“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” - Oscar Wilde

Like millions of others, I was hit hard by the tragic news that dominated this week’s news headlines. As I cycled through alternating waves of shock, grief, and curiosity, going down a wormhole of Kobe’s life, I was suddenly struck by an overwhelming, uneasy sense of my own impending mortality. If someone like Kobe - who had the accomplishments, the wealth, and the adoration of millions of fans - could not achieve immortality, what chance did I have?

A chill ran down my spine, “I am going to die.” I thought helplessly. ‘Just like every other human being on this earth, I am also going to die.’ This is the one fight over which I have absolutely no control - that no one can control - and in a weird way it made me feel grateful for my life, connected to every other human who ever lived, dreamed, loved, and died.

I don’t know if anyone is ever truly ready for death, but I do know that we are all hurtling towards the same destination at a rate of 60 min/hour, whether we like it or not. As they say:

“Life’s a wild ride, and none of us are getting out of here alive.”

There’s a common thought experiment, ‘If you had only one year left to live, what would you do?’ Often though, our reckless answers to this question would be unrealistic for a sober day-to-day existence that must take into consideration longer term consequences. So I adjusted it and asked myself:

If you only had five years left to live, what would you do differently?

Five years is an interesting length of time because it’s still long enough to accomplish something significant, long enough that you have to consider medium-term implications of your actions, but short enough that you tangibly feel the urgency.

I want to invite you to take a moment to consider this question for yourself, and if you feel so inclined, I’d love to hear your thoughts in this discussion thread:

My own answer to this question surprised me. It took a few days to articulate it because I had to allow my labels to fall back and differentiate between ‘Is my ego speaking or is my true spirit speaking?’ And it came out in a waterfall of thoughts that I shared with my best friend over text. While I considered editing this, I thought it’d be more powerful to share in its raw form.

A text to my best friend:

“The first things that occurred to me is what I would stop.... and I started crying when I realized this, weirdly I’m crying now as I type this...

I would stop pushing so hard, I would stop fighting against the world - like OMG I fight and push myself so hard - and for once I’d like to just give myself a break and just enjoy life… and this made think, fuck do I even enjoy life? or am I running through it, fighting some imaginary competitor for some imaginary prize? And I’m so, SO tired.

…and then I thought, Who am I trying to prove something to? Why do I always need to prove something, that I’m better, faster, stronger? First, I would let this part of me go, I think. And focus on letting love in, on savoring things like amazing bites of food, traveling to awesome places, watching incredible movies with people I loved who would want to talk about them after, and dissect the themes, and how it makes them think about their own life.

I would find time each day to read phenomenal books, especially ones that had withstood the test of time - and ideally I’d have someone to discuss it with after as well.

I would just learn, and grow and enrich myself with incredible stories... through books, movies, as well as with other fuck yes people.

I would take less pictures, maybe just have a Polaroid so that each picture has more meaning… I would take more short videos so I could relive especially great moments. (Essentially, I’d be recording moments for my own joy and not for social media)

I would stop putting up with bullshit and just leave if something wasn’t bringing me joy, I would be very protective of my time - who I give it to, no more “coffee to pick your brain,” I would really ignore all the fuckboys and anyone who is playing around. I would not put up with disrespect in any form. Instead I would seek people out who believed in respect, kindness, depth, and have a similar sense of wonder, and way of living life.

I would take more mushrooms and just stare at the sky and hold hands with my partner.

I would immediately throw out the majority of my stuff, clothes, anything that didn’t bring me joy and redecorate my room so every day I would come home and it would be beautiful and airy and me! I would write in my gratitude journal AND my self love journal at the little alter of life I would erect at the side of my bed, and actually mean and feel what I was truly grateful for in the world and in myself.

I would get up early to catch the sunrise, nap in the middle of the day, and have incredible long dinners full of wine and cocktails. I would always be warm (no more cold weather).

I think if I left one book that affected people long after I died, and started a school that helped thousands of children - and made a contribution to how people thought about their lives, helped them live a bit more free and happier, I’d feel I made my mark… But even if that didn’t happen, I would want to live a life where I felt truly enriched and that I had made a positive impact on those I spent time with.

I guess what I’m really getting at and what I’ve known deep down already is that, happiness for me lies in my freedom - to grow, explore, live unencumbered by so many societal things I feel weighted down by now.

And perhaps in writing this whole thing, I’ve just realized that I need to make some major changes... starting with throwing out all the things in my room that are making me unhappy, to create room in my life to read, write, and just be warm.”

How would you live differently if you only had five years to live?

🎧 GLOW Episode 15: Healing From Tragedy

On this week’s Global League of Women Podcast, I talk to renowned holistic health coach Beth Nydick about why it can feel so shameful to be vulnerable - especially as we become more successful in your career - and why ultimately, we must embrace it as the first step towards healing.

Listen on Apple Podcasts // Spotify

#SHOUTOUTS

Thank you to those who reached out to me personally last week to support and to the ladies who shared on The GLOW’s self-love challenge call! I’m so grateful for you! ❤️

Kim S., Sandra C., Jonny B., Kelley B., Bill M., Irene S., Kim G., Linda L., Ekow M., Billy S., Gregory H., Christy R., Jon M., Neeta M., Nicole B., Elizabeth H., Stacey C., Lorna D., Nadine C., M F S., Ariana A-S., Kate M., Liz H., Genevieve K., Youna Y.,

~ Lisa Carmen Wang, Founder & CEO, The GLOW

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