← Let's Be Honest with Kristin Cavallari
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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. This is, let's be Honest with Kristin Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality tv, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. Cause I got all the power. Yep. Hi guys. If you're watching, maybe you can see my shirt says your worst nightmare. You hate to see me coming after today's episode. No, I'm kidding. Today is gonna be hopefully a really informative, good episode. If you happen to be going through a divorce or you've been thinking about getting a divorce and you know you've made the decision. I think this episode is more geared towards the people who have made up their mind about getting a divorce. This is not for someone who is still deciding. I mean, well, it could, obviously it could be. And hopefully you do find this episode helpful if. Even if you haven't decided. But this is really for the people who have decided. Okay, I am getting a divorce now. What? And hopefully I'm catching you before you even tell your soon to be ex husband or wife that you want a divorce. Hopefully I'm getting you right as you've made the decision and now you're trying to figure out the next steps. How this came to be was one of my girlfriends has another friend who is going through a divorce and she was asking me questions, logistical questions, you know, like about lawyers and just things of that nature. And she said, you should do a podcast about divorce. And I was like, you know what, that's actually a really good idea because it is one of the scariest things you can go through. And depending on your situation, it can really bring out the worst in people. And it's incredibly unfortunate, but it's just the harsh reality. You will see the absolute worst. You will see a side of your soon to be ex spouse that you didn't even think was possible. Hopefully not. You know, obviously every situation is different, but there are those situations where it can get pretty brutal and it can be really time consuming and it can take a long time. My divorce took two and a half years to finalize and that was an extremely stressful time in my life. And I think the unknown is really scary and the power plays with attorneys and it's all just. It can be so shady and it can be just so stressful. So this is going to be the 10 things that I would tell my best friend to do before, during and after divorce. And these are in order. And they are just things that I don't know, maybe I wish someone would have told me. You know, it's like I've always sort of been the first one out of my friend group to do anything. So I was the first one to have babies. That was isolating in a lot of ways because I didn't have anyone else that I could talk to or lean on. I was the first one to get a divorce, you know, and so I didn't have anyone in my life who had been through a divorce other than my own mom. But I mean, of course this was, you know, so many years ago, like 30 years ago, and times have changed and her situation was very different than my situation. And so it's hard. It's just really hard. And it heightens everyone's emotions. And the craziest thing about a divorce to me is when you break up with someone, you break up and depending on if you, you know, block them on social media or you like really promise yourself you won't look at their page, whatever, you do not have to ever see this person ever again. You can make it so that you don't have to hear about this person, see this person, know anything about that person. You break up, you cut ties, that's it. But with a divorce, especially if you have kids, you don't get to do that. You don't get to just never hear or speak to this person ever again. And the hardest part is that even if you're the one who breaks up with someone or you're the one who calls off the divorce, it's still really emotional. And there's a period where it still takes for you to grieve that relationship and heal and move on from it. That doesn't happen overnight. Even if you don't love that person anymore, there's a time period of just adjusting to life and getting used to life without that person now in your day to day world. And so that's why I always think right after a breakup, going, no contact, really having nothing to do with this person is the best move. And that's not possible in a divorce. And that's why it's so hard. It's just so hard. Okay, so before you get a divorce, before you say to your spouse, hey, I'm not in love with you anymore, I want a divorce. Here's the two things you're going to do. The first one is you should consult an attorney before telling him anything. Knowledge reduces fear. And so I think already having a conversation with an attorney about expectations, what it's going to look like, it empowers you, because now you have some sort of an idea going into this about what it's going to look like, what it's going to entail, how long it's potentially going to take. I mean, I remember my divorce attorney right away told me she saw my divorce taking at least 18 months, and I was like, what? How? And then, of course, it ended up taking two and a half years. But she was trying to manage expectations, being like, this is not going to be resolved in three to four months, you know, and anytime I see those divorces, I'm like, God, you guys are so lucky. But. And obviously it depends on, you know, assets and what's on your balance sheet and everything. But if there's businesses involved, you know, that's where it gets really complicated. And so I think just arming yourself with knowledge is really important. And I don't know what the laws are in every state. Of course, I only really know Tennessee. But in Tennessee, when you contact a lawyer, you consult with an attorney, then your ex can't go for that same attorney. So let's say you have a meeting with an attorney. She's the best attorney in your city, but you don't end up using her. But because you already consulted with her, your ex can't use her. Look that up state to state, because again, I'm only sure that that's a law in Tennessee. And I'm not telling you to be shady. I'm just telling you if there's four incredible attorneys, okay, they might be worth contacting and having meetings with all four. I'm just saying knowledge is power. Blocking someone here or there is not the worst thing for you, okay? I'm for the girls. This is for the ladies. I'm trying to help out the lad. And I know that you could sit here and be like, there's no way that Robert would ever, you know, just try to get the best attorney to screw me over. You know, he loves me. Listen, I get it, and I really hope that that's the case. However, like I said, until you are in the middle of a divorce, you have no idea what this man is capable of and who he's going to become through the process. And so it is my job right now to. To just inform you of this knowledge and try to empower you as much as possible. And so if that means contacting four different attorneys, I'm just saying. Okay, the other thing you want to do before is you want to gather all of the information that you need. And speaking, it's kind. They kind of go hand in hand. You know, talking to an attorney, she's going to tell you, you know, she's probably going to ask you. He or she will ask you, you know, what kind of assets you have. And if you don't know, well, that's a problem. You need to know that everything that you guys have together, your finances, your assets, you need to know about debts. You need to have a really good understanding of your financial situation and what you guys own together and what's going to be on the table. During this divorce. You also want to make copies of documents that you might need. So again, this time period, before you go and tell him your meaning your husband, that you want to divorce, we're just gathering information. We just want to know as much as possible so that we aren't blindsided by anything and so that nothing surprises us. Right? Or we're left in the dark and we want to gather as much info as possible. Okay, so that's what you're going to do before you have the conversation of I want a divorce. Now, during the process, once you have that conversation, you should change all of your passwords, your passwords to everything. And again, you may say that Robert is not the type of guy to log into your Instagram or your email, but guess what? When people are hurt, they do things that they wouldn't normally do. And again, I just think it's better to be safe than sorry. And so, yes, you actually should change all of your passwords. You need to be changing your Venmo password, your Apple id. You need to turn off your location. Even if you guys are on really good terms getting a divorce. And again, people's emotions being heightened and people having a broken heart makes them do things they wouldn't normally do. And as soon as you guys are not living together, he's going to get curious about what you're doing. That's a natural thing for people to do. And so he's going to want to know if you're dating, if you're talking to anybody. And the way he's going to try to find out is by logging into your. Your social media. Venmo is. I think Venmo is so crazy how you can see everyone's transactions. I don't know why anyone would have that turned on you guys. To me, it's so crazy. I have all of mine private. Why would you want everyone seen that you owe Becky, your best friend, money for lunch? Like, that's a tracker in itself. So I would just, I would Try to keep everything really as private as possible. And another really important thing is, and this one is especially with kids, but I think any situation, you don't want to burn the house down on your way out, meaning what you say and do in this crucial time is going to live forever. So if you say mean things to your husband, he's going to remember that in the divorce proceedings. If you say nasty things to your husband in front of your kids, your kids are going to remember that. Kids remember this stuff. And so you just want to make sure that you are protecting your long term peace, not your short term ego. It's very easy to let our ego lead the way during a divorce. And, and again, when you know feelings are hurt, you're extra emotional. You know, this is a weird territory that you're in now. You know, everyone's trying to navigate it and figure out this new landscape that we're living in now. Ego is going to really try to be at the forefront and you're going to want to be right, you're going to want to prove a point. It's really important that you let that stuff go because I can tell you when it's all said and done, none of that matters. None of that heat of the moment stuff matters. What does matter is I'm really thinking about kids because I'm someone who, I think if it was just me and like an ex, right? And I don't know, I feel like I've grown a lot in the last few years, I probably wouldn't do this, but like I could see where maybe I'd be a little bit nastier if. And that's not my goal. That's not what I'm trying to say. I hope I'm never nasty. But like when I was younger anyways, I could be kind of mean sometimes when I didn't know how to just ask for what I wanted and if I wasn't getting somewhere with a man, I could, I could then get mean. I didn't know how to be vulnerable, so I would get mean instead. And I think when you have kids, it's just so important to act from your highest standard self and to do what is the best for the kids. Once you become a mom, I don't care what anyone's situation is. You have to do what's best for the kids. More times than not. We're all, we're not perfect. But during a divorce, the kids I, I can promise you, as someone who's been through a divorce, who has three kids who were somewhat Old enough to kind of remember things and understand. They remember. They remember the big things. Okay, guys, it's that time. Let's take a second. I want to talk to you about Upward, the dating app. Let's be honest, guys. Dating can feel really confusing. I think a lot of people genuinely want something real. They want commitment. They want a partner. But sometimes the way we're meeting people doesn't always line up with that goal. One thing I've learned is that clarity really is everything. And if you don't start on the same page, you end up trying to force alignment later. And that rarely works. That's why I love what Upward is doing. It's a dating app built around faith and shared values. So instead of figuring out three weeks in that you want completely different things, you're starting from a foundation of family integrity and commitment. And whether faith is a huge part of your daily life or just something that shaped how you see the world, Upward connects you with people who care about those same core principles. I'm at a place in my life where intention matters. If I'm dating someone, it's because I see potential. I'm not interested in wasting time. And depending on where you're at in your life, maybe you shouldn't be either. So if you're looking for something meaningful and you want to start from a place of alignment, download Upward and date with intention. Because when your values line up, everything else feels a lot safer, simpler. Upward. All right, let's take a second to talk about Wayfair. A little spring cleaning happening. You know, the weather's been nicer. It's making me want to organize. And now I'm really getting my backyard all dialed in because my pool is just actually a couple weeks away from being ready. And so I'm really paying attention to outdoor decor, even including pots and plants and all the things. That's why I'm so excited about Wayfair. Because they have everything under the sun that you would need, no matter what you're doing and no matter your budget. So if you are like me and you want to do a little spring refresh, or maybe you're just in the mood to organize everything, or, I don't know, maybe you want to upgrade your kids spaces. Wayfair is a great place to shop for desks and shelving and all of the little knickknacks that you would need to make your office feel like you. I'm also looking for just really cozy, comfy chairs at the moment for my kids. I turned my barn into a basketball court. So that's currently what is top of mind right now. And they have so many great things to choose from. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home this episode is brought to you by Taylor Farms. You know that feeling you get when you make a salad? Like you know, you're being really healthy. You're being a responsible adult? Well, with Taylor Farm's chopped salad kits, it's easy to get your salad together. They come in so many flavors. They have everything from sweet kale, Caesar, avocado, ranch, Mediterranean crunch. I love them all. They're super fresh, crisp, delicious, and the whole family actually loves them. And the best part is everything is ready to go in seconds. There's no chopping, slicing, or leaving half a cabbage in your fridge. It's fresh greens, yummy dressing and toppings, everything. 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That will never change, and that everything, you guys are safe, everyone is going to be okay. You know, this is just our new normal. But nothing changes how much we love you. That's what kids need. They don't need to know that Robert called you a slut or that Robert is already dating Kim down the street or, you know what I'm saying, Like, let kids be kids. Save the adult stuff for the adults. And listen, sometimes the other person may say things to the kids. And I think in those situations, I think. I think it's okay to defend yourself without trashing the other parents. I never think you should start it, but I think if they're starting it, I do think you should defend yourself. That's from my own personal experience with my parents and my divorce. And I don't think someone gets to just trash your name to your own kids without you being able to defend yourself. And I think there can be broader conversations of, you know, things like, you know, the people who feel the need to trash someone constantly is because they're threatened for whatever reason, or, you know, they're projecting, you know, whatever your. Your specific situation is. But I think it can be, you can defend yourself. Well, that's not true. You know, that. That didn't happen. And, you know, the people who feel the need to trash other people, it's usually from an insecurity or something's going on with them. It's typically about them and not the other person. You know, it could be more like that. Okay, so listen. And again, every situation is different. And I really hope that most people have a really amicable, easy split. But for the people who don't, I would recommend documenting everything. And this is if you're dealing with someone where there's drugs and alcohol, where there's narcissistic behavior, where there is negligence, where they're like, something's going on, okay, that makes you feel like you need to document. If everything is copacetic, things are fine. You probably don't need to document. But if there's any sort of foul play going on, I would recommend you document everything, and that means screenshotting, text messages, putting them in a file in your phone, sort of like a favorites file. But you can create different albums. Create an album so that it's easy access. Then when you need to reference it during your divorce, if that means you have to get a voice recorder and you have to record again, look up the laws state by state. Because I know in Tennessee you can record someone without their knowledge. California, you cannot. So you're gonna have to look up all the laws around this stuff. But if it's bad enough and you unfortunately have to record your kids sometimes telling you things, sometimes you have to do this because the law is funny, right? Like, even if there is some crazy behavior happening and you have proof, you can't just go and get your kids and that night everything is fine. There is a process to this stuff and it takes a long time. Even if there is alcohol abuse going on and the kids are scared, right? And the kids are calling you crying, you. You can't just go and pick them up. And that's a really shitty situation. And the. There needs to be something that happens with the law. Because if your kids call you crying and they're scared and they're upset and you go and pick them up, you're the one who can get in trouble for that. And again, maybe it's different state to state, I don't know. But my point is, it's just smart from the jump to document, because the more evidence you have, the stronger your case, the easier it's going to be for you to get your kids. If that's the goal, right? If there's a problem going on and, and that's the goal, is to get your kids, then I would just document everything. If they're being nasty to you. If, you know, it's. Unfortunately, it's just kind of is what it is. And you know, like, ring cameras can be beneficial sometimes. I know you can use those. But like all of that stuff, if it's like one thing, sometimes it's little, right? But then there's like a couple big things. Like I can tell you, though, when you're in the middle of a divorce, or by the way, this could also just be a custody thing. Maybe your divorce is final and now you're reopening up your custody case. But it all adds up, right? If you think something is maybe kind of minor, but then a couple big things happen, and then there's a couple more minor things, they all build a case. You're building a case and So I just think the more. More evidence you have, the better. I also think it's really important to give your ex as little information as possible. And your kids, too, unfortunately, because. And I'm thinking about a specific type of man, obviously. Right. You know, I hope you guys are kind of picking up on that. They will try to get information out of your kids as well. And so that's why instead of, you know, putting your kids in the middle of it, the kids don't need to know a whole lot. They don't really need to know what's going on with you the weekend that you don't have your kids. You know, they don't need to know who you're talking to. They don't need to know the trip you guys are going on in six months. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think during this period, while the divorce is still open, right, you're still actively in the process of getting a divorce. I just think as little information as possible that your ex has over you because they're going to want to know when you start dating, you know, he's going to want to know your whereabouts. And even if you guys are on good terms and you give him a little more information than maybe, you know, you have in the past or you should, but things are really good right now with you guys. He can use that. He can use that. I don't know. I just think, again, better to be safe than sorry. And it's not about you being a. It's not about you. You know, you can still be a nice, decent human being and interact and how are you, what's going on, you know, but just being vague, vague, no details. You know, I just think the less the better. Okay. I think it's really important during a divorce to have some sort of an outlet. And that's going to be different for everybody. But whether that's journaling, whether that's traditional therapy, hypnotherapy, or, you know, I also think it's really important to have a couple friends who you can talk to everything about. And I don't think it should be a lot. I think it should honestly be one to three people. During my divorce, it really was my mom. I talked to my mom a lot, Justin, and then big. So you guys all know. And that was it. You know, no one else needs to know details. Of course I have other friends and I would give them broad strokes, you know, big picture things. Every time I say broad strokes, I feel like such a douche. But I had a producer on one of my shows always say broad strokes, and now I say it all the time. Anyways, I just think it's really important to have even one person that you can talk to 500 times about the same thing. Because potentially this divorce could be like. Again, I said it earlier, but it's so stressful. It could be. I don't want to say traumatizing, but like, you guys, it can be this. A really bad divorce can be traumatizing, and it can really fuck you up for a while. And that's why it's so important that you get it out. You can't keep all of this in and hold it to yourself. Journaling saved my life during my divorce, and I'm pretty sure that's when I started hypnotherapy. I can't remember where in the timeline. Maybe it was right after my divorce, but, like, same world. And no, I think it was actually before my divorce was final. But it's just so important that you get this out. And that's why good friends are the best. Because, you know, I think about Justin and. And I've told you guys before, but anytime I was going through something, he would act as though it was happening to both of us. And that's empathy, and that's what you need. A friend during a divorce really needs empathy. And we've talked about it, but that's very different than sympathy. I don't want to hear that you're sorry for what I'm going through. I want you to listen and I want you to be like him. No, like, literally him. He doesn't get to do that. He doesn't get to do that to us. Like. Like as mad as I am. Right? And it's just really important to have to have someone. And if you don't have someone, write your ass off. And it's very different writing than typing. I don't know why, but they say the actual form of writing is really the release. Typing has a very different effect on, I think, the brain. And so I think movement is also really good because again, emotion that you can't get out, it just stays in your body and it harbors in your body and it can turn into ailments. And that's why it's really important to get emotion out. So if that means blasting music and dancing and like, quite literally, like flinging your arms with the intention of getting out the emotion, and you should cry, cry. This is not the time to be tough girl. This is not the time to act like nothing affects You. Okay parents, let's talk about Haya. Something that just drives me crazy is that our kids are the first generation growing up on ultra processed foods and the long term effects while we're just now beginning to really understand them. That's exactly why Haya exists. It gives parents a real solution in a market that's flooded with kids vitamins that prioritizes candy like appeal over actual nutrition. And not only do I love having peace of mind that my kids are getting the nutrients they need, but it also just shows up at your doorstep. Also, if getting your kids to eat vegetables feels like an impossible daily battle, well, Haya has kids daily greens plus superfoods and it's a total game changer. It's basically chocolate milk stuffed with veggies. It's a greens powder that's packed with 55 plus whole food sourced ingredients. 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It's about finding a life partner that you are truly meant to be with and are compatible with regardless of their age. Although some may walk away single, the goal is of course to walk away as a couple. Most dating shows cast people of similar age ranges. I love this show because as someone who has dated younger, you know, it's always a good question of is age really just a number? So. So this show is on Netflix. You can watch Age of attraction Wednesdays starting March 11, only on Netflix. All right guys. This episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. IQ Bar Protein Bars, IQ Mix Hydration Mixes and IQ Joe Mushroom Coffees are the delicious low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day. The Ultimate Sampler Pack is a great way to try all IQ Bar products and flavors. You get nine IQ Bars, eight IQ Mix Sticks and four IQ Joe Sticks. 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And actually, okay, that goes into my next one. So my next one is it's so important to take care of yourself. Like I said, this is going to be one of the most stressful things you'll ever go through. It's so hard on your body. That emotion is so hard on your body. Stress is hard on your body. And so prioritizing self care is really important. And so, you know, meditating is also another good. I don't know if I would call that an outlet. Well, I guess it is an outlet. I just look at them like I look at journaling. So writing slash journaling very differently than meditating, I think. I don't know. Actually I've had some pretty intense meditations where you really can get it out. I remember sitting on like one of those workout balls by my window with the sun beating down on me and I was just, I was meditating and I just started sobbing. Sobbing in the best way possible. I just think again, it's getting it out. It's so important to just get it out. It's important to prioritize sleep. And sleep might be different for you during a divorce. I know I went through a phase where I had to supplement with things to sleep and I really don't like taking, taking any sort of pharmaceutical. I don't think I took Ambien. Obviously, I've taken Ambien in my life. The only time I ever take an Ambien is when I'm doing international travel, if I have to sleep on a plane. But I really. I really hate pharmaceuticals. But melatonin I definitely was taking. I think, you know, I even tried some gummies. And, like, I just remember I could not sleep for a period. And. And, God, when you can't sleep, isn't that. Why is that the most stressful thing? You lay in bed and you sit there, and I know I'm always then counting how many hours. Now I'm only gonna get five hours. Now I'm only gonna get four hours, which then I, of course, just makes you stress out more. But when you're going through a divorce, I found. Anyways, you're thinking about everything, right? Like, you're thinking about all of the legal. And it's. You know, you. The unknown is scary. It just is. And you don't know what's gonna happen. And it can just. It's just stress is just so hard. And so if you have to take something to sleep, I think now is the time to do it. Like, even if you're against pharmaceuticals like me, that is a time where I think it's probably okay because you just don't wanna get yourself worked up even more than you already are. Eating well is important, you know, I think it's also really important to know that this is temporary. Even if it takes two and a half years like mine, there will be an end. There will be a day when it is finally final and you can close that chapter and you can move on. And even though in the midst of it, it's really hard to see, and it's. You just never think it's going to end. But it will. And so keep reminding yourself that it's temporary. And eventually you will get to the other side. I also think while you're going through all of this stuff legally, right. There is also the piece where you're trying to heal as well. You're trying to heal from this relationship that you had, this marriage that you had. And I think it's really important to give yourself grace, because healing isn't linear. And one day you can be great. You can feel free and you can be excited, and then the next day you can be really sad and you can be scared that you made the wrong decision. I think all of those emotions are perfectly normal, and it's okay. And I think allowing yourself to just be wherever you are and to sit in it is the most important thing and not race to get to the other side. Just know it's gonna be up and down and eventually you will be on the other side of it. And the other side really is beautiful. But until then it is gonna be some up and down and that just is what it is. And I think if there's a way to figure out how to sort of regulate your nervous system because during this period, I think, you know, being on edge a little bit, being stressed out, it's a lot easier to get triggered. And especially during a divorce, if your ex says something to you about the actual divorce, it could trigger you. Right. And I think probably there's a piece of that, that's it's fear based and I just think it's best to be the least emotional as possible. So I don't think that you should be a stone cold bitch. That's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying don't have a reaction, but I just think keeping your cards close to your chest and not reacting or being emotional in front of your ex anyways or with your lawyer. Well, I think actually with your lawyer it's okay. I think that's the time when it's just the two of that you that you can be. And obviously they've been through this a thousand times and they'll totally understand where you're at. And I think they can offer some advice when you're like that. But I just think try not to react to every little thing is going to go a long way. Because at the end of the day, most of the things you get really worked up about don't actually happen. And the things that you are scared about don't actually happen. And so I think it's reminding yourself, taking a deep breath, it's going to be okay. This is all going to work out exactly as it's supposed to. And he is saying and doing this to get under my skin and he wants a reaction. And so therefore I am not going to give him a reaction. It's those conversations with yourself. And by the way, if he leaves and you go and scream in a pillow and you, you know, are pissed and you have, you know, you react, then I think that's perfectly okay. I just think you want to stay calm in legal negotiations. So, so when it's in front of the judge, your ex, your ex's lawyer, those are the people you want to act calm, cool and collected in front of unbothered. Don't give a you Know, save your emotions for your friends, even your attorney, or, you know, get it out on paper, because now you're journaling a lot. All right, so the last two are sort of during and after. Okay. And they kind of go with the other ones, but after. Well, okay, I say can be during because if yours takes forever, like mine did, then this will go into the during piece. But don't rush to fill the void. And what I mean by that is, let's say you were together with someone for 10 years. This is a new world now, right? Being by yourself. And if you have kids, maybe now you don't have your kids 100% of the time. And so let's say you have every other weekend to yourself. That might feel really weird at first. It can also feel amazing, right? And you can be excited, but it's different. And it's learning to adjust to that. I remember. So I got a divorce in April. Well, we announced it April. We. I knew in March, right? We announced in April. I moved into my new house the end of May, but we weren't living together that whole time. We were like. I think we did, like, three days at the house, three days wherever. Three days at the house. Three days wherever. But when I finally moved into my house, I remember when the kids were with my ex. I remember going out on my front porch. I had these two swings on my front porch. I woke up, I had fashion magazines and a cup of coffee, and I sat out there on my front porch and it was quiet. And I remember feeling like I could just breathe. Like, oh, my God. Like. Like I just. Like my. It was like my nervous system was like, oh, my God. Like, my nervous system was like, ah, like melting into this swing. And I was really happy in that moment. And in the same breath, I really missed my kids. And I didn't know what was going on over there. And my point with that is it can be both things. It can be nice to have a minute, right? And to have your own new space now that you get to make yours and to have a quiet coffee by yourself. And you can be sad. And I think that's where the grace has to come in. And that's where I think sometimes the quiet. And maybe quiet equals loneliness for some people. But I think that's where it can get a little uncomfortable if you have little kids. Like my kids. This was six years ago, so my kids. How old are my kids? 13, 13, 11 and 10. So, you know, my kids were. Was that three, five and six. Is that right? Don't don't even know seven cam was seven. But so I didn't have quiet mornings like that, right? Like that's when they're still waking up early. Like it just, it's full on at those ages now, of course, where I'm at every weekend morning as a quiet morning because my kids sleep in. But at the time, that was a weird thing for me, right? Like I was getting used to it and it was really nice and it was also really sad. And so I just think, I just think. So that's where it can get, it can get interesting. Because maybe the first two weekends like that, you're loving it, it's really nice. And then after a month or so it feels weird, right? It starts to feel kind of weird. And that's where I think a lot of times people will then try to fill the void. And that can be with a number of things that could be with going out, dating, drinking, drugs, friends, what, like whatever it is, right? But that stillness and that quiet is where the healing happens. And that's where you actually get to meet yourself. Because now coming out of a marriage, whether it was five years or 20 years, there's going to be a piece of you that's meeting this new version of you for the first time and figuring out who this version is. Who are we now and who are we becoming? Who do I want to become? And when you're racing to fill the void and you're racing to get rid of the quiet and the stillness, I think you really miss out on growth and the true healing. I've told you guys a thousand times, but my divorce was the first time in my life that I told myself, I'm not running from this. I'm sitting in the sadness, I'm sitting in the quiet, I'm sitting in the grief. I'm sitting in all of it. Because I just knew that's where the healing is, that's the journey. And I'm so glad I did that. Oh my God, I can't imagine. And listen, I did in the very beginning, I did have fun and I did start dating right away. And I was, I felt this freedom that I hadn't felt in a really long time and it felt really good. And I actually think I did put off some of the healing for a minute. And instead it was just like, woo, we are turning up and we're having a good time. I needed that. I needed to blow off some steam. And that's okay. You should, you should go out and have fun and do what you need to do that is an outlet in itself. But then when the dust settled and things calmed, that's when the healing was. So I would say my real healing journey started like a year, year and a half after we initially split up. And so, but, but my point is I'm glad I didn't race through that and I'm glad that I didn't. I don't know. I'm glad I took the time to get quiet and be alone, to really be alone. I just think that's, that's where the beauty is. That's where the magic happens. Also, I don't think it's fair to anyone else to not be fully healed from your divorce to then get into a new relationship. I don't think that's fair to yourself. I don't think that's fair to the new guy. I, I just, I don't believe in going from one thing to the next. I just don't. And I know guys, I'm not to stereotype, but I think guys are really good at that. Right? Because I think a lot of guys want to, want to fill the void. They want to run from their emotion and so they just get someone new in. But I wouldn't want to be with a guy who is still processing his divorce and you know, thinking about his ex. Like, I want you to be 100% done with that relationship. Close that door. Door. I don't want her to still be any source of anger or of course not sadness. But by the way, if he's angry with his ex wife, he's still, she's still running his life. That's emotion. If, when you're indifferent with someone, when you're healed, when you've closed the door, you've moved on, they're not going to rile you up the same way that they did. So that's a good indicator if you're dating someone, someone who's newly divorced and they're still talking about their ex wife and it's like he's not over it. He hasn't fully closed that chapter. You want someone who can actually speak somewhat highly of their ex. Or maybe it's not highly, but maybe it's, you know, listen, things didn't work out. It. We were young, it was tumultuous, it was toxic, whatever it was. But, you know, I learned a lot and I will always respect her because she's the mother of my children. So something to that degree. You don't want a guy who's like that. She's the worst. I hate her, like, I don't know. I think that's a red flag. I really think that's a red flag. And by the way, your ex can be a piece of shit, but there's a difference between being like, they're an absolute piece of shit. Oh, my God, I hate them. Then, you know, listen, I learned a lot from that relationship, and I think I needed to do a lot of growth to figure out why I chose that person as well. Like, let's have some reflecting. Let's, like, learn from this stuff, okay? And then number 10, the last thing is take some deep breaths, because here's the thing. You get to do the things that you didn't do before, you know, if you have kids, especially so now as these kind of blend together. But now you have more alone time, right? You have more quiet time. So focus on the positives, because there. There's a lot of good that comes from that. And maybe it's something small as you get to walk around your house naked if you want. You know, like that in itself is freedom. Like, that's kind of nice, right? And you can stay out later than you used to. You can sleep in if, you know, if your body allows it. Once you're a mom, it's really hard to sleep in, but you can have a quiet cup of coffee on your front porch like I did, you know, you can FaceTime a guy you're talking to until 10pm like, you can do the things that you want to do. You can have a little mini spa day at any time of day, you know? So I think it's. It's important to focus on the positives, and you get to have some fun, whatever fun looks like for you. If fun means having girlfriends over to cook dinner, if fun means going out till 4am, if fun means now you can travel now you can go to a beach with a couple girlfriends for the weekend that your ex has your kids. You know, if fun means taking a painting class that you didn't have time to before, I think you get to refind yourself and you get to be you. And that's a really exciting good thing. And the other thing is divorce is sad. There's no doubt about it. Divorce is. It's so sad. And I think anyone who's divorced could tell you the thought of splitting up the family, I think is ultimately the hardest thing to wrap your head around. Like, it's not even the person that you miss, right? It's the family unit. I don't think that ever goes away. I don't think that ever changes. That's sad. For sure. That's sad. And that's okay for it to be sad, but it can also be. Divorce can also be a rebirth. You know, you can focus on you and what you want and who you are and who you're becoming. And, you know, you can ask yourself, what parts of yourself did you lose in your marriage and what are you excited to get back? Let go of any resentment because it's only doing you harm. I think instead of resentment, we should look at it as wisdom. Now you have more wisdom. And what can you take away to better yourself as a human? Don't do the blame game. I think I don't like ever being a victim of my life. For me, it's always been what's my takeaway from this situation so that I can better myself and so that I learn and I grow. Because ultimately, that's what it's about. And a divorce can be a huge opportunity for growth and to become a better person. Hopefully, you come out on the other side a better person. And I think it's a real opportunity, if you're a mom, to show up even as a better mom and be more present. Because especially now, if you lose them for a few days, a week or whatever it is, you know, you really. Now's the time then to be the best that you can. That's how I've always looked at it with my kids, is it's given me an opportunity to be an even better mom than I was before. And now that you have a little more time, you can take care of yourself more so that your cup is really full and you're feeling a little more fulfilled. So focus on the good things. Know you will get through it as hard as it is. And if you are going through a divorce, welcome to the club, baby. It's beautiful on the other side, you guys, I promise you. I promise you, if I could get through it and be really happy and, you know, my kids are good, like, everyone is okay. I think that's the most important piece of it. Just know that everyone is going to be okay. All right, I love you guys. I'll see you next week. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.