Laugh Lines with Kim & Penn Holderness

Episode: "When You Speak Different Love Languages with Dr. Gary Chapman"
Date: February 17, 2026

Overview

In this episode, Kim and Penn Holderness dive into the intricacies of love languages with Dr. Gary Chapman—the creator of the "Five Love Languages" framework. With characteristic warmth and humor, they explore how understanding love languages can help us better connect in marriage, family, friendships, and even the workplace. Dr. Chapman shares new insights from his latest book, discusses how love languages shift over time, delves into the concept of dialects within each language, and touches on the powerful idea of “apology languages.” Practical, funny, and authentic, it’s an episode for anyone aiming to “age better together” through better relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Love Language Assessments (06:17–08:05)

• Kim and Penn share their updated love language profiles and reflect on their premarital experience with the concept.
• Kim’s primary: Acts of Service (with Words of Affirmation and Quality Time tied for second)
• Penn’s primary: Physical Touch, followed by Words of Affirmation
• Neither values gift-giving highly, which has worked for their relationship.

Kim: "If you sweep the floor for me, it’s on." (06:56)

2. The Sixth Love Language: Christmas? (08:12–11:10)

• A listener call-in sparks a humorous debate: could "Christmas" be its own love language?
• The hosts and team agree that Christmas encapsulates multiple love languages—quality time, gifts, physical touch.

Quote:
"Christmas is the love language. Time, season." – Sam (09:45)

3. Origins & Fundamentals of Love Languages (11:12–18:45)

• Dr. Chapman recounts the "aha" moment that led to identifying the five love languages.
• The Five Love Languages summarized:
  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Quality Time
  5. Physical Touch
• Dr. Chapman emphasizes that we all have a "primary" love language—receiving love in other ways is fine, but the primary language resonates most emotionally.

Key Quote:
"What makes one person feel loved doesn't make another person feel loved." – Dr. Gary Chapman (12:35)

4. Dr. Chapman’s New Book: Dialects and Personality (18:45–21:38)

• The new book, "The Love Language That Matters Most," digs deeper into dialects (variations within each love language) and how personality influences love language expression.
• Introduction of a new "premium assessment" with detailed breakdowns and personalized insights.

Dr. Chapman:
"In each of these love languages there are dialects, but you don't tell us anything about what you mean... and what are the dialects?" (18:45)

5. Understanding Dialects in Love Languages (21:38–23:27)

• Dialects are the different "accents" or specific ways people prefer a love language (e.g., practical gifts vs. fanciful or sentimental gifts).
• Tailoring expression to your partner’s preferred "dialect" can enhance emotional impact.

Dr. Chapman:
"Helping people understand those different dialects in each of the languages is going to really help them be more specific..." (23:05)

6. When Your Partner's Love Language is Hard for You (24:25–34:21)

• What do you do if your partner's love language is not natural for you? (Physical touch example during menopause; difficulties with words of affirmation)
• Dr. Chapman shares a moving case study: How to train yourself to speak your partner’s language even if it wasn’t modeled growing up.
• Motivation comes from the attitude of wanting to enrich the other’s life, not just feelings.

Notable Quote:
"True love begins not with a feeling, but with an attitude. And the attitude of love is, I want to enrich the life of the other person." – Dr. Gary Chapman (34:16)

7. Love Languages and Personality Types (45:10–47:28)

• Expression of love languages can be shaped by personality—introverts may prefer praise in private, while extroverts welcome it in groups.
• Planning vs. spontaneity in "quality time" also depends on personality.

8. Love Languages Beyond Romance: Kids, Friends, Workplace (36:18–38:59)

• The concept applies broadly: children, teens, coworkers. Each relationship may have a different dynamic.
• Dr. Chapman shares stats about lack of appreciation in the workplace and how understanding love languages can address it.

Dr. Chapman:
"The question is not do you love your children. ... The question is, do your children feel loved?" (36:32)

9. How Love Languages Change Over Time (39:14–42:00)

• Sam (producer) notes her love language shifted from "Words of Affirmation" to "Physical Touch" after a divorce.
• Dr. Chapman explains circumstances, life seasons, and even partners can shift which language feels primary.

10. Practical Tips for Couples: The Love Tank Check-In (41:07–42:52)

• Regularly check in with your partner: "On a scale of 0-10, how full is your love tank?"
• If less than 10, ask: "What can I do this week that would be most meaningful?"

11. Giving What You Seek: Symmetry of Speaking and Receiving (43:04–45:06)

• Our "native" love language is usually both what we give and crave, but not always.
• Dr. Chapman shares a personal anecdote learning to do acts of service for his wife.

Quote:
"I still wash the dishes after all these years. And she tells me I'm the greatest husband in the world." – Dr. Gary Chapman (45:06)

12. Apology Languages (47:38–56:41)

• Introduction to the idea that people also have "apology languages"—ways they best recognize and receive sincere apologies.
• The five apology languages:
  1. Expressing Regret ("I'm sorry")
  2. Accepting Responsibility ("I was wrong")
  3. Making Restitution ("What can I do to make it right?")
  4. Genuinely Repenting (expressing the desire to change)
  5. Requesting Forgiveness

Dr. Chapman:
"For some people, if you don't express the desire to change your behavior... you could not be sincere." (55:03)

Penn:
"You know what I didn’t hear as an apology language? 'I'm sorry if that offended you.'" (56:30)
Dr. Chapman:
"Which is not an apology—the blame's on the other person." (56:37)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Expanding "Love Languages":
  “Christmas is the love language.” – Sam, 09:45

• On Going Beyond Feelings:
  “We don’t choose our feelings, but we don’t have to be controlled by them.” – Dr. Gary Chapman, 33:41

• On Relationship Work:
  "It’s not just discovering their love language, but it’s learning how to speak it in a way that’s most meaningful to them." – Dr. Gary Chapman, 41:11

• On Growth:
  "You can learn to speak this language as an adult, even if you didn’t receive it as a child." – Dr. Gary Chapman, 29:05

Important Timestamps

• Personal Love Language Results: (06:17–08:05)
• Dr. Chapman Introduced: (11:14)
• Origin Story & Summary of Languages: (12:35–18:45)
• Dialect Concept Explained: (21:38–23:27)
• Matching/Contrasting Love Languages in Relationships: (34:21–36:18)
• Workplace Application & Appreciation: (36:32–38:59)
• Love Languages Shifting Over Life: (39:14–42:00)
• Love Tank Exercise: (41:07–42:52)
• Apology Languages: (47:38–56:41)

Kim & Penn’s Takeaways (“As the Cookie Crumbles” Segment) (61:11–62:55)

1. Attitude Over Emotion:
   Love is about the desire to enrich the other’s life—not just feelings. Your love language may shift as emotions settle, especially in the early “honeymoon” phase.

2. Love Languages = Conflict Resolution:
   While the idea is positive, it’s born out of real relationship conflicts and unmet needs.

3. The Weekly Check-In:
   Make it a habit to ask your partner how “full” their love tank is; actionable steps follow.

Kim: "As an acts of service girl, I love that because it gives me like a very direct thing to do." (62:55)

Episode Tone

The conversation is candid, warm, and lighthearted—typical of the Holdernesses—balancing humor with meaningful relationship advice. Dr. Chapman is direct, kind, and practical, offering relatable stories and gentle wisdom.

Resources and Further Learning

• 5lovelanguages.com — Quizzes, resources, and events
• Dr. Chapman’s latest book: "The Love Language That Matters Most"
• Lookup "The Five Languages of Apology" for more on apology languages

This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking practical, memorable advice on the languages of love—with plenty of laughter and real-life examples to make the wisdom stick.