Podcast Summary: “Healing the Lies We Believe About Ourselves”

Living Influence with Bill Thrall and Scott Boyd
Date: October 23, 2025

Overview of the Episode

In this intimate and vulnerable episode, Bill Thrall and Scott Boyd dive deep into the personal and universal topic of the lies we believe about ourselves—and how those lies shape our convictions, behaviors, and capacity for influence. The conversation centers on discovering our true identity as defined by God and the healing power of authentic relationships. Bill and Scott share personal stories, grapple with shame and vulnerability, and offer hard-earned wisdom about moving from isolation to acceptance and healing within trusted community.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Nature of Lies and Convictions

• Distinguishing Convictions from Lies: Many people organize their lives around convictions, but sometimes those convictions are built on lies believed about themselves.
  • Quote: "[I] realized something very important. The solution to that lie is not to work on the lie." – Bill ([03:39])
• Common Lies: Examples include "I don’t matter" or "I need to hide my shame.”
• How Lies Form: Childhood experiences—such as lack of love or traumatic events—plant deep-seated feelings of unworthiness.

2. Personal Stories of Shame and Insecurity

• Bill's Story:
  • Grew up in a large, emotionally neglectful family ("nine children, two parents... everybody was left to themselves" [01:53]).
  • Developed the conviction that he didn’t matter or wasn’t valued, shaping much of his relational life:
    "I didn’t matter. I wasn’t valued." – Bill ([01:39])
  • This led to perfectionism and seeking acceptance but not genuine connection.
• Impact of Shame:
  "The lie was feeding my shame, and my shame was convincing me that I really wasn’t worth knowing." – Bill ([03:09])

3. The Futility of Working on Lies by Ourselves

• Trying harder to "matter" or "stop hiding" only deepens the shame—attempting to solve these issues alone is a trap:
  "That puts you in jail... in prison, having to work on trying to matter." – Bill ([04:09])
• Paradox of Healing: Transformation happens not by working harder, but by receiving love:
  "The ultimate resolution to my lie is the genuine love of somebody." – Bill ([05:20])

4. The Power of Being Loved and Known

• Healing through Relationship:
  • Bill shares how a caring mentor, Gus Quinn, was the first to make him feel genuinely loved at age seven ([05:53]).
  • Bill’s wife Grace played a pivotal role by persistently offering love and proximity even as he pushed back:
    "Bill, why won't you let me love you? Why can't you trust me?" – Grace (as recalled by Bill, [06:45])
• Receiving Love as a Gift:
  "Love is meeting a need, a huge need. And it's not a transaction, it's a gift." – Scott ([05:20])

5. Safe Community and Vulnerability

• Scott’s Story:
  • Shares about his father leaving in the 5th grade and being taught to hide the family’s pain:
    "She taught us to lie.… so a lie that I believed was, oh, when I feel shame, I need to hide it." – Scott ([11:06])
  • Recognized that hiding was his automatic response to shame.
• The Solution is Community: Healing comes from being known in safe, trusted community, not by mustering courage to be vulnerable alone.
  • "What I'm really searching for is to be known. I don't feel safe right now... my solution forever has been to hide." – Bill ([12:41])
  • Cohorts/groups are intentionally built for safety (“we're not going to fix each other... what’s spoken in this room is holy.” – Scott [13:30])

6. The Mistake of Making Vulnerability a New “Law”

• Warning not to turn vulnerability into another performance trap:
  "I can now make this thing of being vulnerable my new law." – Scott ([15:17])
  • Attempting to be perfectly vulnerable all the time can itself produce new forms of shame and anxiety.
• True Solution: Trusting God’s declaration of our identity and leaning into relationships where others remind us of this truth.

7. The Role of a "Protection Team"

• Ongoing Need for Support:
  • Bill emphasizes having a “protection team” for 50+ years—trusted friends who remind him of the truth and help him step out into the light when he's triggered by old lies ([16:52]) "The power inherent in the sin that drives our shame is always broken in the light. Always." – Bill ([18:11])

8. Practical Approach to Listening and Sharing

• Shared techniques for safe sharing, e.g. separating issue-talking from commentary, and learning from both being the listener and the sharer ([19:08]).
• The experience of seeing others’ shame and loving them more—contrary to fears of rejection.
  "These people love you more. They respect you more. And so it's an amazing experience." – Scott ([14:59])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On futile self-effort:
  "No shame does not get worked on. Shame has to be resolved. And it can't be resolved by effort, but it can be resolved by love." – Bill ([10:00])

• On community as the antidote:
  "Each of us need others who can protect us, not fix us, who can stand alongside us and remind us of who it is God says we are." – Bill ([16:51])

• On the cycle of shame and healing:
  "The lie ignites the shame, and the shame ultimately destroys the person." – Bill ([17:26])

• On vulnerability:
  "You crack the door open... but you're convinced when you do this, they're going to abandon you. They're going to not respect you anymore. And then the exact opposite happens." – Scott ([14:44])

• On the power of light:
  "The power inherent in the sin that drives our shame is always broken in the light. Always." – Bill ([18:11])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:03 – Opening: Facing the lies we believe and how they shape our convictions
• 01:39 – Bill shares his core lie: "I didn't matter”
• 03:02 – How shame reinforces lies (“I was always insecure... embarrassment…”)
• 04:00 – Paradox: Why working on the lie traps us
• 05:20 – Receiving love as the healing gift
• 06:34 – Story of Gus Quinn: Receiving love for the first time
• 10:00 – Contrast between working on shame and resolving it by love
• 11:06 – Scott's story: Hiding shame, learning to lie to cover family pain
• 13:30 – Creating safety in community (“what’s spoken in this room is holy”)
• 14:44 – The surprising power of vulnerability
• 16:51 – Value of protection teams in leadership and personal growth
• 18:11 – Shame’s power is broken in the light
• 19:08 – Communication techniques for sharing and listening
• 19:47 – Invitation to reflect on personal lies and stories

Episode Takeaways

• The need to identify and confront the lies we believe about ourselves is crucial for personal healing and authentic influence.
• Healing does not come from self-effort, but from being genuinely loved and known by God and others.
• Safe community and trusted relationships are essential to break shame’s power, not “working harder” on fixing ourselves.
• Vulnerability, when received with compassion, leads to deeper connection, not rejection.
• Everyone, especially leaders, needs a “protection team”—a circle of people who remind us of the truth when old lies resurface.

This episode offers wise, practical encouragement for anyone stuck in cycles of self-doubt or shame, urging listeners to find safe relationships where the true self can emerge and thrive.