June 1991 Teen Life: Chilling Out, Quitting Church & Going To Antarctica

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s

Episode: June 1991 Teen Life: Chilling Out, Quitting Church & Going To Antarctica

Release Date: October 28, 2025

Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Tara, Pam, and Dave take a deep-dive into the June 1991 issue of Sassy magazine, discussing notable features—including the controversial “It’s a Black Thing” (written by a white author), a teen’s Antarctic adventure, teen relaxation tips, relationship advice, friendship dilemmas, coping with headaches, and more. As always, the hosts infuse their sarcastic wit, perspective, and nostalgia for ‘90s teen culture, offering both criticism and affection for the magazine that shaped a generation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sassy’s Summer Vibes and Classic Yearbook Feels ([02:42])

• The June 1991 issue’s “spine line” is classic end-of-yearbook: "You are too good to be forgotten. Love ya! Write me at camp!!!"
• Summer’s coming and Sassy is "swimsuits galore," but features in the issue are more mixed.

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2. Feature Review: "It’s a Black Thing" ([03:10]–[06:26])

• Hosts critique Sassy’s decision to run a feature about Black experiences, written by a white author, and recognize the lack of editorial diversity at the magazine.
  • Tara: "Maybe you should hire one person of color, because they haven't. As of this issue." ([02:55])
  • Pam: "It’s very like, 'I’m doing my part. This is why reverse racism—' you’re like, no, no, no, no, no." ([04:17])
  • Tara points out problematic author lines, e.g., a white girl writing: "I feel more acutely than I ever have, as though I'm being prejudged by the color of my skin."
• The hosts note the feature covers important issues but lacks necessary perspective and depth:
  • "There’s intentions and there’s execution. And this is often the issue with the bummer features in this magazine—biting off more than you can chew...with no one experienced to guide it." ([05:16])
  • Dave: Reflects how, today, articles would emphasize "the low level sense of dread...that everything is wrong and you can't do anything about it. That's only new to you, right?" ([06:11])

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3. Youth Relationships: "How to Be a Couple" ([06:39]–[08:12])

• The article uses a quirky analogy: "Being in a couple is just like eating a frozen scroll banana. When you see other people doing it, you want to do it too. It's not until you take a bite that you realize how hard it is."
  • Tara: "Love that analogy. I thought that was really funny." ([07:11])
• Ultimately, the feature is a "snooze," with generic relationship advice: "Here’s the good parts of being together, here are the bad parts. Anyway, bye." ([07:28])
• Hosts comically speculate on the outcome for the teen couples but doubt any stayed together.

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4. Adventure Feature: "The Last Clean Place on Earth" ([08:37]–[15:21])

• Pam knows the author, Amy Turner, who journeyed to Antarctica (not sent by Sassy, but with a family).
• Key travel anecdotes:
  • Four days to get there, four days back; 17 days in a tent.
  • Extreme cold! The sun never sets in Antarctic summer.
  • The practicality and grossness of “packing out” one’s waste due to the lack of bacteria—"everything goes in the bag, and the bag goes on the plane." ([14:23])
    • Tara: "You can't leave any waste there because there's no bacteria to break it down." ([14:23])
    • Pam: "A third suitcase, I suggested." ([14:32])
    • Dave: "If you're bringing an extra suitcase just for poops, just poop right in the suitcase." ([14:45])
• The hosts have zero interest in visiting Antarctica, repeatedly referencing the dangers, discomfort, and lack of bathrooms:
  • Tara: "The degree to which I would never even consider doing this is, like, off the charts." ([12:41])
• For the adventurous: “If you want to pack out your own poop from Antarctica, do that at home.” ([15:09])

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5. Sassy’s List: "26 Cheap and Effective Ways to Chill Yourself Out" ([15:46]–[18:42])

• The list reads with striking similarity to pandemic-era advice (e.g., baking bread, watching TV).
  • Tara: "I watched bad tv. Oh, like Tiger King." ([16:08])
• The hosts critique the Editor-in-Chief’s (Jane's) own calming tips:
  • Pam: "Jane’s is the most annoying, hands down." ([16:15])
  • Jane’s list: massage, chamomile tea, macrobiotic food, painting, fixing furniture, watching scary movies, sauna, talking to Keanu pictures.
  • Pam: "That is why we have Goop...You gotta be careful what you put out there, you get Goop." ([17:04])
• Discuss music, including rare bands (Trash Can Sinatras) and the bravery of exposing one’s music taste to younger generations.

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6. Short Takes: Fiction, Health, and Life Skill Features

Fiction Story: "Plucking Friends" ([21:33]–[24:08])

• Unmemorable story about friendship, prom/boyfriend drama, and veiled parental homophobia.
  • Tara: "The story’s dumb. Let's keep going." ([24:08])

Health Snippet: Headache Triggers ([24:32]–[28:41])

• Foods that allegedly cause headaches: bananas, caffeine, cured meats, chocolate, etc.
  • Dave: "Pizza sauce doesn’t hang off your face." ([38:40])
  • Tara shares her lived experience with headache diagnosis/treatment, noting that "now there are drugs that treat [headaches], which there weren’t at the time. And it’s a better world in that respect." ([26:32])
  • Dave invents "a hard hat baseball helmet" cooler idea for headache sufferers; leads to jokes about stacking books for relief. ([27:14])

Random Facts & Quizzes

• 39% of 14-year-olds can’t do a pull-up. Not a single host can either. ([32:30])
  • Pam: "I drive a Dodge Stratus and I hip thrust 200 pounds 10 times the other day. Can't do one pull up." ([33:04])
• Average American took 15,000 steps daily, per 1991—hosts debunk this using their own fitness trackers. ([29:11])

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7. Help! Column: Classic Teen Dilemmas ([38:03]–[40:41])

• Food phobia: Embarrassment eating in front of boyfriend—advice is just “you have to eat.”
  • Dave’s pet peeve: "Pizza sauce doesn’t hang off your face. Cheese does!"
• Sibling problems: Girl’s older brother relentlessly flirts with her friends.
  • Pam: "Tell your parents. Tell their parents. Tell all." ([39:24])
  • Dave jokes: "He got bit by a radioactive stud." ([39:24])
• Nutrient of the Month and Sassy Glossary (linguistic goofs).

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8. “You Wrote” / Letters Section ([41:03]–[43:25])

• The poetry and quotations section is now thin, and mostly filled with borrowed content (Wayne Gretzky, Salinger, and others).
  • Tara: "You miss all the shots you take. Wayne Gretzky, Michael Scott." ([41:03])
• Amy Wu’s poem inspires extended host riffing: "I was the runner, she was the taco girl." ([42:39])
• Katie from the Bronx asks about White House mail; hosts joke, "These days, no, it's occupier." ([43:13])

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9. Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the handling of sensitive stories:
  "There's intentions and there's execution… You're biting off more than you can chew."
  —Tara Ariano ([05:16])

• On the Antarctica diary:
  "The degree to which I would never even consider doing this is, like, off the charts."
  —Tara ([12:41])

• On the “chill out” list:
  "You gotta be careful what you put out there. You get Goop."
  —Pam ([17:04])

• On ‘90s health advice:
  "All of the onus of this is on you to police your own behavior...and you know, you don't hear a lot about these recommendations of headaches anymore because now there are drugs that treat it."
  —Tara ([26:32])

• On not being able to do pull-ups:
  "I drive a Dodge Stratus and I hip thrust 200 pounds 10 times the other day. Can't do one pull up."
  —Pam ([33:04])

• On Sassy’s editorial process:
  "Pizza sauce doesn't hang off your face. Cheese can drip off your face, baby. And that's even pretty hard to do."
  —Dave ([38:40])

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Noteworthy Segments & Timestamps

• [02:42] — Introduction to the June ‘91 issue & yearbook/classic Sassy vibes
• [03:10] — Discussion of "It’s a Black Thing" feature critique
• [07:11] — “How to be a Couple” and the frozen banana analogy
• [08:37] — Antarctic adventure: practical, personal, and hilarious
• [15:46] — “26 Cheap and Effective Ways to Chill Yourself Out” & pandemic/Goop comparisons
• [21:33] — Fiction feature: "Plucking Friends"
• [24:32] — Headache triggers and health culture of the ‘90s
• [29:11] — Step-tracking then vs. now
• [32:30] — Teenage fitness: the great pull-up fail
• [38:03] — Help! column: food phobia, sibling drama
• [41:03] — “You Wrote” section: poetic tangents and borrowed quotes

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Tone & Style

• Sarcastic, loving, gently critical—always keeping the wit and affection for Sassy’s pivotal role clear.
• Numerous callbacks, Gen-X inside jokes, and playful bickering.

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Final Thoughts

This episode masterfully blends deep ‘90s nostalgia with sharp, present-day insight about representation, teen angst, and changing cultural norms. From dissecting Sassy’s editorial missteps to the hilarious logistics of pooping in Antarctica, the hosts offer a witty, candid retrospective that’s both affectionate and pointed.

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Next Episode Teaser

"Pop Culture Topics of the June 1991 Issue: Richard Grieco and Morrissey reviewed, River Phoenix profiled, Winona Ryder spotted, and more!" ([43:25])

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Transcript

[Tara]

Hey, guys.

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[Tara]

Meet Cherry Mary Muffin. She cooks sweet and looks sweet and smells sweet too.

[Pam]

Cherry Merry Muffin.

[Tara]

Look, her muffin mix turns into a table. And this is a special oven.

[Pam]

Cherry Muffins, what a great kitchen. It's Cherry Mary Muffins Kitchen.

[Tara]

She cooks sweet and looks sweet and smells sweet too.

[Pam]

Cherry Mary Muffin doll and her Kitchen Fun play sets, each sold separately. New from matte.

[Dave]

It is June 1991. The bones of the 12th President of the United States, Zachary Taylor, are dug up to check for arsenic poisoning. Those tests come back negative, but mostly because they couldn't meaningfully recreate the scenario because the skeleton was having a hard time holding the cup. But you don't care too much about all that because three neighborhood cats have gone missing this week. You also accidentally let your pet boa constrictor Reggie loose a week ago. Coincidence? Probably not. Your snake probably ate those cats. Jesus Christ, you're in a lot of trouble. Someone finds out. I guess it's time to. All right, what does the intro and the one piece of factual information from the intro have in common? Cherry Mary muffin doll from 1989. Commercial 3 to 91. And the bones of Zachary Taylor being dug up to check for arsenic poisoning.

[Pam]

Was his wife named Cherry Mary Muffin Mix?

[Dave]

Close. She was Banana Fanna. That's where that comes from.

[Tara]

Was it suspected that cherries were the culprit in his poisoning?

[Dave]

Zachary Taylor loved a big bowl of cherries, so.

[Tara]

Oh, right.

[Dave]

The cherries could have led to his. And that has been American cherry history.

[Tara]

Thank you.

[Pam]

My muffin mix brings all the boys to the yard.

[Dave]

Sure.

[Tara]

This issue of June 1991, with the spine line, you are too good to be forgotten. All with, you know, letters and digits. Love ya. Write me at camp. Three exclamation marks. Classic yearbook inscription. Because it's the end of the school year, summer is almost almost here. You can certainly tell in sassy because it's swimsuits galore. There's not much to celebrate in the features, as usual. Let's start with feature number one. It's called. It's a black thing, and it is written by a white author. And Kim and I feel like getting pitched this story, if you're the editor of this magazine, is the moment you realize maybe you should hire one person of color, because they haven't. As of this issue, what follows is a lot of opinions about. I like rap music and I wish I were more welcome in black spaces. Which is like, this is not how you are an ally to anyone, really. You don't make the story about how people are making you feel unwelcome. You consider, why am I unwelcome? And should I maybe stay out of these spaces? Perhaps. But she interviews one group of black activists in New York and draws a lot of conclusions that are probably very spurious because they're very limited in scope. Would you agree with this assessment?

[Pam]

Yeah, I would agree with this assessment. It is very like, I'm. I'm doing my part. This is why reverse racism. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And also, I feel like she's like, why are they so hostile? I have to imagine they were told it's hard a teen magazine wants to sit down and talk with you about your movement. And they're like, okay, okay. She's like, why do they seem so suspicious?

[Tara]

I'll also say, just from the editor's perspective, if your turn. If you receive a story in which someone writes, I feel more acutely than I ever have, as though I'm being prejudged by the color of my skin. And the author is a white girl from Texas. Do her a solid cut. That line, tell her why you are cutting makes her look like a dumb ass. Like, this is clearly all coming from laudable intentions. Like, she really does want to understand she's just going about it the wrong way and is the wrong person to write this story. She touches on a lot of stuff that she doesn't get into enough detail about, like, you know, a protest against the murder of a black teen in Brooklyn. And this is also still an ongoing story, even to our day, actually, so we'll link that in the show. Note the case in question revolves around Yusuf Hawkins and reported the person who was convicted of his murder is saying that the testimony he was convicted on was all largely recanted and was coerced. But there's intentions and there's execution. And this is often the issue with the bummer features in this magazine where it's like you're biting off more than you can chew. And no one has the experience to sort of guide these stories in a way that they're gonna work out properly.

[Dave]

Here. Here's how you write the story now. I mean, I don't mean like, this is how you fix it.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

But if you were to write this story now, it is, you know, in the past few years, that low level sense of dread you have every day that everything is wrong and you can't do anything about it. That's only new to you, right?

[Tara]

Exactly. Yeah. Basically.

[Pam]

Our next feature, how to be a couple.

[Dave]

Find someone else. Step one.

[Pam]

Step one. This is by Karen in the. The pullout copy. I don't ever know what this is called. What's it called? Thank you. When you pull out with your deck. Thank you. Being in a couple is just like eating a frozen scroll banana. When you see other people doing it, you want to do it too. It's not until you take a bite that you realize how hard it is.

[Tara]

Love that analogy. I thought that was really funny.

[Pam]

She was clearly eating a frozen banana minutes before beginning to write. Because this does not come up quickly when one thinks about being at a couple.

[Tara]

No, it. It's not. This article is kind of a snooze. She's talked to three couples and they're like, here's the good parts of being together and here are the bad parts. And here's some stuff we fought about. Anyway, bye. And that's the. There's that sort of it.

[Pam]

Yeah. I don't. I tried to be a very good docs hound, but I was unsure if any of these people were who. I looked up and, you know, I'm not on LinkedIn, so I do get that's. That's the firewall, you guys. If you have real jobs back in.

[Dave]

The cage, Pam keeps you in when we're not using you. Doc town. Pam, how could you?

[Pam]

Well, I tried my best.

[Dave]

It's a working dog. It's just the way it is.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

I'm just saying, I don't think any of these people. I don't think it worked out.

[Tara]

Probably not.

[Pam]

Probably not.

[Dave]

They're like that couple from the Billy Joel song about the Italian restaurant. You know that song, Frozen Bananas?

[Pam]

Harder than parentheses Harder than you think.

[Tara]

M.

[Pam]

Feature number three. Here it is, the last clean place on earth. And here it is, an article written by my friend Amy Turner. I immediately took a screenshot and sent it over to Amy, and I was like, guess where we are. We're in Antarctica with you. So I did get. We did ask Amy a couple of inside questions and encouraged her to call the hotline to give us her take on everything, but she had not read it in a very long time. Amy gets a present from a family member that Sassy pounces on. Let's be clear. Basically, Sassy did not send her here. Amy is sent to Antarctica, where she takes her Sassy magazine and it tells us all that it takes to get to. Is it the coldest place on Earth is recorded?

[Dave]

The coldest place on Earth? I don't know how averages work, but I'm gonna guess it's one of the coldest.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah. She said she was there during what is their summer time. So it was technically pretty balmy. And I also remember I was trying to figure out. I feel like I read somewhere that more than half of the people that try to get to Antarctica aren't successful because of weather or things. There's one reason which is like.

[Dave]

Wait, what things?

[Pam]

Yeah, well, things that aren't weather.

[Dave]

Oh, I see.

[Pam]

One of which is there's only so many people allowed on Antarctica at once. And so if your boat has too many people and they already have, like, a bunch of scientists, turn around, get back on your nine planes.

[Dave]

We know that part of Antarctica that has the. You know, the arm that sort of swings up towards South America. At the very tip of that, there's a Take a number machine.

[Pam]

And you must be this cold to ride Antarctica.

[Dave]

That's right.

[Pam]

It's a different sign.

[Dave]

Testicles must be this small.

[Pam]

Tara asked, because Tara asked, where is she from? What's the coldest temp she's experienced? Prior to this, I asked Amy. She said, I'm from LA but was living in New York City. So the cold. This was probably 10 degrees once. So this is pretty cold. And the sun never went down while they were there because they were there at the summertime. What else do you want to talk about in this article? Did you learn things, Tara, about getting to Antarctica?

[Tara]

Can I be honest? I feel like I already knew a lot about this because I read. Where did you go, Bernadette? Which is about someone going to. Where have you gone? Whichever it's called. So I. But I was surprised that you can. You can still go. It seems like something that should not be allowed.

[Pam]

All I know about Anarch, I learned from Roxane Gay going and writing about it.

[Dave]

So all I learned about Antarctica was from the movie the Thing, which is why I don't go. I don't Want to get assimilated by an alien life form.

[Tara]

Yeah. And you've said that you're on the record.

[Dave]

Everybody knows very much in the ante when it comes to that camp.

[Tara]

But, Pam, you put in our doc that you're glad you read this, because otherwise, Jason, your husband, would be able to convince you to go. Is this something he has been lobbying for or just something you think is the sort of thing he would want to do?

[Pam]

Well, part of our vows were on this and all other continents. And so there is a bit of a. Like, which ones haven't either of us touched? And it is Antarctica.

[Tara]

Right?

[Dave]

Wait, okay, so you've thought this out on the continent. How high in your agreement with Jason is the airspace above the continents? Because you could just fly over it.

[Tara]

Maybe that's true.

[Pam]

I have air rights in my marriage carved out. Yeah, that's a good point. This. I even. I. Even though Amy sent pictures of being with dogs in her tent, which is the closest, I would be like, okay, if I get to sleep on. And with dogs, maybe. But no, this is so. She's even, like, lost in the snow at one point, and there's like, maybe gonna be. If they don't find camp immediately, they could maybe be stuck in the ice for weeks, waiting out a storm. This is terrifying. This is Stephen King level. This is a frozen island.

[Dave]

They're not even doing anything fun.

[Tara]

No, they're just walking.

[Dave]

Walking around in the tundra, blinding their retinas.

[Tara]

The degree to which I would never even consider doing this is, like, off the charts. But if somehow I ended up there, I would never go further from camp than I could see. Like, I just. It just wouldn't.

[Pam]

I'd be in a building. I'd be like, give me your building, and I will be in here, and then I'll look out the window, I'll step on the porch, coffee goes to.

[Dave]

Antarctica immediately, starts a siege warfare situation with the American research building.

[Pam]

I'll volunteer with the scientists. Like, give me a pipette or whatever.

[Dave]

You need to do.

[Pam]

I'm not going outside.

[Dave]

That, by the way, was a great way to convince them.

[Pam]

It's a safe thing to hand me, I think. I don't know what else they're doing.

[Tara]

The other thing is, it's seven. You know, there's a picture of her tent, and she. It's captioned my home for 17 days, which, like, seems too long. I mean, I know you take. It takes four days just to get there and another four days to get back. So by the time you get there, you want it to be worthwhile. But, like, that's 17 days of the same thing.

[Pam]

She took her sassy from New York to Miami to Santiago to Punta Arenas, Chile, to Antarctica. And that in Chile, you just wait for a call, like, with all your stuff packed, and then they're like, now Antarctica will see you.

[Tara]

Now pass.

[Pam]

Ugh. None of the people said. Because she said. Did you get to the part where we had to take all our shit back on the plane?

[Tara]

Well, they.

[Pam]

I. Yeah, yeah, she said. I just heard it in my head as tampons. Because we're reading this, and I just thought she was like, I was on my period in the Arctic and so I had to save all these tampons. But no, it's poop. She must have. She must have Tara'd it.

[Tara]

Hey. Yes, I figured that out. Because they say you can't leave any waste there because there's no bacteria to break it down. So I assume, like, everything goes in the bag, and the bag goes on the plane.

[Pam]

Yes. A third suitcase, I suggested.

[Tara]

And then when you go to the airport, you're walking through the terminal, you just drop it in any bag. Any. Any can that's handy.

[Dave]

Wait a second.

[Pam]

Do you have anything to declare?

[Dave]

If you're bringing an extra suitcase just for poops, Just poop right in the suitcase.

[Tara]

You've cracked it right open. Pollock. So you do you.

[Pam]

Poop case. But she did have to use an igloo toilet.

[Tara]

Yeah, well, there's a picture of that.

[Dave]

I do that too, but it's igloo. The cooler saves valuable minutes on road trips.

[Tara]

Well, hopefully we'll hear more directly from Amy, but we'll put the link in the show notes if all any of this is appealing to you. If you want to pack out your own poop from Antarctica, do that at home.

[Pam]

You know, we love all your stories, but there's none too gross, apparently. So how did your Antarctica go?

[Tara]

That's true.

[Dave]

Yeah. What's the warmest and coldest your poop has been? 727. Go.

[Pam]

We're still featuring. And now we are at our 26 cheap and effective ways to chill yourself out.

[Dave]

Number 26.

[Pam]

This list will give you a pandemic PTSD, because it's everything that we just started doing. It's. It kicks off with I. I make some bread. Like, oh, no, this wasn't. We had.

[Tara]

I watched bad tv. Oh, like Tiger King. Yeah.

[Pam]

Jane's is the most annoying.

[Tara]

Yeah. James is the most annoying, hands down.

[Pam]

Oh, the. The subject is. I Have a whole list. But then she says Kim thought it was really funny. I could jot down this long list of stress relievers in, like, seconds. But in the three plus years since I've been Ed in chief of this thing, I've gotten it down to a science. Here are my top 12, Dave. That's why there's so many. Getting a massage, drinking chamomile tea, eating macrobiotic food, which for some reason makes me feel almost too calm.

[Dave]

Yeah, she's got warm poop, painting and.

[Pam]

Fixing furniture, procrastinating before pouring myself into whatever I'm stressed about. Watching scary movies, taking a sauna, writing in my journal, talking to myself, talking to my pictures of Keanu, praying, crying. I still want to try acupuncture. And that is why we have goop.

[Tara]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pam]

It came birthed into the world. You got to be careful what you put out there. You get goop.

[Tara]

Yeah. I don't think anything on this was really like, oh, I gotta try that.

[Pam]

You mean there's nothing you hadn't tried on this list? Yes. Wouldn't it be weird if you were like, oh, I never thought about tea.

[Tara]

Right. Yes, exactly. Eating macrobiotic food, I guess, is something that I haven't done and don't plan to.

[Pam]

Why would you?

[Dave]

Oh, sometimes I slip some into what I make. You?

[Pam]

Yeah. You've accidentally had macrobiotics.

[Tara]

That's true. I probably have.

[Pam]

It comes in the good stuff.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Yeah. The hardest thing would be watching American Gladiators or Star Search. You'd have to go look to do that one. Christina mentions listening to Trash Can Sinatra. She spells it like it's three words. That's fine. I'll allow it. Because Trash Can Sinatras is a band so rare. I think sometimes I made it up and I listen to the tape all the time. So thanks for this sassy deep dive again. I learned that the lead singers still like making songs. Put out a solo album. Was just down the street a couple years ago performing. So just like Toad the Wet Sprocket. If you were into Strummy Strummy Lala Boys singing to you in the dark. John Douglas has some music for you and so does Glenn Phillips.

[Tara]

Sidebar about music I was volunteering on Saturday and no one was playing music on the speaker. So I very bravely put on my playlist from my phone and was like, oh, God, all of these young people are gonna know what my music sounds like. Fortunately, none of it was too bad until a track from Hair shuffled up and I very quickly Took off my sandwich making gloves and fast forwarded it, but the rest of it was acceptable.

[Pam]

Tara, that humble brag is awesome. Because it sounds like you went outside.

[Tara]

I did. This is what I've been saying. I go every Saturday and it's always outside.

[Pam]

Did you immediately find a building Antarctica style?

[Tara]

Well, we were cleaning out a garage, so, you know, there you go.

[Pam]

Nice.

[Dave]

Do they have somewhere there for you to go poop or do you have to poop in a bag or a suitcase?

[Tara]

You can ask to go in the house. I will let you in, but I try not to.

[Dave]

You ever asked to go in a suitcase instead?

[Tara]

Not so far. They do have iglos, though. Igloo coolers.

[Pam]

One of the things says they reread books, and I just was like, who has time to reread a book? Do you reread books?

[Tara]

There are so many.

[Pam]

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot about that part.

[Tara]

I used to more than I do now. Definitely. Yeah.

[Pam]

I don't know that.

[Dave]

Sometimes I'm reading recipes for food I'm making and I forget what the last instruction was. That's sort of like rereading a book about.

[Tara]

I don't.

[Dave]

14 times in one sitting.

[Pam]

I don't. I don't know about that one.

[Dave]

What the hell was the temperature? Walks over to the trash can to take out the box and look at the instructions for the fourth time. Definitely not gonna need it again. Trash. You go five minutes later. God damn it. What was that? 375. Just go to 400 so I can remember it.

[Pam]

Everything's burned. It is the Eddie Izzard here to here on your oven. Sometimes you're like, what could be the difference? This is the driest chicken I've ever eaten. Okay, one of the suggestions is light some candles and then take a nap. Nope.

[Tara]

No, no, don't do that. No.

[Pam]

Nobody again. Nobody read that and was like, we can't be telling 12 year olds to light a candle and go to bed.

[Tara]

We shouldn't even be telling them to light candles, probably.

[Pam]

It's true. That's true.

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[Pam]

Hey, guys, have you heard of Gold Belly? It's this amazing site where they ship the most iconic famous foods from restaurants across the country, anywhere nationwide. I've never found a more perfect gift than food. Gold Belly ship. Chicago deep dish pizza, New York bagels, Maine lobster rolls, and even Ina Garten's famous cakes. So if you're looking for a gift for the food lover in your life, head to goldbelly.com and get 20% off your first order with promo code GIFT. That's goldbelly.com, promo code GIFT.

[Tara]

Not a ton to say about our fiction story, which is called Plucking Friends. The author is.

[Dave]

Is it a prequel to Chicken Sisters?

[Pam]

How is it called that? What is it? What is plucking friends mean? Like out of nowhere, plucking de feathering your friends? Or is it flucking prens it. They're like making me fucking.

[Tara]

I'll get it.

[Pam]

But plucking friends sounds like when you're trying to say fucking plens or something and you mess it up or it's code, but none of that is happening. Yes. Thank you, Spoonerism.

[Tara]

Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's just like plucking them from a different friend group, trying to add them to your friend group. There's. There's kind of nothing really to it. Underlying the premise of the story is the narrator is. Has her senior dinner coming up, and she only has one friend, and it's a girl, and the two of them were gonna go together. And then her dad says, if you're going, you can't go with her. You can meet her there. I'm not lending you my car to let you drive her. Underlying that being, it seems like you might be gay and we're not cool with that. But, like, none of that actually ever comes up in the story. And we don't get the impression that the two of them are even any kind of romantic. Right.

[Pam]

It's not like he was like, I'm trying to protect your social life. Stop hanging out with this loser publicly. Like, it just seems like, do you. You guys just don't. Don't look gay. Like, be friends.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

But don't go out to get. It's so crazy. They clearly go places together. I don't even understand how they didn't end up going to the party together anyway. Like, there was no real problem here. She had a small existential crisis about maybe getting to go with a popular girl who then was like, sorry, I didn't mean it.

[Tara]

Or I got back together with my boyfriend.

[Pam]

I got back together with my boyfriend. So I'll see you there. I'll save you a seat. Like, everything was fine. They had a ride. Ridiculous. I'll meet you there would have solved everything.

[Tara]

It's fine, right?

[Pam]

It's fine. I mean, I suppose it's a big deal when you're this age. We're out of the perspective of I can't show up alone and I can't show up with my. They'll think I'm gay best friend.

[Tara]

But it also does take you back to the time of like, needing to negotiate a ride because you don't have your own car. And you're not getting places if you don't get one. So that's kind of. That's the takeaway of the story. Figure out your transpo. The rest of it is sort of secondary.

[Pam]

It's not even prom. It's just a banquet.

[Tara]

It's not even prom. Yeah, it's a dinner.

[Pam]

It's a senior banquet.

[Tara]

It's a dinner. People eat together at dinner all the time. This dad is whack. The story's dumb. Let's keep going.

[Pam]

Parents drop you off, they pick you up. I don't know. Right? I don't know. I hope that this friend group broke up. Let me hear your body talk.

[Tara]

Salami. Headaches. Almost works with the song.

[Dave]

Actually directly to the forehead.

[Pam]

A way to give you pain in the head.

[Dave]

No, it's not for treating headaches. Unfortunately.

[Tara]

Salami ache. We all know that tension or bad cold can give you a headache. But people who get more than three a week could be sensitive to certain foods. The most commonly problematic comestibles are bananas, Caffeine. Chocolate. For sure. Bananas is new to me. Citrus. Citrus fruit. Cured meats like salami. And hot dogs. Hard cheeses, nuts, onions, sour cream and vinegar. As well as some food additives. MSG is a killer.

[Dave]

I got one question before we. Go ahead.

[Tara]

Yes?

[Dave]

Comestibles.

[Tara]

Yeah. Food.

[Dave]

What does that mean? Oh, this means.

[Pam]

Food means food. I thought it meant. I thought you knew it so well because it meant headache causing things.

[Tara]

Oh, no.

[Dave]

I thought it was like on the level of Gobots. Like one of those toy lines.

[Tara]

No, just a fancy synonym to avoid saying food five times on the same fancy.

[Dave]

Cinnamon.

[Tara]

Cinnamon. Why not?

[Pam]

Foodums. Just foodums.

[Tara]

Yeah. It's also important for catache prone people to exercise daily and learn to be sensitive to the mild Egg that comes on right before full blown attack. So they can take a pain reliever before the serious pain starts.

[Dave]

Now say mild egg.

[Tara]

No, I said mild ache. Get off my nuts. Oh my God.

[Pam]

The source of your headaches.

[Dave]

Seriously, Dave, we're gonna miss him. He was. He was a mild egg.

[Tara]

Okay, as the headache haver of this podcast, I two two things. One is this is a list that every doctor will tell you, especially back then, because this was before they had figured out rhizatriptans or the triptan family of drugs, which is what if you are migraine prone. It's what you get prescribed now. Not to be confused with the injectables. That's a whole other category of the super expensive ones. The one that Lady Gaga wants you to take. I would love to. Lady Gaga. It's $900 a month and not to.

[Dave]

Be confused with that movie Tristan and Isolta. Yeah.

[Tara]

But I'll just say all of this is typical of an ailment that is more common in women, in that all of the onus of this is on you to police your own behavior and not like, well, maybe more medical science is required to understand what the actual pain process is. All of this is putting it on you to look after yourself better. And you know, you don't hear a lot about these recommendations of headaches anymore because now there are drugs that treat it, which there weren't at the time. And it's a better world in that one respect. Every other respect worse.

[Dave]

What if you could get a hard hat baseball helmet? The ones they wear when they're at bat, except it's like a cooler and it just has freezy gel in it and it just stays cool for a long time. So wearing a yeti bottle, that would.

[Tara]

Be incredible also because for some reason when I get a really bad one.

[Dave]

What helps people throw baseballs at you?

[Tara]

No. Pinching your head. Like if you feel. If you put pressure on your own head, it feels better. Even just like putting a heavy pillow on of your head on top of the ice pack helps.

[Dave]

Is that why sometimes when you get a headache, you ask me to just stack books on your head while you lie in bed?

[Tara]

Yes. Can't believe you haven't figured that out yet.

[Pam]

They make them, Dave. They're called Arctic cold caps and people use them when they're going through chemo. They think it might keep your hair so you can get one.

[Dave]

That seems like pseudoscience, but okay.

[Pam]

I never see the word headache without thinking. Does Tara know about this one? Does Tar Know that this might help. Has she tried this mint?

[Dave]

That looks like a good stocking stuffer. Puce pills.

[Tara]

Honestly, the way that headaches have been more understood in my lifetime is like kind of extraordinary. I now am on a regimen of several different preventatives. And I really do. Dave can say I hardly ever get really bad headaches anymore.

[Dave]

It's true. But when you do, they do lay you down.

[Pam]

When you click this link for penguin cold cap, it is exactly what Dave described this.

[Tara]

Well, I want it.

[Pam]

Yeah, there you go. You can have it. You will look like you're in Mario Brothers and you are like the mushroom guy took his mushroom off and that's.

[Tara]

What it looks like.

[Pam]

Under the mushroom.

[Tara]

The next item is barely an item. It's really just a line. And it says, it claims the average American takes 15,000 steps daily. That cannot be true anymore. If the goal that we're all supposed to be hitting is 10,000, then the average can't have been 15,000.

[Dave]

10,000 is around 4 miles. Ish.

[Pam]

Do you wear a watch? Because I wondered if you. Do you know how many sips you've had today right now?

[Dave]

Well, so far I've been to the bedroom, to my office, so I'm going to guess around 30. Yesterday I had. I can tell you what I did yesterday though. Okay, but go ahead.

[Pam]

I've been to the gym today and I still am at 3500 steps. I have worked out. It is the afternoon. I am a sedentary worker, but it's tough to get 10,000.

[Dave]

Without a doubt, yesterday was 18,205.

[Tara]

Woo.

[Dave]

I went for a big walk, but that is with a purposeful walk. Day before that, 14, 6 and then a bunch around 7 or 8,000.

[Tara]

I am at a cool 5:45 today, but I'm going on the treadmill after. But even walking on the treadmill for 45 minutes, that's only about like 3,500 steps.

[Pam]

Yeah, my average is like 3.3 miles a day.

[Dave]

Sounds like you guys need to go to dance class.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Pam]

All right. Next is the dyslexia color cure. Don't bum out if you're dyslexic. Somewhere between. So flippant.

[Dave]

Don't bum out.

[Pam]

Don't bum out if you're dyslexic. Somewhere between like a. Like a morning radio DJ. Somewhere between 10 and 15% of kids today have the pesky disorder that interferes with the ability to read. 80% of a group of dyslexic kids could read better and Faster. When a blue or gray plastic overlay was placed on top of a page. I'd never heard of this before. They still sell these. You can buy em on Amazon. They also think it works with adhd. There's something that makes your brain stop like. Like get in sync with the two sides of it. That is like need your focus and your eyes. Fantastic. It's just. I don't know. The brain continues to be a very interesting place to study.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

So wait, they're using the overlay? Like people read with a ruler sometimes like that.

[Pam]

Well, there is the whole page if.

[Dave]

You want to the. I mean I find it annoying because I can read, but no, I don't mean it like that, but I just mean like the YouTubes or not YouTube. Oh my God. It's like YouTube is from China.

[Pam]

TikTok.

[Dave]

TikTok.

[Pam]

10 points on the board.

[Tara]

It's like YouTube but it's from China. You got there, grandpa. Keep going.

[Dave]

I can make another sticker like the Just Monday. Except it's going to be anyway. Tick tock where they do the captions one word at a time that just pops up and sort of like, like, like that. Like that apparently can make you read at a faster pace, like more words per minute. And I kind of get it.

[Tara]

Yeah.

[Dave]

So I wonder if it's related to that sort of limiting the scope of what you can see at any one time in order to power through it quickly.

[Tara]

Yeah, that was another solution that I remember from when I was still in school where it would be an overlay that just had like a little like a strip cut out and that you would just, just slide it across to read just a tiny bit at a time.

[Pam]

So yeah, here in the article it says we'll let you know if these overlays are ever available. And here we are in the future where you can get them delivered to your home that day for $7.

[Tara]

Great. 39% of all 14 year olds cannot do one pull up. I am in that percentage 100% of.

[Pam]

The people on this podcast.

[Tara]

I'm. I'm. I'm four 14 year olds who can't do one pull up.

[Pam]

I have spent the majority of this and the end of last year trying to do one unassisted.

[Tara]

Wow.

[Pam]

Impossible. Impossible. Still cannot do an unassisted pull up at all. It's so sad. I hip thrust. I drive a Dodge stratus and I hip thrust 200 pounds 10 times the other day. Can't be one pull up.

[Tara]

Yeah, we were watching Boots, the new period military dramedy on Netflix.

[Dave]

It was a T, not a. You know, it wasn't boobs.

[Tara]

It was not boobs. It was boots. And they're in Marine, you know, training camp. And that's a big part of it where it's like you have to do at least one pull up. And the main kid and one other kid who's like the fat kid in the platoon, both are having a very hard time. And I was like, if a gun to my head, I would be dead. Like, this is just not something I can do.

[Pam]

I watch people do this with weights tied to their hips or in a backpack. And I. Every time I can't do a pull up, I think it's my ass. It's what is holding me down. I cannot.

[Dave]

Pan's extremely low center of gravity is to blame.

[Pam]

No doubt true. I think it is. I think it is.

[Tara]

The next item is exercise causes colds, which says if you exercise regularly and you're always getting sick, you might be jockeying out too heavily. Now, just two blurbs above this, it was saying if you get headaches, you have to exercise every day. Which is right. What the fuck? Conflict on the very same page. Figure it out, get back to me.

[Dave]

Or they're giving you a choice, a reason not to exercise. And that's their gift to you.

[Tara]

Okay, I'll take it. I took off the STD one. We don't need to talk about that.

[Pam]

Because it was scary.

[Tara]

Yeah, it was too scary. Well, they're talking about hpv like it was just invented. Like, this is. We know about this one. That's why there's Peps.

[Dave]

Oh, you got it from.

[Tara]

What he said. Would you go out with a girl your parents hated? 96 said yes. No, 4%. One of the people I would like to highlight is Brian, 17, with very feathery hair, according to his school photo. Can you just hear the pain in Bry's voice? Oh, I did it about a year ago, said the senior to be who works in the grocery store and likes heavy metal. He's also in a band called Premonition. So next time you're in Hamburg, New York, he resumes. My parents wouldn't take us places. They'd make up excuses. I'd have to take the bus. I had such a time getting to her, it contributed to our breakup. And what about this girl made mom and Pop so cranky? He says they like this Clean Cut girl. My girlfriend was more the party type. Would he do it again? Definitely. Translation, she. That's what I liked about her. And what My parents hated you.

[Dave]

Got that right, buddy.

[Tara]

I'm just saying. Yeah, you know, it was worth it. And then. Our celebrity is Ian Age a secret. We guess 25ish. He was in fact 27 at the time of this issue. Beverly Hills 90210 star Ian Ziering, whose first name is for some reason pronounced Iron, claims to enjoy bungee jumping. You know, plunging off a cliff with elastic cords tied to your ankles and hopefully springing back up before impact. And marine fish. He has a 90 gallon aquarium. He might date a girl without mom and dad's blessing, but said it's really never been an issue. My parents have always trusted my instincts and been happy with the girls I've dated. That's not to say they've met all the girls I've dated, but what they don't know, dot, dot, dot.

[Dave]

Oh, what a scamp.

[Tara]

You little rascal. He certainly dated some. Objection. He dated some parent unfriendly girls on 902.0. I'll say that. And you can get a cameo from him and ask him all about it if you want. He is surprisingly affordable.

[Pam]

I just was looking. Why does he pronounce it Ian? He's the only person ever right that pronounces it Ian.

[Tara]

Well, there's the Rob McElhenny character in Mythic Quest, but he probably pronounces it that way because of Ian's earrings.

[Pam]

That's what I'm guessing. In an awkward yet funny interview, part time Justin asks, why do you pronounce it this way? And Ian, I'm sorry. Ian quickly replied, it's just what my mom named me. Yeah, that's it.

[Tara]

It's not his fault. Sometimes a dumb pronunciation is foisted upon you. Take it from someone who knows. I'm just saying there's people I have known for 30 years who still call me Tara sometimes. It's annoying.

[Pam]

It's terrible.

[Dave]

It's terrible.

[Pam]

Thank you. Sorry. I get it wrong every time. Help.

[Tara]

Help.

[Dave]

First item is food phobia.

[Tara]

All right, that's pretty good.

[Dave]

Pretty good food phobia. I'm really, really embarrassed to eat anything in front of my boyfriend. I always make up excuses on why we can't go out to eat. I wish I had the courage to do what normal people do. Sign starving. The answer is basically, you gotta eat. Yeah, you gotta eat. But the part I'm gonna take umbrage with is it's perfectly normal to feel self conscious around someone you want to impress. We all dread having pizza sauce hanging off Our face at a critical moment, at crucial moments. Pizza sauce doesn't hang off your face.

[Tara]

No pizza cheese.

[Dave]

Pizza sauce is a splattering stain.

[Tara]

That's right.

[Dave]

Cheese can drip off your face, baby. And that's even pretty hard to do.

[Tara]

That's true.

[Pam]

Brother plus friends equals nightmare. Need help? Writes. I am 14 and I have a brother who's 17. Whenever I invite friends over, he flirts with them. Last month, my friend came over and spent more time with him than with me. Today I found out that his mystery girlfriend of two weeks is yet another friend of mine. I feel frustrated. He thinks I have no right to feel this way. Sassy says, your brother's being a major butthead, but he's probably just testing his studly powers. No, no. Tell your parents. Tell their parents. Tell all. This is. They're young. These are young girls that. He's just coming over.

[Dave]

You misunderstand. He was at a construction site and he got bit by a radioactive stud.

[Tara]

Then they're like.

[Pam]

Then they're like, you know. And also, tell your friends. Like, that makes me uncomfortable when you fuck my brother. Like, what? No. They're so young. Coming over to this house. This guy's just trapping them. All of this made me so uncomfortable. Then they're just like, just tell him, like, if you want to hang out with my brother, do that on your time. And then see me on my time. But I mean. Release the Epstein files.

[Dave]

Nutrient of the Month. Nutrient of the Month. Petition to move. Nutrient of the Month, which is the title of a little letter here in Help to Replace the Sassy glossary and what Now? Or just swap the contents of each to see what happens. Sassy glossary number 87. Lickin pin. When your friends. When your friends are going totally spaz balls over the new Leo DiCaprio movie. Lick a thin.

[Tara]

I think it's less a thin. Probably.

[Dave]

Whatever.

[Pam]

I thought you were going to say that Nutrient of the month was a new monthly thing where I had to tell you the latest shit I was taking.

[Dave]

So I only have so many hours in the day.

[Pam]

Fine. Hooray. Hooray. It's Steph. You wrote. I find they're getting too. It's smaller and smaller. It bums me out. We used to have so many things you wrote, and now it's always sharing space with something else. And you deserve better. Quite.

[Tara]

Well, speaking of deserving better, J.D. salinger wrote, what is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love. End quote. I think this may be very true. Signed, Danielle Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. This is very. You miss all the shots you take. Wayne Gretzky, Michael Scott, like the year. This isn't even stuff you wrote. It's stuff you read and then copied and sent to Sassy. Saying this word. Yeah, it's a little lazy. Niagara Falls. Get it together.

[Pam]

That's why she didn't want to put her last name on there. She knew. She was embarrassed.

[Dave]

Amy Wu is next. A little something called Precious. Life is so fragile when viewed through beads of glass. Rain.

[Tara]

Life.

[Dave]

I had the dreams, she had the voice. I was the lightning, she was the thunder. She was the cactus. I was the wildflower. I was the hammer. She was the nail. I was Starsky. She was Hutch. I was the soaker hose. She was the water timer used to prevent over watering. I was one Miga's Breakfast Taco. One corn with salsa verde on the side, please. She was the. I'm sorry, the square machine is out of order. Cash only today. I was like, I don't have cash on me. And she was, there's an ATM two blocks down at the Walgreens. I was, that's pretty far away. My taco will be cold by the time I get back. She was not, if you run, I'll time you. I was the runner, she was the taco girl.

[Pam]

She was the watch. Also. I am the sun, you are the moon. You are the words. I am the tune. Amy Wu wrote something.

[Tara]

Sorry your sister died.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Tara]

Oh, God.

[Pam]

Katie of Bronx, New York, also doesn't want us to seek her future because she just writes, does the White House get mail address to occupant? And these days, no, it's occupier.

[Tara]

Ooh, she's got a spicy man with political takes.

[Pam]

Everything's politics now, bitches.

[Tara]

Next time we'll be talking about the pop culture topics of the June 1991 issue. Richard Grieco and Morrissey reviewed River Phoenix, profiled Winona Rider spotted, and more.

[Dave]

You can follow everybody where they can be followed. You can support this very podcast. $5 a month gets you great perks, like joining our discord. And of course, those PDF scans of the whole magazine don't pay those outrageous ebay prices for the physical copy. Get PDF. Yeah, just as good. And sometimes you see what people have filled in, then you could dox them. Right, Pam? Of course.

[Pam]

Speaking of doxxing, why don't you call us? Our hotline is 7 20. Sassy. Go. You can leave us a voicemail about the show or the magazine and we may play it on a future episode. You know, I feel like I repeat Dave here, but why not sometimes? You guys, fast forward through this part, you can find out more information about the podcast, links to our visual aids, and contact info for all of us at our website. Listen to sassy.com thank you for listening, and we will see you next time.

[Dave]

Is that the actual title? It happened to me. Colon Atheist.

[Tara]

No, that was me.

[Dave]

Oh, okay, good. I was gonna say, not much of a title. Atheist. He's, like, in a room. An atheist just, like, broke down the door. I'm here, but God isn't.