Podcast Summary:

Lenny’s Podcast: Product | Career | Growth
Episode: How to Show Up in Any Room with a Low Heart Rate: Silicon Valley’s Missing Etiquette Playbook | Sam Lessin
Host: Lenny Rachitsky
Guest: Sam Lessin (Partner at Slow Ventures, ex-VP of Product at Facebook, two-time founder)
Date: January 15, 2026

Episode Overview

Lenny sits down with Sam Lessin to discuss his unconventional crusade to bring etiquette back into Silicon Valley—and why it matters more than people think. Drawing on Sam’s new book and etiquette classes, the conversation dives deep into practical, concrete advice for showing up well in professional and social settings. Their guiding principle: etiquette isn’t about being stuffy, but about building trust, lowering your (and others’) heart rates, and signaling genuine confidence.

“The goal of learning good etiquette is to show up in a room with a low heart rate.”
— Lenny Rachitsky (01:24)

Key Topics & Takeaways

1. Why Etiquette Matters in Silicon Valley

• The “move fast and break things” ethos has ignored core social graces; Sam argues this is now a weakness.
• Trust and relationships are more critical as software and technology commoditize.
• Etiquette is more than tradition: it’s a foundational skill for building partnerships, trust, and projecting calm confidence.

“There is a deep truth to this... understanding how to meet people where they're at, build trust, mirror kind of expected behaviors—these are all like tools.”
— Sam Lessin (05:00)

2. Fundamental Principles: The ‘Low Heart Rate’ Mindset

• Etiquette is about making everyone (including yourself) comfortable—“show up with the self-confidence and the calm of abundance.”
• Avoid desperation or scarcity vibes; you’ll have more than one shot at opportunity.
• “Leave people wanting more” rather than unloading your entire life story or burning social capital in one go.

“If you show up like a little Energizer bunny, you're going to scare one off... understand how to build a relationship, not collect business cards.”
— Sam Lessin (07:10)

3. Practical Playbook: 10 Core Etiquette Scenarios

a. Introductions & Entering a Room

• Be early (not too early or late; if late, apologize simply and move on).
• Give a strong, but not crushing handshake.
• Repeat names back to people to signal attention and help remember them.
• Make eye contact—signals you are present (give grace for neurodivergence, but effort matters).
• If someone you’re with forgets a name, use cues like, “I want to introduce you to…” to help prompt the other person.

“If you're with your partner, introduce them first… If you forget someone's name, let it hang so your partner can pick it up.”
— Sam Lessin (13:53)

b. Conversations & Small Talk

• Welcome people into the conversation (especially in group or power-dynamic situations).
• Ask questions, but don’t grill—conversation should feel like ping pong, not an interrogation.
• Match vocabulary and energy to the room.
• Leave them wanting more; don’t overstay your conversational welcome.
• Use “great to see you” instead of “nice to meet you” if you’re unsure about prior interactions.

“The conversation is a give and a get… It’s a game of ping pong.”
— Sam Lessin (18:21)

c. Hygiene

• Scent should not be noticeable—avoid overpowering cologne/perfume or body odor.
• Dress appropriately for the setting; look put together but not flashy.

“Your scent should not be noticeable, in any direction… There’s no advantage to that.”
— Sam Lessin (24:11)

d. Dress

• Dress one level up from the “room average” (not two or three).
• Fit matters more than brand or cost.
• Don’t be memorable for a flashy watch or misfit clothing—“you’re not going to trick anyone.”
• If unsure, ask about dress codes.

“A well fitting $20 shirt is way better than a misfitting $500 shirt.”
— Sam Lessin (30:16)

e. Dining Etiquette

• Don’t order the most expensive item, especially if someone else is paying.
• Offer to pay or to split, even if you expect to be declined.
• When in doubt, order after others to set the tone.
• Tip well (20%+), so that your tipping is never memorable for the wrong reasons—offer generosity, not stinginess.

“Tip to the level that no one is going to bat an eye... 20% feels like the minimum.”
— Sam Lessin (37:29)

f. Small Talk & Humor

• Humor is powerful but risky; use it sparingly and appropriately for the room.
• Self-deprecating humor is always safer than poking at others.
• Keep a few stories or “crowd-pleasers” in mind, but don’t monologue.
• Exit conversations gracefully—“I’m going to grab a drink” is a gentle signal to move on.

“The ultimate demonstration of comfort is to tell a joke that's a little over the line but not too over.”
— Sam Lessin (44:54)

g. Scheduling Etiquette

• Don’t default to sending a scheduling link (e.g., Calendly), especially when there’s a power hierarchy. Offer options, and let the senior/busy person choose.
• Respect time zones and the realities of the other person’s calendar.
• Always be respectful of EAs and gatekeepers.

“If you are the less senior person, you let the other person say when they’re free and then make it work on your end.”
— Sam Lessin (49:53)

h. Communication (Email/Text/DMs)

• No emojis in formal business email; match the recipient’s style.
• Keep emails short and to the point; proofread.
• Be mindful of recipient order in email threads—signal importance via order (To & CC fields).
• Always acknowledge receipt, even if briefly.

“Emojis feel like jokes to me—tell them at your own risk.”
— Sam Lessin (56:51)

i. Meeting Etiquette

• Arrive 10-15 minutes early, not much more.
• Offer small talk at the start.
• For virtual meetings: camera on, tidy background, appropriate dress.
• Clean up after yourself—don’t leave your coffee cup or trash behind.

“Close your closet... it's not a big deal, but, do you see your own self-picture here?”
— Sam Lessin (64:04)

j. Exiting & Leaving

• Stand when people leave the table or room.
• Don’t make a production out of leaving (Irish goodbye is often best at large gatherings).
• Send a simple thank-you afterward.

“There are lots of scenarios where I think an Irish goodbye is the best goodbye.”
— Sam Lessin (67:00)

4. Broader Reflections & Notable Moments

• Teaching Etiquette: Sam describes teaching etiquette classes (sometimes tongue-in-cheek) to startup founders: “It started with a tweet, escalated to an event, and now it’s a book and classes.” (05:00)
• On Kids: Sam’s kids are now standing up at meals: “In our household, don’t judge me yet… judge me in a year on my children’s etiquette.” (25:09)
• YC Founders: “We’re making fun of the fact that YC founders do come out a little bit like animals... they’ve been holed up coding for months.” (27:46)
• Calendly Hot Takes: Sam’s viral diatribe against Calendly “personally drove most of their growth for a month” (49:26)
• Abundance Mindset: “Even if this is your one shot, show up with the calm of abundance.” (20:20)

5. Bonus Segments

AI Corner (69:28)

• Sam uses AI to aggregate newsletters into daily cartoons via lettermeme.com: “It’s the best way I get an overview… all these smart newsletters, but I don’t have time to read any of them.” (70:07)

Contrarian Corner (71:25)

• Sam’s contrarian take: “Venture capitalists investing in branded AI companies are going to lose an impossibly large amount of money.” He distinguishes between using AI as a tool versus claiming “AI is the business.”
• “I invest in businesses that use AI, not AI businesses.” (75:02)

6. Lightning Round Highlights

• Book Recommendations:

  • The Ancient City
  • Man’s Search for Meaning
  • Lessons from History by Will Durant (“most approachable, non-obvious book I love”) (76:35)
  • Area 51: An Uncensored History
  • The Fish That Ate the Whale, Last Kings of Shanghai

• TV/Film:

  • Landman (“I’m really into it... classic Texas/energy/Silicon Valley culture clash.”) (78:12)

• Product Recommendation:

  • June Date app – matches people based on their ChatGPT chat histories (“shockingly good description of who I actually am”) (80:12)

• Newsletter:

  • Sam’s newsletter: no sign up page, but you can email him or use his bot at wlesin.com (81:37)

• Motto:

  • “Carthage must burn.” (82:33)

• Podcasting Lessons:

  • “Weirdly useful, even without growth strategies... it’s not huge, but the people we care about listen. We’d do it if no one listened.” (83:40)

TL;DR – Sam’s Core Etiquette Philosophy (Summed Up, 69:06):

“The goal of all etiquette is essentially building trust and projecting genuine confidence. Always maintain an abundance mindset. Remember that you are worthy and have nothing to prove, and that it’s okay to ask questions and keep your heart rate low.”
— Lenny Rachitsky, reading Sam’s TLDR

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – “No one's being honest in teaching founders this… Don’t smell like shit.” (Sam)
• 07:10 – The Kleiner Perkins party and ‘Energizer bunny’ warning
• 09:41 – Etiquette rules: introductions & entering a room
• 13:53 – Technique: what to do when you forget someone’s name
• 18:21 – Conversation: ask, but don’t interrogate; ping pong principle
• 24:03 – Subtle fragrance and hygiene tips
• 30:16 – Dress: fit over brand
• 34:49 – Dining: don’t order the most expensive; tip policy
• 44:54 – Humor: use carefully and self-deprecate
• 49:26 – Calendly and scheduling etiquette rant
• 56:51 – Emojis in business emails
• 64:04 – Video call backgrounds and real-world meeting tips
• 67:00 – Irish goodbyes and low-key exits
• 69:06 – Etiquette TLDR/philosophy
• 70:07 – AI Corner: lettermeme.com
• 71:25 – Contrarian Corner: the risky future of ‘AI companies’

Closing Reflection

This episode is packed with candid, concrete advice (delivered with the right mix of humor and humility) on a topic that is often ignored—but potentially career-defining. Sam’s etiquette playbook isn’t about being fancy, but about codifying how to build trust and meaningful partnerships in a world that too often encourages founders to act like the rules don’t matter.

“If nothing else, remember: show up with a low heart rate, project self-confidence, and be generous. The rest will follow.”
— Sam Lessin (69:11)

Find Sam at:

• Venture firm: Slow Ventures
• Twitter/Instagram: @lessin
• Email: lessin@gmail.com
• More or Less podcast

Find Lenny at:

• lennyspodcast.com
• Newsletter

End of Summary