← Lakepointe Church with Josh Howerton
Lakepointe Church with Josh Howerton
3 Things That Will Kill Your Marriage | Marriage Weekend | Pastor Josh Howerton
00:58:04
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Hey, guys, thanks for checking out this Bible teaching. Every week, we release a podcast that corresponds to the sermon. It's like a little bit of a deeper dive where we hit some things that didn't make it into the sermon, some theological concepts. We talk about things that are going on in our culture and how to think about them from a biblical perspective. We call that podcast Live Free. An episode releases every Monday that corresponds to the sermon. If you would like to check out Live Free, just go to the Lake Pointe YouTube channel and look for the podcast tab there. We'll see you at Live Free. Now enjoy this Bible teaching.
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When I was sitting there in the Song of Solomon series, Josh brought out these blocks.
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This is how God has designed the relationship to be built. You are getting discipled to do the exact opposite.
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And he flips the triangle and the building blocks upside down.
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Because the foundation is the smallest part of the relationship. It's totally unstable. Real easy for it to fall.
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When I saw the blocks fall, I realized that I built my relationship on this weak foundation, and that's not how I want our relationship to end up. So I knew we had to make a drastic change.
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He asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, and we ended up going to college together in Arkansas. We've been living with each other since we lived in Arkansas. I think we always kind of felt shame. It was just something that we kept pushing further down.
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I knew it was wrong. I've read my Bible. I understand the principles that God has laid upon us, but you don't want to apply them to yourself.
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We were Christians in name, but not in how we lived. We went through premarital counseling with Ken Murphy, and he had proposed to us. We can get you married right now, or you guys can live in separate houses.
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And that's really, like, when the conviction started hitting for me is I've been putting this to the side. I need to accept the role that God gave me as a man, and I need to set it right before him.
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We were just like, let's get married.
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And we told him we're going to be getting baptized. And he was like, that's perfect. Let's do it an hour after your baptism. The peace that I felt after having that conversation and just such a release, it felt like it's God's plan.
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Rooted has just given us a great opportunity to build a community.
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We got put in a group that's a bunch of married couples that give us an insight into how you live a godly life. Rooted gave us direction Wisdom and community.
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Ever since we've gotten married, I feel closer. I understand in the Bible when it says you become one flesh, we didn't feel like that before.
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We wanted to be close to each other. We wanted to be in close proximity to each other. But really, that closeness is nothing compared to the closeness that you feel once you realize that you're following in God's footsteps and you're doing what his plan has for you. You're always just one step away from being so much closer to God. And no matter what lifestyle that you're living, there's always a redemptive path that he wants you to take. That's the lifestyle that leads you to. Blessings. Can't wait to see what more God has for us. Whatever he has for us, we're ready. My name is Colton.
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My name is Kayleigh.
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And this is how Jesus changed our lives.
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Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen, man. Let's give it up for Colton and Kaylee. And we're proud of you guys. Proud of you guys. I want to go ahead and just lay a spiritual foundation. There are some of you who, you did not know it, but you stumbled in today and you were in the situation they were in. And by the end of this service, the spirit of God will have worked on a man of God or a woman of God's heart. And you're going to bend your knee to the lordship of Jesus. We're going to be celebrating you soon. I just want you to know you just put a miracle in motion by being here today. So buckle up. It's going to be awesome. Let me go ahead and we got to get straight to work because there's a lot I've gotta answer some very difficult questions about divorce and remarriage at the end of this message. So buckle up, and we gotta move pretty quick. But I wanna give you this. I'm gonna give you some homework we have compiled and we put some energy into this, a resource bank of things to help you grow as a man of God or a woman of God in your marriage, for a marriage for God. So if you could do this, if you could text the word marriage to the number 20411. We've got a few things right there. There's like some little date night questions me and Janet use just to keep things rolling. Really, really helpful. We've got. We asked you what questions you wanted us to answer about marriage, gender, sexuality, divorce, all the things. And six or 800 questions later, there were tons of questions. I'm obviously not gonna have time to answer in this message. A lot of those questions, very frankly, were nitty, gritty questions about sex and intimacy in marriage. That's not this sermon. But those are important questions. Cause people have real questions about real things. So me and Jana hopped on a podcast, and we answered biblically a lot of those questions. You're gonna get a link to that there too. So I'm giving you some homework for you to maybe, like, choose a night. She listens to the podcast, you listen to the podcast, then maybe you talk about it on a date night. I'm just gonna tell you husbands and wives for both of you. That's gonna go very well for you. So you can text the word marriage to the number 20411. Get all those resources, and we're gonna get rolling. Okay, let me get right in. We got a lot to get to today. We're starting a series today called Investigating Jesus. This is gonna take us all the way up to Easter. Asking and answering the most common questions people have about what Jesus did, who he was, and what he said in his life. And one of the most common questions that people have about Jesus in our culture are questions about what Jesus did or did not say about things like gender, marriage, sexuality, divorce, and remarriage. So we're gonna lean into some extremely heavy things today. Okay, so we got your Bibles. Just roll over with me to Matthew 19. Now, before I'm gonna get a running start into this passage, let me give you a quick theology of marriage. What you're gonna notice in the Bible is that the Bible both starts and ends with a wedding. The Bible starts with a wedding in Genesis chapter two between Adam and Eve. And then the Bible ends with a wedding in the Book of Revelation between Jesus, who is called the groom or husbandman of the church, and his bride, the church. So in the book of Revelation, the Bible says that history ends with a wedding. The marriage supper of the Lamb, when we as the church are united as a bride to our groom, Jesus Christ. That's the analogy of the Bible. Now, if you go back to the book of Genesis, some of you might be wondering, like, man, why is marriage so hard? Like, it's just so hard. It just feels like there are constant attacks. The reason for that is found in the Scriptures. So the first wedding happens in Genesis chapter two between Adam and Eve. Satan doesn't show up until Genesis chapter three. Here's the big idea that explains what's happening in your life is as soon as the wedding is done, war is Declared, it's actually not until after the first wedding that Satan enters the picture and goes, I gotta destroy that thing. Here's why. A little theology. Because the book of Malachi says that what God is doing in godly marriages is seeking godly offspring so that we can raise generations. When you bend your knee to the lordship of Jesus, it doesn't just change your life, it changes your legacy and your lineage. And this is what God wants to do for you, and he's gonna do it for some of you today. Now, the big idea is your spouse is not your enemy, but you and your spouse have an enemy, and your enemy wants you to think that your spouse is your enemy. So what Satan does is he's always, since Genesis, trying to turn it from man and wife to man versus wife. Good news, though. When Jesus came and lived a perfect life and died on a cross, he defeated our enemy. And now the people of God can be filled with the spirit of Jesus Christ. And if anybody is in Christ, they're a new creation. So watch this. You can have a new marriage with the same spouse. By the power of the spirit of God in you, you can become new people. So that's the hope that we walk under and in today. It's going to be awesome. All right, now, Matthew 19, we're going to get to a bunch of hard questions about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Here we go. Matthew 19. If you like a lot of Bible, you're going to love this sermon. If you don't, why are you here? Okay, so Matthew 19, here we go. Some Pharisees came to test him. I just want to say this. The greatest test some of you will ever face is what are you going to do with marriage, divorce, and sexuality? I just want to point this out. What some of you are doing that you don't know that you're doing is you're considering following Jesus. But in your heart of hearts, what you're doing is you're going, man. But if Jesus asked me to give up this part of my sex life, or if Jesus asked me to, to honor my marriage in this way, or if Jesus asked me to do this with a decision about divorce that I'm considering, well, then I'm out. And can I just point this out? If that's your posture towards Jesus, you're actually not trusting Jesus. You're testing Jesus. And we don't want to test Jesus. What we want to do is trust Jesus because we believe that his commands are good for us. This has been happening for 2000 years, the greatest test that people face is what you are going to do with marriage and sexuality in your life in response to the lordship of Jesus. So they come and they test him, and they ask, is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife? Now watch this language for any and every reason. Now, when they use that language, it's weird language when they use that language for any and every reason. Let's do a little. We're gonna Bible nerd out for a second here. There's a whole background going on here. So in Jesus day, he was not the only really popular Bible teacher. There were these two other rabbis that were very popular when Jesus was alive. Their names were Rabbi Shammai and Rabbi Hillel. Now, these two guys, it's a little nerdy. They had a public debate over a verse in Deuteronomy, chapter 24, and they disagreed with each other about, when does the Old Testament allow for divorce? So on the one hand, you had a guy named Rabbi Shammai, and he was like, the more theologically conservative guy. And what he believed is that the Old Testament only allowed for divorces and in cases of unchastity or adultery, and he believed that it didn't just allow for it, that God commanded and demanded divorce in that situation. So that was him on the one hand. On the other hand, you had this guy named Rabbi Hillel. He was a little more, like, theologically liberal. And he believed that a husband could divorce his wife. Quote, this was his language. For any and every reason. That was his language. So, like, he believed anything displeasing to a husband was legitimate grounds for a biblical divorce, even including, like, he wrote this down, things like burnt fish or burnt toast, divorce. Okay, I will refrain from comment. I had a whole bunch of jokes, and none of them felt right. Okay, so this is what he said now. So when they come to Jesus and they go, jesus, is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? What the Pharisees are doing is they're going, jesus, whose side are you on? Are you on the Shammai side or are you on the Hillel side? Now watch how Jesus answers. He says, watch this. Haven't you read? Haven't you read? Now, notice when Jesus starts talking about marriage, he does. He says, haven't you read? He does not say, have you not heard from culture around you? He does not say, have you not learned from your juco gender studies professor? He does not say, have you not listened to your therapist that you see on Thursday? He does not say, have you not watched your favorite little TikTok influencer or your favorite little woke pagan Swifty Sex and the City podcaster? Listen bro, I'm going all at it today. I'm going right at it. He does not say that. What he does is watch this. When Jesus starts talking about marriage, he says, have you not read in the word of the living God? Listen, here's the big idea. You must understand this. Satan has a plan to bless. Sorry. God has a plan to bless your marriage and Satan has a plan to curse your marriage. And ultimately you get to decide which plan you're on. God's plan to bless your marriage is in his word and Satan's plan to curse your marriage is in the world. So all you have to do to decide is our marriage going to be blessed or cursed is decide are we going to look to the word or to the world for how to do marriage? And can I just say this man again. I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna heads up. I'm gonna say multiple things today that you're gonna be like, I can't believe he said that. Listen, I'm not saying those things because I don't love you. I'm saying those things cause I do. Listen, if you've got cancer inside of you or your family or your marriage, if I like preach with a feather duster and apologize for 30 things and nuance everything and take it really light and 30 jokes, if I do that, I'm not going to get cancer out of your family to get cancer out of you. The Bible says the word of God is living and active and sharper than a two edged sword. It's like a cutting tool. What you need is a scalpel to get inside of your family and your life and cut out the thing that Satan will use to destroy your marriage. In fact, can I just, I just want to point this out. What. But I'll say some things in the next few minutes. The Bible is going to say things about marriage, sexuality and divorce that are very controversial to the world. So you'll be like, that's controversial. My response to that is to who? To who? Because what the world says about marriage is controversial to heaven. I would rather be pleased. I would rather heaven be pleased and the world say we're controversial than be applauded by the world and controversial before heaven. That's what you. Listen, this is what you want. Okay? And let me just say this. Why in the. Just stop and think. Stop and think. Why in the world would you want to do what the world says is normal in marriage. Do you know what's normal in the world? Broke, depressed, popping Xanax like it's Skittles. You know, getting divorced three times, can't figure out what a boy or a girl is, End up an old three time divorced cat person. That's like, what's normal in the world? So let me just ask why. I know. I was like, oh, why in the world would you want to do what's normal in the world? They can't figure out what a dude is. So like we just want to go, what does the word of God say? That's the thing that matters. Okay, now check this out. Now check this out, man. Here's what I love. I did. Listen, man, I probably did more sermon prep this week than in a long time. I agonize over this. What's amazing is I love when sociology is always discovering what theology was already saying. So I just want, I want to waterboard you with this. I want you to see, guys, God's plan for marriage works. It works. It's blessed. It will bless your life. So let me just rattle these off real quick. Stats. I'm a stat guy. You are 46% less likely to commit adultery if you believe the Bible is the literal word of God. According to the Journal of Family Issues, people who said that religion was very important had the lowest level of extramarital affairs. According to the Institute for Family Studies. There was a 14 year long study from the Human Flourishing program at Harvard University involving more than 66,000 participants and they found that regular religious service attendance results in 50% lower divorce rates later in life. By the way, some of you have grown up hearing this little stat. Well, Christians get divorced at the same rate as the world. Lie. That is. That is an outright lie. You have been lied to. In fact, the people with the lowest divorce rates in America are. Conservative Bible believing people that regularly attend church together. That's the lowest divorce rates in America. Okay, so you got this. Let me keep going. Active conservative Protestants who regularly attend church are 35% less likely to divorce compared to those who have no affiliation, according to Brad Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project. And guess who has the best sex and marital intimacy in America? Check this out. Studies show that religious couples enjoy far more satisfying sex and their secular compatriots. I'm going to download it. Just kind of summarize the research for you. Conservative Bible. Believing married couples who attend church regularly are in the group that has the most frequent and the best sex in America. Let Me just say this. You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. That's all I'm saying. You're welcome. So let me keep going. What Jesus does, he says, have you not read there's blessing in the word of God? He replied that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female. And I don't want to angry tee off on this real quick, but just like, I just want to say it, in our culture, you got to say it, okay? Jesus, when he defines marriage, you'll hear the crazy people and politicians on tv. Jesus never said anything about the definition of marriage. It's right here. Jesus, when he defines marriage, defines marriage as between one biological man and one biological woman in a one flesh covenant. One covenant in a one flesh relationship in one covenant for one lifetime. So when Jesus defines marriage, he defines it as between a man and a woman. And listen, whoever designed it gets to define it. The Supreme Court cannot redefine what the supreme king of the universe already designed. And Jesus said this. He said, in fact, I'll just say it. This is the definition of marriage. And anything that does not fit this definition is not even a marriage in God's sight. It doesn't matter what you call it. Okay, so this is what Jesus is saying. This is what a marriage is. Verse 5. And he said, and for this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. And the two are gonna become one flesh. So they are. Watch this. This is important. They are no longer two, they are one. They're no longer two, they're one. Now what I'm gonna do right here for the next, like three minutes. This may be the hardest part of the message to receive, but it's the most important part. Here's the principle that I'm working from. If God's way leads to life, then not doing it God's way is gonna lead to death. Let me say that one more time because it's an important principle. If doing marriage God's way leads to life and blessing, then not doing marriage God's way is gonna lead to death and cursing. Okay, so here's what I want you to do one more time. At all of our campuses, if you're with your spouse, would you just grab your spouse's hand real quick even if you're not doing great right now? Actually, especially if you're not doing great right now, grab your spouse's hand and when I count to three, I just want you to out loud say a one sentence prayer. Just say, father Speak to us. Okay. One, two, three. Father, speak to us. So, Lord, what we're doing right now is, your kids just said speak, Lord, your servants are listening. Okay, here we go. So what this is saying right here, when Jesus says they're no longer two, but one. When he says one, what he's saying is, your spouse, when you get married, is your highest earthly priority above all other things. Now, here's what I'm going to do. Okay, Weird sermon. I'm going to give you three easy ways to kill your marriage. That's what I'm going to do. Three easy ways to kill your marriage. Now, when you see him and it's like, oh, crap, I'm doing that. I'm sorry. I'm trying not to say that in sermons. Oh, dang. Whatever word you want to use, shoot, I'm doing that. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm allowed to say. Okay, so then just let the Holy Spirit start to work on you. Okay, so here we go. Three easy ways to kill your marriage. Here we go. Okay, number one, put your career or your kids before your spouse. Now, I'm in a gender stereotype in the next couple minutes, and we're not going to freak out because we're big boys and girls and we don't act like Internet mobs at Lake Point. Okay, so here's the deal. First, let me talk to the men as a man. Speaking of men. So theology of manhood, what the Bible says, notice in book of Genesis that Adam is found in the wilderness, but Eve is created in the garden, and Adam is put in the garden to, quote, work it and keep it. So now you're gonna notice this. Adam is given a calling and a career, and then Eve is created as a helper for Adam. So check this out. This is super unpolitically correct, but it is very biblically correct. What this means is the way that God has designed families is for a husband and a wife to be equals, but not equivalents. And you husband, your job in your family is to be the loving head of your home, and you wife in your family is to be the respectful helper in your home. So the husband is primarily oriented towards the marketplace in general to protect and provide. And then the wife. It's like the least politically correct verse in the entire Bible. It's 1 Corinthians 11. The Bible says that the man was not created for woman, but the woman for man. And what that means is that she is primarily oriented towards the home and the husband to help in that way. Okay, now that's a whole. We talk about that on the podcast. I can't deep dive that right now. What this means for you husbands is your temptation will be to take a good thing and make it a God thing and end up prioritizing at different seasons of your life, your work or your career, over your wife. And listen to me, husbands, you must never do that because you are not one flesh with your job, but you are one flesh with your wife. Your employer can get a new employee, your wife cannot get a new husband. You must never prioritize those things over your wife. Okay? Now, are there seasons where it's like, hey, babe, the next couple months I'm gonna be going pretty hard. It's gonna be a little unique, and then I'm gonna come back, we're gonna make it up. Totally. I have seasons like that. I like to work. That's how I'm wired. I like to work, I like to build, I like to accomplish. But I gotta make sure that my priority stays my priority. And you must do that. Okay? Now, wives, let me, let me gently lean into you and let me, even with my tone of voice, try to do it a little different, just a little gentle. Wives, in general, your temptation, generally speaking, will be to different seasons of your life. Prioritize your children above your husband. And listen to me, you must never do that. Now, here's why I'm saying that. Just track with me. Because even though your children literally came from your flesh, the Bible does not say that you are one flesh with your children. It does say that you are one flesh with your husband. And your job is to maintain that priority above this priority now, every now and then. And if you've ever done this, like much Grace, I'm not trying to embarrass anybody. Every now and then I'll be out in the lobby and like a well meaning wife with her husband. There's a little boss babe vibe that usually happens with this kind of thing. They'll walk up and the kids are skirting around down here and I'll reach out and the kids will make a little noise and I'll reach out to grab the husband's hand and she'll interject because of what's going on with the kids and say, oh, it's okay. My husband knows my babies come first. Great way to kill your marriage. You want to kill your marriage? Just keep doing that. That's all you got to do, just kill it. Why? Because even though those kids came from your Flesh. You are not one flesh with your children. You are one flesh with your husband. Now, can I explain how this is gonna work? This right here, this is like. I know it's awkward. Just hold on and ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you. This right here is why people very frequently don't get divorced at years 5, 6 and 7. They get divorced at years 25, 26 and 27. Let me explain why that is. Increasingly I see it. Let me explain why that happens. Because generally speaking, when two people get married, the husband and the wife, they're prioritizing each other and she's got the priorities correct. But then after they become one flesh, Newsflash. If you're one flesh often enough, a lot of times little kids start running around, okay? That's how that works. So then they're one flesh. And then the kids start running around. And then all of a sudden the kids become the wife's primary priority. They start getting her best energy. She's too tired for fun. She's too tired for regular intimacy in the marriage. Sometimes literally, the wife is the one that's driving the energy behind. I'm gonna go all the way in right now behind the kids, doing the co sleeping thing for months and months and months or sometimes years and years and years. Now when there are newborns and they're three weeks old, is that different? Totally understand. Are there medical situations? Totally understand. But in general, can I just say something? Dear sir or dear madam, there should be things happening in your marriage bed that would scar your children for life if they saw them. And you need to be protecting the purity of the marriage bed. Listen to me. So those things can happen frequently. In Jesus name, Amen. Okay? The frequently. Okay, now can I just. So here's what will happen. I'm just gonna tell you what will happen. So she, the wife's primary energy starts going towards the kids, and then all of a sudden they doing the co sleeping thing. Do you know why that happens? Because her energy's rolling over there. The husband knows. Really, it's like man, he's scared of his wife's emotions. And because he, the. The new younger husband never conquered his fear of his wife's emotions, he knows she's gonna throw a fit if we draw, if I draw a line on this thing. And he's too scared of her emotions to lead his family. And so because he never conquered his fear of his wife's emotions, her emotions are dominating the home. Instead of his godly leadership leading the home. And this is how you get this situation where what God has joined together, kids that are sleeping in their parents beds for years are pulling apart. So this is what happens. So the kids take her primary energy. Now the husband starts getting jealous because jealousy literally means somebody else is in my place. So because she's prioritizing the kids, he's like, well, I'll just start prioritizing my career. So she's focusing over here, he's focusing over there. I'm gonna use the word hell here in a second. Don't freak out on me. I'm using it on purpose. So then the kids grow up and then they go to college like 20 years later and they're looking around and like, oh, the whole. The thing that was keeping the marriage together was the kids. Now the kids go off to college, the marriage and the home are awful. And they're like, what the hell happened? Well, hell happened because you pulled hell up into your marriage by violating the principles of heaven. Heaven was telling you, you prioritize your husband over your children, your wife over your career, and this is what you're called to do. Okay, now, second way. Second way, easy way to kill your marriage. Put your parents before your spouse. Okay? So this is what Jesus says. He says, for this reason, a man will leave. Everybody say leave. A man will leave his father and mother, and he will. The old King James says, cleave your niv. Or ESV is going to say, hold fast to leave and cleave. Leave father, mother and cleave to his wife. Now here's the big idea. You can't cleave fully unless you leave fully. Now here's the mistake some people make. If you're in that generation, you got adult kids growing up and getting married. And most of the time, people don't mean something bad by it. It's just something people say is you'll have adult children getting married. And you'll say, oh, man, we're so excited to add a son to our family. Or we're so excited to add a daughter to our family. And can I just gently say, hey, guys, that's not what's happening. You're not adding a son or a daughter to your family. Your son or your daughter are leaving your family. They're starting their own family. And now it's their job to prioritize their immediate family over their extended family. And when they left your family and started their own family, you became extended family. And their new family is their immediate family. So here's how it works out in holidays and vacations and money and all these things parents will say like, hey, man, we don't do that in our family. No, no, you don't do that in your family. But they just started a new family. Hey. Oh, this is what we do at holidays in our family. Well, that's great. That's your family. But they started a new family, and their job is to prioritize their family. So what we're not gonna do is try to control kids with tears or threats or money. We're gonna let them leave our family, start their own family, and prioritize their immediate family over their extended family. So let me just. I know it's tense, but let me just sort of lean in. Like young men, it's good. Like, if you're a new, younger, married guy, it's a good thing that you love your mama. It's a good thing that you were a mama's boy growing up. But when you get married, it's time to stop being a mama's boy and become a man's man and prioritize your wife over every other woman on earth. Okay, now, that's feminine applause. That's young women applauding. Okay, now, if you're a wife, listen, it's great that you love your dad. You should love your dad for the rest of your life. And it's great that you were a daddy's girl growing up. But when you. Listen, when you. I've got two daughters. Someday.
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Oh, Bud.
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Someday, my two daughters. Think about what happened at your wedding. I'm going to be at a wedding, and God willing, I will walk. Who's going to walk them down an aisle? I'm going to walk my two daughters down an aisle, Bud. And in that moment, I will literally take the hand of my daughter, and in front of everyone there, I will hand her hand to another man. Pray for me. Right now, I'm not doing great. And in that moment, what I will be signifying is I am transferring headship over my daughter from myself to another man. When your husband, or when your dad walked you down that aisle and handed your hand to another man, what he was doing is signifying I am giving you away and transferring headship from me to that guy. So watch this. Your father has a place, but your husband has the priority. So now let me just say something to the younger. If you're the one that's, like, you're in your 20s or 30s, whatever, and you're the one getting married, can I just say something to you? You live in a culture that is satanically discipling you to treat your parents in the exact opposite way that God wants you to treat your parents. The command of the Bible that God says will come with a blessing. It's a blessing. God says. He says this. He says, honor your father and mother. And then he gives a promise that it may go well with you. Honor your father and mother. Honor your father and mother. This world is discipling you to do the exact opposite. This world will disciple you to blame your father and mother. Blame your father and mother. Blame your father and mother. But listen, in Satan's way, there's a curse that accompanies it. In God's way, there's a blessing that accompanies it. And what you need to understand. Check this out, man. Honoring your father, mother. It looks different when you're really young and when you're older and you got your own family when you're young. Honoring them means obeying them. But watch this. As you get older, you need to honor your father and mother. Watch this. You need to give them a place in your life. You know, I'm talking under normal circumstances. I'm not talking about abuser edge cases. You need to give them a place in your life. But listen, the priority belongs to your spouse. So easy way to kill your marriage. Prioritize your parents before your spouse. Third one, last one. You can kill your marriage very easily by putting yourself before your spouse. It's the easiest way to kill your marriage. So here's what we want. Everyone in this room, whether you know it or not, you are gonna default. I'm gonna show you what they are. You have a default mode in your marriage that you don't know that you have. And based on the mixture of the default modes in your marriage, your marriage is one of three kinds of marriages. Now I want you to silently ask the Holy Spirit right now, please show me which one I am. In your seat, just silently. And here's how this works. Everybody in a marriage has one of two default modes. What we want is to walk into a marriage with the spirit of Jesus Christ, who didn't come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. Now in every marriage, both people have one of two default modes. You're either a selfish taker or you're a servant hearted giver. One of those is gonna be your generalized default mode. A selfish taker or a servant hearted giver. Now that's gonna result in one of three kinds of marriages. So every marriage in this room, when I say this, you'll be like, oh man, that's us. And you didn't even know it. Okay? When you have a marriage where both people are selfish takers, the marriage feels like a battle because like literally every situation is like, well, here's what I want. Well, here's what I want. Here's where I want to eat. Well, here's what I want to eat. And it's just like this battle over whose will is going to win. So taker and taker marriage feels like a battle. Now in some marriages, what you got is you have one selfish taker and one servant hearted giver. And when you have a giver and a taker, the marriage doesn't feel like a battle, it feels like abuse. Because there's one person who always, they're the doormat. And I'm just gonna tell you how this works. And it's not, listen, it is not gender specific. Sometimes it's the guys, sometimes it's the girls. There's usually one person, they always power up, they always throw a big fit, they're always the one that gets the most emotional. It's tears, it's yelling, whatever it is. And you're imposing your will on the marriage because your default mode is to be a selfish taker. And her or his default mode, God bless him, is to be a selfless giver. And so what happens is one person over functions, one person under functions. One person always gets what they want because the other person is always throwing a fit. And in those situations, one person is like, this is great, our marriage is great, things are going awesome and the other person is silently suffering because they've been married to a selfish fit thrower for however long you've been married. And they never get what they want. So your marriage, it doesn't feel like a battle, it feels like abuse. Now this third one, here's what we all want. When two people are filled with the spirit of Jesus Christ who is a servant, and they both walk in as selfless givers, the marriage doesn't feel like a battle or abuse. Everything just feels like a blessing. It's like both people walk in the door going, man, what do you want? What will bless you? How can I serve you? Where do you want to eat? It's your needs before mine. Where do you want to go? What can I do for you? Let me talk for wives, like, let me just be real gentle wives. You start walking into the marriage going, man, how can I serve you? How can I help you? I'm going to use a word that is like our world Hates, but it's a Bible word, Wives, you start walking into the marriage going, how can I submit to your leadership? How can I respect your authority in our home? How can I bless you? And then, husbands, it's you walking in going, no, no, no. How can I bless you? How can I wash your feet? Yep. I am the head of my home. How can I use the authority in our home to serve you instead of using the authority God has given me in our home for selfish me? How can I help now, husbands, let me just give you a super practical tip, husband to husband, because we're not always awesome at this. What you need to do, husbands, is you need to master the art of something some of you are very unfamiliar with. You need to master the art of. Listen close. It's called non sexual affection. Some of you are like, non sexual. What's that? There's such a thing as non sexual affection. What does that even mean? So, like, ladies, you just need to know, let me just help you out because some of you are nervous. Something's wrong with your husband. A husband can make literally anything sexual. You just need to know that. Y' all gotta loosen up in the 11 o'. Clock. We got a little more fun with it. So it's like, it's just how it works, man. I don't know how it is just how it works. You'd be like, hey, babe, we need to change the tires. He's gonna be like, I'd like, change your tires. You know, hey, babe, we should do the dishes. I'd like to do your dishes. You know, hey, babe, lawn needs mowed. I'd like to mow your. I'm not doing that. You just. All the, all the things, you know, all the, all the things. Okay, so wives, let me just dispel this for you. If you're going, what's wrong with him? What's wrong with him? There's nothing wrong with him. He's a man. There's nothing wrong with him. Okay, now, husband, I heard that. Amen. I heard you. Yeah, I heard you sweating a little bit. Now, husbands, what you need to do though, is you need to. Especially if you. Amen. You should listen real close right here. You need to master this phrase. Master the phrase I love you because. And then get like super specific. I love you because you work so hard for our family. And I see. I love you because you make so many sacrifices that no one will ever know about. I see. And I know. I love you for it. I love you because our children are so blessed to have you as their mother. I love you. I love you because of it. I love you because you so selflessly serve in our home. And the joy of the Lord is your strength. I love you for it. Husbands, if you will master this deal of just like. I know it's not natural. It's not natural for me, but if you just master this thing of like, I love you, because that's gonna go real, real, real good for you. Okay? Now let's just. Let's truck here because we gotta get to these questions about marriage and divorce that are really, really tough here, okay? So Jesus goes on. He says, so they are no longer two, but they're one flesh. And then he says, therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. So, Jesus, big word for a biblical marriage. Watch this. The most important word is one. You're one. Now, again, I'm gonna get up in some of our business real quick here. I'm doing it because I love you. 1. What this means is that when you get married, you take separate lives and you leave lives that were separate. His career, my career, his friends, her friends. His direction, her direction. His religious beliefs, her religious beliefs. I'm gonna get here in a second. His last name, her last name. You leave lives that are separate and you merge them to become one. And this is awesome, man. One new life. You become more like each other. The longer you're married. You start bringing out the best in each other. You do frustrate each other a little bit, but you're growing closer. It's like, I know how you're thinking. I can finish Jana's sentences, y'. All. You start just seeing the way, you know, they. They see things. Even your interest, they start to merge in. In weird ways, weird ways. A few years ago, we were in. We were in Great Britain, me and Jana. And she pulled me into the Jane Austen Museum in Bath, England. And just before I knew it, it's like this happened, like, without me even thinking about it. I'm like, what the heck just happened? You know, like, oh, my gosh, that's my best Mr. Darcy. That's, you know, got that. Now I just want to point this out. Look how happy Jana looks. And I look. My face looks different. I just want to point that out, take that down. The things you'll do, the things you'll do, but you just. You start becoming one, you know? Now, what's that mean? Let me get real practical now. Some of you that are very young. This is going to feel like I'm fighting with You. And that's because you're wrong. I love you. Okay, now what that means, here's what this means. It means some common sense things. It means you need to live in one house. This is super obvious, you know, Unless you're loaded and you got a few houses, then go together, you know. But one house means you need to, you know, in general, you need to be sleeping in one bed. One bedroom and one bed. Here we go. Means you need one last name. One last name. Now let me just point this out. Ladies. In our culture right now is doing this big, like, again, it's the girl boss thing. I'm not taking any man's name. Now check this out, ma'. Am, ladies, when you as a wife choose to willingly take your new husband's name, two things are happening. One, you're visibly symbolizing. I'm leaving the leadership of my father and coming under the leadership of my husband. I just want to point this out. So there's some people like, I'm not taking on the identity of a man. And so you kept your dad's last name. So that's one. You're let that sit. So you're symbolizing that you're coming under your new husband's leadership. But here's the other thing. What you're symbolizing is we are no longer two, but one. It's a good God honoring, wonderful Christian thing for a wife to take her husband's name. Okay, so one last name. Let me do another one. One bank account. Ooh, ooh. Lots of butts clenching, you know, that kind of thing. Okay, here's the thing. I'm just telling you this. The longer I've seen have engine I've never seen. Maybe short term, you know, pain alleviation. I've never seen long term where that worked out. Just feels weird to be one flesh. But then your separate checking accounts and venmoing each other for groceries feels weird. Okay. One set of values. This is why man, if you're single, that you, you need to heed this command. Do not be unequally yolked to somebody that's not a believer. Listen, be very, very careful. Listen, man, be very careful who you marry. It's the second most important decision you'll ever make. Most important decision you'll ever make is what God you worship. Second most important decision you'll ever make, what person you marry. And the Bible says this, it says, what fellowship does light have to do with darkness or Christ with belial. That's a word for Satan. So you need to make sure that you only marry somebody where both of you can say, jesus is our king and we are both submitting our lives to the word of God in the power of the spirit of God, that's the only person you marry. Okay, that's it. Now, oneness. Now, here's the question, and it's a heavy question. The question that people will ask. They ask in this passage is, okay, we're one, but when is there an out? So let me answer a few really difficult questions right here. All right? Now, quick preface here. What some of you are doing right now is you're uncomfortable because you know what Jesus says right here. And you're looking at me going, pastor, explain why the Bible doesn't mean what it says right here. And I'm just telling you, I can't do that. There is a conversation that I decided years ago I refused to have. I refused to stand before the throne of God someday and have to say to Jesus, hey, Jesus, there were some things that you said to the people that you loved, but I thought that it would make them mad and hurt their feelings, so I didn't say those things to them. I refused to have that conversation someday. And it would actually be selfish, cowardly of me, and it would undercut the reality that God's commands are good for us. So, man, just. I'm gonna tell you just what the word. I'm gonna read it to you and tell you what the word says. Let me answer the questions. When does God allow for divorce? If I'm divorced, am I allowed to get remarried? If I was divorced and now I'm remarried, am I committing adultery? Because Jesus. You're going to see what Jesus says here. Okay, so let me answer the first question. When does the Bible make an allowance for divorce? Let me talk about three situations. Situation number one, the Bible makes. It's called an exception clause for the case of physical adultery. Physical adultery. Jesus says, therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate. It's saying, don't go to the courthouse to undo what was done in God's house. Why, then they asked, did Moses command a man to give his wife a certificate of divorce and give her away? Verse 8. Jesus replied, Moses, permitted. On the count of three, say permitted. One, two, three. Permitted. He did not say demanded or commanded. He said, permitted. Permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way. From the beginning, I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, the Greek word there is porneia. That's the Greek word from which we get the English word pornography, except for sexual immorality. And marries another woman, commits adultery. Now, this reinforces what we alluded to earlier in this message. The sex is not just a natural appetite, and it is not just two bodies bumping up against each other. It is a supernatural mingling of souls that is so powerful. Watch this. That when two people do it outside of a marriage covenant, that betrayal and violation of the marriage covenant is so deep that Jesus here concedes. He does not command. He concedes, but does not command that you may walk away from that marriage. He does not say that you have to. Particularly in a case where one spouse is practicing unrepentant, habitual. They won't stop sexual immorality, especially in cases of physical adultery. Now, let me just say this. Let me just step in and be a pastor for a second. If you have ever been on the receiving end of a spouse committing adultery, let me just say, I'm so sorry. I literally cannot fathom, like, the pain. I literally can't fathom it. That said, let me just gently say, even in that case, I would encourage you for divorce to be a last resort and not a first option. What I would encourage you to do is at least take a season to pray and ask God if he might give you the power to redemptively restore your marriage. Here's why I say that, man. Because divorce is a radical amputation. And amputations are supposed to be last resource. Think about this. If I'm playing flag football with some buddies and I snap my wrist, my first option isn't amputate my hand. That's the last resort. In fact, the only time you do that is if something so nasty is going on in the hand you got to cut it off to keep it from spreading to the rest of the body and killing the whole body. It's the same with divorce. It is an ugly, radical amputation. And here's the other reason I say that. Think about the example of Christ and the church. The Bible says the church is Jesus bride. Hey, guys, have you seen this? We are the bride of Christ. We have spent our whole lives being unfaithful to our husband. He ain't never walked away from the covenant with us yet. And I'm just telling you, God knows what it's like to have a spouse this faithless to you. And I'm just telling you, if Jesus is alive and the tomb is empty, then anything is possible. And if he can resurrect a dead body. I have watched him resurrect dead marriages, and he can do it. So I'm asking you to pause and consider, man. Might God do that? All right, situation number two. The Bible makes an exception in the case of abandonment. So I'm getting ready to read a very weird verse from 1 Corinthians 7. What happened in Corinth is a whole bunch of it was a super jacked up church, Christians gone wild. They were going nuts. And then God starts radically saving all these people in Corinth, and now they're on Team Jesus. But then sometimes their spouse didn't get saved. So then because the spouse didn't get saved, you got one person on Team Jesus, one person's still on Team Satan. And they start going, paul, what are we supposed to do? Further complicating it, they had some people who were the unbelieving spouse that were abandoning the believing spouse. And they were going like, so are we, what do we do? Are we still married? What are we supposed to do? Now watch what he says. This is how Paul answers to the rest. I say this. If any brother has a wife that's not a believer and she's willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. So if you're the believing spouse and they're the unbelieving spouse, listen, you are not allowed to initiate the divorce because of the incongruence in your value. You're not allowed. Now you may go, well, man, why? It's hard. I'm going to show you here in a second. But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound. In such circumstances, God has called you to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? So what he's saying is, if your unbelieving spouse will stay with you, stay in, because you might be the supernatural conduit through which God brings redemptive energy in their life to save them and redeem your whole family. Now, in the case where the person just abandons you and they're like, I hate the Christian stuff, I'm out, I'm leaving. He's saying it is permissible for you to allow them to move forward with that divorce. And God says, it's okay, it's okay to let that happen. That's situation two. Now situation three is a question people ask Let me address this question. Very difficult people. Ask the question, what about situations of abuse? Now listen really close, listen really carefully. I want to be really careful here because very frankly, we right now live in a culture where a common form of abuse is abuse of the word abuse. And right now, in our culture, sometimes anything that makes somebody feel uncomfortable or anybody that causes somebody to feel a negative emotion is automatically labeled abuse. And they are automatically labeled an abuser. So listen, not everything that is called abuse in our culture is actually abuse. But that does not negate the very real reality that there are real, tragic. And listen. And evil. It's satanic, demonic and evil. Evil scenarios where evil people abuse their spouses physically, sexually, in other ways. That's a real thing. What do you do? Well, in First Corinthians 7 that I just read, he said, in such circumstances. This is what he said, okay? And what he was saying is, if they abandon you, that's a violation of the covenant. That's so deep. He says, you just need to let that separation happen. In the same way, Listen, if somebody is abusing you, number one, you need to call the authorities. Number two, call us. We will help you report that person that is hurting you or your children to the authorities. That's why God put governing authorities in place. We will help you do it. And listen, number three, in situations of abuse, at least separation is necessary. Get yourself out, get your babies out. Get yourself to safety. You need to make sure that's taken care of. Now, second question. These are going to go quick, and then the sermon just ends and I'm going to pray for you. Then people are like, okay, I've been divorced. Am I allowed to get remarried? Okay, I hate. Should I get remarried? I hate answering this question. A personal axiom I have is what people do is they'll walk up to me in the lobby and they'll tell me four seconds of this big life problem, and they'll go, what should I do? I don't know. I've literally heard four seconds of your stuff. I got no idea. So my little axiom is, you can have the wisdom of Solomon, but if you have incomplete information, you're gonna get fool's counsel. So what I'm not gonna do up here is with 28,000 people listening to me trying to pretend like I understand 28,000 different scenarios and give you a one size fits all thing. I'm not going to do that. So let me just generally say this. Some of you shouldn't. Some of you should not get married. In fact, you should take some time, man, to get your roots down deep in Jesus, to be so satisfied with him that you can walk into any future scenario with a cup full and ready to be everything you need to be. You need to do that. But listen to me, what the Bible says is if your divorce was a biblical divorce, then where God allows for divorce, he also allows for remarriage. You're fine. Go forward with no guilt. Now, the last one is a toughy. Some people read the passage I just read and they go, okay, yeah, but Pastor Josh, I got divorced and it wasn't a biblical divorce. And now I'm in another marriage. It seems like Jesus is saying that it's adultery. Am I committing adultery? And what am I supposed to do? Okay, let me say this. And this is again, I don't write to mail. I deliver the mail. If the divorce that you originally got was an unbiblical divorce, you should not have entered into that second marriage. I'm just telling you what Jesus said. But listen to me. But even if your second marriage marriages, if it wasn't a biblical divorce, breaking a second covenant doesn't help the first one. And the vows you made with your now spouse, those vows matter. So what you. I'm going to show you why I say this here in a second. What you should do is receive the full and free forgiveness of Jesus Christ. Understand there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Walk forward in freedom, confess and repent any sin that you had to anybody previously that you sinned against in a previous marriage. And then you just need to walk forward and pour yourself into the marriage that you're in and honor that covenant. The reason that I say this, you're like, ah, here's my biblical case. Listen, I studied way too much this week. One of the reasons I say this is think about what Jesus did with the woman at the well, where he goes, hey, go call your husband. And she's like, I don't got a husband. And remember where Jesus said, you're right, you don't have a husband. You've had five husbands and a guy you're living with right now. Not one of your husbands notice. Jesus didn't say, well, actually, you only had one husband and it was an unbiblical divorce. So the other four weren't actually your husband. Those weren't real marriages and you were just committing adultery the whole time. He doesn't say that. Jesus seems to tacitly acknowledge that those secondary marriages, those were real covenants with real Vows that you should honor, because those vows matter. Now, last thing, church, family. The question is, how should we relate to people who have been divorced? Listen to me, church, family. We should show mercy to people who have experienced the hell of divorce. We should show mercy. Listen, do you know who. You don't gotta tell that divorce is awful. Divorced people divorce people. They're like, yeah, man, that was awful. That was like the worst thing that ever happened to me. They know that. In fact, whenever that verse in the book of Malachi says God hates divorce, it says, God hates divorce. You know what it doesn't say? It doesn't say, God hates divorced people. Listen to me, whoever you are, Jesus Christ loves you. There is no condemnation for you. And for the rest of your life, you don't gotta walk around with like some big scarlet D tattooed on your chest. The only big thing scarlet tattooed on you is a big scarlet F for forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ. That's the most true thing about you, man. That's it. So you walk forward in freedom. All right, now, I'm just. This sermon just goes off. Sermon's done right now, okay? But I want to give you action steps. Whenever the word of God is preached and the spirit of God takes it, he's going to apply it to the people of God. Some of you right now, while I was preaching, you are. You have been heading for a divorce or you've been sinning against your spouse in a way that the spirit. Right now, everybody stay with me. Just stay with me. Just go me real quick. You are heading to do something that you know is not going to honor God, that is actually going to invite hell into your life and your marriage. Repent, man. Come home, bend your knee to Jesus and watch blessing flow in your life. Some of you, here's what I know, and this is going to be awesome, okay? Some of you, we're reaching a whole bunch of young, young men and women right now. It's awesome. I love it. But what a lot of you is, you didn't know what you were supposed to do. So you've actually. You're living with somebody that's not your spouse. You're sleeping with somebody that's not your spouse, or you've actually already started a family and had kids with somebody that's not your spouse. And you right now are coming under the loving conviction of the Holy Spirit that you need to honor God, bend your knee to Jesus, put a ring on it, and enter into a covenant with a person that you're already acting like you're in a covenant with. And what I want you to know is we want to help you do that, because we got a little thing at Lake Point. We say the only time we look down on people is, is to give them a hand up. And so here's what we want to do. We got a whole. I've set this whole thing up. We got a whole team of pastors. They're ready. We are ready to have a mass wedding ceremony. I'm 100% serious. A mass wedding ceremony across all the campuses of Lake Point. Some of you right now, here's what you need to do. You need to text the word marriage to the number 20411. You're going to see a link on there. That's. It's very straightforward. It says, get married. Awesome. And you just need to, like, all right, babe, it's our time. Let's go. Okay. And you can sign up. We got people who are going to walk with you, counsel you, help you, and then we're going to get you married. We're going to throw a big party. And guess what your church family is not going to be doing. These people aren't going to be judging you. They're going to be cheering you on as you step forward into obedience to Jesus Christ. Welcome to Team Jesus. That's what we're going to be doing, okay? So take whatever step the spirit's asking you to do. Let me pray for us. Jesus, thank you for being a loving, forgiving, redeeming savior. Thank you for loving marriages. Thank you for blessing marriages. I pray, Jesus, that you would heal and redeem everything that Satan has broken and stolen. So, Father, I pray that repentance would happen. I pray that today that people would be going home and that just lots of I'm so sorrys and lots of I totally forgive yous would just start pouring out of the hearts of people. I pray, Lord, that you would. That I pray over every marriage that their latter days would be greater than their former days in the words of the book of Job. And that for every marriage at Lake Point, that actually their best days would be ahead of them. And that because of the power of Jesus Christ, they would be saying soon, like, man, this is. Like, this is better than honeymoon season. It is. Thank you, Jesus. So, Father, bless it to your glory. We pray it in your name. And all God's people said amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.