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Kwik Brain with Jim Kwik
Your Brain on Love: From Lust to True Partnership with Jillian Turecki
00:19:56
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Welcome to Kwik Brain Bite Sized brain hacks for busy people who want to learn faster and achieve more. I'm your coach, Jim Kwik.
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Free your mind. Let's imagine if we could access 100% of our brain's capacity.
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I wasn't high, wasn't wired, just clear.
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I knew what I needed to do.
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And how to do it.
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I know kung fu. Show me. Welcome back, Kwik Brains. I'm your host and your brain coach, Jim Kwik.
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Today we have a special guest who's.
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Going to help you to unlock not just better relationships, but a better understanding of yourself and the signals your body and your brain are sending you when you are in love. Jillian Tearecki is a renowned relationship coach, author of It Begins with youh, which I highly recommend. I'm holding a copy if you're watching this on our, on our YouTube where we put the extended version of this conversation. And she's about to share life changing.
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Truths that will help you to rewire.
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How you think about love and connections. I mean, just think about it. In a world where we're constantly seeking external solutions, Gillian is here to prove that the real transformation begins, as you all know, within. She spent the past two decades helping thousands of people revolutionize their relationships by understanding one crucial principle. You are the common denominator in every relationship you'll ever, ever have. Welcome to the show, Jillian.
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Thank you so much for having me and for that wonderful introduction.
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B
Jim, I know a lot of people are going to go out and get. It begins with you. Maybe you'd explain the core message of your book and why the idea when I was reading it of self compassion is so pivotal in your approach to mental and emotional health.
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When you were like introducing my book, you read this line of the common denominator in all our relationships is us. That does not mean that we are the only problem that you could have. One could have been in a relationship with someone where the other person was more a greater percentage of the bigger problem. But you chose that person and you still did things in that relationship that you're not proud of and you still maybe stayed in a relationship with someone who was incredibly problematic because you don't love yourself enough. So when we talk about the common denominator and this idea of it begins with you, it's not, it's not for people to think, well, then I guess I'm just a problem and whatever. What's, you know, what's the point? No, no, no. You are the change that you wish to see in your relationships. It's like Gandhi says, we are the change that we wish to see in the world. It is, it is the same theory. And so there's such a fine line that I think we straddle as human beings, which is that how do we have healthy shame for things that we've done that we should, that we know we should not have done, right? Because if we don't have any shame, then we don't have a conscience, right? So we have to have some awareness of like, oh man, that was a mistake, that wasn't right. I have to rectify that. How do we balance that with also self forgiveness and understanding that you making mistakes is not actually a unique thing, that we all make mistakes and we all behave in ways that we wish we hadn't and we all make decisions that were the wrong decisions. That's part of the reality that is woven into the fabric of life. And so this idea of it begins with you. So it's understanding your psychology, but also understanding that you have done the best that you could have done with the tools that you had. And by the way, most of the things that you've done, especially relationally speaking, that you're not proud of. If you peel away the onion and you get to the core of it, it's because of a fear of not being good enough. And that because of not being good enough, something is going to. Love is going to be taken away from you in some way. And that transcends attachment styles, that transcends trauma. Yes, these are all trauma, attachment styles, childhood conditioning, cultural conditioning, the conditioning of the psycheist. Right? These all play a role. Brain chemicals and brain chemistry and neurobiology and the issues in the tissues, all of these things play a role. But I thought that. I know that what's going to help people's understanding is to simplify it and to. For them to understand that when you are afraid that you are not enough, especially for someone who you're attracted to and especially for someone who you're in love with, you are going to go a little mad, you're going to go a little crazy. It's not your fault, but you do have control over your behavior. But you have to understand your psychology in order to do that.
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Self awareness plays, you know, an important role in this area. We had one question that was submitted. They were excited that you're coming on the show and they were wondering if you could explain why we are attracted to some people and not others through the lens of our hormones or psychology theories.
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C
So one theory is that we may be attracted to someone who reminds our unconscious of a parent. And here's the real kicker. We will be reminded of the parent who maybe we have a difficult relationship with or some sort of. Maybe it's, maybe it's really difficult. Maybe it's just a little bit difficult. And the psych, the theory in the psychology world is our unconscious gravitates towards that because it's familiar and because our unconscious wants to somehow rewrite history or rectify history and work it out. So that's one theory. But I also know a lot of people who choose people who are the exact opposite of their parent, who they struggle with. So a lot of it does have to do with hormones. I think that, so let's, let's take women who are of a biological age where they're in a, they're at their peak reproductive time. So number one, they are going to be. It's biology that dictates that they're going to want to partner, right? And even if they are gay, they're still going to want to partner because they still want the security and the safety of a partner. And you can still reproduce as a woman. Like there are ways right today in modern society that you can do that. But that woman is looking to most likely build a family and to have family and to have that sort of nurturing and protection. So she might be attracted. Let's, let's put this in a heteronormative framework just because it might be easier. But you can also look at this through any lens. So she might then be looking for a man who is strong, financially stable, has some leadership skills, because in her view, that is someone who's going to have some sort of providership and, and, and protect her. But what's missing from that equation is does that person know how to have a conversation? Does that person know how to communicate? Does that person know how to love? Is that person a narcissist? You know what? So we have to delve deeper into that. But that's one reason is that the role of estrogen is looking for protection and safety and providership.
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It was interesting when you were talking about how we could, we can model our relationships around our parents. And which parent did we, whose love did we crave more? Who do we want to be acknowledged by? I would imagine a lot of our listeners are in maybe an early stage of a relationship. And there are a lot of intense factors that come up in these early stages. You mentioned some of them, attachment styles, chemistry, hormones. And you talked a little bit about what's happening in our bodies and brains? One of the questions from our community that I thought was interesting is how do we recognize whether we are dealing with love or lust obsession or an actual desire to be in a committed relationship?
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I love this question because there's a truth in my book that's called lust is not love. And I thought that this was one of the most important things that I could share with people. So there's two ways to look at it. There's the chemical way, and then there's sort of like the psychological way, which is that. So when we first meet someone and we're really excited about them, and there's like that surge of connection that you feel with this person. It's called chemistry. We think that it's love, but really what's happening is that, well, dopamine is increasing, cortisol is increasing. Because, believe it or not, there's almost like, when we feel that excitement for someone, there's almost like a little mini crisis that's happening because we are not in control anymore. We feel very out of control. This person is sort of like in our thoughts. And it's for people who really value novelty and adventure, for people who are really. Who lean more towards dopamine. That's really exciting. It's going to be really exciting for, for everyone regardless, because it. I mean, our time in on this earth is so fleeting. I mean, this is, this is kind of the fun stuff, but at the same time, it also can be incredibly destabilizing. When that increases, serotonin decreases. If someone already has low serotonin or even just the, the. The natural decrease of serotonin with the rise of cortisol, what happens is that then we start to become obsess, start to ruminate, and we start to think we love this person. When really you're in lust. And part of the thinking that goes on is this person is the one. This person is going to complete me. This person is going to fill all my emotional voids. We're not thinking this on a. On a conscious level, but an unconscious level. This is what we're thinking. And then we get very attached. Now, what's the role of estrogen in all of this? As we actually move out of lust and it's more of like, a deeper connection. Like, we're out of, like, the crisis. Like, oh, my God. I mean, hopefully we're out of the crisis. Some relationships stay in that crisis. But hopefully if it transitions out of, like, does he like me? Does she like me? Are they texting me back like, oh, my God, this connection's so amazing. They're so beautiful. They're so hot. Blah, blah, blah. Like that, that thing that happens when we start to bond on a more emotional level, we release hormones such as oxytocin. And that is sort of the. The bonding, the bonding hormone. And women, we, women, especially women who produce a fair amount of estrogen, produce that more. This is also the bonding that happens between a mother and a baby. This is also why women, if they. If they really like someone, once they have sex, once they sleep with them, they're going to feel very bonded. Whereas men release oxytocin as well, but not nearly to the same degree because their estrogen is much lower. So men can have. Most men don't want to overgeneralize, but most men, especially of a certain age group, can have more physical intimacy without feeling, without getting connected. And so that's one of the things that. That a lot of people, a lot of women will struggle with is, well, why? You know, we just had this wonderful evening together. Like, we spoke for five hours. We had this amazing lovemaking session, and then I didn't hear from him. And it's like, well, because, you know, maybe that wasn't actually what he was. He didn't feel that same emotional connection. And that could be neurochemistry.
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I mean, when we're talking about this connection, when in a relationship, you know, our nervous system gets synchronized with our partners, and if there's a separation, it brings about, you know, potential acute shock.
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Yes.
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You know, for anyone who's gone through a breakup, how can we approach that separation or that breakup? Is your recommendation that we look at it more logically? And how do we get out of our own heads more easily? Through knowing how to regulate our nervous system? Do we need to tame things like anxiety, a loss of appetite, rumination, sleepless nights, you know, and yes. What would your recommendation be? Do you have too much to read but too little time?
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C
So just to piggyback off of what you just said, for people going through that, especially the acute stage, which is usually the first, you know, few months where you're, you're in shock, know that what you're going through is actually very common and normal. And there is definitely stuff going on in your, in your brain chemistry and what's going on in your body. You're, you're going into survival mode. You are, you have to understand that it is sort of like a withdrawal from a substance. Especially when, because like you said, when you're with someone, your nervous system synchronizes. Even if that wasn't a great relationship, even if that wasn't a great relationship. So practical things that people can do to get out of their head will talk to someone. Because when things are in our head and we don't write them down, they have a tendency to become bigger and to like swallow us whole. So talk to someone, write it down. That's part of processing your feelings. You're going to feel a lot. Part of what's going on in your, in your body somatically is because you're feeling so many different things related to grief. So you're experiencing depression, you're experiencing anger, you're experiencing denial, you're not at the acceptance stage. So oftentimes you'll get really, really angry and you'll want to throw something. But really what you're feeling is very hurt or disappointed or maybe you feel ashamed or you feel like a failure. So you want to be able to process your feelings. This actually regulates the nervous system. You got to move your body now. Even if you're exhausted. You don't, you don't have to go for a run, you don't have to lift weights, stretch, do some yoga, do some, I don't know, breathing exercises, lie on your back and just stretch your body. Twist your, you know, your legs to one side, your torso to the other, and just let. And breathe deeply. And you have to surround yourself with the person or the people who you feel safe with, who remind you of who you are. Because fundamentally, what happens during a breakup is a crisis of identity. And when we experience that, things get really, really ugly for us emotionally and mentally. So you have to surround yourself and that these are the practical, logical steps that you need to do in order to get out of your head and to start to regulate. And it takes time, but it works.
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As, as you. As we wrap up here, what is, what is one action that our listeners can take today besides ordering your book as, like, a first step to initiate this positive change in, in their lives?
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Sure. So I would say two things. One is if you're not moving your body, start to move your body. That's very important. You don't, it doesn't have to be major, but move your body, you could dance. You move your body in a way every single day. Um, Even if it's 15 minutes, don't think that you have to do go to the gym or go to the exercise class for two hours. You really do not. So move your body every day. And another thing is if there's a conversation that you've been putting off or something that you've been avoiding, just notice how much stress that's actually causing you and just have the hard conversation.
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Yeah. Often people will use time as an excuse. They're like, I don't have 30 minutes to meditate or 30 minutes to do yoga. And my response is always, wow, if you're so busy you don't have 30 minutes to do that, then you probably should do that for an hour.
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Yeah, exactly. That idea of I don't have the time, you know, that may be like once in a while, but that is literally your. You are in survival mode. Use every. You are racing against the clock constantly, that you don't believe that you have time for anything. So that's what you have to look at.
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I'm so curious. What is there, what is one thing that you're currently learning about or studying that has you excited? I find that passion is what lights you up. And maybe even taking that passion and sharing with others become where they light up. You know, it's become more of a purpose. Like, my passion is learning. It lights me up. Teaching people how to learn, you know, is my purpose because it lights them up. But I'm curious, is there something you're currently learning or curious about or studying that has you particularly excited? Yeah.
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Well, other than relationships, because that's my obsession. So I've always. I've always studied the mind body connection through yoga. But what I have found to be really what I'm really getting into is this idea of psychosomatic symptoms of. So people having physical symptoms are a manifestation of repressed anger and repressed sadness. So I. That's something that I'm so that. So that the pathway to healing is dealing with the emotions, not just dealing with the body. And that's what I'm really excited about currently because. Because. And there's a second part to this. It's not just the emotions. It's the state of your relationships can actually make you well or sick. So I'm really so included in the mind body connection is the relationship. Mind body connection.
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Wow. And you. The relationship with and within yourself. Because it's not just, you know, we talk a lot about neurological networks, but it's also our social networks. This has been such a wonderful conversation. Highly recommend. Everyone gets. It begins with you. How do people. You recommend people get their copy or stay in touch with you or go deeper with you?
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Yeah, no, I mean get their copy@jilliantorecki.com book and then, you know, you can follow me on my podcast, Jillian on love and on social media. I just need to know the first. My first and last name. You'll find me.
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That's perfect. Yeah. Highly recommend everyone if they can take a screenshot of this and tag Jillian. Tag myself. So we get to see it. Jillian, I want to thank you so much for being on our show. I was really looking forward to this conversation.
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Oh, Jim, thank you so much. I was so looking forward to it.
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Yes.
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So, as always, everyone, you can find out more ways to fuel your learning, your brain's potential on our YouTube channel where we post the extended version of this episode. There's more if you're listening on audio that we keep it to 20 minutes because it's quick, but we have the extended version there. You can join our 1.8 million subscribers on YouTube. Make sure you hit the subscribe button. Leave a comment. I read every single one under the episode. Let us know what you think. And this is your brain coach, Jim Kwik. Until next time, be limitless.