Kristen Cavallari (0:01)

The following podcast is a Dr. Media production. This is, let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavallari, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality tv, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing. What's going on, guys? Hi. Oh, it feels good to be back home. Just back in my normal routine, my normal life. I. I'm so excited to just be taping a regular podcast episode right now. I just got home from my tour, and you have to excuse me, because the second I got home, I got really sick. What do you know? I kind of knew that that was going to happen. The last two weeks of my life have been pure chaos in the best way possible. From filming my new show to being on my very first podcast tour. It was so much fun. It was a whirlwind. I blinked and it was over. And then I got home three days ago. And the day after I got home, I just. I. I got sick. I just. I knew it was going to happen because I was barely sleeping on the road. I'm like, I know. Like, I know I'm getting old when my circadian rhythm is so easily thrown off, and I just sleep. Like, if I don't go to bed around my normal time, like anywhere from 9 to 10, it's like, it backfires on me. I'm like a baby who's, like, overstimulated and just overtired. Where then, like, it's harder to get them to sleep. Where. If I don't go to sleep in that window, I am. I'm up. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I wake up really early, like 5. Even if I go to bed at midnight, was waking up at like, 5. And I think, too, coming off of these shows and having that adrenaline rush and that high, it was really hard for me then to fall asleep. The first show in Atlanta, I took melatonin, and we were in my hotel room filming. After the first show, I had a couple friends in town with me, and Justin was there, and we were filming, and I told them when we started the scene, I said, I just took melatonin. We have 30 minutes, because then I have to go to bed. And, like, halfway through this scene, I got loopy and I felt my Melatonin. I was like, you guys, I have to go to bed right now. And because I missed that little window, it backfired on me. It took me forever to fall asleep that night. And then in the morning, we had to wake up early and Go to the airport to go to Chicago. And that just sort of like set the tone for the whole week. I feel like where it was just really hard for me to fall asleep. My whole schedule was thrown off. I was waking up really, really early and I was just, I was, I was tired. And listen, this is not me complaining. I'm not bitching. Like, I knew that the last two weeks were going to be a lot. I knew they were going to be crazy. I knew I probably wasn't going to be sleeping very much. But I just know when I don't sleep, I get sick. That just. It is what it is. We were going non stop. And so as soon as I came home and I stopped is when I got sick. But I'll tell you what, thank God it happened when I got home. I'm really happy it didn't happen on the road. And I didn't have my kids the last couple of days. I get them back today. I'm taping this on a Monday and I can't wait to see them. But I, I was able to just lay in bed or sit on my couch and watch TV or movies, which I never get to do. So in a lot of ways it, it was good, I guess, you know, it forced me to just completely stop and just slow down. But anyways, I am feeling better though. By the way, I got an IV yesterday. Okay. So here's what I do when I get sick and I swear by it, I'm always better within like 24 hours or so. I got an IV yesterday, but as soon as I felt the sickness coming on, I always take. It's oil of oregano, wild oregano, these little pills. You can get them on Amazon, they're called oregano, oreganol. I have them on my counter. I'm looking at them right now. Those are great. And I've given them to my kids when they've been getting sick too. And they always, they always, always help. Do not take them on an empty stomach because it will like burn your whole stomach. And then also camu, camu, camu, camu, camu. I don't know if I'm saying that right, but it is like the most potent vitamin C that you can get. Crucial for. Makes them called MD Fense. I'm looking over, if you're watching. I'm looking at my counter because I have all this stuff on my counter because I'm still taking it. Those are always really great. And then that. So that is vitamin C. I also do a liquid vitamin C and then what else do I do? And I try to get an IV if I can and just really rest. And it always works, even for my kids, too. Methylene blue, too. I didn't feel like I needed it this time, but that always works really well, too. If you don't know what that is. Most people don't know what that is. Just look it up. It's interesting. Methylene blue. And I swear by it. I always give it to my kids, too. And it always helps. It always helps. But okay, that's not what this episode is about. But I do just like sharing my little hacks for you guys. But okay, so I wanted to walk you through the last two weeks, catch you up to speed, and also just really quickly. So all of the podcast, the podcast shows, the live shows will be podcast episodes. But what happens is my new show, Honestly Cavallaria, the headline tour, is premiering on E. June. It was supposed to be June 5th. I just heard June 4th, so stay tuned. It's gonna be one of those two dates, and then a week later it'll be on Peacock, and then the podcast episode will come out right after that. So like a week and a half after it airs on E. So those are coming, and those are all gonna be really fun. It was Kim Zolciak. It was Laguna Season 2 cast, Harry Jowsey. Cindy popped up in Chicago, and also Johnny. If you guys have listened to the other episodes, you've heard me talk about my very first boyfriend in Chicago, Johnny. He was coming to the show anyways in Chicago, and so I asked him if I could pull him up on stage, which I did, which we'll get to. And then in Boston, it was Camille Kostick to have, like, a Wags episode. Talk about Wags. And then the Southern Charm boys, Austin and Craig, which everyone went fucking crazy for. That was my personal favorite episode. It was just so much fun. And then ended with Nikki and Brie Garcia, AKA the Bella Twins, or I should say formerly known as the Bella Twins. So really fun episodes. I was, in fact, saving all of those besides Laguna and Harry, for the podcast tour specifically, just because I thought that they would be really fun with a live audience. And in fact, they were. So that was awesome. But let's start with two weeks ago when I started filming Honestly Cavalieri. So I. I personally cannot wait to see a rough cut of Honestly Cavalier. But I know that I'm going to be really excited for you guys to see it, because out of all the shows I've done, so this is my fourth Reality show. This one felt the most real real while filming it. And what I mean by that is usually when you're filming, doesn't matter who you're with, where you are, what's going on, producers are coming in, it feels like every two minutes and being like, okay, can we talk about this? Can we talk about that? And you never get into a real flow of a conversation because they're always interrupting it. And that's not like it just is what it is. It's just, you know, when you're filming a reality show, you're. You're still making a TV show. So reality is a very loose word. And, you know, you're on the clock. Everything is costing a lot of money. It's sort of like we need to get to our quote unquote story beats so that we know that we're getting what we need for the show and then we can move on. So this show was the one show I've done where they didn't do that. There wasn't a producer coming in every five seconds to tell us what to talk about. And maybe because this show was really about what was currently happening in my life, it was really documenting the podcast tour we started the week leading up to the tour. And so everything I was sort of naturally talking about anyways lent itself to the storyline because that's what we were doing. But that made it so much more fun to film. It felt really real. And even my showrunner, Ailey, and everyone at E. Actually too, or I should say NBC, everyone was like, just go, just film, just get whatever you're gonna get. And God, what a fun show. What a concept to have a reality show that actually felt real. I can't wait to see it. And I will say everyone that I filmed with leading up to going on the tour was just 100% themselves. Justin, of course, filmed. He was also on Very Cavalieri, so I wasn't surprised that he was himself. But I had a couple girlfriends on the show, my friends Casey and Jenny Lee, and they were 100% themselves. And it was really fun to film with them. And you guys. My kids filmed, so my kids are going to be on it a little bit, just obviously leading up to the tour. But no, that was the one thing with very capillary that my kids are the biggest part of my life. And them not being on Very Cavalieri really did a disservice to myself. I did a disservice to myself because if I can't show the biggest part of my life, well, now we're having to fill in all of these. These areas that would normally be my kids, and we're having to force storylines and we're having to basically make shit up. And I really regret that, to be honest, because it wasn't an accurate representation of what was going on. And I'm all about authenticity. And anytime in my career or my life that I've done something that hasn't been authentic, it really sticks with me and it really bugs me. And that was one thing that really bugged me, because as busy as I was, my kids were still my priority and I was still home every night making dinner. And I told the very Cavalieri producers that I wasn't filming at night. Like, I was home every day by four to be there when my kids got home from school and to make dinner and have a normal routine for my kids at night. And it didn't seem like that on the show. Anyways, whatever. We don't need to get into the whole very Cavalierian of. Of it all. But leading up to the tour, they. They would come over at 6am and they would get our normal morning routine of me making breakfast and packing their lunches and taking them to school. And even we'd be filming at home, you know, and my kids would come home from school and they'd run in and they would come on camera. And we had dinner one night with the kids on camera. And it was very much what really happens in my life. And I'm really excited for people to see that, to see how normal my life is, honestly. Obviously, the tour is not normal. You know, that was a very special week in my life. That's not a normal week for me, obviously, but leading up to. It was very normal. And my kids were so fun on camera. They were 100% themselves. I didn't know what to expect, you know, and I. I know with my experience, I was really nervous the first few times I filmed, and I just assumed that's sort of how everyone else would be, but my kids were so. So cute and just. Just themselves. And it was really sweet to see and they had fun filming and they liked it. And I don't know, it was a very. It was special for me to be able to share that with my kids because obviously reality TV has been such a big part of my life. And so to be able to have that little. That little piece with my kids was really fun. And I'm gonna see how it plays out in the edit. I'm. You will, of course, see my kids, but it's not gonna be. I don't want it to be this like blue blatant, just like, here are my kids. I still want. Well, how do I say that? I mean, I just, I would never want my kids to feel exposed or like I took advantage of them or. I don't know. I just think it's a really fine line with children and entertainment and media. Like in my career. I've just always wanted to keep them kids and I just never want them to feel used, quite honestly. But they were really excited about filming and because this is just like a little special and it's not a, you know, ongoing reality show, I felt like this was different. It was more just a cool experience to have together. And again, they wanted to. I mean, I wasn't like, you're filming. I asked them if they would be cool with it and they were all really excited about it and they had fun with it, you know. So I'm really excited for you guys to see that. Foreign okay, guys, let's talk really quickly about ynab. 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That's B O N C-H-A-R-G E.com honestly and use the coupon code honest to save 15%. Okay, I'm excited to talk to you guys about this one. This is a new one for the pod and it is Jolie. I think all of us, women and men can collectively agree that the money we have spent over the years on skin care beauty products just to battle issues like acne, damaged hair, eczema, your hair color changes a little bit rashes. But you guys, I just recently discovered that I was overlooking the most fundamental step, the water that I'm showering in. So Jolie is a beauty wellness company that purifies the water we shower in for better skin, hair and just overall well being. Jolie's filtered shower head is best in class for removing chlorine and heavy metals. Chlorine is added to our water system to disinfect it and kill bacteria. But chlorine is damaging to our hair and our skin and it's just fundamentally causing a lot of issues which Jolie fixes. Jolie's shower heads have a beautiful sleek design. It's the perfect combination of form and function. Jolie still gives strong water pressure and fits all showers as the plumbing pipe size is universal. Even the guy Cody who colors my hair a few months ago, before I started using this, he told me that I needed to get a filtered shower head because he could tell in my hair color that I wasn't using one. So. So I'm so happy to say that Jolie has changed that for me. And guys, Jolie will give you your best skin and hair guaranteed head to jolieskin co.com honest to try it out for yourself with free shipping. And if you don't like it, you can return your Jolie for a full refund within 60 days, no questions asked. Let's get into the tour. So looking back on it, had it just been the tour, I think I don't want to say it would be easy, but I think it would have been way more chill because during the day I would have been able to just lay in bed if I wanted to or work out, have a lazy lunch, you know, kind of do a face mask and just, just chill more. Where because I was filming a TV show on top of it, I couldn't necessarily do that. So they had us kind of, you know, like what did we do? Bopping around, you know, we did a workout class in Boston. One day they had us looking at Seaport in Boston, which I will say it was my idea because I wanted to go look at uncommon James spaces to potentially open up a store there. But that's the one thing with filming a show where everything has to sort of be like pre planned out because they have to get releases on these places. They have to get clearance from like the city or whatever store or whatever, whatever place we're going to. And that would have been a morning where I would have been like, I'm too fucking tired. I just want to lay in bed all day. But I, you know, I don't do or say those things because I guess I feel bad because there's a whole crew and everything was planned out and I also did want to see the area but so it just, it was a lot. It was a lot. It was constant movement. Constantly being on I think was the hard part for me too. I loved going on tour so much and I loved being able to connect with my audience and get to meet so many of you listeners. That for me was the best and to hear some of your guys stories and honestly, I mean what this podcast has done for you guys is so impactful. And I think while you guys feel like I've helped you in a lot of ways. I want you to know that when you guys tell me that stuff, that really, I'm getting emotional right now. That's what it's all about for me, because being able to hear firsthand that, you know, the things I've gone through in my life are. Helping some of you guys go through certain things in your life is, like, it does more for me than it does for you. I just want you to know that that's why I do this stuff, is because I've always said, if I can help one person, then that's enough. Like, that's good for me. And, you know, I sit in my living room or wherever I'm in. I sit in my kitchen, I don't even know, talking into a camera. And sometimes, I don't know. You know, I don't know if this stuff is resonating with people or not, but being able to be on the road and be out there with thousands and thousands of people and meet so many of you, and you guys all having a story really, like, really meant a lot. And I want you guys to know I really appreciate you sharing your stories with me, because that's the stuff that fuels me. And. And I think I'm actually getting emotional because it was such a. The tour was such a whirlwind, and I wasn't able to, like, stop and sit in it because of the TV show. And just, like, so many people around, you know, like, I had friends in every city. I had family in Chicago. Like, it was a lot. And then I came home and I got sick. And this is actually the first moment since the tour where I'm, like, processing it. It feels like. And it's so incredible. I've. I. I just. I felt so much gratitude on this tour that you guys came out and supported me, and I said it in on each show in my opening monologue. But, you know, you guys, as the listeners of this podcast, have really been with me every step of the way in my career, and you guys have made my entire career possible, and I'm really thankful for that. I'm really thankful for that. And being able to do this podcast tour was such a cool experience. It was something that I'll remember for the rest of my life. God, it was just incredible. And on a personal note, you guys, I. And again, if you were at the podcast tour, you've already heard this. But on a personal note, since I was in elementary school and I remember, if I had to get up in front of the Class and present something. I had such anxiety about it for weeks leading up to it. And I remember I couldn't sleep. Like, I just remember being in other classes, like, dreading going to this class. Like, I was so scared to get up in front of my class and speak. I've always had this debilitating fear of public speaking. So much so that it has made me turn down opportunities because I before did not have the confidence to get up and speak in front of a large group of people. And so being able to go out on a podcast tour and do what I did, I feel so accomplished. And I honestly feel like I accomplished my. My life's greatest fear. And that is such a great feeling. I really came home from this tour being like, I can do anything I put my mind to. Like, I can do anything in this life. And you guys, I mean this. If I can do that, we collectively can do anything. And I know a lot of people roll their eyes are like, yeah, right. A fear of public speaking. I will tell you right now, cameras have never made me nervous. That. That doesn't scare me. But you can tell if you go and watch the talk shows I've ever done, or, like, I can tell any talk show, because I. It was always, like, I was so scared to talk that I just said the first thing that came to my mind. I just tried to, like, spit it out and then, like, move on. Like, I never wanted to, like, tell a story or elaborate or, like, go into detail because I never liked when attention like that was on me. And my very first talk show was Jimmy Kimmel, and I sat on my hands the whole time because I thought my hands were going to shake. I've always done stuff to, like, distract myself, and I. I've seen, like, little clips that have popped up on TikTok of me on different talk shows. And I'm so uncomfortable watching them because I know how uncomfortable I am. And I think that's part of the reason why really dumb shit would come out of my mouth. But in the last few years, I've done a lot of speaking engagements. I have, but it's always if there's a moderator, I think for me. And again, I've turned down speaking engagements where they're like, we want you to just go out there and talk. I'm like, I can't do that. I can't go out and just talk. I need someone to ask me questions. And again, I think because my whole life, I've done in my whole life, but my whole adult life, since I Got on tv. I. I've done interviews where I'm used to being asked a question and then, okay, I can answer. And I've purposely put myself in those situations in the last few years to try to overcome this fear. But again, it was like, okay, I've done these speaking engagements and now I. I could go out there. I can go out there and do a moderated Q and A. I can do that now. So that. And thank God I've been doing that in the last few years because I do feel like that's sort of like prepped me then for this podcast tour. But I have to tell you guys, me going out on this podcast tour and doing like a 10 to 15 minute just monologue by myself out there is the scariest thing I've ever done. And I did it six times in front of thousands of people. And that is such a huge deal for me. And now I do feel like maybe I can do more speaking engagements because I've been able to do this now and, oh, it's just such a weight has been lifted off of me. And I just, I do, I feel really proud. I feel really proud of myself and I'm really, really happy that I was able to get out there and do it. So, again, yes, I have had this fear. Cameras are so different to me than just going out in front of a live audience. And even so much so, you guys, I have so much anxiety about speaking in front of people that even like, company things. I know I should be getting up in front of my company and I should be saying a few words. And I don't because it makes me so fucking nervous. And I need to get over that. You know, like, as a business owner, I need to get the fuck over that. I know that that'll be my next hurdle now that I have to overcome. And I think also that's more personal. Cause I know everybody personally. We're like a big audience. When there's a thousand people and you're looking out into it, a thousand person audience, there is a bit of a disconnect, I would say. But I did have people at every show, you know, family, friends. Like I said, that'll be my next hurdle. And I think for me, it's really about being super prepared. I practiced my monologue in my kitchen for a month. I would have my cue cards that I had on tour was the same ones for my Atlanta show. I wish I kept these ones. I kept my New York ones my last show. But what I did was I printed out my whole first show, the run of show, you know, my monologue, everything was on cue cards. And I would walk back and forth in my kitchen as though it was my very first show. And I rehearsed that like a motherfucker, man. So that I was really, really prepared. Because I just know myself, if I'm prepared, then, you know, I'm way more comfortable. It's when I'm unprepared that I just, I get really stressed out. So I, I did that and it paid off. I will say I was really nervous going out there, especially for Atlanta, but I'm really happy that I prepared the way that I did and for every show too. Like, I've just figured out what works for me to minimize any sort of stress. So I made sure that I was hair and makeup ready an hour before the show started. Every single show. And that was because I did. I hate when it's rushed. When I just, I needed a minute, I knew that I needed a minute before each show to just feel prepared and take it all in. And I'm really happy that I did that as well, especially with friends and stuff being there too. Cause then I could be ready, I could be dressed and then we could take some pictures, we could hang out for a little bit and then I could take, you know, 10 minutes before I went on stage and just like ground myself and, and that it just, it worked out perfectly. I always love talking to you guys about this ad, which is Symbiotica. Symbiotica simplifies your routine to keep up with healthy habits all year long. No matter what your goals are. They have products to support everything from your energy, digestion, immune system and mood. Their liquid travel sized packets are perfect for when you're on the go. It truly is the easiest thing you can do for your health. Symbiotica is as clean as it gets. They don't use any seed oils, preservatives or artificial junk. Just high quality, real ingredients that actually do something. 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Okay, let's take a second to talk about Nutrafol. I've been taking Nutrafol for going on a year now and you guys, I'm really, really happy to report that my hair is completely, completely different than it was just a couple short years ago. I had a lot of breakage years ago and it kind of rocked my world. And for years I was just trying to grow out the breakage, the layers and so finally I'm, I'm just so happy that I'm at a good place. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand trusted by over one and a half million people. See thicker, stronger, faster growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Neutrfol. Everyone's root causes of hair thinning are different. So a one size fits all approach to hair growth just doesn't cut it. 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You guys know I'm a health nut and I'm all about staying hydrated. Well, Gatorade hydration booster puts my water to work to help me do just that. You guys know I love electrolytes I'm always trying to get them in, especially when I'm working out, if I'm going in the sauna, traveling. I also love to have them with me. I love just throwing these Gatorade hydration booster packets in my bag, having one in my purse just anytime I leave the house. It's part of my routine. You know, you check for your keys, your wallet, your phone, and also my electrolytes. It's formulated specifically for all day, always on hydration. It has an advanced blend of electrolytes from watermelon, cedar salt and other sodium and potassium salts. It's packed with essential vitamins A, C, B3, B5, and B6. There are no artificial flavors, sweeteners, or added colors. You guys know I love that. So it helps keep you at your best no matter what the day throws at you. 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But I just, I didn't expect things to come up, emotional things to come up. And boy was I wrong. So. So Chicago was a very personal time for me because there were. Okay, so there were two shows in Chicago back to back. So a 7:00 show and a 9:30pm show. And in between the two shows, I did the meet and greet for both shows. So 200 people in between both shows. Okay, so that first show was the Laguna Season 2 cast. And that show ran really long and I didn't have a timestamp out on the stage. At other shows I had a clock so I could kind of gauge how much time it was. Chicago I didn't. But I've been doing this long enough. Obviously I know I can like sort of just naturally guess how long 30 minutes is or an hour or whatever. And I knew out on stage it was going way over. And in my head I'm going, fuck. Because I have to quickly change. I have to go meet 200 people and then I have to get mentally ready for this next show and like go into this next mode. Okay. So also, mind you, Chicago. I'm from Chicago. I used to live in Chicago. So I have my mom there. I have multiple cousins, I have a ton of friends. I have my ex sister in law. Like, I have a lot of people. Okay. In Chicago. So already it's just a lot for me. And I've been filming all day. I got no sleep the night before. I woke up really early. Okay, I'm just painting the picture for you guys. So Laguna Season 2 cast Talon, who I love so much, I think was kind of nervous and was drinking and on stage was kind of coming at me a little bit. It wasn't bad, you know, but like came at me a few times like right out of the gate too. And I'm gonna save what was said because it will be not only on the TV show, but it will of course be on the podcast as well. So I'm only going to say so much because I actually think this is going to be. It'll be a good TV show episode, but kind of coming at me a little bit. Okay. So I'm like, the fuck okay? But I can handle that. And now I'm racing to get to the next show. Okay, so now the next show is Harry Josie, who I just fudgeing adore. He is so much fun. He always makes for a good conversation and it's, it's a blast. Okay, so now I have Johnny come up and Johnny is my 8th grade boyfriend who I lost my virginity to. I've talked about him on the podcast. It was a very impactful relationship in my life and one that I've sort of held in this high regard all of these years and really looked at it as like being really sweet and loving and just, I've just always walked away with really good feelings about it. And mind you, leading up to it, Johnny and I had been talking. We reconnected and we were talking for a few weeks and you know, he asked me the questions beforehand because he doesn't do this stuff normally. I gave him the questions. I was like, I get it. Like, he's probably going to be nervous And I want to make him comfortable and set him up for success, essentially. Okay, so Johnny comes up on stage. I'm so excited, you know, and it was the complete opposite of how I had envisioned it going, because I felt like he was nervous. And so, because he was nervous, how he decided to channel that was to essentially give me a hard time and put me on blast. And it really threw me. It was not what I expected. I was really let down. And again, I'm not gonna tell you guys what was said, but you will see it. You will see it. And I was just. I was bummed. And so it was a very different person on stage from the person I had been talking to weeks leading up to it. And then the person who afterwards wanted to hang out and came up and gave me the biggest kiss on the cheek and was back to being so sweet and so kind. And what both of those instances did was stirred up a lot of emotion about the guys that I've chosen in my life. And, you know, I think talent on its own wouldn't have rocked my world, Johnny, on its own, I think I would have still been upset. Maybe not to the degree that I was also being tired and it just being a long day and, like, just giving so much energy, I was really upset. And what it did was it really made me. Well, I think what it did was it. It's made me realize how far I've come. And I'm talking specifically about guys, because for so many years, I guess starting in eighth grade, I didn't realize it started in eighth grade, but that makes sense that it did, because how I was with guys is because of my relationship with my dad. And my dad definitely feels like he is not good enough and that he sort of, like, put that on me and my brother, but put that on me growing up. And so I never felt like I was good enough either is really, like, the base of it, right? And I attracted men into my life through that lens. And I know now as an adult, looking back on all of my dating history, the reason I attracted all of these guys into my life was to instigate healing, which, you know, I've talked about it on the podcast a lot. I really didn't do until the last five years. Oh, my God. And you guys, little tangent last night. So I've had this journal that I started during my divorce, and periodically I'll go and write in it. It's not consistent whatsoever, but last night, I was reaching into my nightstand to turn on White Lotus. Okay. And I saw my Journal and I was like, oh, I should write a little entry. Just got home from my podcast tour, like this is a big deal. So I did, I wrote a little entry but then I went back and read it from when I started it. It was, I started April of 2020 and wow, was it cool to go back and read. The last five years has been, I've experienced the most growth. It's been the most crucial five years of my life personally. And it was very cool to go back and read some of this stuff. But I got to tell you, like, and there's been a shift in the last five years. I could even read it like going through my divorce and I met in my journal, I was like, I, I no longer wanna run from the pain. Like I wanna sit in this because I know the only way I'm gonna learn and grow is if I sit in what I'm going through in the sadness and the hurt in all of it. And I knew that I needed a shift in myself in order to attract different men. And while yes, I was aware of it during my divorce, it didn't really take effect until I would love to sit here and say, oh two years ago. I'm still going through it, you guys, I'm still. You know what, this podcast tour was actually a really good wake up call for me. This in Chicago I think was one of the final pieces for me to be like what the fuck are you doing? Because I'll tell you why. I think all of the men I've attracted into my life, ultimately the lesson that I've needed to learn is that is self love. I didn't have any. And I think that's been my, my, my point with like when everyone thinks I was so confident growing up, maybe I was confident, okay, I think but again I see it differently because I was so insecure. I think I was tough, but I wasn't confident. I had zero self love. I hated myself. And that's the difference. I was tough and I was tough because of my whole childhood and my whole life up until that point. It was sink or swim. I had to figure it out, right to survive. I was always in survival mode. So I was tough, but I wasn't confident. And every guy I've ever been with has been a reflection back to me of the fact that I need to learn self love. And Johnny and Talon made me go back and think about the men that I have attracted into my life and, and I've known all of this. But had I really loved myself, I wouldn't have put up with a lot of the shit that I did previously, and I do think it's gotten a lot better. But what I did on tour was it made me kind of go because, like, I've talked to guys, I've had guys, like, in the Peripheral for what right to. And like, I joke, I'm like, it's just passing time. But, like, for what? I'm enough. I love myself. And instead of giving that quote, unquote love to these, like, other random people, I'm going to just start giving it to myself. And so I was talking to a couple guys while I was on tour, and I decided I'm done, clean slate, I'm starting fresh, because they're not my future, you know? And I've decided I'm going to be really serious about who I let into my life now. Any of that that I was going to give to others, I'm going to start giving to myself. And I've realized too, I think it was like, I needed that dopamine hit. I think when you grow up in a toxic environment or you at least have one parent who is emotionally unavailable or inconsistent, you know, my dad's a narcissist. I've said it a thousand times that those go hand in hand with narcissism. And so I've looked for that dopamine hit and I. I don't know, I've just made me realize I just need to start pouring into myself instead of other people. And it's crazy because I did not think that my podcast tour was gonna be impactful in this way, but it was. And so I do think that's a good thing because I came home sort of. Well, I went through it on tour. I got really sad at one point. I cried the day after in Chicago talking to my friends, just because it was like. I just. I've never understood why the men in my life publicly have always wanted to, like, put me down. It's basically the gist of, like, what I was feeling. And that's been a really shitty feeling. But here's the thing that's not on them. It's on me. Because of, again, it's sort of what I just said. The stuff that I put up with and the men that I attracted into my life is because of me. People are always just going to be themselves. We have to decide what we're willing to put up with and what we're not, and that's based on how much we love ourselves. And I needed this tour and I needed these experiences to remind myself of this path that I'm on and where I want to be and to not fall back into old negative patterns and to also realize how far I have come, because I have. But again, I needed a reminder to stay the course, because even getting back on Raya, I was like, entertaining these conversations that were just for again. For what? For these little dopamine hits. I mean, I think now I'm going to just start pouring all of that back into myself. And again, when the right guy comes, he'll come, but I'm not going to worry about it. You know, I think also in order to attract, like the best guy that we want, I need to be the best version of me. We attract what we're putting out subconsciously. And if I still do feel this void of, like, not being enough or like searching for these little dopamine hits or like love from other places outside of myself, or then that's what I'm going to attract. It's all within ourselves. Everything we need is within ourselves. So that's what I'll be doing, is just pouring all of that love back into me. And so anyways, that it was hard. That was. It was. It was emotional dealing with Johnny in particular. But I'm happy that it happened because it's given me a lot more clarity on moving forward. So I am thankful for that. I also want you guys to know that when, honestly, Cavalieri sort of started and there was like all of the pre production calls and everything, you know, NBC. So NBC owns E and Peacock, so I'm going to refer to it as NBC. So NBC had a lot of opinions about who should be on the podcast tour. And I was listening and then all of a sudden it was like I woke up one day and I was like, what the fuck? Where are we? Who are these people? This is not my podcast tour. My podcast tour was supposed to be about people that I've been in the headlines with or people that have also been in the headlines who really understand that whole world, who have dealt with a lot of drama. That's Kim, that's the Bellas, you know, the Southern charm boys. I was in the headlines with Laguna cast. Obviously, like, we experienced a lot of storylines and all of that, you know, media frenzy together and. And all of a sudden NBC was throwing out all of these different names and different things, and I was just like, what? What's happening? And so much so that I threatened to quit that show. I said, listen, I'm not going to do this show. Then if this is what it's going to be. I'm. I'm more than happy to not do the show. And everyone was like, hang on, calm down. It's not that serious. Like, we can definitely. Not everyone. I think NBC and everyone was just so excited about it. They were, like, throwing out all of these names. But I've gotten to a place in my life where I want everything to be 100% authentic. Otherwise, I'm not going to do it. And I don't know. Anytime I do something that's not true to who I am, it just doesn't sit well with me. It. I always look back on it and I always wish I didn't do. It's like, feeling in my stomach. Stomach. It's just really going against what I believe and what I stand for. And. And I will tell you this. The one. The one show that I sort of caved on was the WAGS episode, which was Camille Acostic. And I love Camille so much. Camille is a fucking badass. She's one of the realest girls I know. And had it just been my podcast store, without a show, that's what the conversation would have been about. What a badass she is. Her positive message that she has for women. But it was a WAGS episode. And also, I was supposed to have another WAG on the show, but she dropped out last minute for a family emergency. And at that point, I was on tour, I'm filming a show. I couldn't then pivot, and, you know, just everything was locked in. It was what it was. But I walked off from stage that night feeling really deflated in a lot of ways, and feeling like. I don't know, I couldn't. I couldn't figure out why. I just was like, this was the worst one. Why was this one the worst? I just felt like I couldn't click in that whole night. And it wasn't until I think a day or two later I realized, oh, it's because I didn't even want to have the conversation of WAGS wives and girlfriends of athletes. Like, who gives a flying. My biggest thing, too, with WAGS is that they always try to diminish the women. To this day, sports fans try to diminish all of my success. They try to say that I basically just took Jay's money, which isn't fucking true at all. Like, I wasn't working our entire relationship. Like, I haven't been working since I was 18. They love to shit on the wives and the girlfriends. And Camille felt the exact same way, which I relate to. I get that. And instead it was a conversation about being a wife and a girlfriend. And I don't like that at all. I don't like that at all. And I do think it'll be a good episode. I'm not, you know, and I know we're all our own worst critics, but that was just another good reminder for me of do what's authentic to you. Like, we should all be doing what's authentic to us, because that's why we're all here, to be 100% ourselves, nobody else. We're not doing things for other people. Like, yes, of course. In our day to day lives, do we need to do some things for other people? Okay, yes, but I'm saying, like on the big, the big level of things, you know, like the bird's eye view of things, like, we need to be doing what makes us happy, what fuels our souls and what we want to be talking about. I have a podcast because I have that freedom to be able to talk about what I want to talk about. And that was the point of my podcast tour and that was the point of my reality show, was to just document this experience and finally do a real reality show. And that was the one thing. And again, listen, it could have been way worse. If that was the biggest thing that was. I'm not going to say fake. If that was the biggest thing that was contrived or. I don't even want to use the word manipulated. What's a better word, you guys? You know what I'm talking about though? If it was. If that was the one thing that was like, maybe a little where there were other opinions involved and it wasn't just what I wanted to do, fine, you know, that's. It still was a real conversation, but it's just interesting. My whole body feels different when I go against what I want to be doing. And so I guess my, my takeaway for, from that is I would encourage everyone to really pay attention to their gut, their body, like just everything. Like, how does your body feel when you're doing something that you don't necessarily want to be doing? Like, let's say stop people pleasing. Because at the end of the day, this is a form of people pleasing. Even on my part being like, okay, like, all right, I'm, you know, talking to a team of people now, from NBC to the production company. Like, all right, fine, yeah, I guess I'll talk about WAGs. It was a big part of my life. Like now all of a sudden, I'm like being Convinced to do something that I don't want to do. And so I think we should all start doing what we want to do. It's our fucking life. This is my life. This is my podcast where. This is my podcast. I want to do what I want to be doing. That's it. And that's what resonates ultimately with the audience, I think. I mean, I don't know. I think when we're 100% our authentic selves, it attracts the right people in the right people, the right audience, whatever it may be. So that's my message for today. This ended up being a very different. A very different podcast than I thought it was going to be. Well, similar, similar, but way more emotional than I thought. And also, I initially was planning on, like, just kind of running you guys through the tour, like the day to day, but I'm happy with where it took a turn today because again, this is me. This is how I'm feeling today. This is my emotions post tour. Like I said, this is the first time I've been able to actually, like, think about it and process it in live time with you guys. I'm thinking out loud. I do. I think out loud. Like, this is how I process things. And so who cares that my room wasn't ready in New York City and I was rushing to get to the theater, right? Like, who gives a fuck? This stuff is more important. And so, yeah, I mean, that's it, you guys, I. I really, again, just thank you to everyone who came out to support me on this tour and means the world to me that you guys listen. Every week it. I'll never take this for granted. This will never be lost on me how far lucky I am that I get to call this work. Honestly, I feel really, really lucky and I'm like, really grateful. And I hope you guys can see that these are happy tears. I promise. This is all really, it's just great. I feel very. I feel very humbled. This experience really humbled me and it was emotional. But I love you guys so much. And yeah, I'm excited to share all the, like, behind the scenes too with you guys from the show. So again, the show is going to premiere early June. I'll keep you guys posted on that. And then also the podcasts will start to roll out in June as well, so you'll get to see it all. And I just love you guys so much. As always, thank you so much for tuning in. I will see you next week.