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The following podcast is a Dear media production and welcome back to another episode of Long Winded. Did you miss me? I don't care. Let me crack an Olipop for my sponsors. They asked to have multiple cans placed because one is not enough. It's not enough for anyone. When you give a mouse a cookie, they're just gonna ask for some milk. So here's two for them. Classic grape Delicious cherry cola. Disgustingly good. Okay, okay. Well, right off the top, I do. I do have something of a request. I literally. I don't ask for much. Even when I'm screaming for my money on live tv. That is what is owed to me. I don't ask for much. Even though to you it might seem like I have a lot to say. So I know I've heard of these Wikipedia super users that I'm going to enlist your help. This is. I'm sure this is the CIA of wiki pages. This is the fact of all facts. Of course, all Wikipedia, of all Wikipedia is right, wrong, wrong. Because I know for a fact that they have something wrong with me. They have my age wrong. And I've said it again and again and again. It's a safety risk. Don't. Because of you. Because of you getting my age wrong, I'm going to have to up my security. I can't afford Uniqlo anymore. Now we've gone from three to six. I need them at each point of the gate that does not exist around my backyard. And we're gonna have to go to the dollar bins at Goodwill. I don't care if it's ill fitting, get a belt and get platform shoes. If the pants are too long, you're too short. Ever thought of that? Don't start crying, okay? I know it's rough. It's rough being a short king. Or is it because they're having a moment? My age is wrong and. And I need to correct it. And every time I go in, it automatically goes back because it doesn't believe me as a super corrector with all of the sources and stuff. So here cite this long winded podcast at timestamp 305. That's all we've been going for. That's all we've been going. There's only this and you and this sitting in between me and my first joint of the day. I've been. I've been keeping it at arm's length the whole day and I've been staring it in the face. Should I smoke it? Should I smoke it midday? Should I answer these Meetings with the hit of an indica sativa buzz. Should I play with my fate? No. Here I am. So you're the only thing saying the way. Anyways, anyways, I've told you time and time again, my age is exactly late 20. I've told you. January 2, 1996-98. It's a late 20. It's when I was born at Mathers Air Force Base, Sacramento, California. Contact them if you need me. I was the ten pounder. They know who I am and they know my age. For some reason, Wikipedia has it wrong, but I need. This is an emergency. Mayday. Mayday. It is becoming a privacy security risk. I'm getting all kinds of dms. I'm getting all kinds of ad sponsorships for probiotics because they know. Because, because they think they know my age and they think a woman of. Of what Wikipedia age says needs a probiotic. Well, that goes for all ages. They're offering me. They're offering me all kinds of wellness exams that I just don't need because you don't know me. Have you ever heard of hipaa? Get my age. Right. Now that that's out of the way, let me wet the whistle. We've all seen or we've heard of our President Mr. Trump's health health assessment exam. Why you would release this to the public? Obviously for one reason and that I just saw somebody walk by and that is distraction from what is actually going on. Nobody asked her this. Why are you doing so much? Nobody has to see his health examination. And now that we've seen it, nobody is believing it. Again. Does anyone believe in hipaa? Because this is an invasion. This is. This is. This is not supposed to be released to the public, but whenever they do something like this, it's on purpose and it's not working on me. No, I. I see a gaslit when I. When I. I know a gaslit when I see one, and here's one staring right back at me. It's called the memorandum. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. More like a lie. More like a manipulation. Okay. Okay. It says 78 years, 10 months. Yeah. And I'm in my late 20s. Except. Except, except I am. And I'm not here to comment on anyone's weight. So. So everyone, everyone else has said their piece about, about how accurate a 75 incher could be to a 224 pounder. I don't know. I don't know. I. I try and stay away from all men over. Over the footage of 5 foot 7. I'm 5 foot 8 and I would like to beat the shit out of them if able. I need a power dynamic. I would like to look down upon them five, seven or less. Which is why my security guards need their pants tailored. I don't know how I have to explain this to you, but other people are saying it's not right. Other people are saying but. But again, I would never, I would absolutely never comment on a woman's body. A man, unless he's a biological. Oh, you don't like that? A taste of your own medicine. Okay. Arresting heart rate of 62 beats per minute. Yeah, on how much of a beta blocker, Metatropol and a statin mixed with that. And I didn't see, and I didn't see the. The beta blocker on his medications list. Yeah, you're. Yeah, you bet your ass I looked. Blood pressure 120 over. These are such textbook numbers. 98.6. This is literally copy paste from a textbook, you guys. Eyes normal. In what world? You're telling me at the age of 79, minus two months, give or take, plus or minus 12 or 14, your retina have not had an ounce of deterioration. I'm sure somebody could zoom in and find a contact on him. You're telling me there's no corneal, even abrasion at the ripe age of 80? No, I've been around an 80 year old and they can. None of them have eagle eye vision. Let me tell you. Let me tell you. They have about, they have about two month old vision. Because even at my age I'm experiencing something called a nearsighted. And I'm so excited to go to the, to go to the eye examiner. I used to have 2010 vision and now I've fallen behind. But that's okay. I don't need eyes like a hawk when there's, when there's frames of mew mew waiting to be put on my head above my ears. Please. Things are looking blurry. Then, then he's had a CT scan, an ultrasound and ekg. Why are you having all. Why are you having all of this More extensive testing. If everything's fine and all right and nothing to be concerned about, then how did we get there? So your carotids are clear. Why were they in question? Anyways, anyways, I'm not giving any medical advice. I'm just. Look, I'm an unregistered nurse. Take me or leave me. Trust me as far as you can throw me. Look, I'm just. I'm just allowed to. To say out loud what I read and What I think of it. Neurologic revealed, no abnormalities. Are. Are you yanking my chain? You're telling me leading a country with the type of. I wish I had a better vocabulary for gaslight but it really, it really is the it girl of the Internet. Gaslight with. You're telling me it's causing you no stressors oppressing the people of your country. You're telling that it's really not stressful. All of your neurologies are intact as you lie to us face to face about everything that you open your mouth about. It's of course it's not stressful. Being on the stand for felony charges more often than not. Of course it's not stressful. Of course you don't have one spike in a quarter in a cortisol that would affect your neurologist. Because everything's normal. Because everything's fine. Even you're 80 years old and flying across the world to sit at a six hour funeral and you're not even a little stressed. Give me something. I know you. I know you're hitting the Xanax prn. You're awfully uninhibited with those dance moves which who can argue, they're pretty good. Oh God, not the tariffs again. 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What kind of doc? What? Who is your doctor? The White House doctor. Where did you go to residency in the first lady's bedroom, you pervert. This is the doctor of the White House. And you're probably doing her breast exams, which you know you shouldn't even be doing with your fingertips because they're filled with silicone. So they need an ultra supersonic device mammogram to squish them enough, but just enough so they don't pop, but enough so you can see if there's any risk of a metastatic lump. You can't do that with your bare fingers because I know you're not wearing gloves, you White House doctor. And you should have a chaperone. Who's your chaperone gonna be? Abe Lincoln. He's gonna. He's gonna wake up finally from the Lincoln Memorial and stomp all around in that white statue like marble and sit in and be your witness while he's dead. And his corneas actually have been abrased because the Lincoln Memorial is. I don't even know how old, but really fucking old. If I remember correctly, from when it was built. Yeah, he sounds really credible. What is he, a chiropractor? What is he breaking all the bones of the er. What? Yeah, he's breaking all your boners. It seems like it. The way he's wrote up your health assessment lying through his teeth, risking gain his medical license on the line to publish rows and rows and rows of lies. Dermatologic. No issues. Tell that to Bondi Sands. They need to get there. This is a marketing tool. They need to get a kickback in Trump's moose. But he buys some. He buys, he buys some of. Of the Bonde Sands. It goes back into the stock and then they get more money and they're able to ship from Australia. That's really far. But you're going to tell his dermatologic is normal. Please throw me a bone. And he's prescribed a cream. Disgusting. Disgusting. Because I know where it goes. You're. You're itching. Nobody told you to wash underneath your scrotum in the Doge cabinet. Nobody told you and all of your security. CIA. What do you call them? Defense Secretary, Press Secretary, Department of what ever the wash your balls. That's what your cream is prescribed for. You can't tell me any different. What is this doctor? Who is this doctor? I knew it. I knew it. Ao. Of course, of course they're still doctors. They just did not get into their first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh choices of medical school. Of course it's the same. No, definitely stop. I know. And while we're on the topic, I might as well breach the subject of a tariff. A tariff. It's tearing and riffing all of the relationships. It's personal. It is personal at this point. It's whoever pisses Trump off. And I get it. And honestly. Same honestly saying because as I was once told, I am loyal to my beefs and that I'm. I'm more passive of sorts. So. So. So you're going to wonder what's Gabby going on about this time? What's. What is she all pissed off? About this time, after you get an automated text asking me to walk a loop around the res that's going to cost you 10% of your energy expenditure. Drop down and give me 20, says the automated text. Now, because there's attacks on the emotional damages of, of how you treated me last week at the barbecue. I didn't like it. I didn't like that you didn't pay any mind to me. But I drove 20 minutes out of the way sober to spend time with you on a Sunday at 6pm no, that's going to cost you. Here comes another one. Oh, can I borrow, Can I, can I just borrow that gray sweater of yours that you've had forever? No big. I'm looking for something warm when we go to the country this week. An automated test automate, automated text message that's going to cost you 125% of what it costs to buy. Okay. Okay. What's up with you? It got back to me what you said about my eyebrows and how it makes me look old. Yeah, there's going to be attacks on that. This is personal and I can relate. So it's like we all better be careful so we know what's coming. The second that Grandpa Trump and Daddy Poo start fighting again, there goes the pierogi. There goes our beloved potato dumpling. Yeah, I. With the pierogi with it hard. I like them stuffed with anything, really. I forget what they come stuffed with, but there's a really good restaurant in New York, like on a corner somewhere. I don't know. It's delicious. I try and go every time I'm in New York, the line is out the door. I get. I get a cabbage roll filled with some beef in a fuck ton of pierogies with both kind of sauces. One's a vegetarian filled with mushrooms. After a little bit of the indica joint I'm going to hit after this. Too bad I'm in la. I'll be up all night thinking of a pierogi and hoping that there's no fight on the horizon because they won't be getting any into our country, I'll tell you that much. Kiss your task rabbit goodbye. No, this is where. This is the only time I'd like to see a man is mounting. Is mounting the two TVs, which it doesn't. Which each TV is going to cost 1.5 hours. And so, so it's like. And I have to pay that plus 125% because they all hail from Russia. They're strong like ox and this is who I want hanging the paintings and the TVs on the wall in these track curtains. And of course, they're gonna get a steak dinner to have a break. What do you think we are? What do you call. What do you call. What do you think we are? Evil and mean people. No, no, we don't want the tariffs just as much as you don't want the tariffs. Say goodbye to your basics. You like that crisp white tea with the perfect collar. And you have one in every color, black and brown. But you never use the brown from Zara. Sayonara, Zara. Because me, you, and Mrs. Schmidt. Oh, my God. Because me, you and Mrs. Are going to get our first piece of clothing out of mainland China right now because of the tariffs. That is a Moira Rose quote. Please get it together. Are you dull? Do you even know Queen Moira Yahweh? Hail. We heal. All right. And there goes. There it goes. There goes all of our affordable shopping. Yes. Our retail therapy. Now we're gonna have no choice but to wallow. I saw a headline today. Madison Beard says whatever her name is. Beer beard. I. I don't wallow anymore. It does nothing for me. Speak for yourself. Not all of us can have rock hard tits and an ass like, whoa, I'd like to wallow. I didn't even mean. I didn't even mean it. I didn't mean to rhyme. And because of all that. Yeah, we're in a recess re the tin fish craze taking over. Are you into tin fish? Are you into tiffish? I'm like, oh, is that some sort of a recipe? No, it's just a sardine. Well, you bet your ass. In this economical climate. And I'm. I'm in on some kind of a sweet herring. But I can only have one or two at a time. Robbie can have. Really? The whole jar dates back to her childhood in the baked bean. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 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No, now is not the time to put all of your money into the Stock market. No, you need to take it all out. We need to go on bank baby. Withdraw it. Withdraw it while they still have it and count it. No, because I bet you're going to be short because they're not going to have all of your cash. We know what the banks are doing with our money. It's spending it on other things. Will give it to me back. Right now we want it back. And it's going underground. I'm my own bank. I will install one of those tubes. Remember those in the drive thru atm? Yeah. I love them. You could put in the can. Sucked it right up. We're gonna do a tube. We'll put a bank teller down there too, in the ground. Water it, feed it, of course, take care of it. Three squares. And we'll have a bed for it. Also underground. Maybe it can be like a. Maybe not quite AI but maybe like a low level robot. So it won't even need feed and watering. It can just go down there. It has one claw. Okay, but I'm not supporting. Don't even, don't. You're mixing my words. I'm not supporting AI but I need something to help me become unbanked because Chase is in the backyard and we're gonna need some transactions. So we're gonna get the tube going. Put all of your money underground. Put it in your underwear drawer. Put it somewhere. But your underwear drawer is probably disgustingly dirty with skiddeds all around. Yeah, you got skids on your Benjamin Franklin's. Yeah, you skidded them up. Because I know who's watching your underwear. Nobody. Not even you. They're dirty, they're disgusting. But if there's one thing I learned that you can actually wash money, you can clean it. As evidenced by the movie Bound. I just watched it. I'm doing my lesbian research. And whatever they say is fact, not fiction. You can give it a. You can give it a good scrub and hang it up all around your living room, clothespin by clothespin, and you'll feel like you're in the mob of sorts. Get your shovel, get some fertilizer or some kind of ground. Like you need the ground to go back, some cement and get the latitude and longitude so you can go back. Knock, knock, knock on your bank teller whenever you need some money to go out for dinner. We're cash only. This is what our future looks like. But I don't feel one thing. Because I'm numb. Because I can't feel a thing. Oh, I was on a Reddit thread the other day that Was like, what are some subtle signs that people are depressed that you wouldn't actually know that people you know are depressed? And one was like, when they start saying their point of view because they just don't have the energy to argue. Me since the day I was born. This isn't going to be a change. No, I never know because I'm too tired to care. I'm exhausted, as you know. You think I'm going to. You think I'm gonna fight with stupid because everyone that's not me is pretty stupid. So there's no ground to gain here. I'm going to keep all of my opinions to myself. Yes. Yes. I'm operating out of a deficit. I cannot tell you the difference between affect and effect. I actually don't know those. I cannot tell you the difference between I don't know anything because I don't care, because I don't care about you enough to actually tell you these things anyways, you get it. And who would have thunk? Another. Another anomaly, metaphysical unpredictable event. One of each. One of each drink of an ollipop. That is for those of you listening who need to be watching already. But I understand. I understand, understand you need a distraction on the way to work, as do I. But why don't you hit the play button while you sleep at night and give. Give your old girl a view, won't you? Come on. Okay, okay. So we are united as a country, as the community. No, not over baked beans and tin fish, but over Jojo Siwa. I understand this might just be a country of one, and I'm okay with that. It's niche. But anyways, it has. It really has gotten all of my attention recently on this new season. Or I guess it's done now. This latest season of UK Celebrity Big Brother. People are like, oh, Gabby, you should go on Celebrity Big Brother. And I'm like, oh, if, yeah, if you see me, check on me. I'm fresh out of cash. I need it immediately. And I can't recognize myself in the mirror is what will precede me going on Celebrity Big Brother. Anyways, anyways, Jojo Siwa is on this last season. This is what is uniting us not. And before it was her dance in the WWE mask. It was like a flick of the wrist above the head, a flick of the wrist to the hip, and again a flick of the. The wrist above the head and a flick of the wrist and the hip and then your legs would go out and in and out and in. Tuck jump. And you'd flail a Little. When was that? Maybe last summer. Took over TikTok, took over. Took over the Internet. We love to see it. We love to have some common ground. What about this political climate? Who cares? Have you seen Jojo Siwas dancing? Can you do it? So here we are. Here we are. Back again on First. First there was this disgustingly bigoted idiot for reek, Mickey Rourke. I don't even know where he came from or what he did. Maybe I'd heard the. Heard the name before, but I wish. I wish you could suck it right back out from where it came from. I wish you could take two tubes and undo it and. And honestly replace it with nails on chalkboard. Because I hate him. I mean, yeah, he's like. He has like a TBI in CTE because he. He boxed before, so he fully has incredible brain damage. UK Big Brother production Services thought nothing of. Of it, continued to put this man on camera after he was outwardly homophobic and creepy. And they go, oh, yeah, well, this is. This is just good tv. Let's give him a slap on the wrist. He's gonna get a warning. And then they kept him on. And then finally they had to get rid of him because obviously he's not learning. He didn't cover his face. Cover your face, Mickey. You're gonna get a jab and it's gonna reverberate off your occipital lobe. Just cover your face, for fuck's sake. He can't. He's too loose with it. Okay, okay, so his brains are officially scrambled. He got a consensual lobotomy. Except it didn't turn him to. Into a toddler. It just turned him to an angry, disgusting man who truthfully needs a new injector. Your face looks freak. I don't think it's just from all the damage that you cannot defend yourself. You cannot defend yourself acutely when there's a right hook coming. Definitely not a roundhouse kick. No, you're done for. Your eardrum is getting perforated on the way out as. Okay, you get it. Anyways, anyways, he was saying some homophobic slurs being so creepy to Jojo Siwa, like, you're not going to be a lesbian anymore after me. Like, actually, this will probably be the nail in the coffin. You are disgusting and predatory. But it didn't end with him. Tale as old as time. Water found in the river. River found in the stream. Found in between the mountains. In comes Chris Hughes, who started on reality TV eight years ago in which JoJo Siwa was maybe 12 or 13. Still fully wearing bows. Oh, wait, she still is, but actually a real child. We've seen how she grew up. She is still a child. She is incredibly infantilized. We gotta drop the bows. We gotta drop the rhinestones. We gotta drop whatever the those masks are. It's not doing it. We have to mature with a hard T or else it's not gonna happen. We gotta grow up. But we must keep our arms open for her. Obviously. She's supporting her whole family. And she's being exploited. On what? On whatever she has to do with those weird rainbow masks around her head to support the family. And she's got a pander to the youngins because those are the ones who are gonna pay. Because mommy and daddy are gonna pay. We got to make poor what's the baby's name? We gotta make poor Kylie happy. She's gonna scream if she doesn't get these tickets. And she's only three and a half. But have you heard her when she doesn't get her nightly ahoy. It makes you actually want to see the devil. We got to get Kylie her tickets anyways. So this is what JoJo Si was doing. And then Chris. And then Chris Hughes was on the third season of Love island uk. A classic. Maybe the best one yet. Has an all star cast. Is it not including him anymore? He's public enemy number one. Beyond dead to me. And he was coupled up with maybe the most iconic member ever of Love Island, Olivia Atwood. Hello. And. And even at that time, she was a woman. She had a mouth on her. She was smart, she was funny, she had hoop earrings, she was gorgeous. And she was permanently sat in the smoking circle, which we love to see. And she would tell you where the fuck to go. And she had her own opinions. She was a woman. Maybe a lesbian, the more that I think about it. But she is married. But looking at her husband, maybe a lesbian, if you know what I mean. Okay, okay. 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New customers only. Non withdrawable casino spins valid for featured game for featured game only and expire in 168 hours. See terms@casino.draftkings.com promos ends June 15, 2025 at 11:59pm Eastern Time. Join us on May 17th in Los Angeles for the Dear Media Edit, a live wellness Experience. A day of curated conversations and immersive experiences with your favorite Dear Media hosts and leading voices in health and wellness. Explore what it means to truly feel good inside and out. Tickets are on sale now@dearlymedia.com events. Okay, anyways, so this was him eight years ago, so now he's like putting the sneak on JoJo Siwa. He's doing the old HR thing, you know. You know when you watch those onboarding tutorials that make you want to, with quick velocity, bang your head against the keyboard hard to the point where you have the letters indented on your forehead and maybe have the subtle of a TBI like Mickey Rourke had, but not the kind that makes you angry and homophobic. It makes you want to do that, but you got to do all of them before you start your job. And the one is on HR and It's like. And it's just the classic massage. It's like if Jerry comes up behind you and starts touching you on the shoulders in the name of a massage, you report him to hr. Hello. I'd be screaming hello. Sending everyone to hr. They, everyone better be glad. I never had a platform. I never, I never was in the me too movement because I'd be like a loose cannon. I'd be. I'd be all the fixings and, and the knobs and everything would be falling apart and the cannons would just be everywhere. I'd be using and abusing. And now people don't care. Now people don't care because it doesn't mean anything. Maybe if we switched the subject verb. Maybe if I also. Actually, I also. It's like, huh, me too. Sounds too casual. Lost its meaning. I also. And then I would change my artillery to something of a mg. Of an mgk. I also. Because haven't we. Because I've had. Because I've had old ass looking Jerry on my traps in the middle of administering a patient medication. No, this is serious. Please get off me. They're not even sore. I'm busy. I'm not even sitting down. I don't want your finger indentations on my freshly blow dried hair. I don't want them near me. I wouldn't want them on my. I wouldn't want them on my day five unwashed hair. I don't want them within two feet. Please, Jerry, just head on up to HR. This is what Chris Hughes is giving. And JoJo Siwa is basically a child. You can tell she's uncomfortable and she cannot. She doesn't exactly know what's happening. He's predatory. He's like doing it like. I don't even know for the storyline or for the attention or because he's bored or because he's a sick freak. And obviously I haven't seen the whole thing. I've just seen clips. So I basically know. But it's like she doesn't even have the awareness of an adult that she can tell. There's three strings of saliva coming from the. Starting from the upper lip, ending to the bottom lip. Three strings that open and close somewhat of an accordion. When she talks to him face to face, really close. You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about? She doesn't even know that this is happening. She's a child. And he's like kissing her on the forehead. Did she say she wanted that? He's like. He's like her eyes are closed and taking a nap. And he kisses his finger like this and then puts it on her lip and was like, don't worry, it's just my finger. Ew. You pervert. Freak. You know what you sound like? You know what you sound like? I'm trying to. I'm trying to actually not get demonetized on YouTube, but it's. It's just like every time it happens and you sound like a snapest. But you would, you know what I'm talking about if this sounded like a. That's what they do. What is this kind of weird, predatory manipulate. Non. This is all. This is all screaming, ew. I feel unsafe. Get the. Away from me. I'm sure she's. I don't know, maybe she does. Maybe she is entertaining it all the while. She has a girlfriend back on the outside. Poor calf. And. And then they just. They just released a photo on Instagram update them playing tennis. It's like, what is going on? But she's into the controversy, controversial marketing. It works for her. But what is this guy doing? It's so weird. And he even put on like a royal. Like a royal actor scent. It's like, you're not a high royal, you're from Essex. Like, everybody knows. It's weird. It's. It's giving. I can only think of 500 examples. It's giving. Jay Z, Beyonce, she was 14, he was 37. They're 30 something. It's giving. It's giving. All of that. Okay, we're sick of it. We're done. And as you may or may not have heard, the pope died. It's one of those things that you're just. You're just like, huh? Wasn't he already dead? Somebody was like, oh, well, he was just giving a mass, giving a sermon, giving a thing. And he looked totally fine. His ticker was ticking until it talked. His ticker ain't ticking anymore. And at that age, at that age, it could just happen at any time. The batteries fell out, we're done for. But it's one of those things that you're like, wasn't he already dead? It was kind of like the math. When we found out Matthew Perry died, I was like, well, wasn't he already dead? It's kind of like when we found out when Joe Biden died and we were like, isn't he already dead? No, this isn't how you're finding out that Joe Biden died. But it is going to give that. Isn't he already dead? I don't blame I don't blame our beloved president for falling asleep in the front row while the funeral was six hours long. It's so relatable. Oh, look at you. The most relatable man in the world. Our Milano sight in perfectly good. Definitely right. Weight leader of our country. And it's like the funeral took. The funeral took so long. Which. What's it taking so long for? The body's gonna hit rigor mortis after a couple hours. There's a risk of an infection. We gotta take care of the body. What's taking so long? So then. And it's like, okay, fine, okay, fine, here's the funeral. But when. But when are the playoffs gonna start? How do we choose the next one? I looked at the candidates. I'm not tied to any one of them. And then I was like, well, what about me? Can I be thrown into the bracket? I was baptized. I had my first communion. Umami had quite the crunch to it. Daddy, Father, may I have another? I'm hungry for some more body of Christ. No, no, please get out of the way and just get your blood. But I was denied the blood because my grandma was an alcoholic. Whoa, whoa. Hold a grudge much? What does that have to do with me? I don't even know what alcoholism is. I'm eight years old and you're tempting me with a good time in that big chalice. And my grandma was sorry. It wasn't her fault. She immigrated when she was 10. She had no friends and couldn't speak any English. What do you mean? Obviously, leave her alone. Forgive a little. Isn't that the big joke? So, yeah. So, yeah, I know a thing or two about Catholicism. I've seen fleabag and that pervy priest. I can be him, absolutely. Chasing around, chasing around young tush. She was the chaser because she's honestly more of the pervert. But. And then. And then all they would do is drink IPAs and probably crack a Cuban cigar. Oh, yeah, count me in. Except I don't want to. I don't want a cigar. I want a pack of smokes and some N A Heineken, please. And Indica Sativa. My two favorite divas. You guys know that one? Yeah. So I can do it. I've been in church multiple times in that pew. I have to go up and down on the knees and up and on the knees and on the knees now for 30 minutes. There goes your patella. Oh, no, my leg. My ACL is stuck in the 90 degree angle. I can't get it to work. I'M hinged in this position from kneeling for so long. I've repent already. I'm only 12. I haven't done that many things that are wrong. I promise. So what? I talk to that dude in the kindergarten parking lot and then he pushed me and I cried wolf. But why are you putting your hands on a woman? Sticks and stones. Looks like the words did hurt you. Those. Those little knee pad things that you're kneeling on all the time, they make me. They make me want to do one thing. Climb. Climb to the top. Top of the church, to the top of the steeple. Find the most, tallest, most steeple and balance on it with one foot. Oh. Oh. Can I do it? A gust of a win. You're done for it. Okay, so maybe I don't want to be put in to the fishbowl of candidates to be the next pope. That's okay. I'm pretty sure it's Trisha Paytas baby anyway. Anyway. But not like it can be a woman. And thank God for that. Thank God that women are not eligible because we're born with two sets of lips. A top pair in a bottom pair, complete with the tongue. God doesn't like that. You cannot be queen priest. No. It has to be under a man because they know more than you. Okay. Be my guest. So no nun is going to be to be able to be the top priest of the pope. Dang it. Dang it. Well, they're already. They're already miserable and sexually repressed and probably lesbians scissoring with their sisters. It's not actually incest because they're not. Because I don't know if you know. It's a euphemism. Figure of speech. They're not actually sisters, but they are probably lesbians. Why do you think it's so easy to abstain? What do you think is going on in the pew when you're not kneeling all around it? They gotta have a little fun and let them. Hello. Scissoring by night, knocking you on the head with the Bible by day. You think Mickey Rourke was the only one with the tbi? Wait till you go to Catholic school shaking, baby. But at like 12:13, it can still shake. It looks pretty loose by the looks of looking at you. And you know what? And you know what. I'll see you next time on Long Winded. 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