Emotional Intelligence: Practical Tips for Managing Emotions, Setting Boundaries, and Deepening Relationships for a More Fulfilling Life with Dr. Elisabeth Crain

Summary

Podcast Summary: Life with Marianna – Episode: Emotional Intelligence: Practical Tips for Managing Emotions, Setting Boundaries, and Deepening Relationships for a More Fulfilling Life with Dr. Elisabeth Crain

Release Date: December 3, 2024

In this insightful episode of Life with Marianna, host Marianna Hewitt engages in a profound conversation with Dr. Elisabeth Crain, a renowned expert in emotional intelligence. The discussion delves deep into understanding emotional intelligence, enhancing self-awareness, regulating emotions, building empathy, setting healthy boundaries, and refining social skills to foster more meaningful relationships and a fulfilling life.

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1. Understanding Emotional Intelligence

Marianna opens the episode by introducing emotional intelligence (EI) with Dr. Crain. Dr. Crain defines EI as the ability to "know yourself, tap into your feelings, and navigate life through your own lens and interactions with others" (00:51). She emphasizes that emotional intelligence is akin to "reading a room," enabling individuals to respond appropriately to various social dynamics.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([00:51]): "Emotional intelligence really comes down to knowing yourself... It's sort of reading a room."

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2. Key Components of Emotional Intelligence

Marianna inquires about the fundamental elements of emotional intelligence. Dr. Crain outlines three essential components:

• Self-Awareness: Regularly checking in with oneself to understand personal emotions and how one presents in different settings.

• Emotional Regulation: The ability to manage and control one’s emotional responses once self-aware.

• Social Skills: Effective interaction and relationship-building with others based on the first two components.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([01:21]): "The number one is self-awareness... then the ability to regulate our emotions... and finally, social skills and how we interact with others."

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3. Enhancing Self-Awareness

The conversation shifts to practical strategies for improving self-awareness. Dr. Crain advocates starting with body awareness, suggesting techniques like body scans to identify where emotions manifest physically. Recognizing somatic responses can bridge the gap between emotional experiences and physical sensations.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([02:30]): "Start with your body... scan your body and see where it's showing up because the somatic responses are often stronger than the emotional responses in our heads."

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4. Understanding Somatic Responses

Marianna seeks clarification on somatic responses. Dr. Crain explains that emotions like anxiety often present physically before the emotional recognition, such as tingling fingers or heart palpitations. Being attuned to these signals can enhance self-awareness and emotional regulation.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([03:22]): "Our bodies will let us know something before we'll get that emotional reaction... integrating the psychosomatic parts of us can significantly boost self-awareness."

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5. Routine Practices for Emotional Well-Being

Dr. Crain recommends incorporating daily habits to maintain emotional intelligence:

• Morning Check-Ins: Assessing one’s emotional state upon waking to set the tone for the day.

• Body Scans Before Bed: Reflecting on the day’s emotional journey.

• Environmental Changes: Engaging with nature and varying surroundings to refresh the mind.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([04:23]): "Doing a morning body scan helps you navigate the day with greater awareness and kindness towards yourself."

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6. Regulating Emotions

Addressing emotional regulation, Dr. Crain introduces techniques like box breathing, a method used by Marines to maintain composure under stress. She explains that controlled breathing can calm the autonomic nervous system, reducing anxiety and fostering a balanced emotional state.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([07:43]): "Bringing back your breath calms your autonomic nervous system, helping to recalibrate and reduce anxiety responses."

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7. Defining Empathy vs. Sympathy

The episode distinguishes between empathy and sympathy. Dr. Crain describes empathy as the ability to "connect and share in another person’s emotional experience," while sympathy involves "feeling for someone without fully sharing their emotions." Understanding this difference is crucial for meaningful interpersonal connections.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([14:30]): "Empathy is being able to connect to the feelings of another person and share in that experience, whereas sympathy is more about feeling for someone without that deep connection."

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8. Setting Boundaries While Remaining Empathetic

Balancing empathy with personal boundaries is essential to prevent emotional burnout, especially for highly empathetic individuals. Dr. Crain advises creating a "proverbial bubble" to protect one’s energy, ensuring that interactions remain positive and manageable.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([15:58]): "Creating a protective barrier is vital for empaths to prevent burnout and ensure that the energy exchanged is beneficial."

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9. Enhancing Social Skills

Effective social interactions hinge on strong listening abilities and reciprocal communication. Dr. Crain emphasizes active listening and reflective feedback as foundational to building rapport and meaningful relationships.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([17:13]): "Listening and reflecting back what someone has said creates a space where people feel heard and validated, fostering stronger connections."

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10. Navigating Social Interactions

When conversations stall or become unproductive, Dr. Crain recommends assessing receptivity and reciprocity. If engagement wanes, gracefully exiting the conversation is preferable to forcing interaction, preserving personal emotional well-being.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([18:08]): "Look for receptivity and reciprocity in conversations to gauge their effectiveness and know when to gracefully exit."

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11. Effective Communication Strategies

Dr. Crain introduces Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg as a pivotal resource for enhancing communication. She advocates for timing out during escalated emotions to prevent conflicts from spiraling and to allow for more constructive dialogues later.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([27:54]): "When emotions are too escalated, it's beneficial to time out the conversation and regroup to ensure productive communication."

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12. Resources for Deepening Emotional Intelligence

For listeners eager to expand their understanding of emotional intelligence, Dr. Crain recommends various resources:

• Books: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.

• Workshops: Attend Rosenberg’s workshops on communication styles.

• Online Resources: Explore self-help sections in bookstores or listen to relevant podcasts.

• Personal Practices: Engage in journaling, meditation, and frequency music to aid self-discovery.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([30:40]): "Finding resources that resonate with you, whether books or podcasts, is key to becoming more psych savvy and enhancing your emotional intelligence."

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13. Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Dr. Crain encourages listeners to embark on the journey of psychological self-discovery, emphasizing that understanding oneself leads to enriched life experiences and healthier relationships. She highlights the importance of curiosity and personalized practices in developing emotional intelligence.

Notable Quote:

Dr. Elisabeth Crain ([24:04]): "Getting psych savvy is about knowing yourself on a deeper, psychological level, which enriches our lives and interactions."

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Conclusion

This episode of Life with Marianna offers a comprehensive exploration of emotional intelligence with practical advice from Dr. Elisabeth Crain. From self-awareness techniques to effective communication strategies, listeners are equipped with valuable tools to manage their emotions, foster deeper relationships, and lead more fulfilling lives. Dr. Crain’s insights emphasize the importance of continuous self-discovery and the implementation of daily practices to enhance emotional well-being.

Follow Dr. Elisabeth Crain:

• Instagram: @Dr.ElizabethCrain
• Website: DrElisabethCrain.com

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Timestamps:

• [00:51] - Introduction to Emotional Intelligence
• [01:21] - Key Components of EI
• [02:30] - Enhancing Self-Awareness
• [03:22] - Understanding Somatic Responses
• [04:23] - Routine Practices for Well-Being
• [07:43] - Regulating Emotions
• [14:30] - Empathy vs. Sympathy
• [15:58] - Setting Boundaries
• [17:13] - Enhancing Social Skills
• [18:08] - Navigating Social Interactions
• [27:54] - Effective Communication Strategies
• [30:40] - Resources for Emotional Intelligence
• [24:04] - Final Thoughts on Being Psych Savvy

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements and non-content segments to focus solely on the valuable discussions between Marianna Hewitt and Dr. Elisabeth Crain.

Transcript

[Mariana Hewitt]

The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, it's Mariana. I'm the co founder of Summer Fridays and host of the Life with Mariana podcast. This episode is all about emotional Intelligence with Dr. Elizabeth Crane. In this episode, Dr. Crane breaks down emotional intelligence and its impact on how we navigate life and relationships. And she shares practical tips for strengthening self awareness, regulating emotions and improving our social skills through daily check ins, body scans and mindfulness techniques. Dr. Crane also explains the difference between empathy and sympathy, how to set boundaries to protect your energy, and ways to build deeper connections through active listening and communication. If you guys want to listen to Dr. Crane, keep listening and don't forget to subscribe to my podcast to hear new episodes. So what exactly is emotional intelligence?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

So emotional intelligence really comes down to knowing yourself. It's having the ability to, to tap into yourself, to check in with how you're feeling and navigate life through your own lens and the interactions that you have with others. In essence, it's sort of reading a room.

[Mariana Hewitt]

What are like some of these key components of this? Or how can somebody be like, okay, maybe I need to be a little bit better about improving my emotional intelligence?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

I think number one is self awareness. Really doing check ins with yourself daily and checking in with how you're showing up in the room is really important for emotional intelligence. Being mindful not only of yourself, but of others and really having that awareness. It's almost like spidey senses, I want to say kind of out in the world, but then also with yourself just really being dialed into that and then that sort of moves into something else which is the ability to regulate our emotions and our emotional states. So if we're aware of them, then in essence we have the agency and autonomy to regulate our emotions. And then that spills over into sort of the last prong of emotional intelligence, which we can get into more of. But it's ultimately social skills and how we interact and engage others and how we show up in relationships.

[Mariana Hewitt]

I think whether people have low self awareness or very high, there's always room for improvement. So what are some ways that we can improve our self awareness?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

I like to say start with your body. So because we're psychosomatic beings, mind and body, and we're integrated, it's I think a good place for people to start. If you're not like aware of things, right, if you're struggling with understanding your emotions or you're feeling something but you're unable to tap into what that feeling is, go to your body and scan your body and see where it's showing up in your body. Because for people, the somatic responses a lot of times are stronger than their emotional responses in their heads. So I think the SOMA is a really big tool and helpful part of emotional intelligence and also self awareness.

[Mariana Hewitt]

Okay, so you talk about somatic responses, but for somebody that might not know what that is, what is this and what are kind of these like feeling sensations in our body we should look out for?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Yeah, so anxiety. I always like to start with anxiety because that's the one that gets a lot of symptomology when people think about anxiety. A lot of times it's like the tingling in your fingers, heart palpitations, sweaty palms. And so that somatic response is a signal for the emotional response, which is that anxiety or that fight or flight or whatever anyone might be sort of feeling. And the signal's there. So sometimes it's interesting, our bodies will let us know something before we'll get that emotional reaction or response. And so if we can get dialed in and check in with our SOMA and do body scans and really integrate the psychosomatic parts of us, we can get self aware.

[Mariana Hewitt]

Effy, I think a body scan is a really good daily habit. So is this something that you recommend that we do daily or only when we're feeling some of those feelings? Like for me, I like to do body scans before I go to bed. So I don't know if you have like any best recommendations or tips for this.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

You know, I always like to tell people, like, check in in the morning, do like have an internal barometer or sort of like temperature that you have inside of yourself. And what's interesting is that we show up in the world differently every single day and our emotional states are different every single day. And so some days we wake up and we're, we hit the ground running and we're ready and the energy's there. And then some days we're sluggish and tired and dragging. And so doing that first initial when your feet hit the floor in the morning, just sort of like doing that sort of body scan and check in like, how am I showing up in the world today? And then that'll sort of help you navigate because if you're tired and sluggish, then that's sort of a key to go a little more gentle and be a little bit more kind to yourself during those days, you know, and so that becomes a big toolbox and asset for us is that psychosomatic thing and those daily check ins. And yeah, you can do it. Before bed too, sort of as a recount of your day, how did it go? And sort of just figure out, like, okay, how did I end my day? What am I feeling at the end? Or you can start it in the morning or sometimes it's great. I like to do them in the car. I feel like the car is such a safe place for people because they can play their music or if they're alone, they can just really drop into what's going on with themselves. So, you know, some people love their closet. It just depends. Everyone's different.

[Mariana Hewitt]

That's really good. And I love doing a body scan. Are there any other habits or exercises that you think are really helpful for people to do every day?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

I'm a big fan of movement. I'm a big fan of nature. I think it's really important to get fresh air every single day, to step outside. Even if the weather's bad and the sun's not shining. It's good to just get out of your house to breathe fresh air. It's really important also to change your environment and your scenery. You know, we're sensory beings and we need to be able to take in different scenes and sensory aspects. So I always like to tell people if you can jump out in the sun for 10 minutes. Obviously vitamin D is amazing for your mental health, but it's also really good just as sort of a regroup and. And helps you sort of drop into your body as well.

[Mariana Hewitt]

Yeah, I really love that. I think during COVID I had a hard time because I wasn't changing my scenery. I was just living, working, and eating all in one room for a really long time. And now that we've gone back to this, like, hybrid work from office, work from home, I really enjoy working in different settings. And getting to move amongst different places throughout the day, I think is just really good for me, especially being around other people. But I like to change my scenery a lot. And I feel like what's around me really affects me.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

It's true. I mean, we're all energy, right? And so the energy that we're around, we're going to feed off of it. The mirror neurons that we engage with other people looking eye to eye, we're going to feed off of that too. And so all of our encounters and all of the engagements we have impact us. And then we have emotional responses to all of those things.

[Mariana Hewitt]

And you talked about these emotional responses and our ability to regulate them. And I know that that's really hard. We might be feeling we're doing a body scan. We know we feel anxious, we know our hands are clammy, our heart is beating really f. But what can we do to regulate them when we are feeling this way?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

So whenever, you know, and that's. And what you describe is what a lot of people have during a panic attack. These are a lot of somatic responses people describe when. When they're having a panic attack or anxiety sets on. And I love box breathing. The Marines do it under high pressure situations. There's so much stuff out on the Internet about it. It's that four step breathing system. But really, ultimately you don't have to do box breathing. Whenever you're in a heightened state of stress. It's really good to bring back in your breath because what that's going to do is that's going to calm your autonomic nervous system. Because anxiety is, you know, if we go back to our primitive ancestral times, it was a way to escape predators and it was very adaptive. Now in our society, because we've evolved so much, people are embarrassed to say they struggle with anxiety. And I like to normalize it for people because I was like at one point in time that was. We escaped predators that way. That was very evolutionarily advantageous for us. And so we still have it in our DNA. In fact, we need it to get out of bed in the morning. Without anxiety, we'd be able to get to work or brush our teeth or get in the car and get the things done that we need to do. It's only negative or maladaptive when it interferes with our thinking or our lives. And it takes sort of center stage. And so that's something people can work on. But bringing in your breath and putting your feet on the ground and putting your hands in a grounding position, bringing back in all of those aspects can really help recalibrate the nervous system and bring down that anxiety response.

[Mariana Hewitt]

Yeah, I know that that's really challenging for so many of us. And box breathing really helps for me. And I do a lot of breath work. So whenever I'm feeling anxious, like I start feeling it and like my hands, I feel my heart beating really f. And just taking a few minutes to do a little bit of breathwork and just thinking about some things. I also like to do like my five senses. So I like try to look at something, I try to see what I'm seeing. I try to think about what I'm hearing, I try to think about what I'm tasting and smelling. And that really helps me when I'm feeling those ways. There is one thing that I drink every single day. It's my favorite thing to put in smoothies. It's my favorite thing to make in matchas. It makes such a difference and it's pistachio milk. You might see it when you're ordering coffee and you're like, eh, should I try it? I am telling you, it is so delicious. Pure pistachio milk on the market is tach. So it's like T a c h e like pistachio tache. 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I think that the self regulation really helps when thinking about decision making or if you're really high stress environments like work. So how do you do this? Maybe on the fl like let's say you're at work, you're feeling really nervous, you're about to give a presentation but you only have like a few seconds to change your mood.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Yep. So ground it. You got to ground yourself. Another thing that I love is you got to get out of your head right because it's the anxiety is the heady response. So it's like if you can go through the Alphabet in your mind and look around the room and try to find something that starts with an A. Okay, I see an apple across the room. Okay, go to B. Okay, there's a book. Okay, C. There's a picture of a cat. And then as you keep going through the Alphabet, you'll notice your brain is no longer focusing on that anxiety or whatever the fear was about that presentation or whatever it is that you're about to do. And you've been. You suddenly notice, like, the heart rate goes down. And so that's a really good way to sort of just paradigm shift yourself. And there's a million things you can do, but the breath is important. And then also just getting out of your head is really helpful for things like that.

[Mariana Hewitt]

I agree. I really love grounding techniques and it's such a great, powerful tool and it just really helps us be more present. Like, just think our own feelings. And once we're grounded, it's just easier to tune into the emotions of others. So that brings us to our next essential skill, which is empathy. So how do you define empathy? And how is that different from sympathy?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Yeah, so. And I always like to give a shout out to all the empaths out there because life feels different for them. And they're very special empaths. We need them on this planet. They're incredible people. But the world is experienced differently for people who are empaths and are high on the empathy scale. But if we look at what the difference between empathy and sympathy is, I mean, empathy and empaths, they really do feel the feelings of other people. They really are able to dial in. They can walk into a room, and their spidey senses immediately can determine if someone's feeling low, if someone's been through a hard time, if someone's feeling anxious, they pick up on everything. And so if you're giving somebody empathy, when you think about empathy in the world, it's really being able to connect to the feelings of another person and feel them on some level and share in that experience with another person. Sympathy, on the other hand, is more feeling relate. Like you feel for that person, you understand why they're going through it, but you don't necessarily dial into their feelings. It's a little bit different.

[Mariana Hewitt]

And I think being an empath or being so empathetic sometimes can be really hard for us, especially when we care so much for others. So how can we have boundaries while still Remaining empathetic.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

I always like to tell people to create a proverbial bubble. There's ways to sort of mentally tune in to creating some distance because for empaths, the world can feel really overwhelming and exhausting. They give so much of themselves to help other people. A lot of empaths are in helping professions and they're very kind hearted, but they also are very prone to burnout, overwhelm and exhaustion. And so it's really important that empaths, and by the way, empaths require more self care than the average person. And so it's really important that empaths find ways to protect themselves also because not every exchange is a positive one. And you want to be sure that the energy that you're giving and receiving is beneficial. And so creating some kind of barrier, some kind of bubble as a protective shield is not necessarily a bad idea for people who are of the empathic nature.

[Mariana Hewitt]

And what are some good social skills that support a strong emotional intelligence? Like I definitely been around some people and I'm like, they're just like not reading the room right now. Now they're not understanding what's happening. And I never want to be that person that's like, okay, I need to like work on this for myself.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Listening. I feel like when it comes to social skills, being able to listen to somebody is so important and then being able to reflect back what they said because that really creates this space where people feel heard and seen and validated and that helps to create rapport between you and another person and that helps build a relationship. And ultimately that's what social skills is, it's relationship building. So I like to say listen, reflect back and then you communicate something on your behalf. And that's a really good way to build social skills.

[Mariana Hewitt]

How does this spill into social skills? And how do we maybe think like, okay, this is something that I need to work on. Like, people aren't responding to me the way that I hope. I'm not getting the reactions that I hope, like, what are those things that we should look for?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

I think receptivity is really important. And reciprocity. I would look out for those two things, the two R's. People think rest and relaxation. I'm like, no receptivity and like the reflective nature of things. So let's say you're at a party and you meet someone and you start chatting with them, sort of gauging how receptive they are to the things that you're saying and are they sharing back with you? Is there a nice ebb and flow in the conversation because that would be reciprocity. And so having those two things in a social setting is a really good way to calibrate how you're faring in the room or how your social engagements are going.

[Mariana Hewitt]

And with those social engagements, if you feel like, okay, this conversation's going downhill, are there any tips that you find for people to like turn it around and like make things go in a more positive way?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

I always like to ask people questions about themselves because people like to talk about themselves. So I'm always like, people are like, I, you know, I get so nervous, so much social anxiety. I get nervous at parties. Like it's actually quite easy. All you need to do is just ask people questions. But at some point in time, people get exhausted doing that if people aren't asking questions back or don't seem interested in them back. So yeah, I think there's a nice delicate way to maneuver in and out of a conversation. And you just sort of look across the room and say, I'm going to go get a cookie right now or I'm going to go grab a glass of wine or whatever. And if it's not working out, there's always a congenial way to exit sort of out of that conversation. But look out for, you know, how receptive a person is and how reciprocal it is and how much you're connecting. And I also think that goes back to self awareness is how do I feel around this person? I think Maya Angelou sort of said it best that we don't really remember our conversations or what people said, but we always remember at the end of the night how we felt around somebody. And so having that sort of in the back of our mind is important.

[Mariana Hewitt]

Yeah, I think so too. I can definitely like recall meeting certain people and even if the conversation was brief, I sometimes don't remember what they said, but I'll remember like, oh, they gave me a really great hug or when we spoke, they maintained a lot of eye contact. So there's certain things like in the conversation where that's what I remember a little bit more and I'm walking away with that more so than like remembering whatever the weather, whatever we talked about that day.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Totally. I mean, I think actually most of communication and social skills is non verbal. It's just sort of how we are in the room and how we are with others. And so much of that is, is what we remember.

[Mariana Hewitt]

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[C]

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[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Oh yeah.

[Mariana Hewitt]

I want to move on to being psych savvy. You often mentioned this, but like, what does it mean?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

So getting psych savvy. I'm, you know, I'm really excited about this because it's sort of a calling for everyone out there to get to know themselves and not only get to know themselves, but get to know themselves on a deeper level, on a psychological level, on an introspective level. I think our lives get enriched when we understand ourselves. And that goes back to what we started with, which was self awareness and, you know, how we're showing up in the world. And so, so much of getting psych savvy is doing the work. You know, I like to say go to therapy, but therapy isn't for everybody. So find the ways that work for you where you can dial into yourself and really discover what makes you tick and where you come from, your triggers, because we all have them and what you want out of life. You know, there's some of these existential questions. It's important to start to question what is it that you want. And so that's really what getting psych savvy is. It's getting psychologically aware about yourself and your life and how you can make it better for yourself ultimately.

[Mariana Hewitt]

And if somebody doesn't have access to get a therapist or go to therapy, like are there any at home practices or journaling prompts or something they can do to find out some of these questions and just work through it on their own?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Yes, of course. My favorite thing that I tell people if you can't get to therapy is go to a local bookstore and get into the self help section, go find yourself there and then peruse and see what catches your eye and start to get curious. I think curiosity is so important for self discovery and so just doing a simple act of just going to like a local Barnes and Noble or bookstore and sort of looking in that more like self help psychology, philosophy sections and sort of exploring what, what piques your interest.

[Mariana Hewitt]

There's so many free resources too, like listening to podcasts like this. And what I like to do is sometimes just go on podcasts and I'll search for something of like a term I'm looking. And there's so many great things that can help you out and like there's so many daily practices I've learned just from interviewing people that have really helped change my life in a positive way.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Definitely. There's so much out there nowadays. I mean there's dopamine menus, there's you know, the traditional which people are starting to get sick of. But like journaling meditation now they have, which I love these biurnal beats on Spotify which help regulate nervous system after a stressful day. Frequencies, healing frequencies. There's so much out there for healing and self discovery and you know, I think it's not one size fits all, it's whatever works for you and part of that is discovering it along the way and in your journey.

[Mariana Hewitt]

You're describing a lot of the things that I do every day. So I listen to frequency music like in the morning and at night. And it's my favorite thing. Like I just put on frequency music, I dim all the lights, I do my breath work and some of those things like really, really help me. And sometimes it's just that it's so like noise in the background and I'm not listening to like a conversation or a TV show or music where there's words and it's just like this noise and it's just really, really helps me unwind.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Yeah, I mean it's really great because it's like we're doing so many things every day and so many thoughts are going through our head. And so the idea that we could sit there with some kind of white noise for, I don't know, 15 or 20 minutes is like sort of a gift. Right?

[Mariana Hewitt]

It really is. And I want to talk a little bit about effective communication. So I think a lot of times when we think about emotional intelligence and the way that we're talking, we talked about empathy, sympathy. We have a lot of communication that we deal with that maybe is in emotionally charged situations. So in a situation like that, do you have any strategies either going into a conversation like this or if you're in it, what to do?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

So, yeah, of course. Let me say there's an amazing book that I think when it comes to communication, everybody should read. It's called Nonviolent Communication. It's by Marshall Rosenberg. And to me, that book, I mean, it changed my life, but it also taught me a lot about communication and communication styles. And I think at the end of the day, when we're trying to communicate, it really comes down to one thing. We have a want, we have a need, or we have something that we want to express. Maybe it's an emotion. We want receptivity on the other end. So when there's an emotion behind something you're trying to communicate, that message can get lost in translation, especially during fights or if people aren't agreeing. And so my tips around that is check the barometer of the messaging and the emotional response at the same time. Because if things are too escalated, if the emotions are riding over the messaging, then it's really good to time out on that conversation. I love doing timeouts. I love saying, hey, let's table this and regroup and come back. Because ultimately, everyone wants to get their point across. But it's not always easy to do that when there's heightened emotions or someone cares so deeply about something and they have a really hard time navigating the messaging with the emotions. So my tips are really to just time out if it gets too escalated.

[Mariana Hewitt]

Oh, that's a good one. What if the other person is like, no, we won't. We need to talk about this right now. And you're really firm on your boundaries. Like, how can you stick with that?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

You say, I absolutely want to talk about this, but not right now, because it's not working and we're going in circles and we're not getting anywhere, and it's not productive. So let's go back.

[Mariana Hewitt]

I think that's really helpful because sometimes it's like you just need a beat to, like, think to yourself. Like, calm down and come back to it at a later time.

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

Yeah. You know, when people are fighting or they want to get a point across and the emotions are running really high, I think they feel like, they have to talk now, and they have to get their point across. And then they realize it's just like fire with fire, and it keeps escalating. No one's ever getting anywhere. So at the end of the day, the real communication comes down to two regulated people being able to effectively convey their wants and wishes and letting the emotions. They can still be there, but they're not driving the ship.

[Mariana Hewitt]

That's really, really good advice. And you've given so much good advice so far in this episode. We've talked about free resources. We've talked about breath work and going to the library and finding books. But are there any other resources or books or workshops or courses that you suggest for people if they want to dive deeper into emotional intelligence?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

There's a lot of books out there. There are. Marshall Rosenberg, who started the nonviolent communication movement, it's actually quite a movement. He has workshops, I think, all around the nation. And then he also has something which is quite fascinating, which is giraffe talk. And it's sort of based off of giraffes. Obviously, they're these beautiful animals, but they have a very fascinating way of communicating. And so he really teaches people different communication styles. And this giraffe talk. And there's just. There's so much to it. So I would tell people to look into that and see if it resonates.

[Mariana Hewitt]

I feel like this is something that I'm, like, listening to you say this, and I'm like, oh, there's a couple people I already want to send this to that I think would find this super helpful. So hopefully some of our listeners feel the same way. If we want to learn more from you, where can we follow you and find you?

[Dr. Elizabeth Crane]

You can find me on Instagram @ Dr. Elizabeth Crane. I also have a website, Dr. Elizabethcrane.com amazing.

[Mariana Hewitt]

Thank you so much. Thanks so much for listening. And be sure to subscribe to my podcast and rate and review because it would mean so much to me. And follow me on Instagram at marianahewitt to see what episodes are coming up next. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.