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Kreatures Of Habit Podcast
The Truth About Fear, Shame & Addiction with Dr. Adi Jaffe | Kreatures of Habit
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- [00:00]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Was facing a federal case and you
- [00:02]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
were selling crystal meth.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
We were like a 7 11. We sold everything. I was getting gallons of G hefty, bags of mushroom potato sacks of ecstasy. I mean, it was an insane amount of drugs that we were selling.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
What was the worst thing that you experienced in jail?
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
There is no safe experience in jail. And you have to kind of learn to live with lack of safety.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Fear is a box. It's always going to be there. Am I sitting in the box or am I acknowledging the box is there?
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
You made whatever plans for today and tomorrow, but you're going to wake up tomorrow and life is going to show up. Some will show up as expected. A lot will not.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Almost impossible to have a positive outlook on life if you don't like the person you see in the mirror. I had a lot of shame about it. I have to start talking about this.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
I think the only way that we can make it okay for others to come out of the darkness is to show them the light by sharing our darkness. An entrepreneur straight out of New York City, Michael Chernow was cracking.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Yeah, So I saw this episode on the Soft White underbelly about this, this firefighter who. I mean, he was a firefighter, he was a pilot, he was a lot of things. But it was just so moving to me because he spoke about his abuse so like, confidently and easily and nonchalantly. Right. If that's a word, nonchalantly. But it just like, it spoke to me and I was like, you know, there's a lot of shit going on in the world today. Right. And a lot of shit going on that is exposing, like child molestation, you know, sexual abuse, and it doesn't discriminate like it's billionaires to, you know, the, the scum of the earth. And as a man who has experienced sexual abuse from, you know, 8 years
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
old to
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
11, you know, 12ish, I still had a guy that was like, attempting to groom me. Yeah. I just, I was like, I have to start talking about this. I, like, I'm. I don't. I had a lot of shame about it as a younger person, but as I, as I. As I've grown, I've just come to terms with it and I just don't have that shame anymore. As a matter of fact, I. I mean, obviously I wish it never happened to me, but I'm. I feel it's. It's in my duty to be someone standing up.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah. I mean, first of all, thank you for sharing. I think I don't want to say Normalize. But I think the only way that we can make it okay for others to come out of the darkness is to show them the light by sharing our darkness, which is really difficult for a lot of us because we all wish we didn't have those stories, right? I wish I didn't have a gun held in my head. I wish I didn't face prison time. I wish I didn't go to jail. I wish I didn't get beat up by other white guys in jail. Because, like, it's. We have these stories, we have these narratives. I just got off a group as I was coming in here, and one of the guys in it who's got Ms. And he's in one of my groups said, I don't. I don't have any stories. There's nothing interesting. I'm like, bro, I've heard your life. There is so much in each of us. And ironically, the stories are the most powerful. Sometimes feel like they show us as weak or. Or they threaten our status. Right? Like, I. I've never been through abuse, but I've known so many men for whom that was the darkest underbelly. Right? We started talking about what was your drug of choice and opiates or mine was meth. And I think hopefully in today's conversation, we'll get to the point where it's a quote I use in Unhooked. I love this quote from Joseph Campbell. The cave you fear the most is the one that holds your treasure.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
The cave you fear the most is the one that holds your treasure. I would say that's pretty accurate.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
And it's like, if I could do five minute therapy on anybody, they would have to be really willing. But with trust, I would say, what's the one thing you can never just think? You don't have to tell me, but what is the one thing inside your head right now that you think to yourself, I'll go to my grave with this? The moment you lose that feeling and you can just share that openly and not feel like you have to hide it from everybody else, you will experience the most incredible release you've ever had in your life. But that's hard because most of us have spent time watching porn, scanning media, binging tv, drinking, smoking meth, shooting up heroin, you know, hitting bongs. To not ever have to tell anybody that part of ourselves. Like, that's the whole goal. That is the entire goal. I felt like I was worthless. Nobody would ever like me. And I never showed up the way I wanted to in my head since I was from like 7 to 26 or something.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Would you say, as a psychologist and a professor and an author and a PhD and a TEDx speaker, I can imagine the amount of research you've done just across your career in what is the biggest hindrance or what is the catalyst to. Would you say that fear is the underlying, the underpin of all things that generate, evolve, and manifest mental health issues? Fear being the foundation.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
So when I gave that TEDx talk, I focused on shame. But I think if you get to why shame hurts so much and why it allows us to do so many things that we would never otherwise do, there is this element of we're afraid that we'll be found out. Right. It's the fear of somebody knowing our darkest secrets. So I think that's a. You know, it's a good question. I need to probably think about it for a second as we talk here. Certainly there's an element to why we feel fear. And those. Those could be disparate. Right. So it could be, I'm not good enough to. I can't trust other people. Right. Those are two different versions of the underlying beliefs. But I think you're right that the activation, like I talk about in unhooked, the feeling that gets created, is one of fear and insecurity.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
What do you think is for someone who is living in. You know, I used to think about fear in a couple of ways. Yeah. So fear is present in all of our lives probably more often than joy. From just my experience, and also I, you know, interviewed lots and lots of people, and I feel like fear is definitely. Fear is a feeling that we feel more powerfully than joy.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
And I think that's definitely true.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Yeah.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
So whether it's omnipresent or not, I think we may have a little bit more control over, over time, and you can do work to move that. But I'll. We'll talk about a negativity bias here in a second. But I think in terms of the imprint that it leaves on you, certainly. Yeah, fear is definitely stronger.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
I feel like fear is just. Fear stops us. Joy is like. I feel like joy is. And it would be wonderful if this was not the case. But joy is very momentary and present.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
It's like ephemeral. It's just boom, in and out, right?
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Yeah, yeah. And fear has just residual. Just, just. It's just there, Right?
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Sure. Well, I mean, think about how many people are listening right now. I've ever been at home, freaked out, Freaked out about running out of money, about their girlfriend leaving them about their wife cheating on them, about their boss hating them or their best friend screwing them. Like, whatever. The thing is, right, you're scared about the world ending, whatever, and you can spend hours doing that. But those, like you said, the moments of glee, of satisfaction, of contentment, I won't even go all the way to joy. But contentment, they're fleeting. You feel them and then they're kind of in and out. I think that's true for most people. Again, I think there are ways to get to the other side of that.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
But yes, like, I was just down in Mexico with my family and there is no better for me if I could be on vacation with my family all the time. I would, I, you know, that would,
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
I would do that. That would do that. Yeah.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
That's my favorite place to be, like on vacation. Looking at the ocean with palm trees, like flowing and like, like that is where I am at bliss. Right.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
I have so many questions because I'm like work obsessed and all that other stuff. So I have questions for later, but keep going.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
But that's a fact, right? And I think like, probably even five years ago I would, I would be, I would have shame around saying that because I'm an entrepreneur and you know, I feel like, you know, a lot of hard charging humans are like, oh, yeah, like, no, no, no. Like, you know, you've got to love
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
the work, the hero, the hero Goggins school of life.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And I, I'll put them on blast. Like, I think that is just bullshit. I just do, right? I, I've come to realize that, like, if you can't have balance in your life, if you don't know when to draw a boundary and say, okay, I'm going to stop this now, because the time with the people I love and the laughing and the fun and the enjoyment and the ability to give myself grace, like if you can't have that in your life, I believe you're not living a life worth writing books about. And because at the end of the day, the amount of miles you've run is not going to be what your kids or your grandkids are going to want to hear about.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah, I'll probably push back a little bit, but this is fun. First of all, there. I feel like everybody has phases in their life, right? And so different versions of balance are probably appropriate at different phases for different people. What I love and the reason I meant it seriously, I have questions. You know, we started out talking about this dark history and you just, you just went to, you just listened to this podcast, and it sounds like that was really activating for you and made you start thinking like, oh, I need to be more forward leaning on this piece, which is beautiful because everybody has versions of that. I would argue Alex Hormozi and David Goggins and a lot of these other people, they. They have the shadow, right? And some, some of them are pretty clear about the shadow and what drives them to do that. And. And others are less aware. And you can, oftentimes you can tell who's more aware, not even. Not by them owning it, but rather spice seeing. Are they. Are they. Are they doing it? Because actually, you can't steal. This is an article I want to write, but Chris, is it Williamson? Chris Williamson, the podcaster had this point that then got regurgitated by Tom Brady, who was the goat. I mean, say whatever you want. I don't care what team you love the goat when it comes to football. And he wrote an article about motivation, discipline, or obsession. Coming from a Chris Williamson. Chris Williamson does really, really great stuff. And so it's these three things. And I've learned. I mean, you talked about research. I've done a lot of research. Behavioral neuroscience is where I got my degree in psychology. So motivation is fleeting. It's in and out. Sometimes you feel motivated, sometimes you don't. Discipline is something that can show up every day, but it doesn't feel good. Motivation feels good. Discipline doesn't feel good. It's satisfying because you get something else on the other side. The point Tom made, and from the Chris article, was that if you're obsessed with something, it takes less work to do it because you feel compelled. And it doesn't go up and down like motivation, so it's more consistent. And that's kind of. And he talked about how his obsession throughout life was throwing a perfect spiral. And in all his games, he probably threw 500 perfect passes in all the time that he played football in his life. Right? It sounds great. It was really well packaged. I finished reading the article. I'm like, fuck, I swear.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Yeah, of course.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Like, I think they missed a big fucking factor that was literally not mentioned. Why not passion? Why always obsession? Obsession. To me, you talk about fear. Obsession is, if I don't get this done, I'm worth nothing. Obsession is, what will people think if I gain weight, if I don't make the money, if I don't get the hottest girlfriend, like, whatever it is in your head, if I don't run the ultramarathon, what will people think? Right. I'm obsessed. I got to get this done, otherwise I'm not worth enough. Sure, you'll get a lot of stuff done. Does it feel good along the way? I don't know if it feels good. Passion is. I want this. I want this because it. It fills me. And it sounds like for you, which is beautiful to say, right, that one of your passions, if not your biggest passion, is spending quality time with the people closest to you. That's a passion. So nobody has to tell you to do it. Nobody has to remind you you're oriented. So that always in your life you're going, how do I get more? How do I get more of that? I don't think there's anything wrong with making your passion be ending homelessness or saving the world. That's great, but it can be so much smaller. And I think, just to go really, really big picture, I think what we don't pay enough attention to in life are those underlying motivators you talk about. Fear is a big one. I think so much of the discord that we have in our country, but the world at large right now is because everybody's always afraid that if they're not right or if they don't get their point across and the world is going to crumble. And we've now come to this place where it's like an impasse. Like you. If you don't believe what I believe, and that can be on politics, that can be on social issues, then somehow you're a threat to my existence. And, damn, that's a really horrible way to live. So I love that you get to share that you love. Well, I want.
- [15:01]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Okay, so you said so much. And, like, the thoughts in my mind are, I gotta. I've gotta, like, unpack some of this. So I believe that discipline is the most valuable asset any human being can have. I believe that at my core. I've got it tattooed on my hand. I believe that at my core. And I think discipline because. Well, I think discipline is a word that most people, when they hear it, associate it negatively. Punishment, militant aggression, pain. They associate it negatively.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
The thing about discipline that I've learned in my life, and I'm. I'm 100 confident in saying that. I have. I am an expert in discipline at this point in my life. And I got that because of my commitment to sobriety and my journey in sobriety, right? But discipline is free. Discipline costs no money. Discipline is available for everyone. And here's the beauty about discipline. I've got this thing that I've been saying for years now. And it's a philosophy that I believe you can apply to anything. And actually. And on the, on the, on the, on the other side of this sort of succession of Cs, you will win. It's commitment, also known as discipline. Commitment breeds confidence. And with confidence, you can almost do anything. Right. And so I think when you say passion, I think when people are like, how do I find what I'm passionate about? How do I find what I'm passionate about? Well, it's very, very difficult to have the courage to explore what you're passionate about without confidence. Confidence, in my opinion, is really self. Confidence is only really attained through consistency in discipline and commitment.
- [17:16]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Oh, I agree 100%.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
So if discipline is the thing. Right. If discipline is the thing, and it doesn't, you know, like, when I used to also think about discipline, it was. It was about, like, doing hard things. That was all I associated discipline to. Right. Like, this is not something I want to do, which also means that this is probably hard to do. There's fear around not succeeding in doing it.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And so that was what I associated discipline with. Now my idea of discipline has actually changed. I am disciplined about shutting the computer at 6 o' clock at night. I'm disciplined about it. Why? Because I know that the place that I find most Joy is at six o'clock at night, sitting at the dinner table with my wife and kids and totally changing my energy space from hard charging entrepreneur. I'm going to attack the world to I love my wife, I love my sons, and I want to be the present father. That takes discipline. It just does. Right. Like, I would be curious.
- [18:19]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And I'm. And I use. I use Alex Hormozi in this. In this. Because he is, he's. He's basically taken the baton from what Gary Vee used to say. Right. Gary Vee was like hardcore hustle culture. He was the OG of that for the most part. Her mosey is now saying that too. Right. Like, that's like, he's brought that back into the forefront. And I would just be curious, like, how much fun do you have on vacation, Alex?
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
I mean, he and Layla have talked before in videos about. And I'm the same way, though, by the way. Right. Like, I have a hard time sitting still, which is something I'm working on developing. So, man, I love.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Wait, let me stop.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah, please. So.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
So I agree. And I do too. But imagine how amazing it would be. Imagine how much more life fulfillment you'd have if you were able to be an unbelievable hard charger and then be able to flip a switch and be an unbelievable present. Human on vacation.
- [19:14]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
So here's the way I look at this broadly, right. You've heard growth mindset, right? Carol Dweck, the mindset book. I believe we're, we're malleable, we're adaptable, constantly. I don't know how long your addiction lasted. I always talk about my addiction. Kind of took me about seven years out of life. There was a started really getting super heavy in the middle of college. 26 got out of jail. Right.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Still with how long were you in jail?
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Just a one year but I had a seven year suspended sentence. So if I screwed up again, I had seven years added to whatever the next thing is.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
What was the worst thing that you experienced in jail?
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
That's a good question. I mean I got in two big fights
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
where you had to protect yourself or you had to stand up for yourself.
- [20:01]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Well, no, guys just kind of, kind of got called out and like gang tackled. One of those was scary. One of those was just dumb. But another one was a little scary. You know, you talked about fear as being a predominant emotion. I feel like jail, maybe prison less so because you're more consistent. But jail, you're really transient, right? You're, I mean I was facing 13 felonies, gun charges, et cetera. I'm in cells with people who just killed somebody, multiple assaults and rapes like that population. And they're literally talking to each other across cells about who they're going to kill when they get out. So I was always saying like jail is the one place where you can be bored and scared at the exact same time. And just managing those emotions was hard because the lights are always on. Sleep is fleeting. You shower once or twice a week and they open the cell doors and it's like if you're not out in a minute, the cell doors close back out, you don't get the shower. But then even like there is no safe experience in jail and you have to kind of learn to live with lack of safety because it's everywhere. The good news, given the conversation we're having right now and you know, again, I talk about it unhooked on something that I really want to make sure that we cover based on what you just talked about. And that's a belief change you want to if anybody who's listening right now, and I know you help people so much with shifting their lives and moving towards discipline and figuring out how to create the life that they want for themselves, it All I think there's even a layer deeper, which is the belief, the perspective you have on the world, right? So when your belief changes, all of a sudden, things that were really hard are really easy. They're just not that hard anymore. So when I was in jail, people always ask me, like, how did you make it? And I go, first of all, nobody gives you an option. Nobody, nobody says on a daily basis, hey, are you okay? Do you want to get out? You're here. The same is true in life. You're going to wake up tomorrow, you made whatever plans for today and tomorrow, but you're going to wake up tomorrow and life is going to show up. Some will show up as expected. A lot will not. What I developed over time, even in my addiction, by the way, and even when I was selling drugs and especially in jail, was just own it. I tell the story about how that came to my mind, but you have to own your reality. You nobody's, you know, it's a whole nobody's coming. Nobody other than the people close to you care. And even the people who care, they can't do anything. You're here, and this is the moment, and how are you gonna show up for that moment? I mean, even, you know, I'll just say it on here. I was 10 minutes late showing up today. I hate being late. 15 years ago, it'd be excuses. Now I walk in, I'm like, I screwed up.
- [22:41]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Why?
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Because nobody cares. Just, of course there are reasons.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Own it.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
But own it, right? And own it when you're doing well, by the way, and own it when you're screwing up. So to. To the point you were making about discipline 100% over time, if you show up for yourself and the people around you, you develop confidence because you've done it. The thing that I think a lot of people mistake, you know, when you. When people see you now, they probably imagine you always had confidence, you always were disciplined. I listened to the story of that kid growing up right 8 to 11, and I imagine that there was a serious time in your life when you doubted everything. Everything was a question. Am I enough? Why is this happening to me? You know, am I more desirable? Less desirable? Am I evil? Am I good? I mean, so much probably going on in your head, and then that's just about you. I split up. I talk about this in the book too, but I think when it comes to belief, it's, how do you see yourself? How do you see other people? And how do you see the world? And so again, questions about yourself Certainly questions about other people. I mean, why are people doing this?
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Right.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
These are the people who are supposed to be protecting me. They're supposed to be safe. And this is what I'm getting. How do you trust other people? And then the world, is the world a dark place where you always got to watch out because, you know, you can't trust anybody. And we're, you know, the whole we're born alone, we die alone concept of life. Or is it a beautiful place where there are always gifts and you can, how, how you look at your life, other people and yourself in those three kind of orientations, I think completely determines what experience you're going to have in life. And so I love, I think, you sharing your story of how you can come from absolute darkness and through practices, not gifts, through practices. Get yourself to a place where now you can sit there at 6. Also hustle, turn the thing off, go to your family, enjoy vacation. In a way, I think that's like a, that's most people's fantasy, right? To be able to do well and enjoy it at the same time. I think it's a really, it's a juggling act. Not a lot of people have figured
- [24:49]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
out interrupting this episode to share with you that Creatures of habit finally launched our protein bar. It's called the Daily Bar. It's made with 20 grams of plant based protein, 3 grams of creatine. Yes, you heard that right. It also has 3 grams of creatine. It is incredibly tasty and clean as a whistle. All clean ingredients. Take this opportunity. Hop over to creaturesofhabit.com that's creaturesofhabit.com with a K and use code K O H P O D20 at checkout for 20% off your first order. Back to the pod. So I'm, I, I'm happy you said that because I don't think that I have figured it out, but I know I have seen enormous growth. Enormous growth. And I do think that we are sort of conditioned to believe that. At least when I grew up, I would imagine you and I are roughly the same age.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
49.
- [25:49]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Okay, so I'm 45. So we're, we're very close.
- [25:52]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [25:53]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And so we grew up in the 80s and, and the 90s. And growing up in the 80s and the 90s, there was only one thing that success equated to and it was just money. That was it. Right. Like you grew up in the 80s and the 90s. Nobody was talking about happiness. Nobody was talking about like happiness was money.
- [26:11]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
If you had money Right, right.
- [26:12]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Happy evil. Money equaled happiness. Success equaled happiness. I mean, success equaled money. And so there was only one pathway.
- [26:21]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
To this successful, happy life. As, as kids see being exposed to any kind of culture in the 80s and 90s in the United States of America.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
A lot of excess.
- [26:32]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Yeah, a lot of excess. Right. Like, what are you wearing, what are you driving? What does your house look like? What job do you have? What does your partner look like? Like, that was it. Right. And so now obviously, as we've evolved and it's, it's, you know, like if you think about it, right, like the evolution in human beings in the last 25, 30 years is, is crazy. It's. It's hockey stick style evolution. Not necessarily in the right. Direct. Right direction. Right.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
Some areas, yeah.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Right. So I kind of think about it like, so now success, in probably circles that we are loosely associated with or deeply associated with success, the conversation of success has changed. Right.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
It's certainly taken on more color.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
More color.
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Dr. Adi Jaffe
There, There are variants for sure. Yeah.
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Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
So I just think that like when you talk about the belief system, change in belief, When it comes to fear, when it comes to confidence, and those two are kind of like opposites almost in, in some way the stories we tell ourselves are ultimately the stories that we believe.
- [27:45]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah. And then the stories that we live.
- [27:47]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
So how do you. To the person listening that's like. Yeah, I just, yeah, like I hear you guys talking about, you know, belief and like to that person who is struggling or who's like caught in that fear based mindset. Right. And one thing that I did want to mention also is like the way I thought about fear for years or the way I used to kind of think about it in my head, specifically when I was going through my early sobriety days was like, fear's a box, right. And it's always going to be there. There's fear is always there. Am I, am I sitting in the box or am I acknowledging the box is there, but am I in fear? Or can I put my arm around fear and say, hey, dude, I know you're here, I see you. I'm not going to let you impede my path. I know you're here because if you're sitting in the box, it's very tight quarters.
- [28:44]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah. You know, man, I wish I had like my notepad. There's so much I want to talk about here. I'll try to break this down slowly. I'm going to talk about abundance and scarcity in a second because I think that has A lot to do with this fear piece. I want to. Again, not only am I in fear or am I acknowledging it, I think the mistake many of us make talk about a perception shift, is we feel like we are fearful. We become fear.
- [29:14]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Right?
- [29:14]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
I'm a really fearful person. How many times, oh, I'm really anxious, right? Oh, I'm always scared. I'm depressed. They're not. People aren't saying, I experience depression. They're saying I am depression. And when you own the identity of being fearful, you're walking like. It's like your brain has to then orient, right? Where is it going to pay attention to what's scary? So I'm going to give credit to a good friend of mine, Chris Harder, who's the one who taught me this. I grew up in scarcity. I literally might tear up as I tell this story here. Because, like, Holocaust survivor family, my mom's life could not have been nice growing up. Mom. Her mom barely made it out of Poland. Left half the family behind, expecting them to come behind. Never did. So she lost her parents, her oldest two siblings as a kid. She was like nine years old, getting on a train, ended up in Israel, homeless, right? Like, nothing. Right. So the country took care of people, etc. So that's. Then she met another Holocaust survivor, my grandfather. They connected, had kids. It wasn't joy. Like, it wasn't. Nobody was playing music. It wasn't fun. And I'm not saying all Holocaust survivor families are that. I'm just saying that's what I. My mom was born into. You were lucky to just be alive. Take. Don't take anything for granted. Whatever you have right now, they could take it away from you tomorrow. That's the mentality. So I grew up in that mentality. Really fearful, always make sure you're safe, et cetera. So I. I didn't know to call it that back then. But I'd have the scarcity mindset about life. If I get money, I'm taking it out of your pocket, which means I better figure out how to take some shit out of your pocket, because I need the money. Right back to the money being a success thing. So in that I grew up in that mindset, I was doing pretty well. I talked about. We talked a little bit about the addiction. But even when I came out of it, I came out of the addiction. I still looked at the world. My perception of the world was still that I got to get mine, you got to get yours. It's a competition. If I don't have enough Money in the bank. What's going to happen tomorrow? Constantly in fear. My wife doesn't live in that space. Sophie grew up in an environment where even though she they didn't have a lot, there was this concept of everything will be fine. So I marry this woman I'm dating and engaged first, too. But dating this woman and then married her, that looks at the world completely in an opposite way. And we would have fights about this all the time, because as we're working, you know, the bank account is getting low, and I'm freaking out. Are we going to make rent next month? It's not like we ever missed rent, but I would be. Every month I'm freaking out. She's got to show me, here's the money that's coming in. I'm trying to go hustle on my own. So that's literally how I lived. And then Chris, my friend, and I were sitting at dinner one time, and he always talks about his abundance mindset. I'm like, all right, my wife has this thing. I have the opposite. Walk me. I need to understand how. How did you get to this place? And he told me a version of this that I never heard before that moment. And it really helped me understand it if it helps anybody else right now. Because, again, I think belief change is where you need to put most of your effort. If you can look at the world differently, Wayne Dyer said it, change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. So we're sitting there and he said, look, let's say you're an artist and you go to Michael's. You go to a paint store, and you buy $100 worth of supplies, and you work on it for three weeks. You make this beautiful piece of art, and then you go sell it, and somebody's willing to pay you $10,000 for that piece of art. If you take the 10 grand, are you getting up on them? Are you taking advantage of the person who wants your $10,000 drawing? It only costs you 100 bucks and, like two weeks of work. Money is everywhere. The question isn't whether there's enough money or not. The painter did something that the person with the 10 grand couldn't do. They took paint, raw materials, and they turned them into a beautiful piece of art. That, to that person, was worth ten grand. Given where they are in their life, that's not taking advantage of somebody else. You took. You created $10,000 worth of value. Well, $9,900 worth of value, right From a hundred bucks isn't that what we all do. I mean, you're sitting here in front of a microphone, you're delivering. We're having a conversation. The hope, my hope, at least in coming here today. My hope and prayer is that one person listens to our conversation today and it makes their life a little better. How much money is that worth? I don't know. But the point is, money is not finite. We. We walk in circles now. I'm lucky to say this, but I walk around in circles right now. Money's not a problem. There's more than enough money. The question is, are you looking at your life in a way where you're flowing in with where resources exist, or are you always living in fear? Back to your original point, which sets you then apart because if you look at the people they have and the people that don't have and you believe that we have to pick sides, then we're not working together towards that common goal. Right. You've talked about the interview that you heard. I. This was not my perception earlier on in life, but now that I've adopted this, this new mindset, if I contribute, if I do my best to continue being the best, that's where passion comes in for me. If I wake up every morning, Michael, and I just work hard to be the best person that I can be, whatever that means, I'm not giving to it. I have to believe that I will provide value out in the world and then I'll get what I need to get back. Mm. But holy. Did that completely shift the level of anxiety and stress and fear that I would have every single day? Because before, I always thought nothing was enough. I was in that 80s 90s mindset of I've got to chase and chase and chase. And I still work hard. I probably work too hard. I don't spend enough time with my family. I'm still trying to kind of learn to let some of those things go. But I believe it starts with your perception and your belief. How do you look at the world? And so you know, that conversation, that single. I remember where we were sitting at dinner when Chris kind of laid that out for me. And the idea that we make, we create value and then we get rewarded for it from the universe somehow, is completely different way of looking at the world than this competitive dog eat dog world.
- [35:29]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
I was having dinner with somebody last night and. And he said something to me that I've heard many times and I probably used myself. Which was the transition that he's had was when he stopped looking at life as happening to him, but for him in all cases, if I can genuinely have an optimistic outlook, and sometimes it requires fake it till you make it.
- [36:03]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Sure.
- [36:04]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
But if I can genuinely have an optimistic outlook on everything that happens, everything that happens, good and bad, I break my, my, my leg. Well, maybe I need to slow down a little bit, take some more time reading, give my body a break, you know, like if you can do that, right. Chances, like if you can genuinely do that, chances are you will be more fulfilled in life. Right. Like if you could genuinely have an optimistic outlook on, on life no matter what happens. And, and you know, for me, coming up, really, I believe my life actually started when I was 24 years old. Like, that's when I, that's when everything is that we got sober as when I got sober. So like prior to 24 to 24, I got sober at the. In August 2nd of 2004. So I was 23. My birthday was a couple of months later. Prior to 22 to August 2, 2004. If I really look back at my life, the trajectory was just not up and to the right. You know what I mean?
- [37:13]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah. Yes. It was like that. Yes.
- [37:16]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Yeah. It wasn't up into the right. It was down and to the right. And like everything after that legit has been up and to the right. Every, everything my whole life is. My whole life from that day has just gone like this. Now it doesn't mean that there haven't been moments where I've been terrified, moments where I. Where that were hard and painful and I struggled. But every single thing that happened from that day forward has been up and to the right.
- [37:47]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [37:47]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And what it boiled down to for me was discipline. And I think that is like, because fear and outlook, like, it's almost impossible to have a positive outlook on life if you don't like the person you see in the mirror.
- [38:14]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah. So you use this phrase, fake it till you make it. I do believe that. Sure. Sometimes we have to. Because part of what you're saying, if you fake it, you're still doing the thing. And if you keep doing the thing, you'll get better practiced at it. And eventually you won't have to fake it because you're just good enough at doing the thing. Right. So that's why fake it till you make it works. But there's also another piece that I think is really, really important for people to point and this is why we talked about research. I think the reason studying all these principles make sense is you never know what the one thing that will shift your Belief is. But all you need is one. You need one little fact that makes you look at things differently. So you talked about if you had an optimistic outlook. There's well established research. You don't need to even care about how many studies at this point. It's, it's a known fact people are happy or not objective. They are biased towards positivity. They over exaggerate their likelihood of success, they over exaggerate their own abilities, and then they over exaggerate the, the status that they currently have. Right. So it's, they look, they, it's like the pink glasses. Right, the rose colored glasses concept. That's true. That's a, that's a real psychological finding. Now I used to believe that my goal is to be as realistic and objective as possible. And then I got older, I was like, well, actually I think I'd like to enjoy this a little bit while I'm going through it maybe and not just be an asshole to everybody all the time and anxious and stressed out. I'd like to have a little fun and enjoyment. So then I started looking for the tools, like what will allow me to do that. And when I learned that finding, which I'd learned it in school, but I started having to make a decision, how am I going to choose to look at things? So back to the example you gave with a broken leg. I have that literal example. Right. So I broke my leg in the motorcycle accident that got me arrested, which is how I ended up in jail, facing 15 to 20 years in prison, 13 felonies. That started because I got on a motorcycle. Well, it started because I was selling drugs, but the cops arrested me in a motorcycle accident. At the time, the motorcycle accident was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Broke my leg, couldn't walk for a year, got me arrested. Facing 20 years in prison, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Because as I was doing that, so I was selling drugs, I had a couple of guys who were above me. One of the guys that was my direct dealer, the guy that I bought the most from, was facing a federal case in central California. Eight defendants. A big case. Right.
- [40:50]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And you were selling crystal methods.
- [40:51]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
I was. We were like a 7 11. We sold everything.
- [40:53]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Got it.
- [40:54]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
I mean, I was getting gallons of G buckets of like literally hefty bags of mushrooms. I mean we were selling a quantity a lot like potato sacks of ecstasy. I mean, it was an insane amount of drugs that we were selling. I was making clearing, like profit, like 3 to 400,000 a year at 25. Right. Certainly heading in the wrong direction, by the way. Money is not what makes you happy. So a month before that accident, my dealer took me into his basement to introduce me. Very quick, like, walk by introduction to his connection. Why? Because he knew he was facing federal time. And if you face federal time, you're not. You don't get out of that. Right. If the federal government is trying you, you're going to go to jail. Whether it's 20 years, 15 years or eight that's left, but you're going somewhere. So he knew that was happening. And he had cartel connections. They needed to keep the money flowing. So he introduced me. I was essentially setting me up to be at least one of. I don't know if the only. But one of the people would take over his business. A month after I got in that accident, he went to serve federal Tom. So if I would have been out for another month, I wouldn't have been caught with a half a pound of cocaine. I would now be the guy overseeing, you know, hundreds of kilos of cocaine moving through la. I wouldn't get a year in jail. I would have spent 15, 20, 30 years in prison. One month. So that accident was the stop sign that kept me out of spending decades in prison. Did it suck? It absolutely sucked. My leg hurt like a motherfucker and I couldn't walk for a year. Was it a pain to go through that whole process and go to jail? Absolutely. Was it better than what was on the other side? Yes. So I think, again, like, I like these metaphors. You want a good life, you're gonna have to go through some pain. That's just. There is no way that I've ever found that that's not true. But it doesn't mean you have to suffer through the pain. I think that's what you're saying. Because if you understand, I have fights with my wife, right? We've been married 16, 17 years, known each other 21 years. We fight still. But if I understand that this fight is because there's a gap, and my job is to get through the fight, not just push it to the side. Because then our relationship gets better. The whole cadence, the whole way we relate to one another is completely different. And I think going back to our starting point, while a lot of people have fear, they think that sublimating, ignoring, numbing, you know, shutting aside in a box, the fear is the way to get through it. But the real way to get through it is to open it wide open and just let it Sit there. Don't hide from it. You know, the shame you're feeling is a self judgment most of the time. Most of the time it's self judgment. It's the darkness inside of you feels so dark, so black that if anybody knows about it, they're never going to want to sit next to you, talk to you, let alone, you know, have you over for dinner. That's like, it's almost the opposite of what I found the entire rest of my life. You. What was the response when you shared with people? Because I remember seeing the, the story when you shared with people for the first time publicly about your abuse.
- [44:04]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
No, it was just enormous.
- [44:05]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
It was.
- [44:06]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
I got, you know, I don't know how many DMS of men just saying, thank you. Thank you. I have never told anybody about this. For me, and you just gave me some relief to feel a little bit more confident that there are other men that I look at as someone who I would consider successful sharing about that, you know, and then obviously, you know, thousands of comments that were just like, you know, bravo. Right. Things like that.
- [44:36]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
And that's not why you did it, right?
- [44:38]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
No.
- [44:38]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
The reason you did it was actually to, oh my God, I can't keep this inside.
- [44:41]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Well, I did it specifically because of what the hell is going on right now. And it, and it, you know, like my, all the Epstein stuff, like. Yeah, all the Epstein stuff. And, and you know, our, the way our country is dealing with it, which is like, I mean, I, I very rarely get political on this podcast, but, like, repress repression. You know, coincidentally, as we're at the precipice of this Epstein file thing, we drop a bomb on Iran within the same week. Right. And we're just known to deflect anything that would threaten a potential leader or leaders. Right. And so I'm not saying that we're at war with Iran right now because of the Epstein files, but I do find it interesting that no one's talking about the Epstein files in the media right now. They're all talking about we're at war with Iran and what's going to happen. Right. So I, I did it because I think that, like, it's such Epstein files are at such a large scale. It's so un, un relatable for people because it, it, it, it's the people that the names that are coming up are at such a high caliber human in terms of just like what we think of as success and like leadership.
- [45:59]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [45:59]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
That like there is, that's like a small subset of, although equally as Terrible as, like, the millions of men and women that have. That have experienced sexual abuse, that have just not felt comfortable talking about it. And so that's what motivated me to really do it.
- [46:17]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
And then if I can, I want to go even one step farther. Think of the millions who've had this, by the way, on both sides, right? Women and. Totally. Right. But certainly men talk about it less, but. So all these women and men have had these experiences, and I haven't. But I've sat in enough rooms, had enough really deep conversation with enough people who have that at least. This is. This is the story I tell myself of why this is so important to get out. You're a child. You think the world is relatively good. Let's imagine you've had a pretty good childhood up. The world's pretty good. People want to play with you, they want to support you, they feed you. You go to sleep, everything is nice. And then a bomb drops, and it shifts the entire way. You see everything yourself, other people in the world.
- [47:05]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
You mean the abuse?
- [47:06]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
The abuse, yeah.
- [47:08]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
So can I just say something about that, though? So. So I think there's obviously different levels to it, right? And I think someone coming out of nowhere and, like, legitimately, like, raping you is a bomb drop, right? Like, that's like, life is good. Like, you know, potentially good. Family, home, like, all of us. And then all of a sudden you get. You get, like, sexually abused by someone randomly. Unfortunately, from my experience and the people that I've spoken to and the stories that you'll hear typically are not that there's a grooming process that takes place so that when it was happening to me, I thought it was totally normal. Like, I didn't have that reflection at 9, 8, 9, 10 years old. To think what is happening to me is catastrophically wrong. As a matter of fact, loved the man that was molesting me like a father because he groomed me to believe that he was better than my father in. In terms of how he treated me. And he was, like, celebrated in the community, which is typically also the. The guys that do this to boys, right?
- [48:18]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Or.
- [48:18]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And girls. So I just. But so it's really interesting that, that, like, you know, I didn't actually come to realize what had happened to me until I was deep in the throes of my addiction at, like, 16, 15, 16 years old. That's when I was like, wait a second.
- [48:36]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah, I've heard that many times.
- [48:38]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Well, you know, like. And this is another thing that most men wouldn't be comfortable talking About. But when that have had this experience, when I realized what happened, the amount of shame and confusion that just consumed me. Am I gay? Am I gay? Like, did I want that because I liked it? I don't know if I liked it because I didn't know what it was at the time, but I certainly liked him. Yeah, he made me feel loved. Yeah. That's what I thought love was. And wait a second. Like, this is confusing now. Yeah, like, did I want that? And I just went through a period that was so dark. So, like, that's all to say, you know, like, it's when.
- [49:28]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
When. When the realization hits, you could be a totally different point. And I have a question, so thank you for sharing that because I think I've heard both versions of the story. No doubt. And many of the men realize it until. First of all, they never share that story. So they sometimes don't realize until they're married. And all of a sudden sexual proclivities come up that they can't really explain to their partner. And then they go in deeper and it's. That's. That's when the bomb goes off sometimes. So, I mean, it certainly can happen at different points in time. How is your relationship with men generally, other than this man after that?
- [50:13]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Oh, that's a good question. I have a very, very, very difficult time letting people through my very, very tightly wound force field. I am great. I'm a great friend, but. And I have. I love humans and I get along with everybody.
- [50:42]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [50:42]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
But letting you in. In. It's very difficult. Very, very, very, very, very hard for me. Yeah, very hard.
- [50:50]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
There's about.
- [50:51]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
There's three, four. Three or four people on the planet.
- [50:53]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [50:54]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
That are there.
- [50:55]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
So I think. I think the thing that I. I was saying, and I really, really appreciate the context and the nuance because I think the fear sometimes in telling these stories is people say, well, that those facts were different than mine, so it doesn't relate. And I think you giving that nuance about the different points, it's like these, like, inflection points. Right. There was when the grooming started. There was when the behavior escalated. There was later when you found out, and then how it impacts your life moving forward. All those are kind of different phases.
- [51:23]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Right.
- [51:24]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
All by the same behavior. But you said something that I think is key. You said it felt normal. And I think a lot of people grow up with what they think is normal when they're growing up. And at some point something happens to make them realize, oh, that wasn't normal. And The. The personal conflict that can happen when you realize that, you know, again, I've had clients who I've worked with who, let's say, drunk fathers who just beat them regularly. And they thought that was normal, right? And it was like they were 15, 16, 20 when they realized, oh, people's dads don't normally just beat them. And so I think that I felt like it was normal. Peace. It was normal for you. And now let's go back into the world you were talking about. The way people are responding right now. I think the reason these conversations are important, people like you coming out and speaking and being so forthright about this is important, is I think, whether we like it or not, this ends up being one of those divisive inner armors so many of us develop because we've been hurt in our own ways, because we've had trust broken in our own ways. We don't let people in, but we don't want to share the pain. That is the reason why we're not letting people in, because that feels like letting people in. So we end up in this conundrum, right? Why are people so freaked out about everything that's happening from every single angle? I think, again, just to go back, they're. They're scared, right? They're scared that it's going to destroy their way of life. They're scared that it's going to call into question their values, right? It's. We're going back to fear over and over and over in this episode. But it's just this concept of what is if what you're talking about is relatively normal, if it happens to mill. If it happens to millions of people, you can't say it's abnormal. You can't tell me that this thing happens to 5 to 8% of the population and it's abnormal. It's happening to millions and millions of people. That's not abnormal. What does that mean? What does that mean about our society? What does it mean about all of us and how we should be relating to one another? And then if I meet a guy, so I'm a man. You're a man. If, like, if I meet a guy and there's friction between us because we're not letting each other in, and the rules and the standards are so guarded, I think a lot of us make the mistake of thinking it's about me. And now it's that shame cycle goes right back, oh, the reason. The reason I don't get along with other men is because there's something wrong.
- [53:53]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
With me.
- [53:54]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
And it keeps going and just reinforces that fear. And, you know, in the book, I talk about workaholism, I talk about porn addiction, I talk about gambling. You know, their bosses are just assholes to the people they work with, and they scream at them. That's a. To me, that's like a. That's an addiction. Right. It's a compulsive leaning on anger and getting big in order to reinforce your value at work. They're all damaging all of us. Right? All these behaviors. You don't have to drink a lot or shoot a heroin to damage yourself and the people around you. You can just watch porn all day and disconnect from other humans because you don't need the human connection now that you have porn. Or you can gamble your life away, or you can be the boss that everybody's scared of and nobody wants to get close to. And in your head, the story isn't. Oftentimes I'm an asshole, and that's why nobody wants to get close to me is people don't understand me. And if, like, we live in a world where you sharing your kind of story and other people sharing that story allows us to understand that vulnerability is okay, at least. And in reality, it might even be a. A valuable, powerful driver of evolution for each one of us.
- [55:05]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
You know, the fear has obviously been the sort of crux of this conversation, right?
- [55:10]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [55:11]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And I think what I'd like to say here as we kind of wind this thing down is fear is a story 95% of the time. And I can tell you this. I could tell you why I was working with a coach, and the coach, we were reading a book, and he was like, hey, I want you to read this book. I want you to read a couple of pages a day, and then I want you to turn to the back of the book, and I just want you to write out after you read. Doesn't have to relate to what you read. I just want you to write what you're afraid of. Just random fear. Right. It could infl.
- [55:58]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
The.
- [55:58]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
The reading could influence it, or it just doesn't have to just, like, give yourself two minutes to reflect and then just literally write out a couple of things that you're actually afraid of right now. And so he asked me to do that, and then he never said. He didn't talk about it for, like, a month.
- [56:15]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [56:15]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And then I said, hey, I've been doing this, you know, like. Like, where is we going here? And he was like, oh, don't. Just keep Doing it. So he had me do that for, like, two and a half months, right? And then he said, oh, remember those fears? Are you still doing those fears? I was like, yeah, I'm still doing this fears. He's like, okay, now let's go to the back of the book and. And let's start reading those fears. And we did, and we started reading the fears. And he was like. He's like, do me a favor, Star. The fears that you had, that actually came to fruition. And I was looking at them, and it was like. And then he was like, and the ones that did not come to fruition, just draw a line through. And I was like,
- [57:03]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
yeah.
- [57:06]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And it was just like, line, line, line, line. Oh, this one maybe hasn't happened. You know, the. This fear is a little bit longer down the road. Maybe this hasn't happened yet.
- [57:16]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [57:16]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And he said to me, he's like, the fear is fabricated in your mind most of the time. Not all the time, but most of the time, vast majority of time, we create them. We create the fears. And if you can be cognizant of that, and that practice is such a great practice. So anybody listening? I would just say, hey, if you can give yourself the grace of taking a few minutes every day just to reflect and just write out your fears and then go back three months later and just look at them and review and see how many of those fears have actually come to fruition.
- [57:48]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
I love that. I say to my clients a lot, even a lot of the executives that I work with, because in finance, there's so much fear about not hitting their marks and not making their goals. So I say, look, excitement and anxiety feel exactly the same in the body. The only difference is your expectation of the future. So if you think about it, when you're excited about something, your heart races, your blood pressure goes up, you might get sweaty and jumpy, but you think something really cool is happening. You're about to get a gift. You're about to get something great, right? Anxiety. Your blood pressure goes up, your heart rate goes up, you get sweaty, you get jumpy, but you think something really bad's gonna happen. It's you projecting into the future. And if you can shift that piece like you were just talking about and just, again, shifting in beliefs, right? Shifting your practices, shifting how you go through the. You can shift that all of a sudden. Going out and giving a talk on a stage. Exciting, because I think it's going to go well coming here into this podcast. Exciting, right? Like, why would I be anxious? Because I may say something that I'll regret in the past.
- [58:52]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Right.
- [58:52]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
That's the fear that is driving anxiety and stress for the vast majority of people out there. So I love your, your version of a journaling that you got from that coach is a way to reaffirm that the vast majority of fears that we have are irrational and just future tripping is kind of how I talk about them. And most of them never come true.
- [59:14]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
I don't think that there's been any hard evidence of a human hard evidence, scientific proven evidence of a human being that has been able to go back in time and change a decision that they've made or go into the future and see what outcomes are the, the outcomes of the decisions that they make today. Right. Like, I don't think that there's, there is any hard evidence of that. Right. There's definitely like fortune tellers and things that, like, are mystical that people have sort of pointed to as like, okay, this person could potentially be a great guy, you know, psychic. Right. But I don't think that there's any hard evidence there. So I do think that a lot of this stuff that we, we, we spend a lot more energy thinking about than what is actually important, which is ultimately what's right in front of us can, can carry its weight. I want to, I want to finish with, with something that I. And it's a little bit of a, of a course shift, but you and I have been with our wives for the same amount of time. Oh, 21 years. Right.
- [60:24]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Awesome.
- [60:24]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And I'm celebrating 19 years of marriage in June. And you got 6, 17 marriage.
- [60:30]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah. In November.
- [60:33]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
So I want to know what it is that you believe has created this ability to stay with somebody for as long as you have. And, and then I have. After you answer that, I've got two more questions, but I, I just want to, I want to, I want you to, as, as someone who works in psychology, I can imagine that, you know. Well, I'm going to let you talk.
- [61:01]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
I mean, I'm going to go back to a theme that we've had here over and over, and that's discipline. With my wife, part of the discipline was to learn what I didn't know when we started and keep becoming a better partner. I think it's always easy to point out how the people in front of us can get better so that our lives will improve. It's a lot harder to look inwards and understand how we can change. My wife and I are pretty much the definition of yin and yang. It's kind of just we're almost complete opposites, and so oftentimes we don't see things eye to eye, and we kind of have to find that middle ground. And I think that's been one of our biggest gifts in our relationship. So that discipline has really, really helped. And the way we end up practicing most of the time is something I talked about earlier. When we have disagreements, when we have fights, when we don't see eye to eye, we keep coming back to the conversation. We don't let it go right until it gets resolved. And sometimes the resolution is, hey, I understand you now and respect it. I don't believe the same thing, and that's fine. But oftentimes there is this weird middle ground that you find that nobody else could have told you about, but you needed four hours of conversation with somebody you love. There's a level of trust you have to have with your partner, and I have that absolutely with Sophie, which is she has my best interest at heart. So she's telling me something that sounds insane to me, and I disagree with it. It's not because she means to hurt me. So why am I seeing it that way? Right. Why is it causing that effect?
- [62:35]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
So communication, obviously. Critical piece, huge commitment to communication. I agree wholeheartedly. But one thing that you said that I think is really interesting is the commitment to being a better partner. That I think is something that we miss, a lot of people miss. Because you're married for a long time. Potentially.
- [62:59]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah.
- [63:00]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
And the thought of being a better partner isn't necessarily a priority for lots of people in a marriage, because, like, if you're already married a long time, like, you're married. Right. But if the pr. If a focus is on being actually a better partner, no matter how long you're together, like, if you're like, hey, I'm. This is great, but I am going to focus on being a better partner. And that's an internal job. Right.
- [63:27]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
I think I look at everything in life that way. How long have you been podcasting?
- [63:33]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Six years.
- [63:34]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Do you. Are you always kind of looking out for ways to just make what you do better? Do you? You know, it's like watching tape as a football player. I don't know. I have this firm belief that I can always be better. And so I. I love that you ended up pointing that out. Marriage is one of those places, for sure.
- [63:54]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
What is the best decision you've ever made in your life?
- [64:00]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Other than marrying my wife? So marrying my wife was certainly one of the biggest and best decisions I'VE ever made.
- [64:06]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Would you say it was the best decision you made?
- [64:12]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Great. This is a great question. No, I mean, I think I'll. I'll go to one that got me to the point where I could meet my wife, to marry her, because there were things. So I tell a story. I won't tell it this time, but it'll take five minutes. But the way I got out of my addiction, not the day I got sober, but the way I got out of my addiction was in a conversation with my dad where I just fucked up royally. I mean, royally. I had been in rehab for three months, using meth every day for the last two months. Got caught, kicked out of rehab. I was facing 15 years in prison. And in a conversation with my dad, it was the first moment that I took full ownership of the fuck up. There were no excuses. I wasn't trying to look for somebody to blame, and I wasn't looking for him to solve it for me. It was the first moment in my life. I was 25, 26 years old, 25. And it was the first time that I was like, this is mine. I own this mistake I have to fix. Took me weeks to figure out how to fix it, but it completely changed the way I look at everything else in my life.
- [65:18]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
What was the worst decision you've made?
- [65:24]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
So many. I have a laundry list of really bad decisions. I'm gonna have to come back to that. I have to scan. I have to scan through my mind. It's hard when you live. I mean, you and I have lived similar lives on the. On the wrong side of the tracks sometimes. Hard to. To pinpoint where things went sideways, you know what I mean? Because there were so many little decisions that led to that. Cheating on my. She was my girlfriend at the time, but cheating on Sophie was probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made. But again. Right. It made us have to work really, really hard on the relationship, which is part of the reason why I think we're here. So. Yeah, I don't. I don't know. There's. I can point to so many bad decisions. Finding the worst is hard.
- [66:19]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
We've got this book, tell everybody a. Where they can follow you and where they can pick up the book and what they can expect from the book.
- [66:27]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
Yeah, sure. So the. The book is called Unhooked to the point that you and I talked about today, which I think really feeds into it. I think people point too much to what somebody's addicted to. Like, they're an alcoholic, they're a heroin addict, they're a meth addict. I think that's bullshit. You're focusing on the thing that the thing is not the problem. So unhooked is all about the deeper hooks that we talked about today. Fear, abuse, trauma, worthlessness, things of that nature that are tugging at us to cause the pain that then brings out the addiction. So that's what the book is about. And a lot of kind of step by step exercises and ideas on how to get to the other side of it. I am at Dr. Adjaffe everywhere. So D R and then a D, I, J, a F, F, E my name on all social media. I also have a website@thejaffee.com that people can get a hold and. And I really do urge. I mean what I said there in the middle. I love these conversations, but I primarily love them because I really hope that just one more person, right, we've gone through a lot of pain through our addictions. I want one person who's struggling in the world in whatever way with their relationship, with their job, with their addiction, to get some help. So if I can be of help in that area, let me know.
- [67:38]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Dude, what a great conversation. I think I could talk to you for hours and hours and hours legitimately. Like, I feel like we could just ping pong all day long. So this is awesome. Thank you so much for coming on the show, guys. I like, I was so engaged in this conversation. I couldn't stop my brain from trying to get more out of adi. This was a really, really good one. And I think what I'm going to take away from this conversation and I would want to leave you all with is that fear is ultimately alive, well and present in all of our lives all the time. It's not going anywhere. However, what I have drawn and extrapolated here is that it is a story. And if you can take a moment to breathe, pause, and do your best to change your belief system, probably reading unhooked would be a great first step. But if you could take a moment to change your belief, right? Like belief is so powerful. The thoughts in between our own ears are so, so powerful. But at the end of the day, you probably don't have complete control over your first thought, but your second thought and the action that you take after those thoughts, you actually do have maybe not 100% control, but far more control than you believe. So I really appreciate you guys subscribing to the podcast, tuning in, listening to the creatures of a pod. I love doing this show. This show is just like, it fills me up so much, and I hope it fills you up as well. Giving us a five star rating and a review would mean a lot.
- [69:34]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
It would.
- [69:34]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna shamelessly ask for that. But really, the only rent I ask you guys to pay, and you know, I say this all the time, is to share the podcast. That is ultimately all I ask of you guys, to truly do. Share about it on social media, send it to a friend, send it to a family member. This one, I think you can send to anybody. And they are going to, they're going to walk away. Better. Better. Whether they're, you know, sitting at the top of the mountain or trudging at the, at the base camp. I love you guys. I appreciate y'.
- [70:10]
Dr. Adi Jaffe
All.
- [70:10]
Host of Creatures of Habit Podcast
Until the next one, Peace.