← Kreatures Of Habit Podcast 
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I grew up in a household that was chaotic, that was pretty scary, not safe. My father was very ill physically. He was a type 1 diabetic. He had heart disease and he did not take care of himself. I believe I have correlated physical illness, sickness to pain and being a burden. That is the only thing that I can draw a direct correlation to why I have this irrational fear of getting ill with some sort of a terminal illness. And so I've spent the last year interviewing facilitators, asking everybody I know who has experience in the world of plant medicine to talk me through it, because it's very difficult for a person in sobriety to take this step because without my sobriety, I lose everything. I have not had a mood or mind altering substance in my system for over 21 years. I want to say that I'm very, very nervous about it. The facilitator that I have locked in with and asked me a question and she said, how would it feel to no longer have this fear? And I don't know what that would feel like, but I do know that I would absolutely love if that was a possibility for me. An entrepreneur straight out of New York City, Michael Chernow. What's cracking? All right, welcome back to Monday Moments. It's Monday, maybe for you. And I want to talk about something that will probably seem somewhat controversial for. Well, maybe not. Maybe that's just. Just me judging. But I'm going to talk about it anyway. So for the last year and change, I have been exploring the idea of using plant medicine to help me unravel some deep, deep rooted traumas that surface in my life from time to time. And I cannot shake. I, as many of you know, have been in recovery for 21 years and 10 months, nine months, long time, big chunk of my life. And there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that sobriety is the priority for me. Why am I exploring plant medicine, very specifically psilocybin. And there is potential for actually psilocybin and MDMA together in a very therapeutic setting with a facilitator and guide. So I grew up in a household that was chaotic, that was pretty scary for a young child and not safe. My father was very ill physically. He was a type 1 diabetic. He had heart disease and he did not take care of himself. So he was physically ill and also mentally ill. Had he gone for some sort of a therapeutic evaluation, a mental, emotional evaluation, chances are he would have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, eventually schizophrenia, potentially, based on how he was acting at the end of his life which was a long time ago. He died 23 years ago, 2001. 24 years ago. Wow. 20, 25 years ago, actually. So it was very difficult living in that household. And I lived there from 0 from birth to 15 when I finally was able to move out of there. But prior to that, I was exposed to a lot of just tough stuff. And because he was sick physically, I believe I have correlated physical illness sickness to pain and being a burden. Not only was he sick, and, you know, I witnessed a number of pretty severe diabetic seizures that he had when I was very young that are very clear in my memories that were traumatic for me because he would be convulsing blue in the face, foaming at the mouth. You know, they had to open up his jaw and like stick something in there so he didn't bite off his tongue. It was really, really traumatic. But he was also a massive burden. Not because he was sick, but because of how he conducted as a human being. And it was really difficult to be around. So I think the trauma for me is like fear of getting sick with some sort of a terminal illness. My father died at 57 and being a burden to my family, that is the only thing that I can draw a direct correlation to why I have this irrational fear of getting ill with some sort of a terminal illness product. Specifically cancer is where my head goes. So if my health is threatened in any way, if I find a lump or a bump or I, you know, I did one of those full body MRI scans and they found a little benign lesion in my liver. I go into a downward spiral and I can't shake it. I just can't shake it. And I shut down. And I shut down, I disconnect, I disassociate. And it's not only like in incredibly painful for me, but also for my family. And it doesn't happen all the time, but when it happens, it is fast and furious and devastating for me. And I. Even with my. My prayer meditation, my fitness, my connecting with others, I can't shake it. And I do believe that there is going to be some sort of doom and gloom when it comes to my health. And it's not, not necessarily a fear of death, but it's more a, like, it's hypo B. It's like, like I'm a hypochondriac on steroids. And it, it just, it. It overwhelms me. It is all encompassing and it really sucks. And I've done breath work, I've done, you know, I'VE been, I've been in the 12 steps for years. I've done a bunch of step work and really have worked on myself. Um, but this is the one thing in my life that is always a low hum. It's always there. And then when it triggers through some sort of a threat to my health, it is, it is like the, the gorilla in the room for me and I can't shake it. So I've started exploring alternative routes in rewiring my neuropathways. How can I do this? I've thought of hypnotherapy, you know, and I've heard success there. But really where I have identified some of the greatest sort of trauma therapies is in these plant medicine experiences that people have. And so I've spent the last year interviewing facilitators, asking everybody I know who has experience in the world of plant medicine to talk with me, talk me through it, because it's very difficult for a person in sobriety to take this step. Because I, I, I really do prioritize my sobriety because without my sobriety, I lose everything. I know that. I know how I am with everything else in my life, with my fitness, with my nutrition, with my fatherhood, with my family, with my business, I just go hard. And so it's very, very scary for me. However, the facilitator that I have locked in with asked me a question and she said, how would it feel to no longer have this fear, this when this threat comes? How would it feel to not go to the absolute end of the end of the world immediately as your first thought? And I don't know what that would feel like, but I do know that I would absolutely love if that was a possibility for me. And so after a lot of thought and contemplation and diligence and research and interviewing of facilitators, I have decided to go forward with this and I have a two day journey on June 9 and June 10. June 9 will be the actual facilitation of the journey. It's either going to be all psilocybin or a blend of psilocybin and mdma. And the reason for the MDMA is that the facilitator that I'm working with has essentially articulated this idea that MDMA opens the heart and it makes, it does make for a softer landing for the psilocybin. But also MDMA is incredible for dealing with PTSD and trauma and it goes right to the trauma. This is her words, not mine. It goes right to the trauma and Psilocybin could potentially dance around the trauma a little bit or take you in a totally different direction and not even touch upon the trauma, because the psilocybin medicine wants to show you something else. So I am giving her the keys to the car and sort of guiding me down this journey. I want to say that I'm very, very nervous about it. I have not had a mood or mind altering substance in my system for over 21 years. And I also want to make it clear that I am not endorsing this for anyone, especially if you're in sobriety, especially if you're in early sobriety. But because this community means so much to me, I wanted to come on here and just share that. This is something that I have been exploring, researching, and then now ultimately have committed to doing. And I cannot wait. Even though I'm terrified and I'm scared of it, I can't wait to share my experience with you guys once it's all said and done. I go from June 10 to June, June 9 to June 10 doing this. And then eight days later is the Return to Self men's retreat that I host on my property every year. And we have 30 men coming here to really do some work, spiritual work, deep emotional work, breath work, sweat lodge, somatic work. And in my mind, I'm like, if I can. If I can clear these neural pathways or repave some of these neural pathways, these deep rooted negative feedback loops that I have in my brain and then go right into this men's retreat, I just see that as being such a monumental way to potentially release some of these traumas. Really, I do. So I wanted to get on here and share that with you all. I really do look at this community as a way for me to connect with and jam with you guys and just be real and raw. And that's what I'm doing here right now. So, of course you can always DM me if you. If you're listening to this and you've got some. Some insight or you want to share something, an experience that you've had, I'd love to. I'd love to hear from you. I appreciate you guys listening to this podcast. I hope you have an unbelievable week. And thank you for subscribing. Thank you for subscribing. And if you're not subscribed, please do right now. It's so easy. Just hit the subscribe button, share the podcast, and I'll see you on the next one, y'. All. Peace, Ra.