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Welcome to the live big broadcast with Derek Greer. We believe this teaching from God's word will empower you to live a full impactful life in Christ. Let's dig in.
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We are in part two of our parenting series and we're gonna begin in two Samuel chapter 13, beginning with verse 19. Some of this will take a moment before you pick up if you did not if you weren't with us last week. Verse 19. Then Tamar put ashes on her head. She back in this time, ashes were a sign of mourning. And the bread she had just cooked for Amnon, she reached in and she took the hot ashes out, put it on her head, covered her face, and even as she cried, her steer tains would go through the ash and black tears would drip from her face. And all of this was a sign of her grief. You see, things bottled up in life tend to resurface in uglier forms later until we address them. And I recognize that everyone in this room is strong and independent and, and bold and brave. But God gave us tears so we can't hide from the sight of those we love how much we need help at times. And in this moment, she tore her robe of many colors. Joseph, if you recall, also wore this robe of many colors. And this robe represented the fact that she was a princess. This was her mantle. But after what had just happened, she did not feel like a princess anymore. Ammon had hurt her, abused her and then kicked her out. And one of the most self destructive things you can do in life is believe the opinion of someone who doesn't love you. And she's battling with this is the way he treated me, the way I supposed to be treated. Did I do something to merit what just happened in that bedroom? And she laid her hand on her head and went away crying bitterly. This was not just a gentle tear running down her face. This was not flying. I mean, these are tears pouring down. She wept all the way home. You see these types of tears, maybe they're 1% water, but they're really 99% pain. And no one can cry these types of tears for you but you in Absalom, her brother said to her, you see, she couldn't go to daddy because daddy wasn't healthy. And daddy would only make excuses for his sons. Parenting principle number one, a good parent is not just someone a child comes from, but a person a child can run to. David had not yet developed into that man just yet. And before we beat up on David, we got to look a little bit into his background. How did David get here. And sometimes the question is not what's wrong with you as much as what happened to you. Let's go back in David's life. First, Samuel 16:10. This is just one glimpse into probably a regular experience for David. Thus, Jesse, who was David's daddy, made seven of his sons pass before Samuel. Now, having Samuel come to your home in these days was very much like having the President of the United States come to your house. He was the judge of the nation, he was the prophet of the land. And so, you know, you have President Obama, President Biden, President Trump coming to your table, and you intentionally don't invite one of your kids to dinner. And eventually the prophet, he knows God called him to, you know, appoint, anoint one of the children. But, you know, we know in part and see in part, so we don't always know all the details, but he did know. Listen, God, you sent me here, but. But in his gut, none of these kids are the one you want me to anoint. So he said to Samuel, the Lord has not chosen these, and God does not choose the way we choose. You see, you may have children you may enjoy more than others. Maybe it's because of their maturity level, maybe it's because of shared interests, maybe it's because of shared values. But never let it be because there's a child you love less. You see, enjoying a child is not the same as loving a child. You see, if your son is incarcerated, your daughter is incarcerated. No, there's a limited amount of enjoyment you can have. And it's not that you love that child less, but that child that you know has done what they needed to do and can come to your house and be at dinner. There's just a level of enjoyment. Do you understand what I'm saying? So, you know, with God the father, God wouldn't love me less if I went sideways, but he wouldn't get the same level of enjoyment. So what I'm trying to do is bring enjoyment into the heart of my father. You hear what I'm saying, Father God? And each of us, when we walk into the room, we want to bring joy. Not just say, well, God loves me, but bring joy into the heart of the father. And Samuel said to Jesse, are all the young men here? Well, then Jesse says, well, you know, there's this one kid and there he is. So, meaning David. You know, they could see David, so he was within sight, but he intensely did not want him to come. And he was out there keeping the sheep. So the most respected man in all of Israel shows up for dinner at Jesse's house. And Jesse calls all his sons except one. How many of you know that had to sting. Yeah. And Samuel said to Jesse, send and bring him. The dad only invited David because Samuel pressed him, meaning dad didn't want David at the table. And this is why some scholars say that David was really the son of Jesse's cheating heart, the son of Jesse's philandering, the son of Jesse's wandering eye, the son that he was not particularly proud of having. Now, I can't be sure, but I could kind of read that into the text. All I do know is that David grew up feeling very, very left out. And it's highly possible that David's dad was just a little bit harder on David than the others. And this could be the reason why David overcompensated with his own kids. Perhaps his dad was, you know, was a little harsh with him and all. It's like, well, I will never do to my children. But you see what I learn in life Hurt people. Hurt people. And principle number two, good parents know raising a child is not making up for the deficiencies in your childhood. It's about giving your child what they need for theirs. Back to 2nd Samuel 13:20 in Absalom, her brother said to her again, she couldn't go to dad. She had to go to brother. Has Amnon, your brother, been with you? Obviously, Absalom was suspicious of Amnon's request when Amnon asked for his most beautiful sister to go to his house. And if he didn't suspect something, he would not have been able to guess this as quickly as he did. You see, anyone paying attention could have seen this coming. But David, as a daddy, was asleep at the wheel. And some wheels you just can't fall asleep at. I'll sew you up before we're done. But now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother. Wow. The gist of what he was saying underneath that bald statement that's very painful, is that Tamar, if you take this public, it's going to be a disgrace to the entire family. You see, every family has secrets. And sometimes this can be okay, because everything's not everybody's business and people need space to grow and all the rest. But we got to be careful. A family secret is like keeping an unspoken promise. But if it remains unaddressed by those in the family, it can become an unspoken prison. So he said, don't take these things to heart. Absalom tried to comfort his sister by saying, sis, this was not your fault. This was on Amnon. This is about his issues, his lust, his lack of discipline, what's wrong in his heart. But these were words she ultimately needed to hear from dad. It's amazing how often we blame ourselves when other people hurt us. But it's something all of us do. Often we confuse accepting responsibility with accepting blame. You see, I must always accept responsibility for my choices. But I will never accept blame for someone else's. As much as I love you, as much as your parents may love you, your life is not their circus. And it's not their monkeys. It's yours. So Tamar watch this. Remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house. She gave up on herself and she gave up on her future. What someone else does may define them, but never let it define you. And when King David heard of all these things, he was very, very, very, very angry. He didn't take steps to fix the issue. He just became emotional. And many of us kind of lead that way. We just get emotional. It's just a bunch of bluster or door slamming, things breaking. But the issue is never or seldom addressed. Principle number three. Discipline is helping a child solving a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. But abandonment is acting like the problem does not exist. And in this situation, David abandoned his daughter one more time. Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. The motivation of discipline is not to vent your anger. Never hit your children or react to your children out of anger. Respond. Take a moment. Discipline is a decision you make to help solve a problem. Whether that's taking away a phone, whether it's you can't go out or you need to do X, Y and Z. Discipline. The motivation is, I want to help make you stronger. I want to help make you better. Punishment, though, is making a child suffer for having a problem. I'm going to get you. I'm so mad at what you did. You embarrassed me. And somehow it becomes about you instead of the benefit of the child. But abandonment, doing nothing is acting like the problem doesn't exist. 22. And Absalom spoke to his brother Amnon. Watch this. Neither good nor bad. Absalom maintained the ultimate poker face. Because deep down in his heart, he planned to do to his brother what his father wouldn't do. You see, nature abhors a vacuum. Where we don't lead, someone else will step in and fill that gap. And Absalom actually ended up filling the role of Tamar's father. And it was a role he wasn't equipped for there were emotions he wasn't yet ready to manage. So men and women, when we step back from things we're assigned to do, it just creates a gap that culture fills, or Pookie fills, or Slick Rick feels, or somebody that ought not be in that seat, or even a child that's just not developed enough to handle that pressure. But it was because we didn't step up. And, you know, in this generation, there are things God wants us to do. And in this culture, it seems that a lot of the wrong people are stepping up, but it's because the righteous are silent. But if we would step up, if we would step in, if we would lift our voice. You hear what I'm saying? Others would not have such a platform. For Absalom hated Amnon. Hatred injures the hater more than the hated because it shrinks the character of the carrier. He hated Amnon. And I understand this. I get this. In fact, first time I read these narratives, I was like, I get Absalom. In fact, Absalom, I don't blame you. I get it. And I understand Absalom. And if I tell you more about myself, don't judge me. But I needed Jesus in my life because I was the type of guy, do me wrong, and if I can't respond in that moment, I'm a lay in the cut. And right when you don't least expect it, I'm going to pop up and remind you. You hear what I'm saying? Yeah. So I was. I needed. I was that type of guy. So I understand Absalom. So he hated Amnon. So every day he'd think about it, because he forced his sister Tamar. I mean, he had every good reason. But some things, as horrible as they are, you gotta leave to God and leave to the authorities. You hear what I'm saying? It's not worth going to prison over. Leave it to God. Don't ruin two lives. Leave it to God. And it came to pass after two full years. So Absalom again laid in the cut for two years, waiting for an opportunity to get even. Now, in many ways, Absalom was a remarkable young man because he was smart and he was cunning. Imagine if he would have used his cunning for good. So then it goes on as sheep shearer. Time comes, which is, you know, really like their Christmas. It was a time of celebration. Everyone was happy. And you were going to get new clothes because the wool was there. And you might even eat, you know, some lamb. You called people over and there'd be celebration And Absalom invited all the king's sons. Then Absalom came to the king after he invited his brothers and said, because he knew, by the way, that Amnon probably would not come because Amnon was just a little bit embarrassed. And Amnon was probably not comfortable around Absalom because, you know, he had this grudge. So what Absalom's doing is working on making sure Amnon's there another way. So he says to the king, kindly note, your servant has sheep shearers. You know, it's that time of year. Please let the king and his servants go with your servant. So Absalom understood if David came, all of his sons would have to come too, because that's the way you honored the king. But the king responded to Absalom, no, my son, let us not all go now, lest we be a burden to you. You see, in those days, they respect, I know respect is so far gone today. But back then you still respected people, you respected people's office, etc. And you could not invite a king without presenting a feast fit for a king. And David knew that this would be a lot on his son and all his servants. And it just required too much. So David, for one of the rare times, says no. But then Absalom begins to urge him. He does his very best. He's like, you know, David, come on, come on, dad, you know, come, this is important to me, whatever. But David would not go. But David did bless him, which was great. But when David declined, Absalom moved to plan B. Then Absalom said, okay, dad, if you won't come, please let my brother Amnon go with us. Now, this made sense because Amnon was the crown prince. He was the oldest son, and people expected him to become king after David. So what he was saying in effect is, dad, since you won't come, send the prince in your stead. And it was a fitting, you know, invitation. And the king said to him, why should he go with you? So the king is, you know, he's suspicious. He knew what had happened and what absence Amnon did to Absalom's sister. But David still had not quite learned the lesson we talked about last week. He still had a problem giving his children well placed no's. And as a parent, you gotta learn not no for everything, but well placed. Some things are just not good for you yet. You hear what I'm saying? Some things will take you to the wrong place. I remember when I was in my teens, I thought I was grown, probably about 13. I thought I was a grown man and I wanted to go see Staying Alive and y' all, I know I'm really dating myself. It was the movie, you know, John Travolta, crazy stuff. And my mother said no. Well, she knew what type of stuff watching that movie would bring out of me. So in her wisdom, she said no. Of course, I snuck and saw a stain a lot. But the point is, a well placed no sometimes lets a child know you care. You know, the only day I don't have a little thing in here is the day I need it because I am sweating. You got something to. You know, it's just a little bit warm in here. Honey, Would it be okay if I took my jacket off? She told me no earlier, so. Okay. See, I do take directions, so. All right. There we go. Thank you. Okay. I'm good. And the king said, why should he go with you? But Asalam urged him. It was against David's better judgment, but he let Amnon and all the king's sons go with him. What you think is about to happen now? Absalom had commanded his servant, saying, watch now. When Amnon's heart is merry with wine, watch this. He waited till Amnon was most relaxed, most vulnerable. And when I say to you, strike Amnon, then kill him. Now, those of us familiar with the Bible recall as David made Bathsheba's husband drunk, then murdered him. Amnon, his son, made his brother drunk, then murdered him. You see, a parent seldom has the clarity to see the worst in themselves until it reappears in their children. He said, do not be afraid. Have I not commanded you? Be courageous and valiant. Good things. But Absalom understood that his servants would be reluctant to take the life of one of the king's sons. And God had already prophesied that the sword would never leave David's house because of his sin with Bathsheba. And now the whole process has begun. So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king's sons arose. If we don't face our problems when they're smaller, they only grow taller. If we don't deal with issues when our child's 2, 4, 6, 16, when they're like 28, 35, 59, it becomes very, very difficult. You have a space in your child's life to influence them like none other. And don't miss your window of opportunity. Do you hear what I'm saying here? All the king's sons arose. No one likes confrontation. But all of his children are now running from one of his sons because of the monster David helped to create, because David avoided dealing with issues as they arose. You see, avoidance may be the best short term strategy to escape conflict, but it's the best long term strategy to ensure an explosion. And when you kicking stuff down the road, you need to deal with, whether it's with your children, whether it's with your spouse, whether it's, you know, I have found, I know I have a perfect marriage and perfect children and everything, but I have found that when me and my wife go on vacation, that's normally where we start having some arguments. You see most of the other, we're too busy and, you know, I think we got it covered. But then we go on vacation and stuff starts popping up because you're not so busy and so distracted. And what we find is avoidance. Don't make the issues go away. All it does is smile. What could be good times or better times? And what I've learned is to keep a short account with people. I mean, when it comes up, if you have the relationship, I'm not talking about being a whiner and always finding fault. Oh, you're going to hurt me when. Because you just, you know, you accidentally did not say hello, you know, because really you were looking the other direction. I'm not talking about some silly. But when stuff comes up, keep a short account and deal with it quickly. Because if you don't deal with it quickly, it's only going to grow. And what you could have, yeah, pulled up as a seed is now this huge oak and it got deep roots and it's attached to all this other stuff because you didn't deal with it quickly. So we're talking about parenting. But really, in this series, what I've really been talking about is avoidance. And it can be applied to parenting, but it can also be applied to relationships. Avoidance is one of the more deadly and dangerous things. One of the things about avoidance is you don't really realize often you're doing it because you justify it in your mind, say, well, you know, I didn't want to hurt their feelings or I just wanted to wait to a better time. But you know, sometimes you do need to wait for a better time, but not another time. You know. You know, a lot of times it's just an excuse not to deal with the issue. So in this series, last week and this week, we've already talked about seven steps and I'm going to repeat them. Number one, you will never help a child overcome their weakness by pretending they're not there. So you do your child no favor by acting like it's okay when it's not okay. Same thing with your spouse. You do your spouse no favor by acting like it's okay when it's not okay. Number two, A good parent knows a child may at times need help telling the truth. Not that your child's a liar. I know my kids tend to tell me the truth. They tell me straight and all the rest. But I also noticed they often told me half the truth. So they needed some pointed questions to get the further truth. Number three. We learned a well placed no is healthy for a child. Every now and then, the child won't die. True story. They might even grow. Parents must live with the fact that one day their children will follow their example and not their advice. So you got to live this thing and live like you're the solution to their issue. Number five. And this is where we were today. A good parent is not just someone a child comes from, but someone a child can run to. Number six. Raising children is not about making up for the deficiencies in your childhood. Well, you didn't get a whole lot when you were a child. So you give your child everything and you spoil them. That's a dangerous thing. Raising children is not about making up for the deficiencies in your childhood. It's about giving your kids what they need for theirs. Number seven. Discipline. Watch. This is helping a child solve a problem. Discipline is designed to help. It's not the same as punishment. Never strike a kid in anger. If you're super angry, shut up, hold your tongue and wait for. Wait. You can respond and not just react. If you speak when you're angry, you're gonna give the greatest speech you'll ever regret. Punishment is making your child suffer for having a problem. I'm gonna get you because you did that. You embarrassed me. I'm mad at you. We're not to punish children for having problems because children have problems. That's why they have parents to help them. But the worst is probably the last. But abandonment is acting like the problem does not exist. You see, David loved the Lord, the great psalmist of Israel. Problem was he just had some blind spots. And those of us in this room, we're good people. You love the Lord. I mean, David wrote the Psalms, he worshiped. He was the lead worshiper of Israel. He was an amazing king. Why? Strong in battle, but he had blind spots. And some of the issues or some of the right traits in his life, he kind of had in one area. But he didn't let it go to other areas. So like some of us are kind on Sundays, but then Mondays, you know what I'm saying? You know, we're good in one area, but we gotta sprinkle it through every area of our lives. You see, if David would have faced his family the way he faced the giants in his life, if some of us would be as intentional, as diligent as we are on our jobs with those we love in our family, if we would pay attention to our wives as hard as we studied for that degree that got you that car and that home you live in, My Bible says we are to live with our wives according to knowledge. The Hebrew is literally, you need to study your wives. Why? Because they're not easy. You're not going to get them in a day. And then they say, you think you got them, then they change. They just change. They just change. They just change on you. They just shift. They'll keep it fresh. Preaching? Yes, I am. It says study, but I learned in my life. I not only study my wife, I study my children. When my children would go out to parties, my wife would always hug them when they got home. By the way, I wasn't the one who stayed up. I went to sleep. I'm like, that joker's just got to figure this out. Like, if I get a call, I'll wake up. I need Jesus, but she hug him. You know why she hugged him? To smell him. Had nothing to do with affection. Everything to do with wisdom. When I come home. Just joking, just joking, just joking. First Samuel 17:48. It's going to be quick. I'm going to wrap up in just a second. Now, David would have done if he would have approached his family and ran to his family the way he approached the giants in his life, his life would have been very, very different. 1st Samuel 17:48. So it was when the Philistine arose and came and drew near to meet David. David hurried. One translation said, ran. Watch this. Ran toward the army to meet the Philistine David. Whenever he ran toward the battle, he always won. But whenever he ran from and away from the battle, he'd lose. And sometimes I know in my life I don't always feel like being outspoken. I don't always feel like being the point person. I don't always feel like having to deal with the hard issue. But I've learned when I don't run to the problem and from the problem, I always, again, David was not a bad man. You're not bad parents. You love Your children, you love the people in your life. But in certain areas he began to avoid the hard. And I even know as a pastor when I start avoiding hard conversations, stuff starts happening in the church and stuff that could have been corrected at the this level. Now I got to deal with at that level. You hear what I'm saying? What I'm trying to impress upon you today is it's not about being a tough guy, trying to be just hard nosed. It's about loving your children and loving those around you. And if you don't deal with it at that level, it's just going to grow until you know at one point you could have used your finger. But now you need a chainsaw. Not only chainsaw, you need ropes on the tree and all the rest of the stuff to keep it from breaking the fence in the house when it falls because you let it grow so large. And God don't want you to tear up your house and your fence and all the rest. He wants you to deal with things while they are small. Avoiding problems we need to face is really avoiding the life you need to have. And the only way to have the life God wants for you is to deal with some issues boldly. Now do want a few caveats here. Don't go into your house like how or whatever in the china store. Use wisdom and consideration and grace and sometimes though you gotta be firm. But deal with your issues. Well, you know this wouldn't happen if that external thing wouldn't happen. No, that thing was already there. The external thing just made it surface. And I would rather deal with things before external things come to make me have to. Do you understand what I'm saying? Then David put his hand in his bag. And all I've been doing for two weeks now is filling your bag. You have seven stones, you have things that can affect and impact your life. Then David put his hand in his bag. The problem is some people don't have any tools in their toolbox. They don't have any skills to reach down for, to address situations. So I'm not just trying to preach you happy, I'm trying to preach you wise. And he took a stone. Meaning it may not be all seven stones you even need, it might just be one. And he slung it. He didn't just hear it, touch it, feel it, imagine what he could do. He used it. These principles today that I said, then we reviewed and went over. Don't just hear them, don't even pick all seven. Just pick one and say I'm going to apply it graciously, but I'm going to apply it firmly in my life. I'm going to have a conversation with that child, you know, and it doesn't necessarily mean, you know, come downstairs right now, sit at this table. I'm going to talk to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that. I know with my sons, they're both different, and I have to approach them, particularly as they're older. I really have to approach them differently because they're wired differently. DJ I would talk to most of the times on the way to his basketball practices. And DJ Just like to run shotgun, too, so it was a little easier. David was. He liked to build stuff. So whenever I went to Home Depot or Lowe's or something, I'd put them in the car. But what I would do is really strategic on the way. You know, we might listen to a little music for a second. We bob our heads, but then we turn the music off. And he stuck with me until we get to where we're going, so he has to talk with me, and then we'll have a conversation. And you do this over and over again. Just have some moments where you're kind of stuck together now. They're grown now, so I could say these types of things. I couldn't have preached this message 10 years ago because then they would have avoided all these things. Oh, but now your kids are here. Oops. But anyway, they'll love you for it. Be strategic and wait for that teachable moment. And sometimes in those conversations, it wasn't that I had a long story speech is, I might just have a question, but then they'll have a million questions. And then as I answer their question, it goes into another question. Then suddenly we're at Lowe's, and then we come, you know, walking down the aisles, trying to find what we find. But then we're stuck in the car going back, and we could pick up on that conversation. But you see, I had to make the investment. I had to be intentional. I had to be strategic about conversations with my children. Thank God for the TV set. But the TV set makes it so we don't have to talk. I've heard it said that going to the movies is the first worst date because you don't have to communicate. Well, at least go out to dinner, then the movies so you can do some talking. And maybe you don't have a whole lot to say on the first date, but hear what it's saying. We let people live. We watch people live their lives and watch people talk instead of us talk instead of us communicating, instead of us engaged. That's why even that first time, that's part of the year we start turning off the TV set. You're like, that's. What type of church is that? Well, you're forced to talk. You actually have to look at each other and have conversations and you're not distracted by, I don't even know what's on TV to use the names and stuff on there, but you're not distracted. And we need some time to make time really just to have some dialogue and conversations with one another. And David took the stones. He went into his toolbox, grabbed some tools. The goal of this series was to give you some tools to make you stop avoiding stuff so you can graciously address stuff. And he popped the philistine in the forehead. Use these tools and you will knock the devil down. You will knock the devil out. You will. So that one stone sank into his forehead and the giant fell on his face to the earth. So again, don't just hear me today. Don't just think about me today. Think about what I said today. Do it. The only thing I ask as I wrap up is just as David ran toward his giant. Make sure you run home to the biggest being that has ever been and you touch base with your Father in heaven before you try to address your children at home.
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Thank you for joining us. Until next time, remember you have what it takes in Christ to live big. We also invite you to partner with Derek Greer Ministries in bringing the life changing and impactful teachings of God's Word to the world. Get started by visiting Derekrer.com by clicking the link in the description.