Leap Academy with Ilana Golan Episode Title: If You Want to Have Life-Changing Conversations, Ask These Tough Questions | Topaz Adizes Release Date: January 28, 2025

Introduction

In this enlightening episode of Leap Academy with Ilana Golan, Ilana engages in a profound conversation with Topaz Adizes, an Emmy Award-winning writer, director, and Edmund Hillary Fellow. Topaz shares his journey and insights into fostering meaningful human interactions in the digital age. The discussion delves into the power of asking the right questions to facilitate life-changing conversations, both personally and professionally.

Topaz Adizes: A Journey of Connection

Topaz's Early Life and Motivation

Topaz begins by recounting his childhood experience of his parents' divorce when he was just four years old. This early disconnection ignited a lifelong hunger for authentic human connections.

Topaz (02:54): "I became a filmmaker for 15, 20 years. And then the last 10, 11 years with my experience design studio called the Skin Deep. I'm really interested in how the experience, the emotional experience of being human is shifting."

His academic pursuit in philosophy and passion for cinema led him to explore how conversations and shared experiences can bridge gaps between individuals. This foundation laid the groundwork for his mission to create spaces where genuine interactions flourish.

The Power of Questions in Conversations

Shifting from Negative to Constructive Inquiry

Topaz emphasizes the importance of framing questions constructively to elicit empowering responses. He likens the mind to a faithful dog that chases whatever "stick" is thrown to it.

Topaz (00:21): "Should I fire this person? Should we launch the product or not? Should I leave my job and start a startup? Okay, wait, change the question. Create a better, more specific, constructive question. And then the answer becomes obvious."

This analogy underscores how the nature of our questions directs our thought processes and, consequently, our actions and outcomes.

Creating the Space for Quality Conversations

Establishing Safe and Intentional Environments

Topaz discusses the necessity of creating a conducive space for meaningful dialogues. He differentiates between safety and comfort, advocating for environments where individuals feel safe yet are encouraged to step out of their comfort zones to foster growth.

Topaz (21:56): "You're creating a space where people feel safe, but not necessarily comfortable. Let's not confuse comfort and safety. You're creating a space where people feel safe, but not necessarily comfortable, because then you're growing."

He introduces the concept of intention versus agenda, highlighting that intentions invite open and vulnerable exchanges, whereas agendas often lead to surface-level interactions driven by predetermined outcomes.

Topaz (23:17): "An intention is, okay, you show up and go, guys, we need to make a decision... The intention is that we'll come up with a solution. Exactly what the solution is, I don't know."

Constructing Better Questions

Techniques for Formulating Empowering Questions

Topaz elaborates on methods to develop impactful questions that drive meaningful conversations:

1. Brainstorming with Specific Frameworks (27:09):

   • Timeframe: Incorporate a specific time frame (e.g., next three years, next month).
   • Emotional Impact: Consider how the situation makes you feel.
   • Impact on Others: Reflect on how decisions affect your community or relationships.

   Topaz (27:09): "What in the next two years can I do so that I feel like I'm growing and challenging myself? Such that I'm in a position to have a family life with my ideal partner?"

2. Question Loops (31:00):

   • Continuously ask "why" to delve deeper into motivations and reasons.

   Topaz (31:00): "What would it give you? What if you already have it? Why?"

3. Using Question Cards (32:02):

   • Utilize pre-designed question decks to explore various facets of a central challenge or enigma.

   Topaz (32:02): "You list out the question, the big question you're asking, the enigma, the challenge you're facing. Then you randomly pull out questions that I ask and you answer those in relation to the big question."

Applying Questions to Relationships

Enhancing Connection Through Thoughtful Inquiry

In the context of relationships, Topaz outlines five key aspects to consider when formulating questions:

1. Avoid Binary Questions:

   • Steer clear of yes/no questions to encourage deeper dialogue.

   Topaz (35:04): "Don't make them binary... So we are not talking about 'Why do we fight so much?' but instead, 'What is our biggest challenge in the relationship right now? And what do you think it is teaching us?'"

2. Empowering Nature:

   • Frame questions to empower rather than to assign blame or create defensiveness.

3. Connective Questions:

   • Acknowledge the unique dynamics of the relationship in the inquiry.

   Topaz (35:04): "Ask a connective question that acknowledges the people in the conversation."

4. Creating Pauses:

   • Formulate questions that encourage reflection and connection between disparate ideas.

   Topaz (36:00): "Make the questions connect two disparate ideas. They have to create a pause so you're exploring a new space between two neural nodes."

5. Intentional Presentation:

   • Offer questions as gifts of curiosity rather than agendas or confrontations.

   Topaz (37:35): "If you can offer the questions as a gift versus an agenda versus an attack... then people are more willing to open up and come."

Personal Experiences and Lessons

Navigating Difficult Conversations

Topaz shares personal anecdotes illustrating the challenges and benefits of engaging in tough conversations. He recounts his early startup days, where avoiding uncomfortable discussions led to strained relationships and decreased team performance.

Topaz (14:51): "I learned that if I didn't have that conversation with them, the longer they festered, the more painful they would be later."

Public Conversations with His Father

Highlighting vulnerability and open dialogue, Topaz discusses his public conversations with his father, emphasizing the courage required to engage in uncomfortable yet meaningful exchanges.

Topaz (39:33): "Our colleague at the time, Rosie, wrote the questions... That creates a safe space of equanimity."

Relationship with Money and Business Sustainability

From Artistic Passion to Sustainable Enterprise

Topaz delves into his struggles with maintaining a healthy relationship with money while pursuing his artistic passions. He explains the shift required to transform his approach from purely value-driven to ensuring sustainable energy flows within his business.

Topaz (42:02): "When I understood it was energy, what that meant for me was, okay, I'm going to put something out into the world. It's a lot of energy. Hopefully it has enough value in the world such that more energy comes back so that I'm not depleted."

He highlights the importance of aligning business goals with personal values to prevent burnout and ensure long-term sustainability.

Topaz (44:12): "What it is, it's a becoming... it's like it's a signpost. But what it is, it's like it's a becoming."

Advice on Business Growth and Personal Goals

Topaz advises entrepreneurs to ask themselves what they truly want and align their business models accordingly, rather than succumbing to external pressures or societal expectations.

Topaz (50:14): "What is the question you're asking yourself... what it is that you want? And then let's shape your business around that."

Wisdom for the Future Self

Reflecting on Growth and Learning

Both Ilana and Topaz share insights they would offer their younger selves, emphasizing the importance of asking for help and valuing personal growth over rigid success metrics.

Ilana (54:22): "How much more is possible? And again, it's one small step at a time, because we're just impatient people."

Topaz (52:19): "If you could go back to any point in time, where would you go? When would you go? And what would you tell yourself?"

Conclusion

This episode serves as a powerful reminder of the pivotal role that thoughtful, empowering questions play in shaping our lives and relationships. Topaz Adizes provides actionable strategies to cultivate meaningful conversations, emphasizing the necessity of creating safe spaces and framing inquiries that foster connection and growth. Ilana Golan and Topaz's exchange offers listeners valuable tools to enhance their personal and professional interactions, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and impactful life.

Notable Quotes

• Topaz (00:21): "Should I fire this person? Should we launch the product or not? Should I leave my job and start a startup? Okay, wait, change the question. Create a better, more specific, constructive question. And then the answer becomes obvious."

• Topaz (02:54): "I'm really interested in how the experience, the emotional experience of being human is shifting."

• Topaz (14:51): "The longer you don't have that conversation with them, the more uncomfortable the relationship would become."

• Topaz (27:09): "What in the next two years can I do so that I feel like I'm growing and challenging myself? Such that I'm in a position to have a family life with my ideal partner?"

• Topaz (37:35): "If you can offer the questions as a gift versus an agenda versus an attack, then people are more willing to open up and come."

• Topaz (52:19): "If you could go back to any point in time, where would you go? When would you go? And what would you tell yourself?"

• Ilana (54:22): "If I'd known a tenth of what I know now, I know we would have been a billion dollar company by now."

Key Takeaways

1. Ask Empowering Questions: Shift from negative or binary inquiries to constructive and specific questions that open up possibilities.
2. Create Safe Spaces: Establish environments where individuals feel safe to express vulnerability and engage in honest dialogues.
3. Intentional Conversations: Differentiate between intentions (open-ended, exploratory) and agendas (pre-determined outcomes) to foster genuine interactions.
4. Continuous Growth: Embrace the practice of personal and professional growth by regularly reflecting and adjusting your approach based on meaningful questions.
5. Sustainable Business Practices: Align business goals with personal values to ensure long-term sustainability and prevent burnout.

By integrating these principles, listeners can transform their approach to conversations, enhancing both their personal relationships and professional endeavors.