Laugh Lines with Kim & Penn Holderness
Episode: "College Breaks & Changing Relationships with Dr. Lisa Damour"
Date: December 16, 2025
Guests: Dr. Lisa Damour (Psychologist, best-selling author, parenting expert)
Episode Overview
This episode dives into the emotional and practical challenges faced by families when their college-aged children return home for breaks. Kim and Penn Holderness are joined by Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author known for her expertise in parenting teens and young adults. The conversation explores how both children and parents transform during this period, how to navigate changing boundaries, communication, and the evolving “roommate” dynamic at home. Dr. Damour offers wisdom, relatable anecdotes, and practical scripts for parents, aiming to help families handle this transition with grace and humor.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Strange New World of College Breaks
[13:07, Kim]: Kim describes the “weird” evolution experienced when her daughter comes home from college—a person who has grown more independent, while parents themselves also change.
- Acknowledgment that the “child” returning home is now a developing adult.
- Parents experience conflicting emotions and sometimes grief as home dynamics shift.
2. Knowing It’s Not Personal
(Dr. Lisa) [25:44]:
- It’s critical to remember that changes in your child’s behavior—like calling campus “home” or being less eager for family activities—aren’t personal rejections.
- “None of this is personal… As soon as you go down that road, it does not ever end well.” – Dr. Lisa Damour [25:44]
- Parents should “midwife” their children into adult independence, seeing college as the perfect in-between of youth and the wider world.
3. Navigating the “Roommate Phase”
[27:06, Dr. Lisa / 27:28, Penn]:
- Returning college students should be treated more like roommates than children when they come home, with corresponding expectations about shared living.
- “She still has to be a good roommate… respectful co-living.” – Dr. Lisa Damour [27:06]
- Encourage explicit communication regarding schedules, meals, and shared spaces.
- Create space for mistakes and crosswires, and approach them as a team.
4. Communication Scripts & Practical Phrasing
[28:48, Dr. Lisa]:
- Dr. Lisa suggests transparent, agenda-free communication:
- “We're so excited to have you home and we are feeling our way—you’re feeling your way, we're feeling our way through what our relationship looks like now and what it’s like to live together now.”
- Encourage a “problem-solve together” mindset for inevitable bumps, missed signals, or changing plans.
5. Sibling Dynamics & Fairness
[30:32, Dr. Lisa]:
- Younger siblings can complicate the dynamic, as different rules often apply (e.g., tech in bedrooms, curfews).
- Normalize age-appropriate privileges while still reinforcing boundaries for younger kids.
6. Monitoring Wellbeing: Academics & Mental Health
[35:49, Kim / 35:59, Dr. Lisa]:
- Signs a student might need support after a difficult semester: not “bouncing back” after time at home, persistent low mood, lack of motivation about returning to college.
- “Change equals stress. That is just the formula.” – Dr. Lisa Damour [36:47]
- Parents should be attentive but not intrusive; trust their gut if something feels wrong.
7. Substance Use: Honest Conversations
[38:24, Kim / 38:37, Dr. Lisa]:
- Discuss substance use openly: “What’s the scene like? Does it feel unsafe?”
- Fentanyl and overdose prevention are also discussed; Dr. Lisa recommends every college student have access to Narcan.
8. Embracing the Fun of Adult Kids
[41:31, Dr. Lisa]:
- Celebrate the evolution! Adult children are fascinating, creative, and often bring new friends and perspectives.
- “They get so interesting. I mean, they are interesting, you know how I feel about teenagers… and then it just goes up from there.” – Dr. Lisa Damour [41:31]
- Kim shares the joy of reconnecting with her daughter’s high school friends, marvelling at their growth.
9. Handling Change and Letting Go
[44:50, Penn / 45:53, Dr. Lisa]:
- Parents must adjust to their adult kids sometimes shifting plans or being less available.
- Don’t try to shoehorn big conversations into chance encounters; ask when’s a good time to talk.
10. Parental “Tracking” & the Balance of Trust
[47:56, Dr. Lisa / 52:01, Penn / 53:30, Kim]:
- Debate over using location-tracking apps on college students; balance between concern and respect for independence.
- “There are so many more touch points, and I don’t know if that’s infringing occasionally on the freedom that we should be allowing our kids when they’re in college.” – Penn Holderness [54:39]
- Dr. Lisa admits she sometimes gets updates via a sibling—humorously dubbing this “shady.”
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On letting go:
“Midwifing her into adult independence—that’s the way to think about college.” — Dr. Lisa Damour [25:44] -
On being a “roommate”:
“She was a kid, she was a daughter. So we're transitioning—I've never heard it said this way—into her being a roommate… a partial roommate.” — Penn & Dr. Lisa [27:28–27:36] -
On family communication:
“Wires are going to get crossed and expect it… try to handle it with superior communication.” — Pen Holderness [65:51] -
On tracking and independence:
“There is nothing you can do [with location tracking]. I think sometimes people... do this for safety—but what are you gonna do?” — Dr. Lisa Damour [57:51] -
On hope for the future:
“They get so interesting… The thrill of them becoming, and really discovering who they are and what they’re into, it’s an amazing thing.” — Dr. Lisa Damour [41:31–44:06]
Time-Stamped Breakdown of Highlights
| Timestamp | Segment | |---------------|--------------------------------------------------------| | 13:07 | Kim discusses the weirdness of her daughter returning changed—and how the parents are changed too. | | 25:44 | Dr. Lisa discusses not taking things personally when kids call dorms/apartments “home.” | | 27:06 | Introduction of the “roommate” model for returning college kids. | | 28:48 | Dr. Lisa offers sample scripts for awkward family conversations. | | 30:32 | Sibling dynamics complicate post-college-break home life. | | 36:47 | Change = Stress: Normalizing exhaustion and recovery after college. | | 38:24–40:49 | Conversation about substance use, Narcan, and open communication. | | 41:31 | Embracing and celebrating the joy of young adults’ growth and interests. | | 44:50 | Shifting expectations; waiting for the right time to talk. | | 52:01–54:56 | Poll: Should parents track their kids in college? Kim & Dr. Lisa’s experiences. | | 65:23–66:32 | Pen’s “Three Nuggets” Takeaway: roommate roles, crossed wires, celebration. |
Pen’s 3 (Actually 4) Nuggets Takeaways
[65:23–67:01]:
- Roommate Shift: When your college kid comes home, expect them to act more like a roommate—manage courtesy and expectations accordingly.
- Expect Crossed Wires: Miscommunications are inevitable. Don’t panic; handle them with open, supportive communication.
- Celebrate Growth: Appreciate the fascinating, evolving person your child is becoming.
- Bonus Nugget: Let your kid “hibernate” during college breaks—the return to a real bed after dorm life is something to relish, not fight.
Closing & Resources
- Dr. Lisa Damour promotes her resources:
- Free “Rosalie” AI advice based on her writing [59:36]
- "Ask Lisa" podcast & newsletter
- Dr. Lisa previews her keynote at UNICEF’s inaugural Global Caregiver Summit [61:17]
- The hosts discuss evolving language around accessibility and inclusivity—modeling learning and humility into the podcast’s spirit.
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Memorable Closing Quote:
“Celebrate the wonderful new person that you are welcoming in… it can seem alien and strange, but… how lucky you are to have that.” — Pen Holderness [66:32]
For listeners grappling with college breaks or approaching this stage, Dr. Lisa’s advice is reassuring, rooted in research, and delivered with warmth. Kim and Penn’s humor and vulnerability make the episode relatable, and Dr. Lisa’s practical scripts and perspective shifts offer comfort and actionable strategies for families in transition.