Mel Robbins: The Life-Changing 'Let Them Theory' to Overcome Fear, Self-Doubt, and Build Stronger Relationships in Work, Love, and Friendships

Summary

Podcast Summary: Life with Marianna – Featuring Mel Robbins on the 'Let Them Theory'

Episode Title: Mel Robbins: The Life-Changing 'Let Them Theory' to Overcome Fear, Self-Doubt, and Build Stronger Relationships in Work, Love, and Friendships
Release Date: January 7, 2025
Host: Marianna Hewitt
Guest: Mel Robbins

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1. Introduction and Episode Overview

Marianna Hewitt kicks off the 2025 season of her podcast, Life with Marianna, with a compelling introduction to her guest, Mel Robbins. She highlights Mel's status as a renowned motivational speaker, bestselling author, and host of her own successful podcast. The episode focuses on Mel Robbins’ groundbreaking mindset shift known as the Let Them Theory, which Marianna describes as a transformative concept that helps individuals overcome fear, self-doubt, and people-pleasing tendencies to achieve greater freedom and happiness in various relationships.

Marianna (00:04): "Today we're diving into her latest mindset Shift, the Let Them Theory. I love this… it's a game changing perspective that helps you overcome fear, self doubt and people pleasing so you can find more freedom and happiness in your relationship…"

2. Understanding the Let Them Theory

Mel Robbins deconstructs the Let Them Theory, presenting it as a simple yet powerful mindset tool designed to help individuals discern what is within their control and what isn’t. The theory comprises two primary steps: Let Them and Let Me.

Mel Robbins (01:42): "The Let Them theory is a very simple mindset tool that in an instant it shows you what's in your control and what's not in your control."

Step One: Let Them
This involves detaching emotionally from others’ actions that may upset or annoy you. By saying "let them," individuals can quickly achieve a sense of power, peace, and release from negative emotions.

Mel Robbins (02:15): "Let them. And you're gonna immediately notice that you feel this weird sense of power and peace and release."

Step Two: Let Me
This step is about reclaiming personal agency. By saying "let me," individuals affirm their ability to choose how they respond to situations, focusing on their thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Mel Robbins (03:00): "When you say, let me, you are now cueing back to yourself that you have power right now because you get to choose how you're gonna respond to this..."

3. Applying Let Them Theory to Friendships

Marianna discusses common scenarios where the Let Them Theory can be applied, particularly in friendships where exclusion or lack of reciprocation leads to feelings of resentment.

Scenario: A friend not inviting you to an event.

Marianna (04:12): "So I have a friend. They don't invite me to something. I'm really upset. What do I do? And what is let them and let me in the scenario?"

Mel Robbins (04:16):

1. Let Them: Recognize that being excluded is a normal and healthy aspect of relationships. It’s not your responsibility to manage others’ actions.

   "You cannot control what other people are doing. You are not owed an invitation in life…"

2. Let Me: Reflect on your values and decide how to respond appropriately. Assess whether the behavior is a one-time occurrence or a recurring pattern that affects you deeply.

   "Anchor in on what you value. Are you the kind of person that values open communication? Are you the kind of person that values friendship?"

Personal Example: Mel shares her own experience of prioritizing her business over friendships, leading to unintentional distancing.

Mel Robbins (07:09): "When you say, let me, you're either gonna be like, I gotta learn to stop being a jealous bitch…"

4. Navigating Romantic Relationships with Let Them Theory

The discussion delves into how the Let Them Theory aids in evaluating and improving romantic relationships by recognizing compatibility and setting boundaries.

Mel Robbins (15:46):
Explains her B, C, D, E deal breaker theory, emphasizing the importance of compatibility in values and life goals.

Key Points:

• Compatibility: Ensuring that staying with a partner doesn't require sacrificing personal dreams or values.
• Acceptance: Understanding that people are unlikely to change and that compatibility is crucial for long-term happiness.
• Communication: Encouraging open conversations about deal breakers to assess relationship viability.

Mel Robbins (15:50): "If staying with this person means you have to give up on some kind of dream or vision that you have for your life, this will never work."

5. Strengthening Family Relationships

Family dynamics often present unique challenges. Mel Robbins offers strategies to manage difficult family relationships using the Let Them Theory.

Mel Robbins (25:21):
Uses the metaphor of a spiderweb to depict family connections, emphasizing the impact of individual behaviors on the entire system.

Strategies:

1. Acceptance: Acknowledge that family members aren’t going to change unless they choose to.
2. Personal Responsibility: Focus on how you respond to family dynamics rather than trying to control others.
3. Setting Boundaries: Decide the role and influence family plays in your life based on your values.

Mel Robbins (25:21): "Stop wishing they would. Any time you spend wishing somebody would change is time you are wasting…"

6. Leveraging Let Them Theory for Career Goals

Applying the Let Them Theory in professional settings can empower individuals to pursue their ambitions without being hindered by others’ opinions.

Mel Robbins (34:23):
Encourages listeners to publicly declare their goals to create accountability and overcome the fear of judgment.

Exercise:
Create a social media post announcing a personal goal to commit to it publicly, thereby reducing the power of others' opinions over your actions.

Mel Robbins (34:23):
"Create a post. And the post is gonna be a photo of you where you are going to announce the thing that you're doing this year… let them think negative thoughts. Let them."

7. Personal Insights and Transformation

Mel Robbins shares her personal journey of adopting the Let Them Theory, highlighting its profound impact on her relationships and overall well-being.

Mel Robbins (41:24):
Describes the Let Them Theory as the legacy she wishes to leave, underscoring its immediate and lasting influence on her life and others’.

Mel Robbins (42:41):
Reflects on how embracing this theory transformed her approach to relationships, particularly with her adult daughters.

Mel Robbins (44:29):
Expresses emotional gratitude towards Marianna for her impactful work, recognizing the ripple effect of empowering others.

8. Conclusion and Further Resources

Marianna and Mel wrap up the episode by encouraging listeners to explore the Let Them Theory further through Mel Robbins' book. They emphasize the practical applications of the theory across various aspects of life, urging listeners to adopt the mindset shifts to reclaim their power and build healthier relationships.

Mel Robbins (47:37):
"Let them and let me. You're gonna stop wasting your time and energy on things that aren't worth it, and you're gonna take your power back and pour it into building the life and the relationships that you want and deserve."

Marianna (48:54):
"She needs the tools to make her life and her relationships better. And I'd be happy to teach your sister how to do that."

Availability:
Mel Robbins’ book, Let Them Theory, is available on all major platforms, and listeners are encouraged to read and revisit it for various scenarios in their lives.

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Key Takeaways:

• Let Them: Release control over others' actions to reduce stress and negative emotions.
• Let Me: Reaffirm personal agency in responding to situations in alignment with your values.
• Application Across Relationships: Effective in friendships, romantic relationships, and family dynamics.
• Empowerment in Careers: Use the theory to pursue goals without being hindered by others' opinions.
• Personal Growth: Adopting the Let Them Theory leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships and personal well-being.

Notable Quotes:

• Mel Robbins (01:42): "The Let Them theory is a very simple mindset tool that in an instant it shows you what's in your control and what's not in your control."
• Mel Robbins (15:50): "If staying with this person means you have to give up on some kind of dream or vision that you have for your life, this will never work."
• Mel Robbins (34:23): "You cannot control what other people are doing. You are not owed an invitation in life."
• Mel Robbins (47:37): "With Let Them and Let Me, you're gonna stop wasting your time and energy on things that aren't worth it, and you're gonna take your power back and pour it into building the life and the relationships that you want and deserve."

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Final Thoughts:

This episode of Life with Marianna offers invaluable insights from Mel Robbins on cultivating a mindset that prioritizes personal agency and emotional well-being. By embracing the Let Them Theory, listeners can navigate their relationships and career goals with greater clarity and confidence, ultimately leading to a more empowered and fulfilling life.

Transcript

[Mel Robbins]

Foreign.

[Mariana]

Hi, it's Mariana and welcome back to the Life with Mariana podcast and Happy New Year. I am so excited to be kicking off 2025 with such an incredible guest, Mel Robbins. I was so excited to record with her. I posted about it on Instagram. So many of you were like, I'm so excited. I cannot wait to hear from her because you guys understand how incredible she is. She's one of the most sought after motivational speakers, a best selling author and host of the amazing Mel Robbins podcast. She gives such practical advice and millions of people transform their lives. Today we're diving into her latest mindset Shift, the Let Them Theory. I love this. I actually heard about this in January of last year. I sent the episode to a friend and ever since then hearing this concept of Let Them was something that was just stuck in my head. So when I heard that she had a book coming out, I was so excited for this. I read the entire thing and I know it's resonated with so many of you. It's a game changing perspective that helps you overcome fear, self doubt and people pleasing so you can find more freedom and happiness in your relationship, whether it's at work, romance, or with friends. I'm also asking Mel some of your questions, covering everything from overcoming fear and navigating tricky relationships to setting boundaries and staying true to yourself. So if you're ready to make this year the best one yet, keep listening. This is an episode you'll want to save and come back to again and again. And don't forget to subscribe to Life with Mariana so you can hear new episodes on Tuesdays. Now let's hear from Mel. I'm familiar with the Let Them Theory. I listened to it first in January of 2024. I immediately listened to the episode. I sent it to friends because I was like, okay, this is something that everybody needs to know. I think depending when you listen to this in your life, it can mean different things to you. But for people that don't know what it is, explain to us the Let Them Theory.

[Mel Robbins]

The Let Them theory is a very simple mindset tool that in an instant it shows you what's in your control and what's not in your control. And it works very easily. The next time you find yourself either upset or pissed off or annoyed by what somebody else is doing, you're just going to say to yourself, let them. And you're gonna immediately notice that you feel this weird sense of power and peace and release. And then there's a step two that a lot of People don't know about. And step two is saying to yourself, let me. And the let me part is actually the more powerful part, in my opinion, because when you say, let me, you are now cueing back to yourself that you have power right now because you get to choose how you're gonna respond to this annoying person or this annoying situation or this stressful thing that's happening. Let me decide what I wanna say, do, or feel in response to this, and what happens. This was astonishing to me. I'm 56 years old. I could basically be your grandmother. I had no idea how much time and energy I was wasting worrying about or managing other people. I had no idea how often I let other people's drama or immature behavior drain my energy. I had no idea that I kind of ran on default thinking, like, okay, I gotta make my kids happy, I gotta make my friends happy. I gotta make sure my mom's not mad at me. It's exhausting. There's a completely better and more powerful way to go through your life, your career, your relationships, and it's to let adults be adults and truly focus on the only thing you can control, which is your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions in response to whatever's happening. And when you do that, it's just unbelievable what changes in your life and in your relationships.

[Mariana]

And even from a year ago, when I listened to this episode and applying it to my own life, I found myself saying these two simple words and just reminding myself, like, oh, let them. If that's how they wanna act, let them. And I know in theory it sounds great. In practicality, when people are actually using it, it's hard, especially if you're a people pleaser. You care about other people. You don't wanna alienate others in your life. So let's go through examples of like, somebody wants to use this. So I have a friend. They don't invite me to something. I'm really upset.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep.

[Mariana]

What do I do? And what is let them and let me in the scenario?

[Mel Robbins]

I love that we're getting specific. So, first of all, it is an appropriate emotional response to be upset. If you're excluded, whether it's intentional or unintentional, that means you're normal. It means that you're healthy. And so don't make yourself wrong for getting upset. But you have to say, let them. Because you cannot control what other people are doing. You are not owed an invitation in life. And so fussing about what the other person did by not inviting you is not where your power is. In fact, Any psychologist will tell you, the more that you fuss about, they didn't invite me. And then you complain to your friend, the more stress you're gonna feel. And then what happens when you see them? You try to act like you don't care, but then the bitch mode comes out. And then you say something, you're like, ugh. So we're gonna say, let them. Because you gotta detach from what's happened. There's nothing you can do about it. Then you're gonna say, let me. And this now is about your power in the situation because you always get to choose. And what I would recommend is anchor in on what you value. Are you the kind of person that values open communication? Are you the kind of person that values friendship? And based on your values, is this something you wanna respond to? Is this something you wanna address? Is this a one off and you're the one who's being immature? Is this your insecurity or is this now a pattern and it's actually bothering you? And so when you say, let me, you're either gonna be like, I gotta learn to stop being a jealous bitch and to stop feeling like I gotta be entitled to include everything. This is not kindergarten anymore. We don't have the BFF necklaces. I gotta let her live her life. I gotta let her have other friends. I gotta let her plan things and not always have to include me. Noted that her behavior is also revealing something to you. Right? Like if you expected the relationship and it's a snub, that's a different situation, then somebody's just wasn't thinking about you at all. If this is about something that upsets you. The great thing about the let them theory is when you say, let me, let me figure out what I wanna do about this. Now you can figure out the way to respond that's mature. Like instead of sending some passive thing over to, oh, I saw you in L last night, or thanks for inviting me now, like, whatever you're gonna say, you can take a beat, you can gather yourself and you get to decide how to respond. So it depends on what you care about. It depends on the person, it depends on the situation, and it depends on the result that you want.

[Mariana]

And what I gathered from the book about Let Me also was like, what did I do? So did I do something of why did they not invite me? Was I not a good friend to them?

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Mariana]

Did I not show up when they invited me before? So they're not inviting me anymore for a reason. Do I need to do something in Return. So it's not just putting the blame on other people and let them. It's like, let me also understand, like, okay, this is what I can do. This is reciprocal. Like, this is how I can control the situation as well.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And part of the power in this is that I think reflexively we look at other people is either being responsible for giving us what we want or blaming them when we don't have what we want. And what this theory does is it detaches your emotion and it also reminds you you cannot control, nor is it your job, nor are you supposed to control what other people are doing. Your power is in focusing on how you respond to situations and how you show up. And I love what you said because in my experience, as I was growing my business, there were periods where I was the world's worst friend. I was always on the road. I was always heads down. And here's the truth. My priority was my business and getting out of debt and taking care of my family and friendship and being the friend that was always inviting or planning things or able to show up. Not on my radar at all. Not a priority. So I had a bunch of friends who I used to do things with all the time, who suddenly I just stopped getting the invitation. And here's the thing that I had to be honest with. Why do I think I'm owed one? Like, if I'm not showing up to the parties, if I have other priorities, aren't other people allowed to live their lives? Aren't I allowed to have a period in my life where I'm busy with something else? And so that's the other thing that I love about this, is that it's not about making other people wrong. It's actually the opposite. It's about taking responsibility for yourself, for your life, for your values, and reminding yourself that you can always show up in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Even when people annoy the hell out of you or hurt you or frustrate you, which they're going to.

[Mariana]

While we're on the topic of friends, I had some listeners comment in. They were like, so excited you were coming on. They said, okay, I've applied let them theory to my life. I start to feel I'm a bit alienated. Like they are having these boundaries. But then they're like, oh, I actually have less friends because of this. So how can you use this theory in your life but not feel like you're alone?

[Mel Robbins]

It's an excellent question. And this is a very common thing that happens because everybody Forgets the second part. Let me. You know, when I first introduced the theory, all these tattoos. Let them, let them, let them. Came in because the truth is, when you start to say, let them, and it's usually because somebody hurts you or it's because you're frustrated, maybe you're the one that's always reaching out, and they're not responding to your texts. So then you say, let them, and then you stop. You stop reaching out, and then no texts come back. So this is very common because people reveal who they are. And here's what I would say. Number one, maybe you're just the kind of person that's more proactive, and that's okay. You know, there are lots of friendships where there's somebody who's very introverted and socially awkward, and there's, like, the party person that's always making the plans. And your reaching out might just be the glue that keeps the relationship together. The second thing that I would say is that if you feel like you're a little isolated, that can be a good thing. And let me tell you why. Perhaps you've been in relationships or you've been putting too much effort in and you've been living in your head in a fantasy that this friendship is something that it's not. And the second that you start living in reality, and I'm not talking operating as a tit for tat, I don't like transactional relationships at all. I think that we need to be more flexible and compassionate with each other. And when you give people the space to live their lives, they reveal who they are. But we're adults. You get to choose what you're gonna do in response. You get to choose if somebody not reciprocating is enough for you. You get to choose whether or not you're gonna pour more time and energy into something. And, you know, I don't believe that friendships necessarily require a breakup. If something goes down, be the adult. Have the conversation, Say what you need to say, it's over. But with most relationships and most people, things are gonna come and go in your life, and the more that you can say, let them. And if you find yourself lonely because people start revealing that you're not a priority anymore, it's gonna happen a lot, actually. When you're in your 20s and your 30s, something very interesting happens. Friendship in particular moves from what used to be a group sport. You know, when we were all in high school and college, everybody ran in groups. You were on teams. You were maybe in the Greek system. You were this you were that you expected to be invited. Everything was always going on, and you were kind of moving in packs. And then your 20s hit, and there's the great scattering is what I call it. Everybody goes in different directions from this point forward. There's different rules for adult relationships. It is no longer group. You should no longer expect to be invited, and you should understand that it is now an individual sport. And your experience of friendship is entirely on you to create. And that's cool. It's really cool because you get to choose how social you want to be. You get to choose whether you'd rather have friends that are really into fitness and, you know, wellness, or if you're in a group of friends that are all about entrepreneurship, you get to choose. And when you take this approach of saying, let them, what you're gonna find is your old friends move in and out of your life. You may find that you're an entrepreneur and your friends are getting engaged. Let them. You may find that you're getting engaged and your other friends are still single. Let them. You may find that people drift in and out of your life. Let them. And the reason why this is so important is because I think we make a huge mistake of thinking that relationships need to be a certain thing all the time, instead of giving each other the space to come in and out of your life based on where you are in life. And the more you keep that open posture, the more friends you're gonna have and the more people that you thought had ghosted you or whatever, they come back in your life. There's this expert that I had on the podcast who really made a huge impression on me recently. His name is Dr. Stuart Ablon. He's a psychologist who has been in practice for 30 years at Mass General, Brigham Hospital in Boston. And he came on the show and he said this. He said, mel, people do well when they can. And it struck me that when somebody treats you poorly, don't ever put up with it, because you can choose to not put time and energy into a relationship where somebody treats you poorly, but understand that people do well and they treat other people well when they can. And I've made the mistake for far too long, whether it's in life or love or business, of thinking that if somebody treats me poorly, it's a sign that something's wrong with me. No, people do well when they can. Let them. And understand that people's behavior actually reveals what's important to them and where you stand. And that's a huge thing that I see that we get wrong about relationships, especially romantic relationships and business relationships, which is we refuse to see the reality. We live in this fantasy in our heads of the possibility and the potential, thinking that somehow we can change the person that we're dating. They're not changing. You need to get out of your head. You need to let them reveal who they are. And then you've gotta do the let me part. Can I choose to love this person as they are? Is the table scraps enough for me, or am I looking for a buffet? Like, what is it that I want in my life and what I love so much about? And I see you smiling, smiling, smiling because, you know, I've got daughters who are 25 and 23. And this obsession with the potential, the chasing, the project that some. Oh, but only if they did this or if they did. You are in your head, in a relationship with some fantasy, and then you're pissed off and resentful of the person that's sleeping next to you because you will not just accept the person as they are, and you don't see their behavior as the communication of what they actually feel about you.

[Mariana]

In your book, you have something about deal breakers. It's a B, C, D, E theory. And someone asked. They were like, okay, what is a deal breaker? How do I use this? Because we talked about friendships. We were talking about romantic relationships. Now, it's not that it's easy, but it is easier to fade away from a friendship because maybe you have another friend. A romantic relationship, it's a little harder, for sure. Let them.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes, yes. So here's the thing. I've been married almost 30 years.

[Mariana]

Congratulations.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. It's a lot of work. It is, it is. And I wish I had known the let them theory sooner. In the last two years, my relationship with my husband, Chris, has deepened in a way that I can't even explain because I'm not fighting against the reality of who I'm with. And he isn't either. And. Excuse me. And I just, like, slammed the sandwich on the way over because you're running so late now. They're like, here come the bloopers. And the hardest thing in the world. I remember this in my 20s. Oh, my God. Being with somebody that you love, who's a good person, and knowing they're not your person, having the courage to really see that it's one of the hardest things in the world. And the way that you figure it out. There's a lot of very interesting research on this. So first of all, you've gotta let Them be who they are. And you've gotta see with a laser focus that the person that's right in front of you, you should assume they're never changing. If they watch golf all weekend, they're gonna do it till they're 60. If they are sloppy, they're probably gonna be sloppy. Now, there are skills that people can learn, but you gotta accept somebody exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't. And how you figure out whether or not this is your person is an issue of compatibility. And the research is very, very clear on this. So if you look at the Gottman Institute, which is a husband and wife team, they're the world's most renowned researchers on love and relationships. 69% of the things that people bicker about or don't like about their partner not going away. Is there something about this person that is gonna make you go against your values or who makes you give up on your dreams? If staying with this person means you have to give up on some kind of dream or vision that you have for your life, this will never work. Because you will slowly resent them and blame them for the fact that you gave up on your dream. That's how you know it's a deal breaker. Or if there is something about your values, like, maybe you're a morning person and they sleep till two. Maybe you're somebody who doesn't drink and you don't want to be with a drinker. Maybe you're somebody who is. You really value traveling. And this is a person that never wants to move from their hometown. They never want to. Like, if that's making you give up on your vision for your life, this is a deal breaker. And here's how you know, can you end your bitching about it? If you can't end your bitching about it, then you're probably in the wrong relationship.

[Mariana]

I think that's really good advice. And I'm sure people listening to this are like, oh, it's almost like you know the answer. You know, it's a deal breaker. You just need, you know, a little nudge from somebody else to be like, okay, this actually is not the right thing for me.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah. And here's how the let them theory is gonna help you. If you come to the conclusion that this is not a deal breaker, you're gonna be saying let them a lot in your relationship. My husband says, let them about me probably 17 times. Cause I'm messy and I leave things around, and I have adhd, and it drives them absolutely crazy. And that doesn't mean I don't try to change and do better. I do, but I do not have a handle on this. I'm never, ever, ever going to be the super, like buttoned up Chris Robbins vanity in the bathroom looks like a minimalist five star hotel. There's nothing there. Mine looks like a Lego set of products everywhere. It's just like a disaster. I'm never gonna be that person. He has learned to let me be me.

[Mariana]

How do you not let things like that bother you? So it's like, it's fine for me to be like, okay, if you're a messy person or a clean person, I'm gonna let you. But how do I get over that feeling of like, I wanna let it go, but I can't?

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, so is it can't or won't?

[Mariana]

Oh, maybe won't. Cause it's like, you know, in theory, like, I know. Okay, let it go. I wanna let it go. Let it change. I can't let shame.

[Mel Robbins]

Let it go. Yeah, I hate letting it go. See, letting it go, I think is the worst thing ever because I feel like I'm surrendering and I don't wanna let them. Something different with let them. It's almost like you're allowing something without allowing it because you're seeing clearly the way things are and you're choosing to accept what's worth your time to worry and stress about and what actually just isn't worth your time to stress and worry about. And at the end of the day, I think what Chris has realized is that when he's on his deathbed and he looks back on his life, the things that I bring to the partnership far outweigh the annoying thing. I mean, the fact is my husband annoys the shit out of me and I annoy the shit out of him. I mean, human beings are annoying. I think the reason why we have families is to teach you how to love somebody you hate at times. And so I have negative thoughts. He pisses me off. I piss. Let him, let him, let him. It's a way to not let a death by a thousand strikes build up into a big thing. It doesn't have to be. And it's a way for you to give a little bit of grace to the person that you care about deeply and to not have it frustrate you so much. Now, if the behavior, let's just say that you have a roommate or you're living with somebody and they're super sloppy. Cleaning up after yourself is a skill somebody can learn. Learning to cook and do dishes. That's a skill somebody can learn. If it bothers you, have the conversation. So you're gonna let them be messy because you can't control them, right? I never said you couldn't influence them. Then you're gonna say, let me decide what I wanna do about this. And the best thing to do is to sit down and say, hey, look, I know you grew up in a frat house and your mother never needed you to do anything. And I feel like I'm living with an adult child. But no, that's not how you're gonna do it. You're basically gonna say, it frustrates me when you leave the dishes in the sink over and over and over again, because every time I see them in there, it makes me feel like you expect me to do it. And when you explain it that way, it hits different. Because a lot of times, the behavior that people engage in, they know what they intended, and oftentimes they did not intend for it to impact you the way that it's impacted you. So if you understand, you're gonna let them leave the dishes in the sink again, even though it pisses you off. And the reason why you say let them is because it actually lowers your emotional fuse. So now you're not gonna be a raging bitch and snap at them, because the more you pressure somebody or yell at somebody, the neuroscience is very clear. Their brain turns off and they don't listen. And you're now creating resistance to changing. If you've ever dated somebody or been in a relationship with somebody that you wish would get in shape, buying them sneakers doesn't help. Hinting that they should go for a run and turn off the TV makes them sit on the couch. And it's only in letting them be and giving them the space to think that it's their idea while you model change that they'll actually start to change. And so back to this point of if you have behavior that's bothering you, you bring it up, and you bring it up in a way without alcohol or over text. I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't leave the dishes in the sink. Text the photo. You think that's gonna get a result, or is the person gonna read it and flip off the phone? It's gonna get resistance to what you want. And so you sit down and just say, hey, you know, been thinking about this thing that kind of bothers me, and I'd like to talk to you about it. Are you open to being better about cleaning up? What do you think would help because it makes me feel like I'm your mom and I don't wanna feel that way. And it makes me wonder, like, how this is gonna spiral in our relationship if we're not really partners in this. Do we want, like, literally, you have the conversation? Because I think most people, we don't have the conversation. We hint around we're immature, we're passive aggressive, and then we're pissed off when they don't change because they didn't pick up on the hints. There's a better way to do it. Let them be who they are. Then remind yourself your power is in how you respond to this, and you get to choose how you respond to it. And look, if you have the conversation and it really matters to you and this person doesn't give a shit, that's data. They're revealing to you that how their behavior impacts you isn't really a concern of theirs. And that's important for you to understand that their behavior, not their words, reveals the truth about where you stand. And when you watch someone's behavior, there are no mixed signals. There's nothing to be confused about. You see exactly who this person is and where you stand and what they care about.

[Mariana]

I have so many follow ups to what you said here. One of the things that you said was about family. It's like learning to love people that sometimes you hate. And I know that's frustrating. So when I asked people on Instagram they wanted to ask, it was like the most amount of family questions people were so interested in. Because I think friends, okay, you can get new friends, relationships, okay, maybe you can break up family, Kind of hard to break up with them. The questions I got were about, as a lot of mothers, it was like toxic mothers, narcissistic partner, difficult in laws. So these kind of relationships, I think, okay, you love these people. They're very challenging to be around. You have to be around them. How can you deal with these negative family members that you can't get rid of? I think we all probably have at least one.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, of course. And as we're talking and you're spending time with us, I want you to think about somebody in your family that just annoys the shit out of you, or you wish they weren't such a victim, or there wasn't so much drama, or they weren't all about them. Right. We all have somebody like this in our life. So one of the things I want you to think about is that I want you to visualize, like, a spiderweb when it comes to your family, okay? And if you're ever out in the morning and you're outside and you see a spiderweb, you know how it has the do on it. Think about that when you think about your family. Because you're all connected, whether you like it or not. And what happens in families is that the most toxic behavior is what affects everybody. It's like tap, tap, tap on the web and all the water shakes off. What if the opposite were true? What if the most evolved positive, peaceful and confident behavior had the same effect on that family system? Because I'm going to tell you it does. So just like you and just like the person that's spending time with us right now, I have somebody in my life who has a very narcissistic personality style. And I'm going to give you a couple ground rules when it comes to any human being but families in particular, your family isn't changing, so stop wishing they would. Any time you spend wishing they would change is time you are wasting and energy you are expending that you need to use elsewhere. Because adults only change when they feel like changing, period. And any expectation that you have of wishing somebody would change means you're not actually accepting them and letting them be who they are. So that's number one. Number two, I never said you couldn't change. And it just takes one person inside a family system to change the way it feels and the dynamics overall over time. And that person's you. And so here's how the let them theory does this. First of all, you're gonna let them be narcissistic. You're gonna let them make it all about them. You're gonna let them have drama. You're gonna let them be disappointed. Because you understand it is not your job to manage another adult. It is not your job to make another adult happy. And this person's not changing anyway. So you're gonna let them be who they are. And you're gonna see this as it is for the very first time, which then gives you power, because you get to decide how much time you spend at the table. You get to decide whether you talk to this person or not. You get to decide whether or not their stuff impacts you. Like when the golden child rolls in and you know, everything's all about that, let them. Don't let it get to you, because that's the only power that you have. And then it comes to, let me. Let me decide the role that family plays. And if family is important to you, then you are responsible for determining what Your relationship is with your family. You might have a very dramatic, needy, selfish sister, and you might be the one that always reaches out, and she may never reach back. Let her. Why? Because you're not doing this for her. You're doing this for you. You reach out because family matters to you. And, you know, I get a lot of questions about guilt. Well, I feel guilty. I feel guilty. My mom and dad are disappointed. I got it. Here's how the let them theory just changes everything. Let them be disappointed. If your parents are disappointed that you moved away from your hometown, or they're disappointed that you dropped out of medical school and you're now pursuing a business online, or they're disappointed because they don't like the person that you're dating. Let them be disappointed. Because two things can be true. They can be disappointed, and they can still love you. They can say mean things and still love you. They cannot understand why you're doing something because in their life experience, it makes zero sense at all. And they can still, at the end of the day, love you. And a huge breakthrough for me in my life because I used to be highly motivated by my mom. By my mother's guilt trip. I used to be highly motivated whenever I felt guilty, highly motivated when my parents were disappointed because I wanted to be a good daughter and also because I didn't want them to be disappointed. And I felt like it's my job to make them not disappointed. When I realized, wait a minute. When I operate out of guilt, I make them the villain. When I change my plans because I feel bad, I make them wrong. But when I say let them be disappointed, because if your parents are disappointed, it's also very close emotion to love. I mean, don't you want people disappointed if you're not coming home? Of course you do. Because the alternative is, well, I don't want to see that bitch. Like, I'm glad she's not coming. So let them be disappointed. Do not change your plans because you feel guilty. Do not change your plans because you want to have them think you're a good daughter. Come back to the let me part. If you value family, change your plans because it makes you feel like a good daughter. Don't do it for them, do it for yourself. Same thing is true with your sister. Your relationship with your sister is yours to create. It's not fair that she doesn't respond. It's not fair that she's selfish. It's not fair that she's dramatic. It's not fair that it's all about her, you get to choose, let her be who she is. You get to choose what your relationship is. And that's the let me part. And you know, this is tricky because I see so much content online that an estrangement is up. And I think it's become a default for people to just be like, they're out of my life, I'm not talking to them. That is highly emotionally immature behavior. Unless you're in a situation where somebody has been abusive. And look, there's a lot of reasons to distance yourself from people and to have very, very clear boundaries. But I worry that too many people just slowly, quietly quit a relationship and don't actually change themselves and their approach and don't actually address the issue. And one of the things that has helped me a lot is thinking about the fact again that people do well when they can. And now that I'm a parent, 25, 23 and 19 year old kids, I understand that your parents can only give you what they have to give. And you probably didn't get what you needed and what you deserved and neither did they. And that's not an excuse. And that doesn't explain away poor behavior or the way you were treated as a kid. But it's really helped me to think about the fact that if somebody hasn't really met themselves at a deep level, they can't meet you there. If somebody was never nurtured as a child or given the love and support that they needed, they probably are not gonna be able to give that to you. And when I see my parents through that lens that they gave me everything that they had to give, I get to choose how I see that, what I do with it. And I choose to love them back and I choose to value family. And what I love about taking responsibility for your relationships in that regard is that, let's look at the word responsibility. It's the ability to respond. And it takes a very mature person, which I, for a long time was not to be able to see somebody exactly as they are and exactly as they're not. And to hold space for somebody who may have a very narcissistic personality or may have a lot of trauma and they dump it on other people, or they may just be extraordinarily immature and irritating. But if you can hold space and just let people be who they are, you're actually fully loving somebody because you're not trying to change them. And if you can, then seeing somebody exactly as they are, decide how much time and energy am I gonna give to this based on what I value. Now you're living your life in a way that makes you proud. And you're taking responsibility for your experience of life and what you want to create.

[Mariana]

You're giving me a lot to think about. I'm sitting here, like, nodding my head. Cause I'm like, so much of this is resonating with me. And I'm sure so many of the listeners feel the same way. And we've talked a lot about, like, relationships and family and friends, but I also think this can apply to our careers too.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh, sure.

[Mariana]

And as we think about the New Year, I know so many of my listeners are probably like, okay, I'm thinking about New Year's goals and resolutions. I want to start a business. I want to be an entrepreneur. I'm really scared. Yes, I'm really nervous. I want to put myself out there and start a podcast, create content. But I'm really nervous about what other people will think if I myself out there. How can we use this theory to go after our goals and be like.

[Mel Robbins]

Okay, I'm so glad you asked this, and here's why. There's not a single person on the planet who can stop you from achieving your goals. But you. Other people lead the way, they don't block the way. And if you are worried about what other people think, you will never actually set the right goals because you'll always be considering what somebody might think before you even say, this is a goal of mine. And you will never actually achieve the full potential of what you could do in your life because you put more weight into somebody else's potential opinion about what you're doing than you put into your own potential and dreams. And that is a sad, awful way to live your life. Do not do it. And so here's what you're gonna do. You're literally going to sit with yourself and say, what do I actually wanna do? For real? And the fastest way. And the fact that you're listening to this right now to me, tells me you actually wanna launch something. It tells me that you have big dreams. I think that is so fucking cool and amazing. And I believe in that potential. I know you do too. The only thing that will stop you from doing it is you and learning to say, let them. And I'm gonna give you an exercise that I want you to do. I want you to pull out your favorite social media channel and I want you to just create a post. And the post is gonna be a photo of you where you are going to announce the thing that you're doing this year. I bet just the thought of that makes you wanna throw up right now as you're driving your car or taking a walk with us, right? And the reason why is most everybody that I meet has social media completely wrong. Social media is not for other people. Social media is your self expression. If you want to be an entrepreneur or an artist or an influencer or a YouTuber or do a podcast, your social media is your content syndication. It is your marketing channel. It is not for your fucking friends. It is not for your college sorority sisters and what they think. Bullshit. This is for you. And if you want to achieve your goals, you have to learn how to downgrade other people's opinions and upgrade your goals and dreams and your self expression. So as you're pulling out and look, you don't have to do this post, but I just want you to think about posting. If you pull out your favorite social media platform and Instagram is the one that I love the most and so you go to put up a photo, I guarantee you've had the experience where you're like, okay, filter. Oh, am I too much in this? Is this too much? Should I do this? Oh, maybe I like this one better. Maybe I should do this. And then you start to write the caption like, oh, what can I write? Emoji. Emoji, Emoji. You're trying to soften it. Why? Why? I'll tell you why. Because you think there's something you could post that actually makes people think a certain thing about you. Let them think negative thoughts. Let them. You can't control what somebody's going to think anyway. And just put yourself in this scenario because how many draft posts have you saved? And the reason why you save the draft posts is because you get so consumed with what people are going to think about the thing that you're about to post that you exhaust yourself. And then you hit draft and I'll come back later. That is what I mean when I say you're giving other people power. I want you to let them have negative thoughts. And let me give you the science around this because this will make so much sense when I explain it this way. The Average person has 70,000 thoughts a day, according to the research. I can't control the shit that pops in my mind. I can't crawl up in your head and control what you're gonna think. So a radical concept is just let them think negative thoughts.

[Mariana]

When you said the date thing, it was actually what I did. So I've been creating content for over a Decade. And it must have been in, like, January 2012. And I said in. I posted in one month, February 1st, I'm gonna launch a blog. I had no website, I had no information. I had literally nothing. I just posted. And the reason I did that was I'm like, if I put it out there and I say I'm gonna do it, I have to do it now because I've, like, announced a date to people and it forced me to do.

[Mel Robbins]

Something, then why don't we challenge the person listening to do it? Like, you should pick a date when this is. Let's do one month from the drop of this that we're gonna challenge you as you're listening to say that one month from now, you're gonna do X. It could be anything. And the reason why this is important to do is not only because you just said it and it worked, but also because it's gonna train you to develop the skill that you're gonna need if you wanna achieve your goals, which is you have to learn how to ride that wave of emotion where you go, okay, I'm gonna let them think negative thoughts. And then you're gonna pick your photo, you're gonna write your caption, you're gonna hit send, and then you're gonna be like. And then you're gonna obsessively check the post. Ah, there's only so many likes. And, oh, my God, my friend, that was only such and such. And then you're gonna be, ah. And your emotions are gonna go bananas and you're gonna feel yourself wanting to delete it. No, let the emotions come up. Yeah, let them. And then you're gonna do the Let me part. Let me remind myself that I care about my goals. Let me remind myself that I get to post what I want on my channel. Let me remind myself that if people unfollow me, then they're probably not my people. Let me honor the fact that this is something that I really wanna do. And I'm either gonna spend my life watching other people achieve the goals that I'm capable of achieving and then slowly resenting the hell out of everybody and feeling depressed and insecure and imposter syndrome and all this other bullshit, or I'm gonna take responsibility for doing what I want and I'm gonna learn to let people have their opinions about it. Because if I'm proud of what I'm doing, that's all that matters.

[Mariana]

Yeah, you have to think of 10 years ago when I did this. Over 10 years ago, it was definitely cringe no. Everyone was like, you're starting a website, that's not what people do. So back then, for me to do that really felt like a really big step. Now, if you want to create content, it doesn't seem as daunting as maybe it did back then because I had no path to follow because we were all just trying to figure it out at the same time.

[Mel Robbins]

So is there something that you deep down kind of want to do that you're holding yourself back from doing right now?

[Mariana]

Right now? I, I'm really like that. I don't have the fear of that, like imposter syndrome. I actually, when the word started to come up, the phrase, I was like, what even is that? Because to me I just feel like if somebody else did it, why not me? So I always believe that the thing that I want to do in life I can make possible. So the first second I wanted to create content, I did. When I thought about starting a business, I just jumped on it. I didn't think like, oh, influencers don't start businesses. I just thought, oh, I have really great ideas, I'm just going to go for this thing. So I feel like my fears are more like in the personal life where I need to let them. Where, you know what I mean? So it's like that. For me, that was. But right before we were recording, we were talking about how Let Them Theory has changed your life and how you were doing this for so long and you really feel like 15 years of doing something finally became an overnight success of this. So how did the Let Them Theory change your life? And why this book? Why now?

[Mel Robbins]

It's a great question. So I like the short version of that question is that I was saying to you that there's that quote that your life changes overnight. It's just taken me 15 years to get to that night. And it's true about any success story. We look at the ending and we think, oh, wait, shouldn't I have that now? No. Anything that you want to create in life, you can, if you're willing to put your head down and just chip away at it every day and get out of bed on the days that you don't feel like it and put one foot in front of the other. I mean, that's the secret. There's nothing special about this. You and I are just willing to do what a lot of people won't, which is get out of bed and do the boring, grueling, tedious, day to day crap until we get the result that we want. That's all that success is this book, I believe, is probably the legacy that I'm gonna leave on this planet. And the reason is because I've never discovered anything that's impacted me so immediately and so deeply. And even with 21 million followers online, I have never seen anything go so immediately viral. And why are you tearing up?

[Mariana]

Oh, I'm just so happy for you to feel like you could make an impact in the world and, like, your legacy of something that's changing people's lives. Like, I get so happy for other people when I feel like they find their passion and the thing that they're excited about. And it might have taken you years to get there, or you said this thing and you posted this video online and you got such a response to it. But to be able to create something and put out into the world where you feel like you're finally living the thing that you were meant to do and that, you know, beyond your lifetime, people will be thinking about this and talking about this and teaching this to their children. It's so amazing to see other people do the thing that they were meant to do in their life. And so it's like tears of joy for you because I'm so happy that you're able to do that. And I hope that other people read this book and get so excited about the thing that you're so passionate about.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you. It's. I'm very moved. And there's something underneath that, though, because there's something that you're up to that you can taste and feel that you want to make an impact with. What is it?

[Mariana]

I feel like my work is really important to me and the things that I do and put out into the world. And so it's been crazy, I think, in my career to be able to put things out where millions of people can try something, use something, hear something, and be affected by it and how they feel and how it changes their life. And to make an impact like that. I think I used to think on a smaller scale because you have, like, a little bit of a following in some people. But when you start to impact people, when you're talking about millions of people and how it can make people feel, it's a really incredible thing. And I think the older I get, the more I think about legacy. Legacy, it's something that's so important. So now I think it's not just small scale, like posting a pretty picture of yourself. It's like, larger scale of, like, what is my lasting impact, like, what lives beyond me, what is greater than me. So I love that for you.

[Mel Robbins]

You're showing my daughters what's possible.

[Mariana]

Thank you.

[Mel Robbins]

Now, I'm their mother, so I can tell them all I want. But you're in proximity. And you're this way for your listeners where they relate to you and they look up to you, and you're being so generous with everything that you're learning, that your example demonstrates what's possible for them too. And I think that's also what's underneath your tears, is that you're in touch with the fact that you actually do have that impact on people. And it's an extraordinary thing. And for me, I had no idea how hard I was making life for myself and how much stress I was creating for myself. And I also didn't understand how much tension and friction I created in my relationships because I was trying to control other people or I felt that it was my job to make sure everybody was happy. And so learning the simplicity of actually letting people live their lives and learning how to love people as they are and choosing how much time and energy I pour into things and not has been so liberating. And if it works for somebody who used to be insecure and jealous and competitive and petty like I used to be, and it works that quickly to heal my relationship with my adult daughters. Cause here's the thing. For those of you writing in about your mom, it's easy to forget that this is your mom's first time being human, too. It's easy to forget that your mom is somebody else's daughter and she probably didn't get what she needed. It's easy to bitch about her to your girlfriends and to complain or to roll your eyes. And I know my daughters certainly have, and they use let them with me all the time. But at the end of the day, you're gonna wake up one day and she's not gonna be here. And you get to choose what you forgive. You get to choose how you show up. You get to choose whether or not you are the one that changes everything. Because that's the power that you have if you show up and you realize that what you want is a closer relationship. Learning to say letter with your mom in particular, will create the space for your mom to soften, for your mom to feel like she's done an okay job, for your mom to open her arms back up to you. Because I do think that with mothers and daughters in particular, there is this natural kind of pushing away that happens because you wanna be your own person and you think your mother's an idiot and she doesn't understand and she's annoying and embarrassing and loud and all these other things. Or maybe you're rightfully mad about things that happened in your childhood. Address it. Address it. She's not going to change, but you can if it matters to you.

[Mariana]

Amazing. Well, I feel like there's so much more I could talk to you about. I could talk to you forever. The book is so good. I'm, like, halfway through reading it. But where can we find the book? Where can we listen to you?

[Mel Robbins]

Just Google the Let Them theory.

[Mariana]

Amazing.

[Mel Robbins]

Literally, you can find it anywhere. And the cool thing is you've got the basics. You listening to this conversation, you can start saying, let them and let me. And you're gonna notice where you're standing in your own way. You're gonna notice where you've given power to other people. You're gonna notice how much time and energy you waste on things that aren't worth your time and energy. And the coolest thing is, you're gonna get all this time and energy back. And because you listen to this podcast and because you are a fan of hers, you're also getting the tools that you need and you understand the steps you can take. And with Let Them and Let Me, you're gonna stop wasting your time and energy on things that aren't worth it, and you're gonna take your power back and pour it into building the life and the relationships that you want and deserve.

[Mariana]

I also think it's a book that you can save because there's different chapters in here where there's different scenarios. So hold onto this. If you buy this, like, maybe read it once, but then also keep it, because there might be a time where it's relationships or it's work or it's a familial relationship, or you can go back to it and you're like, okay, this chapter is resonating with me today, so I think it's good to keep for now and forever.

[Mel Robbins]

And it's also an incredible. Because your sister doesn't need another sweater. She needs the tools to make her life and her relationships better. And I'd be happy to teach your sister how to do that.

[Mariana]

Amazing. Thank you so much.

[Mel Robbins]

You're welcome.

[Mariana]

Thanks so much for listening to this week's episode with Mel Robbins. I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did. Her book, Let Them, is available now anywhere where you can find books. And don't forget to subscribe to the Life with Mariana podcast. And I'll see you guys in the next episod.

[Mel Robbins]

Sat.