Kwik Brain with Jim Kwik

Episode: Your Brain on Love: From Lust to True Partnership with Jillian Turecki

Date: February 10, 2025
Guests: Jillian Turecki, Relationship Coach, Author of It Begins With You
Host: Jim Kwik

Episode Overview

In this episode, Jim Kwik is joined by renowned relationship coach and author Jillian Turecki to explore the science, psychology, and neurobiology of love. Together, they dive into how our brain and body respond to love, the difference between lust and lasting partnership, and practical strategies for healing and growth after heartbreak. The conversation offers insights for anyone wanting to understand their relationship patterns, build healthier connections, and rewire their brain for meaningful love.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Core Message: "It Begins With You"

(01:31-05:13)

• Self-Compassion & Personal Responsibility:
  Jillian emphasizes that while we're not the sole "problem" in all our relationships, we are always the common denominator. The journey towards better relationships starts with self-awareness and self-compassion—not self-blame.
  • Quote:

    “You are the change that you wish to see in your relationships. It’s like Gandhi says, we are the change that we wish to see in the world.”
    — Jillian Turecki (03:08)

• Balancing Shame & Forgiveness:
  Recognizing areas for growth without excessive shame is vital. Mistakes are universal and often rooted in deep fears of not being "enough" and losing love.
• Influence of Brain Chemistry & Conditioning:
  Childhood experiences, trauma, cultural and psychological conditioning, as well as neurobiology, all shape how we act in love.

2. Why We’re Attracted to Certain People

(05:13-08:03)

• Psychological Theories:
  • Often, we are unconsciously drawn to partners who remind us of a parent—especially the one with whom we have unresolved issues—seeking to "rewrite history."
  • Some, however, are attracted to the opposite of problematic parental figures.
• Role of Biology:
  • Hormones like estrogen (in women) affect attraction—inclining individuals toward those with perceived security/providership traits, especially during peak reproductive years.
  • Quote:

    “The role of estrogen is looking for protection and safety and providership.”
    — Jillian Turecki (07:45)

• Beyond Surface Traits:
  • Chemistry is not a substitute for communication skills, emotional maturity, and capacity for love.

3. Lust vs. Love: Breaking Down the Chemistry

(08:49-12:36)

• Lust Is Not Love:
  • Intense physical or emotional excitement at the start often stems from a "mini crisis" in the brain.
  • Dopamine and cortisol surge—leading to feelings of obsession and rumination; serotonin drops, fueling emotional agitation and instability.
  • Quote:

    “When we first meet someone and we're really excited about them...there's almost like a little mini crisis that's happening because we are not in control anymore.”
    — Jillian Turecki (09:11)

• The Bonding Transition:
  • As relationships deepen, the crisis fades. Oxytocin (“bonding hormone”) increases, particularly for women, fostering emotional closeness.
  • Women typically bond more intensely after sex due to higher estrogen-oxytocin interplay; men experience less oxytocin, explaining divergent responses to intimacy.
  • Quote:

    “Women, especially women who produce a fair amount of estrogen, produce that [oxytocin] more... This is also why women...once they sleep with them, they're going to feel very bonded. Whereas men…not nearly to the same degree.”
    — Jillian Turecki (11:38)

4. Navigating Heartbreak & Breakups

(12:53-17:32)

• Acute Emotional Shock:
  • Post-breakup feelings mirror withdrawal from addictive substances due to shared neural pathways.
  • Nervous systems become synchronized with long-term partners; separation leads to a crisis of identity and emotional turmoil.
• Healing Strategies:
  • Talk it out: Externalizing thoughts by talking or journaling prevents emotional overwhelm.
  • Move your body: Even gentle movement or stretching supports emotional processing and nervous system regulation.
  • Find safe company: Surround yourself with people who anchor your sense of self.
  • Recognize the process: Embrace the stages of grief—depression, anger, denial, and eventually acceptance.
  • Quote:

    “Things are in our head and we don’t write them down, they have a tendency to become bigger and to like swallow us whole.”
    — Jillian Turecki (15:10) “What happens during a breakup is a crisis of identity.”
    — Jillian Turecki (16:21)

5. Practical First Steps To Positive Change

(17:32-18:53)

• Daily Body Movement:
  Any daily physical activity (even for 15 minutes) supports both emotional and mental well-being.
  • Quote:

    “If there's a conversation that you've been putting off…just notice how much stress that's actually causing you and just have the hard conversation.”
    — Jillian Turecki (18:11)

• Confront Avoidance:
  Unresolved conversations or issues generate ongoing stress; addressing them is freeing.
• On Being ‘Too Busy’:
  Time scarcity is itself a sign of living in survival mode; if you feel you can't spare 30 minutes for yourself, you likely need it more than ever.

6. Passion, Purpose, and the Mind–Body–Relationship Connection

(18:53-20:48)

• Current Explorations:
  Jillian is fascinated by the psychosomatic connection—how physical symptoms may be expressions of repressed emotions (anger, sadness) and how relational health can impact overall wellness.
  • Quote:

    “The pathway to healing is dealing with the emotions, not just dealing with the body...The state of your relationships can actually make you well or sick.”
    — Jillian Turecki (19:43)

• Social Networks as Brain Networks:
  Jim highlights that just as neurological connections matter, so do our social and relational connections for wellbeing and growth.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You are the change that you wish to see in your relationships.” — Jillian Turecki (03:08)
• “Mistakes…are part of the reality that is woven into the fabric of life.” — Jillian Turecki (04:32)
• “Lust is not love.” — Jillian Turecki (08:58)
• “When things are in our head and we don’t write them down, they have a tendency to become bigger and…swallow us whole.” — Jillian Turecki (15:10)
• “What happens during a breakup is a crisis of identity.” — Jillian Turecki (16:21)
• “The pathway to healing is dealing with the emotions, not just dealing with the body…The state of your relationships can actually make you well or sick.” — Jillian Turecki (19:43)

Recommended Resources

• Jillian’s Book: It Begins With You
• Jillian’s Podcast: Jillian On Love
• Connect: Find Jillian on social media by searching her name

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:31 – 05:13: The importance of self-compassion and personal responsibility in relationships
• 05:13 – 08:03: Why we’re attracted to some people (psychological and hormonal factors)
• 08:49 – 12:36: Distinguishing lust from love; chemistry and bonding
• 12:53 – 17:32: Understanding and healing after breakups; steps to regulate the nervous system
• 17:32 – 18:53: Practical steps for healing and growth
• 18:53 – 20:48: Jillian’s current explorations in mind-body health and relationships

Final Takeaways

• Self-awareness and self-kindness are at the root of healthy love.
• Understand the biological and psychological forces that fuel attraction and attachment.
• Distinguish between the dizzying feeling of lust and the stable foundation of real partnership.
• In heartbreak, seek support, move your body, and give yourself time—healing is physiological as well as emotional.
• Your relationships—especially your relationship with yourself—are central to your health and potential.

To learn more or connect with Jillian Turecki:
Visit jillianturecki.com, listen to her podcast Jillian On Love, and follow her on social media.

For more bite-sized brain hacks and the extended conversation, check out the Kwik Brain YouTube channel.