Unknown Speaker 1 (34:07)
Hello, Portland. How are we? My God, it's good to be here. As of next year, it'll be 25 years for me doing stand up comedy. And thank you. I don't say that to brag. If you also focused only on one thing for 25 years at the expense of your friendships, personal growth and mental health, you too could one day perform in the basement of a children's restaurant in San Antonio, Texas, which you did not know was a children's restaurant until you got there and were greeted by a man dressed like a pirate who says to you, how can I help Yar? And it is in that moment you realize that the only difference between you and the pirate is that you work downstairs. And unlike him, this is your dream. So it's all been worth it. I have performed all over the world doing stand up comedy. But strangely, I've never performed in Long Island, New York, even though I grew up right next door in Queens, never performed in Long Island. And the reason for that is my mother worked in a hospital in Long island for 25 years. And I'm not sure what happened in this hospital, but she does not want me to play Long Island. It has been. It has been forbidden, right? And part of me gets it. You know, like in my mom's hospital, half the nurses quit during COVID because they refused to get vaccinated, right? Which. Which is a little strange. It's like, you know, if you're a cafeteria worker and you quit cause you refuse to wear gloves, right? Or if you're a proctologist and you quit because you refuse to wear gloves, it's like so. Something like that. But still, you know, I'm not scared to perform In Long Island. But my mom doesn't want me to do it. And recently I got an offer to perform in a club in Long island, right? The money was decent. So I text my mom. I'm like, mom, the boycott has to end. I need to make some money. Let me perform. And she texted back, hari, I worked with these people. You are not for them. They are very dangerous. Stay away. Have fun in Oklahoma. So something happened in Long Island. My mom is so funny. Here's another text she sent me. Stop writing down everything I say to you and write your own God material. I am the father of a four year old child, and thank you. I try to be a good parent, but it's so difficult because, you know, I have an iPhone and the iPhone just has so many more options than the kid. And, you know, and it would be so much easier if kids were like iPhones. You know, you could just lower the volume or raise the brightness. You know what I mean? Doesn't work that way. You're stuck with the factory settings. I'm trying to be a good parent, focus on my child, right? But I hear the phone, right? I hear it trying to seduce me, like, pick me up. Hurry. You know, you want to leave me alone. IPhone. Or Ra. I'm spending time with my child. This isn't the time. I know that. Hurry. But don't you want to know the difference between Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton? Only one of them is alive. But which one? I'm sure you want to know right now. Oh, hurry. No, no. IPhone. Leave me alone. IPhone. Okay. I'm spending time with my kid. It's dinner time. We don't have phones at the table. I know that. Hurry. But don't you want to take a buzzfeet quiz to find out which house in Harry Potter you would have lived in? The answer is none of them. Cause you're a muggle. Oh, hurry, please. IPhone. It's bedtime. I'm putting my kid to bed. I can't look at you right now. I know that. Hurry. But don't you want to find out if you can use ozempic on just your face? You can't. By the way, it's nice to be here in the Pacific Northwest. It's my favorite part of the country. Without a doubt, it's the northwest. That taught me to appreciate good coffee, right? My drink of choice is the americano with whole milk. Right? But I don't call it that anymore because whenever I said americano with whole milk, baristas used to put oat Milk in it by accident. Cause whole and oat sound similar. So now I say Americano with regular milk, right? So I was in a coffee shop recently, went to the barista. I said, I'd like an Americano with regular milk. And she said, do you really want to call it regular milk? Because, you know, it's not regular for everybody. Are you accusing me of being prejudiced against people that can't drink cow's milk? Are you saying I'm lactose intolerant? Intolerant? That's not a real thing. You know what I mean? We're talking about milk, not people. You know what I mean? And I'm sensitive to this because people will come up to me and say, hey, what are you? Which is like the more impolite way of saying, where are you from? Right? It's like saying, I don't care about your feelings. Why you look like that? So somebody asked me what I was and I just humored the person. I said, I'm Indian. And I said, well, what are you? And he said, oh, I'm just regular. That's messed up. Do you see the difference? That's people. That's not milk. I'm a regular. It should be in a rack on TJ Maxx, apparently. Love, love, love the Northwest. Love Seattle. But it's hard going to Seattle now. I see it's not the same city it used to be, in large part because of Amazon. Right? I just, oh, my God, I hate Amazon so much. And it's, it's, it's. I'm so glad that that union in Staten island happened, right? That they organized and they passed that union. But. And of course, the executives didn't like this when they passed the union and they accused the workers, the union organizers, of bribing the workers with marijuana in order to get them to vote for the union. So you're telling me that you think that weed was used to get people to actively do something? Do you know how this works? I'm here to vote for the union. That was yesterday. And this is a bathroom getting older, which is so strange. Man. There are moments that crystallize to me that, oh, I have aged. This one time I was talking to my friend's kid who's 15 years old and he wants to do stand up comedy. And so, you know, I told him what I always tell him. No. But I say, if you still want to do standup when you're 18, tell your dad and he'll give you my number or you can find me on Facebook. And When I mentioned Facebook to this 15 year old, the look on his face, it's like I said, would you like to ride in my steam powered locomotive? 42 years old. When I turned 40, people had the audacity to say to me, you know, hurry. You don't need to worry about 40. You know, 40 is the new 30. No, it's not. Do you know who disagrees? 40 is the new 30. Cardiologists, OBGYNs disagree, all right, 40 is not the new 30. If somebody tells you 40 is the new 30, you tell them to shut the hell up. And if someone tells you 10 is the new 20, you call the authorities immediately. Because that is not. It's not a real thing that people say. Do you know who doesn't think 40 is the new 30? The 25 year old barista I tried flirting with last week. She thinks 40 is 40. Got the look on her face when I tried. He's like, oh, I think he wants to be my Facebook friend. I know I'm getting older. I remember just two years ago, I tore multiple calf muscles playing pickleball. Pickleball, that's like low antennas, high end ping pong. Elderly people like to play because it's easy on their joints. And I wanted to play it so I could beat elderly people at sports, which did not happen, by the way. So I'm playing and I go for a forehand, right? And I go for the backhand. All of a sudden, I hear multiple pops coming from my calf, right? I hit the ground. Then two men twice my age drag me to the other end of the gym. One of them was wearing a life alert bracelet. And then two retired nurses had to take care of me. One elevated my leg, the other gave me aspirin and said, you know, young man, athletics isn't for everyone. And the only thing I heard was, young man. All right, what are you doing after this, Doris? You on Facebook? Hey, I hear 70 is the new 40. All right, thanks, everybody.
