Why do love and hurt travel together?

In Episode 4 of Real Love Ready, Robin sits down with Vanessa Bennett, author, licensed holistic psychotherapist, codependency coach, and depth psychologist. She is the author of The Motherhood Myth, and co-author of It's Not Me, It's You (with her husband, therapist John Kim).

Her work is built on a belief that most of us are not ready to hear: that the people hurting us in our relationships are often holding up a mirror. And that the most powerful thing we can do is look into it.

We have a whole cultural vocabulary around toxic relationships, red flags, and narcissism. What we don't have is enough honest conversation about our part in the patterns we keep repeating. That's what this episode is for.

Honest, direct, and genuinely compassionate, this conversation covers shadow work, codependency, projection, and how understanding why we hurt and how we heal, is how we learn to love better.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/loveready.

QUOTES

"Everywhere you go, there you are. You're going to continue to show up and entertain these toxic relationships. So, until we really say, okay, they acted in narcissistic ways. How did I act in narcissistic ways? They were toxic because of this. How was I toxic too? Those are the conversations that actually start to turn the needle in behavior change." — Vanessa Bennett
"I do think that deep, intimate love can be difficult. If you really want to go there, it's going to take work…mostly because we are confronted with ourselves. That's the hard work. Having to see ourselves and having to actually decide if we're going to do the work on ourselves that's required to have real, intimate love." — Vanessa Bennett

“Love to me feels like a mirror. A compassionate mirror, but a mirror nonetheless. And love to me, a lot of times, means accountability. It's accountability to myself. It's accountability to others. It's accountability to that part of me that's striving to be the best version of myself." — Vanessa Bennett

"I don't think it's possible for somebody else to build that sense of safety in us. We need to build our own internal safety…Because ultimately, what that means is, it actually doesn't matter what he's doing. Because I'm safe, I've got me." — Vanessa Bennett

ABOUT THE GUEST

Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, is a licensed depth psychotherapist, author, and facilitator known for her no-nonsense yet compassionate approach to healing. She is the author of The Motherhood Myth and coauthor of It’s Not Me, It’s You.
A former New Yorker turned Angelino now practicing internationally, Vanessa leads transformational retreats and workshops rooted in Jungian and depth-oriented psychology. She is the founder of Inner Compass Academy, a depth-based training and coaching program, and hosts the Inner Compass Podcast. Through her writing and teaching, she supports both personal and collective healing—helping people break generational patterns and awaken to the ways harmful social systems shape their lives, so they can reclaim agency and live less from conditioning, and more from choice.

Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/vanessasbennett/

Website: https://vanessabennett.com

Substack: https://substack.com/@itsvanessabennett

Inner Compass Academy: https://www.vanessabennett.com/inner-compass-academy

GET THE REAL LOVE READY BOOK

Real Love Ready: A Guide to Relational Literacy is a clear, compassionate guide to the knowledge, skills, and daily practices that help us love with greater intention, truth, and heart.

https://geni.us/RealLoveReadyBook

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