We All Fall Down | 2

Summary

Liberty Lost: Episode 2 – "We All Fall Down"

In the second episode of Wondery’s gripping series Liberty Lost, "We All Fall Down," host and reporter T. J. Raphael delves deeper into the harrowing experiences of young women confined within the Liberty Godparent Home, a facility affiliated with Liberty University. This episode unravels personal narratives, institutional practices, and the broader socio-political landscape that has allowed such maternity homes to resurface in post-Roe America.

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Introduction to the Liberty Godparent Home

The episode opens with the poignant arrival of Abby, a 17-year-old who becomes pregnant at 16. Transported over 200 miles away from her hometown to the Liberty Godparent Home, Abby's initial impressions set the tone for the strict environment she is about to endure.

[00:44] Abby: "I first walked past this living room area that's got one very old, like retro 80s bulbous TV that looked dusty and unused."

Raphael paints a vivid picture of the home's austere atmosphere—dark carpeting, uninviting décor, and an overwhelming sense of control. The facility enforces rigid schedules and stringent rules that leave little room for personal freedom.

[01:44] Abby: "I'm being told what time we need to be out of our rooms in the morning, what period of time in the morning we're allowed to be in the kitchen making ourselves food, what type of food we're allowed to make for ourselves."

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Historical Context: Jerry Falwell and the Rise of Anti-Abortion Movements

Raphael provides a comprehensive background on Jerry Falwell, elucidating his pivotal role in transforming evangelical priorities from combating racial integration to spearheading the anti-abortion movement. Initially supportive of abortion in specific circumstances, Falwell leveraged the Roe v. Wade decision as a catalyst to galvanize his base around a newfound wedge issue.

[08:52] Jerry Falwell: "And so we have the judiciary interfering with the family. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church."

This strategic shift not only bolstered the evangelical movement but also facilitated the establishment of facilities like the Liberty Godparent Home, aimed at providing "better" alternatives for unwed mothers outside the realm of abortion.

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Personal Stories: Tony and Zoe's Journey

The episode spotlights Tony Popham and Zoe Shaw, two young women whose lives intertwine within the confines of the Godparent Home. Both faced tumultuous family situations that led them to seek refuge in the facility.

Tony's Experience

Tony's parents' divorce precipitated her placement at the home. Struggling with her new family dynamics, she found solace in the camaraderie of other girls until her pregnancy led her to seek assistance.

[12:42] Toni: "It's just. It did not feel right for me."

Disheartened by her mother's betrayal and the conditional support offered by the facility's adoption agency, Tony grapples with feelings of abandonment and shame.

Zoe's Struggle

Zoe, a 15-year-old who becomes pregnant, reflects on the immense pressure to meet her parents' expectations and the subsequent betrayal upon learning of the home’s true intentions.

[14:22] Zoe: "To go to college. I was supposed to get a scholarship, and I was supposed to, you know, run track and succeed and do all these things that my parents expected me to do."

Her attempted abortion, thwarted by a nurse's intervention, marks a turning point that leads her back to the home, where she confronts the bleak reality of her options.

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Institutional Practices and Psychological Impact

Inside the Liberty Godparent Home, the girls are subjected to an array of restrictive policies designed to limit their autonomy and enforce compliance. Raphael details these measures, emphasizing the psychological toll they take on the residents.

• Regulated Communication: Girls are limited to two 30-minute phone calls per week, controlled by their parents and the home’s administration.

[23:11] Abby: "I was given two 30 minute phone calls a week that my parents got to decide who I was allowed to talk to."

• Controlled Environment: Strict dress codes, limited access to media (only Christian-approved content), and mandatory household chores regardless of the girls' physical or emotional state.

• Isolation and Punishment: Non-compliance results in isolation, and attempts to escape are met with threats of police involvement.

These oppressive conditions foster an environment of fear, shame, and disempowerment, leaving the girls feeling isolated and hopeless.

[17:57] Toni: "I can't even be loved by God, so who else is gonna love me?"

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Counseling and Resilience: Abby's Fight for Her Baby

Amidst the suffocating rules, Abby strives to retain custody of her unborn son. Regular counseling sessions, however, prove largely ineffective, as counselors often display impatience and a lack of empathy.

[32:25] Abby: "I don't want to lose my baby. I don't want this adoption."

Despite systemic barriers and frequent cancellations of her appointments, Abby remains determined to navigate the convoluted adoption process in hopes of keeping her child. Her journey underscores a critical aspect of the home’s operations: the illusion of choice that ultimately funnels the girls toward adoption.

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Nathan's Parallel Journey and the Tragic Disconnect

Parallel to Abby’s story is Nathan, Abby’s partner, who remains in North Carolina, unaware of her placement in the Godparent Home. Nathan’s unwavering faith and desperate attempts to reconnect highlight the rupture caused by institutional secrecy.

[38:32] Nathan's Voice: "I sat with my phone plugged into the wall for days and days and days. Wouldn't go to work, wouldn't do anything. Just to make sure that I wouldn't miss her call."

Nathan’s eventual discovery that Abby has been coerced into placing their baby for adoption culminates in his emotional turmoil and determination to reclaim his parental rights, setting the stage for further conflict.

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Conclusion: The Perpetuation of Control and the Battle for Autonomy

"We All Fall Down" meticulously exposes the mechanisms through which the Liberty Godparent Home exerts control over pregnant teens, stripping them of agency and channeling them towards predetermined outcomes aligned with specific ideological agendas. Through the intertwined stories of Abby, Tony, Zoe, and Nathan, Raphael illuminates the profound personal and emotional consequences of such institutions.

The episode serves as a stark reminder of the lingering presence of coercive maternity homes in modern America, challenging listeners to reconsider the intersection of faith, politics, and personal freedoms.

[24:27] Abby: "We weren't allowed to talk with our girlfriends about our pregnancies. That was hard for them to control, but they tried very hard and it definitely sowed a sense of fear into all of us."

As Abby’s struggle continues, the narrative underscores a broader societal issue: the commodification of women's bodies and the ethical implications of institutional control over reproductive choices.

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Notable Quotes:

• Abby on her first impressions:

  "[00:44] Abby: 'I first walked past this living room area that's got one very old, like retro 80s bulbous TV that looked dusty and unused.'"

• Jerry Falwell on the judiciary and family:

  "[08:52] Jerry Falwell: 'And so we have the judiciary interfering with the family. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.'"

• Tony on feeling unloved:

  "[17:57] Toni: 'I can't even be loved by God, so who else is gonna love me?'"

• Nathan's despair:

  "[39:34] Nathan's Voice: 'I was just trying to, like, respect her by giving her space and. And respecting them in hopes they could see that I wasn't this, like, deviant person.'"

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Liberty Lost continues to unravel these complex and emotionally charged stories, offering listeners an unflinching look into the lives of young women battling institutionalized oppression. Episode 2, "We All Fall Down," lays a compelling foundation for understanding the systemic forces at play and the personal resilience of those who dare to resist.

Transcript

[TJ Raphael]

Wondery subscribers can binge all episodes of Liberty Lost early and ad free. Join Wondery in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Abby is 17 years old and three months pregnant. She's standing in the foyer of the Liberty godparent home, more than 200 miles away from where she grew up. A staffer comes to get her and says, follow me. It's time to see where she's going to spend the next six months.

[Abby]

And I first walked past this living room area that's got one very old, like retro 80s bulbous TV that looked dusty and unused.

[TJ Raphael]

The room has dark blue carpeting and some art that looks like it's from an office supply store.

[Abby]

It was very dark. I just remember that feeling. Just dark, scary, unfamiliar. What memories exist in this room?

[TJ Raphael]

Down the hall, past the living room, are five bedrooms, each with two to three narrow beds. The bedrooms are painted bright, bright colors. Lots of hot pinks, teal blues and purples. But all the walls are completely bare. No boy band posters, no photos of friends or family. The staffer says the girls shouldn't get too comfortable. And every new room they enter comes with more rules.

[Abby]

I'm being told what time we need to be out of our rooms in the morning, what period of time in the morning we're allowed to be in the kitchen making ourselves food, what type of food we're allowed to make for ourselves.

[TJ Raphael]

When Abby asks to use the bathroom, she gets even more rules to memorize.

[Abby]

If you live on this side of the hallway, you have access to this bathroom. If you're on this side of the hallway, you have access to this bathroom. And doors are always wide open. If you're found out to be the reason that the door got shut, you get a demerit.

[TJ Raphael]

Abby obediently leaves the door open. At least she can still close the bathroom stall when she gets out.

[Abby]

I washed my hands and I used the towels and I threw the towel in what looked like the towel receptacle where you put them to do laundry.

[TJ Raphael]

She rushes out to continue the tour and is led upstairs to the schoolroom. There's a large whiteboard, an even larger American flag, three fluorescent lights and no windows.

[Abby]

And that's where we would do our school every day.

[TJ Raphael]

When the tour ends, afternoon chores begin. Abby gets laundry duty. The house mother brings her a basket of laundry from the bathroom, like she.

[House Mother]

Was going to show me how to start a load or something. And all of a sudden she goes, who did this?

[TJ Raphael]

The house mother holds up the towel that Abby used earlier to dry her Hands. And then she calls all the girls together and demands an explanation.

[House Mother]

And everyone's silent. And my gut just sinks. And I'm like, you know, you're trying to piece together what could possibly be wrong. And I pretty quickly speak up like, it was me. And she just was mad. She was like, did no one tell you that you're not allowed to use this? And I'm just like, what? I no. She used it as the opportunity to go on and on about their demerit system and punishment. I got the vibe that she was the type of person who was very disciplinarian. Like, there was just no warmth. There was just a really unkind, like, energy from her.

[TJ Raphael]

While the house mother goes on and on, none of the other girls say a word. They have this look on their faces that Abby's been noticing since she arrived.

[Abby]

We're making awkward eye contact, looking at each other like we're sad for each other. I saw sadness in their eyes for me, too. And I think that's the way it was every time a new girl came.

[TJ Raphael]

For the next six months, every moment of Abby's daily life will be dictated by the godparent home's rules. Inside these walls, you don't get the luxury of choice. After sitting in such a disgraceful way, it's time. Time to learn perfect obedience and get right with God.

[Sponsor]

This episode is brought to you by Audible. In today's complex world, we all need stories that help make sense of what's happening around us. That's where Audible comes in. With audiobooks and exclusive content that can open our eyes to new perspectives and hidden truths. Want to learn more? New members can try audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com libertylost or text Liberty Lost to 500. 500.

[TJ Raphael]

From Wondery. I'm TJ Raphael, and this is Liberty Lost.

[Sponsor]

Quiet now, my darling.

[TJ Raphael]

Morning'S drawing close I'll sing until the sun comes up.

[Sponsor]

Then I'll have to go.

[TJ Raphael]

This is episode two, We All Fall Down. She didn't know it at the time, but when Abby entered Liberty God Parent Home, she joined an American sisterhood of girls who were sent away. During the Baby Scoop era, society shamed unwed mothers. They were told they couldn't raise a child on their own, and they were sent to homes where they wouldn't get the choice to.

[Jerry Falwell]

80% of girls in the homes for unwed mothers surrender their babies.

[TJ Raphael]

This was the American way for 30 years until the country started changing the birth control pill, the fight for women's rights, and the roe v. Wade decision gave women more power to determine when and if they had babies. And as divorce became more socially acceptable, the stigma around single motherhood began to shrink. So by the mid-1970s, maternity homes across the country began closing their doors. They might have stayed lost to history forever, save for one man who was determined to bring them back.

[Jerry Falwell]

Will we stop murdering our unborn? Will we not choose a better way? That is what the Liberty godparent home is offering to America. A better way.

[TJ Raphael]

You might be surprised to learn that before the mid-1970s, evangelical Christian leaders like Reverend Jerry Falwell didn't talk that much about abortion. In fact, many Southern Baptist pastors actually supported abortion in cases of rape, incest and maternal health. The flagship issue for most evangelical leaders, the one that kept them up at night, was how to put a stop to racial integration. Falwell devoted many sermons to the issue, though most of them have since been scrubbed from history. We asked an actor to read some lines from one of the few sermons we could find.

[Jerry Falwell]

We see the devil himself behind it. What will integration of the races do to us? It will destroy our race eventually.

[TJ Raphael]

But by the 1970s, Falwell and his fellow evangelicals had failed to stop the forward march of racial integration. So they needed a new issue, one that could energize their base and give white Christian men another way to hold on to power. Even though evangelicals hadn't historically been anti abortion, Roe v. Wade gave Falwell the wedge issue he'd been looking for. He could paint the ruling as a threat to a husband's authority. Here's Falwell talking about that himself.

[Jerry Falwell]

And so we have the judiciary interfering with the family. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.

[TJ Raphael]

And he'd go on to turn abortion into a powerful symbol of all the ways American culture was straying from traditional Christian values.

[Jerry Falwell]

We ushered in moral permissiveness. We ushered in a 40% divorce rate, the live in arrangement, the homosexual lifestyle. And the Supreme Court in 1972 ruled that the unborn are not human beings. And I think it's the national sin of Americans. And there's a God in heaven who's angry at a society that's not doing something about it.

[TJ Raphael]

Falwell's rhetoric worked. In less than a generation. The anti abortion movement as we know it today was born. But that wasn't enough to overturn Roe, at least at that time. If Falwell really wanted to end abortion, he had to show all of America that there could be better options. To do that, he'd need to play the long game. And the liberty godparent home would be his opening move.

[Jerry Falwell]

We take in little teenage girls who are pregnant, unmarried, giving them an option, an alternative to abortion. It's called life.

[TJ Raphael]

Falwell cut the ribbon on the godparent home in 1982 with a vision of more to come.

[Jerry Falwell]

We have a dream. We want to start 10,000 of these homes and believe it or not, 8,000 pastors and churches are waiting for us to come to them now. It's a better way.

[TJ Raphael]

But to arrive at that better way, Falwell first needed pregnant girls to walk through the door. So he turned to his own followers.

[Jerry Falwell]

If you'd call our toll free number to save a baby home, it's on the screen right now. If you're in trouble, maybe a mom or dad with a daughter who's in trouble. God loves you. God loves your daughter. Not one girl has ever come through this home and left here without knowing Christ as her personal savior.

[TJ Raphael]

By the mid-1980s, Falwell claimed that the godparent home had helped more than 20, 20,000 pregnant girls. And a few years later, Tony Popham would find herself walking through its doors. When Toni's parents got divorced, her life started to change very quickly. Her mom remarried and sent Toni and her brother to live with her dad. Her stepmom didn't hide her feelings about taking in more kids.

[Toni]

She told us from the beginning she didn't want us around. So we were told to leave the house in the morning and not come back until he came home from work.

[TJ Raphael]

This was the early 90s, so Tony and her brother found plenty of other latchkey kids who were also killing time. They rode their bikes in packs around their suburban development in St. Louis. Toni would pull back her waist length blonde hair with a barrette. She wore the 90s kids uniform of loose jeans and a T shirt. It was easy to make friends.

[Toni]

I'm kind of an open book. I just would talk to everybody.

[TJ Raphael]

And she started hanging out with one of the neighborhood boys, this kid who was 13.

[Toni]

And then I would start sneaking out at night to hang out with him. And so we just started exploring and then one thing led to another. So I was actually 12 when I got pregnant and turned 13 shortly after.

[TJ Raphael]

A lot of the grownups around Toni told her that she needed to get an abortion. But that wasn't what she wanted.

[Toni]

It's just. It did not feel right for me.

[TJ Raphael]

So she went to her mom A pro life fundamentalist Christian. And her mom told Toni the words she needed to hear. She said, okay, come stay with us. We'll figure this out together. But two weeks later, after Toni had moved back in, she told me she.

[Toni]

Spoke with her pastor. And this was a home run by Jerry Falwell, and they have an adoption agency and they can support me in placing the baby for adoption. And I felt. I felt betrayed because she told me that she would help me and take care of me and we'd figure it out. And I was like, this is not helping me. And figuring it out, this is like, you're very ashamed of me and want me gone.

[TJ Raphael]

Zoe Shaw was also on a path to the godparent home. Eventually, she would become Tony's roommate. At around the same time as Tony's mom was talking to her pastor, Zoe was in the back of an abortion clinic in Maryland. A nurse has just given her a sedative. She lies back on the exam table. Zoe had always tried so hard to do everything right. This was not supposed to be her life. Getting pregnant at 15, I was supposed.

[Zoe]

To go to college. I was supposed to get a scholarship, and I was supposed to, you know, run track and succeed and do all these things that my parents expected me to do.

[TJ Raphael]

Zoe came from a family of strict Christian fundamentalists, and they were one of the only black families in town.

[Zoe]

My parents were very concerned about what other people would think and what we would look like in the community. We're gonna kind of teach them, educate them, prove them wrong. You know, the way people thought of you is just very, very important.

[TJ Raphael]

So without telling her parents, Zoe made an appointment for an abortion. She ditched school, something she'd never done before. And her boyfriend Vinnie drove her to the clinic. She was in the room sedated, when the doctor said, this baby is a little further along, but I can still do the procedure.

[Zoe]

And something just clicked in me. And I literally just at that moment felt like I just needed to fight and get out of there. And the doctor was very irritated with me, and he was just like, let her go. And he said, but if you come back here, I'm not going to treat you. And I literally ran out of that room holding my socks and my shoes in my hand and ran into the lobby. And Benny looked at me like, wide eyed, like, is it done? I'm like, no, I'm not doing it. And we left together, and we went to Pizza Hut and ate pizza. I think we just kind of sat there like these little kids because we didn't know what to do.

[TJ Raphael]

Zoe couldn't face telling her mom. For the next couple months, she hid her body under baggy clothes. By the time her parents found out, she was close to showing. If Zoe's mom was going to prevent a situation where everyone knew she needed to find a solution quick.

[Zoe]

And I believe that's when she introduced the idea of going to a maternity home.

[TJ Raphael]

She didn't have to look far to find one. She'd been watching Jerry Falwell for years.

[Zoe]

I remember seeing these little golden shoes that I guess they would send to her when she sent them.

[Jerry Falwell]

Money to help save one child from abortion cost us about $400. Will you become a Liberty godparent? Hundreds have joined, and every one of them, we've sent them this beautiful little bronze baby shoe that simply says, you're one of our godparents. A Liberty godparent.

[TJ Raphael]

By January of 1991, Zoe and Tony became roommates at the godparent home where Falwell promised his followers that their daughters would find redemption and that their babies would go to the right kinds of homes.

[Jerry Falwell]

Adoptive parents, they must be born again, committed, dedicated Christian young people who love God and who really will train that child up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

[TJ Raphael]

It was a religious spin on the same idea that guided the Baby Scoop era. The babies of unwed women needed to go to mothers who were more deserving. And the godparent home seemed to be following a playbook that was ripped straight from the 1960s.

[Zoe]

I definitely felt that Scarlet Letter kind of feeling.

[Toni]

I can't even be loved by God, so who else is gonna love me?

[Abby]

I just remember being so flooded with fear and shame.

[TJ Raphael]

The godparent home was ready to tap into those feelings to meet their goals.

[Sponsor]

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[TJ Raphael]

Why are there ridges on Reese's peanut butter cups? Probably so they never slip from her hands. Could you imagine I'd lose it? Luckily, Reese has thought about that.

[Jerry Falwell]

Wonder what else they think about.

[TJ Raphael]

Probably chocolate and peanut butter. It's Abby's first night at the godparent home. She tosses and turns. She can't get to sleep. Her mind is racing.

[House Mother]

And I'm just laying there, and it just, you know, hits you like a wave, like, this is my bed. This spot on the ceiling is the spot on the ceiling I'm gonna be staring at for God knows how long. You know, this is the feeling of the comforter I need to get used to. You're just, like, trying to absorb your new normal. Do I even try to sink in to making this space feel normal to myself?

[TJ Raphael]

Abby arrives in Lynchburg more than a decade after Tony and Zoe. But in a lot of ways, the godparent home exists outside of time, like it's frozen in amber. Year after year, the girls followed a remarkably similar program, a program that was laid out in the home's official rulebook. I read a few copies of it from different years. It has policies about everything, starting with their clothes.

[Brittany]

You will be expected to dress modestly and respectfully at all times.

[Toni]

We had to wear dresses during business hours. We couldn't wear discomfortable clothes.

[TJ Raphael]

There were restrictions on tv, music, magazines, books.

[Abby]

They were like, well, our rule is you can't have media, except for Christian media.

[Brittany]

If you do bring CDs with you, they must be approved by a house parent and must be in accordance with godparent home standards.

[Toni]

I did get in trouble one time because I had brought a clock radio. I never even touched the radio part. I just had used the alarm.

[TJ Raphael]

Every girl was assigned household chores, which they had to do no matter how bad they were feeling.

[Toni]

I was throwing up morning, noon, night, constantly throwing up. I was like, I'm sick all the time. How can I follow the schedule? And they're like, you just are going to do it. You just have to do it.

[TJ Raphael]

A lot of these pregnant teens wanted the comfort of their families.

[Zoe]

But basically, for the first month we were there, we weren't allowed any visitors to help us transition, is what they said.

[Abby]

My sisters weren't allowed to come visit. My parents weren't allowed to see me.

[TJ Raphael]

After the first month their parents could start visiting if they also followed the rules.

[Brittany]

With permission and a 24 hour notice, you may leave the premises with your parents or guardians or an approved visitor.

[Zoe]

Even your parents couldn't just randomly come pick you up. It all had to be, an appointment had to be made and they had to sign you out and sign you back in.

[Toni]

My parents came at Christmas and I wasn't allowed to stay the night with them. They had to pick me up and then we could go for the day and come back and we had to stay within a two hour radius.

[TJ Raphael]

Inside the home, the girls can use the phone but their calls are chaperoned and they don't have much time.

[Abby]

I was given two 30 minute phone calls a week that my parents got to decide who I was allowed to talk to.

[TJ Raphael]

And it was always them and the home controlled where the girls could and could not go.

[Abby]

I was told all these doors and windows are locked. If you try to open that window after hours or during the day, an alarm will go off.

[Zoe]

So you couldn't get out of the building. There was no free move movement.

[TJ Raphael]

The punishment for not following the rules, isolation.

[Toni]

I couldn't talk to anyone for three days.

[Abby]

It was so aggressive and effective.

[TJ Raphael]

If the girls try to leave or run away, the handbook states that the police will be called. But it'd be hard to get away without any money. The girls are not allowed to have jobs and the godparent home has its own banking system for cash.

[Brittany]

Any withdrawal over $10 is subject to the approval of the executive director.

[TJ Raphael]

And then there were the rules you couldn't find in the handbook. A code that became part of the home's culture and really got into the girls heads.

[Abby]

We weren't allowed to talk with our girlfriends about our pregnancies. That was hard for them to control, but they tried very hard and it definitely sowed a sense of fear into all of us.

[Toni]

Even in your room you knew they were watching you so you couldn't even say what anything you wanted to say because you're always worried that someone's listening or that they're going to hear you or you're going to get in trouble.

[Zoe]

They don't want those conversations happening. And that was very, very clear.

[TJ Raphael]

When it comes to what matters most, every girl is on their own. As Abby enters her second trimester. She keeps her head down, avoids the decorative hand towels, stays out of trouble. But it's hard to keep Track of time.

[Abby]

Some of it can get a little hazy, of course, because some of the weeks blurred together. It was definitely a traumatic haze.

[TJ Raphael]

She can see that her body's changing. The prenatal vitamins make her hair thicker. Her morning sickness is starting to get better. But on some level, her pregnancy doesn't feel real.

[House Mother]

I felt really disassociated from my body in a way that's very difficult to describe. I didn't really think about the fact that there was a baby growing in there. It felt like a problem in my life was embedded within me, like a possibility of unsafe things happening, of rejection happening.

[TJ Raphael]

The only time she really thinks about what's going on inside her body is when she goes to the doctor. A house mother would load up all the pregnant girls into a big passenger van and take them to their appointments.

[House Mother]

And we pull up and we go inside, and there's probably about 10 of us, and we go through these doors, and I feel like we're really being herded.

[TJ Raphael]

The staffer sits with Abby and the other girls in the lobby and tells them to be quiet and behave. When it's Abby's turn to see the doctor, the woman from the godparent home takes a seat in the corner of their room behind a curtain while Abby gets undressed. She puts on a gown and climbs onto the exam table. The nurse slips the blood pressure cuff on her arm.

[House Mother]

And my blood pressure was super high. And they're like, are you nervous? And I was like, yes. It was interesting to be asked questions like that, you know, no one else seemed concerned at all about how I was feeling. I remember that being one place that I went that made me feel like I was being cared for.

[TJ Raphael]

Abby begins to look forward to each doctor's visit. And soon, during one of those appointments, she learns she's having a boy. After that news, something starts to change.

[House Mother]

I was lying in bed one night, and I just felt him. He didn't feel separate from me. It wasn't because of kicking or feeling. It was that I felt that our heartbeats were in harmony. I felt that our breathing was one. And I felt that he could hear every thought that I was having.

[TJ Raphael]

She starts to imagine a future with her son, not just as his birth mom, but as the mom who raises him, the mom who sings him to sleep and teaches him his first words.

[Nathan]

I remember Abby was quiet, and mostly, you know, I remember her always touching and rubbing her belly.

[TJ Raphael]

Brittany Reynolds was an intern at the godparent home while Abby lived there. She'd later go on to join the staff as a house mother. At 20 years old, Brittany wasn't much older than the residents. Sometimes she chaperones Abby and the other girls to the indoor track on campus so they can stretch their legs and get in some exercise. As she walks with them, they chat.

[House Mother]

She didn't treat us like we were different from her. What came across from her is that she was very warm. She seemed to have a look in her eyes of being very concerned about other people. So she really put out that energy.

[TJ Raphael]

One time, while Abby's talking to Brittany, she feels the baby kick.

[Nathan]

And so I had asked her. I don't know that I was allowed to, But I had asked her, who can I feel? You know, because it was exciting, you know, and just she would let me feel the baby kick.

[TJ Raphael]

On their walks, Abby confides in Brittany.

[Nathan]

Abby talked about being a mother. I can still remember, like, how in love she was with this child.

[TJ Raphael]

Brittany isn't on staff yet. She's just an intern. And she's not really sure what she can do for Abby. But maybe there is someone that can help.

[Nathan]

Did you get to talk to a counselor? You know, girls would go up there and talk to them.

[TJ Raphael]

Every girl at the godparent home is supposed to get counseling sessions. While a large number of residents place their children for adoption, the home's handbook makes it clear that they'll get a chance to weigh both options, Placing or parenting. Abby starts to feel some little spark of hope. Maybe she can prove to her counselor that she's the best possible mom for her son.

[House Mother]

They're basing what they think they know about me off of the reality that I'm 17 and pregnant. But all they need to do is get to know me. My thinking was, if I'm good enough, if I am kind enough, if I earn their respect, they'll start to realize the best possible outcome is for me to parent my son.

[Abby]

Like, who could be better at it?

[TJ Raphael]

She knows her parents would never agree to it, But Abby's not living under their roof anymore. If her folks aren't willing to hear her out, maybe someone on the inside can help her figure out a way to keep her son. A woman named Becky is lounging by the pool at the fontainebleau hotel when she decides to proposition a strapping pool attendant to go on a date with her and her husband. What begins as an unconventional proposition will soon throw them all into the international spotlight, and that's because the couple is none other than Jerry Falwell Jr. And his wife Becky, two of the most powerful figures in evangelical America. The team that brings you the hit Wondery podcast. Even the Rich presents In God We Lust, a story of an alluring sex scandal, power, money, and a very public fall from grace. You can binge all episodes of In God We Lust exclusively and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Start your free trial in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

[Abby]

Everything was very hush hush and you were only allowed to talk about your situation and the details and everything during your appointment.

[TJ Raphael]

Abby begins to have regular appointments with one of the staff counselors on the days they meet. Abby leaves the schoolroom early, walks down the hall to her counselor's office and takes a seat to talk with her.

[Abby]

I always felt like she had all the answers and she knew the program and she knew the steps and she'd walked through this before. She counseled other girls. She knew all the information.

[TJ Raphael]

Right in the privacy of the office, Abby tells her, I don't want to lose my baby. I don't want this adoption. Abby asks her every question she can think of. Who's going to help her figure out a parenting plan? How does it all work?

[Abby]

But the way she acted towards me was like she knew nothing. And I was told that there's a lot going on and there's a lot of girls and there's not enough staff and you need to be patient and grateful.

[TJ Raphael]

Abby tries to wait her turn, be patient, but a lot of times her appointments get canceled at the last minute.

[Abby]

And then when we did have one, she only had 20, 30 minutes for me, as opposed to the hour she was supposed to offer me. And I would look across the table at her and she, she looked so annoyed. She looked so annoyed every single time, like I was a burden that she did not have time or space for.

[TJ Raphael]

Back when Zoe was in the home, she had a very similar experience. As her pregnancy progressed, she also started to look for help. She'd learned she was having a girl and picked out the perfect name for.

[Zoe]

Her daughter, Kaya Ambriel. I remember I put a lot of thought into that name and I just really loved it.

[TJ Raphael]

During class, she would write her daughter's name in cursive in the margins of her notebook. And Zoe started to talk to her own counselor about maybe keeping her baby.

[Zoe]

I definitely expressed in my therapy sessions that it was a design and I think the question was always like, well, how could that work? It was just turned back on me, like, let's be realistic. How could that work? And I didn't have any answers. As a 15, you know, 16 year old girl about how that could work. I didn't know. I didn't really feel it was an option. So I think in that way, I just felt so helpless.

[TJ Raphael]

Zoe's roommate Tony came into her counseling sessions with a different approach. She wasn't looking for permission. She told her counselor point blank, I'm keeping my daughter. But the counselor brushed her off.

[Toni]

It was very dismissive, like, they're going to change my mind anyway. They'd say, okay. Like, okay, that's what you think, but we'll see you tomorrow.

[TJ Raphael]

You know, ideally, a counselor offers empathy and support, but that's not what Zoe and Tony felt like they were getting.

[Toni]

They weren't there because they cared about you. It wasn't about you as a person and making sure that you were the best person you could be or your future. They were there so they could say they saved a baby from abortion.

[TJ Raphael]

And years later, as Abby tries to make progress with her own counselor, Brittany watches from the sidelines.

[Nathan]

I would see her, like, anxiously awaiting to go up to the caseworker's office and then sometimes coming out really discouraged.

[House Mother]

I remember I would ask her for information and she would say things to.

[Abby]

Me like, you know, what am I going to do?

[House Mother]

My hands are tied.

[TJ Raphael]

I really wanted to talk to Abby's counselor. She worked at the godparent home for eight years and held pretty much every role. Eventually, she even became the director of the godparent home. I reached out to her several times to talk, but when I finally heard back, it wasn't from her. It was her husband. He told me that for health reasons, she wouldn't be able to talk to me. And because her health condition means she can't confirm or deny what Abby had told me. I'm only going to call her by her first name, Debbie, or sometimes Debbie M. Since she and Abby's mom have the same name. When I talked to her husband about the counseling Abby received, he told me, quote, that does not sound at all like my wife. But I did find Debbie talking about her work in her own words. In an interview with Liberty University in 2009, just a year after Abby was there, she said this about the home and its services.

[Toni]

They do have the opportunity to get a full scholarship to Liberty University if they accomplish what our goals are for them here.

[Sponsor]

How do you see it making a.

[TJ Raphael]

Real difference in people's lives?

[Toni]

I think the biggest difference is made when they discover who Christ is in their lives and they realize that he's their source. It's really amazing to see how God works.

[TJ Raphael]

But Abby doesn't give up. She keeps going back to Debbie and asking questions. A lot of her questions are about the Nathan of it all.

[House Mother]

At what point will we reach out, make contact with Nathan, and what will those conversations look like? And, like, how will we go about them?

[TJ Raphael]

Abby doesn't get a clear answer to that. And she's also wondering why Nathan hasn't tried to reach out to her.

[Abby]

And, like, the feelings for me began to really fester of, like, why am.

[TJ Raphael]

I not hearing from him?

[Abby]

Like, why is he not pushing to be more involved?

[TJ Raphael]

With every passing day, Abby feels like Nathan has abandoned her. But back in North Carolina, Nathan was waiting to hear from Abby.

[Nathan's Voice]

I never even thought about them lying to me.

[TJ Raphael]

Abby's parents hadn't told him that she'd been shipped off to the godparent home. They just said that she didn't want to talk to him, maybe ever again.

[Nathan's Voice]

I didn't believe that was true. I didn't believe. I knew we were going through some stuff, but I knew, I felt that.

[TJ Raphael]

It was just a disconnect in his teenage brain. It was all pretty simple. They were in love. They were going to have a baby. They could get married and live happily ever after. He thought, she'll see that. Yeah, she'll come around soon and call me.

[Nathan's Voice]

I sat with my phone plugged into the wall for days and days and days. Wouldn't go to work, wouldn't do anything. Just to make sure that I wouldn't miss her call. I decided to do a fast to, like, show God and everyone else that I was, like, serious, you know, about this. So I locked myself in my room, then only took water. Didn't listen to music except for worship music, and didn't do anything except read the Bible.

[TJ Raphael]

He stopped working out. He stopped taking protein powder at the start of his fast. At 6 foot 2 inches, Nathan was almost 200 pounds. But by the end of his fast.

[Nathan's Voice]

I dropped to 146.

[TJ Raphael]

Nathan finally started eating again after 43 days, but he still doesn't dare reach out to Abby.

[Nathan's Voice]

I was just trying to, like, respect her by giving her space and. And respecting them in hopes they could see that I wasn't this, like, deviant person.

[TJ Raphael]

For five months, Nathan thinks that Abby is at home ignoring him until his phone rings. It's a woman from this place in Virginia called the Liberty godparent Home, and she says she needs him to sign something.

[Nathan's Voice]

I'm just going to email this over to you. Just signed it and sent it right back. And I was like, what are you, what are you talking about? What's happening? And they're like, yeah, Abby's here. We just need your signature to move forward. And I was like, move forward with what?

[TJ Raphael]

The woman on the phone explains that Abby's going to place their baby boy for adoption. It's all been decided. They just need his signature. His mind is right racing. He hangs up the phone and hops in his car.

[Nathan's Voice]

Why would I sign over my parental rights? No. I love Abby. I love my son. I do not want that to happen. No.

[TJ Raphael]

That's next time on Liberty Lost. Follow Liberty Lost on the Wondery app, Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Liberty Lost early and ad free by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short [e-mail] survey if you have a tip about a story you think we should investigate, please write to [e-mail] tips from Wondery. This is episode two of Six of Liberty Lost. Liberty Lost is hosted, reported and written by me, TJ Raphael. Her Senior Producer is Natalie Shisha. Senior Story Editor is Phyllis Fletcher. Producer is Rachel Young. Associate Producer is Maria Dennis. Additional production support from Emily, Emily Locke and Malachi Wade. Voice acting by Patrick Kershner and Jeanette Johnston. Fact checking by Jacqueline Colletti Original score by William Ryan Fritch Sound design and Dolby Atmos mixing by Jamie Cooper Audio assistance by Daniel William Gonzalez Sound supervisor is Marcelina Villalpando Music supervisor is Scott Velasquez for Freeze on Sync. Managing Producer is Heather Baloga. Senior Managing Producer is Leta Pandya. Development Producer is Olivia Weber. Supervising Development Editor is Rachel B. Doyle. Executive producers are n' J' Jeri Eaton, George Lavender, Marshall Louie and Jen Sargent for Wondery.

[Brittany]

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