May 1991 Teen Life: AIDS, Invisibility & Galactorrhea

Summary

Listen To Sassy: Life In The 90s

Episode: May 1991 Teen Life: AIDS, Invisibility & Galactorrhea

Hosts: Tara Ariano, Pamela Ribon, David T. Cole
Date: September 2, 2025

---

Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the May 1991 issue of Sassy magazine, unearthing the joys, anxieties, and oddities of teen life in the early '90s. The hosts—Tara, Pam, and Dave—explore pivotal features from the magazine, including personal tales of living with AIDS, the debate over whether "guys make better friends," and a candid Q&A about body issues (hello, galactorrhea!). The trio balances humor with empathy, swapping their own teen stories and offering commentary filled with nostalgia, wit, and plenty of irreverence.

---

Main Discussion Points & Insights

Life Updates & 1991 Nostalgia

• Apologies for Lateness & Life Explosions
  • The team jokes about life chaos causing a late recording. "Everything in all of our lives exploded at the same time." (Karen, 02:06)
• First Jobs & Teen Milestones:
  • Karen reminisces about her first real job as a library page: "I got almost immediately promoted to be a reference page... you get to go to the basement where they had stacks." (Karen, 03:34)
  • Pam reflects on her boy-crazy ways and crushes. Dave celebrates (mockingly) his 19th birthday in Canada, where the drinking age is 19: "No, no, no. 19. 19." (Dave, 05:05)
• Cultural References:
  • Offhand jokes about '90s events and pop culture (NBA MVP Michael Jordan, Queen Elizabeth at a baseball game, jokes about made-up football teams, etc.)

---

Feature Analysis

1. "How This Girl Lives With The AIDS Virus"

• Summary:
  • A Sassy feature by Christina interviewing Kim, a young woman living with HIV after unprotected sex.
  • Discussion about the media portrayal of AIDS, notably the case of Kimberly Bergalis, and the problematic "innocent victim" framing:
    "The framing... was she didn't even do anything wrong. Unlike all these other sluts and whores who get AIDS the regular way." (Karen, 06:44)
• Personal Reflection:
  • Pam recounts a cringe-worthy AIDS oral quiz from her Mississippi school, delivered by a coach:
    "I remember thinking, this is not appropriate." (Pam, 10:03)

2. "She Says Guys Make Better Friends"

• Article Themes:
  • Little Pam (Karen) eats up the premise, relating to the ease and fun of being "one of the guys":
    "Guys are a cool hang. They aren't very complicated... They probably make you feel good about yourself being sometimes the only chick in their group." (Pam, 11:29)
  • Hosts discuss shifting from boy-crazy teens to adults who value female friendship, tracing the evolution via life experiences:
    "Roller derby very much helped. But before that, in high school, I... didn't know how to keep a girlfriend." (Pam, 12:14)

3. "You Spill It About Your Schools" (School Survey)

• Content:
  • Teen survey on schools—cafeteria quality, corporal punishment, SATs.
  • 39% didn't believe standardized tests measure intelligence; 70% reported feeling bored or tired at school.
• Reflection:
  • Hosts debate the impact and utility of such stats-laden features, noting stats would likely be higher if polled today.

4. "The Real World" – Fiction Feature

• Summary:
  • Sharon Solwitz's story about a loner protagonist; writing style elicits mixed feelings.
  • "I feel his eyes on my back like two little fleas..." (Pam, 16:03)
  • Pam loves the cool loner tone; Karen less impressed.

5. "Body Talk" – Springtime Bummer & Allergies

• Seasonal Allergies:
  • Discuss Austin as an "allergy center" and jokes about surviving without sneezing:
    "You have to leave the house. That's where the allergies are." (Pam, 19:15)

6. Health & Wellness Nuggets

• Diet Pills Danger (PPA):
  • Early warnings about phenylpropanolamine in diet pills.
    "The FDA did issue an advisory about PBA. It took until the year 2000." (Karen, 22:08)
• Lead in Produce Bags:
  • Pam is shocked: "Surely they phased that out... Nope." (Pam, 22:44)
• Teeth Grinding ("Bedtime Grind"):
  • Dave’s take: "Not attractive. Two, a pain in the ass to wear while you sleep. Feel like drooling all night long? Don't do it. Just grind your teeth to nubs." (Dave, 23:58)

7. El Paso Feature

• Local Teen Life:
  • The hosts riff on El Paso microcultures, high school ratings, and local eateries:
    "Coronado High School... is rated average by greatschools.org. That's an El Paso A though, right?" (Karen & Dave, 24:53–24:56)

8. "What He Said" – If You Were Invisible?

• Teen and Celebrity Dreams:
  • Standard boys-would-spy-on-girls answers. Joey Lawrence’s answer is slightly more high-minded (and then, “spy on Cindy Craw…”):
    "I would sprinkle peace dust all over the world... and spy on Cindy Craw." (Pam parodying Joey, 26:08)
• Hosts’ Take:
  • Joke about adult invisibility:
    "Because she's a woman and she's used to being invisible all the time." (Pam, 29:31)
    "If your boobs could be invisible, where would they go?" (Dave, 28:28)

9. Help Section: Galactorrhea, Deodorant, Nail Files & More

• Galactorrhea ("breast discharge") segment:
  • The trio jokes at length about the weirdness of boob biology, segues to lactation and sci-fi villain names:
    "Pretentious people call this breast discharge galactorrhea, which is also the villain of my sci fi epic I'm writing." (Dave, 33:47)
• Deodorant Myths:
  • On aluminum and cancer: "Apparently that is not true either. Scientific American says if it plays a role at all, it's negligible." (Karen, 36:38)
• Knuckle Cracking & Nail Files:
  • Dave's aversion to frosted glass and Emery boards:
    "If you put a frosted glass in my hand, I will immediately drop it... I feel like the emery board on the nails somehow evokes the same feeling in me." (Dave, 38:38–38:49)

10. Stuff You Wrote – Letters & Poems

• Notable poetic submissions and musings from teen readers are performed and playfully analyzed—Pam channelling Matthew McConaughey in her reading:
  • "What can I tell you that you don't already know that I know how rain looks when I'm standing on my head?" (Pam, 40:51)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On HIV Media Framing:

  • "She didn't even do anything wrong. Unlike all these other sluts and whores who get AIDS the regular way." — Karen, 06:44

• Teen Friendship Truths:

  • "Guys are a cool hang. They aren't very complicated." — Pam, 11:29

• On Seasonal Allergies:

  • "You have to leave the house. That's where the allergies are." — Pam, 19:15

• Galactorrhea Sci-Fi:

  • "Pretentious people call this breast discharge galactorrhea, which is also the villain of my sci-fi epic I'm writing." — Dave, 33:47

• On Invisibility:

  • "Because she's a woman and she's used to being invisible all the time." — Pam, 29:31

• Emery Board Phobia:

  • "That emery board is very much the same... as frosted glass, where if you put a frosted glass in my hand I will immediately drop it." — Dave, 38:38

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening & Life Updates – 00:30–04:42
• Jobs & Early 90s Stories – 04:42–05:38
• AIDS Feature Discussion – 06:13–10:23
• Guys as Friends Feature – 11:26–13:02
• School Survey Digest – 13:10–15:12
• Fiction Feature (Real World) – 15:12–16:56
• Springtime Allergies & Austin – 17:14–19:02
• Health Nuggets & Dangers – 21:51–23:02
• El Paso Teen Life – 23:58–25:32
• Invisibility Answers (What He Said) – 25:54–29:45
• Boob Talk & Galactorrhea – 30:36–36:23
• Nail File & Emery Board Disgust – 37:31–38:49
• Stuff You Wrote & Reader Submissions – 40:09–43:22

---

Tone & Language

The episode is full of self-aware humor and affectionate mockery, blending nostalgia for the Sassy era with a modern lens. Personal anecdotes, pop reference riffs, and tangents about everything from library stacks to invisible boobs interject authenticity and warmth. The language is colloquial, frequently irreverent, but deeply empathetic when discussing tough social topics.

---

For New Listeners

If you missed Sassy’s May 1991 issue (or the '90s entirely), this episode is a time capsule with the perspective of smart, funny adults who lived it. You’ll hear about the fears and hopes of Gen-X teens, get laughs about galactorrhea and invisible vices, and leave with a better sense of how much—and how little—has changed.

Transcript

[El Paso Newscaster]

I was born in Texas, El Paso to be exact, and my family lives here. Being a Channel 4, I've had a chance to visit the rest of Texas and even go out of the country. And I enjoyed that. I got to see what happens. I really like people, so I've had a great time learning about the communities, each with a special story to tell. I feel lucky because my job is to share these stories with the rest of El Paso. I am lucky.

[Dave]

She likes lamp.

[Pam]

Wow. She does like lamp.

[Dave]

It is May 1991. Pack your bags. The Angolan civil war is over. President Bush treats Queen Elizabeth II to a baseball game. She took off board after the second inning. The Republic of Somalia land declares independence from Somalia, which, if you know your history, is how we got candy after Candyland broke up. Future Hitler stash lover Michael Jordan is the NBA mvp. And the NFL owners agreed to add two teams to the league, the Jackson Hole Boys and the Boise Guys. But you don't care too much about all that because you are walking down the main drag through town, moonstruit, when you came across a lost billfold with $300 in it and absolutely no ID attached. This money is yours. It's real money, too, like American money, not the weird fond spawning Dolores the city chamber of commerce insists town folk get paid with. What the hell are you going to buy with 300 goddamn dollars? The mind boggles with possibilities. All right, all right. Let's calm down a bit. Don't tip your hat here. You got $300 in your hand. Take it nice and slow with a leisurely read of your favorite magazine. Yes, it's time to listen to Sassy.

[Karen]

First of all, apologies for this episode being one week late. Everything in all of our lives exploded at the same time.

[Pam]

Everything. Just.

[Karen]

We had the best of intentions. We were going to record it last minute and then our dog's butt also exploded just to add insult to injury. And it could not occur. So we appreciate your patience.

[Pam]

My gosh. So. So many trips and visits and hospitals and doctors. So I'm happy we're all here in three separate pieces of humans. That's how we describe things.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Karen]

Yeah.

[Pam]

That's.

[Dave]

How are you doing separate piece of human on this 24 hour segment of the year.

[Pam]

I just think it's actually not a bad idea to remind everyone on the planet that we are each separate human.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Objects. And that is what we all have in common.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

God damn it.

[Dave]

Some dads say another trip around the sun. Pam. Separate human parts.

[Pam]

These parts are still here.

[Karen]

We're doing better now. That's the, that's the important thing. So thank you for your forbearance. Let's talk about May 1991. In our lives, we all have things to report. I got my first real job that wasn't just babysitting. I was hired as a page at the main downtown branch of the St. Catharines Public Library. And as you know, there are a lot of pages in the library and.

[Pam]

I was one of them. But you were the cutest.

[Karen]

I don't know about that, but I was certainly the grade Grubbin est one. And I got almost immediately promoted to be a reference page, which was like the more intense level of page where you're not just shelving books, you're shelving.

[Dave]

Books for you doing this. Take that, Dewey.

[Karen]

It's where you're handling like special collections. You gotta go in the back and pull stuff. You get to go to the basement where they had stacks.

[Dave]

I'll show you my special collection. I've got two in this. They're my balls.

[Karen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pam]

Do we or don't we?

[Karen]

This library had stacks with those shelves that you like, crank together.

[Dave]

Holy. Oh yeah.

[Karen]

Special training to make sure you didn't smush someone by mistake in the shelves.

[Dave]

I didn't hear any of that.

[Karen]

It was a union job. I belonged to the Canadian Union of Public Employees and I made more than minimum wage immediately. So I was already ahead of almost everyone I knew. That was a great job. Have I ever had a better job? Maybe not.

[Dave]

What about you, Pam?

[Pam]

Well, I checked the tape, AKA notes to boys wherever books are sold. And In May of 1991, I had a serious crush on a boy I was texting with just before I wrote this sentence into the notes. So tenacity works everybody. Never give up on your dreams.

[Karen]

Congrats.

[Pam]

Thank you.

[Dave]

Big moment. Well, if it's May 1991, I just turned 19. No, no, no, no. 19. 19.

[Pam]

Woo.

[Dave]

So old doesn't really do you anything in Canada though, does it?

[Karen]

It's the drinking age.

[Dave]

Oh, that's right, it's a drinking age in Canada. But not in the States. Yes, that's correct. I mean, I didn't drink, so didn't matter to me. That's why I probably forgot.

[Pam]

Yeah, so random. Because you know, we say 18 or 21 and there's no numbers in between and. But in Canada know you wait until you're 19, like a nice boy.

[Karen]

I mean, it's 19 in Ontario. If you lived in Hull or Ottawa rather, you could drive across the border to Quebec and drink at 18 where it's. It's lower there.

[Dave]

Yeah. And you can smoke at three. That's probably just give you cigarettes when you turn three. Are your lungs almost fully formed? You got your choice. Benson or Hedges.

[Karen]

We are in fact now though, Talking about the May 1991 issue, starting with the spine line. Is that any way to talk, Mother? Probably not. Get off my back, Sassy. Jeez.

[Pam]

Oh, it's Mother's Day this month. Oh, it's May. That's what's up.

[Karen]

Feature number one, how this girl lives with the AIDS virus. Here it comes. Sadness toy. It's Sassy. Bummer Feature. It's not about a cute boy.

[Pam]

Oh, it's beautiful.

[Karen]

It's so fitting every time. I mean, it's probably partly about a cute boy, I guess. The author is Christina and the story is exactly what you think. They talk to a young woman named Kim who got HIV from presumably unprotected sex and is telling her story and talking about how she's doing and how it's affected her life and her. Her relationships with her family members, her business as a freelance picture framer, which I. I'm not sure how that works. Or self employed, rather either way. Like, I don't know how you just do that out of your house, not in a shop. But okay. Gets right into talking about that girl on the People magazine cover who was infected by her dentist. This other girl had a name. It was Kim as well, Kimberly Bergalis. She died in December 1991. I went on a bit of a deep dive on her because she was sort of a sensational story where the framing of it was she didn't even do anything wrong. Unlike all these other sluts and whores who get AIDS the regular way. She got it from her dentist and then, you know, so that supposedly made her a better victim, I guess, and got her a lot more attention because people are disgusting. And this is how stories like that are framed in media. So we'll link to a piece on her from June 2025. Sounds like Kim Fry. Our Kim was to distance herself from Bergalis because there were a lot of shitty things that came out of her story and how she and her family sort of positioned her in the media.

[Pam]

Yeah, I did not remember the dentist girl at all. The modern version of the story are vampire facials, where apparently some people have contracted HIV from a vampire facial. This picture of Kim on her in her home framing table is so awkward.

[Karen]

It is.

[Pam]

She had to take her shoes off and it's just so socks forward that it's like I forgot I was wearing those socks and I couldn't take them off in time. You know, it's. I'm just so embarrassed for her. But this picture ends up getting used in everything that you see. She used it as, like her headshot and all promotional material. She cut the socks out of the cropping, but it's her and her frames and her face.

[Karen]

Mm. Good call taking the feet out of it. Don't show feet for free. That's just a rule. The more the story goes on, we learn about Kim's parents who, like any of the times she's been hospitalized for lesser issues related to having hiv, they don't go see her in the hospital. She's very matter of fact about it. I hope they were able to heal that relationship, but if not, I hope she cut them off because they suck. That's shitty. Go see your child in the hospital.

[Pam]

And then they made more than one adaptation for television and film about. About her story Where I found First Love, Fatal Love, which was Parker Posey's film debut with a little moment of Steve Zahn in it. Have you seen First Love, Fatal Love? Apparently it's a bit out of print. 7:20 says to go. Tell us, Parker. Give us a call.

[Karen]

Parker, we know you're listening.

[Pam]

We know.

[Karen]

And you had a personal testimony you wanted to add to this.

[Pam]

Did I tell this story about when we had our AIDS education moment? It was in the seventh grade in Mississippi, but I was bused to a high school, so I was taking 9th grade biology, and my science teacher's first name was Coach Great. He had an oral quiz for our AIDS test. I haven't told you the story. Anyway, one of the. One of the quiz questions was now, say, Pam and I go down to the lake and we start taking all our clothes off and we get in the lake and we're just sort of messing around naked. Can Pam get the AIDS virus from me? And I remember thinking, this is not appropriate.

[Karen]

No. Oh, my God.

[Pam]

I just remember thinking, this is not. I was so. My face flames like, I was so embarrassed to be a part of an oral exam anyway. I mean, probably he picked all of us in situations. Yeah. Well, was I 12? Oh, my God, yeah.

[Karen]

I mean, if you were in seventh grade, probably.

[Pam]

Yeah, maybe. Maybe the cusp of 13. But you're right, like. Yeah. And I just remember being like, coach, that's embarrassing. Because maybe it wasn't unattractive. It just felt weird. It felt weird because it was. But at the time I didn't know you even tell someone about that. I was just like, coach put a sexy story in my. My quiz about me. You guys wonder why I'm like this? But we may have traced it all the way back to my first AIDS quiz. All right, feature number two. She says, guys make better friends. Written by little Pam, also known as Karen. Listen, this is little Pam bait right here. Completely true to my experience. It's a bunch of reasons why guys make better friends from things like they know things you don't know. I'm okay. Well, whatever. They keep you real. They're never prettier. They're lost without you.

[Karen]

Sometimes they're prettier, Sometimes they are prettiers.

[Pam]

Mostly she's talking about guys are a cool hang. They aren't very complicated. They want to hang out with you because you're also some sort of good hang. Because they don't really put up with a bunch of bullshit. They're not really interested in, like gossip. They're going to just like, have a good time with you. It's not a big deal. It's pretty hard to hurt their feelings. They're a lot of fun. And also they probably make you feel good about yourself being sometimes the only chick in their group. But they do at the end say a bunch of things that you will miss, which is like slumber parties and being able to get a tampon easily or sharing shoes, which I would say is not true. You can totally share shoes with boys. This was a real. Pam already knows this.

[Karen]

You should stress you have learned how to make female friends since your youth.

[Pam]

I have. I have. And it roller derby very much helped. But before that, in high school, I think a lot of it had to do with moving around a lot that I didn't know how to keep a girlfriend. And I was boy crazy enough to not understand, you know, why I was doing that. But yes, maybe even by freshman year, living with girls in a dorm, that started to change things. I started definitely having, like long term girlfriends. I still have high school girlfriends. I don't know why I'm suddenly very defensive, but I did even. I mean, from comedy, from acting to comedy. Like you're just sometimes around a bunch of dudes all the time by the basis of you're in tech or you're in comedy or you're in animation. And so I'm grateful that I know how to hang with boys. Yes, I'm very. I very much appreciate my girlfriends.

[Karen]

Now.

[Pam]

Our third feature, you spill it about your schools, is my favorite Kind of sassy layout. It's just stats and fonts and colors and angles and. It's great. It's just a bunch of stats.

[Karen]

I don't remember.

[Pam]

Did we take this quiz? Did this come in sassy? Or. This was just a. We asked a bunch of people.

[Karen]

This was a survey. It wasn't a quiz. So they probably had a larger sample.

[Pam]

Gotcha. A bunch of questions that they asked a ousand randomly selected 7th through 12th graders from across the country to ask what they think about everything from teacher enthusiasm to the quality of their cafeterias. Creamed peas. Yeah, you know, it's just stuff like 39% believe that sats and acts don't measure how smart you are. About. They talk about overcrowding of classrooms. Should teachers get paid more? What do they think about their teachers? What? You know, dangerous on their campuses. One thing I just assumed as I was reading this was that the thousand kids were asked this today. Every number in here would be higher, just higher than it is.

[Karen]

I feel like this could have used more shape. This was just a lot of information that I thought did not really add up to a story where you just sort of read all the facts or like, huh, okay. And then you just move on. This didn't really make that much of an impact on me.

[Pam]

I get that. Well, maybe because if I was reading this as a young person, I would be like, oh, that's good to know that how I feel is exactly how 72% of other teenagers feel. Or corporal punishment is on 17% of the campuses. I'd be like, if it's that low, then it shouldn't be happening at our school. Like, I don't know. Armed with information at the time maybe was all I needed to feel vindicated. Fair enough.

[Karen]

I can imagine it would be different reading it at the time versus, you know, at my current age of 87.

[Pam]

And without the Internet.

[Dave]

70% say they feel bored or tired at school. Last semester, I actually fell asleep during my history class. And there's a girl who stands in the hall before class and pours a little packet of sugar down her throat so she'll stay awake.

[Karen]

Yikes.

[Dave]

What do you think she's doing these days? Not sugar, I can tell you that much.

[Karen]

Is she alive? Is the question. Probably. Boy, we're already in our fiction story. It is called the Real World. The author is Sharon Solwitz. The way my heart sank when I turned the first page and saw how long this thing went on really cannot be described. This is excessive about a protagonist and a first person Narrator who one of the first things we read is, I hate being early or exactly on time. It's my trademark. Well, aren't you interesting. And I did not end up liking her really anymore.

[Pam]

I did like it. I feel his eyes on my back like two little fleas as I sweep down the hall.

[Karen]

So cool.

[Pam]

This kid's so cool. She's so cool.

[Karen]

She's got her.

[Pam]

Her hair is a different color and she's like. She lies and is like smart, sassy, like, I don't know. Here's another one. Smiling with my bottom lip only. I was like, ah, I love it. I don't know. Twin backs arched in the same little nice curve from holding their books to their stomachs. So I want to plug Jeff Hiller's Excellent Actress of a Certain Age where he coveted this. Patty Sincock's method of book clutching.

[Karen]

That book is on its way to me now. It's my next book club read, so I'm looking very much forward to it. He is the best.

[Pam]

It is as fun as you hope. Also, there's even imaginary boyfriends in here. This is some little Pam fanfic fiction of me. I probably loved it just as much after all those facts. Just having a cool drink of fiction right after about a cool chick who takes no shit from the school counselor.

[Karen]

Yeah, I'm glad that you liked it. More for you.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Karen]

The illustration photograph for Body Talk this month is a girl that I guess. I mean, she's holding a few daisies, so I suppose she's supposed to be alluding to the top story, which is about seasonal allergies, but she looks like she just took a dump in her pants. Like the facial expression. This cannot be the best photo from the shoot. She just really looks like something awful happened and she needs to get out of there in real hurry. More so than when you're just sneezing a lot from allergies. But yes, springtime bummer is the top story.

[Dave]

What do you think is happening to her right now? I think she's looking at somebody who's trying to sit on a console, not knowing there's a big aquarium on it and it's slowly sliding off the console and it's about to fall on the floor.

[Karen]

I mean, that's the positive version. To me, it looks like someone just goosed her and she's. They're catching her reaction.

[Pam]

Pam thoughts she looks like she's trying to speak French.

[Karen]

Kinda.

[Pam]

But she doesn't know any.

[Karen]

The dress or slip, whatever she's wearing aligns with Pam's interpretation. I think the top story. Springtime bummer. It's about hay fever, seasonal allergies from grasses and weeds and so on. And I just want to say, when we moved to Austin, anytime I went to the doctor, there would be a poster up in the exam room that was like, which allergies you're having when? Because apparently Austin is a major allergy center. I suppose. And touch wood.

[Dave]

Yeah. A lot of R and D went into it.

[Pam]

Yes. You develop cedar fever. That's how you know you're an Austinite. You don't have it for, like, the first few years you live there. Well, like your fifth year, the cedar.

[Karen]

Fever comes in touch wood. We've been here since 2018, so this is year seven. And I still have not had seasonal. Seasonal allergies, so I'm hoping I'm still.

[Dave]

You almost said sneezer realities, which is probably something. A seasonal reality. Drug companies should take. Take the heart, make their logo.

[Karen]

Yeah, they should.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Anyway, you have to leave the house.

[Karen]

It's a good point. Interesting.

[Pam]

That's where the allergies are. Out there. They are. The pollen's out there. It's not coming from inside.

[Dave]

You won't have allergies. You won't have a sunburn.

[Pam]

You have to deal with assholes. You guys have it figured out.

[Dave]

Are they still wearing cowboy hats outside? Says Tara.

[Karen]

Dave goes outside every day. And he doesn't have allergies, though, so.

[Dave]

What do you mean? What are you talking about? I'm sneezing way more here than I ever had before.

[Karen]

Really?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Karen]

I think it's from allergies, probably. I don't notice you sneezing more than you have other places.

[Dave]

Okay. I mean, it's not a lot, but I feel like it's happened more. Maybe it's age. Maybe I just love sneezing now.

[Karen]

Have you also told Pam that you bought a parasol for your walks to protect you from the sun?

[Pam]

That's good. That's smart.

[Dave]

I got sick of putting sunscreen on all the time, and so I got a big foil umbrella.

[Pam]

Yeah, that's better. Because you're probably not really protecting all your tops of your ears and the back of your neck and everything. So the parasol is going to really help you out through your shirt. Yep. I don't feel bad saying you two are my favorite married couple.

[Karen]

Why? Because we balances each other out between us.

[Dave]

We go out a little bit.

[Karen]

I don't know.

[Pam]

It's just the whole thing works for me. That's It.

[Dave]

All right.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Karen]

Just for the record, I did go out today.

[Pam]

Okay.

[Karen]

To the movies? To the movies.

[Pam]

I went to it. Inside.

[Dave]

Parked as close as I could to the front door. Tried to get an airlock between the car and their door.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Actually had to go outside for about 10 seconds. It was terrible.

[Pam]

Yeah. It's very hot out there. I get it.

[Karen]

It was 107 degrees earlier.

[Pam]

Oh, no.

[Dave]

Tell me about houseplants.

[Karen]

Recent studies prove that houseplants calm you down. The only reason I've noted this is that when we moved into this house, the sellers left a plant for us. And I have never watered that plant. One time.

[Dave]

It's still alive because I water it.

[Pam]

You've never watered it?

[Dave]

I do.

[Pam]

Oh. Oh. It's a magic plant.

[Dave]

Tara's convinced she has the magic touch. He's never watered the plant. Ever survived five years in the house.

[Pam]

Look, if there's any beans inside.

[Karen]

No, I know that you water it. I'm just saying it.

[Dave]

Bring your green children to me.

[Karen]

It never occurred to me to water it. And I never have.

[Dave]

Gaia Ariano.

[Pam]

I have allergies. And I can keep a plant alive just by staring at it.

[Dave]

Cactus pricks be gone.

[Karen]

Dave, would you agree that plant, though, is no bigger than it was when we got it?

[Dave]

Your name's now Smooth Pear. What was the question?

[Karen]

Would you agree it's the same size it was when we got it in 2019?

[Dave]

Yeah, I think by design. I don't think.

[Karen]

What's up with that plant?

[Dave]

I don't know.

[Karen]

All right.

[Dave]

It plays by its own rules.

[Karen]

Plant roles, I guess. Next. Now will you believe us? Time and again, we have alerted y' all to the dangers of taking diet pills. Perhaps the following information will finally make you believe us. There's a drug called ppa, commonly used in diet pills and in a few cold medications that's recently been linked to high blood pressure, fatal strokes, seizures, hallucinations, nervousness, insomnia and kidney damage. Teenage girls are particularly susceptible because so many take more than the recommended dosage. And the FDA has, as of this writing, yet to prohibit the drug. So check the ingredients list. So the FDA did issue an advisory about PBA. It took until the year 2000. Pharmaceutical companies voluntarily phased it out, but it is still in some European diet drugs, which tells me it probably really works. Just kidding. Or am I? So you can still get it, but, you know, it's harder.

[Pam]

This little one says it's cool to reuse plastic produce bags from the grocery store, but don't turn them inside. Out the printed designs may contain toxic lead. Lead. And I was like, surely they phased that out.

[Karen]

Nope.

[Pam]

Whoa. Nope. A quick Google search said, yeah, if there's, like, logos, it probably still has toxic lead in that ink, particularly outside of the United States in particular. But, yeah, I was like, what?

[Karen]

That's insane.

[Pam]

I didn't know that. So be careful, y'. All.

[Dave]

Bedtime grind. Actually, it's about grinding your teeth. Gotcha. Not porn at all. Unless you like grinding your teeth, in which case this is a story about getting accused of making weird noises in your sleep. And, nope, it's about teeth grinding. And the end is, go to your dentist. He can easily fit you for an attractive plastic guard just like mine to wear while you doze. One, not attractive. Two, a pain in the ass to wear while you sleep. Feel like drooling all night long? Don't do it. Just grind your teeth to nubs. It's easier.

[Pam]

All right, let's go on the road to El Paso, where a one dynamic newscaster likes people and things. As we learned earlier today, I don't know El Paso, so I can't say how if this feels particularly El Paso Y, but it says here in the night. In the 1850s, El Paso, Texas, was the city of saloons, gambling halls, cattle rustlers, and Billy the Kid. Since he's dead, Yale Spinnett, 16, was nice enough to show us around. So they just kind of hang out with this person's friends. The sunsets are really pretty. They wear clothes. They live near the border. There's mountains. It's pretty. They say things like, y' all and to scam and adults get called ma' am or sir. They go to the mall.

[Karen]

They go to the mall. They go to Coronado High School, which I looked up, it is still open. It is rated average by greatschools.org that's.

[Dave]

An El Paso A though, right?

[Karen]

They write on this page, in 1659, when El Paso belonged to Mexico, which belonged to Spain, Franciscan missionaries showed up to convert the Manzo Indians. Then what happened? We don't find out.

[Dave]

They won food. I've gone here on some dates and stuff. It's got southwestern food. I like tacos, but that's like it. The rest of that southwestern food could suck my dick.

[Karen]

Well, that's Jackson's with an X. And it closed. So I guess no one else was very impressed with it either. But it, you know, didn't close until 2012. Still hung on for a pretty long time after this story came out.

[Dave]

What's this thing wrapped in corn. And this one looks like a taco, but it's all rolled up. It's got stuff on top. Can't hold that. No, thank you. Tacos only. El Paso.

[Pam]

This month's. What he said asks, what would you do if you were invisible?

[Karen]

Look at boobs.

[Pam]

I mean, look at boobs with no.

[Karen]

One looking at me. Cause I'm a boy.

[Pam]

That's what I want to do. Boobs. They asked Joey Lawrence first, and you know what he said?

[Dave]

Boobs.

[Pam]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoops. Joey says I would sprinkle peace dust all over the world. I try to find Saddam to protect our troops and find out what our government thinks of the whole situation. It's hard to know whether the news stuff is true. It's been on my mind a lot and I'm pretty scared about it. If I were invisible, I'd help create an aura of understanding. Oh, and spy on Cindy Craw. Whoa, Joey, that's ridiculous.

[Dave]

Well, look, buddy, if you have sprinkle dust and you sprinkle it all over the world, you kind of don't have to do the rest of your world peace plan there. Saddam will just retire. We won't have to worry about the US response.

[Pam]

But he's invisible. Not world sized. Like that's going to take some time.

[Dave]

I know, but he's. But his first, his first argument here is that he's going to use his magic sprinkle dust for world peace and then he has like individual plans for all the nations on earth, how to fix them.

[Karen]

Well, a lot of people are making a lot of questionable choices on this page. James 17 is forming a hard rock band that he intends to call Confederacy, which I would advise against. Not a. Not a great name. Perhaps Amazon.

[Pam]

Hold one second.

[Dave]

I don't know if she's still hearing us. Hello, this is the Iron Store. Do you need a refill on your iron? We've got pills capsules and suppositories. Can I put you on hold for a minute? Thank you. Iron store. Hello, I'm back. You want light iron, medium iron or heavy iron this week and. Okay, well, thank you for your. Thank you for your patronage. Goodbye now. Thank you for shopping. Iron store.

[Pam]

Sorry. Thank you. Beautiful.

[Dave]

Now is the time to be beautiful.

[Karen]

Joe16 says if he were invisible, he would stand next to the President during the State of the Union address and make off color remarks about the sexuality of the reporter to whom he was speaking. Well, they don't speak to reporters during the State of the union address. Mr. Politics. And also this particular President doesn't need help looking incompetent at press conferences, which it again, the state of the union is not.

[Pam]

Look at Joe's head of hair. I couldn't. I didn't notice it before because of the stupid thing he said.

[Karen]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Is there hair or is that a hood? Is that a hoodie hair? What's his hair?

[Karen]

He's got, like, Ben Whishaw as Q hair. He's cute.

[Dave]

I know what you're saying, Pam. It sort of looks like he has a big head of hair that's also scoring a giant mullet from the 70s.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Karen]

Yes.

[Dave]

But that is his hoodie hood.

[Pam]

That is his hoodie. Okay.

[Karen]

Oh, over there. Yes. Yes.

[Pam]

Yeah. Doesn't it look like he's like.

[Dave]

It's like halfway to Doris. My name is Doris Hair.

[Pam]

Yeah. Yes. Lisa. Lisa's cult jam all cried out hair. Ugh. Yeah, well, he's stupid.

[Dave]

Okay. What would you do if you were invisible, Tara?

[Karen]

I never thought about it.

[Dave]

Yes, you have. It's all dirty.

[Pam]

Because she's a woman and she's used to being invisible all the time.

[Dave]

I'd go give Dave a smooch when he wasn't expecting it.

[Pam]

Everyone loves Kiss.

[Karen]

Use it to mess with you. That is true. What would you do?

[Dave]

I think I would go to all the fast food places that somehow don't have free refills for soda because it costs $0.02 maximum for the largest size, and give myself a free refill.

[Karen]

Nice.

[Dave]

Yeah. And, like, you would see the cup floating to the station, and then this would be this voice. So the body saying, I know I'm not supposed to do this, but you can't stop me, Pam. You should probably do the same thing.

[Pam]

I'm just. This question is not related to anything, but even though I'm invisible, can I murder?

[Karen]

Sure.

[Dave]

I mean, it's up to you.

[Karen]

Okay.

[Pam]

My press conference is finished.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

No further questions.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

Help. Help. Help.

[Dave]

Help. I'm in the magazine. I'm a section of the magazine and I start off with breast discharge. Is this something icky? Is this how you're getting out of the army? Let's find out. While examining my breasts, I squeezed one of my nipples and a yellowish green liquid came out.

[Karen]

That's no free soda refill.

[Dave]

I checked the other one and the same thing happened. I'm worried and. Yeah, you probably should be, Becca. Now, is there any chance that she just was standing in front of two things that when you squeeze them, they actually do discharge? Yellow, like overripe cantaloupe?

[Karen]

Two Noses.

[Dave]

Yeah. The human body is disgusting, and no type more disgusting than the lady human body. Even though we're all human being parts, we are different in some ways. And one of the ways is you guys apparently have some sort of disgusting lab experiment inside your boobs. What's up with that one?

[Karen]

Nothing gross ever comes out of a penis.

[Pam]

Or a man's mouth or a man's butt.

[Dave]

Have you ever had, what is it called, Gak come out of your boobs?

[Karen]

No, but I think I've told the story before. About the time I had a cyst and that. That time stuff came out of my breast. It wasn't both at once.

[Pam]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave]

It wasn't great if that was my job. My job is to make stuff come out of your boobs.

[Pam]

That's not what happened, but.

[Dave]

Yes, but that's what they're trained for. That's their goal. Because every time I can make that happen, I'm going to say, dar she blows or oil.

[Pam]

Right. That's not what happened at all.

[Dave]

And then I press, wait, I'm not done. I got one of those big 70s tape recorders on my desk and I play it and it starts playing the theme to Dallas.

[Pam]

Here's what Dave will like. When you are lactating and you're actually like discharging all the time because someone.

[Dave]

Lives off of you just like all over the place.

[Pam]

Yeah. You don't get to that baby in time. And maybe you're like somewhere where some rando baby is crying. Your body will just try to shoot milk toward the crying thing. And that's the closest to what you're talking about.

[Karen]

I've heard that. That's crazy.

[Pam]

It is crazy.

[Dave]

Is it like Bugs Bunny food magnet where you just, like, your body gets up and you're led by your. You're led by your breast to the baby. You just slide across the restaurant floor.

[Pam]

Kind of.

[Dave]

Kind of like Denzel Washington at the end of Malcolm X. You just. You're not walking down the street, you're just floating. Baby. Baby food.

[Karen]

Yeah. And the baby sees you as a chicken leg. Even though they're not eating chicken legs yet, they still know that's what that means. That means food.

[Dave]

Your head turns into a big calendar.

[Pam]

Yeah. There is a. There is a specific face that a baby will give you when they're like, recognize that you have boobs, but your boobs don't do anything.

[Karen]

Yeah, I've seen that look.

[Pam]

They're like, what a traitor.

[Dave]

You're broken imposter.

[Pam]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave]

Just to Cap this off. I just noticed that pretentious people call this breast discharge galactorrhea, which is also the villain of my sci fi epic I'm writing.

[Pam]

So Godzilla vers colectorrhea.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Pam]

Well, Dave, first they go in with a needle to go where they're gonna, like, experiment. And then they take that needle goes pop. Like the loudest clacky sound. And they take some of it, and then they leave. And then they have to wait.

[Dave]

What's making the noise?

[Karen]

The needle.

[Pam]

The needle is snapping a piece of tissue that it wants to examine.

[Karen]

It's taking a core sample from the. From the.

[Pam]

Called the core body.

[Karen]

From the mass.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

In this case, what they did made it.

[Dave]

Wait just a. I just have a question that. I don't want to get scared when that happens. Your boobs go flying around the room as the air comes out of it.

[Pam]

Not if she's good.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Pam]

Not if she's good. And so it popped, which means it was probably a cyst. But then they were like, we gotta go and get whatever's left. So they go back in again looking for pieces of a popped balloon. That took a long time. Then they go back in a third time and they tag you like you're P22 from the mountains.

[Karen]

Oh, no.

[Pam]

And you've got a little tag in you forever.

[Dave]

Oh, neat.

[Pam]

So that if they look at it.

[Dave]

Again, it's gonna open up. Find my. On my phone.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Dave]

Pants. Boobs on the move.

[Karen]

It's a mamare tag.

[Pam]

It's so he can keep abreast of my situation.

[Karen]

Come on. Nothing for my mare tag. That was a good one.

[Pam]

I was too busy trying to get mine in.

[Dave]

Everybody's jokes were good, but Pam's was better.

[Karen]

They were all great.

[Pam]

No double Ds for everyone. It was great.

[Dave]

Now, okay, another theoretical question. If your boobs could be invisible, where would they go?

[Karen]

I think a lot of women wish have wished from time to time their. Their breasts could be invisible.

[Dave]

I think they go on top of your head.

[Pam]

Yeah. Or I could mail them off for such things. Yes.

[Dave]

They like to be. They like to be high up to see what's going on for a change.

[Pam]

Oh, my God. This is a Starlog jam. We've talked about tits for so long. Oh, that's the thing. I asked her, I was like, does anybody ever want to go back in and get this tag out? And she said, we did have one person. I was like. Because she was like, I don't want the government monitoring my tits. And she was like, Kind of, yeah.

[Dave]

Or to get an upgrade like WI Fi standard. Sevens out now, and you still got four in your boot.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Teslas come with boobtooth. I did it. Pay me. Pay me, someone.

[Dave]

Are we still on the first item of Help? I think we are. All right, time to move on to stupid.

[Pam]

We were just like, all of us, like, wow.

[Dave]

To stupid. Boy trick.

[Pam]

I thought all of this was.

[Karen]

Hail. I heard that the ingredient aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex in deodorant causes cancer. Is this true? No. The answer says it has been very sketchily linked to Alzheimer's disease, which I have certainly heard, but apparently that is not true either. Scientific American says if it plays a role at all, it's negligible. So, yeah.

[Dave]

Why you've been putting rocks in your armpit.

[Pam]

I'm so gross right now because my husband was like, listen, if anyone's gonna get it, it's you. Like, years ago, phased me out of antiperspirant. I've just been a sweaty stuff stinker covered in.

[Dave]

I'm glad it's you saying it because we've been itching to tell you for years.

[Karen]

I noticed your bad smell.

[Pam]

I only have five friends left, and it's the nicest ones. Well, I'm. I mean, I'm sweaty right now.

[Karen]

Tell him Scientific American said, please send.

[Pam]

Me the link because he's gonna ask.

[Karen]

Thank you, knuckle popper. I've been cracking my knuckles for two years. My finger joints are swollen and I can't wear any of my rings anymore. How can I stop and get my fingers back to normal? First of all, just stop. You're crazy. So I don't think that that is probably the reason, but I just wanted to bring this up for Dave's sake, because I know this is something he hates.

[Pam]

Oh, no.

[Karen]

You would do that to your mom? She was the one who hated it.

[Dave]

She hated it. She would file her nails in front of me, which I hate. And so in retaliation, I would start cracking my knuckles in a cold war of things that bother other people in your family about you. But she hated that more than filing her nails immediately in the moat. Don't. Pam. Put it away.

[Pam]

I didn't know. I didn't know.

[Dave]

My eyes are closed. Somebody tell me when it's over.

[Pam]

She's done.

[Karen]

But I. But I file my nails around you all the time, and you don't seem that bothered. I think you've got no.

[Dave]

If I pay attention to it. If you're Doing it overtly, it dissociates.

[Karen]

Okay, well, then that's what I would do when I was invisible. Filed my nails as freely as I wish.

[Dave]

That board. What is it? Emery board.

[Karen]

Emory board.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Dave]

That emery board is very much the same. I'm just going to call it a phobia as frosted glass, where if you put a frosted glass in my hand, I will immediately drop it and will shatter on the floor. And I will not be sorry about it because.

[Pam]

Yeah.

[Karen]

Have we talked about this before? That you can't touch frosted glass?

[Dave]

That feeling of frosted glass. Right now I'm getting antsy just thinking about the last time I had a frosted glass in my hand. And actually, my feet are twitching right now. I'm not joking. I feel like the emery board on the nails somehow evokes the same feeling in me, so I can't be part of it.

[Pam]

Particularly the one I was just not showing you anymore. It is actually frosted, glassy.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Karen]

Would she use the metal kind or the kind that was more like sandpaper?

[Dave]

Like disposable ones? Okay, so I think the sandpaper ones.

[Pam]

Yeah. Yeah. Cardboardy Vitamin Chat. I singled out because I was going to talk to you about the doctor calling me about my very low iron. Sharon L. Writes, I understand that iron keeps our energy level up and zinc is important in maintaining clear and healthy skin. But I said to the doctor, Dave told me I'm not allowed to take any more supplements. So luckily, I can find out what foods will provide me with some iron so I don't pass out here at the table. Yeah. So, you know, red meat, liver. I don't think we talk about liver all the time anymore. But back then, they were just constantly threatening to feed you liver no matter what. Your mouth, your grades, your food. Liver. I think it was a real cartoon staple.

[Dave]

Big Onion. That's who was pushing liver. You always hear about liver and onions, how to make liver more palatable. I know onions and all the kids rush in.

[Pam]

Yeah, they were onions, all right. Stuff you wrote, finally, again, was on an airplane that refused to let me docks. Turns out I do have kryptonite. But I can read to you. Michelle Zaks of San Diego's Excellent Stuff she Wrote. Here we go. What can I tell you that you don't already know? That I know how rain looks when I'm standing on my head.

[Karen]

Oh, come on. This is McConaughey for sure.

[Pam]

You want me to get into it?

[Karen]

Yes.

[Pam]

And the clouds on Tuesday. Hold on. It's been A minute. Hold on. I just got to get into my essence. That's right. All right. That's right. Okay. I gotta drop my balls. Okay. And the clouds on Tuesday resembled ice cream. And it takes one minute and 32 seconds to swim the border of my pool. Or that I forgot my locker combination and I cried. Or that I ran out of shampoo from cleaning my hair three times a day. It's turning into someone else. It's the lady that currently has, like that Netflix special Or the Netflix show with Morgan. Yes. That's what's happening three times a day. Maybe you care to know that I'm now an expert at crosswords. And I've figured out four new ways to write your name. What can I tell you that you don't already know that would make you see that I don't care that we've broken up. It's the best.

[Karen]

It's pretty good.

[Pam]

It's the best that I know how rain looks when I'm standing on my head.

[Karen]

Why are you washing your hair three times a day? How does that punish him?

[Pam]

She has all this time now because they broke up. This is what she's learned as she sits and waits.

[Karen]

No. No.

[Pam]

An expert at crosswords. Megan lacko of Chicago, Illinois let us know that there are 367 dues in Tom's Diner by DNA featuring Suzanne Vega. I was able to find out that Megan. Thank you. LinkedIn around with.

[Dave]

Over the very boring dog Bargain Club.

[Karen]

Megan Laclo Kaplan is a member support specialist at Wealthy W E L L T H Y. She is a certified health coach. Also percussion and drums is part of it as well. Somehow.

[Pam]

That's it. She's still counting those dues.

[Dave]

Health coach and percussionist. First of all. Health coach. Don't like the sound of that.

[Pam]

No. It sounds like Megan's living her best life. 7:20. Sassy. Go. Let us know. How do you do these days? Megan? Lack. Way to go.

[Dave]

Here's something else to get excited about. Is Kelly Schmidt. Dreams are eraser dust I blow off my page they fade into the emptiness Another dark gray day Dreams are only memories of the plans I had back then Dreams are eraser dust Dramatic pause. And I now use a pen.

[Pam]

Yes.

[Karen]

Nailed it. Next time it's the May 1991 pop culture episode. Out of Time in Paris is burning. Get reviewed. A Getty gets profiled. But not the one you think. Just kidding. Exactly the one you think. And a one to watch is all this and more.

[Dave]

If you are invisible and you're watching me record this. Get a load of the pants I'm not wearing.

[Pam]

Oh, no.

[Dave]

While you're here, leave $5 on the table and you can become a club member. You'll get the PDF that Tara scans in every month. You'll get access to the discord and. And here's a new bonus that we're just starting as Pam throwaways her old supplements. You can get one of the bottles, your choice.

[Pam]

Yep.

[Dave]

Shipping and handling included.

[Pam]

I hope you like glucosamine. You can also call us. Our hotline is 720 Sassy. Go. Leave us a voicemail about the show or the magazine and we may play it on a future episode. You can find more information about the podcast, links to our visual aids and contact info for all of us at. Listen to Sassy.com Speaking of, we'll be taking the May 91 quiz in a couple of weeks, but you can take it now. We put it up online. Go to listontosassy.com and find out. Are you a big fat bore? Tell no one and then you can call the hotline at 7:20 Sassy. Go to tell us how insulted you are by your results. Thanks so much for listening and we will see you next time. You're right. Look at her. There she is. She's a pediatrician.

[Dave]

Let's call her up. What if that was the show just doxing people in real time and calling them up and see if they remember they were in magazine.

[Karen]

Tell us what we need to know about hay fever.

[Pam]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave]

Remember everything from this period. If you don't, it'll be a disappointment.

[Pam]

She got out of Texas. According to the Internet, they think it's cool.

[Dave]

I don't remember why I did this one either, so it's just kidding.

[Pam]

All right.

[Karen]

Anybody feels strongly scared to go to the gynecologist? I'm a total virgin and I can't use tampons.

[Pam]

There's no way I'm going to let some doctor do a Pap smear. Who's supposed to do it? Who's supposed to do it?

[Dave]

Pap smear. Graham.

[Karen]

Jeff down at the service station, he's going to put me up on the struts. See what's going on up there.

[Pam]

I asked that nice Mormon boy if he give me a Pap smear and he won't call me back now. This is so rude.

[Dave]

I think Galactoria's doomsday device is the gynophobia.

[Karen]

Ray your vagina.