Podcast Summary: Laugh Lines with Kim & Penn Holderness

Episode: Unhinged ADHD Tips & Differences In Women with Dr. Amelia Kelley

Date: August 26, 2025
Host(s): Kim & Penn Holderness
Guest: Dr. Amelia Kelley

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kim and Penn Holderness delve into the world of ADHD with a special focus on how symptoms and diagnosis differ in women, especially amid perimenopause. Joined by trauma-informed therapist and author Dr. Amelia Kelley, they discuss the nuanced overlaps between anxiety, menopause, and ADHD, shared listener-submitted (and Internet-found) life hacks for ADHD, and the importance of recognizing ADHD as a spectrum—celebrating both its challenges and its surprising strengths. The tone is funny, deeply personal, and generous, with both hosts leaning into vulnerability and audience participation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening: Personal Reflections, Community Voicemails & Listener Hacks

• ADHD in the Home: Kim reflects on facing new ADHD-like symptoms, questioning if they stem from perimenopause or ADHD itself. Penn notes self-awareness as a crucial asset.
  Quote:

  "I mean, there are days I just want to light things on fire and then there are days I'm like, really happy to sit there and snuggle." — Kim (04:00)

• Listener Voicemail - Molly (05:24-06:06): 12-year-old Molly from Massachusetts shares that she's writing her own ADHD book, asking for a Gen Z slang translation for "preppy."
• Credit Card Hack Challenge (08:13-10:12): Amy from Virginia shares her struggle with losing credit cards. Penn offers the hack of using Apple Pay and contactless payment to avoid misplacing cards during the chaotic tipping process.

Best of the Internet - Unhinged ADHD Hacks (10:20–22:00)

Kim and Penn share quirky, creative ADHD tips/hacks, underscoring that the best strategies are deeply personal:

• Shouting “I took my medicine!” upon taking meds (11:18)
• Having AI break down chores one-by-one (12:02)
• Crossing fingers to avoid interrupting (12:43)
• Wearing a tight apron when cooking to avoid forgetting the stove (14:35)
• Carrying hair straighteners around the house to ensure they’re unplugged (17:33)
• Wearing shoes indoors to trigger productivity (18:27)
• Putting keys in the fridge to remember lunch (20:37)
• Turning on “Hoarders” for cleaning motivation; racing against the “Rudy” movie for cleaning (21:49–23:31)
• Lying about having completed a task, then finishing it to avoid lying (19:27)
• Rewriting “make a to-do list” as the first line of a to-do list for a dopamine boost (20:15)

Key Reflection:

"The best ADHD hack is something that's very personal to you. The beauty of these hacks... are incredibly subjective and personal." — Penn (19:56)

2. Featured Interview: Dr. Amelia Kelley (27:47–1:06:10)

A. ADHD in Women: Differences & Challenges

• Internalization: ADHD symptoms in women often remain unseen, manifesting as racing thoughts and emotional overwhelm rather than visible hyperactivity.
  Quote:

  "With women especially, a lot of the symptoms are very internalized... They experience racing thoughts that are misunderstood as anxiety or being a nag. There's so much masking." — Dr. Kelley (28:38–29:20)

• The Burden of Masking: Women often over-function and mask symptoms, making diagnosis later in life common—especially when hormonal shifts (perimenopause) compound symptoms.
• The Mental Load: Women carry the “mental load” of family logistics, often contributing to both overwhelm and the masking of ADHD.

B. Anxiety vs ADHD vs Perimenopause

• Distinction: Dr. Kelley distinguishes racing thoughts from anxiety (pressure of doom, tightness in chest) vs. ADHD (feeling of insufficiency; distractibility without the same physical panic).
  Quote:

  "The racing thoughts in anxiety can create more of a pressure of impending doom... whereas the racing thoughts of ADHD can lead to more of a feeling of insufficiency." — Dr. Kelley (33:42)

• “Do I need a label?”: Dr. Kelley reassures that, except for choosing treatments, the precise diagnosis is less important than managing symptoms and achieving relief.

  "Take the pressure off yourself to have to piece it apart so much. If we do one, we will affect all." — Dr. Kelley (49:48)

C. Adult Diagnosis & Why It’s Missed

• Late Diagnosis: Many high-achieving, empathic women go undiagnosed due to lack of research and societal expectations. The first major study on women and ADHD was only in the early 2000s.

  "The first study on women and ADHD did not happen until the early 2000s." — Dr. Kelley (40:27)

• How to Seek Diagnosis: Start with empirically-supported self-assessments like the Adult Self Report Scale, then consult an ADHD-informed clinician (41:29–43:20).

D. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

• Definition & Impact: RSD is a common ADHD trait, leading to overwhelming distress when facing real or perceived rejection—which is often compounded by repeated correction as a child.

  "ADHD children receive up to 10,000 more redirections before the age of 12... Some of this is from experience, like trauma, almost." — Dr. Kelley (44:44–45:30)

• Normalization vs Pathology: Kim shares her experience, questioning if her reactivity and shame are “just normal”—Dr. Kelley emphasizes when it crosses into life disruption, support is needed.

E. The Spectrum of ADHD: High-Functioning & Struggling

• Strengths-Based Approach: Many with ADHD are high-achievers due to supportive environments or “lucky” connections; others struggle significantly. Recognizing and leveraging strengths, as in the Holderness’ “ADHD is Awesome” book, can be transformative.

  "Sometimes it's one message that can help someone transition from 'I'm just struggle bus here'... to 'I'm going to step off the bus and create a cool logo for it.'" — Dr. Kelley (52:04–52:29)

F. ADHD As a Neuroadaptive Superpower

• Evolutionary Lens: ADHD brains are “hunters” designed for scanning, movement, and biphasic sleep—once highly adaptive, now at odds with sedentary, hyper-structured modern culture.
• Making Strengths Work: Dr. Kelley and the Holdernesses stress hacks should cater to interest, novelty, urgency, and personal stimulation, as these make ADHDers shine—especially when unmasked and supported.

  "The more right level of stimulation the ADHD brain gets, the more the brain is able to orchestrate itself... doing these things that add stimulation actually calm your nervous system." — Dr. Kelley (62:48–63:46)

G. The Importance of Unmasking

• Vulnerability & Communication: Being open about ADHD, and communicating needs, unlocks support and facilitates the effective use of personal systems and hacks.

  "Unmasking your ADHD, letting people know it’s part of you and adaptive, actually allows you to do these things. As long as you’re masked, it’s harder to use all the skills." — Dr. Kelley (65:08)

3. Audience Hacks & Community Sharing (58:11–76:36)

Listeners from across the globe chime in with inventive ADHD hacks:

• Clear Containers (Stacy, 58:11): Out-of-sight equals out-of-mind—so use transparent storage.
• Chunking Tasks (Jen, 58:24): Break projects into bite-size pieces—“micro deadlines” for more dopamine hits.
• Gamify Showers or Tasks (Betsy, 59:02): Race the length of a song to limit over-long showers or dread work.
• Sign Language for Memory (Mary Ashley, 60:06): Use sign language letters as a mnemonic device during conversations.
• Color Coding (Sachiko Nakagomi in Tokyo, 74:35): Use colorful stickers or tabs for organization, particularly across complicated or multi-location jobs.
• Alexa Routines for Structure: Schedule daily routines (brush teeth, get dressed, leave on time) with unique songs as cues.
• Career Fit (Tim): Started a business as a home inspector, allowing his ADHD brain to jump between tasks fluidly.
• Multiple listeners echo the efficacy of music, racing against time, and visual cues.

Notable International Participation

• Laura from Barcelona: Uses music as a timer to overcome avoidance.
• Sachiko Nakagomi (Tokyo): ADHDer, English professor, uses color coding and shares the Holderness content with students.

4. Gen Z Slang Segment: The New Meaning of “Preppy” (77:12–78:43)

• Prompted by Molly’s voicemail, Kim and Penn research and clarify:
  • Old definition: “Preppy” = collared shirts, “rich” appearance, not always positive.
  • Gen Alpha/Gen Z: Now “preppy” means bright, cute, girly, trendy—more a compliment than before.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Could you imagine trying to say, like, hey, babe. Yeah, you're stabbing. You're stabbing me? A little stabby." — Kim (04:12)
• “I cross my fingers when I’m listening to someone talk so I don’t interrupt.” — Internet Hack (12:41)
• “I put my keys in the fridge so I remember to take my lunch with me to work.” — Listener Hack (20:37)
• "If you have something that needs addressing... the partner understanding it is a real force multiplier." — Penn (34:09)
• “ADHD children receive up to 10,000 more redirections before the age of 12.” — Dr. Kelley (44:44)
• "Unmasking is a very vulnerable thing to do.” — Kim (65:53)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• ADHD vs. Perimenopause symptoms, self-exploration: 03:12–04:51, 31:34–36:04
• Best ADHD hacks (hosts & listeners share): 10:20–22:00, 58:11–61:49, 71:45–76:36
• Dr. Amelia Kelley Interview: 27:47–1:06:10
• Defining/diagnosing ADHD in adults: 41:29–43:20
• Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: 43:24–48:34
• ADHD as a superpower: 52:29–55:22
• Gen Z slang: “Preppy” meaning: 77:12–78:43

Memorable, Relatable Moments

• Kim’s vulnerability in realizing she might have ADHD herself, despite her public persona as “the non-ADHD” member of the family.
  Quote:

  "For me to be like, whoopsie, psych. It just feels like I feel embarrassed not to have ADHD... But I would feel embarrassed to then say, oh, actually, I do have it." — Kim (68:05)

• The hosts’ open banter about marital dynamics, mental load, and the stress/magic of raising neurodiverse kids.
• International listeners chiming in with hacks, reinforcing the community and shared experience.

Takeaways

• Every ADHD brain is unique: Personalization is key; the best “hack” is one that works for you.
• Masking is common, especially in high-achieving women, and leads to late-life realization/diagnosis.
• Understanding matters for both the individual and their families: Partner awareness improves outcomes and coping.
• ADHD strengths are real and worth celebrating.
• Unmasking and vulnerability creates space for more effective, tailored solutions.

Resources & Ways to Connect

• Dr. Amelia Kelley: drameliakelley.com | Instagram: @dr.ameliakelley | Local practice: Kelly Counseling and Wellness (Cary, NC)
• Holderness Family: theholdernessfamily.com | Email: podcast@theholdernessfamily.com | Voicemail: 323-364-3929

This episode blends humor, science, vulnerability, and real talk, offering valuable insights, practical tips, and a sense of solidarity for anyone navigating ADHD—especially women questioning symptoms amid life changes.