David Jolly]

Come on.

[Sammy Smith]

Hey, I yours, you mine, bro.

[Aaron McPherson]

It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at this.

[Sam Talent]

That's a good deal. She does. You are her style, I'll say that.

[Sammy Smith]

Oh, right on, right off.

[Sam Talent]

You have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Your skin is the right tone.

[Sammy Smith]

Oh, yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Sam Talent]

She's happily married to a black guy, though, so.

[Sammy Smith]

All right, man, we can change that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, come on. How about that?

[Sam Talent]

I'm gonna. You, Sammy.

[David Jolly]

I'm sorry.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Anytime, bro.

[Sammy Smith]

Can I get a spot? You know I can't open.

[Sam Talent]

I don't book anything.

[Sammy Smith]

You don't book.

[Sam Talent]

You can open off stage.

[Sammy Smith]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now I'm nerd.

[David Edwards]

Now I.

[Sam Talent]

You're doing good, Sammy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a very naturally funny young man. Tell us more about your life.

[Sammy Smith]

My life, man, I've. I feel like I've lived multiple. I'm very young, but I. I've lived a lot of places. You know, I've had a lot of jobs. I didn't go to college because. That's correct. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What jobs have you done? What have you been doing?

[Sammy Smith]

Well, when I first moved to it. Well, I. When I moved to America when I was 16. I don't care. From England.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These people say anything nowadays and not get. This is.

[Sammy Smith]

No, this isn't. Like I lived a weird. I had a weird childhood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How'd you. You end up being born in England?

[Sammy Smith]

I wasn't born in England. I was born in Malaysia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you went from Malaysia to England and then England to America. What was the.

[Sammy Smith]

Yeah, kind of. So my earliest memories were in Atlanta, Georgia. I was like. Yeah, I think I started like. I think I was like conscious at like 4 years old because I don't really remember anything before then, but I was in, you know, Atlanta. And then my family, we lost our green card, so we moved to Trinidad. Trinidad and Tobago. It was a good time, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sammy Smith]

Lived there for like three years. Parents got divorced. I moved to England. My dad, my brother, my mom, my sister, they moved to South Carolina. When I was 16, I moved to South Carolina.

[Paul M]

And.

[Sammy Smith]

Yeah, South Carolina sucks, man. I'm sorry. I got a love hate relationship with South Carolina.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you move at 16 to South Carolina?

[Sammy Smith]

So I was living with a teacher because the boarding school I was going to closed down the boarding school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was.

[Sammy Smith]

No, no. So I was in boarding school and the boarding school closed down, so. But. And, but my dad wasn't in England at the time. He won. I was supposed to finish school out there. I live in with a teacher and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

then like a guy or a girl who. The teacher.

[Sammy Smith]

Oh, teacher. It was a woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. One of those teachers was.

[Sammy Smith]

No, no, no, no. She had a family and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sammy Smith]

She was. Yeah, she, like. She worked at the boarding school and she knew that I had to finish like secondary school out there. So she was like, you can finish your last year with us.

[Sam Talent]

Did you ever finish inside of her?

[Sammy Smith]

No, no. It would have been nice. No, no, no, no, no.

[Sam Talent]

We were all wondering if he fucked the lady.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sammy Smith]

It wasn't porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So 16, you're in South Carolina. What was it like getting to, like, hang out with your mom for the first time?

[Sammy Smith]

For the first time. I mean, it wasn't the first time, but it was. It was nice, you know, but it's like, you know, I was away from her for, you know, a while. So it's like, you know, you grow up away from your parents, you go back, they think you're still, like, the kid, but you're, like, traumatized now.

[Sam Talent]

You know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this great natural landscape. So, Sammy, there you are. And now you've moved here. How long have you been in Austin?

[Sammy Smith]

One year. I moved here March.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The whole time you've been in your car?

[Sammy Smith]

No, no, no, no. So I moved out here. Like I said. It was rough. So I was like, I'm gonna get an apartment. Got a studio apartment. Rent out here is really cheap. But then a week later, I got hit by a drunk driver. Totaled my shit. And at the time, I had like a thousand dollars to my name or less than that because I just got the apartment. But doordash was my only job at the time. So I was like. I like. But, you know, I'm a hustler. Like I said. I've had so many fucking jobs. First thing I did is, like, my back was real fucked up after the injury. But next morning I just went up, went to every single, like, business in the area just trying to find a job. None of them were interested.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, because you came in all head bleeding. Yeah, I need work quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sammy Smith]

She beat my back in, man.

[Redban]

The drunk driver have insurance? Like, did you get paid for that?

[Sammy Smith]

I did have insurance. That money did not last me long because I decided to live off of it. But I did get a nice paycheck, like, months later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what do you do for work now?

[Sammy Smith]

Now I work at the airport.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do at the airport?

[Sammy Smith]

So I started off at the airport selling credit cards.

[Sam Talent]

Where? The parking garage?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you know, that.

[Sammy Smith]

You know, Delta got, like, the lounge and they got the credit card, the reserve.

[Sam Talent]

Delta reserve purple card.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, that's right, sir.

[Sammy Smith]

But, yeah, I don't work for them no more. They fired me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so how about now? Where do you work?

[Sammy Smith]

At the airport.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what do you do at the airport now?

[Sammy Smith]

I work at a smoothie shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Jamba Juice.

[Sam Talent]

No, still slanging purple stuff. I like that.

[Sammy Smith]

Oh, not right in their mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, man, the local one.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And do you enjoy working at the smoothie shop?

[Sammy Smith]

Yeah, I like working at the airport. In general Austin airport's, like, cool as because it's like, all, like, local Austin businesses and stuff. Like, it's got a lot of personality. You meet people from all over the world, you know, I feel like I fit in out there, you know? Very, very glad to be working out

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

there by the smoothie shop.

[Sammy Smith]

Right on, bro. I'll get you. I'll get you a free smoothie, bro. I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. I do. I need a free smoothie. I am struggling. I got to hit by a drunk driver recently. I don't have insurance. My back hurts.

[Sammy Smith]

Don't tell them it was free. I don't want to get fired. I don't work at a smoothie shop, guys. I was lying. Yeah, I just don't want to get fired again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you're not gonna get fired. It's all right.

[Sam Talent]

Don't worry, man.

[Sammy Smith]

I've been through some, man.

[Sam Talent]

I can tell, man. Your eyes are haunting and dark. Are they really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You're staring through me into a place I forgot about.

[Sammy Smith]

Still there. We can reignite. Reignite it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing good, Sammy.

[Sam Talent]

Do you fly out of the airport or still?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. What do you think I take a hot air balloon or something?

[Sam Talent]

A blimp?

[Sammy Smith]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

No, I didn't know if you were a private guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. I mean, only once in a great while anyways, you know what I mean? All right, Sammy Smith, I think you're a really funny guy. Keep it going. Keep signing up. Keep doing it. Keep writing. You're doing everything right, buddy. Chase your damn dreams. Okay, this guy is. Has been signified that he is on the inside representing you, the audience, the rare inside bucket pool. So this should be interesting. Normally this is half written and they say, I didn't think I was gonna get pulled. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Caleb Andrews, everybody. Where's Caleb at? Is that Caleb? We have movement by Caleb Andrews. Is that Caleb? Yes, it is. All right, here he goes. He looks like a serious man.

[Redban]

A lot of attraction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He may have prepared for this. He may have prepared. He may have memorized a minute. The rare inside bucket pool. That means they're normally visiting. They don't live here. How about make some noise one more time for Caleb Andrews, everybody.

[David Jolly]

Hey, guys. I am a banker. I'm from a small town in Mississippi, and I was raised by a single mother. So if you don't laugh at this set, I'm used to disappointment. Being a banker, you see a lot. Nothing's quite as humbling as denying somebody for a loan. And they pull off in the truck. That's nicer than yours.

[Aaron McPherson]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

Being from a small town, it's kind of funny in my industry. Your credit score and your grandma's reputation are pretty much the same thing. Like, sir, you filed bankruptcy last year, but your nana made a mean apple pie, so let's see what we can do. Yeah. I'm also married. I got married last year.

[Austin Ingles]

Thank you.

[David Jolly]

Thank you. I went on a bachelor trip with my buddies. We went golfing. Because nothing says celebrating love like hating yourself for four hours silently. But golfing prepared me for marriage because both involved me spending a lot of money at something I'm not really good

[Seabass Matar]

at,

[David Jolly]

and then waking up the next morning and deciding to try again because I like the challenge. Thank you, guys. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Smart, well executed. Caleb Andrews. Surprisingly good inside bucket pull. Yeah.

[David Jolly]

Thank you.

[Sam Talent]

That's the best one I've ever seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Very rare. Welcome, Caleb. So how long have you done stand up before?

[David Jolly]

First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Austin Ingles]

Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Caleb. And you decided you came here. Where are you visiting from?

[David Jolly]

So I'm from Fulton, Mississippi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[David Jolly]

It is okay. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Are those your friends for sure?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably. Probably came with you.

[David Jolly]

Close to Tupelo, Birthplace of Elvis, actually. Just plugging weirdly. Uncle Laser came to Tupelo Thursday, so I got to see him Thursday and then come here Saturday.

[Sam Talent]

He does all the best markets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like a God in Tupelo, Mississippi. I'm sure doing. It's like the return of Elvis. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

The hardcore legend returns.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Okay, so you're a banker in Fulton, Mississippi, Correct?

[David Jolly]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it is. It's a lot of people trying to get loans and whatnot.

[David Jolly]

It actually is. We have, like, a $50 million portfolio in a very small town, less than 10,000 people, so.

[Sam Talent]

A lot of former plantations, right? Yeah.

[David Jolly]

Yeah. That's a lot of license, a lot

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of life, a lot of lies. Look at that. A callback from earlier. Oh. So, Caleb, that's where you're born and raised?

[David Jolly]

I was pretty much. I was born in a small town in Alabama, moved over to. To Fulton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just drove the riding lawnmower over there.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Set up a whole new light for yourself.

[Sam Talent]

I want to be in Fulton full time.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Have you ever done any kind of speaking publicly before?

[David Jolly]

Not really, no.

[Sam Talent]

You did a good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really, really good. Good.

[David Jolly]

Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I used to do.

[David Jolly]

Used to do theater, so. Theater kid. So, yeah, I guess that helps what

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you do in theater.

[David Jolly]

That's funny. I was actually Donkey and Shrek.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, you're a back. Can you do one. Can you do one of your lines from the hit Waffles? Wow. Very good. You still got it.

[Sam Talent]

It's like I was there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What is the most white trash thing you've ever seen in Fulton, Mississippi?

[David Jolly]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's something that pops into your head.

[Sam Talent]

Is the dog a mayor?

[David Jolly]

Close, close. No. Honestly,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you ever seen anybody, like, eat a sandwich while having chewing tobacco in their mouth?

[David Jolly]

Oh, absolutely.

That's.

That's common thing you can think of.

[Sam Talent]

Man.

[David Jolly]

The gas station people are pretty funny. That's pretty white trash. Like, we have a local shell station. People just go pull up and hang out, you know?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How about ghetto? What's the most ghetto thing you've seen in Fulton, Mississippi? Because there's. There's that too. There's that aspect of things. The white people are extremely white. The black people are extremely black. Am I correct?

[David Jolly]

Correct. Correct.

[Sam Talent]

There's white ghettos, brother.

[David Jolly]

We have a local who has chrome fingernails. It's pretty ghetto.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boom. Wow.

[David Jolly]

Chrome fingernails. Yeah.

[Aaron McPherson]

Wow.

[Seabass Matar]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

Is that drives a crown big, you know, wow.

[Sam Talent]

Okay, so there's a real cool person in Fulton.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does he make chicken at home and then sell it to people?

[Redban]

Hang blinds?

[David Jolly]

He actually cuts hair. He's a barber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Interesting.

[Sam Talent]

Did he give you that one?

[David Jolly]

No, actually, a white guy cut my hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. Yeah, it's like a white guy haircut. Caleb, any other crazy fun facts that we'd find interesting about your life before I get you out of here?

[David Jolly]

So, fun story real quick. I married into a dog or dated into a dog. It's my wife's dog. Previously. Dogs are like children. So he was our great child. And basically he kept leaving the neighborhood. He would go to like this subdivision and eat Cheetos off these kids faces. And so what was that? He would eat Cheetos off their faces. Like the kids faces.

[Sam Talent]

You know, the southern thing. Tony, he wouldn't get it.

[David Jolly]

Yeah. So he kept going to that same neighborhood less than a mile from my father in law's house. And so we're like, hey, we're just gonna let him go? You know, just enjoy your time. He's having a good time.

[Aaron McPherson]

Whatever.

[David Jolly]

Well, about a few months after he left, somebody picked him up and dropped him back off at my father in law's house and was like, hey, you're not taking care of your dog. Like he's. You can see his bones. He's covered in fleas. And we're like, this dog has been given to somebody like, side of our care. And so we took him back in, kept him for a little bit longer. And then my mom was like, I really want the dog. Like, I know you all have another dog now. So we gave them to my mom. Well, my mom just happened to get involved with this guy, and he burned her house down, stole the dog. And funny fact at my bank.

[Sam Talent]

We'll be the judge of that.

[David Jolly]

We did a. Like a post your pet day at work. And so when I started working at the bank last year, we did that post and this girl at the bank posted that dog. So she ended up with the dog. The same dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[David Jolly]

So we now know the owners of the dog. And she's like, Barry feels like, oh, it's your own dog. It's like, no, it's your dog now. Like, sure.

[Austin Ingles]

Wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You actually answered the most white trash thing I've.

[David Jolly]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Question from before. While simultaneously answering the fun fact question about your life. It was you. You were the white trash guy. But this mysterious his dog. That is obviously the life of Forest Gump.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With the million. I was eating Cheetos off kids faces one day. Next thing you know, the house is on fire. I'm just a simple dog. And then I had a new owner. And then.

[Sam Talent]

All right, so has your mom always been attracted to arsonists?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that was. That's where I was going next. Is the mom's house on fire? We kind of glazed over that pretty quickly.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were they in an argument? Human or something or.

[David Jolly]

He was just on meth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Fulton, Mississippi. I almost forgot.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, actually it. County is the county, and they're actually like back in the Civil War, that was like the big like, mess spot. But when? During the Civil War.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even in the Civil War.

[Sam Talent]

What are you talking about? Yeah, the Civil War was in like 1861-1865. That one. The war of Northern aggression, as you call it.

[David Jolly]

Right, yeah, the one where. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

I feel like the traditional crystal methamphetamine wasn't synthesized until much later than that.

[David Jolly]

And possibly that's just a.

[Sam Talent]

That's your claim to fame in your town.

[David Jolly]

Not mine.

[Sam Talent]

No, the county.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, sorry.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, right, right, right.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sure whatever it was gave some pretty powerful effects. Yeah, but I mean, you've smoked cracks. Yeah.

[Sam Talent]

You booked math too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redban]

1893.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1893, by Japanese chemist Nagai Nagayoshi, saying, Know your history.

[David Jolly]

30 years removed. I'm sorry. That's right.

[Sam Talent]

Son of a. We liked you so much, and then you lied about Meth being a big part of your upbringing, right?

[David Jolly]

My mom's also attracted to Mexicans, so that was a big.

[Sam Talent]

Give him the joke book.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, she liked the M's. She stayed in the category.

[Sam Talent]

We're doing some research.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, amazing being Coca Cola, actually. There you go. Red band mixing up three fun facts at once.

[David Jolly]

Can I tell you a real quick, real quick story?

[Sam Talent]

I don't think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[David Jolly]

Okay. So last year. So it's my wife's birthday tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[David Jolly]

Okay. So last year. Last year you were in Nashville. It was Saturday night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tornado siren.

[David Jolly]

Oh, yeah. It was a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little scary. Winona Judd singing the national anthem. What? Yeah.

[David Jolly]

So my wife, big fan. She sucked the chrome off a ball hitch to just be your doormat. Makes me feel great. Sorry, babe.

[Sam Talent]

She here.

[David Jolly]

So she is here. That's why I said sorry.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, you want to prove it to it

[David Jolly]

How?

[Sam Talent]

You find this A doorknob?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on up here, birthday girl. We're gonna put this to the test. We're gonna have her suck the what? The chrome off a ball hitch.

[David Jolly]

Like a truck

[Sam Talent]

towing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does anybody have a truck ball hitch by any chance?

[David Jolly]

So last year, I surprised her with Kill Tony tickets. I didn't tell her we were going anywhere. We picked her up. Like, her mom called work on a Friday and was like, hey, your. Your cat got out. You got to come home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is this thing with your family? Losing animals?

[David Jolly]

It was the only thing that would get her home from work. So she. She runs home. It's me and her friend there. We have her bag packed, like, hey, we're going out of town. She's like, okay, where are we going? I'm like, nashville. She's like, you didn't have to kidnap me to go to Nashville. I'm like, okay, come on. So we get to. We get to Nashville, we're hanging out. Saturday morning, obviously, the storms come. And I'm like, hey, let's. Let's go back to the room. We're going to get settled in. She's sitting in there. I'm getting ready. She's like, what are we getting ready for? And I throw her at the shirt and a Kill Tony shirt. And I'm like, hey, you're going to kill Tony. And she starts balling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, amazing. Let's bring her out. Here's the birthday girl. What's her name?

[David Jolly]

Michaela.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michaela, everybody. Wow. Hi, Michaela. You're in it. You're in the eye of the storm, Michaela. How does it feel up here? You're A die hard fan. You would suck the chrome off of a tail tag pitch or whatever.

[Sam Talent]

Can you get the red off that microphone?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. What do you do for work?

[Heidi]

I work at the bank, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, look at this. One in the bank. Two in the stank. Shocker. The old. There you go. Two in the stank. Very good.

[Sam Talent]

That was King Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two farts. I read down. That's red bands. I don't know if you heard, but he did. Did two fart sound effects. You guys two were in the stank on this one. What exactly are you doing at the bank?

[Heidi]

I was doing what he's doing. I was a loan officer, but I'm now a portfolio manager.

[Sam Talent]

Congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you. Wow. Look at.

[Heidi]

I work there first, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let me ask you guys this. You guys ever at the bank and you guys end up in the safe together or something like that?

[David Jolly]

Unfortunately, no.

[Heidi]

We work at different locations.

[Sammy Smith]

Oh.

[Sam Talent]

Cause you kept fucking at work

[David Jolly]

like,

[Sam Talent]

hey, honey, I got a roll of quarters I want you to count.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Talent]

Hey, can you make change for this hard penis?

[Redban]

What's your routing number? All right,

[David Jolly]

I'll give you that if you'll give me your account number.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at this. There's some type of Ethiopian piracy going on. Michaela, before I let you go, what's a fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? You're a big fan of the show. I mean, I'm. You must have something up your sleeve that's interesting. Oh, he already knows. He's.

[Heidi]

I'm not saying that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. What? What is it? You have two vaginas or something? You have, like, a crazy vagina or something. What is it?

[Heidi]

No.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Good night.

[Heidi]

I was born early and my butthole was not fully developed.

[David Jolly]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, Carlos.

[Sam Talent]

Looks like that's the show, folks. Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, this is just as pure of a Kill Tony moment as you can have. This is what we live for, is finding the type of stuff we've never heard of before.

[Sam Talent]

We'll be right, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So your butthole wasn't fully developed. So what did they have to do? They had to, like, cut a little one out or something?

[Heidi]

Yeah, basically. But this was in the 90s, so they actually sent me home and my mom kept calling the hospital, like, my baby hasn't pooped. And they're like, that's normal. And it was like, two weeks later, they took me back and, yeah, they just cut it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, the mom didn't notice that

[Heidi]

I was her first kid and she was 21.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's amazing. How's it doing now, girl? It's great. Redband. That is disgusting. That isn't. That is insulting to all women everywhere. You're out of control. Red band. How is it doing now, girl? It's great. I'm positive of it. Here's a big joke book for you, Michaela. And here's the big one for you. You guys got it all tonight. You did it. A huge victory. There you guys go. Michaela and Caleb, newly married. It's their birthday. They make some noise for them, everybody.

[Sam Talent]

What a sweet, pure moment. That was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sometimes the show can be very wholesome.

[Sam Talent]

Can we get a picture of your wife's butt later? Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, tag us in it. Yeah, tag us in that butthole pit.

[Sam Talent]

Not tag you in red, Dan, No. Yeah, man. I want to see that lady's butt. Right, folks?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Sam Talent]

what's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we have to switch the mics. The mics. How about a hand for the great Sam Talon? Switching the mics for us. His new novel, brute, comes out September 22nd. His standup dates are [e-mail] Sam Talent. That's with two L's in Talent. Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin. A bunch of fun things happening. Remember the roast of Kevin Hart, May 10th on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night is a Fourth of Nature, everybody. He is absolutely awesome. We are watching him take off in a great, unbelievable way. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. Now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise. Closing it out tonight, a new set from Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You know, women are gonna tell you that other women only want you if you have a girlfriend. Because women want something they can't have. And I'm here to tell y', all, that's not what's happening. We just look better than single men because we're using your healthcare products in and out the shower. Like, single dudes look and smell like what happens after years of kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator. And then the radiation from the refrigerator melts the ice, makes a certain mold. It makes a human body. And it's like, hey, ma', am, you should smile more. Cause when I moved here to Texas, I only moved with, like, single dudes. And my skin has been terrible. Cause we only got the 7 in 1 body wash, right? It's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, zen juice, four locos from 2009 with the caffeine in it, a DUI, and a domestic battery charge. Because when you go to a girl's bathroom, that's like somebody you want to keep. When you rip open that shower curtain, the products that they got. It looks like Gordon Ramsay's seasoning cabinet mixed with two Southern black ladies. You can do whatever you. They got all kinds of shampoos. They got all kinds of. Do you know they got a shampoo and conditioner? It's called purple shampoo. It's just for people with blonde hair. Or a nigga that got free time. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's all it is. Every girl ever been with thought I was jacking off in the shower. No, nigga, I was trying everything you had in there. You know, I used to go to Taco Bell and you would suicide the sodas like, you know what I'm saying? You would put every soda in there and see that? That's me with every product you got. Nigga, I used to look glorious. You know what body wash gel is? What is it? You don't know. You just try to fit in. This nigga's a liar. This nigga's a liar. They got a jail that just got glitter in it, nigga. I used to look like a cheerleader from Bring it On, nigga. I used to look like Gabrielle Union. I used to put all kind of shit together. Just make a smorgasbord of a pretty n. When they used to leave, I used to steal they bath bombs and put it in the bath. You know what a bath bomb is? What's a bath bomb? This nigga wanna fit into.

[David Jolly]

All right.

[Dedrick Flynn]

This nigga has no idea what a bath bomb is. You take a grenade and you. You put it in the bathtub and it's got colors and glitter and essential oils. Nigga, that is fucking fun as fuck. I don't ever want to be single again, Nigga. I hate being dry. That's my time. I love y'.

[Sam Talent]

All.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With a new 3 minutes, 20 seconds. Way too much. So much fun. New angles. That's something new. I love it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Hey, I'm trying to do my best, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are? How you doing? Dead Trek.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm doing too good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I ain't gonna lie. There's so much I love. Torn. Even when a city. I don't know how to get there. Like, because you have to fly into a city now. I'm doing the cities that you gotta fly into and then get transit after that to get to. Yeah, Like I did Springfield, Massachusetts. Oh, you see how those two people just said something? That's Everybody in Springfield. Matthew, that's all two of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Dedrick Flynn]

We went to a casino. It was a MGM Grand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I won $200 on the slot machine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Look at that.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Did you. Oh, $600.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was my next question. Did you quit while you were up?

[Dedrick Flynn]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What else? Springfield. Was that the only stop this weekend?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, that was. I did three shows in Springfield. Next week I'm doing Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm going right inside where the Mall America is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's a long week.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thousand. I love it.

[Sam Talent]

That's a long week.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, they got. They got the amusement park inside.

[Sam Talent]

I've been there before. Yeah, you're gonna be there for like,

[Dedrick Flynn]

Sam, you've been everywhere. We know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just.

[Sam Talent]

I'm just saying, you're touring. Make sure you get outside, because I was in that mall for like five days when I did that gig, and I did not go outside for most of it. And I was deranged, strange and gray by the end.

[Joe Jacks]

Yeah.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Can I ask you a personal question?

[Sam Talent]

Anytime.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What do I do outside of it?

[Sam Talent]

Avoid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Avoid the ice rallies. I can tell you that somehow. Everybody gets killed in many.

[Dedrick Flynn]

No, I'm too high to be in rallies.

[Sam Talent]

What about Popeyes? Maybe Checkers, White Castle, who knows? You know, I've been high in many a Taco Bell in my day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry. There's things to do in Minneapolis. It was up to me. We would donate it to Canada. I think Canada deserves Minneapolis, Minnesota, 100%. You can make a good trade. Maybe take a little Toronto or just a little Toronto. I'd even be willing to negotiate an Ottawa for Ottawa.

[Sam Talent]

Yeah, they're like a fourth round draft pick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, but what is Edmonton off the board? I don't know if you've seen what Minneapolis has Contributed the past 15 years

[Sam Talent]

or so, but I love Vietnamese cuisine.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Oh, is that where it comes from?

[Sam Talent]

Yeah. Vietnam's in Minnesota.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Vietnam's a little neighborhood in Minneapolis. Dedrick, anything else crazy going on, man?

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm about to sell this cartoon to Adult Swim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Redban]

Adult Swim went out of bankrupt about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

three years ago, by the way.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You said what?

[Redban]

Adult Swim is bankrupt, by the way. It's not a thing anymore.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't care where they get the money from. From. They told me they had the money. All right? I don't give a. Why the. Oh, they were bankrupt and so was I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I was bankrupt before I got here. I don't care how the niggas get on. Maybe Adult Swim went on Kill Tony. I don't know.

[Sammy Smith]

That's True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We saved Adult Swim's life. Dedrick, we absolutely love you. You're the man.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Way to put a ribbon on the episode.

[Dedrick Flynn]

O', Neal, the new regular Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. O', Neal, you've been ripping it.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I'm so proud of you, dog. I love y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank y' all so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. And he is right. What a night. Pat o' Neal made history by being elevated from a golden ticket winner to a regular. It was a hell of an episode. How about one more time for the great Sam Talon, everybody? September 22, his novel comes out, but you can pre order it right now. It's Brute B R U T. Where can they pre order that? Amazon.

[Sam Talent]

Amazon, Barnes and Noble. It's coming out from Random House, so you can get it anywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, perfect. Yeah, he's on Buffalo, Chicago, Madison and a bunch of other places. Go to punchuplive.com Sam Talent with two Ls. Remember the Roast of Kevin Hart? May 10 on Netflix? It's must see television. Yeah. And the Kill Tony Mania episode episode is already out on Netflix because it came out April 20th. And we're going to Madison Square Garden again, so make sure you get tickets for that if you're anywhere near the New York area. And a lot of other fun stuff coming and happening because the fun train never ends. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh my God. Look at that. Back in the day. That's old Sam. Sam told me, man, he was looking at an old picture of you.

[Sam Talent]

That's for the worst painting of me ever, bro. I came so far and you're reminding me. Thank you. Keeps me humble, Chris. Thanks, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old fat Sam Talon over there, Look.

[Sam Talent]

I look like Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for the great Sam Talon Red Band?

[Sam Talent]

You guys. Red San Diego. Be there July 9th through 11th.

[Redban]

Bringing some friends. Go to American Comedy Code dot com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are a great audience. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Sam.

[Heidi]

Wide awake in her whiskey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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