#769 - MAT EDGAR + CHRIS O'CONNOR

Summary

KILL TONY #769 – MAT EDGAR + CHRIS O'CONNOR
May 26, 2026 | Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony was a classic mixture of raw, unpredictable, and hilarious live comedy as comedians—both aspiring and seasoned—performed one minute of stand-up in front of hosts Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, featured guests Mat Edgar and Chris O’Connor, and a raucous Mothership audience. Notable moments included a range of unique characters, wild interviews, and the standout crowning of a new “Golden Ticket” winner, Martin Malloy, whose schizo-inflected comedy stole the show. Expect roast-style banter, rapid-fire wit from the hosts, and a series of never-dull, sometimes surreal contestant interviews.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

Fresh Off the LA Roast – Tony's Weekend Reflections

[00:49-12:10]

• Tony opens with a recap of the LA "Roast of Kevin Hart," sharing how he was provocatively labeled a “Nazi” and “racist” by roasters, leading to a monologue on the absurdity of media headlines and his value of opportunity for all.
  • “I got called a Nazi, a gay, a racist, over and over again. I’m none of those three things. A little fun fact.” – Tony Hinchcliffe (05:08)
• Candid shots fired at LA and Chelsea Handler:
  • “She was a bit of a cunt, I’ll tell you that. She just kept coming at me…” (06:00)
• Discussion of the contrast between LA and Austin audiences, and Tony’s view of the mainstream industry.

Introduction of the Guests and Format

[08:56-12:10]

• Mat Edgar and Chris O’Connor introduced as local homies and favorite show guests.

  • Chris O’Connor: “We were talking to Seth Green about Star Wars at 3 am…”
  • Mat Edgar reflects on starting comedy with Tony 19 years ago:
    • “And one of us made it.” (09:32)

• Tony reminds the crowd of Kill Tony’s structure:

  • Comedians drawn from a bucket, 1 minute to perform
  • Interviews follow; anything can happen, “live and improvised”

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Notable Contestant Sets & Host Banter

1. Dedrick Flynn – The Regular Starter

[12:10-17:24]

• Set Focus: Growing up with and working alongside Latinos, “steel-toe non-slip Spanish” on construction sites.
• Host banter about building car washes and the nuances of job-site Spanish.
• Dedrick: “I used to build car washes…Snoop Dogg worked at a car wash. If you build a car wash, Mexicans will come. It’s like Field of Dreams for them.” – Mat Edgar (14:34)
• Candid discussion of LA trip, stolen phone:
  • “I don’t know how y’all did comedy before…Did y’all have an actual map? Were y’all pirates?” – Dedrick (17:28)

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2. Ivy Miller – San Diego Lifeguard, New to Stand-up

[19:13-26:40]

• Set Focus: San Diego stereotypes, communication quirks, youth culture.
• Interview reveals Ivy’s double life as a lifeguard and surfer in both San Diego and Portugal.
• Hosts probe her “perfect” life: “Your life’s great…What the fuck are you doing in comedy?” – Chris O’Connor (25:32)
• Tony jokes about her lack of laughs: “You’re about as funny as a fucking plastic cup. But chase your dreams. I love you.” (26:40)

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3. BK – Stroke Survivor, Aspiring Returnee

[29:57-38:41]

• Set Focus: Middle Eastern childhood summers at “refugee camp” vs. American summer camps.
• Reveals a stroke ended his stand-up career for years:
  • “I lost my speech and language…It took about a year for recovery.” (31:41)
• Hosts coax musical performance; Tony responds roast-style:
  • “After seeing you do comedy, and music, you should get another job in IT.” (36:21)
• BK jokes about his wife leaving for Egypt: “When life’s rough with BK, she’s like, 'I’m going to Gaza for a bit.'” – Tony (37:39)

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4. Martin Malloy – The Schizophrenic “Golden Ticket” Winner

[38:44-51:41]

• Set Focus: Schizophrenia, cats, mushrooms/Ratatouille, mental illness and stand-up.
• Reveals his schizophrenia and past: “The stage presence I don’t do on purpose—I really do have schizophrenia.” (40:50)
• Shares wild personal history:
  • Lived in group homes, worked at McDonald's, sells wristbands “Made in the USA by illegals.”
  • “I have a wristband that says, 'Chicks dig mentally ill guys. That’s what my cats tell me.' Sold in Lakewood, Ohio.” (43:17)
• Formerly “Schizo Bill” on Opie and Anthony, shock therapy stories, failed reality TV stories, awkward love life.
• Ends with his frog-jumping contest tale—accidentally killed a frog.
• Tony: “Every single thing about you is absolutely, absolutely hilarious…You are the newest Golden Ticket winner.” (51:41)
• Memorable quote:
  • “I’ve looked like this since I was 18. A lot of drugs and alcohol.” – Martin (82:49)
  • “All of your personalities were funnier than the other bucket-pulls tonight.” – Tony (41:14)

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5. Enrique Chacone – Regular On the Show

[61:34-68:20]

• Set Focus: Gas station boner pills, sexual anxieties.
• Banter about “Bluechew” vs. gas station pills, and “8 pump” performances:
  • “You should never get boner pills at the same place you get lottery tickets.” – Mat Edgar (63:46)
• Enrique’s struggles with performing: “I only need 10 min to satisfy my girl and drop out of college again.”
• Tony: “Let’s get Enrique some Blue Chew on the way out.” (68:20)

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6. Notable Other Comedians

Greg McCowan [69:47+]

• Set on dating “spontaneous women,” working at Chicken Salad Chick, past legal troubles.
• Hosts riff on his “dick in the cereal” bit and his girlfriend’s travel habits.

Luke Stam [80:23+]

• Set on dark humor about carrying a condom and women’s reactions.
• Reveals six years of stand-up, rough “hard life”; used to be a heavy drinker/addict, now two years sober.
• “I read a ton of books and just fester in my own anger in my apartment.” (83:06)

Eric Blair [89:24+]

• Debuts with a controversial set about interracial dating and the “future of professional sports.”
• A 51-year-old lawyer, inspired to try stand-up by watching Kill Tony.
  • “I went through a long period where pussy was kind of controlling my life. Now I want a cheaper outlet.” (93:11)

Shaz Memon [121:40+]

• Amsterdam-based comic of Pakistani origin; mustache jokes; “Distinct look” leads to catcalls like “Middle Eastern Mario.”
• Mustache named “Jessica” after a festival kiss.
• Ends with a live “Kiss Me” segment—Sabrina from the audience renames his mustache.

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Most Memorable Lines & Moments

• “If you build a car wash, Mexicans will come. It’s like Field of Dreams for them.” – Mat Edgar, riffing on Dedrick’s old job (14:34)
• “I have a wristband that says, ‘Chicks dig mentally ill guys. That’s what my cats tell me.’” – Martin Malloy (43:17)
• “We had the genuine article up here. Now he’s inventing retard strangling crap. Sucks.” – Chris O’Connor, on the difference between genuine and forced weirdness (59:35)
• “Your dick has more inches than last laughs.” – Matt Edgar (114:04, riffing on a comic’s small dick/cockroach joke)
• “Let’s get Enrique some Blue Chew on his way out…We get your dick hard. This is Kill Tony.” – Tony (68:20)

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:49 – 09:29: Tony’s LA Roast stories, intro to guests/format
• 12:10 – 17:24: Dedrick Flynn’s set and interview (worksite Spanish, car washes)
• 19:13 – 26:40: Ivy Miller’s interview (Lifeguard, surfing, San Diego/Portugal)
• 29:57 – 38:41: BK’s stroke recovery story and musical performance
• 38:44 – 51:41: Martin Malloy’s set, wild personal stories, and “Golden Ticket” win
• 61:34 – 68:20: Enrique Chacone on boner pills and relationship struggles; audience/host sex/pill banter
• 89:24 – 98:53: Eric Blair’s debut and frank sharing about dating/motivation

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Tone & Style

The episode features classic Kill Tony energy: unapologetic, roast-heavy, unpredictable, and intermixed with candid, often touching moments from the everyday people who chase their comedy dreams live on stage. The hosts are sometimes cruel, often insightful, and always unscripted; they’re equally willing to help launch a new comedy talent (as with Martin Malloy) as to hilariously eviscerate an unprepared stand-up attempt.

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Conclusion

Episode #769 thrived on its live-wire unpredictability—from oddballs bombing to breakout talents—while providing a platform for the emotionally complex, quirky, and even marginalized voices. The highlight, by far, was Martin Malloy’s triumph as a schizophrenic “Golden Ticket” winner, a true example of the show’s unpredictable and oddly uplifting spirit.

For anyone who loves live, unscripted comedy chaos, this episode is vintage Kill Tony.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[B]

The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[A]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Get it by Tony Hits. Who's ready for the best fucking night

[C]

of their lives, huh?

[B]

Yippee. Brian right there. And indeed, that is the best damn band in all the land. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kiltoni Band. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael Gonzalez. Not just Belgrando, we have the great Dave Scher joining us on guitar tonight. Unbelievable local musician, the great John Dee's on the keys. And believe it or not, that's the real deal. D Madness, ladies and gentlemen, that is not Drew Ski in blacker face. That is actual D badness. That. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Bluechew Prize picks and Zipix. Delicious nicotine toothpicks. Who's a smoker in here? Any smokers in here? Anybody smoke? There you go, have one. Here, have one of those. Nibble on one of those during the episode and all your nicotine worries go away. Zip more, smoke less with Zipix. Fuck yeah. We just got in. We're fresh off of Los Angeles live. Last night, the roast of Kevin Hart was something else, huh? It's the first time I've been called a Nazi multiple times in just a few hours. I guess that's what LA writers rooms. All these a lot of mentally ill liberals out there that somehow with all these fucking blacks and Jews and Mexicans around me, I guess I'm a fucking Nazi somehow. I guess the guy that pulls names out of a bucket giving everybody an opportunity is a Nazi. Isn't that something? I was called that by a bunch of people that have never written anything in their lives that literally have just been reading cue cards and teleprompters. Every project they've ever done with the inability to improvise whatsoever. No opportunity to have their own thought. They just read what the writers wrote for them without any originality whatsoever. And the writers I used to work with, there's a few great writers in that writer's room and the rest of them are just living in a bubble of mental illness. And it's very exciting. But I mean, the most of it. You know what I mean? I got called a Nazi, gay, a racist, over and over again. I'm none of those three things. A little fun fact, but they are what I. They are fat, ugly, black, and Jewish. Everything I said was real about them. Just a reminder, because I woke up today and even though. Even though. Even though every human that I've seen told me that it was unbelievable, there's news articles because the news isn't real. Nothing is real that say that I got lit up by Chelsea Handler, which is very, very funny, because that's not what happened at all. You can't believe anything you see or read on the news anymore. You have to actually watch the thing for yourself. She was a bit of a cunt, I'll tell you that. She just kept coming at me over. She said I took the Saudi Arabia money. She was, like, wrong about things. The writers just didn't do her any justice. But then the teleprompter, the fun fact, the teleprompter only went down during my set, and it gave me a lot of opportunity to remind Chelsea Handler what she looks like and where her life is, because she had it coming. You know, everybody wants to go up early in those things, and they put a lot of the people that they know will do good at the end, which is fucking bullshit, because some people turn off the television before that happens. And. And so what they don't realize, though, because they want to go up early when the crowd's all fresh, is that I'm sitting there watching what they're doing. So when Chelsea kept coming at me, I'm like, oh, I'm gonna fuck this bitch up. Anyway, it was fun. We're back home. Shout out to the Roastma, Jeff Ross, our Kill Tony family that was there. The great big J Okerson crushed. And of course, the powerful Shane Gillis dominated hosting the show. We love Shane. We love Shane. But we're here tonight. We are here for the number one live podcast in the world. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Saily. Whether you're hitting the road for a comedy tour, just trying to escape the country for a vacation, getting off a long flight and realizing you your phone doesn't have Internet is an absolute nightmare. That's where Saily comes in. Red band Tony.

[A]

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[B]

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[D]

homies.

[B]

The local homies. Chris O. Connor is a star. He's got the podcast Stuff Island. He's touring the country. Tickets available atchris o connor.com. raleigh, North Carolina, Detroit, Michigan. How about a hand for my good friend Matt Edgar, everybody? We started together this week, 19 years ago. A little fun fact about Me and Matt, May 2007 at the Comedy Store. Two little pups. I was 22, he was 21. Now I'm 41, and you're 40, right?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Crazy. That's nuts.

[E]

And one of us made it.

[B]

Thank God I won that coin flip. Chris, how you doing, buddy? We were together, making a lot of eye contact. You were right in the middle front of the Roast of Kevin Hart. We had a lot of fun.

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

And I was with you last night.

[B]

3:00am Getting hammered. Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot you were there. Yes, we. We were really up talking to Seth

[G]

Green about Star wars like 10 hours ago.

[B]

Seth Green was there. You are reminding me of a lot right now. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that was so hurting, huh? Yeah, yeah, no, I know. It was a very odd plane ride home today. A lot of scary dreams.

[G]

And if you guys get blacked out last night, you guys

[B]

look on that guy. That guy made this face like, still hurting. I know, I know.

[G]

I mean, you're so loud.

[B]

It was so rough. I look, I looked like I woke up looking like Chelsea Handler. That's how rough. That's how rough my night was. I just had like that Botox swollen, inflamed face that just, you know, seems like you used to be successful 15 years ago and you're not anymore. You know what I mean? I just like felt like that worst feeling. Thank God. Then I just took a two hour nap and I was back to being one of the best in the world. And shoot. No, I'm kidding. Shut up. You guys know how the show works. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for this. Some of them could be the next great comedian of planet Earth. All of our regulars and golden ticket winners were found out of this bucket. Could happen. Could be a completely insane person, a lazy writer that, that didn't really give any effort. Anything can happen. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. And then they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. The entire thing is live and improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm going to let this Thai lady boy pick the first name out of the bucket. Hell yeah. I'm not a lady boy. I know was. Sit down. There you go. All right. And while that happens, I'm going to bring up one of the great regulars of the show's history here to do a brand new minute. He does it every week. Not easy to do. It takes balls, courage. This guy's got it all. And here he goes again here with a brand new minute to get us started. While we wrangle that first bucket pool, make some noise for the great former dark storm of Atlanta. Now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a new set from Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

I love Latino people. I grew up part Mexican in high school. My best friend was Mexican. So I was, like, raised. Like, that's where I learned Spanish from. I don't really know chore Spanish or I know certain actions. When his mama say, pinche, you duck, right? You know what I'm saying? That means duck in Spanish. And if you hear piche cabron, that means duck and run in Spanish. And then I. And then I continued that love with, you know, through my life, with my jobs, and I work now. I speak a different kind of Spanish. It's called steel toe non slip Spanish. It's like, you gotta work at, like, construction sites. And they speak a different kind of Spanish because it's mostly just sound effects. Like, are you Spanish, sir? You Mexican? Did you correct me if I'm wrong? In Spanish means socket wrench, right? That means soccer wrench. They would be like. They'd be like, Moreno. They gonna get a. And then, you know. Cause that means you gotta drill it out. That's drill in Spanish and means like, hey, I need you. Pay attention to me. This is good. Am I wrong about that, guys? Am I correct about that? Okay. Cause I know if you do it wrong, you don't want to disappoint them. Because when you come show them your work and it's bad, they be like, it's no good. It's no goo. That's my time. Thank y'.

[G]

All.

[B]

I love y'.

[H]

All.

[B]

Dedrick Flynn doing a minute 30 seconds. Toughest job in the business. And you never just do the bare minimums. You did an extra 30 seconds, a whole extra half a set of new material there. That is all true. That checks out.

[I]

That is.

[B]

That's the horn players and Michael Gonzalez agree with you. They're still laughing. They're laughing. The hungover Mexican guy is laughing.

[H]

Hell yeah.

[B]

This is all true. Did you say you were on a work site? How did. Where'd you come up with.

[C]

I used to build car washes. And so like my. My general. I did when I worked there. Why is that silly.

[B]

Chris is laughing very hard at the fact that you built car washes.

[C]

Snoop Dogg worked at a car wash. Car wash.

[E]

If you build a car wash, Mexicans will come. It's like Field of dreams for them.

[B]

They're good at it. So what does it take to build a car wash? Was that you just had worked for a company that only built car washes? Well, they.

[C]

They built their own and we a GM there too. So I had to like go through the whole building process like putting in the PVC pipes, bolting all the frames and Cuz it's like a. Like one of those automotive.

[B]

You liked it because there was a lot of hose.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

I love. I love. There's tons of. At the car wash. What bro does car wash. Any. Any girl that go through a breakup, she's bringing her car through the car wash to get this out of her car. Like she's got to vacuum up all his cigarettes.

[B]

Talking about a water hose. Did anyone not get my hose joke? Still seems like I haven't gotten what I deserve for the. There's a lot of hoes.

[J]

A lot of hoes.

[B]

Because it's a car wash. Just. Okay. Thank you. That's what I needed. I needed a hand clap from this beautiful. One of the hottest down syndrome women I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm a little vicious. Sorry. I'm still in roast mode. It's been a crazy weekend and you did great.

[C]

Why do they keep calling you racist? I don't. That don't make no sense. Because if you are, you're bad at it.

[B]

I know.

[C]

You can't keep changing all these. You changed my life. I don't.

[B]

I noticed there was a theme and they very rarely talked about how wildly successful my show is because it's on a different streaming company. So I think they weren't allowed to make fun of Kill Tony. Even though we worked we work with them for at least multiple episodes a year. But I don't think they like mentioning YouTube. I don't think Netflix and YouTube get along very well. We always play nice. I never mention YouTube on a net. I never say we have hundreds of episodes available on YouTube on the Netflix episodes. And it's funny. They did this weird Kevin Hart show where they find the next comedic talent, and they released that on Mondays at 8. It almost seems like they were trying to start some shit there. But, you know, I play nice. I play nice until I don't. And here we are, you.

[D]

You just

[C]

watching. You stand over the body. We were like, enough's enough, Tony. Jesus Christ. She's dead.

[B]

She's dead right there. I know. I'm playing nice. I'm trying to do.

[G]

Gotta take her to the Mexican car

[B]

wash, hose her down a little bit. You know what I mean? See what's underneath there? It's like when the. That'd be like, when the joker shows up in, like, the military police outfit that one time. He's got, like, no makeup on, but you still see the scars. Anyway, Dedrick, how did you like Los Angeles? Tell us about your week.

[C]

Well, it was fun, but them niggas stole my phone.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So, you know, and it was my first time in la, so you gotta. I mean, it was like, welcome. You know what I'm saying? Like, that happens. They took my phone. So I've been phoneless trying to figure out life. I forgot how much you need your phone until you don't. Like, I don't know how y' all niggas did comedy before, like, not having a phone. How did y' all get around? Did y' all have, like, an actual map? Were y' all pirates?

[E]

How old do you think we are,

[C]

Matt? We're friends, but pretty old.

[B]

What do you do? What do you do on the toilet with no phone?

[C]

Have you noticed I got the laptop? Laptop. Right on my knees, talking already.

[B]

The old. The old crap.

[G]

Top screen's shaking.

[F]

Jacking off.

[C]

Jack off on the toilet. You white boys are crazy.

[A]

Sir.

[B]

Oh, yeah, dude. The old double release judgment.

[E]

That's called a number three.

[C]

It's like a Blumkin.

[K]

It's, isn't it?

[B]

Well, that's a blow job on the toilet.

[C]

Okay. I'm glad we got to the bottom of it.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

God, that was plaguing my mind.

[B]

So fun. Dedrick, way to get tonight's show started.

[C]

Love y'.

[K]

All.

[B]

Thank y' all.

[K]

So.

[B]

And we're off. It has begun. That's how it's done. And now we go to the bucket, where absolutely anything can happen. Sometimes it's the next genius of the future. Sometimes it is just not. Let's see what happens here. Your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Ivy Miller. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.

[L]

Hello, I'm Ivy. I am from California.

[B]

Yeah, hold on, hold on.

[L]

I'm from a place called San Diego. And in San Diego, everyone is blonde and everyone is in workout gear. And all the children sound like they're named after energy drinks.

[B]

Slater, Rocket. And Jake.

[L]

The less you care in San Diego, the cooler you are. No one has a job, only perfect abs. We have our own language in San Diego as well. And if you ever get lost and you need to communicate with a local, you just pretend you're coming out of surgery and it kind of sounds like. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Thank you.

[B]

All right, Ivy Miller, I'd love to

[A]

have you on the secret show.

[B]

Unbelievable. Red band. Un believable.

[G]

I want to learn more about San Diego.

[B]

Yeah, Ivy, I could tell you're from San Diego. Cuz Beach. You didn't get one laugh during your set.

[E]

No, I'm kidding.

[B]

See what I did there? How long you been doing stand up, Ivy?

[L]

About three months now.

[B]

Perfect. That's. I was glad after you said three, I was happy to hear months. I also would have accepted weeks and days as a possible answer. Months is good. Thank God for that. What made you want to start standup three months ago?

[L]

It terrifies me. I just wanted to scare myself and face my feet.

[B]

I love it. That's fun. What have you been doing your whole life? What else have you been doing?

[L]

I lifeguard. And that's redband.

[B]

Come on, be a professional here. You're a lifeguard? Is that what you've been doing most of your life?

[L]

Yes.

[B]

How many lives have you saved?

[L]

Quite a bit. It gets quite busy.

[B]

Okay, if you had to guess what the ethnicity is, what the percentage of ethnicities is of the people that you have to save. Realistically Latino. Really?

[L]

Yes.

[M]

Wow.

[B]

I thought, like, rocks. Oh, my goodness gracious. I did not know that. They just go. I can't. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[L]

No, they just swim with all their clothes.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. They do. And it weighs them down.

[L]

It's not them, it's the clothes.

[B]

Unbelievable. Is this true, you guys? Let's check in with our. Oh, no. They're disagreeing over here. These guys are. As you could tell, they're all aerodynamically built to Swim properly. Aerodynamic, if you will. Incredible. So you've saved a lot of lives. Any close calls with someone, like, kind of basically dead, and you had to give them mouth to mouth like Wendy Peppercorn in the sandlot, and all of a sudden they're just hard as a rock and Al.

[L]

Yes.

[B]

Perfect. Very good. Red Band's about to be faking a drowning in San Diego next week. Oh, no. I sank to the bottom. He does. He does swim with all of his clothes on, by the way. So no doubt about it. Red Band isn't taken off a shirt outside of his apartment in years. I love it. Ivy, what's your love life like? You got a man?

[L]

I'm recently single.

[B]

Oh. How long was that? You are out of control tonight. I told you to start jerking off before the shows. You're a little wild animal. Have a Zippix toothpick. Relax. Zip more, smoke less. Okay. How long was the relationship that you were in?

[L]

Six months.

[B]

Six months. Okay. And why are you recently single? How did it end? Why didn't it work out? What do you think happened there?

[L]

There was a mismatch in the drive department.

[B]

Drive department. Sex drive.

[L]

Like motivation. Just in general. And I think I even.

[B]

I pulled a red band on that one. Even. I was like, tribe sex drive. All right. Distance. Right. He didn't live in San Diego?

[L]

No, he lived in Europe.

[B]

Oh, well, that'll do it. Yeah. Yeah. What part of Europe?

[L]

Portugal.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[E]

Europe. San Diego.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And where'd you meet this guy? San Diego.

[L]

Portugal.

[B]

You were in Portugal? Yeah. How long were you in Portugal for?

[L]

Oh, I live in Portugal half the year.

[B]

Why do you live in Portugal half the year?

[L]

For the surf and lifeguarding.

[B]

Oh, okay. How long have you been surfing? Your whole life? Yes. Wow. So you're just a real beach bum. That's your thing? Yeah. Interesting. What's. Portugal has good waves. Yes.

[F]

Yeah.

[L]

In the summer, and then it gets massive. So I just like the summer.

[B]

What are the Portuguese people like?

[L]

They're lovely.

[B]

What's the stereotype about them? Strangely, I'm a master of the racist arts. And I don't know how I would make fun of a Portuguese. Do you?

[G]

Sounds like they're lazy,

[L]

stubborn. Are they really stubborn?

[B]

Wow.

[L]

Just. I appreciate it because things stay the same, but they like things the way they are.

[J]

Right.

[B]

Do you speak Portuguese? No.

[L]

I'm working on it.

[B]

Wow. So you just go there and you're just like this American bimbo that's just out? Yeah. Wow. Amazing. Ivy. What else? What do you do for fun, other

[L]

than water sports, I like to snowboard. I surf and snowboard a lot.

[B]

Okay.

[L]

And I like to. I'm really into journaling and, like, self work.

[G]

I hate your life. I hate your life so much. This is the worst life I've ever heard.

[L]

Yeah, it doesn't.

[G]

And you want to get into comedy. Your life's great.

[B]

Yeah. The fuck are you doing?

[G]

You're living an endless summer. Surfing and lifeguarding.

[B]

Stay away. It's true. I've never heard of an energy drink that sounds like Slater or Jake. Was. Did you, like, mess that up? Was Jake planned?

[L]

Well, you know, I thought the Slater. Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

You don't know?

[L]

Well, the Slater. It just sounds like they've all got X's and Z's and Zephyr and, you know, it just, like, keeps going and then. But there's, like, so many Jakes.

[B]

There's a very. In your world, I think there's a lot of Jakes I could picture. What's up? My name's Jake. What's your name? All right, Ivy. Fun times. Here's a little joke book. You got the first bucket pool. You are the first bucket pool of the night.

[L]

Thank you.

[B]

Keep doing it if you love it. I mean, you got a lot of work to do, Ivy.

[L]

Thank you.

[B]

You're about as funny as a fucking plastic cup. But. But. Chase your dreams. I love you, Red Band. You can't say things like that.

[M]

Oh,

[B]

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Ladies and gentlemen, the best in the world. Heidy regina.com. hey, y'. All. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard, it's terrifying. So much work goes into this thing that you're not entirely sure it'll work out. And it can be hard to make that leap of faith. Trust me, I know. When I started this podcast, I wasn't even sure what I was doing. What if no one listens? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if no one buys into the show? Why would anybody buy tickets to a show that's free on YouTube? Now I know that I was right in believing in myself and launching my podcasts. No matter what the mainstream media says or haters and trolls. It also helps when you have a partner like Shopify on your side to help Red ban Tony.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Red Ban I love my tobos. I strut all around Austin wearing them. They are seriously the most comfortable boots I've ever worn.

[B]

That is incredible. Red band right now. Get 10% [e-mail] kill Tony when you sign up for email and text that's 10% off at t c o v.com Kil Tony toovas.com Kil Tony see site for details to Covas Point your toes west okay, we're gonna keep it moving along your second bucket pool of the night on a show in which clearly anything can happen and no one is too under qualified to sign up. Make some noise for BK everyone. Here we go.

[H]

Thank you. So being Middle Eastern, I realized my childhood was very different from my white friends. So for instance, during summer breaks, my white friend's parents would send them to summer camp. My parents would send me to refugee camp. They learned new things like horseback riding. I learned how to ride the village donkey. I was so mad the camel was gone though. My friends would brag about like how many friends they made. They were like oh I got all these pen pals. I'm gonna write letters. I was so sad. I didn't meet a single friend, but I did meet, like, 85 cousins. That was just on my mom's side, though. I still have to write checks to them every summer. My last friend, though, he was so excited. He met the girl of his dreams and he had his first kiss. I also met a girl. She was my first cousin.

[B]

Go ahead, finish it. Go ahead.

[H]

What is the girl of my mother's dreams?

[B]

Okay. Yeah, there was nothing there. Bk, what is going on? You're about as funny as a San Diego ego lifeguard. Holy. Dude. How long you been doing stand up?

[H]

I started in 2008.

[B]

Jesus Christ, dude. 18 years. You've been doing this long enough that your career could buy a pack of cigarettes.

[H]

Yeah, well, I had to take a break.

[B]

Please tell me it was a 17 year break.

[H]

Yeah, it was. I had a stroke.

[B]

Really?

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I could. I could kind of see that. What happened? How long ago was the stroke?

[H]

Yeah, I lost my speech and language and, you know, it was about, like, a year for recovery. And then how did.

[B]

Do you know what caused the stroke? What was going on? What were you doing?

[H]

Just hanging out, talking to my friend, getting ready for a show. And then God was like, you know what? You ain't doing that show tonight.

[B]

Wow. God saved that audience. Holy shit. Look at God. Works in mysterious ways, people. One man's stroke is another man's joke. You know what I mean? Incredible. So how long ago did this stroke happen?

[H]

2010.

[B]

Right. Okay. And all of a sudden, what, your face. Half your face went numb or your hand or what?

[H]

No, like, my arm went numb and I just was like, you know What? And then 30 seconds later, it came back to life. But I was, like, trying to say, like. Like, holy crap. Whatever this happened, I was just.

[F]

Fuck.

[B]

You turn into red band. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Do you smoke? Did you smoke?

[G]

No.

[H]

I should have, though.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you might as well have.

[G]

But when did you start speaking again?

[H]

Took about like a month for, like, Annunciation.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Again, hoping it was way longer.

[H]

No, it really sucked. But, like, I remember the doctor, Nigerian doctor. He's like, Mr. Khalil, did you do any drugs? I'm like, no, because my mom was there a pair, you know? So even if I did, I would be like, no.

[B]

Where did this happen at? Why did you have a Nigerian doctor? Do you not have insurance? What's going on here?

[H]

No, I. I grew up in the ghetto. Patterson, New Jersey.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. And your doctor Was Nigerian. What was that like?

[H]

He was an ER doctor, so. But then I got the white doctor after.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[H]

Like to do the heart surgery.

[B]

All right.

[H]

The Jewish.

[G]

They escalated it.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

I don't know.

[B]

Amazing. Okay, so recovery's been good. What's your life like now? What do you do for work?

[H]

So I was just working I. T. At a big fintech company. Got laid off Wednesday.

[B]

You got laid off? How long were you with them?

[H]

Eight years.

[B]

Eight years and randomly laid off out of nowhere?

[H]

Yeah.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

So what are you planning on doing that's so interesting? You're at a monumental moment in your

[H]

life trying to get back into comedy. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. What else? What's a second option here?

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Trying to figure out what else we could possibly do.

[H]

Maybe music. I'll get back into music.

[B]

What did you do musically?

[H]

I used to leave. Be a front man for a band. Right. Original songs and stuff.

[B]

Okay, can we hear some. Can we hear an example of your. An original song? You tell the band a ballpark of what to do. These guys.

[H]

I play guitar, though.

[B]

These guys?

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, we want to hear you sing. We have a great guitarist here that can do whatever you want. Is it A. What Is it a D into a G, you know, D, A B.

[H]

Wait.

[B]

D, a B. D.B. oh, he's having it. He's having another stroke, everybody.

[H]

D.B. d, B, A, G. Like. Like standard punk music? Yeah, it's called Better off dead.

[B]

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the Strokes.

[A]

Everybody starts at B.

[H]

It starts at D. The Strokes. I used to ride my skateboard down your street every day but you know.

[B]

Come on, lose yourself in it. Damn it. All right, all right.

[I]

There you go.

[B]

Used to ride my skateboard down your street every day but now when I see you, you just turn the other way we used to call me on

[H]

the phone every single night but now when I see you, you just end

[B]

up in a fight. Everything you said stuck in my head.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

All right, all right, all right. I agree. I do think you're better off dead. BK this is amazing, dude. After seeing you do comedy, it's very clear. And after seeing you do music that you should be getting another job in it. This is absolutely amazing.

[H]

Are you guys hiring?

[B]

No.

[N]

All right. Fuck.

[B]

You have a good sense of humor, though. You're rolling with everything. Good. You love doing comedy.

[H]

I love it.

[B]

And how long have you lived in Austin?

[H]

Eight years.

[B]

Wow. Eight years. Amazing. What do you love about Austin?

[H]

The scene. The music scene.

[B]

You have a girlfriend?

[H]

I got a wife. 12 years.

[B]

Oh, nice so she stuck by you through the stroke and everything? No, that was before.

[H]

That was before.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. What does she do?

[H]

She's a housewife. Baby mama.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[B]

What did she say when you got laid off? What. What's going on at the house right now?

[D]

Is it.

[B]

Are tensions high?

[H]

No, she. She's actually in Egypt right now. She left.

[B]

When did she leave? Thursday. Yeah, Friday. Wow, really? Was that a planned trip?

[H]

It was planned. Okay.

[B]

But what is she doing in Egypt?

[H]

Her family's from Gaza.

[B]

Oh, perfect. She's saying, yeah, what could possibly go wrong?

[G]

So, yeah, try to sneak back in.

[B]

We need you.

[E]

I was gonna say you're bombing here. She's bombing.

[B]

Yeah. Yes. You know, life's rough with BK when she's like, I'm gonna head off to Gaza for a little bit.

[H]

She's like, good luck. No, she was very supportive though. She's like, I've been with you 12 years and I've never been insecure about, you know, your hustle. And you just get back on your feet.

[B]

It's great and stuff. You have someone by your side. Your genocide Gaza right now, everybody genocide happening. Now that I'm not in LA anymore, I can talk about about it. Yay. All right, bk, you know you're getting on your feet. The stroke is finally wearing off. There's a medium sized joke, but thank you so much. We're just going to keep it moving along. There he goes, BK everybody. There he goes. Get out of here. All right, on to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. It's Martin Malloy, everybody. Martin Malloy on.

[M]

Hi, I'm Marty. The. The optimist sees the glasses half full. My paranoid schizophrenic. So I see two glasses and one of them wants to kill me. Chicks dig mentally ill guys. That's what my cats tell me. I went to Paris. I didn't have to buy a plane ticket. I just took mushrooms and watched ratatouille. I like this crowd. You remind me of my ex girlfriend. She also liked the last guy better. Someone told me the 90s called and they want their hairstyle back. I said, really? The 90s called and you didn't warn them about 9 11?

[B]

Martin Malloy, you got one more. Whatever the fuck you want to do. Let's go, dude, I don't give a fuck. Fucking go do a one hour special. Let's go.

[M]

That joke costs a $20 haircut, five dollar tip and over 3,900American lives. That's it. I'm Martin Malloy.

[B]

Holy. What the fuck is this? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ Almighty. Look at this guy. I had no idea Shane Gillis had a brother. This is amazing. Holy shit. You're a monster. I love your jokes. I love your stage presence. I love everything about you.

[M]

Yeah, stage presence.

[B]

Talk into that microphone, you wild beast.

[M]

The stage presence I don't do on purpose. I really do have schizophrenia and that's the way I have to be. It's. It's my nervous habits.

[B]

I love it. The Chris o' Connor dude.

[G]

I love it when a head and shoulders can only f point in one direction. It's amazing. Just right down the barrel. Comedy, it rules.

[B]

I love it, man. I. I love your schizophrenia. All of your personalities were funnier than the other bucket pools we've had here, here tonight.

[M]

Thank you.

[B]

Hell yeah. This is amazing. Martin, how long have you been doing standup?

[M]

Since November 2004. But I couldn't do it for 6 years cuz I had an enlarged prostate and had to pee over three minutes. So I. So I couldn't work, so I had to live in a group home. They wouldn't give me a. A catheter.

[E]

Is that a good enough answer?

[B]

Tony?

[E]

No excuses.

[B]

God damn it. Look at this fucking guy. This is incredible. Martin, you are a freak. You're a natural. I love it. You're so funny. Holy shit. Can I ask how old you are?

[M]

I'm 60 years old. Turn 60 on March 25th.

[B]

You turned it on Mother's Day on

[M]

March 25th, I turned 60.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yeah, that happened. You're 60. You might know me.

[M]

I'm under. My stage name was Schizo Bill. I was on OP And Anthony. I don't know if you remember that episode.

[B]

Wow.

[M]

I do. Okay.

[B]

He was. Yeah. Wow. Starstruck.

[M]

Martin, when I. When I was working at McDonald's, the guy. The guy that dressed as Ronald McDonald came in and he was a fan of Opie and Anthony and he knew me.

[B]

You are adorable. What else have you been doing your whole life? You worked at McDonald's for how long?

[M]

For about. For about two years on three different times.

[B]

Okay.

[M]

So I would leave and come back.

[B]

Amazing. Why would you leave and come back?

[M]

Try and get better jobs. But I never did.

[B]

Son of a.

[M]

Right now I drive Lyft and make hair. H. Half my income is standup comedy.

[B]

Amazing.

[M]

I sell wristbands and stuff like that for merchandise. And I sell wristbands that say Made in USA by illegals. You can get them at Salty, not sweet. Gift shop in Lakewood, Ohio.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Shout out, Lakewood, Ohio. You are.

[M]

Can I drop my. My Instagram or website?

[B]

You can do anything you want right now, Martin. Giving you the Timmy no breaks treatment. This is just your show right now, Martin.

[M]

My Instagram is Cleveland comedian and my website is very funny comedy.com and my website leads to my Instagram.

[B]

Okay. Absolutely. I only have about 230more questions for you, Martin. So we could have saved those plugs for the end, but I like that they're in the middle because it's a little bit off, just like you. It's very fitting on the branding side. So you're 60 years old. You're originally from Cleveland, Ohio.

[M]

Yeah.

[B]

Perfect.

[M]

Yeah, I, I, I grew up in the same town that Logan and Jake Paul did. I used to watch them wrestle when I. When, When.

[B]

Yeah, they were wrestlers in high school.

[M]

I was an alumni wrestler, too.

[B]

Amazing.

[M]

I used to go back and watch this Lake way. What?

[B]

At Lakeway.

[M]

Oh, Westlake.

[B]

Westlake, that's right. And you're a fan of the Cleveland Indians? I'm taking it.

[M]

Yeah.

[B]

Right, Absolutely. And the Cavaliers.

[M]

Yeah. And sort of the Browns.

[B]

Right. I know it's rough out there for a Brown span.

[M]

It's rough.

[B]

I'm pretty sure the head coach feels the same way.

[M]

I noticed they got Deshaun Watt. Watson is first in the depth chart on the QB right now.

[B]

Okay. What does that mean to you?

[M]

That means he's probably going to start this season.

[B]

Yep.

[G]

You think it should be Shador?

[M]

Maybe.

[G]

Who do you think it should be?

[M]

Shadur, I think

[G]

talking to two different people.

[M]

Schizo thing checks out.

[B]

So, Martin, you still live in Cleveland or did you move here?

[M]

I live in Cleveland.

[B]

Nice.

[M]

I traveled here just to get on this show and luckily I got picked.

[B]

That's amazing. When did you get here? Today or yesterday?

[M]

I got, I got here yesterday.

[B]

Okay. Amazing. Incredible. And when do you leave? Tomorrow.

[M]

Tomorrow? Yeah.

[B]

Wow. So you came here just for this?

[M]

Yeah. If there's any comedians out there, if there's a mic I can hit later on this night, let me know.

[B]

You are something else. I love your style, Mark Martin.

[A]

When you were on Opie and Anthony, I remember you. Also on Ron and Fez, I remember Bill Burr used to roast you and everything.

[M]

Yeah. Bill Bur and Jim Norton tried to get me to kill myself for like an hour.

[B]

Wow.

[M]

I didn't do it, obviously, but. But they drove me so crazy, I was considering calling the mental hospital. I've had shock treatments. I do Jokes about them.

[B]

Wow. Martin, I love you. What's your love life like?

[M]

Non existent. There's this girl, Julia Mary, she's a comedian. I'm working on hooking up with her, but it's not working out.

[B]

Have you tried, have you talked with her before?

[M]

Yes, I'm talking to her and she wants me to buy a house. And then she'll. She said she'll go out with me.

[B]

She said if you. If you buy her a house.

[M]

If I buy a house. And I guess she wants to move in. I don't know.

[B]

Sounds like a hell of a deal, Martin. What?

[M]

I. I'm. I'm looking on Habitat for Humanity to get a house. I was on Last Comic Standing too. Let me tell you that story.

[B]

Yeah.

[M]

I responded to an ad that's saying you had to wear a costume. And so I wore a straight jacket and I told some jokes and they really weren't laughing. And then I told my final joke. I said my illness roused me the ability to feel emotional, compassionate, like normal people. That's why I'm a Republican. And the judges laughed like crazy. But they edited out those judges. They put in Norm from Cheers saying we have to pass. And I was never in the same room with Norm from Chairs.

[K]

Wow.

[E]

Nothing you're not used to.

[B]

That is amazing. Isn't it crazy how those big productions, those big television productions that aren't real and aren't raw and are overreal and.

[M]

I'm going to use Talk space.

[B]

I love that. That's right.

[M]

I'm gonna use Talkspace. And if you invite me back here, I'll come and tell everyone how Talk space went.

[G]

Can't pass that up.

[B]

That's amazing, Martin. Absolutely incredible. What else about your life would we find interesting?

[M]

60 years, I go to the frog jump. Every year. My nephew.

[B]

What's the frog jump?

[F]

Jump.

[M]

It's a Valley city frog jump. You jump. You put a frog in the middle of a spread out parachute and you jump it three times and they measure the distance from the center.

[B]

Wow.

[M]

And I. I had the second longest jump one year.

[O]

Wow.

[B]

Unbelievable.

[G]

Wait, are you jumping or is it frog?

[M]

The frog is jumping. And this is a sad story. The first time, I.

[B]

Let me guess. You once. When the first time you did it, you accidentally squeezed the frog to death.

[M]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You really did.

[M]

Yeah. They told me to hold on to it tight and I. And I killed it. I used to do a joke about it, but they got too depressed about it.

[B]

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

[A]

I I did the same thing my

[B]

first time I was ever on.

[I]

On TV.

[A]

I was 10 years old, and they were filming me, and I was going like this next to the frog so it would jump as a jumping frog jumping contest. And right when they got to me, I was like, oh, my God, I'm on tv. And I hit the frog and broke.

[B]

So much funnier when he does it. Jesus Christ,

[M]

Man.

[G]

It's so funny to be like that happened to me.

[B]

Yeah. This is how we find out. Red Band is officially it. I'll tell you what, Martin Moloy, there's an open mic happening on the other side of the building in the other room right now. I'm going to send you with the producers backstage, and they're going to. And they're going to give you a short set there. I think it's about three minutes.

[M]

That's fine.

[B]

If you had to guess how much.

[M]

One more. One more thing to drop.

[B]

Okay, Drop it. Drop it.

[M]

The. The joke I did about the cats. Chick stick me. But. But that's what. That's what my cats tell me. Chick stick mentally ill guys. That's what my cats tell me. Those are on sale at Salty Nuts Weed in Lakewood, Ohio, too.

[B]

Martin, you are an unbelievable human being. And at 60 years old, when. With all of your experience doing it since 2004, I find you so intriguing. And it shocks me all the time on this show when people come here with this or that. And whether it's a condition or a this, whatever it may be, for some reason in this crazy world, I think this is an art form where maybe being a little bit off or sad or up or down, I think it's gets kind of built for people that are a little up.

[M]

Yeah. And I'm fine now because I'm on medication.

[B]

Anyway, what I'm getting at is I get a lot of. For helping people that are a little bit wacky, But God damn it, every single thing about you is absolutely, absolutely hilarious.

[M]

Thank you.

[B]

You're an undeniable force. And with that said, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Godzilla. Martin Malloy, everybody. Thank you, buddy. Martin Malloy. Congratulations, buddy. Wave, Martin. Martin, Martin. Wave to these people. Take a bow. They love you. Amazing.

[E]

From the golden arches.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. To the golden ticket right now. He's in the back, squeezing it so hard that it broke.

[E]

He. He oddly didn't seem to give a. Yeah, see that.

[B]

By the way, if there's a comedian out there that wants to talk about how many special needs People I help out. I'd love to let you do a minute and then him do a minute and we'll see who's funnier instead of talking online. Come on. Come challenge one of these guys. I love it. Of Martin. Funny throughout the entire thing. Sometimes I'm just asking questions, waiting for them to not be funny, and every time I'm like, son of a. But that guy's hilarious, by the way.

[A]

You have to watch them try to kill Bill Burr and Jim Norton. It's amazing.

[B]

It's on YouTube. Okay. Yeah.

[J]

All right.

[B]

Thank you. Go watch it now. Turn off this episode and go watch an old episode. Episode of Opie and Anthony, everybody. It's a. It's a real hoot if you were alive in the 70s. Anyway. All right, let's keep it. I love.

[G]

I loved when you were like, a lot of people. Give me about helping up, up people.

[M]

He's like, no, I'm fine.

[B]

I'll be great.

[G]

Go to Salt and Shelton.

[B]

Sweet.

[G]

I really. I want to, like, I want a trip. I feel like we should all go to Salty and Sweet. Just show up there.

[B]

Oh, man. Shock the world. Do the frog jump. See which one of our frogs wins. Sounds like it sounds like a lot of fun, actually.

[L]

So good, so good, so good.

[B]

Everything you want for summer is at Nordstrom Rack stores now and up to 60% off. Stock up and save on the brands you love, like Vince, Sam, Edelman, Frame, and Free people. Join the NordicLub to unlock exclusive discounts. Shop new arrivals first and more. Plus, buy online and pick up at your favorite rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You know, recently I hired somebody who was not only qualified, but also genuinely interested in my open role. And that really influenced my decision to hire them. They were eager to learn more about the job. I knew they wanted to work for me. They seemed like a good fit, and their excitement about the role made them stand out. If you're hiring, you want a candidate who's passionate about your role. But you can't get that insight from a resume unless you post your job on ZipRecruiter. And right now, you could try it for [e-mail] kill Tony Redband.

[O]

Oh, man.

[A]

Tony. I've been loving ZipRecruiter for so long. It's the best hiring site around. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds qualified candidates quickly. And ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested, qualified candidates first so you meet the right people faster. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2.

[B]

I mean, seriously, it's just the most important thing that if you're going to hire somebody, you want somebody that wants the job that you're hiring for on ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who boast on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com killTony. ZipRecruiter. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. All right, we're doing it. This episode is bumping. This episode brought to you by Bluechew Prize Picks and Zippix. So fun. Zip more, smoke less. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of George S.C. lee. George Essaly.

[N]

Ugh. Ugh. Hello, comedy mothership. One day after mother's day, daddy's home. It is I, ugly ryan gosling. Your last comic was a dream come true. Here comes the nightmare. And I just got back from the retard strangling competition, and boy, is my neck sore. This guy got second place in the retard strangling competition. Look how thin it. My name is George, and if I look weird or creepy, it's because I am. I'm an Arab man. Even though I look like a Mexican woman, every cartel member has a picture of me in their wallet that says, do it for her. I want the bear.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

You got it, George.

[N]

Give me the beer.

[B]

George, how are you? Okay. Roar. There you go. All right, Red band. I can't believe you played into that, but okay. Hi, George. How are you?

[N]

Hello, Anthony. How are you tonight?

[B]

Great. I'm great. Relax and take a breath for a second. Okay. How long you been doing stand up, George?

[N]

Ten years.

[B]

Where at?

[N]

Canada.

[B]

What part of Canada?

[N]

Montreal.

[B]

Wow. Amazing. And what type of Arab are you?

[N]

Lebanese.

[B]

Okay.

[N]

Yeah. Habibi.

[B]

Okay. I love it. What do you do for work, George?

[N]

I'm in between bushes right now. Anthony.

[B]

What is that?

[N]

I live in a bush and I drink the breast milk of lost pets.

[B]

Somehow you're crazier than the last guy. It's amazing.

[N]

Please, no loud noises. I'm autistic.

[E]

I think he's one of the voices on the last guy's head.

[B]

Oh, my.

[N]

Last place strangling competition.

[B]

All right, George, let him. Let people talk a little bit. You're being a little Little wild over here. I'll allow it. Okay, thank you.

[E]

Thanks.

[B]

So, George, you've been doing it 10 years. Tell us more about your life. What else is going on? What have you done this entire time? How old are you?

[N]

I'm 29.

[B]

Okay, no, you're not. You're definitely not George.

[N]

I'm 50 in forehead years.

[B]

Okay. What are you in real life?

[P]

What?

[N]

Okay, I'm a stand up comedian.

[B]

How old are you?

[N]

29.

[B]

No, you're not.

[N]

You took my ID, Anthony.

[B]

Are you really?

[N]

Prove it.

[B]

Are you really 29?

[N]

I'm 29. I started stand up when I was 19. This is the result.

[B]

Wow. That's incredible. Holy amazing.

[N]

That's right.

[B]

You're born in Montreal.

[N]

Ottawa, Ontario, baby.

[B]

Right. Absolutely amazing. And let's check in with Chris o' Connor here.

[G]

It's just hard to go from real weird to fake weird.

[B]

Yeah, it is. You know what I mean? I'm with you.

[G]

We had the genuine article up here.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the real deal.

[G]

Now he's inventing retard strangling crap.

[P]

Yeah.

[G]

Sucks.

[B]

It is true. Martin Malloy is a very tough follow. It is a very tough follow.

[G]

Stinks.

[B]

Yeah. I'm sorry. No, it's true.

[N]

First place.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Does that mean I'm retarded or getting strangled?

[J]

I don't know.

[G]

Oh, really? Well, this guy knows.

[B]

George, any other fun facts about your life that we might find interesting?

[N]

Well, I got my dicks, I got a glory hole and I used to have sex with prostitutes.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[E]

See, I would have never guessed that.

[N]

I'm an open book.

[B]

Are you? Yeah, what is it? A coloring book. George, what made you stop hooking up with prostitutes?

[N]

I have a girlfriend now.

[B]

Anthony, where'd you meet this girl?

[N]

At Montreal, at a comedy show.

[B]

She came up to you after the show and said what?

[N]

I love you.

[B]

Wow. Straight to love. Amazing George. Here's a medium sized joke book, buddy. Oh, very good. All right, there he goes. George Essaly, everybody. Gonna keep it moving along. There goes George, everyone. We have a golden ticket winner. Right? See back there, Colt, I mean, there you go. All right, sweet. We have a golden ticket winner that you know, that has done many one minute sets. We found him here in the great state of Texas many years ago and now he's a full time comedian. Makes a some noise is the return of the great Enrique Chacone, everybody. Enrique is back.

[F]

I had a bad dick day the other day. You ever disappoint your girl so much? You have a bad dick day that you Enroll into college. I had a bad dick day. I had to clean the whole house, bro. My dick was so bad, man, I had to call up a friend. And they told me to go to the gas station and get some boner pills. So I'm at the Circle K gas station buying dick pills. And the first thing I realized is that everybody there knows that my dick doesn't work. So I'm choosing the boner pills. And there's no ingredients. Now I gotta choose the boner pill based on the animal and the explosion behind it. I found one that said the vanilla gorilla, bro. I'm like, if I take this shit, am I gonna start fucking like Brock Lesnar and break all my IKEA furniture? I found one that said the Black Mamba. I'm like, if I take this shit, am I gonna start fucking like Kobe Bryant? Unconsensually? I found a third one. It was the strongest looking animal. It said the Black Rhino. I took that shit. I thought I was gonna take my girl to a safari. But nah, man, I ended up going to the urgent care. Cause my heart broke. It would have stopped eating. Sure there's bad dick out there, but have you ever had dick that financially disables your family? Because that's way worse. Anyways, but that's been my minute. Thank y'.

[K]

All.

[B]

Enrique Chacon with a whole minute on dick pills.

[P]

Yes, sir.

[F]

How you doing, Tony?

[B]

I'm fantastic. Is that true? Have you been eating dick pills?

[F]

Well, sometimes, Tony, you just don't feel a little too confident. You know, I don't have a Blue Chew sponsor or whatever the fuck.

[B]

Yeah, you should be doing Bluechew. Those gas station boner pills are unregulated and absolutely, you know, they could be anything. You don't know what you're getting in there. A lot of them are made in the bathtubs of. Of immigrants.

[F]

Whoa, Tony, chill. Talk about immigrants, son.

[B]

I mean, you know, hey, man, look,

[F]

I felt like I was dying and I was scared for my dick was hard, bro. You know, I only needed like 10 minutes to just, like, satisfy my girl, you know, and get on with my life and drop out of college again, you know? That's all I needed.

[E]

You should never get boner pills at the same place you get lottery tickets.

[B]

Yeah, you should try Bluechew. And they have the new Bluechew gold. Which actually activates chemicals in your brain. And also the physical aspect. So you actually enjoy it more. And your partner will enjoy it more. Use the promo code. Kill Tony. And we love Bluechew.

[F]

Well, thank you. Hook it up, Tony. Hook it the up, man. You know, help me help my relationship out, dude. I want to marry this girl one day, bro. I gotta put out.

[B]

So what's going on? Is she. Is she complaining a little bit like Enrique? You're not. What do I know?

[F]

You come a little too fast, bro. What can you do but, like make peanut butter sandwiches afterwards, you know?

[B]

How fast are we talking? One pump. You just throw it in there and just nut right away.

[F]

I mean, bro, come on, at least give me like eight pumps, you know, and like a few loud grunts, bro. But it was something like that, you know, you. Dude, shut the up. This is some personal. That I'm telling y', all, bro. You know?

[B]

Is that what's going on? Eight pumps, you know?

[F]

You know what? I. I didn't. I don't really go to the gym, bro, but I was building a goat fence, you know, and you use your legs a lot. Outlive in the country, man. What the is wrong with y', all, bro? Y' all don't build your own fences, dude. I had a huge ass log, bro. I'm lifting these logs, bro. My legs are weak. And whenever I do work out my legs, bro. Don't judge me, Matt. Whenever I do work out my legs, you know, that I just feel like, you know, I don't get as hard, bro.

[H]

You.

[C]

Connor?

[B]

What the.

[F]

Dude, I thought this was the bro table, bro.

[G]

What the.

[E]

Yeah, that's how bros talk.

[F]

Never had a heart of heart. You son of a bitch.

[G]

Start fucking goats or something. What is a goat story?

[F]

I'm a country boy now, man. I live out in a seven acre farm with my girl, bro. And I need to have kids, dude. There's a lot of fucking chores, man. I'm getting baby fever, bro. This is a lot of work.

[B]

I think baby fever might be the fourth disease on your list of. What's wrong with you? You're sweating a lot tonight. You've always been a sweater. Seems a little bit worse than normal. I'm watching a giant drip come down your forehead right now in real time. Crazy.

[F]

When I. It feels like it's a water bed afterwards, you know?

[B]

All eight pumps. This is all eight puffs.

[F]

You son of a. Wow. Yeah.

[A]

Do you do any foreplay at all before you do the pumping? Like, I always try to make the girl come a few times before I even put my dick in dinner.

[B]

Sure.

[F]

I believe that.

[B]

I don't believe there's not a human in the world. I told you about my barber Shop. Tell us. Tell us through the process. Why don't you teach? Let's do our.

[F]

Help me out.

[B]

Senior Foreplay correspondent, Brian Redband.

[A]

So on Amazon, there's this three dick of dildo collections. One smaller, bigger, and one's crazy. They're all black.

[B]

It's called the barber shop.

[A]

I highly recommend it.

[B]

So what do you do with these? You're just saying otherwise. Other things that do the job that supposedly you do.

[C]

Eating.

[B]

And so you're eating well with a dildo. And then eventually you take your. I can't take it anymore.

[A]

I can't. Then you. Her.

[F]

It's like, I'm done.

[A]

See, it's over.

[B]

Like, can't take that anymore. I can't take it. That sounds like rape.

[F]

We just need to buy some black dildos and golden blue chew.

[B]

Right? That's how you make a baby. You just stick a black dildo and just keep jamming it. And then.

[F]

This is gonna save my relationship, dude.

[B]

Yeah, this is great. And when she's crying, just say, red band told me to do that.

[F]

It's kind of weird, man. I'm not gonna even mention Redband. Imagine that she's coming and I'm like, red band said hello.

[I]

Nah.

[F]

And I'm not gonna do that.

[A]

We're really doing it to you.

[F]

But yeah. Yeah, that and I guess I have a white mother in law now, you know. She came to visit my girls. Half black, half white. White, you know.

[B]

Really?

[F]

Yeah. Thank God she got a black booty, you know. Always been into black, you know.

[O]

Wow.

[F]

And yeah, so. But it's not a regular white lady. Like Matt's mom. Maybe. Maybe Matt, you know, it's like a Alabama white lady, dude. Like, she doesn't make muffins or anything. Like she catches cats, you know? That's what she does.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah.

[E]

So my mom is way cooler than your girl's mom. And she's Mexican.

[B]

That's right.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Enrique, a fun set. Get. Get it together, but get that dick hard and do better.

[F]

Dude, help me out with the Bluetooth, man. And I'll be hard next time, bro.

[B]

Absolutely. Let's get. Let's get Enrique some blue chew on his way out. We have some on the other side of the curtain.

[F]

Thank y' all so much, man.

[C]

Appreciate it. There he goes.

[B]

Enrique Chacone. Everybody back to the bucket we go. That's what we do for our people here. We get your dick hard. This is Kill Tony. Ready to soundtrack your summer with Red Bull. Summer all day play. You choose a playlist that Fits your summer vibe the best. Are you a festival fanatic, a deep end dj, a road dog, or a trail mixer? Just add a song to your chosen playlist and put your summer on track. Red Bull Summer All Day play. Red Bull gives you wings. Visit red bull.com brightsummerahead to learn more. See you this summer. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips. That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your your needs so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online@state farm.com like a good neighbor, State Farm is there next to bucket pool. He goes by the name of Greg McCowan, everybody. We're going to meet Greg. All together now.

[J]

What's going on, Austin?

[F]

Sup?

[J]

Oh, so a lot's been going on in my life recently. I started dating this new girl. She's actually very spontaneous. And I speak for a lot of men here when I say we love spontaneous women. Like, she's the type of girl that be like, bae, come over here real quick. And I'll come over and she'll be

[F]

like,

[J]

I want you to put my dick in the Cheerios and let me drink the milk out of the bowl. That's the type of spontaneity I like. That's the type of spontaneity I think it was because, like, my last girl, she wasn't really spontaneous. Spontaneous. I love how everybody laughs at that. Yeah, she was not really spontaneous at all, bro. She was hella crazy. She was hella fucking crazy. Like, it's crazy when you find out she's crazy halfway during the game of Monopoly. Very crazy. Like, halfway through the game, she'll just say stuff that's like, passive aggressive to try to hurt me. She'll be saying stuff like, like, how you buying up all the houses around the board yet we're playing Monopoly in a studio apartment. Like, let that make sense. Like, it made no sense. The made no sense. It was crazy.

[B]

Especially when she's like, all right, there you go. You want to finish it, Greg? Do I want to finish you close to the end there?

[J]

No, I actually had, like, another 30 seconds left.

[B]

Okay, well, yeah, I'm gonna stop you there. All right, great. So let's talk about it. This is a girlfriend or just a girl you've been seeing?

[J]

Girlfriend now, officially, couple weeks now.

[B]

And she's Black.

[J]

Yep, she's black.

[B]

Is Spontaneous her name?

[J]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

Spontaneous Jenkins. Wide receiver. University, Alabama.

[J]

No, she's pretty cool. She's pretty cool. She's been like, traveling all over the the world. She's been like, France, Greece and a lot of other places. Portugal.

[B]

What is she? What is she, a flight attendant?

[J]

No, she's actually not a flight attendant. She's. She does a lot of work from home stuff. So, like, basically she gets paid to travel and escort. Maybe you might be on to something.

[G]

She might be.

[B]

Secret double life. Guys, what do we think about.

[G]

Did I mishear that or did he say his girlfriend has it? Dick.

[B]

Did. Did you say that?

[J]

That's the hot topic? No, she doesn't.

[G]

Walked over and then she puts her dick in the cereal.

[J]

Yeah, unless me drink the milk out the bowl.

[E]

I'm so glad you said that.

[B]

That is just gay enough for D Madness to leave our resident homophobe, the reigning defending homophobic champion of the world. He's got no eyes, but boy, does he have an opinion. Yeah,

[E]

when D fucks a bowl of cereal, it's on accident,

[B]

man. Baby, your pussy cold as shit this morning.

[J]

I was surprised he found his way out. I was like, what the fuck, man?

[B]

You better fucking respect you madness. You are a temporary guest in this house. Greg, how old are you?

[J]

I'm 29.

[B]

How long you been on stand up?

[J]

Two and a half years.

[B]

All of it here in Austin?

[J]

Not all of it here in Austin. Dallas, Texas, originally. Yeah.

[B]

What do you do for work? What type of kiosk do you work at for a living?

[J]

I actually work at the chicken salad Chick. I actually have the hat at this moment. This is great.

[B]

The chicken salad. Chicken.

[J]

Yep, yep. I work there as, like, a shift leader.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[J]

Last time I came here, I didn't have a job.

[B]

Okay.

[J]

So now I have a job.

[B]

So how's that working out? Seems like heaven if you're at places with chicken.

[J]

Oh, yeah, it's pretty cool. Surprisingly.

[B]

That's like me working at the factory. You know what I mean?

[J]

It's crazy. I'm the only black guy that works there too.

[B]

Amazing. I could see why that would be. They want chicken salad. It is chicken salad, right? That is the whiter version.

[J]

It's the whiter version.

[B]

But I bet you get you're back in the kitchen, they're cutting it up a little bit. Little.

[J]

Yeah, I do, like, a lot of different stuff. Like, some train in a lot of different areas.

[B]

Okay, like what? Can you train? Can you train us to make a great chicken salad.

[J]

Train y' all to make a great chick with no ingredients right now.

[B]

Go ahead, name them all. How do you do it?

[J]

Basically cut up the chicken and stuff like that and mix it in with a lot of different ingredients. They have like their own recipes for like.

[B]

How about your own. When you're making your own chicken something crazy, you throw it in there. His dick.

[J]

Yeah, see, there we go. How did you know?

[E]

You said it in your joke.

[J]

There you go, There you go.

[B]

What's the wildest thing you ever put in your chicken salad?

[J]

In my chicken salad? I'm not a chicken salad eater, actually. I just work there, bro.

[B]

Okay, perfect. That makes sense. I could see why that would be. You get chicken salad once. Oh, you're on your sandwich diet. I forgot. Chick is awesome. Red band is losing weight by exclusively eating sandwiches. That's how unhealthy he was before. I'm not kidding, by the way. It sounds like a joke. I'm not kidding. Am I kidding?

[A]

Nope.

[B]

I'm being dead serious. He ate so unhealthy before that eating exclusively sandwiches. He's shedding pounds. It's unbelievable.

[A]

Subway.

[B]

It's amazing. Yeah, totally. That totally worked back then. That wasn't false advertising whatsoever. That Jared guy was super honest. You can trust him with your anything. I Love it. Greg McCowan.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

What's the. You ever gotten in trouble with the law?

[E]

Why do you ask, Tony?

[B]

I've asked everybody that.

[J]

Specifically me, though.

[B]

I've been asking everybody all night.

[J]

Let me think, let me me think.

[H]

I.

[J]

So I got caught selling weed before.

[B]

Oh, wow. In Dallas.

[J]

Yeah, in Dallas.

[B]

By the police?

[J]

Yep, by the police.

[B]

How did they catch you? How did they catch you? Was it a sting office?

[J]

No, no, no. They just profiled me. They literally just profiled me. They was like, yeah, he's a young black guy walking back like I was walking from the bus stop with a backpack on. He was like, yeah, you matched the description.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And he's like, you got me.

[B]

Yeah. You caught me black handed.

[J]

Yeah, literally.

[B]

Literally. God damn. How much weed did you have on you? Ballpark. I don't need the.

[J]

I really want to disclose that.

[B]

Why is the case still open?

[J]

It's not still open. It's like, it's been like dropped and

[B]

so you don't want them to pick up? You don't want them. I don't want to spontaneously pick it back up.

[J]

Watch this and be like, yeah, you know, it comes back to light.

[B]

Yeah. Cold Case Files Christmas.

[M]

There's that

[B]

so many criminals are caught here being pulled out of the bucket on kill. Tony caught many of people. Greg, you got a girlfriend right now? What's your love life like?

[J]

Yeah, I got a girlfriend. Like I said.

[B]

Oh, that's real. Okay, so it's a couple weeks. Where'd you meet her at?

[J]

I met her here in Austin.

[B]

Where in Austin?

[J]

Bar on 6th Street.

[B]

Just a random bar.

[J]

Just a random.

[B]

And there you were. Did you go up to her? She come up to you?

[J]

I went up to her.

[B]

What'd you say? What was your big opening line?

[E]

I'll. Your cereal.

[B]

Yeah, like.

[J]

Like, that was my second line. The first line was like, what are you drinking? So, like, before I know to put my dick in it, I want to know exactly what it is I'm putting my dick in.

[B]

So, Cocoa Puffs, is it a black girl or a white girl?

[J]

Yeah, it's a black girl.

[B]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. She a little thicker,

[J]

Slim.

[B]

Slim.

[J]

Slim. Slim build. She works out and stuff.

[B]

Okay, very good. What does she do for work right now?

[J]

She actually left Austin to go to Chicago. She just went to Chicago. And basically now she works at, like, a Marriott.

[B]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah. She had to just, like, find a job, so.

[G]

In Chicago?

[J]

Yeah, in Chicago.

[O]

Now.

[J]

It's been, like, a couple days now,

[B]

so I'm. I'm with you, Chris. I'm pretty sure we're together. We're realizing before.

[J]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're still together.

[B]

You guys talk on your, like, cricket phone or something?

[J]

By pigeon? No, I'm just playing. Oh, no, we FaceTime and stuff.

[B]

Nice. Do you guys ever have phone sex while FaceTiming?

[J]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You do?

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

You do? Now when you're. When you're having supposed, like, FaceTime sex, how do you do that? Do you like.

[J]

I have a bowl of cereal with me.

[B]

No, seriously. Do you, like, hold it in one hand?

[J]

Well, yeah, I hold the bowl in one hand.

[B]

All right, let's take the cereal out of it. I know you love it. I know you love a good cereal joke, but in real life, because I find that to be very interesting. Right? It's a hard. It's hard to hold a phone. How do you do it? Do you have any special ways to.

[J]

You just gotta hold it from, like, different angles, bro. Like, you gotta catch everything, right? You know, I'm saying that you're dealing with the front camera, so you got to get it from, like, here and then you gotta, like, sideways so, like, it looks bigger on the way.

[B]

Right.

[G]

Do you really think you're gonna stay

[F]

together

[G]

I can't entertain that. This is crazy.

[J]

We both love food and cereal, bro. Yes, I believe we're definitely gonna.

[G]

She moved to Chicago. You work at a chicken salad place?

[B]

Yeah. You met at a bar on 6th Street.

[E]

She works on a Marriott.

[B]

Yeah.

[J]

He even agreed with y'.

[B]

All. How'd you end up with an Irish last name, huh?

[J]

How did I. Yeah. I have no idea, bro. You're gonna have to ask. My dad on that one literally named me after himself.

[B]

He probably stole it, like, right? Wow.

[J]

He probably stole it, then gave it to me to, like, you know, to

[B]

get away from my friend.

[J]

Crazy.

[B]

Here's a medium sized joke book. Greg, thank you so much for coming on. We're gonna keep it moving. We gotta keep rolling here. All right, there. I already got a big one. There he goes. All right, great. Give back the big one. All right. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Luke Stam, everyone. Here comes Luke Stam.

[I]

My father taught me to carry a rubber on me at all times because it helps make women feel safe. And I never know when I'm gonna need it, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Cause anytime I pull out my rubber, women don't feel safe at all. So say. You say meet you, like right here, right now, and I take you home, like I plan on doing. You know, we're getting hot and heavy. It's time for me to pull out my rubber. I just tell you, if you don't stick my fucking cock in your mouth right now, bitch, I swear to Christ, if you don't put my pee pee in your pie hole, whore. I need you to. Please, I need you to do this for me. I love you. You're acting too much like your mother. Oh, God damn. Sir, I got bad news for you. Now you gotta stick my cock in your mouth. Do you have a gap in your teeth? Well, for the joke, it hate you.

[B]

Yeah.

[I]

You don't have a gap of your teeth. I can make one and I need the gap. I love the gap because I got a vein on the side of my cock. It looks like if your thumb had a pinky growing down the side of it. And I want that vein to nestle in the gap in your teeth like a jockey on a set.

[B]

All right, Luke. All right. We hit the time limit there. Wow.

[I]

Can you hand me my career back, please?

[B]

My goodness, goodness, Luke, welcome to the show. I've never seen a guy that looks like a rapist that rapes Rapists.

[I]

Hey, I'm doing the Lord's work.

[B]

Yeah. Like some kind of superhero that when he finds a rape happening, you get behind the rapist and just absolutely raw dog him until he's crying and apologizing, bludgeon, screaming that he'll never rape again.

[D]

He's.

[E]

He's the Dexter of rapists.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Like, he genuinely looks like a Far side cartoon.

[B]

Yeah. It is incredible. You're very cartoony, Luke. How long you been doing standup?

[I]

Going on six years now.

[B]

How old are you?

[I]

I'm 29.

[B]

There's no way you're 29. There's no way you'RE 29.

[I]

I just turned 29 a few weeks ago.

[B]

Oh, my God. What is happening in this world? We need to. That is.

[I]

It's been a long, rough, hard life.

[B]

What's been going on with you? What is the last. I mean, Jesus, you couldn't have looked like this when you were 20.

[C]

What happened?

[I]

I've looked like this since I was 18.

[B]

Why?

[K]

How.

[I]

How. A lot of drugs and alcohol.

[B]

Okay. What kind of drugs?

[I]

Cocaine, alcohol, pills. A lot of. But I will be two years sober this month.

[B]

Oh, congratulations. Amazing. What do you do to stay sober? What? What do you do to scratch that itch?

[I]

I read a ton of books and just fester in my own anger in my own apartment.

[B]

Wow. Incredible. You live by yourself?

[I]

That I do.

[B]

Amazing. Studio apartment.

[I]

Studio apartment. Cement floors. I've broken three bottles of hot sauce.

[B]

Oh, damn.

[I]

I get. I put the. Put the hot sauce on eggs, and I get too excited to eat them, and then the bottle falls out of my hand when I. And then I go to the fridge.

[B]

I can't even imagine the.

[I]

Oh, son of a. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, it's.

[I]

It's. It's brutal. Every time I've spent. It's like $15 in hot sauce. I've.

[B]

So when the police come over and see a bunch of red stains on your floor, you go, it's just hot sauce.

[I]

I promise it's just hot sauce.

[B]

Incredible.

[E]

And there's a bunch of rubber bands on the floor. As a. I'm just working on my material.

[I]

Yeah. I'm a prop comic.

[B]

Amazing. And what can people. When. If we were to go to your studio apartment, what are on the walls of this studio?

[I]

On the walls?

[B]

I feel like there's no windows in your place.

[I]

There's one window, but there's a bunch of homeless people screaming outside of it all the time.

[B]

Amazing.

[I]

And then. Yeah, just like, pictures.

[B]

Pictures of what?

[I]

Just my own show posters.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[I]

Yeah. Nothing else?

[B]

No pictures of any humans that you've taken?

[I]

No, I actually, I do. I do collect pictures from Goodwill that just. Are other people.

[B]

Okay.

[I]

And I buy the frames, and then I hang them up.

[B]

Wow.

[I]

And then I make up stories for them. Like, you know, if people come over to my house, they're like, who's that? It's like, oh, that was my cousin Kathy. She died in a horrific accident.

[B]

Right.

[O]

Wow.

[B]

You are a funny, interesting guy, Luke. Amazing. What do you do for work?

[I]

What do I do for work? I've actually been fired from every job I've ever had, so I started my own company, and I clean people's cars.

[B]

You clean people's cars?

[I]

Yeah, I make them clean.

[B]

You go to them?

[I]

I drive to them. Yeah. When I got everything I need fits in my trunk and making it work somehow.

[B]

Amazing.

[E]

Is your car clean?

[I]

No, my car's destroyed. I go on the road, like, so I live in my car. I don't actually live in my car, but going on the road, there's just. I have people like Keith, Ray, like, you know, pigs in the car.

[B]

Yeah. That's crazy. What's your love life like, Luke?

[I]

What is. I was born to walk this earth alone. I am married to the game, if you will.

[B]

And the game is magic. The Gathering.

[I]

No, I don't play that. Nerd. No, No.

[B]

I love it. When's the last time you were with a woman?

[I]

When is the last time? Like, a month or so ago.

[B]

Oh, okay. All right. That's. Okay. So what happened a month ago? Take us through it. Exactly how did you meet this person?

[I]

How did I meet this person? She just saw me on this show.

[J]

Oh.

[Q]

Before?

[I]

And then she's like, oh, that was funny. I was like, let's make out like teenagers in the parking lot.

[B]

Okay. And that's what you did?

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

You made out in a parking lot?

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

You didn't take her to your place?

[I]

I. I was on the road, so I didn't have a place to take her to. I was staying at my friend's house with a bunch of children in the house, and I didn't want to subject the kids to my. To my noises, if you will.

[B]

So, uh. Oh, Uncle Luke's breaking hot sauce again. In the bedroom. Amazing. Luke, have you ever gotten in trouble with the law? Have you ever been put in.

[I]

I mean, yeah, I've been handcuffed several times, like, underage drinking charges. But I. I drove drunk every day for, like, six years, and they never caught me. It was amazing.

[B]

Wow.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

What Was your trick to being such a great drunk. Drunk driver?

[I]

Cocaine.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yep, that'll do it.

[I]

Lots and lots of cocaine. A scary amount of cocaine, even for people that did cocaine.

[B]

Amazing. You know, I've never done it. How would you describe that to people?

[I]

It kind of feels like. You know what it feels like whenever you wake up Christmas morning when you're a kid and you find out Santa's already dropped off the presents, you get like a nice warm feeling. Like that.

[B]

And how long does that last for?

[I]

10. 10 minutes?

[B]

Yeah. Amazing.

[I]

And then it's time for Santa to visit again.

[B]

It's funny. Luke, you have a big joke book already?

[I]

Yes.

[B]

Matt Edgar, two of them.

[E]

What's up?

[B]

Oh, no, nothing. Oh, okay. You already got one.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

There you go. Luke Stam, everybody.

[I]

Thank you, guys. I need that.

[B]

We're gonna keep moving. Oh, he really needs the rubber band. A little fun fact. Can't possibly buy a 1000 pack off Amazon for $3 right now using the promo code kill Tony. Marvel Television's Wonder man, an eight episode series now streaming on Disney. A superhero remake.

[P]

Not exactly what we'd expect from an Oscar winning director.

[B]

Action.

[M]

Simon Williams audition for Wonder Man.

[C]

I'm gonna need you to sign this. Assuming you don't have superpowers.

[M]

I'll never work again if anyone found out.

[P]

My lips are sealed.

[B]

Marvel Television's Wonder man, all eight episodes now streaming only on Disney.

[E]

Go further with the American Express Business Gold Card.

[B]

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[B]

All right, your next bucket bowl. We having fun tonight or what, huh? This is as real as it gets. People makes noise for your next bucket bowl. Eric Blair, everybody. It's Eric Blair.

[D]

It's often been said that you're better off being born black than gay because at least you don't have to tell your parents. But here's who do have to tell their parents. The ugly white bitches who are fucking them. Chelsea Handler. And to those people in the year 2026 who are still opposed to their white daughters dating black men, I have this to say. I agree with you because I'm opposed to reversing evolution. That's right. These ugly white bitches are ruining the DNA of the world's greatest athletes. And in doing so, they're ruining the future of professional sports because future generations may not get to see a man jump from the free throw line and dunk in somebody's fucking face. Because there won't be any real black people left at some point. Instead there'll be a whole court full of Steph Curry looking motherfuckers who have to shoot pull up threes from half court because they have no game above the rim. So ugly white bitches, keep your hands off our black people. Find somebody else to make you a single mom. I'm Eric Blair.

[B]

Eric Blair. Some punched up hate speech there. Welcome to the show, my friend. This is your first time here? Yeah.

[G]

Chris, I think he just really cares about basketball.

[B]

It seems like a big fan. Yeah, that.

[E]

That wasn't racist at all.

[B]

Welcome.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

How do you feel?

[D]

Feels great.

[B]

How long you been on stand up?

[D]

It's my first time.

[B]

Wow, his first time. How old are you, Eric? Don't say 29, please, for the love of God, anything but 29.

[D]

51.

[B]

Perfect. That's an acceptable answer. What made you want to start stand up now here?

[D]

This show?

[B]

Yeah, this.

[D]

Became a fan about a year ago and like, you know, I never really cared about stand up that much until I saw this show and said, hey, this is for me.

[B]

So, hell yeah. And here you are, your very first time. What's different? What? What is. Is this how you envisioned it? I'm sure a lot of people out there watching probably think about signing up eventually or trying it explain from your perspective, a fan of a year. Here you are. What's out of the ordinary? What stands out to you?

[D]

I mean, honestly, it's only my second time to come do the bucket pole, but. But I mean, I've been in this room before for other stuff and to

[B]

see a show, it's just.

[D]

Well, I think. I mean, I think this is the same room that like, the main stuff happens.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, but this is the room where the main stuff happens. Yeah, this is it.

[D]

But yeah, I've been in here.

[E]

It's like we're at the mothership.

[B]

Right, Right.

[D]

No, I mean, it's just. It feels awesome to be standing here watching this show on YouTube every Monday and then like being, you know, standing here now, it's fucking amazing.

[B]

Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head because they were expecting a better answer than that about how you envisioned it and how it's different. Is there anything different than how you pictured it?

[D]

The lights are not as bright as I expected because so many people here wear sunglasses. So I was like, shit, the lights will see.

[B]

Really? The ball cap is. What does that, though? Your eyes are protected by the. The coverage. Eric, what do you do for work?

[D]

I'm a lawyer.

[B]

No way.

[O]

Yeah.

[B]

Really? For, like, bikers or something?

[D]

No, I mean, I would be if they paid me. I mean, whoever's got the fucking money.

[B]

What kind of law are you into?

[D]

Litigation.

[B]

Okay. How long you been doing that?

[D]

About 20 years now. Wow.

[B]

You do that where?

[D]

Here in Austin.

[B]

Okay. You. How long have you lived here?

[D]

Went to UT undergrad, went off to law school, came back, and so I've been here since about 2011.

[B]

Amazing. What's your love life like?

[D]

You know, I went through a long period where pussy was kind of controlling my life. And, you know, it's just I'm kind of, like, wanting to do other stuff now. One of the reasons I wanted to do this, you know, it's like a better outlet and cheaper.

[B]

You know, this is free, right?

[D]

I don't have to pay for dinners at Red Ash and.

[B]

Exactly. You're exactly right. That's a real good point. Those dinners add up. Eric, what do you do for fun? You have any hobbies or anything like that?

[D]

Yeah, so. I love playing poker.

[B]

Hold on, I gotta check in with Chris. Sometimes he just starts cracking up and

[G]

I'm putting a whole new patina on the.

[M]

Stop.

[G]

Black dudes. Were you losing?

[D]

I'm sorry?

[G]

Were you losing out to black dudes all the time?

[D]

No, no, I don't. I don't fuck the ugly bitches. See, that was about the ugly bitches.

[B]

Ooh, look at this guy.

[G]

Jesus Christ.

[E]

Order in the court.

[B]

Amazing. So, Eric, so, like, the last woman you were with, did she leave, like, a bad taste in your mouth or something like that? Kind of.

[D]

I just got burned out with it, you know, it's just like.

[B]

Can you talk more detail about what burnt you out exactly? Other than the spending money on dinner?

[D]

Spending money? You know, cycling through a bunch of chicks? It just.

[B]

Were you doing this on, like, dating sites and stuff?

[D]

Yeah, online dating.

[B]

Yeah. Right, Absolutely. What's the worst online date you ever went on? Is there one that really stands out to you where you're like, God, I

[D]

feel up there is.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So, met a chick online, showed up at 24 Diner. Saw a chick standing outside who I knew was her. She looked like she was in some kind of, like, church dress. This is, like, July 4th weekend, right?

[B]

It's in, what, like, a church dress?

[D]

Like Long sleeves and church dress. It's July 4th.

[B]

Yeah. Scorching.

[D]

And so I was like. And she looks kind of fat, too, and not too great looking. You know, like filters and in the picture.

[B]

God damn it. It's gonna be a hell of a restaurant bill.

[D]

It's gonna. It's gonna.

[B]

Well, you went from red ash to fat ass.

[D]

This is 24 diners, so not so much.

[H]

But.

[B]

Right.

[D]

Anyway, as I got to looking at her, I'm like, holy, she's in a maternity dress. So the was pregnant.

[B]

Oh, that's hot. Yeah, well, now you. Now you're paying for two restaurant bills.

[D]

Not, Not. Not for me. But anyway, so I was like, what the fuck am I gonna do? Like, I don't want to sit here and wait for 30 minutes to get a table with this bitch. So basically, I looked for an escape route, right? So I saw the busboys going out the back door, and I'm like, hey, I have to go to the bathroom. So I acted like I went to the bathroom and escaped.

[B]

So was this. Let me go ahead, Matt. Edgar.

[E]

So you're on a date with a pregnant woman and then you aborted a date?

[D]

Absolutely, Absolutely. I'm pro choice when I get comes to those dates, you know?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Amazing.

[E]

Your choice.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Got you actually mandatory abortion at that point.

[B]

So let me ask you this. Did anyone come over to take your drink order when? By the time that you decided, I'd already decided to get up and leave.

[D]

It was brunch, so no one came over.

[B]

But, yeah, it was brunch. What does that mean? Like, it was like a buffet or something?

[D]

No, it's just, like, it was, like, early, so it wasn't really like, you know.

[B]

But you guys hadn't put an order in. Not yet, no. Right. Waiting for the table.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

You were just waiting for the table. Correct. And then you went out the back door. Right. Wow. Wow. Now, don't do that. Don't do that. That'll set off the copyright things. We literally can't play any music anymore. I'm sick of giving CBS our money. All right. Whoever owns the People's Court, like, there's a thing going on with YouTube. They have robots controlling. You can't do anything anymore anyway. We might need you to litigate for us. Amazing. So you got kind of catfished, and you weren't having it, so you were out. That's interesting that a pregnant woman would do that. Yeah.

[D]

And it was like second trimester, too. This wasn't like a little pregnancy.

[M]

Wow.

[B]

Incredible. So that was Hot at all to you?

[A]

Like, you didn't think, like, maybe I could get that pregnant?

[D]

Absolutely not. That was disgusting.

[B]

She was about to burst. It's never. It's never good when a hand comes out and the baby's hands, like. Check, please. Okay, let's do this. Before I let you go, how about the best online date you ever had? What was just the absolute. Wow. That was unbelievable. Feel like I got.

[E]

It's the same story.

[D]

Well, I went out with a chick to J. Carver's great restaurant here in town.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Sitting next to her at the bar, she said, hey, do you mind if we go back to your place? I was like, sure, yeah. Turns out she wasn't wearing panties, so I put her up on the bar.

[B]

Hold on. At J. Carver? No, at my place. You have a bar at your place?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah, like, you know the bar in the kitchen.

[B]

So threw up the counter. Yeah, got it. Big difference there. But yeah, okay.

[D]

The counter.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Anyway. Ate her and the out of her, like, within one hour. So it was a great date.

[B]

Amazing. Look at that. She was hot. You didn't even have to bust out your triple dildo set like red pandas over barber shop. He used his fingers and his mouth like an adult.

[A]

Only one time with that girl.

[B]

You.

[D]

No, I went out with her for a little while. She was. She was Latina, though, so she was a little crazy, so.

[B]

Of course, yeah.

[E]

Did her water break?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

This one wasn't pregnant, so.

[B]

Amazing. Was the pregnant one Latina?

[D]

No. No, she wasn't. Surprisingly incredible.

[B]

Yeah, that's kind of amazing. All right, well, fun times. Eric, even though it was your first time and the set was interesting, it was good enough of a first set to earn yourself a big joke book. My friend Eric Blair. Congratulations. His first time doing stand up in front of millions of. Of people. Isn't that interesting? You guys having fun still? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ty Reynolds. Here comes Ty Reynolds. Hi, everybody.

[O]

My name is Ty. I'm from Baltimore, Maryland. I just moved down to Austin. It's very violent in Baltimore down here. It's just like domestic violence, so it's cool. Baltimore gangster as hell. But I can't be a gangster cause I'm ticklish. You ever try to hold somebody up? Don't give me all your mother.

[B]

Chill, yo, chill, yo, chill.

[O]

I knew I wasn't a gangster. Cause I got in a shootout one time and I had thong flip flops on. You ever been running for your life in thong flip flops? I thought the shootout lasted 20 minutes longer. Cause my heels was clapping down the street. All right, that's my motherfucking time.

[B]

Boom. Great SAP. Ty Reynolds. You've been on before, correct? Yes, I remember you. Very funny, man. Welcome back. Another good set. How do you feel?

[O]

I feel great, man. Thank you again.

[B]

Of course. Absolutely. How old are you, ty?

[O]

I am 37.

[B]

Perfect. Amazing. You don't look a day over 29. Remind us, Ty, how long you been on stand up?

[O]

I've been doing stand up for 10 years. I just turned 37 this year.

[B]

Perfect. That's how it goes. Yes. Believe it or not, you're going to turn 38 next year, 39 the year after that. It is crazy. It never stops. It just keeps going up.

[O]

I know, but I know I'm getting old now because I, like, watch the prices, right. And I don't want the car. And I'd be like, damn, that's a nice refrigerator.

[B]

I'm with you, actually, on that. I've been watching old episodes. Did I talk about this recently? Yeah. I've been watching old episodes of the Price is right on. On YouTube. Bob Barker was the absolute man. He was very, very racist. He. He hated. He also hated ugly women. This. So, like, it's. It's. It's absolutely incredible.

[O]

I mean, I think everybody hates ugly women, Tony.

[B]

Yeah, but this guy was, like, putting on a show for all of America in front of tens of millions of people back when there was only three channels. And if there was a hot chick. I don't know if you remember this. He would do this thing where he'd kiss them on the cheek and, dude, lip both cheeks if they're, like real hot. One cheek if they're like an A7 or 8. And then I swear to God, sometimes a ugly woman would win the thing and they'd come up.

[O]

Tony, you want to wrap this up like you working on my time?

[B]

That's very funny. I was just getting to it. It's crazy because obviously the punchline was right around the corner, and then you had to interject to try to have this cool viral moment for your stupid Instagram page. And then you got it, buddy. That's how it works. Congrats. Congratulations. You did it. You piece of. Yeah. Who could have guessed that the punchline was right around the corner there? You've been doing it a long time. I bet you knew that it was right there. But you had your one chance.

[O]

I mean, we wait, and it's your show.

[B]

No, I know, I know. It's Been working the whole goddamn time. Go ahead, Matt.

[Q]

Edgar.

[E]

Well, I want to know the punchline.

[K]

Was it that.

[E]

That he shook her hand?

[B]

Oh, not only that, but literally he would. There was. There's times where he's literally running away from a person like this. Just like. Like neuter your animals. Yeah, exactly. I mean, just running for his life. He also didn't like dudes on the show cuz he knew that dudes wouldn't keep the viewers. He's like, I want hot chicks. You can tell that the thing kind of sways towards hot chicks. I mean, they're not pulling names out of a bucket again.

[O]

I mean like.

[B]

Are you all right?

[O]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[O]

I'm with.

[B]

Yeah, we're just talking about. Sometimes we talk about things. You want you mad that it's not about you the whole time?

[O]

Yeah, just a little bit. But no, I saw the documentary too.

[B]

You.

[O]

What documentary? I saw. I saw it. It was on Netflix. You were just on Netflix?

[B]

Wow. Wait, have you visited Santa? Been visiting your place lately? Little bright eyed, bushy tailed and all about you over here. Scat Williams. Ty, what's a quality about you that we haven't heard of about. Since you want to talk about yourself so much. We can't talk about the prices, right? For 20 seconds without you turning into an ignorant little baby. Go ahead, take over, pal.

[O]

No, I just want to say happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and wow.

[B]

What about fathers? How do you feel about Father's Day?

[O]

I. I know my dad. I know my dad. Now look at y'. All. I just wish he get deported though. I ain't going to lie to you. He from St. Luke.

[M]

You.

[O]

He got a netted shirt for every holiday.

[B]

He got a what?

[O]

Netted shirt for every holiday he came up here. One winner with a long sleeve netted shirt. Open toed nutted shirt. Netted. Netted. Netted, Netted. Yes.

[B]

Netted, netted shirt. You know it's bad when the Asian woman is translating netted shirt. And that is the shirt.

[J]

All right.

[B]

Right, Ty?

[G]

Well, fun telling nutted shirt the first three times, right?

[B]

It's pretty positive.

[G]

He wasn't even close.

[B]

Yeah, nutted shirt.

[P]

Damn.

[G]

He started off so good too.

[B]

Yeah, it did. It did. It's a shame. I was just about to get to that Price is Right thing and then it's just a fun fact. Little something to go down a YouTube rabbit hole on. Then there was something else. What was the other thing? Yeah, racist for sure. Disgusted by black people. I mean, there was a different Time when you could actually just show how you felt anyway. I'm kidding. Ty. You already have a big joke book, right?

[O]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Perfect. There you go. Sign up again sometime. We'll see you again soon. There goes Ty Reynold, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving along. Your next bucket bulls. David Khan. Come on down. David. Real trap. You don't hear their traps. This is not a true exclusive. Damn, son, Where'd you find this?

[P]

Did you guys ever download rap music illegally in the 90s? I wanted to sing a song for you guys real quick. This is dedicated to the man in the sky. Will they open up the gaze. For bill gates? They open up the gates. Shut your mouth. Get back in line. Don't you dare.

[B]

All right. Jesus Christ. This is not the schizophrenic performer from tonight. Somehow amazing. David. Hello. How are you? Is this your first time on the show?

[P]

Yes.

[B]

Hell yeah. How long you been doing whatever it is that that just was.

[P]

I played music for a living for a long time, but I've been doing stand up for about a year and trying to combine them for a shorter period of time.

[B]

What made you want to start stand up a year ago? Exactly. What exactly was it about stand up drew you to it?

[P]

I've always been the class clown as a kid and I feel like I've always told myself I would get into it, but I'm 36 years old and I'm like, if I'm not gonna do it now, like I'm probably lying to myself and I'm never gonna do it. So I moved down here.

[B]

Here. How's it been going? It's been going great.

[P]

I love it. I been doing mics every day and I got to do the mothership mic last year and it went pretty well. Okay, I guess.

[B]

What were you doing musically before?

[P]

I still play music for a living all the time, like around town.

[B]

And you play guitar and you sing? Yeah, yeah.

[P]

And not the Bill Gates song. I do like covers of like Bruno Mars and stuff.

[B]

Right.

[P]

Nobody pays me for the. The Bill Gates song yet.

[B]

That makes sense. You exclusively make money playing music?

[P]

I do.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Amazing. Where do you play around here?

[P]

I play at the Edge, Rooftop on the Marriott. I played at the culinary dropout in the Domain playing like a 17 year old birthday party last weekend.

[B]

A lot of Marriott references this episode. Yeah, a lot of. We've had a. Yeah. Anyway, amazing. What's the coolest thing that's ever happened to you while playing live type music?

[P]

I did an arena tour internationally around Europe in 2019, and one of the guys in the band was an Elvis bandmate. He did a thousand concerts with Elvis. So I have a mutual band mate with Elvis Presley for about three months and toured around Europe with that.

[B]

That's cool. How'd you end up doing arenas? What is that tour?

[P]

They found me on the Internet, believe it or not. I have one of the largest vocal ranges of anybody alive.

[B]

Great. Let's hear it.

[P]

You can find it.

[B]

Okay, what's your highest? And let's start at your highest and go to your lowest.

[P]

Luke, I am your father.

[B]

Amazing. That is a vocal range. Good job. Kino on the lights there. Amazing.

[F]

Was that good?

[P]

I mean, nobody really cares about having a vocal range. You know, the best music. Music's like one octave, like Kelly Clarkson, but if you're a nerd, you don't care.

[O]

Huh?

[P]

I mean, I could belt something out, but I was trying to do a whistle tone. There's a video of me doing some really nice Ariana Grande whistle tones. If you look me up on the Internet that people make.

[B]

Can't do it now. Just do it now. Liar. I mean, I didn't warm up my wrist.

[P]

I'm a bass. It takes me like an hour to warm that up.

[B]

That makes sense.

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

I could see how that would be. David Khan, what else about your life? Tell us more fun facts about your life that we might find interesting. What stands you apart from everybody else?

[P]

I grew up as a big skater guy. I still skateboard a lot. Love it.

[B]

What else?

[P]

What else?

[B]

Anytime. People's answers. Something on a board.

[P]

I live in a van full time. I've done that for seven years. I've traveled from Canada all the way. I've driven to San Cabo, San Lucas. That's pretty scary. I almost got arrested by the police, and I had to bribe them a couple times.

[B]

Yep. They do that down in Mexico, right?

[P]

Yep. 28 bucks. Is it going rate?

[K]

Wow.

[G]

He didn't sing him a song.

[P]

No. I'm trying not to go to jail.

[B]

Okay, David Khan, want. How about your love life? What's that like?

[P]

It's a failure right now. I was dating this girl. I actually had a joke. I was thinking about coming in and doing stand up, but I'm like, maybe I should just sing a song. Because I was like, you're gonna look at me as the singer now from now on, but really, I'm trying to do stand up too, but I had a joke about a girl I'm saying I'm seeing.

[B]

Why don't you do it like you would have done it if you did that.

[E]

All right.

[B]

Instead of the dog.

[P]

I appreciate it. Thank you so much. I was eating out this girl I'm dating as of recently. And she doesn't shave, which is fine. But I ran into an issue when I was chewing a piece of gum. Keyword was. So it became this game of me trying to keep her right under organism, organism, orgasm. Where she's just about to be distracted enough. Where I can extract these pieces of gum from her bush. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for her overly curious dog. You've ever seen one of those before?

[C]

All right.

[B]

Play more music. I'm sorry. All right, David. Fun times. Keep practicing and working at it. Here's a little joke book for now. There goes David Kahn. We're gonna keep it moving. Gotta keep moving. Some interesting ones so far. For those of you keeping track. It is the schizophrenic old man that absolutely stole the night from all these artists that signed up here tonight. Let's see where we go from here. Make some noise for Will from Miami. It's Will from Miami is his name.

[K]

Behold, 4 inches. Everybody take perspective. It's a small.

[J]

Sure.

[K]

It's a huge monster cockroach. That's four inches to fear in the bedroom. When you see one, you're not sure whether to feel worse. That you're truly living in filth. Or that it's mogging you so badly as you do. Don't ask how I know, all right? I happen to know a lot of shit. And based on the shit that I know, Dubai chocolate sounds disgusting. It doesn't sound delicious at all. It doesn't help that it's green, either. Anyway, people ask me if I'm gay and I say no. But I spend a lot of time with gay guys. So I'd be lying if I said none of them ever rubbed off on me. You know what I mean? Am I gay? I mean, I don't know. I've heard of bisexual erasure. I'm pretty sure that's what my brain does when I close the pornography tabs before begging. Good night, my twinkprints. Anyways, I wanted to join the military when I was younger. But I couldn't in those days. Apparently, Uncle Sam wants you to be an alcoholic. But, like, later, when it's the VA's problem, not the CO's. Anyways, the all right Tony looked very disappointed.

[B]

Well, I mean, the fact that you're looking at me says everything right now. Hundreds of People out there.

[K]

It's your third time going on a stage in any capacity.

[B]

What made you choose this?

[K]

I haven't taken it on the. On the road yet.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[K]

So this. This like your show, you mean? Yeah, I feel like my. You know. Cause I've came out here to do it. I feel like my jokes, obviously, you know, they're not horrible. I mean they could do some.

[E]

You know. Your dick has more inches than last laughs. You just got.

[B]

It's true.

[K]

Yeah, I got that 6 inch curly cue cockroach crawling around in my pants.

[P]

It's true.

[E]

What happened to the 4 inch?

[B]

It got bigger. You just get 6.

[K]

I've looked it up. There's no such thing as a six inch cockroach. You're right. There's only. Get it up.

[J]

Up to four.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

I can't tell where the one joke ends and the other.

[K]

I'm doing my best.

[B]

Check in with Chris.

[G]

I still don't know what the he's saying.

[B]

I know.

[G]

I have no idea what he's talking about.

[K]

Well, that, that says something that you don't have the small dock. I mean.

[B]

Okay, let's not take issue. Yeah, I'm sorry.

[K]

I'm sorry.

[G]

The issue is the wire to wire just totally incoherent.

[B]

Yeah, true. Nobody understands what the you're talking about.

[K]

Do I. Do I sound like I have a speech impediment or something?

[B]

Not even. It's what you're saying that's the craziest part, is that you're actually one of the clearest speakers that we've had here up today. Every single everything that. Everything that you're clearly saying articulately.

[K]

I'm sorry.

[B]

No, no, no. We've had people up they killed tonight. You can't blame it on that either.

[K]

Fair enough.

[B]

It's okay.

[J]

It's all right.

[B]

It's just not the really the place to be doing your third.

[E]

The schizophrenic and the black guy from Baltimore. Way better.

[B]

Yeah, way better. And then one of them needed a Chinese translator at one point. So imagine. Imagine. Okay, well, let's at least find out more about your life. Funny stuff that you could be talking about. Obviously. You are Will from Miami.

[K]

From Miami Jersey, unfortunately, yeah.

[B]

Okay, why unfortunately?

[K]

Because it's given me this toxic personality that is not enjoyable for people to. To.

[J]

To.

[K]

To experience.

[B]

That's the realest thing that you've said

[K]

since you got, may I say a

[F]

little bit to trust.

[K]

Try to redeem myself in. In your eyes. I'm Divorced. I don't get any pussy. And I'm not. I'm not.

[B]

There you go.

[K]

I'm doing my best. I'm not. I'm. I'm devoid of confidence. You know, I'm not.

[A]

I know you.

[K]

I know how you get.

[B]

What you should have said during the minute.

[K]

I know. I think I'm too clever, and I. I don't want to.

[F]

You're not.

[B]

You're not. See, there you go. You're sliding back into. Yeah, it's just.

[K]

It's an issue that is pervasive. I'm not. I'm not the only one who has this mistake and belief.

[B]

Okay, whatever.

[G]

You seem like a nice guy.

[K]

I am. No, I'm not trying to be defensive. I'm just. I'm just. I'm trying not to kill myself when I go home tonight.

[B]

Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself.

[K]

I'm trying to. I'm not the only one who's a loser. It's okay, you know?

[B]

Relax. Stop, stop, stop. Are you on Adderall or something right now? No.

[K]

I don't even know.

[B]

Okay, relax. Take a breath. Take a breath. Yes.

[G]

Just relax. What was the trip like from Miami?

[K]

I mean, I was, like, cutting off people and driving on the shoulder and doing all these crazy maneuvers and stuff. And then. And then when I got here, someone tried to kill me on the road. And I was feeling bad the whole time that I was doing all these maneuvers, but then when the guy was trying to kill me, I felt. I felt like maybe God was preparing me for this sort of dark souls encounter.

[I]

Holy.

[K]

That I had up at the first. The first or second day that I'm in Austin.

[B]

Okay.

[K]

So, you know, I'm happy to be alive today, I guess. Yeah.

[B]

Will. So let's talk about it. How old are you?

[K]

Thank you, Michael. I appreciate it. Huh?

[B]

How old are you?

[K]

I'm 32.

[B]

32. What made you want to start? Stand up. Now?

[K]

Yeah, I'm.

[B]

I. You can.

[K]

You think? I don't got anything else going on, really.

[B]

What have you been doing? What do you do for work?

[P]

Work.

[K]

You name it, I've done it, sold it. But, you know, I've had every type of.

[G]

You gotta get. You gotta. Simpler questions.

[B]

Yeah.

[K]

How's.

[M]

You can't.

[B]

I mean, yes or no questions.

[G]

Basically, you gotta go. What'd you eat for breakfast?

[B]

Yeah, what did you eat?

[K]

What day? What day?

[B]

Today?

[K]

I didn't eat anything until I got the pizza. Rapalo's. God damn it. I'm drunk as well. You Know I'm doing my best.

[B]

You're drunk.

[K]

Well past the threshold you typically allow, probably.

[B]

What have you been drinking today?

[C]

Just.

[K]

Just vodka since I got over there.

[B]

Nothing you got next door. How many do you think you've had? Did you do the deal with the picture or whatever?

[K]

It's not important how many of. It's just the fact that I haven't had anything to eat and I only drink on Mondays when I come through here.

[B]

You only drink on Monday.

[K]

Since I've been coming.

[B]

How many times have you signed up for the show? Ballpark.

[K]

Doesn't have to be seven. Six or seven.

[B]

Six or seven times. And you choose the day that you sign up. The only day that you drink is the day that you sign up for a show that you.

[K]

I would. I would do way worse if not. I would do way worse.

[B]

That's absolutely impossible. It is unbelievably impossible. I've been doing this every Monday for 13 years.

[K]

The mics. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. Yeah, my bad.

[B]

You know what? Maybe you should tonight. Maybe tonight's the night I should get. It's the reverse golden ticket.

[K]

I apologize.

[B]

Whatever the opposite of it. It's a one way ticket to hell. I'm kidding.

[K]

It's a bad habit I got.

[Q]

I'm sorry.

[B]

It's okay.

[K]

What was the question again?

[B]

You're. There wasn't one. This.

[K]

I've been. I've been. I've been doing these mics and every mic that I've done, I totally forgot at least the material.

[B]

And you think because I had a panic attack and you think that drinking helps.

[K]

I got through the material. I mean, but that's not. Obviously, you know, the material is bad. I mean, who knows? If I came up here and I had good material, maybe the alcoholism might have aided me.

[A]

He's like the Woody Allen of Florida.

[K]

I am Jewish. I'm half Jewish.

[B]

You know, I.

[K]

You know,

[G]

I do kind of get the sense he's got some good ideas in his head. He just can't get them out.

[B]

Do you have another. Do you have another joke that you didn't do today that might. Might work?

[K]

No, no. If these ones didn't work, then no way.

[B]

There's some smart guy.

[K]

Yeah, no, I. I mean, I. I got minutes, but they're gonna do as well as. As this one?

[B]

How do you know what's funny if you've only done it three times?

[K]

I've been only watching Rodney and. And Don Rickles on. On Johnny Carson for. For Months and hours. That's all I do.

[B]

You've exclusively been watching two of the best comedians.

[K]

I wake up and I put like a 3D thing. No, I'm just kidding. So, you know, I think I got a sense for it, but. But clearly only so far. Only it only goes so far.

[B]

I agree. Much like everyone that has ever worn a dolphin's jersey, you took a big loss today, Will. Here's a little joke book.

[J]

Oh, thank.

[B]

There he goes.

[C]

Thank you, everybody.

[B]

It's okay, Will. Just keep trying. But you got to practice. You got to love it. You have to enjoy the process. Do more open mics. Jesus Christ. Oh, my goodness. He just did it. Unbelievable. Shout out to the Austin Police Department for taking care of that for us. Welcome to Texas. This is our final bucket poll of the night. What a wild. What a while. This is like live from Arkham Asylum tonight or something like that. Who knows what's gonna happen next? Your final bucket bowl of the night goes by the news. Looks like a good name. Scott Got good handwriting. Make some noise for Shaz Memon. Shaz Memon.

[Q]

Hello, my name is Shaz and I'm from Amsterdam. And yes, this is what the Dutch look like now. Now, I can see that some of you are looking into my face. I want to acknowledge that I have a very distinct look. I've had this mustache for the past 12 years. And in these 12 years, I have heard hundreds of comments that people have made. I've even ranked them, like yesterday. This literally happened yesterday. I was walking around 6th street and a homeless guy called me a Middle Eastern Mario. I was recently in a meeting with a colleague, and as soon as I entered the room, he said, look, here comes the Indian Monopoly man. The best one. The best one so far I've gotten is I matched with a girl on Bumble. And her first message to me was, you look like your dad fucked a Pringles can. That was my time. You've been a phenomenal audience. Thank you.

[B]

What showman. He dressed the part. He curled the mustache. A true professional. I'm not even used to it. Guy was just up here in a Dolphins jersey three sizes too big. And then out comes a guy that's at least ready for the occasion. A proper attire. Quite the gentleman I matched. Looks like he'd build the World Trade Centers just to break them down again.

[Q]

Hey, can I say I am originally from Pakistan?

[B]

Wow. Tell us something we don't know. Amazing. Shaz. Welcome, welcome. So you're 100 Pakistani?

[Q]

Well, yes.

[B]

Amazing. Absolutely. Yeah. It only Works that way.

[O]

There.

[B]

There's no. There's no Draymond Greens coming into Pakistan muddying up the waters, you know what I mean? All right, Shaz. I love it. How old are you?

[Q]

How old am I?

[B]

Yes.

[Q]

33.

[B]

33. Great.

[D]

Shaz.

[G]

He's going to work at a Marriott.

[B]

Jokes were great. Shaz, how long you been on stand up?

[Q]

Just about two years.

[B]

Two years? Where at?

[Q]

In Amsterdam? Yeah.

[B]

Awesome. What made you start? Two years ago, I was partying a

[Q]

lot and I was like, I need to stop this.

[B]

So I started doing. Amsterdam is very close to the North Pole. Yeah.

[K]

Yes.

[Q]

I was stuck into the partying situation.

[B]

You were doing a little cocaine, huh? I can't imagine what that must that. That mustache looks like when it's covered in white. Oh, no. Amazing. So a lot of partying?

[Q]

Yeah.

[B]

How'd you end up in Amsterdam?

[Q]

So I'm originally from Pakistan. From Pakistan. Around 10 years ago, I moved to Australia. I studied there. Then around seven years ago or eight years ago, I moved to Amsterdam for work.

[E]

Work?

[B]

What's the job?

[Q]

I work in finance.

[B]

Amazing. And you're doing good, aren't you?

[Q]

Unfortunately, yes.

[B]

Yeah. That's fantastic. What do your parents think about you doing stand up comedy? What are the Pakistanis think about you doing stand up Pakistanis?

[Q]

I don't know my parents. Well, they're okay with it.

[B]

Okay.

[Q]

They like it. They don't understand a lot of it,

[B]

but they're still impactful.

[Q]

They still live in Pakistan?

[B]

Yes. Amazing. Amazing. And you're a smart guy. Where'd you go to school?

[Q]

University of Sydney.

[B]

Sydney, Australia. Yes. Amazing. You're so worldly. Tell us about your travels. What do you love or hate about certain places?

[Q]

Oh, like Amsterdam, for example. If I talk about Amsterdam, everyone here just thinks it's about weed and prostitutes. It's not. There's so much more to it. Cocaine. Try the cocaine. Please try the cocaine.

[B]

Hell, yeah. Ho, ho, ho. Chris o'. Connor.

[G]

Did you live close to bin Laden?

[Q]

Actually, no. I'm in the south and Bin Laden was sort of in the north.

[E]

They're like rival high schools.

[B]

The Browns versus the Browns in a battle of the titans. Tower one versus Tower two.

[J]

Amazing.

[B]

Shaz, I love it. You got a girl up in Amsterdam?

[Q]

No, I'm not dating because comedy, I do nine to five work and then five to nine comedy, I'm obsessed with it. So I travel around Europe and I do a lot of comedy. I don't have time to date.

[B]

You don't even have time for girls?

[Q]

No.

[B]

Just out of curiosity, does the carpet match the drapes? Are your pubes curled up? I'm kidding. I'm joking. I know.

[Q]

It made me think. I thought maybe they are.

[B]

You have a giant bush. I know the answer to this. There's no question about it.

[Q]

I'm brown, I'm hairy.

[B]

I get it, buddy. I can't even imagine what you have going on down there. I mean, I'm trying to imagine, but I just can't possibly. All right, Shaz, what else about your life? What are you into? You have any hobbies or anything else fun other than your obsession with stand up and. And making vast sums of terrorist money?

[Q]

Well, I have. There's something interesting about me. My mustache actually has a name. It's called Jessica.

[B]

Ooh. Why is it called Jessica?

[Q]

When I was in Australia, I was at a party. It was a three day festival, and this is a festival where there's no phone reception. 3,000 people, and everyone's high on LSD. So I was at this festival, and the second day of this festival, as I was walking towards the stage, there was a girl who was also high on lsd. She looked at my mustache and she thought this was the most incredible piece of art she's ever seen. Her name was Jessica. She gave me a sneaky kiss, and I request. She requested if I could name my mustache after her. So I've been calling it Jessica for the past 10 years now.

[B]

Just because she gave you a kiss?

[Q]

Yes. I was desperate.

[B]

Let me ask you this, Let me ask you this, Shaz. If. If we got a girl up here to give you a kiss, would you Change its name 100%? Is there a girl out there? Let's get those red lights up. Is this your girlfriend, sir? Shaz, I'll let you pick. Out of all the people with their hands up, there seems to be quite a lot out there. Her, the blonde in the back. Who would have guessed that he went with one of the not fat chicks in the crowd? Here she comes, everybody. I'm sorry. You're very sweet. You've been amazing. There you go. Have some Zipix. Have some Zipix. Have a Sharpie. Have a little joke book. There you go. You have a great spirit. But that'd be somehow. That would be the lowest point of. Here you go, sweetheart. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait one second. What's your name? Sabrina. Do you understand, Shaz, that after this, if this is a good kiss, your mustache from this day forward shall be named Sabrina.

[Q]

I don't know if I Like the name Sabrina.

[M]

I'm joking.

[J]

I'm joking.

[B]

I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me where we make dreams come true. Ladies and gentlemen, Sabrina. Get that mustache thing. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Hell yeah. Good job, Sabrina.

[Q]

Thank you. Sabrina.

[G]

Sabrina, how was it?

[B]

Sticky. Sticky. Wow.

[Q]

Now you will sit on my face forever.

[B]

Wow, look at that. That is incredible. It's amazing. You got to kiss the girl from the hit show the Ozarks here. Sabrina, where are you visiting from? Chicago. Amazing. Do you work at the Marriott? All right, good job. There she goes. Sabrina. Sabrina. Here's a Kiltoni Sharpie. There you go. Sweet Sharpie. This show's so fun. I have so much fun doing.

[G]

Are you fired up?

[E]

His dick looks just like a fired up mustache.

[Q]

Yeah, I'm in. I'm on.

[G]

I don't have time for chicks like her. Her up here now.

[M]

Kiss me.

[G]

I'll change. I'll do anything.

[Q]

I. I am Muslim and I'm probably going to hell.

[B]

No, no, no. That's what your parents would tell you.

[Q]

This was great. Thank you, Sabrina.

[B]

Shaz, congratulations. You're a classy guy. Here's a big Kel Tony joke book. It'll go with your suit. Matches perfectly. That was fun. That was a fun way to put a ribbon on the bucket. We have one final comedian, ladies and gentlemen. He is an absolute force of nature. He is the newest regular on the show and I gotta tell you, his momentum is absolutely unbelievable. He's truly becoming and has probably become, I think everybody's me and Red Band, favorite comedian, make some noise. This is a brand new minute. Toughest job in the industry to write and perform a brand new set. Every week on this show, he does it unbelievably well. This is a freak of nature. Make some noise. This is a new minute from the great Pat o', Neill, everybody. The real deal. Pat o', Neill. Folks, this first one's a question for the fellas in the room. Fellas, you ever have a girl tell you she's gonna give you some sloppy head and think to yourself, no shit, fatty. Only way you know how. Hey, what can I say, folks? If loving fat girls is wrong, I don't want to be white. Other night at the bar, I was talking to this girl who described herself as a light skinned Latina, but I think what she really meant was a Spanish retard. All right, that's all for unbelievable. Unbelievable. Perfect. Perfect. Pat, God damn, you have such great Jokes, Pat. Thank you, Tony. Unbelievable. My God. How's life going, buddy? Ah, good, good. Last week was crazy. Yeah. People messaging me and stuff. Yeah. Won't leave a fella alone. I know. It has happened just because he's on the TV now. Yeah. Yep. You made it, Pat. You're making it. You're living the American dream. How's life changed? Anything crazy happen? Not really. Yeah.

[G]

I don't know.

[B]

Not really. Just like, talking to people, you got to do. Making some merch. You got to do one. Really? What's your merch?

[O]

I don't know.

[B]

You don't know yet. People keep telling me too, and offering it, and I'm like, I don't know.

[G]

Kind of funny that talking to people now is new.

[M]

Yeah.

[B]

That what?

[M]

Talking to people.

[B]

It's crazy.

[G]

Talking did not happen, dude.

[E]

His whole life changed.

[M]

Yeah.

[G]

Talking to people.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Talking to people willing to talk to you. Yeah. That's what he's getting at. Yeah. I got it.

[E]

I got.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Pretty earth shattering.

[B]

Absolutely. It really is.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

Pat, you are one of the more frightening looking guys that we've ever had on this show. We get to see it every week, and every time you come out, it makes us all laugh, and it's just amazing. I've always said this about you since the first time I've seen you, that you look like a comedian. Have you ever looked different? Did you look different before you started comedy? I was a fatty in high school. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What was going on there? I don't know. Just a lot of ice cream. Yeah. Heck, yeah. Divorced parents. So my dad would, like, do the thing where he gases you up with snacks and shit. The one day he has you. How'd you lose the weight?

[M]

I just.

[E]

Your dad got one day in the custody battle?

[B]

Yeah. Feel like he's lucky to have that. Tell us about your parents. What were they like? How did. How does a Pat o' Neal come to exist? I don't know. They're. They're fine people. You know what I mean? Seems like a subject worth of simple folk. Yeah. They still out there? They together? No. No, my dad's dead. Oh. Okay. How did. How did dad die? Liver cirrhosis. Oh, my God. He's a heavy drinker.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. How old was he when he died?

[A]

40.

[B]

We went over this one time. Wow. We did, huh? So he would just drink all day every day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You got nothing to worry about. All right. Perfect. Yeah. Doing fine. I'm always checking if you notice anytime, anybody, anything with drinking or smoking, I get very, very curious. Perfect. Amazing. How old were you when he died? Like 16. Oh, wow. That's a tough time. But that's how comedians are made. Yep, that's how a fucking joke, Smith. Like you don't want to have one of these pussy normal lives. Right? Right. Yeah, exactly. Like having two parents being born and raised in Miami. You know what I mean? These people, I love it, Pat. I mean, you are just a freak of nature. You bring nothing but absolute cackling laughter to the world. And again, we couldn't be happier to have you as a full time regular on this show. Thank you so much. Thank you. The real deal Pat o' Neill to end tonight's episode. Guys, how much fun did we have tonight, huh? This episode right to you by Bluetooth Prize picks and Zipix. There you go. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. It's amazing. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all giggling away. Oh, Chris O Connor. How about one more time for the great Chris o'? Connor? Check him out in Raleigh, Detroit and his podcast Stop island with our dear, dear friend Tommy Pope. Tickets for him on Tour, Chris O connor.com. and how about one more time for one of my longest best friends, Matt Edgar, everybody. He's got a brand new podcast called Bomb Shelter and that comes out on June 1st. So go check that out. What's Bomb Shelter about and like what's going on there?

[E]

I interview comedians and live performers like wrestlers and and musicians on their way. Worst Bomb.

[B]

Oh, I love it.

[E]

And we just break it down.

[B]

Well, you could have booked nine guests tonight after this show.

[E]

I got a whole roster now.

[B]

Yeah. Amaz.

[E]

Miami is going to be the next episode.

[B]

One more time for Chris O Connor and Matt Edgar. So much fun stuff happening Madison Square Garden, coming around the corner in August. Make sure you get tickets for that. If you're ever going to visit the great city of New York, you might have as well do it on a weekend in which we are there at the greatest arena in the world, the most famous arena in the world for our third weekend in a row, third year in a row, doing msg. It's absolutely ridiculous and so much fun. And it's because of you, the greatest fans on planet Earth. We love you, Red Band.

[A]

Guys, give a shout out to Tony Hinchcliffe.

[B]

Come on, guys. Guys, stop it. Yeah. I've known this guy for so long.

[A]

I'm so happy for him.

[B]

We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Wide awake in her whiskey. In Michigan.

[K]

You can feel the energy everywhere in

[L]

the fresh breeze of a rain, riverfront stroll or nightlife that hums with electricity.

[B]

Let it bring you together in pure Michigan. Find your [e-mail] did you know if your windows are bare, indoor temperatures can go up 20 degrees. Turn the temperature down with blinds.com and get up to 50% off custom window treatments like solar roller shades and more during the Memorial Day Mega Sale. Whether you want to DIY it or have a pro handle everything, we've got you free samples, real design experts and zero pressure. Just help when you need it. Shop up to 50% off site wide and huge savings on door busters Right now during the Memorial Day mega [e-mail] rules and restrictions apply.