When You Speak Different Love Languages with Dr. Gary Chapman

Summary

---

Laugh Lines with Kim & Penn Holderness

Episode: "When You Speak Different Love Languages with Dr. Gary Chapman"
Date: February 17, 2026

Overview

In this episode, Kim and Penn Holderness dive into the intricacies of love languages with Dr. Gary Chapman—the creator of the "Five Love Languages" framework. With characteristic warmth and humor, they explore how understanding love languages can help us better connect in marriage, family, friendships, and even the workplace. Dr. Chapman shares new insights from his latest book, discusses how love languages shift over time, delves into the concept of dialects within each language, and touches on the powerful idea of “apology languages.” Practical, funny, and authentic, it’s an episode for anyone aiming to “age better together” through better relationships.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Love Language Assessments (06:17–08:05)

• Kim and Penn share their updated love language profiles and reflect on their premarital experience with the concept.
• Kim’s primary: Acts of Service (with Words of Affirmation and Quality Time tied for second)
• Penn’s primary: Physical Touch, followed by Words of Affirmation
• Neither values gift-giving highly, which has worked for their relationship.

Kim: "If you sweep the floor for me, it’s on." (06:56)

---

2. The Sixth Love Language: Christmas? (08:12–11:10)

• A listener call-in sparks a humorous debate: could "Christmas" be its own love language?
• The hosts and team agree that Christmas encapsulates multiple love languages—quality time, gifts, physical touch.

Quote:
"Christmas is the love language. Time, season." – Sam (09:45)

---

3. Origins & Fundamentals of Love Languages (11:12–18:45)

• Dr. Chapman recounts the "aha" moment that led to identifying the five love languages.
• The Five Love Languages summarized:
  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Quality Time
  5. Physical Touch
• Dr. Chapman emphasizes that we all have a "primary" love language—receiving love in other ways is fine, but the primary language resonates most emotionally.

Key Quote:
"What makes one person feel loved doesn't make another person feel loved." – Dr. Gary Chapman (12:35)

---

4. Dr. Chapman’s New Book: Dialects and Personality (18:45–21:38)

• The new book, "The Love Language That Matters Most," digs deeper into dialects (variations within each love language) and how personality influences love language expression.
• Introduction of a new "premium assessment" with detailed breakdowns and personalized insights.

Dr. Chapman:
"In each of these love languages there are dialects, but you don't tell us anything about what you mean... and what are the dialects?" (18:45)

---

5. Understanding Dialects in Love Languages (21:38–23:27)

• Dialects are the different "accents" or specific ways people prefer a love language (e.g., practical gifts vs. fanciful or sentimental gifts).
• Tailoring expression to your partner’s preferred "dialect" can enhance emotional impact.

Dr. Chapman:
"Helping people understand those different dialects in each of the languages is going to really help them be more specific..." (23:05)

---

6. When Your Partner's Love Language is Hard for You (24:25–34:21)

• What do you do if your partner's love language is not natural for you? (Physical touch example during menopause; difficulties with words of affirmation)
• Dr. Chapman shares a moving case study: How to train yourself to speak your partner’s language even if it wasn’t modeled growing up.
• Motivation comes from the attitude of wanting to enrich the other’s life, not just feelings.

Notable Quote:
"True love begins not with a feeling, but with an attitude. And the attitude of love is, I want to enrich the life of the other person." – Dr. Gary Chapman (34:16)

---

7. Love Languages and Personality Types (45:10–47:28)

• Expression of love languages can be shaped by personality—introverts may prefer praise in private, while extroverts welcome it in groups.
• Planning vs. spontaneity in "quality time" also depends on personality.

---

8. Love Languages Beyond Romance: Kids, Friends, Workplace (36:18–38:59)

• The concept applies broadly: children, teens, coworkers. Each relationship may have a different dynamic.
• Dr. Chapman shares stats about lack of appreciation in the workplace and how understanding love languages can address it.

Dr. Chapman:
"The question is not do you love your children. ... The question is, do your children feel loved?" (36:32)

---

9. How Love Languages Change Over Time (39:14–42:00)

• Sam (producer) notes her love language shifted from "Words of Affirmation" to "Physical Touch" after a divorce.
• Dr. Chapman explains circumstances, life seasons, and even partners can shift which language feels primary.

---

10. Practical Tips for Couples: The Love Tank Check-In (41:07–42:52)

• Regularly check in with your partner: "On a scale of 0-10, how full is your love tank?"
• If less than 10, ask: "What can I do this week that would be most meaningful?"

---

11. Giving What You Seek: Symmetry of Speaking and Receiving (43:04–45:06)

• Our "native" love language is usually both what we give and crave, but not always.
• Dr. Chapman shares a personal anecdote learning to do acts of service for his wife.

Quote:
"I still wash the dishes after all these years. And she tells me I'm the greatest husband in the world." – Dr. Gary Chapman (45:06)

---

12. Apology Languages (47:38–56:41)

• Introduction to the idea that people also have "apology languages"—ways they best recognize and receive sincere apologies.
• The five apology languages:
  1. Expressing Regret ("I'm sorry")
  2. Accepting Responsibility ("I was wrong")
  3. Making Restitution ("What can I do to make it right?")
  4. Genuinely Repenting (expressing the desire to change)
  5. Requesting Forgiveness

Dr. Chapman:
"For some people, if you don't express the desire to change your behavior... you could not be sincere." (55:03)

Penn:
"You know what I didn’t hear as an apology language? 'I'm sorry if that offended you.'" (56:30)
Dr. Chapman:
"Which is not an apology—the blame's on the other person." (56:37)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Expanding "Love Languages":
  “Christmas is the love language.” – Sam, 09:45

• On Going Beyond Feelings:
  “We don’t choose our feelings, but we don’t have to be controlled by them.” – Dr. Gary Chapman, 33:41

• On Relationship Work:
  "It’s not just discovering their love language, but it’s learning how to speak it in a way that’s most meaningful to them." – Dr. Gary Chapman, 41:11

• On Growth:
  "You can learn to speak this language as an adult, even if you didn’t receive it as a child." – Dr. Gary Chapman, 29:05

---

Important Timestamps

• Personal Love Language Results: (06:17–08:05)
• Dr. Chapman Introduced: (11:14)
• Origin Story & Summary of Languages: (12:35–18:45)
• Dialect Concept Explained: (21:38–23:27)
• Matching/Contrasting Love Languages in Relationships: (34:21–36:18)
• Workplace Application & Appreciation: (36:32–38:59)
• Love Languages Shifting Over Life: (39:14–42:00)
• Love Tank Exercise: (41:07–42:52)
• Apology Languages: (47:38–56:41)

---

Kim & Penn’s Takeaways (“As the Cookie Crumbles” Segment) (61:11–62:55)

1. Attitude Over Emotion:
   Love is about the desire to enrich the other’s life—not just feelings. Your love language may shift as emotions settle, especially in the early “honeymoon” phase.

2. Love Languages = Conflict Resolution:
   While the idea is positive, it’s born out of real relationship conflicts and unmet needs.

3. The Weekly Check-In:
   Make it a habit to ask your partner how “full” their love tank is; actionable steps follow.

Kim: "As an acts of service girl, I love that because it gives me like a very direct thing to do." (62:55)

---

Episode Tone

The conversation is candid, warm, and lighthearted—typical of the Holdernesses—balancing humor with meaningful relationship advice. Dr. Chapman is direct, kind, and practical, offering relatable stories and gentle wisdom.

---

Resources and Further Learning

• 5lovelanguages.com — Quizzes, resources, and events
• Dr. Chapman’s latest book: "The Love Language That Matters Most"
• Lookup "The Five Languages of Apology" for more on apology languages

---

This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking practical, memorable advice on the languages of love—with plenty of laughter and real-life examples to make the wisdom stick.

Transcript

[A]

This episode is sponsored by gab.

[B]

As we know, the youth mental health crisis is all over the news and we know that social media is a huge driving factor.

[A]

Did you know the US Surgeon General warns that kids who spend more than three hours a day online are twice as likely to have depression and anxiety?

[B]

Yeah, we are huge advocates for prioritizing mental health and that includes monitoring the time that we and our kids spend in front of devices.

[A]

I personally keep my phone out of the bedroom at night so I don't spend hours mindlessly scrolling rather than getting a good night's sleep.

[B]

Here's the good though. A company called Gab has solved that problem by doing something no one else is doing. Their approach is tech in steps.

[A]

Tech in Steps works by providing kids safe phones and watches tailored to every age. Offering the right device at the right time.

[B]

From GPS tracking enabled watches for young kids to increase features and parent enabled apps on the phones for tweens and teens, each device grows with your child.

[A]

Bottom line, you don't have to give your kids a device that was made for an adult. Get them gab, which keeps them socially connected safely.

[B]

Use our COD to get the best deal on something that'll make parenting easier and give you some peace of mind. Visit gab.com holderness and use that code.

[A]

Holderness for a special offer that's G-A-B-B.com Holderness hey guys, we're so excited to tell you about our sponsor, Avocado Green Mattress.

[B]

Their certified organic mattresses, pillows and solid wood furniture are made without harmful chemicals with thoughtfully chosen materials designed to support healthier living and and more restorative sleep.

[A]

When I think about wellness, I think about the daily stuff that actually adds up. Like sleep.

[B]

Yeah, and upgrading to a mattress made with real organic materials feels like choosing real food over processed, right? It just performs better in real life.

[A]

And we're big on sleep over here. I mean, I don't really function without my Z's.

[B]

I can attest to that. Love you babe.

[A]

Plus, we love that Avocado doesn't take synthetic shortcuts. Real organic materials feel better, breathe better and hold up so your sleep support lasts night after night.

[B]

Designed to support de restorative sleep so your body can properly recover, reset and wake up ready to take on the.

[A]

Day and you don't have to have a single regret. Sleep trials of up to one year ensure you're getting the best mattress for you.

[B]

When it comes to what you sleep on, real wins. Real is better. So go to avocadogreenmattress.com Holderness to check out their mattress and bedding sale.

[A]

That's avocadogreenmattpress.com Holderness avocadogreenmattrush.com/holderness Break through the busiest time of the year with the brand new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus. Powered by Peloton iq, this is Peloton's.

[B]

Most elevated equipment with real time guidance and endless ways to move alone or with your favorite instructors. It's cross training reimagined with features designed to help you reach your goals effortlessly.

[A]

Peloton IQ has features like goal setting and weight suggestions so you're always making new progress.

[B]

Plus, the new movement tracking camera allows Peloton IQ to count your your reps and correct your form in real time and that takes the guesswork out of your workout so you can train safer, lift smarter and make every rep count.

[A]

Go on a 45 minute run on the tread plus or a 5 minute stretch off of it with one smooth spin of the swivel screen. It offers endless ways to train for a well rounded routine no matter how busy you are.

[B]

As an avid Peloton user, I love that Peloton IQ creates a personal workout roadmap with weekly recommended classes led by instructors who match my mood, my vibe and my personality with features that help.

[A]

You plan, stay motivated and achieve peak performance. I love that you can get your workout on while Peloton handles the rest.

[B]

So let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push and go explore the new peloton cross training tread [e-mail] the great philosopher Paula Abdul once said, opposites attract.

[A]

So literally, I will reach out at night and go like physical touch.

[C]

True love begins not with a feeling, but with an attitude. And the attitude of love is I want to enrich the life of the other person.

[B]

Yeah, we get older every day. Got more wrinkles.

[A]

That's okay.

[C]

Yeah, we're laughing.

[B]

When we age, life is like a comedy stage. And that's why we got laugh lines.

[A]

Hey everybody, I'm Kim Holderness.

[B]

And I'm Ben Holderness. Welcome to Laugh Lines.

[A]

If you ever stood up, walked over to the pencil sharpener and just really sharpen that pencil for a really long time because you wanted everybody in class to see your brand new outfit, your home. Welcome.

[B]

To be clear, there used to be a pencil sharpener next to the door and it had a little rotary thing.

[A]

Do they not have pencil sharpeners in.

[B]

Class next to the door?

[A]

They're probably still there. You can't really. You can't really.

[D]

I'm pretty sure they were bolted into the concrete.

[B]

They were hard bolted into the concrete.

[A]

I think, honestly now that I'm thinking of it, I think they just use their computers for everything.

[B]

So no one knows how to write things when they're in school anymore.

[A]

Our son's handwriting. He looks like he is sending a ransom note.

[B]

I would, I would argue that about both of our children.

[A]

I know, guys.

[B]

Anyway, it's just not at a premium.

[A]

Anymore, I think obviously a little housekeeping. We have a wonderful, wonderful episode for you today. But we have exciting news to share.

[B]

Very exciting news, guys. We have another book out for preorder. It is a children's book. It's called Get It Done and have Fun ADHD Hacks for awesome Kids. It's basically got a bunch of tips and tricks on how to help your child with executive functioning. And I'll be honest, like, this could also work for adults.

[A]

There's some really good stuff in there.

[B]

Yeah, it doesn't necessarily have to work for just kids with adhd.

[A]

So don't be offended if I gift this book to you. You can go to theholdernessfamily.com to get more information or pre order your copy, including an option to get a signed copy.

[B]

Yeah, I love signing.

[A]

Today we have an incredible show. Okay. We are talking about love languages with the guy, the guy who invented them, Dr. Gary Chapman.

[B]

If you've ever heard someone say, yeah, quality times, my love language that was invented 30 years ago by a single human being who has turned it into a wildly successful franchise.

[A]

And we're talking to him today about his new book. But let's back up a second. We, we retook our love language assessment. I think your dad, because his pen's dad was a pastor and he married us and so we did some premarital counseling which was very weird to do with your future father in law. Anyway, this is one of the tests he had us take. He had to take like Myers Briggs, this everything, which was very helpful. I don't think mine have changed much, but I am an Acts of Service. Girls. I love some words of affirmation as well, but I, if you sweep the floor for me, it's on.

[B]

You are. So I'm looking at yours right now. Acts of service is the clear top. Then there's like a three way tie like words of affirmation, Quality time. And honestly, physical touch is fourth for you, right?

[A]

Which you're shocked at this.

[B]

No, I'm not shocked at this.

[A]

Okay. And then both of Us, we'll go through yours real quick. But both of us have receiving gifts at the bottom, which works out because we are just not big gift gift people.

[B]

Honestly, for us, usually the gifts are some sort of active service, like something that I've done for you that you don't have to do anymore or a trip or something. Yeah, Like, I plan the trip for you.

[A]

It's quality time.

[B]

It's done.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So, like the. Yeah, I think that, like, those other things are baked into it. Mine is like the clear winner was physical touch.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's. No one's surprised about that. That's. That. That's the way I've been since I was a kid. And then words of affirmation. We both have the same number two.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Words of affirmation. Quality time is three for me. And just like my top one is your fourth. Your top one is my fourth. As far as, like, things that I want to receive.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Which is acts of service.

[A]

Okay. Before we get to Dr. Gary Chapman, let's head to the laugh line.

[B]

Everyone will find laughter us up and you tell us what's on your mind.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

Just letting you know something that's making me happy right now. This is Mary from Kansas City is leaving Christmas up.

[C]

Full on.

[A]

Christmas is still happening in decor in.

[C]

My house, and I'm loving it.

[A]

It helps me get through January this year. So that's what I'm doing. I love that this is a sixth love language. Dr. Carrie Chapman.

[B]

Christmas is the sixth love language.

[A]

We. Yeah, Christmas. This. The. The sixth love language is just Christmas. I love this energy. I don't want to steal her joy.

[B]

Where is that on your list? Like, if there's a sixth love language, where does that go? And Sam, I'll get this from. From you as well. So right now we've got these rankings. Do you have Christmas ahead of acts of Service?

[A]

No.

[C]

Do you.

[B]

Do you have it ahead of words of affirmation?

[A]

Maybe it might be your number two Christmas. I think Dr. Gary Chapman, we need to call him up and say, hey, you might need to edit all of your books for whatever reason. Like, it. I do get sad taking it down. But then I also, I don't know if I could be the person who leaves a chair, a tree up year round. Like, I still do want it to feel special.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. This is what I think. Why do you love Christmas so for me, Chris, I love Christmas. I would put Christmas so high if it was a six love language. But that when I think about it, I'm like, oh, My gosh. Christmas, we go ice skating, we do all these events.

[B]

Quality time.

[D]

We cozy up on the couch and watch movies. Physical touch.

[A]

You're 100, right?

[B]

There's also gifts.

[A]

Gifts, exactly. Christmas is the love language.

[D]

Christmas is the love language. Time, season.

[A]

Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. Like I, I love the joy that all of those things bring.

[D]

Dr. Chapman was nice enough to let Ann Marie and I also take.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, I want to hear about this.

[D]

And it's surprising or not, my love languages were exactly the same as pen's, like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. But Annemarie Penn and I. Number one, physical touch with him. How does that make you feel?

[A]

When I saw those results again, Dr. Gray Chapman has a book on how to bring this into the workplace. My immediate reaction was, these are the three people I interact with. I mean, besides my son, like the most. Am I supposed to just like walk up and hug them every morning? Like, is that an HR violation? Like, we don't have an HR department, but we joke about it. So I, I really do want to get his workplace book because I want to find out how to make you guys feel appreciate because I do appreciate you guys so much. I really truly do. But I think that me walking up and giving you a back rub is against some sort of workplace rule.

[B]

Fair. Yeah. Physical touch in a relationship is going to be different from physical touch in the workplace.

[A]

Right. So there has to be a workplace language that we can. But it wasn't surprising to me because you guys are all very touchy feely and I'm like, hi, Merry Christmas. Handshake.

[C]

Laughs.

[A]

Let's get to our guest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned author, speaker, pastor and relationship expert whose life work has helped millions and millions of people. He is best known for the book the Five Love Languages which has sold more than 20 million copies worldwide. It's remained on the bestseller list for years and it's been translated into 50 different languages.

[B]

With over three decades of hands on experience in marriage and family counseling, Dr. Chapman combines his academic expertise with real world insight. His enduring impact has helped people not just understand love, but how to live it well. His latest book, which we'll ask him about, is called the Love Language that Matters Most. How to Personalize Love so they really feel it.

[A]

Welcome to the show, Dr. Gary Chapman.

[C]

Well, thank you. I'm glad to be with you all.

[A]

We are so excited to have you. We are super fans. In fact, when we were making breakfast for my 16 year old son this morning, he asked what we were doing? I said we were going to be interviewing you. You know, the five language love languages. He goes, oh yeah, I know all about that. So my 16 year old son has an awareness of your work, so well done. You've really, really infiltrated the pop culture, even of the teens. That's huge. Would you mind just. Let's start from the beginning. For people who may not know, just giving us kind of a brief on the basics of the love languages.

[C]

Yeah, well, you know, many years ago I first discovered that what makes one person feel loved doesn't make another person feel loved. I'll never forget the first time that dawned on me. I didn't know the couple, had never met them. Found out later they'd been married to each other for 30 years. And after we discussed a while, the wife said, Dr. Chapman, here, here's the problem. I just don't feel any love coming from him. And she said, I feel empty inside. And she said, we don't argue, we're cordial, but he lives his life and I live my life. And I'm just, I don't know how long I can go on like this. And I looked at him and he said, I don't understand her. I do everything I can to show her that I love her. And I said, what do you do? And he said, well, I get home from work before she does. I start the evening meal. Some nights I have it ready when she gets home. If not, she'll help me. And after we eat, I wash the dishes every night. And on Thursday I vacuum the floors, and on Saturday I wash the car, I mow the grass, I help her with the laundry. And he went on. And I was beginning to wonder, what does this woman do?

[B]

I want you to keep going, but this man you're describing, I think Kim is in love with this man in your story, but please continue.

[C]

Yeah, and he said, I do all of that and I don't know what else I can do. I looked back at her and she started crying. And she said, he's right, he is a hard working man and I appreciate that. But we don't ever talk. You know, he's always mowing the grass, washing the dishes, vacuuming the floors. We don't ever talk. And I realized that here was a sincere husband who was loving his wife in the best way he knew how, but it was not connecting with her emotionally. And then I heard similar stories for years after that. And finally I thought, you know, there's got to be a pattern to this. So what I did is go Back and read several years of notes that I made when I was counseling and asked myself, when someone said, I feel like my spouse doesn't love me, what did they want? What were they complaining about? And their answers fell into five categories. And I later called them the five Love languages. And I started using that concept that if you want her to feel loved, you've got to learn how to express your love in her love language. And if you want him to feel love, you've got to learn his love language. And so I started using it in my counseling. And couples would come back after, you know, two or three sessions and say, gary, you know, this is really changing things. I mean, the climate's different now. And then I started teaching it in small groups in our church, and the same thing happened. It was probably five years later when I wrote the book the Five Love Languages. And the reason I wrote it, I thought, you know, if I can put this concept in a book and write it in the language of the common person, leave out psychological terms and even theological terms that a lot of people would not understand, maybe I could help a lot of couples that I would never have time to see in my office. So that's what led to the book. And here's. It's a brief summary of the five Love language. One of them is words. Words of affirmation. You look nice in that outfit. I really appreciate what you did. You know, one of the things I like about you, it's just using words to communicate your love to them. For some people, that's their language. Another is acts of service, doing something for them that, you know, they would like for you to do in a marriage. That is, such things as washing dishes and vacuuming floors and mowing the grass and walking the dog and changing the baby's diaper. That's a big act of service. So, you know, there's an old saying, actions speak louder than words. If this is the person's love language, that's true. It's not true for everyone. But for some people, actions do speak louder than words. And then number three is gifts. It's universal to give gifts as an expression of love. Before I studied counseling and theology, I did an undergrad and later a master's degree in cultural anthropology, Studying cultures all over the world and how they're organized. We've never discovered a culture where gift giving is not an expression of love. The gift says, they were thinking about me. Look what they got. So some people, gifts is their primary love language. And then there is quality time giving the Person your undivided attention. This is what the lady was complaining about. When she said we don't ever talk. She didn't mean they didn't discuss logistics, who's going to take the kids to school, which restaurants you want to go to. She didn't mean that. She meant we don't ever sit down and give our full attention to each other and share life with each other. She was begging for quality time. For some people, this is their primary love language. And then number five is physical touch. We've long known the emotional power of physical touch. That's why we pick up babies, hold them and kiss them and cuddle them long before the baby understands the meaning of the word love. The baby feels love by physical touch. So the basic concept is that out of those five, each of us, married or single, young or old, have a primary love language. One of them speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the others. Now, all of them are fine. We're not going to turn away any of them. But if we don't receive love in our primary language, we will not feel loved, even though the person may be speaking some of the other languages.

[A]

So that is such part of our lexicon. I think again, even my 16 year old knows this. I mean, it is such a popular concept now. And. But you have a new book. So how does the new book build on that?

[C]

Well, you know, the original book's been out now for over 30 years. Yeah, it has sold over 20 million copies. It's been published in over 50 languages around the world. But through the years, the two most common questions I've had from people who have read the book is, you know, Gary, in the book you mention that in each of these love languages there are dialects, but you don't, you don't tell us anything about what you mean by that and what are the dialects? And then the other question is, they say, you know, you mentioned in the book that our personality does interface with the love languages, but you don't really tell us how that works. And so this new book is dealing with those two issues. Among other things, you know, we talk about, you know, why people have tried some of this and it didn't work. And we look at all those kind of things. But, and I teamed up with Les and Leslie Parent. You may be familiar with them, some of your listeners may be familiar with them. They've written a number of books on marriage. He is a psychologist, a Christian psychologist. She is a marriage and family therapist. They live in Seattle, Washington. And they're really great. Their Best known book is saving your marriage before it starts. And along with that there's an online thing that you can take. So I teamed up with them and before we wrote the book, he put together mainly Les Leslie helped him some. He put together what we're now calling a premium assessment. Five Love language. Premium assessment. You know, the original quiz that we have online to help people discover their love language. My publisher told me 155 million people have taken that free quiz, which is amazing.

[A]

That's amazing.

[C]

But in that new assessment which you have to pay for on this one because it's a 15 page, you know, printout that you're going to get on yourself. And we, we do give, help them discover the dialects within the language that are most meaningful and we do talk about personality and how that interfaces. So we did that premium assessment first and it's been well received and a lot of counselors are using it with their, with their people. But the book goes into all of that. You know, the book spells out in each of the love languages, spells out all the dialects and it talks about the personality and how that interfaces. And we give lots and lots of real life illustrations in this new book. So I'm really excited about it. I think it's to. Going, going to, for people who've read the original book, I think it's going to help them be even more specific in how they're relating to each other.

[B]

Yeah. So what do you mean by dialect? I know that like in a metaphor of language it's, you know, there's a language and inside a language, you know, there's in British, there's cockney and there's old world English and all that stuff. So can you give us an example of like a different dialect?

[C]

Yeah, the dialect is simply a different way of speaking that particular language.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Just like you know, as what you mentioned, I speak English with a southern accent. You go to Boston, it's going to be different. Okay. It's a different accent, different dialect and. Well, let me just, let me just take gifts for example. There are fanciful gifts, things like, you know, for, for a lady, jewelry, a really nice piece of jewelry. But, but fanciful gifts. But there's also sentimental gifts like a photo that you had framed of a memory, a place, something where you had a memory, a sentimental gift that's very different from a fanciful gift. And then there's practical gifts like you know, vacuum cleaner or a coffee maker.

[A]

And some people would love that. Like my sister in law for Christmas, like one year she asked Your parents to have. They needed trees cut down in their yard to, like, have trees cut down. Whereas, like, I would love.

[B]

That's not fanciful.

[A]

That is not fanciful. That's very practical. But, like, that's a great use of a gift.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So helping people understand, you know, those different dialects in each of the languages is going to really help them be more specific and realize, you know, maybe I don't need to spend all this money on this fanciful gift when they've been saying for quite a while that they would like to have a new coffee maker or a new food mixer or something.

[B]

You know, I've got a comment and then I've got a question. My comment is 30 years ago. I think it was genius, going back to what you said, that this was based on notes that you had and a lot of the complaints and issues that people were having. Really, this is like, this is. The book is about problems people are having. But your title is positive in its solutions. And I think it's a genius title because it's a way for people to buy that book and feel like, oh, this is going to be good, instead of, oh, my gosh, I'm not getting along with my. I'm doomed. So on the marketing end, I don't know if you meant to do it in 1996 or whatever, but well done, sir. And so here's my question about those conflicts, right? What if the love language that your loved one craves the most you suck at or. Or don't do as naturally as some of the other things?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

More on this after these words. This show is sponsored by MIDI Health. Okay, quick question. Are you in midlife and feeling dismissed, unheard, or just tired? Like, is this how it's just going to be now? Forever Tired?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And not tired because you stayed up too late watching tv? No, we're talking tired. Because the health care system keeps saying things like, that's weird. And then absolutely nothing else.

[A]

For way too long, women's midlife health issues have been brushed off, trivialized, or met with the classic medical advice of have you just tried dealing with it?

[B]

Which feels less like health care and more like a shrug with a copay.

[A]

And here's a wild stat. 75% of women who seek care for menopause or perimenopause are left completely untreated.

[B]

75%. That's not a you problem. That is a system problem.

[A]

Enter midi, and honestly, bless them. MIDI is a women's telehealth clinic built specifically for midlife founded and backed by world class experts in women's health.

[B]

And Kim this part blew my mind. MIDI is the only women's telehealth brand covered by major insurance companies.

[A]

That means expert care that's actually accessible and affordable for women everywhere. Revolutionary concept, right?

[B]

Yep. At MIDI you get real one on one face to face visits with clinicians who actually listen. Like listening listen.

[A]

They offer personalized data driven care from hormone therapy and weight loss support to lifestyle coaching and preventative health guidance.

[B]

So no one size fits all nonsense. This care is designed for you.

[A]

Ready to feel your best and write your second act script?

[B]

Visit join MIDI.com to book your personalized insurance covered virtual visit that that's join.

[A]

Midi.Com midi the care women Deserve this.

[B]

Podcast is sponsored by Quince and Quince is all about elevated essentials that feel effortless.

[A]

Designed for layering and mixing, each piece helps build a timeless wardrobe made to last with versatile silhouettes and thoughtful details. They're the kind of styles you want to wear again and again.

[B]

They've got the wardrobe staples with quality that's made to last. Like 100% organic cotton sweaters. Premium denim made with stretch for all day comfort luxe cotton cashmere blends perfect for the changing seasons. Just everything you need for a wardrobe that actually lasts.

[A]

Quince works directly with safe ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're not paying for brand markup, just high quality clothing.

[B]

Quince uses the highest quality materials like 100 European linen and organic cotton. Everything is built to hold up season after season. The stitching, the fit, the fabrics. These are the pieces you will reach for over and over.

[A]

I can't tell you how much I'm loving my new cashmere sweater. It's a staple for sure and I'm sending a link to every woman in my life.

[B]

Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.comholderness for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too.

[A]

That's q-u I n c e.comholderness to get free shipping and 365 day return. Quince.comholderness.

[C]

Well, there's going to be a learning curve. Yeah, I remember the man who said to me, he said, doc Chapman. He said, my wife and I read your book and we took the quiz and her love language is words of affirmation. And I'm ashamed to say this, but I don't know how to say those kind of words. I never received positive words growing up. You know, when I Was told growing up that I was lazy, that I was never going to amount to anything and just negative words, and I don't know how to say positive words. And I said to him, well, you are where you are. We can't change our history. I said, but here's the good news. You can learn to speak this language as an adult, even if you didn't receive it as a child. Now that you understand how important it is to your wife. I said, for example, can you tell me three things that your wife is good at? He thought a moment and said, well, she's a good cook, and she's a good school teacher, and she's a good mother. I wrote those three words down and out beside each of those words, I wrote two or three sentences. For example, like on the cooking. It was something like, honey, I haven't told you this, but I really appreciate all the meals you cook. You're a wonderful cook. Just two or three sentences after each one of them. I handed it to the sheet to him, the paper. I said, now here's your assignment this week, twice a day, I want you to get in a room by yourself and say these words. Read these words out loud so you hear yourself actually saying these words twice a day, okay? Every day. And when you come back next week, I hope you can say them to me without looking at your notes, okay? He said, well, I'll try. So he came back and he did it. I said, okay, now here's your assignment. The next three weeks, I want you to give her one of these each week. I don't care what day of the week or what time of day, but you give her one of these each week. I said, now, the first time you give her one, you may want to say it when she's looking in another direction, because to look at her in her eyes and say it just may blow your mind. Okay? So let's just take it easy here. But you give her one each week and come back. I want to know what happened. So when he came back, he said, well, I did it. How'd your wife respond? He said, well, on the third week, she said, what is going on with you? I've never heard you give me so many compliments. I said, what did you say? He said, I said, well, honey, you know, we read that book and we took that quiz, and your love language is words of affirmation. So I'm just trying to learn how to put my love into words, because I know that's your language and I love you. She said, oh, that is so sweet.

[A]

So. And that. That is the. That's the goal, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So, okay. My. If you couldn't tell, my love language is acts of service. So Penn, before this recent ice storm, he got gas in my car. Just so I was like, I had never felt so loved in my life that he went out in the freezing cold to go get gas in my car. His physical touch.

[B]

Yeah, physical touch and words of affirmation. The physical touch is first.

[A]

Yeah. Physical touch is very high. I am perimenopausal. Sorry to be tmi. And sometimes, you know, it is hard. I'm just. There's just. There's a lot going on, Dr. Chapman. So for me, I know it's physical touch. So literally, I will reach out at night and go, like. I'll grab his arm and go, physical touch. Like I'm touching you. I know you need this. And I'm trying my very best. Like, yeah.

[B]

And me, as someone who needs physical touch more, living with someone with menopause, I go for a little bit of acts of service, knowing that that might.

[A]

Lead to physical touch.

[B]

To physical touch. It's a symbiosis that exists in our relationship.

[A]

But what happens if, like, I. I mean, I know I'm not alone in this perimenopausal journey in which physical touch is, like, just a little harder. So what. What happens when that language is hard to speak?

[C]

Well, I think, first of all, it's understanding how important it is to the other person when we know how we feel when they speak our love language. That's how they feel when we speak their love language. And so when we've got that concept, and we've also got the concept that really true love begins not with a feeling, but with an attitude. And the attitude of love is, I want to enrich the life of the other person. And we, all of us, either have an attitude of love. I'm talking about in the whole of life, we have an attitude of love. I want to live to enrich the lives of the people that I encounter. Or we have a selfish attitude. And when you put that into the marriage, if you have a loving attitude and then you have the information on what would meet one of their deepest emotional needs, you're highly motivated to go beyond your feelings, not allow your feelings. We don't choose our feelings, but we don't have to be controlled by them. So we go beyond our feelings to express love to that person in a way that's meaningful to them because we have an attitude of love. Now if we have an attitude of selfishness and by nature all of us are self centered and there's a good part of that that means we feed ourselves, we get rest and we get exercise. But when it becomes selfishness, in which I'm approaching all of life in terms of what I can get out of it, I bring that into the marriage. And this is where many, many individuals are in marriages. They're in that marriage and in their mind their spouse is not making them happy. And they will say eventually, after they've gone for a few years struggling with all this, they will say, well, I haven't felt loved in 10 years and I just want you to know I'm out of this marriage. Yeah. And by that time maybe they've already found somebody else that they have an affair with that that is speaking their language. Understand what I'm saying? Yeah, but, but, but selfishness leads, leads to divorce eventually. But an attitude of love helps us go against whatever we're facing, whether it's menopause or whether it's the gentleman. I mentioned that you just never received that language. So how can I speak it? I've never received it. Well, it's effort, but we just like it would be effort to learn a new spoken language. It's effort, but if we are motivated with an attitude of love, then we can learn how to speak that language, whatever's going on with us.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

Thank you, Ben.

[B]

And also I'll, I'll, I took, I'll take the garbage out later. So, so the, the great philosopher Paula Abdul once said opposites attract. And I know that that happens a lot in personality types. Right. Is that a similar thing in love languages too? Or, I mean, can people with the same exact love languages get along fine or like we, we're obviously have slightly different ones?

[C]

Yeah. Well, you would think that if both of them have the same primary love language, it would be easier. And I think it probably would be. I've done, I haven't done any research on that really, but it makes logical sense that it would be easier for them. But the reality is very few people in a marriage have the same love language. And so for most people, we're, we're going to have to learn to speak a love language that is not natural or not as natural for us, but it doesn't have to be natural for us. And yes, at the first it will feel a little strange and you know, just like if you're trying to speak a different language, it's going to feel strange, but it's okay, we just say, yeah, this is kind of, for example, to say to your spouse, if words is their language, to say, you know, I know that I haven't, I haven't done this and I don't know really but much about it, but I'm going to really try. And one of the things I'm going to do, I'm going to write some sentences down, things I'd like to say to you that I've never said, and I'm going to write them down. And sometimes, honey, I may have to read them, I may not be able to remember them, so please bear with me. But I want to learn how to speak my love to you in words, in your language. And just the fact that you're committing to them, that, yeah, this is new, this is hard, it doesn't come natural for me. But I love you and I want to communicate love in your language, man. That alone speaks to them that you're, you're willing to put effort into this.

[A]

We are talking about romantic love, which is oftentimes people's primary relationship. But we have children, we have co workers, we have friendships. It's important to know their love language. Right?

[C]

Absolutely. This concept applies in all close human relationships. You know, the second book in that series was the Five Love Languages of Children that I wrote with Dr. Ross Campbell, who was a Christian psychiatrist for 30 years working with children. And I say to parents, the question is not do you love your children? By nature, we love our children. The question is, do your children feel loved? And if you have two or three children, they may all have different love languages. You can't treat all of them the same and expect that they're going to all feel loved. I remember a 13 year old young man had run away from home and ended up in my office just a number of years ago. And he said to me in our conversation, my parents don't love me, they love my brother, but they don't love me. I knew his parents, I knew they loved him. The problem was what? That they didn't love him is that they had never discovered that he had a primary love language and they weren't speaking that language. So it applies with children, it applies with teenagers. The third book was the Five Love Language of Teenagers for parents. Now we have one for teenagers called A Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages. Have one for single adults on how this applies to all their relationships. Their parents, their college roommates, their dating partners, their work associates. So yeah, you're right, it applies in all human relationships. And I don't know, did. Just a few years ago, we took it to work. And the book's entitled the Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. We use the word appreciation rather than love, but it's the same basic thing that they feel that they are important, that people care about them. They're not just a cog in the machine, you know. And we've had a great response to that. And I'll tell you what motivated me to write that book. I wrote it with Dr. Paul White, who for 20 years, he's a psychologist, had 20 years experience working with business leaders. But two research projects, one of them found that 70% of the people who have a job in this country say they feel little appreciation at work. 64% of the people that leave a job and go to another job say they left primarily because they didn't feel appreciated where they were. So that's what motivated me. And so he did two years of research before we wrote that book. But yeah, it applies in all human, close human relationships.

[B]

Okay. I'm fascinated by the. The evolution of love languages within a person. The fact that sometimes they can change. Right. I imagine when I'm a child, it's very different from what it is when I'm an adult, and also how they can change in relationships. I want to bring in Sam Allen, our producer.

[A]

You're going to hear her on the mic.

[B]

You're going to hear Sam on the mic because she has. She has a question for you on that.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

I wanted to ask you about how love languages change over time because I did the free assessment made maybe six years ago, and my top love language was words of affirmation, and I did it this week. And now it's physical touch. Six years ago, when I took that first test, I was in a relationship where I didn't really know where I stood with the person. And that actually ended up in a divorce. And so I'm wondering if that's why words of Affirmation was coming up.

[C]

Yeah. I think there are seasons of life and there are circumstances where another love language may jump to the top. And I think that the circumstance you were in, you know, not sure about how they felt about you, words, you know, meant more to you. A mother who has two preschool children, acts of service may not have been her primary love language, but during those years, it's probably going to jump to the top because she's overwhelmed or even just an immediate circumstance. Let's say your spouse hangs up the telephone and starts crying and you say, honey, what's wrong. And they say, I just got word that my mother died and they're just weeping. Physical touch might not be their primary love language, but in that circumstance, wrapping your arms around them and holding them while they weep may be the most powerful thing you can do to communicate your love. I'm with you, honey. I'm with you. So, yeah, seasons of life and circumstances often will push another love language to the top.

[B]

Could the, the different partner push it to the top? Like if, if one, if, if that partner is, say better at certain things, it would make you want to, like.

[A]

You feel more confident in that relationship.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I think, I think that, I think that is possible and, but I think, I think for all of us, it's going to be, it's going to be a learning thing. It's not just discovering their love language, but it's, it's learning how to speak it in a way that's most meaningful to them. And here's one of the things that I encourage married couples to do. What about every two or three weeks you just say to your spouse, honey, on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank this week? Or how much love do you feel coming from me this week? And they give you a number. If they say anything less than 10, you say, well, what is the best thing I could do or say this week that would be most meaningful to you? Expressing my love. How's your love? And what they say may not be their primary language on that particular week.

[A]

Right. I'm feeling a 10.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think I'm 10ish.

[A]

10Ish.

[B]

But I'll tell you when it dips.

[A]

Yeah, but I feel like we're very, we are. Listen, Dr. Chapman, we get a lot, we work together, so we had a lot of quality time. So there's a lot of opportunity to talk about these things. Because there are weeks where we're like, oh, we're about a five. Like, yeah. But I think what I love about that exercise is it is, it is an act of service, then for. So I'm an active service brain. So if it's also an affirmation, it's an affirmation. So if you're like, you know what, babe? I'm about a seven. I. Because I communicate through acts of service, I can then get to work. Like, I know I have, like, a job to do and I've like, and it's not just to check the box to be selfish, but, like, it gives me something concrete to go off of.

[B]

Does It.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Does it necessarily mean, if you like it, that you like to also? So if you like receiving acts of service, that means you like giving acts of service. Is that always the case?

[C]

Well, it's typically true that the love language you speak most naturally is the one you want to receive. Gotcha. When we first got married, of course, I knew nothing about love languages in the early days of our marriage, but I gave my wife words of affirmation. I would not have called them that at the time, but he wouldn't have used that term. But I told her how nice she looked, how much I appreciate what she did. I told her probably several times a day, I love you, honey. I am so glad I married. I love you, love you, love you. And one night she said to me, you keep on saying, I love you. If you love me, why don't you help me? And I said, what do you mean? And she said, well, you don't ever offer to wash the dishes or vacuum the floors or clean the toilet. I mean, you don't offer to do anything. And I didn't say this, but what I was thinking. What are you talking about? My mother did those things.

[A]

Ooh, Dr. Chapman. Oh, I'm glad you did not say it.

[B]

You didn't say it out loud. Okay, good.

[A]

He's still here with us, therefore, he didn't say it.

[C]

What I did say was, well, honey, I didn't realize you wanted me to do that. I mean, I don't mind washing dishes. I just. I didn't know you wanted me to do it. And I said, I can vacuum the floors. I said, I don't mind doing that. And I said, I don't know how to clean toilets. And she said, I can teach you back on it. She was telling me her love language, you know, and so I think, you know, listen, people had good, good marriages before I wrote the book on five love languages, but if they did, they stumbled upon how to express love to each other. And that's kind of what we did in those early years. You know, I took kind of took what she said and started doing those things. And then she started telling me how much she appreciated me and. And so forth. And so we're still on that. Yeah, I still wash the dishes after all these years. And she tells me I'm the greatest husband in the world.

[B]

Because your love language is words of affirmation.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

We know that through seasons of life, your love language and what you. You need to hear and you need to feel may change and shift, but what doesn't change and shift is, I believe, at least is your. The foundations of your personality. I am more introverted, he is more extroverted. So how does love language work within those personality types?

[C]

Yeah, it helps us know how, again, how that influences how we speak their language. For example, let's say that the husband's love language is words of affirmation. So the wife's got that down, clearly. So she decides that she's going to not just tell him personally, but she's going to tell him in front of a whole group of their friends, going to tell everybody how wonderful he is.

[A]

He would love that, by the way.

[C]

Intellectually, he's okay with that. He understands her intentions, but in his heart, oh, honey, I just wish. I'd rather hear it just you and me, not in front of all these people, you know, so whereas an extrovert, that'd be wonderful. He'd love to hear you talk about how wonderful he is in front of other people. People, but not an introvert. So that's, you know, that's, that's kind of the example of that. And I think, I think another thing, let's say quality time. One of the dialects is improv, improvising, that is, just on the spur of the moment, start trying to get quality time going. So a husband said to his wife on Friday night at dinner, he said, honey, what about in the morning we get up early and go take a hike and let's spend the whole morning together up at Pilot Mountain? And his wife says, honey, tomorrow's Saturday. I've already got my Saturday planned. He said, oh, you can put those things off till next week. You see, in his mind, he's doing a wonderful thing. He wants to speak her language all morning, be with her all morning, but she is a managed person. Quality time, yes, that's what she wants. But let's. If you want to go, yeah, let's do it this next Saturday or two Saturdays down the road. Let's plan it. So again, the personality and the dialects, you see, interface with each other. And that's true on all the personalities.

[A]

So it's a dialect. One more question. You. You talk a lot about love languages, obviously, but there's also apology languages. Can you give us a primer on that real quick?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

More on this after these words. I'm pretty sure if our son could eat Mac and cheese every single day for every single meal, he would.

[B]

You are 100% correct. So it is nice to have peace of mind with thrash. Thrive Market. Thrive Market gives you versions of our favorite foods with less sugar, fewer sketchy ingredients and more nutrition.

[A]

Thrive is a membership based grocery service where you can shop from wherever you are. Simply just hop on their app.

[B]

Thrive Market makes it easy with thousands of healthier swaps from brands like Goodles, Mac and Cheese, Simple Mills, Poppy and so many more all vetted before they hit the site.

[A]

The membership breaks down to about $5 a month month and gives members access to weekly sales, personalized shopping with filters, auto ship and free gifts.

[B]

Instead of paying fees on every grocery delivery order, you pay once for the year and you benefit from it every time you shop.

[A]

We're huge fans and personally don't mind paying a small monthly fee to offload the stress researching and decision fatigue of eating healthy.

[B]

Plus you can easily shop from high protein meals, Low Sugar Treats, GLP1 Friendly Options or Gluten free staples.

[A]

Ready to make some healthy swaps and become a member? Join Thrive Market with our link thrivemarket.com holderness for 30% off your first order plus a free $60 gift.

[B]

But seriously, we do need more Mac and cheese. We should get on that.

[A]

Starting something new isn't just hard, it's terrifying. So much work goes into this thing that you're not entirely sure will work out and it can be hard to take that leap of faith.

[B]

Trust us, we know when we started all this we weren't sure how it was going to go. Like what if no one listens or watches? What if I make a fool of myself?

[A]

Now we know it was right to believe in ourselves despite all the fears and hesitations. It also helps when you have a partner like Shopify on your side to help.

[B]

Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Heinz, Mattel and of course the Holderness Family Shop.

[A]

With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style.

[B]

Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling.

[A]

Best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond.

[B]

And what if you get stuck? Well, Shopify is always around to share advice with their award winning 24. 7 customer support.

[A]

It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today.

[B]

Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com laughlines go to.

[A]

Shopify.Com laughlines that's shopify.com laughlines.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. IQ Bar protein bars, IQ mix, hydration mixes and IQ Joe mushroom coffees are the delicious low sugar, brain and body fuel you need to win your day.

[A]

The New Year means a clean slate. Time to transform frustration into fuel and power your day with IQ Bar.

[B]

The Ultimate Sampler Pack is a great way to try all IQ Bar products and flavors. You get nine IQ Bars, eight IQ Mix Sticks and four IQ Joe Sticks.

[A]

All IQ Bar products are clean, label, certified and entirely free from gluten, dairy, soy and GMOs and artificial ingredients.

[B]

The New year gives us all a chance to reset, so maximize your brain and body's potential with IQ Bars, Protein bars, hydration mixes and mushroom coffees. Their Ultimate Sampler Pack includes all three.

[A]

I personally always keep some IQ Bars plant protein bars in my bag for some quick protein and fiber with no added sugar on the go.

[B]

And right now IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQ Bar products, including the Ultimate Sampler Pack, plus free shipping.

[A]

To get your 20% off text Holderness to 64,000 text Holderness to 64,000 that's Holderness to 64,000.

[B]

Message and data rates may apply. See Terms for details.

[C]

A fellow counselor here in our city, whom I knew but hadn't seen in a while, made an appointment to see me, and when she came in she said, gary, I don't have a problem, but I want to share something with you. I've been using the five love languages for years in my counseling, but I think people also have an apology language. I said, what do you mean by that? She said, I think that what one person considers to be a sincere apology is not what another person considers to be a sincere apology, and people are missing each other. As soon as she said it, I resonated. Because for years they'd been in my office arguing over whether or not one of them apologized. She would say, I would forgive him if he would just apologize and he would say, I did apologize. And she would say, you didn't apologize. I told you I was sorry. That's not an apology. So as soon as she said it, I resonated and I said, well, I think you've got a good idea here. I hadn't really thought about it that deeply, but what are you going to do with this idea? She said, well, I was hoping maybe you and I could write a book together on it. I said, well, if we do that, we've got to do some research and find out if it's true. And then what are the apology languages? So we agreed and for two years we asked thousands of people all over the country questions. When you apologize, what do you typically say or do? And the second question, when someone's apologizing to you, what do you want to hear them say or do? And their answers fell into five categories. I promise you, we weren't looking for five.

[B]

Just happened.

[C]

This happened. And so, so we wrote the book on the five apology languages. One of them is I'm sorry. You see, where do we learn to apologize? Typically from our parents. And if our parents told us when we were 4 years old, don't push your sister, go tell her you're sorry. We're still saying I'm sorry when we're 23 and married if that's all we were ever taught. But I'm sorry. It's expressing regret that not always with the words I'm sorry but you're trying to communicate I feel badly about what I have done. And so expressing regret and then it's accepting responsibility. I was wrong, should not have done that. No excuse for that. I accept full responsibility. Incidentally, I think that's the first step in teaching a child how to apologize. Help them accept responsibility for their behavior. A four year old breaks a cookie and says it broke. And the parent says, honey, let's say that a different way. I broke the cookie. Nothing wrong with breaking the cookie. Just helping the child accept responsibility. And then number three is expressing the desire to make up. What can I do to make this right? What can I do to make it right? And for some people, this is what they're waiting for. I sent the manuscript to a counselor friend of mine in California before we published it. Asked him to read it and give us feedback. He came back, he said, gary, my wife and I decided to read this together. It's helping us. He said, now I realize because what I always have said for 15 years is I'm sorry. And it's always seemed like she couldn't let it go. We got to this one and she said, this is what I've been waiting for. For 15 years. You never have asked how can I make this right? He said, so now I tell her I'm sorry. But then I said, okay honey, what can I do to make it right? And he said, she always has an idea and when I do it, see, for all these years she thought he was not sincere. And then there is expressing the desire to change. Wife said to me not long ago she said, Dr. Chapman, he does this. And she told me what he does. And then he will say, honey, I'm sorry. I didn't really mean to hurt you. I'm sorry, honey. And the next week he does the same thing again. And the next week he does the same thing again. She said, I'm sorry means nothing to me. If he were sorry, he would change his behavior. For some people, if you don't express the desire to change your behavior and get you a pattern and a plan to start changing your behavior, in their mind, you could not be sincere. And then number five is actually requesting forgiveness. Will you forgive me? Or I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. And this one kind of blew my mind. I had not ever thought of that. I mean, I just assume that if I'm apologizing in any manner, would you not know I want to be forgiven? But there are some people for whom this is a part of a sincere apology.

[B]

Give them agency to. To do it. I, you know what I didn't hear as an apology language. I'm sorry if that offended you.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Which is not an apology. The blame on the other person.

[B]

I have learned that it's not an apology.

[A]

I'm sorry it hurt your feelings. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what I've also learned is if that you have a question about any relationship that you've ever had in your entire life. Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book about it. So if you have any questions, just find out information on the book he's written. Can you. As for people listening and we'll put this in the show notes as well. Can you point people in the direction for resources and where to get started?

[C]

Yes, they can go to the website five Love Languages dot com. The number five. Five Love Languages Calm. And you can check on resources and see all my books and so forth. You can check on events and go see where I'm going to be speaking. Do I do some Saturday marriage conferences around the country and other things. And the quizzes are all there also. So, yeah, the five Love Languages dot com.

[B]

I think we could do a Five Love Languages cookbook. I think we could do it.

[C]

All.

[B]

Or like, you know, if you like acts of service. This takes a little longer to make. Or like a Five Love Languages travel guide. Like if you.

[A]

Okay, yeah.

[B]

Spas for the physical touch people.

[A]

We're just interviewing to be a part of your strategy.

[B]

I'm just trying to help them out. It's a great franchise. It's incredibly positive. It's changed so many people's lives.

[A]

I mean, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It has been such a joy to talk to you, and I love that you're down the street, so don't be surprised if we show up to one of your winter Salem events. So.

[C]

All right, well, thank you. It's good to be with you all today and keep up the good work that you're doing. People need to be laughing, so keep on. Keep on stimulating laughter. Okay.

[A]

We're trying. We're trying. But thank you, Dr. Chapman. Have a great day. That was so lovely.

[B]

Isn't he great?

[A]

He's so great.

[B]

Can I tell you something funny? Like, so do you ever read a book and you just put a voice in someone's like, you imagine a voice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know why I thought he was going to sound like Jack Handy from, like, the Deep Thoughts Guy.

[A]

Like, what do you. I remember Jack.

[B]

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.

[A]

Oh, you thought it was gonna be.

[B]

Love is a language we all speak. You know, like, that sort of thing. And then he came out with, like, full on, like, my dad Southern. And then I was like, yes. Not what I expected.

[A]

He does sound a lot like your dad.

[B]

Or I mean, just anyone who lived in the south back. And he's like, my dad's age. He looks amazing.

[A]

I know.

[B]

What was your biggest takeaway?

[A]

The dialects.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This, like, new book is. Is all about, like, within physical touch. So we did the. We did the, like, the premium survey. It's like, there's playful touch. There's, you know, and there's all the different categories of touch. And maybe you would like playful touch. But, you know, if you tickle me, I will throat punch you.

[B]

I laughed so hard because being tickled was one of the questions. And I was like, well, there goes Kim's physical touch score. Like, that's good because it's like, yeah, throat punch. Or just like, you'd be in a bad mood for something happened to you.

[A]

I think what happened was, like, I was pinned down and tickled at some point.

[B]

At some point.

[A]

At some point in my life.

[B]

Well, we all were, I think.

[A]

Right? I think that was like a. Like a sibling, cousin. It was like a cousin situation.

[B]

I think I administered that to some people, too.

[A]

Right. And. And it's, like, meant to be, like, playful, and most people giggle. I. I think I felt out of power and I felt out of, like, I wasn't in control. So go. Even if. If I've told my kids early on I'm like, because they go like, they would go like tickle, tickled. I'm like, I, I, I can't control what's going to happen if you do that to me. Like if I push you to the ground. So anyway, so the dialects was one of my. What about you? So this is our new cookie segment for those that are new here. So we have a segment at the end of our podcast and we're work shopping different food products in hopes of a sponsor. But I have to been buying a lot of cookie cakes to eat my feelings recently. So we've made it. How about this? Crumbs of knowledge or as the cookie crumbles.

[B]

So what are we going with today?

[A]

We are going to go with as the cookie crumbles. Pen. Three things, Three things that he's really.

[B]

Taking away this week, as Kim has said, as the cookie crumbles. Pen's three things that he's taken away that really falls off the tongue.

[A]

And Sam's making a graphic. So it's all good.

[D]

It's funny though, when you say it as the cookie crumbles, it sounds like.

[B]

A taste of our lives as the cookie. That's the, isn't it? That's the way the cookie crumbles.

[A]

I don't know. Pen, just do your three.

[B]

Okay, sorry. Love languages. Okay, so number one, the attitude, not the emotion. And this was a really important sub comment he made. You can't really figure that attitude out until some of the emotions calm down from the beginning. So he talked about like this two year high.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's tough to say what your love language is in the first two years of a relationship. And I'm looking at Sam.

[D]

Well, yeah, I mean, but so you think like physical touch is high because I'm in that first two years. Two years.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

I think that I was probably, my physical touch was probably higher in our first two years because there's a lot more physical touch.

[B]

It's one of, I think it's like a biological coupling. It's like part of our DNA.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

So I don't know.

[D]

I'll get back to you in another year.

[A]

Give me a couple years and then we'll retake it. Okay.

[B]

Okay. So cool. Number two, I think it was really interesting learning that this book in this entire franchise is really more of a conflict resolution than it is talking about love languages. Like it came out of him looking at these notes of complaints from couples and then turned it into something positive. So that was, that was a great takeaway. For me, I love that that's what we try to do with adhd is awesome.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Number three, the weekly check in. Love the weekly check in. Right. So are you a 10? If it's anything less than a 10, ask the question, what can I do? What can I do?

[A]

Yeah. On a scale of 1 to 10, how loved are you feeling? Or he uses the metaphor of like a love tank, like a gas tank. Like, how full do you feel? And as an acts of service girl, I, I love that because it gives me like a very direct thing to. To do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought the apology languages, that is definitely a book I'll be getting because when. When people say, if there's something that's gone awry, I'm sorry, and they're like, I'm sorry if. Because I've, I've been on the receiving end of a few of those and it's like, you've not told me how you're going to change. And for some people, that works. Like, for some people just to say, like, I'm sorry. The other person is like, okay, great, we're good. I've learned that I'm a pretty tough cookie. Like, I need to know that, like, you're wrong. You're taking responsibility. Here's how I'm gonna make it right. Like, sorry, babe. Yeah, but you're actually really good at that. Which is. It's very rare that something goes that haywire with us.

[B]

But yeah, so I also had to learn to apologize less because I was apologizing just to get out of conflicts and it was.

[A]

And it would. Didn't feel like it meant anything. Cause you're like, I'm sorry.

[B]

What can I do to get out of this discomfort?

[A]

Right.

[B]

So now when I apologize, it's an actual apology.

[A]

Yeah. And there's like action behind it. This was a lot. And I can't wait to hear your feedback from all of this. So hit us up.

[B]

Laugh Lines is written and produced by Kim Holderness, Penn Holderness and Ann Marie Tapke with original music by Pen Holderness. It is filmed, edited, live, produced, and today a bit co hosted by Sam Allen and hosted by acast. As always, we love to hear from you. Please please write to us at podcastheholdernessfamily.com or leave us a voicemail.

[A]

323-364-3929 and we will see you very.

[B]

Soon on Laugh Lines.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Best Western Hotels and Resorts.

[B]

Okay, Kim, if I say spring break, what, what pops into your mind?

[A]

I'm not really sure I could say that this mic is hot.

[B]

Exactly. But hey, what if we can redefine what spring break looks like for today's travelers?

[A]

More relaxed, more grown up.

[B]

Yeah, like we deserve a simple trip that is meaningful but doesn't require a ton of planning.

[A]

Well, you know I love not planning and I also love a nice getaway that's well earned.

[B]

Couldn't agree more. Spring break isn't what it used to be. It is better this spring.

[A]

Stay three nights and get a 50 Best Western gift card.

[B]

Life's a trip. Make the most of it at best Western.

[A]

Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Break through the busiest time of the year with the brand new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus. Powered by Peloton iq, this is Peloton's.

[B]

Most elevated equipment with real time guidance and endless ways to move alone or with your favorite instructors. It's cross training reimagined with features designed to help you reach your goals effortlessly.

[A]

Peloton IQ has features like goal setting and weight suggestions so you're always making new progress.

[B]

Plus, the new movement tracking camera allows Peloton IQ to count your reps and correct your form in real time and that takes the guesswork out of your workout so you can train safer, lift smarter and make every rep count.

[A]

Go on a 45 minute run on the tread plus or a 5 minute stretch off of it with one smooth spin of the swivel screen, it offers endless ways to train for a well rounded routine no matter how busy you are.

[B]

As an avid Peloton user, I love that Peloton IQ creates a personal workout roadmap with weekly recommended classes led by instructors who match my mood, my vibe and my personality with features that help.

[A]

You plan, stay motivated and achieve peak performance. I love that you can get your workout on while Peloton handles the rest.

[B]

So let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push and go. Explore the new peloton cross training Tread [e-mail].

[A]

If your skincare isn't working, you're probably skipping one essential step. Gentle daily exfoliation, bare faced toning pads, smooth skin, unclog pores and help the rest of your routine work better, all without irritation. One of These sells every three minutes. They have over 653,000 five star reviews and the results speak for themselves. Get 15% off plus free [e-mail] with code SKIN15 Parle Tu Francais Hablas espanol.

[B]

Par le Italian Channel if you've used Babbel you would. Babbel's conversation based technique teaches you useful words and phrases to get you speaking quickly about the things you actually talk about in the real world. With lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts and voiced by real native speakers, Babbel is like having a private tutor in your pocket. Start speaking with Babbel today. Get up to 55% off your Babbel subscription right now at baby babbel.com acast spelled B-A B B E L.com acast rules and restrictions may apply.