B (3:08)

And by that, we mean everything that makes you look and feel beautiful.

A (3:13)

We're calling on our favorite health experts, industry insiders and friends to answer all.

B (3:17)

Your beauty questions with a drink in hand.

A (3:20)

Definitely with a drink in hand.

B (3:22)

You're listening to Lipstick on the Rim with Molly Sims. I mean, I cannot believe we made it through January.

A (3:35)

By the skin of our teeth.

B (3:37)

By the skin of our teeth. Mine was on a dry January. I did four days. I lasted four days. Four days. I think I had the flu in the four days that I lasted, but it was definitely like, oh, we're back.

A (3:50)

I had dry Mondays. That was about it.

B (3:52)

Don't you think that if there was an award given of who could do the most in any given hour, we would win?

A (4:01)

I think you would definitely win. You Multitask. You wear 17 different hats at all times.

B (4:06)

I, I do wear 17 different hats at all time, which is kind of what brought us to today's episode. A friend of mine wrote a book a couple of years ago called 21 Days to Resilience. And her name is Zelana Momining. She is an amazing woman, psychologist, author, behavioral scientist. And I got sent her new book called Finding Focus Own your attention in the Age of Distraction.

A (4:36)

And I feel like we only talk about distraction with kids, but never as adults, which is why this is so welcome.

B (4:42)

It's so welcome. And we talk a lot about kids struggling to focus. We talk about get off, you know, get off that device, you know, and then you'll hear my kids like you're on your phone. I think what's so important about what Jonathan Haidt said about the anxious generation. It's not just to kids, it's to adults. But today, Emisha and I really wanted to start this conversation because I think it feels important. We want our kids to be focused, we want to be grounded, we want them to be emotionally healthy, but we also have to set that example. And I think. I don't.

A (5:24)

I don't either.

C (5:26)

And I think we need to take away the shame of that and the guilt because we live in a world that is engineered to use our attention and our focus and use it as their, you know, sort of profit margin. And it's, it's not this silent individual thing that we're dealing with. This is collective. This is literally every single one of us, including me, by the way. And I wrote the book. And you know what? Our kids can't be any of the things we want them to be if we're not that. We have to start at the top and it trickles down. And yes, it's modeling, but it also is co regulation. Our kids can't embody all of these skills, skill sets that we want them to have if we ourselves aren't doing it. Not just because we're showing them how, but also because they pull from our energy and what we're doing and what we're saying.

A (6:15)

I also think that one of the things that I've noticed is we live now in a world where we instantly expect someone to reply back to us right away. Like we have no boundaries with any of it. And so it's created. I've seen it with my own self where I've actually grabbed a book and tapped it like I think it's a screen. Because my mind is just, it's. I've already been conditioned to just always be checking to make sure. And the most eye opening thing happened this weekend for me. We went out to dinner as a family and I sit down at the restaurant and I realized that I had forgotten my phone and both my husband and my kids all looked at me and goes, oh wow, are you gonna survive? And I was like, holy shit. Like that's a. It's embarrassing, right? Cause like here I am yelling at my kids that like they're addicted and they look at me and go, you're addicted, right? And guess what? I survived two hours. And like what? I missed like a couple of notifications. Nothing earth shattering. I'm not a doctor, no one needs to reach me at all times.

B (7:19)

Well, also checking in with everyone, right? Like I'm constantly trying to. How's it Going, everything okay, like, especially within my company. And I got, literally because I want people to have access to me. I want them to be able to talk to me, to text me. But it was literally to the point of exhaustion at the end of last year.

C (7:41)

And now we have so many forms of communication. It's not just text. It's DM. It's like Slack, it's WhatsApp, it's. And we have to check all of these constant incoming. It's. It's just too much. Our nervous system is fried. We also want to be good friends and good spouses or partners and good parents. I mean, it's just. It's too much. So where, where do we draw the line? I think we have to think beyond the phone. We like to demonize the phone.

A (8:04)

It's easy.

C (8:05)

Yes. It's our dopamine hook. And we are addicted in a way that they intended us to be. I don't think they like set out for that, but they are like, companies are specifically working very hard to harness our attention and to use it as a tool for them. But I think we have to think about what is the phone, what are we escaping from? What do we use the phone? We use the phone as our pacifier. So it's not really the phone's fault per se. It's like we are trying to escape the discomfort probably of having tougher conversations or actually sitting with, you know, whatever it is that we're feeling and like, facing it so that it doesn't have so much power over us.

A (8:45)

Right.

B (8:45)

I will say I do use it to escape in the way of, like, if I have severe anxiety, like I'm going into a doctor's office and you're just like. Or I'm really starting to spiral. At 33 4am I will actually put on a podcast. I will start to read to basically not focus on the problem.

C (9:07)

But I think we have to really restructure what it means to focus. Because when, when I talk about focus, I'm not talking about focus as a productivity tool. I'm talking about focus as a way to come home to yourself. Because when we're able to give the power back to ourselves and have agency about what we attune to, what we respond to and not just react to what is actually needing our energy and attention versus just everything feels so insanely urgent, we start to feel. We come back to ourselves. We start to feel whole again.

B (9:38)

I was meeting with someone last year for advice on my company. I just said, I just feel like as a founder the house is always burning down.

C (9:49)

Yeah.

B (9:50)

And he looked at me and I was like, there's always so many problems. And he looked at me because there will always be a problem.

C (9:56)

Yeah, that's true.

B (9:57)

The house cannot always be burning down because your energy, it's not sustainable. And he was right. By the end of December, this was in March, on spring break. By December, I literally thought, I'm like, I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.

C (10:12)

Yeah. Because we can't hold this all. It's too much for our nervous system. We did not evolve to contain so much. And especially as women, we need time to regroup, to process, to. To contain. There's so much invisible and emotional labor within the work we do. And all those. What I talk about, like in between the frames, right? Like that, that stuff that's quiet, that we just go through our days, but it's all work. And it's. It doesn't mean that it's necessarily hard or painful, but it adds up, it stacks up. And that just whittles away at our sense of, well, being, our consciousness, and just our ability to show up.

A (10:49)

Right.

C (10:49)

And so when I say, like, we're all sort of burned out, like, that's sort of our baseline. We're living in this really sort of low grade fight or flight constantly because we're also. We're always fragmented. It's not that we're just grabbing our phone to escape. I mean, that's part of the piece. Or that we don't have focus. It's that we're constantly living between the physical and the digital world. And then there's this in between. And it's like, wait, what do I do with it? Like, how do I do this?

B (11:15)

You talk a lot about the book, about burnout.

C (11:17)

Yeah, I do. Because I think it has become unfortunate. Like a very normalized thing. Like, even the way you and I talk about it, it's like, yeah, burnt out.

A (11:26)

Cool. Yeah. What's up?

C (11:27)

What's up? What else is good? How's the kids? How are the kids?

B (11:30)

Our daughters are on a lot of teams together. And she's like, how's it going? She's like, I'm really stressed out. Me too.

C (11:36)

But it's like, it's not. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's normal. And burnout, so much of burnout is not just about being tired. It's when your effort doesn't necessarily match the meaning or what's coming back at you. So we have to create a life in which we're not just trying to constantly be on this treadmill. It's like where are the pockets of pause? Where is the sort of the healing within those pockets? And I call that the micro moments. It doesn't have to be big, by the way. I'm not talking about going away on a two week retreat, silent retreat, and just healing.

B (12:15)

Can you imagine if you were on a retreat? No.

A (12:18)

I mean, no. But like you said something that's so interesting and I think I wrote it down. You said we have to look at the word focus as something different. Because I think that when I think of the word focus and I think when Molly thinks of it, it means.

B (12:31)

We'Re zoned in on something and we're.

C (12:33)

Going to get through it.

A (12:33)

But I love how you said focus should be a way back to ourselves. Can you talk to that a little bit more? Because I think that's such a great way of looking at everything.

C (12:43)

Sure. I mean, and that's also why I wrote the book. I want to reframe this false narrative that focus has to be performative because so much of our as performative and doing, doing, doing, doing. This is so much less about doing and more about just being within the moments that we choose to be in. It's about being intentional about what we take on, who we allow into our energy, energy space.

B (13:05)

Well, that's big for me. Right. I, I for me and mission knows it's about me. I cannot stand people with bad energy.

C (13:11)

Was that a constant for your whole life or is this like a kind of a newer thing where you're starting to feel you have boundaries around?

B (13:17)

I mean, I think energy, I've always been strong with energy about the girlfriends that I sur with the women in my life. Like energy is definitely for me. I just get affected by it. I think the two weeks that I took off at the end of the year last year was really difficult cause I had to make some really hard decisions.

C (13:39)

And so when you slowed down, you actually were able to find that focus and attune to your needs and create whatever goals you need. And so we often, especially as women, think of slowness as laziness.

A (13:52)

Right.

C (13:52)

We equate like the pushing, the constant doing to being focused to like grittiness. And in fact that's really a false narrative. It's more about how do we take breaks effectively? Because by the way, scrolling and binge watching Netflix while buying groceries and also doing emails is not a break. Just letting y' all know our brain is still, it's still functioning. It's still trying to process and it's exhausting. And that's why even after we're just chilling or whatever, not rested, we don't reboot because we haven't. We haven't felt whole. We're still fragmented.

A (14:38)

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B (19:15)

You talk in the book about the silent pandemic?

A (19:18)

Yes.

B (19:19)

Can you explain that a little bit?

C (19:20)

Yeah. It's a silent epidemic. Our distraction like it's just become like the thing that's just fine and like, we're just cool with it. And it's not. It's not okay. It's really lethal. It's taking us not just away from, of course, like, our kids and our partners and our friendships, whatever, but from ourselves. Like, first and foremost, we run away from the trickier stuff, and it all compounds. And eventually you end up with, like, this, you know, the December feeling. And it's like, yeah, it comes and goes for you and you're so high functioning and you're able to do so much, but at what cost?

B (19:53)

It's a big goal for me this year because they are starting to be aware.

A (19:58)

Gray.

B (19:58)

Probably not aware, but, like, Brooks is starting to be aware. He's like, you're on your phone.

A (20:03)

Yeah.

C (20:03)

It's embedded into their nervous system now. And it's embedded into. And really, it's habits, Right? And a lot of habits don't serve us, but they're there because they make us feel safe or they feed something.

A (20:14)

Right.

C (20:14)

And so what we have to figure out is, like, what is the habit actually emotionally engaging us with and how can we replace it with something different or healthier? And honestly, one of the easiest things you can do to totally revolutionize your life is just not grab your phone first thing in the morning. Like, right when you wake up. I know it's really hard.

B (20:32)

I don't even know that. I don't. I don't even know that I can do that.

C (20:35)

You can and you will. You guys, just please try it. Like, just to say it's a prescription from Dr. Z. Just be like, okay. Because when you wake up, your brain is like, what? Cement, essentially, right? And over the next, like, 30 to 45 minutes, it hardens. And if you wake up in someone else's life with someone else's urgencies and someone else's emergencies hitting at you a million miles a minute, you set your day up for total frazzled distraction.

B (21:02)

I will tell you, for 30 minutes, though, I just read.

C (21:05)

Do you really?

B (21:06)

I do, every morning.

C (21:07)

But do you grab your phone first?

B (21:08)

I read off my phone.

C (21:10)

Okay.

B (21:11)

But I don't look at.

A (21:12)

Not.

C (21:12)

You don't look at.

A (21:13)

Notice. Okay, good.

B (21:13)

I mean, if someone's texting me something, but no one's texting me, really, unless she's texting me from New York. But no, I actually. And I get relaxed from it. Like, when I don't have that time.

C (21:23)

I'm like, you feel it, right? I do, but that's something that most people, like, just grab their phone and they get distracted by something or they go down a rabbit hole of something. And it's one of the easiest surefire ways to redirect yourself into a positive frame of mind, to regain. To wake up your own. You know, that feeling. You know what I'm talking about?

A (21:43)

Like, you're yourself. I agree with you on that because I actually find myself, like, I have a very specific routine in the morning. So, like, I wake up, I go downstairs, I make breakfast, I make lunch. Yeah. I get my first daughter at the door to school. I come home, I pick up the other two. Yeah. If I deviate and grab my phone in a moment of weakness because I'm distracted or I haven't. I have caught myself not realizing that I just spent 11 minutes looking at nothing.

C (22:09)

Totally.

A (22:09)

And all of a sudden I'm frazzled, freaking out that we're going to be late and I'm yelling. Exactly. And now my kids are taking on that energy. And it had nothing to do with it. It was me being an idiot. Just going, like, just, I have a minute. Well, that thing's in the oven. And now I've lost all this time. And. Yes. So my point is, I think that's an exercise I could try. I have zero reason to not be able to. You can. And you just have addicted.

C (22:34)

You just have to make it harder for yourself to grab the physical object. So you sort of. You have to trick yourself and do it over and over again for about, you know, two weeks. Ish or so. And then it'll become really simple. So instead of putting your phone by your bed, buy an analog alarm. They do exist. I just. I got one. And put your phone, like in the bathroom. And your body, your brain will automatically say, okay, that's a bit harder to get to. I'm not gonna do that right now. And so you just make yourself have to work a little harder for the bad. You know, the habits that don't serve you as well. And then you'll eventually start to reframe all of that, and it's really, really effective.

B (23:09)

You talk about focus thieves in your book, which I love.

A (23:13)

Yeah.

C (23:13)

These are the things that sort of whittle away at your. Your ability to be intentional with your space and your time and your presence. Because when I say focus, that's what I'm really meaning. I'm not meaning, like grind and be productive. You'll be productive. The point of focus is really to be intentional about what you're doing in that moment and being fully in that moment and single tasking during that moment. So when I talk about focus thieves. It could be anything. I mean, it could be, like, the simple things like picking up your phone and scrolling, but a lot of it is like trying to numb out or fixing something or, you know, fleeing whatever situation you're in. You know, it's just. It's. It's these. It's the things that pull you away from what actually matters in that moment. And that's really. That's really what I'm talking about.

B (24:01)

So I was reading the Goop. I get the Goop newsletter, and I love Gwyneth and I love her podcast, and I actually saw an article that you had written for Gwyneth, and it was talking about the year of the wood snake. And then now the year of the horse.

C (24:18)

The year of the snake was like, oof, that was a big one for everybody. There was so much shedding. And, you know, I just. I use a straw. It's just a fun thing sometimes to think about, and I love it. And it's wildly accurate. Like, I almost. As a scientist, it almost shocks me at how accurate all this stuff can be. But the year of the horse, Yeah. I mean, we have to be really, really careful because our culture glorifies momentum. So. But momentum without the core things that I'm talking about, without intention, without focused momentum, without meaning, without purpose is just exhaustion disguised, right? So this year, it's like, how do we. Because here's the thing about. About momentum is like, we. We that during the slow seasons, like, let's say, the year the snake or the shedding or whatever it is, we sort of. We take on information and we get curious. We kind of start to think about things that aren't serving us. For example, like, you. You were like, okay, is this. This is too chaotic. I'm exhausted. Whatever it is, often as humans, though, what we do is we just. We build a life on top of that instead of reframing it and actually shifting things within our life so that the question isn't like, how do we do more, how do we do better? It's more of just, how do we create a life where we're not so frazzled, where we're not just constantly running after our tail, right? And so it's really about scaffolding within that framework of using the curiosity and the information that we get during the slow seasons or, like, the year of the snake or whatever, and using that momentum in a really informed way where we're actually shifting things foundationally so that you're not ending up every time recuperating from what you think is like a year of. And it does feel successful. It does feel good. But again, at what cost? And usually it's a really silent one deep inside, you know?

A (26:10)

Yeah.

B (26:10)

I mean, listen, she knows. I mean, she's one person who can help me make decisions. I'm very decisive. But when people can't make decisions or they. It's just like that constant. It's like asking your mom over and over and over. Emma says her three kids, what are we gonna do? What's the plan? Where are we going? What are we eating? How much homework do I have? Who's picking me up? Like, that's just. That's just from being a mom.

C (26:34)

Yeah.

A (26:35)

Right.

B (26:36)

Like, I think for me, sometimes I just dream of, like, people making decisions for me.

A (26:40)

I know.

B (26:41)

I know.

A (26:41)

I.

B (26:43)

So I did a little homework myself during my reading in the morning.

A (26:47)

Okay.

B (26:47)

So here's what I read about the year of the horse, and we're going to go through them with her. Take calculated risks, embrace opportunities and make bold moves, but ensure that they are well thought out.

C (26:58)

Do you agree?

A (26:58)

Yep, I agree.

B (27:00)

Maintain momentum. Focus on consistent movement and progress rather than waiting for the perfect moment.

A (27:08)

It.

C (27:09)

I agree with, like, an asterisk. I just. I. I really caution people to avoid momentum at the sake of momentum. Just because you're moving, just because it's loud doesn't mean it's important.

A (27:19)

When we have momentum, we also have this incredible ability to not savor the moment. Right. So I think there's, like, a little bit of we need to be present in the moment, enjoying our momentum.

C (27:33)

Otherwise, that's easy.

A (27:34)

We just speed through it. It.

C (27:35)

That's my. That's exactly my point. It's like, don't be so caught up in the momentum that you miss all of it.

A (27:41)

Everything.

C (27:42)

Everything. Because you're gonna look back like, I was doing that 2016 trendy thing, whatever. And I was like, I'll do that, too. Sure, why not? That's when I wrote my first book. I had my babies, whatever. And I was like, wait, do I. There's moments where I literally don't remember what occurred within those reactions.

B (27:58)

The same thing.

A (27:59)

I'm like.

C (28:00)

And I was like, wait, did I.

B (28:01)

Really have short hair that entire year? I.

C (28:04)

But then I did remember these, like, really seemingly insignificant moments or feelings within the frames. And I was thinking, like, wow, this is what makes up a life. And I'm gonna wake up in 20 years and dream of this moment right now. And I hope, I pray that I can actually feel it and remember it. And to me, the biggest success, after researching all that I have and writing all the book and doing all the things, it's like being within the moment. Whether they're hard, whether they're fast, whatever it is, just be in them. And that's why I have such an issue with multitasking.

A (28:42)

I think it's so funny.

C (28:43)

Do we go there, Molly?

A (28:45)

No, but I think that's such a great point because I always say to myself, I have the worst memory. Like, I don't remember so much. And like my kids specifically my 11 year old has such vivid memories. And I think it's goes back to the point you just made, which is we don't, I don't remember the moments because every moment of the last 15 years, I've just been moving forward, moving forward. And so whereas my kids, who didn't have the distractions or the stress factors or whatever was going on, they actually remember those moments vividly. I mean, my daughter will remember the most random detail from something six years ago when she was five years old. And it's because she actually was present in that moment.

C (29:31)

Right? Exactly.

A (29:32)

Yes. Absorbing all, with all of her senses while I am just, I'm already like five, you know, five miles down the road.

C (29:39)

And we've normalized that in our culture, especially as women, that's sort of like what we're supposed to do. And that's incredibly unfair. And that's why so many of us suffer from brain fog as we hit perimenopause and menopause. Yes. Partly hormonal, for sure. Chemical, yes. But also we have been carrying so much and going so fast.

A (29:57)

We do carry all of it and it drives me. I'm just gonna vet for one second and I feel like most of our listeners will actually appreciate this. My husband, like, has zero concept of everything that lives in my head. And he is a phenomenal father, a present partner. But to your point, we as women, like, who's scheduling the dentist, the vaccines, the doctor's appointments, making sure we don't miss the deadlines for sports signups, camp signups, play dates, birthdays, respond invitations, buying all the gifts for the birthday party, the list goes on. And this just lives in our head. So no wonder us women are more distracted.

C (30:35)

It stacks up and no matter what, like, we take it. But we have to sort of start as women, we have to reclaim a little bit of like, how do we stabilize within that? That's why everything also feels so hard and so exhausting and why we can't remember things. We have to take those moments, what I call, like, these micro moments of focus. It doesn't have to be a big, revolutionary thing, right? It's like just one. One thing at one time, just for 5, 10 minutes can feel incredibly grounding. And then it's like you build on that, right? So it's not.

A (31:09)

So give us an example of how to do that. So I'm running around in my day. What's my. How do I figure out my micro moment?

C (31:15)

So your micro moment is turning off all the music and the podcast and everything that's incoming and giving yourself literally even 60 seconds of complete silence. I know that's really hard for most people to do.

A (31:31)

Where.

C (31:31)

And your brain is gonna keep going, and you're gonna keep going, and then you're gonna take on one thing at once. So whether it's writing down something on your to do list, you're gonna just do that one thing at that one time, but you're not also then going to grab the phone and be talking at the same time as writing and also listening to that song or that thing.

B (31:51)

You know, be on a zoom. People know I'm on a zoom. Of course I'm on a zoom with the people. And then I'll get text from, like, my assistant or, like, people who can see my calendar who know I'm on a zoom.

C (32:04)

Of course.

B (32:05)

Because you're always looking at the text while I'm on the zoom, while other people are speaking. I'm like, that is my one thing. I'm trying to. I kind of want to turn off my text on my computer. You have to, because it constantly, like, comes in and I'm like, like, oh, I'll just answer that really quickly.

C (32:21)

So that's called fragmentation, and that's what's actually depleting you the most. I say this all the time, and people are shocked by it. 23 minutes, not seconds, to actually go back to whatever it is you're doing. So what you think is like a quick, like, I'll just answer this text and it'll be fine and I'll go back to my zoom. Your brain still isn't even back.

A (32:39)

I know.

C (32:40)

So by the end of the zoom, you're like, wait, what?

A (32:42)

What.

C (32:43)

What just happened?

A (32:43)

Did I.

C (32:44)

Did I just.

B (32:44)

I always have to say, like, well, can you say that again? Clearly, the person now who works for me, Rosie, knows she's not fucking paying, like, doing 60 things, because I am.

C (32:53)

But also, you're exhausting yourself by doing that. Right? It's not. But you're not Getting more done in that moment, even though you think you are.

B (32:59)

I do do something really well on my list. Can I just tell you? Okay, so this is my year. The horse. This is the do's and the don'ts. Declutter and clean. Deep clean your home. Specifically the entrance.

C (33:11)

Yes.

B (33:11)

To remove stagnant energy and allow good luck to enter.

A (33:14)

Love it.

B (33:15)

So I'm really big into, like. Like, if I want to calm myself, I clean.

A (33:21)

Yeah.

B (33:22)

Like, if I come into the office, Shaffer will make fun of me.

A (33:26)

She's like, she'll clean what's clean, by the way.

B (33:28)

So if I'm cleaning, it's not a good sign. It's just.

C (33:32)

It's.

B (33:32)

It's not a good sign. But the cleaning makes me calm.

C (33:35)

But that's. That's. So, That's. That's what our brain needs. Our brain needs safety. Our brain needs to declutter our spaces so that our brain and our mind and our emotional ecosystem is decluttered and it all connects. Like I always say, forget vision boarding. Like, let your space be your vision board. Let your. You know, if. If your drawers are messy and cluttered, you know, it still. You might not be looking inside them all the time, but your brain is still stuck on that clutter. And so your brain feels cluttered.

A (34:02)

Yeah.

B (34:02)

Honestly, I have done so much in that house in the past six weeks, you cannot even imagine.

C (34:07)

And that's regulating for you. So that's super healthy. Like that. That is a healthy habit. It.

A (34:12)

I will say one thing that I've done that I think you could actually benefit from too, Molly, because you and I both do the same thing. We get in the car and we think it's like our mobile office. And a few times I have actually sat to what you just said, a micro moment. And I didn't really give it that name, but lately I have been in my car with no music and no phone call. And it's just a 10 minute drive. But it's weird because you realize the silence is almost jarring.

C (34:39)

It is, right?

A (34:40)

Because you're like, like. But it does. You realize you don't. I don't need to talk to somebody. I don't need to listen to Morgan Wallen. Like, I love it, but like, let me have a moment where I'm actually in silence. And I think that's something I'm gonna try to do more of. And I think, Molly, you. You get in the car and you're driving and you're doing 10 different things at once. I think it would Be an interesting test to see how you do with that.

C (35:01)

That's what I'm saying. Like even these little, little pockets, like even in the shower, I know people who turn on music and the TV and whatever. It's like be in whatever it is you're doing. And yes, it'll feel jarring at first, but your brain needs it desperately. And you'll start feeling that you're so. For some reason you won't even be able to pin it why. But like you feel rejuvenated a little bit afterwards. Like at the end of the day you're a little less tired. You're like, wait, was it really that silent 10 minute drive that did it? But yes, it did.

A (35:28)

A lot of women feel really guilty prioritizing themselves. I think it's one of those things that we've been conditioned to do and feel. How do you help them reframe focus as something essential and not selfish?

C (35:41)

I think that focus has to be about coming home to yourself. It has to be about intention. And when you're able to focus on specific things and call in and have agency over your life and you're not just reacting to everything coming at you as a woman, but you're actually choosing what you respond to. Something so powerful happens within your body that your whole family, your friends, everybody around you, it's like this beautiful domino effect. And all of a sudden you're like, wow.

A (36:10)

Wait, wow.

C (36:11)

Like I, this is you. It's almost like it's not just not selfish, it's. It's like it's the most powerful. It's sovereignty. Like it's the most important thing we can do for ourselves. But also, if you love other people around you, do it for them. Do it for them because then you'll just be much more present in those little moments. Our kids don't need a lot of us, but they just need us in those little moments.

B (36:36)

You know, we do lacrosse, we do equestrian, soccer, all of it. Emisha and I do. And a lot of times, you know, some of my favorite moments are because I get to go with one of them.

A (36:48)

Yeah, yeah.

B (36:49)

One of them in that bed, just talking and, you know, doing whatever, watching a movie, going to get something to eat. Like it's, I love it, but they love it.

C (37:02)

It imprints, it imprints on them. It imprints on you. And when they're, you know, old and we're all. And they're remembering their parents or they're, they're, you know, processing their own lives, like those little micro moments are what Stabilizes them and what they'll come home to every single time.

A (37:24)

Okay, I don't know who needs to hear this, but the I'll start holiday shopping later era is over. This is your sign to start now. And honestly, Jenny Bird has made it so painless that it doesn't even feel like holiday shopping. We've been obsessed with Jenny Bird for a while now. Their pieces are modern, elevated, and somehow work with everything. But heading into the holidays, they've become my secret weapon. Because here's the thing. Everyone loves good jewelry and everyone loves jewelry that makes them feel instantly cooler. Their collection is full of those. Guaranteed yes gifts. The bracelets, the earrings, the monogram necklaces. It's all so beautifully designed and wearable. These are the pieces people put on once and never take a off. Plus, they ship fast. Hello, last minute shoppers. I see you. And the packaging is so thoughtful, you don't even need to wrap it. It's like gifting that literally takes zero emotional energy. That might be the greatest holiday miracle of all. And if you're shopping for someone who's a little harder to pin down, your chic coworker, your best friend who's already has everything, your sister who somehow has better taste than you, this is it. Put simply, Jenny Bird is the gift that never misses. You can get 20% off your first order with Jenny Bird by visiting jenny-bird.com and using code Lipstick at checkout. I have been really intentional lately about getting more fiber and protein into my everyday meals. And honestly, the easiest change I've made is swapping in Herobread. It's such a simple upgrade to my usual bagel sandwiches, avocado toast, tacos, even our Taco Tuesday and burger night rituals. Little shifts like that actually help me hit my goals without feeling like I've given something up. Herobread is soft, fluffy and genuinely delicious. Their bagels are amazing. I've been loving them for breakfast because they have 19 grams of protein and still taste like the real deal. Most products have 0 to 5 gram net carbs per serving, 0 grams of sugar and they're high in fiber, which makes fitting things into my macros so much easier. They have got everything. Sliced bread, tortillas, buns, bagels, plus these small batch drops people go crazy for. I'm eyeing the Hero buttermilk biscuit with 1 gram net carb and 2 grams net carb. Hero Croissant. HeroBred is offering 10% off your order. Go to Hero Co and use lipstick at checkout. That's lipstickheroh e r o co hey.

C (39:33)

I'm Dr. Maya Shankar.

B (39:35)

I host a podcast called A Slight.

C (39:37)

Change of Plans that combines behavioral science and storytelling to help us navigate the.

B (39:42)

Big changes in our lives. I get so choked up because I.

C (39:45)

Feel like your show and the conversations.

B (39:48)

Are what the world needs. Encouraging, empowering, counter programming that acts like a lighthouse when the world feels dark.

C (39:59)

Listen to A Slight Change of Plans.

A (40:01)

Wherever you get your podcasts.

B (40:03)

What do you think most women our age struggle with the most?

C (40:07)

The invisible labor and the unspoken urgency. Like feeling like they need to respond to everything at all times and not knowing where to even start.

A (40:16)

Yeah.

C (40:16)

I think the antidote to that is to reclaim these little moments to ourself. But it doesn't mean away from everybody else necessarily. It just means doing one thing at one time so that honestly, it tricks our brain and our body into feeling like we are powerful again. Like we're not just. I mean, how many of us feel like we're literally just moving without any kind of grounding or being stable on this earth? Like we're just like in a million different things a million different times. We've all articulated this today. Right? It's like, it's hard to be a woman these days and to also remember that as women, we do need space to. We carry so much emotionally, and we can't just keep going a thousand miles an hour. Like, our emotions require us to face ourselves. And so we can't just numb out or keep running away from everything that's uncomfortable either.

A (41:12)

Right.

C (41:13)

And we have to face ourselves, so we have to feel whole again. And we do that by. By focusing and being able to. And not productivity. I'm not talking about performative, you know, work.

A (41:23)

No, I know.

C (41:24)

I'm talking about just the work of being human again.

A (41:27)

I think one of the things that I did that has helped me a little bit. It goes back to our boundaries and being constantly available. I would forget to respond to a text and I would then immediately when I do respond, go, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, I'm so sorry. And I think we have to stop apologizing for not. Not instantly responding to things, because to your point, then we're creating that there's no boundaries there. Right. With. With whatever. I mean, it's usually like something benign. But if, like, Molly text me, she goes, call me. I know. If she texts me, call me. I'm gonna call her. Right, right, right.

B (42:02)

Like, it's not great.

C (42:03)

Well, there's some, like, non negotiables, some friends.

B (42:06)

Example yesterday at the Celine store at the outlet, call me. It was really important.

A (42:12)

It was really. It was very. It was life changing. But I think that not apologizing, like, I think we're so conditioned to apologize to people for not being instantly available. And that is like a domino effect that ends now.

C (42:23)

Can we all just make that a collective thing that we just end. Because texts are no longer. Because, again, communication has evolved. Text used to be like, oh, my God, I have to respond immediately. Because we didn't get that many of them. We used to get emails and calls. Now nobody really email. Like, it's all text. It's all DM, it's all WhatsApp slab, blah, blah. You have to teach people how to approach you and what your edges are. You're not available after whatever time. You don't respond to a thing unless it is a true emergency. And you know what that is. And there are. There are very few. Right? So, yes, teach. Train people how to approach you and what you're available for and what you let in. That's focus.

A (43:03)

And don't apologize for it.

C (43:04)

And I think. Stop right now apologizing.

B (43:07)

I also think what's really important. Emerson is very good at this. You know, you and I had a hard year because we were out of our house, out of our community. Everybody is everywhere. But social connection is huge.

C (43:18)

Huge, Huge, huge, huge. We've completely lost touch with the true meaning of community. And I think you and I have had. I mean, I can't speak for you, but I mean, I can say for myself, this was a horrendously painful year for so many people. But the community that has come out of it, the generosity, the connection is. Is so profound. And it has sort of like reignited this deep understanding and knowing, like you were saying, protecting who's around you, your energy. Like, it is so important to maintain those connections and that they don't feel like they're eroding something within you. But also making the effort to stay connected is critical.

A (43:58)

Staying connected is huge.

C (43:59)

It's huge.

B (44:00)

I mean, we have learned it this year about community.

A (44:03)

If.

B (44:03)

I mean, it's just. It is everything. Especially as you get older. You have children.

C (44:08)

Oh, my gosh, yes.

B (44:08)

Or you don't. And you have single friends who come into that village in that community. But that is. I've never.

C (44:15)

You know, true female friends are such a gift and such a gem. I could cry thinking about it. But I think that. I think the problem with the way we function is we mistake connections and these, like, surface connects with actual community. And that's not what we're talking about here. Because actually we're the loneliest generation and yet we're the most connected than any other generation. And so many of us are so deeply lonely because we confuse like the likes and the comments and the texting. For real. Nothing can replace sitting in a room with someone and exchanging that chemistry and, or discomfort or whatever friction that exists between humans that you talk through and laugh and connect and co regulate together. We need each other.

B (45:02)

Zelana, you're amazing, amazing, amazing. We always, always ask every guest before they go, if you could give advice to your 10 year old self, what would it be?

C (45:10)

Oh, my gosh. Stop rushing through things. Overachieving, trying to get it all done, like in. Just live in those moments and enjoy the process of it all. Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.

B (45:25)

You know, you talk a lot about the book. I'm always like, more doesn't mean better. And like skincare.

C (45:29)

More, more, more, more.

B (45:30)

But I think more is the same thing.

C (45:32)

Yeah, totally, totally. More.

B (45:34)

Not.

C (45:35)

Yeah, yeah. You can't just pile things on top of a system that isn't working. You have to fix the foundational system first and then scaffold from there and be flexible. Like, you don't have to hold it all and do it all yourself either. I learned that over time.

B (45:51)

Flexibility. Yeah.

C (45:53)

Yeah.

B (45:53)

Also having people help you.

C (45:56)

I had to learn how to ask for help. Help.

A (45:57)

That's really hard.

B (45:59)

Work smarter, not harder.

C (46:00)

I got this. I got this. And I got your stuff too. And that and that.

B (46:03)

Feel better? I feel like at therapy we're going to be kinder to ourselves. We're going to stop wearing burnout as a badge of honor.

C (46:11)

Yes.

B (46:12)

You're amazing, you guys. Everyone follow Zelana on Instagram @Dr.period.z e L A N A Finding focus. It's out now. Own your attention. In an age of distraction and also 21 days.

C (46:32)

Yeah. To resilience.

B (46:33)

Resilience. It's like, I read the book, I did it. It's very hard, but it's super important.

A (46:38)

Yeah. Thank you.

C (46:39)

Thank you so much for having me.

A (46:40)

This was such an enlightening episode. Thank you genuinely.

C (46:44)

Thank you for your great questions and your honesty. Yeah.

B (46:46)

It's almost like survival, but it's hard to.

A (46:49)

To.

B (46:49)

It's just hard to maintain. It's hard to.

C (46:52)

Well, you have a big, beautiful life and it's time we really live in it, you know?

A (46:56)

Yeah. I think that's such a great way of summing it up. Yeah.

B (47:00)

I agree, and we all do. Being in that moment, there are nine children between us.

C (47:05)

That's wild.

B (47:05)

That's wild.

C (47:06)

That is wild. And they're watching.

B (47:08)

And they're watching.

A (47:09)

I know they're watching. I think that's the biggest takeaway for me is I can't get mad at them for bad behavior when that's what I'm modeling.

B (47:17)

Zelana, you're amazing.

C (47:18)

Thank you, guys.

A (47:20)

Thank you.

C (47:20)

Finding focus.

B (47:21)

It's so good. Every person needs this book in your life. I've said about two books, the Anxious Generation and this one. It's so amazing.

A (47:30)

Find time to focus on finding your focus. Exactly.

C (47:33)

Yes.

B (47:34)

All right. Well, guys, we will see you next week. Thank you. Thanks for listening to Lipstick on the Rim with Molly Sims and My Ride or Die. Emisha Gormali. We are so excited to bring you guys along on this journey journey with us. You can find us on Instagram and TikTok at Lipstick on the Rim and Molly B. Sims. Or you go to my blog where you can dive just a little bit deeper into my favorite products, trends and more@mollysims.subsack.com don't forget to check out our video episodes on my YouTube channel, Molly Sims. This podcast is production with Sony Music. I wanted to give a special thanks to my team, Rosie Cummings, Ken Orion, Sophie Kevorkin and everyone at Sony Music. Don't forget to listen and follow wherever you get your podcast so you never miss out on the fun.