← Long Winded with Gabby Windey
Long Winded with Gabby Windey
life of a (show) girl
00:53:57
huge week in pop culture as we get to discuss the divisive topic of Taylor Swift again!
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Transcript35 lines
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TV Show Announcer
ABC Wednesdays. Shifting Gears is back.
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Gabby Wendy
He has arisen.
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TV Show Announcer
Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.
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Gabby Wendy
What what?
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TV Show Announcer
With a star studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and. Hey, buddy. A big home improvement reunion.
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Podcast Co-host
Welcome.
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Gabby Wendy
Oh, boy, that guy's a tool.
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TV Show Announcer
Shifting gears. New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.
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Commercial Voice
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Gabby Wendy
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Commercial Voice
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Gabby Wendy
Okay, now we're going. Now we're moving and grooving. You might hear Robbie in the back. She's in on her tinker. You might feel her presence. She's working on her new car. Oh, I didn't have. I didn't have anything to crack, but I saved this for you. I dug it out of the fridge. I should not be having any more coffee. I am ridden with anxiety. But who's gonna steal the only light I have in my life, which is a cold brew by Illy only because I know some of you hate it and some of you love it. Come. Come here. Come here weekly for your weekly dose of ASMR and bullshit. Okay, okay, okay. Welcome back to another episode of Long Winded. I do not like that Robbie's in the background, but she has her headphones on. I don't know if you guys heard. I got a job. I got a real job. She's an actress. She's an actor, and she's terrified. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. I got a role on a new Netflix show called the Body. Please, dear God, tune the fucking as. Who am I without all of you? Nobody. Nobody. Honestly, thank you to my fans, all of you. Unless you're not a fan. Unless you're coming around here to hate Watch. And to that, I say thank you also because you're getting my views up. See, there's no negativity around here. I'm quite a positive person. In fact. In fact, I'm moving to Toronto for five months to shoot said TV show. So I have to endure five months of the cold, long winter and seasonal depression. Huh. But I'm positive about it. I'm trying to be positive. What is the silver lining? Oh, yeah. I have a huge opportunity on my hands. It's going to catapult my career into international fame. Maybe national, but maybe international because I'm shooting in Canada, so. So sometimes I realize, you know, I should really try and think more positive. Come on. Come on, Gabby. Keep your head up. Not for me. My head stays pretty much parallel to the ground, but mostly with a downward turn. Keep your head up. Through the winter. It's too heavy. This 10 pound head is too heavy for my neck to hold, so it falls but below parallel. Keep your head up. I don't know. I don't know how because I see out of the crown of my head kind of like this. It's my intuition is here and all my confidence lies in my nose, but my nose never sees because it is in a state of being clogged most of the time. So I don't know what this podcast set is going to look like in due time. This is going to be one of my last recordings here. So please pray for me and Godspeed as I try and pack up all of these curtains and whatever accoutrements can fit in my two suitcases because I cannot take more. Hopefully the tapestry I'm trying to figure out, I'll have to cut that. Excuse me. I had a little burp. I'm a baby, but you guys don't like it. You don't like when I'm normal, when I'm myself, when I'm authentic. Nobody has a little gastric bubble time to time. Oh, you get out of this life without a bubble gut. And. And tell me you're immune to the meat sweats after K barbecue too, why don't you? I don't believe in your infallibility, but I also want to bring this Broncos cheer poster, but I don't know how I'm gonna get it there. So maybe I'll wrap it up and ship it. Take another sip of this cold brew, which is doing me absolutely no favors. Okay, so back to what? Back to the name on everyone's lips. Gabby. Wendy. Just kidding. Taylor Swift. I watched her. I watched her on Jimmy Fallon. And you know what I got from that? She's the type of person who loves to not only play, but also explain game. She will take the mic and she enjoys all of the power that lies within everybody paying attention to.
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Commercial Voice
To her.
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Gabby Wendy
She overtook that buzzer game. And you know what? She's actually really good with her words. She's eloquent, she doesn't seem nervous I mean she is, she does have some perks about her, but she thinks that she's some kind of a savant writer, which she said herself. And I'm like, maybe, maybe in your own mind. Akin to what Bethany Frankel unforgettably told Sonia Morgan. And I forget what season that she is a legend in her own mind. One of my favorite and accurate quotes of the miss Morgan. Might I say I use it for myself. Also, I am a legend in my own mind and so is Taylor Swift. But honestly, her streams reflect that Robbie's taking a phone call and very much distracting me. How am I supposed to listen? Okay, who's she on the phone with if it's not me? I'm study. I'm sitting right here. Who else does she have to talk to? Dead to me. Okay, but on to Taylor Swift's new album. You know, you know, we know it's. It's a much larger question than whether we enjoy her album. The question is, are we for her or are we against her? I will say at this point, the Internet is definitely against her. She has her comments turned off. So she is bothered by her actions, not like by her actions of turning off her Instagram. I don't know if she's bothered by her own actions, which is this life of a Showgirl album. But. But to this I say is the Internet real or is it just something that is all around us? Because it's wireless frequency, I think some something with an F. And. And it only occurs mostly we see it when we're on our phones looking at Taylor Swift snark. Everyone loves to hater, but let me tell you, her streams weren't affected. The always sober, always clear minded Jimmy Fallon said that she was had the number one streams across each and every platform were hate listening apparently. So it doesn't affect her. The, the intern, the Internet conversation, does it affect anything in real life or. We do. We just love to keep ourselves in an echo chamber of criticism. We're sheep. We're sheep. We want a bandwagon on the popular opinion. So you're probably thinking to yourself, does Gabby like this album or does she love it? And you know what, you're not going to want to hear this, but I pretty much like it. I do, I do. Sue me. I'm speaking my truth. This is what, this is what you come here. It's like I like it. For a Taylor Swift album, of course. I really like Ophelia. I love it. Taylor is so drama. And you know what? We love that about Her. She's gonna open up with the song Ophelia. What does it mean to be Ophelia? I take to Google. I take to Google because one thing about Taylor is that she's well read, and she will maybe have a Greek mythology reference, but. Oh, no, it's not Greek mythology. I looked it up. It's from Hamlet. Some of you may know that, but for the uncultured like myself, give us some room to breathe. Get off my back. I need. I need free space to be myself and look up what I don't know. Without your judgment. And Ophelia is quite the character in Hamlet. Says Google. Says Google. Ophelia, much like Taylor, is such a drama queen that after being rejected from Hamlet, she drowns herself. What? In six inches of water? That's not gonna do it. I won't get into the techniques that you could more. More effectively do it, which is, you know, don't make me but tie stones to your ankles. I didn't say it. I'm just saying that this is a way. And then after she drowns herself, Ophelia Hamlet goes to kill her father. What? What? That came out of nowhere. Murders her father. I guess let's just. I guess we're all just ignoring that part of Ophelia. Let's not talk about it, because I don't think it has anything to do with this song. Unless it does. Unless this is the Easter egg of all Easter eggs. She's worried that her one true love, Travis Kelsey, is going to kill her father in cold blood. Is this a cry? Maybe. I would think differently if we didn't all know Travis Kelsey. We know he is not capable of such things. He can barely catch a football. And this is supposed to be his profession? So they say. Is he getting paid for this lack of dexterity. And we think he can potentially kill Ophelia Taylor's father? I don't think so. He couldn't even really align his thumb right, let alone his eyesight. Her car's. She says. Oh, what's gonna happen next? I don't know. Everything okay, baby? Okay? Your car won't start. Oh, my God. She's wondering if she broke it.
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Emergency Dispatcher
91 1, what is your emergency?
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Gabby Wendy
Get off the field.
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TV Show Announcer
911 has faced nearly every emergency on Earth. ABC tonight. They will go where no first responders have gone before.
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Podcast Co-host
Five everyday heroes were launched into space.
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TV Show Announcer
All contact with the spacecraft was lost due to a sudden geomagnetic storm.
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Gabby Wendy
Mission Control, dude, you coughing?
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TV Show Announcer
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Gabby Wendy
Okay, well, until we're all on the edge of our seats of Robby's new car, but until we hear the rumble of an engine, where we're all gonna be, we're all gonna be worried. But until then, let me get back to Taylor and Ophelia. So Taylor's basically like, love me or I'll drown myself, which is so Taylor. It's so Taylor. She, she is so drama. The thing about Taylor, which I like. Sorry, sorry. To express some kind of endearment to a publicly hate figure. She's dead to all of us. But she always does teach us something literary in her, in her music. We know she's well read. Does it translate to her writing, to her colloquials, colloquialisms, the, the chills and the vibes that she likes to speak about? I, I, I, I, I don't know. But she does have good references, like Ophelia. She uses words like Machiavellian and Ghosh. Taught me, taught me what the those mean. Now I use them in a sentence, and I like that in a person. I like someone with a big vocabulary. And now, honestly, I feel like I'm Ophelia if I ever got rejected by Robbie. I don't even, I can't even go there. But, you know, I wouldn't be in 4 inches of a bathtub. So I've seen, we've all seen lots of criticism of her lyrics, including myself before I did some research, which is listen to the album on repeat with the lyrics open after. After about a half a joint of Indica. I'm locked in. My phone's on dnd do not disturb me. I'm studying. I was talking shit on her lyrics before. I had done my due diligence in my studious process, which is getting blaze out of my mind and then trying to make sense of it all. And it came to me. It came to me. She's corny. We just know she's. She is and always will be a corn nut. A corn nutter. So I feel like People are just, like, wanting to get mad to get mad, because now we realize, which we've always known she is. Is a businesswoman. But I went back. I'm not done with my research. I went back and I listened to Reputation. It's all the same, you guys. It's all the same re. Afirmentioned colloquials, the same isms, the same kind of words that we use too casually in everyday language that might not contribute to its timelessness of the music. Travis Kelsey pledges allegiance to his vibes. Okay, okay, Good one, Tay. But everyone, I went back to Reputation because I think this one has the same producers. And everybody's like, oh, it's my favorite album. It's the best album. We love Taylor's representation. Oh, my God. Reputation. Reputation. I've been stalking the Billboard 200 because I am your relayer of important information, and Reputation is still there, number 41 after years. So I went back and listened. The first three songs are basically bad rap songs, okay? And then maybe it gets better. But this is your favorite album. This isn't offensive. This doesn't ring, huh? Weird? Questionable in your ears. She's making my skin crawl with secondhand embarrassment. But you like it. You like it so much it rains on the Billboard top 200 albums. So ultimately, it's your fault, I think. But it's not much different. It's not much different. She's saying the same thing. She's saying the same things. Let me. Let me pull it up. I have some lines that she says. She says things like, whose dick's bigger? My dick's bigger. And you're as scared. I'm as scared of you as a chihuahua in my purse. Which is the thing is that some of these. Some of these make you laugh out loud. And again, you just do the knee slap, and you're like, oh, Taylor, with your. With your hand risen above your patella, and you slap it. Oh, that's just Taylor singing about a chihuahua in her purse. Like, you couldn't have thought of anything better. But no, it's just. But she would have said the same thing. A Reputation. Maybe a little bit better. Maybe a little bit better. Maybe the chihuahua isn't in its purse but in a cage. What else does she need? Which. Which. It's like, people. People are like, you know, she used to be a lyrical genius. Nobody's saying that. Nobody's saying that. And I don't know if she was. She just produces a lot of lyrics in her thousands of albums. She just can, like, say A lot of words. We don't know if there's any genuosity behind it. I don't know if anyone's ever saying that, but the irony of the chihuahua is that I am scared of a chihuahua. Have you ever been bitten by that little rat dog right at your ankles? No, I'm scared. She thinks you're not scared. When I'm scared. What else does she say?
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Podcast Co-host
Ah.
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Gabby Wendy
She goes. She goes, I would trade the Cartier for someone to trust. And she goes, just kidding. In her lyrics. In her lyrics, she's saying, just kidding. Oh, come on. And she goes, I've been afflicted by a terminal uniqueness. Taylor, Taylor, we know you're as basic as they come. And then she goes, I'm girl bossing too close to the sun. I am. I am also a lyrical genius. I just made those two things rhyme. But it's like, it's like, what else can we expect from her, you know? Because. Because now people are mad. They're mad at what she's always done, you know, and precisely. Yes, and precisely. Here we get to the point, us millennials, a young millennial, might I add. You'll never know my age, you know, where. Where the core audience and. And we're like, she's not growing with us. Well, I think that's a part of it. I mean, and I agree. She's still singing about how she's in high school and she's like 8 or 9 years old, remembering a broken bone. Okay, we get it. But what about now? What about now? But this is what she does. This is the kind of artist she is, you know, But I, I do. I think it's an intentional part of her business. She wants to maintain the appearance of her youth by still singing about juvenile dumb. Somebody said it reads like a YA novel into that. I agree, but all. But so do all of her other albums. She's not graduating to real Joan Didion like storytelling. She's not. And she won't because she's, she's. Now she's like 36, 35 or 36. And she's still dressing like a 12 year old with a metal mesh sparkly dress and the chair of Jimmy Fallon. You have all the money in the world and this is what you're gonna pick. A civil. A silver dress we can find in the clothing section of Revolve. It comes up. It comes up. It's the first dress. Everybody's gonna wear it to their next wedding. You're not gonna do a Schiaparelli? A Chaparrale. No, because money can't buy you taste. It can buy you all the things in the world, but it cannot buy you taste. But I will have to say we have to celebrate the little wins, which is the absence of her absence. Absence of her red lipstick. She was in a nice brown taupe shade. She did it for us. She did it for us. She got rid of that Orangish. Orangish Peaches. Peaches. Orangish Peachish lip stain that she wears all around town singing about being diplomatized and things. And you know what? She's forgotten? She's. Yes, yes. Her makeup did well. Her dress medium maybe. She looked great. She had a nice glow about her. And she does. She has like an. An effervescent, I would say in a stage presence. But she's forgotten. Forgotten about her hair. She's forgotten about the theory of famous hair. Have I showed you? Have I shared this with you before? Do you guys know about the famous hair theory that has rung true in. In many a people? If you have great doesn't even have to be that good. If you have identifiable hair, you will become more famous. And this is what she wants. But instead she puts a mouse on her head. What is that color? It's giving varmint. It's giving rodent. I'm not saying you're. I'm not saying you're a bad person for that. Right on your head. I'm just saying we gotta brighten you up a little bit. She used to have famous hair. What happened? She used to have those wavy locks. The. The blonde wavy locks with the bangs. She's still sticking with the bangs, which is great and identifiable. But we're getting too far away from the lack of famous hair. Your relevancy is declining. In your shallow lyrics and pesticide on your head. Somebody said a mousetrap. There goes. There goes her noggin. Famous hair. Famous hair. As exemplified by yours truly, Gabby Wendy. It is getting too long. It's looking religious, so I have to cut it. But I make sure to always have a tease. We've forgotten about a tease in these 2000s and 20s. But I will bring it back. I like to have big hair. I'm a cheerleader in my heart and my soul and my head. Chapel Roan. Famous hair. Charli xcx. Famous hair. It's long and it's brown and she wears it all curly. Pamela Anderson. The most famous hair. Rachel Green. We all went the Rachel Green. We all want the Rachel Green haircut. We're taking it back. We're taking it back to our hairstylist. Give me the layers, give me the Persona of Rachel Green and help me find my Ross. I found something better. She's tinkering back there. The tinkerer of all tanks. Okay. How's it going, baby? It's better. I think my car battery died already. Her car battery died. I have to check if any lights go on. No, they're not going on. You got to take it to AutoZone. They'll recharge it for free. Oh, no, she's calling AAA. I can't be here for that. H. Are you gonna make Tony.
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Commercial Voice
Her.
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Gabby Wendy
Hair stylist at Super Cuts at three? Okay, yeah, yeah, I'm sure she'll take you at three. Well, who's to say they may not? Well, here's to hoping they make room for their most loyal customer and their favorite and the funniest and the best there ever was. This is my baby. She needs her hair thinned. That's fine. I just have a Psychiatry appointment at 4pm what's new? Wear like two Ps? Me and my psychiatrist. Okay. Okay, bye. Thank God. Get out of here. Get the out of here. I have business to attend to. Okay, back to Taylor Swift's lyrics that, like I said, they are how they always been. But it's like, why are you still singing about high school? We just don't want to know any more about high school. Like we've been there is the worst years of our lives for some. Not for me. Honestly, it was before the drama kicked in. It was. It was the last time I was really my real self. Before my brain got all dysfunctioned and fucked up and in reconnected in a way that I'll never be able to be the same without. Without copious amounts of medication. Who's with me? Can I get a hell yeah? Who took their medicine today? Who took their medication today? And to that I say. Proud of you. Proud of you.
- [26:35]
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- [26:59]
Gabby Wendy
People.
- [27:04]
Podcast Co-host
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- [27:32]
Gabby Wendy
So. So yeah, I do think Taylor is, is still pandering to, to the dumber audience. But then she drops a scene sexual bomb. Like she's like all sexual in this album, but she's singing to high schoolers and she's like, she's saying things like wet and key to my thighs. Out of nowhere, out of a little diddy bop, we're hearing these things. It's like, pick one, Taylor. Those things do not go together. They make me feel sick to my stomach. Why are you all Sexy to the 12 year old? They don't need to know about that. And if you want to be sexy, then all your lyrics need to be sexy. You can't just drop this huge bomb in the middle of your soft pop kidz bop song. She says a hard rock is on its way in reference to a boner. Please, we need a warning. I'm be my. My visuals are being assaulted by Travis Kelsey's probably anaconda sized dick. And now it's all hard and it's coming for me and I'm scared. More scared than the chihuahua in the purse. You mixed up those metaphors, didn't ya? She says like his love is the key to opening up my thighs. And yeah, it sounds cocky. Cocky. You want, you want these preteens to listen to your album to pilfer all the money from their moms and they don't have much. They're spending it all on the Eras tour. So leave the cocky in the bedroom or over the toilet that you probably have to clean up because based on the, based on the projected size of his dingling, the spray must be like a fire hydrant spraying all over the toilet seat. And then you lift it up and there's yellow dots. How is the piss getting under the toilet seat? And you have to clean it up because we know he's losing all the dexterity in his fingers. But she's a businesswoman. She's a businesswoman at the end of the day. And we know this industry, just like every industry is all about making that money. It's all about making that green, making that dough. Give me the cash. Where's the Dinero. But this is the machine of all of all pop stars. Sabrina just made. Don't get me started on Sabrina. She just made albums back to back to back for no good reason other to pump herself out in a businesslike way to make more money. She's got to go on tour. She's got to make money. She needs all these endorsements. She's got to make money. She's have to stay high on the list of relevancy, which her man child is at the top of the list. It's at like number four, foreign. It's like we all think, they all think we need new content, but we actually just need good content. And I do have to say this isn't personal. This isn't personal. I know it sounds personal between me and Sabrina, but it's just not. I'm not judging her character. Well, maybe a little bit. But this is the machine of the music industry. They're locked in. They're in the rat race on top of Taylor's head. They cannot stop. But it's like some of my favorite albums are like 10 years old. We don't need new and new and new. We just need good and good and good. What is going to stand the test of time? Taylor reputation, I guess. But for no good reason. And we know now it's just obvious that Taylor is doing marketing schemes and marketing ploys and wants to make more billions and billions of dollars. But we knew, we knew that. We knew her private flight trajectory when she was on the A store. We know that she cannot give up the money. She wants to see the numbers grow and grow and grow and all she sees is dollar signs, dollar signs, dollar signs. As she says, open up my thighs with the key and I know I sound pretty cocky. Money, money, money. I'm fading fast talking about this Taylor Swift. It's using all of my cerebellum. So I, I actually this was a good choice for me. This cold brew, highly recommend. This is free pressed me never. But at the end of the day, I will say it's hard to get creative when you don't want to kill yourself after a three month situationship. This is where the inspiration comes from. Not from being too happy and in a good relationship with a puppy dog that's going to follow you around and never question your decisions. Her thighs are too open and there's too much E for her to produce anything good right now, which I think is why she came for Charlie. She needs some kind of controversy to draw attention to the album and it worked. So here is what I think about the whole situation. So I get Charlie's song, Sympathy is a Knife was. It could be perceived. Don't even get me started on being perceived. I don't really care. I don't really care. It's like, don't get me started. I don't really care as a diss track. But it's like, do we even know it's about Taylor? It seemed like she was speaking pretty broadly, kind of. So maybe they know something that we don't. But also, Taylor's the one to assume everything's about her, isn't it? But again, it's not personal. This is just where she lies in her own head. Okay, so say it is about Taylor. Say it is. Just. Just for the sake of conversation and plain devil's advocate. I'm the devil on your shoulder. But okay, so maybe. So maybe it is a diss track, but it's like a medium diss track and it's a really gorgeous song. It's a masterpiece. Okay, so it's like, if you're gonna make a diss track on the diss track, it better be a really good song. Not like, whatever, Everything is romantic or whatever. It just kind of fell flat reach a wawa. And if it is about Taylor, if Sympathy is a Knife is about Taylor. I love the peek from behind the curtain. Them in a room together with Charlie's fingers crossed behind her back. I hope you break up with the Maddie Healy. What a vision. I can see it in my mind. I can see it in my mind. Charlie and her thick eyeliner and her glasses and her famous hair with her fingers crossed in a DJ setting. And Taylor wearing exactly what she wore on Jimmy Fallon, except the red lipstick is back. But did they even really spend enough time together if Taylor only dated Matty Healy for a whole three months to write a whole diss track about her? I don't know. That's why I think it's more of like a broad conversation. And like, did we all just forget about Jake GYLLENHAAL and the 10 minute version that is a masterpiece. That is my favorite song ever. But we forget about Jake and his broke back and only choose to remember the Matty Healy like it's some big scandal. And first of all, knowing what I know about him now, I cannot see them together at all. Charlie didn't even need to cross her fingers behind their back. They're definitely gonna break up. They're from two very different worlds. She couldn't handle him. And he's kind of like, like I, I get it. He's like a hot asshole. He like plays the dick. This is like his Persona. I just cannot imagine Taylor Swift getting behind that. So if we're assuming Sympathy is a Knife by Charlie XCX is about Taylor, then we must assume anything, everything romantic, whatever the is called, is about Charlie. Because she opens the line with you're all coked out and we know our queen Coke. So, so there's the Easter egg, okay? Now I'm the Easter bunny. I know where all the eggs are. I know what we're saying here. It's not quite, it's not quite an Easter egg, but an ostrich egg. And it's colored green with envy. But I don't know, it's giving like we don't know the full story. Maybe Taylor knows something we don't. Maybe Charlie does Charlie anything. And she hasn't turned off her comments, which I went to go look. And she's getting more hate from the blinks. From the blinkers. Okay, okay, I'm sorry, the black pinkers. I can't get into this because it's too chronically online even for me. But maybe, maybe there's more to the story or maybe Taylor is as petty as we think she is. And it could be. I mean the other discourse behind it is that Charlie opened for Taylor like years and years ago and then at the end was like, I just don't like the idea of me performing, singing, licking the ground, dry humping to a setting of children. So now I know I want to perform as the main act, which anyone would come to that realization in their career. They don't want to work for somebody else in their audience. They want to work for their own coked out, scantily clad, rave like minded people. It's not personal, Taylor. It's not personal, but we know she takes everything personal. She heard that, she heard that. And now all of a sudden Charlie is a chihuahua. I think Charlie is more like. I don't want to say Pitbull because those. You know how I feel about pit bulls. A Doberman. She's gorgeous and sleek and probably can get. And I'll say Taylor's like a wiener dog. She just gives dachin to me. So that's pretty much where I lie on all of that. I'll let you think on that for a second as I check my time. We're really moving and grooving.
- [38:31]
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- [38:49]
Gabby Wendy
Okay, last thing about music, I swear we're gonna get into some serious. Here is the Doja Cat's new album. I'm sorry, I'm sorry again. Sue me. It's good and it makes you want to shake your ass, but I am afraid of her bringing back the 80s aesthetic. Put the mullet down. We don't need a party in the back. We just need one speed all throughout the day. You're not fulfilling anyone. Excuse me? You're not fooling anyone with the business in the front. You're no business, you're no professional. Put the shears down in the airspray. But the album, to me is basically no skips. And it makes you want to dance. It makes you want to dance when you're in the kitchen making Mac and cheese because you don't have any other energy besides to boil these noodles and put in a packet of old fake cheese. You guys know I'm on tight dietary restrictions, so the faker the better. Nothing can be fermented. But Doja Cat's new album, it really gets you moving the ass all by yourself all over, over the refrigerator. And you drop it down low while using the counter to help brace yourself and slither up the side with the hip pop and essential roll of the shoulders. And then you're dropped down into the butterfly. Oh, can my knees handle this? The butterfly. That's. Let me see your Tootsie Roll. Oh, yes. You can leave that here. Just in the garage. Yes. Thank you. What a distracted episode. Robbie's lost luggage came. She's like, only me this would happen to. Okay, come. Okay. Naturally. I wanted to talk to you about one last thing about one more thing. I was on a Reddit thread as I was lullabying my sleep. My eyes get heavy as I read, as I move these eyes from left to right in hopes of being literate. So I'm on the Reddit thread and one that I click on is common misconceptions about healthcare. I get lots of stuff on my Reddit regarding healthcare. As you can imagine, it interests me. And I am a hypochondriac to my core. So I was thinking it was going to be about, like, high cholesterol, like an easy fix, or like, maybe that cigarettes are actually good for you, and they're they're not gonna cause wrinkles or any kind of antioxidant troubles, but no. I was hoping to get some kind of hopeful information regarding these trivial things, but no. What happened instead? Tons and tons and tons and tons of replies about gynecologic care and cervix pinches and inserting IUDs without pain medicine. This is what the whole conversation turned into. This was. Supposedly it wasn't even on like a double X chromosome thread. It wasn't on like the me to be or whatever. These. It wasn't on our feminism. These are the ones that I subscribe to. This was just out of nowhere and ask me anything, a question that you have. And the whole thread was women in pain. Ouch. Yes, my pussy. You're hurting me. This common misconception being that women don't feel pain at all is what it came down to, but especially that we don't have nerve endings in our cervix. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Obviously a man decided and dictated on this fiction of a fact from like the 30s or the 50s or 60s or something, and he doesn't even have one. So how can you fathom somebody else having pain in a body part that you don't have? Oh, it's the lack of compassion of men. Not to mention the pap smear that was also named after a man who founded it. What a pervert. Stop wondering about my and get your own. Leave it to women. Why are you naming a test of the vulva vagina after yourself, you sick freak? You're perverse and distorted in the mind. A colposcopy, they say in the Reddit thread. A scrape of the soulless cervix to check for abnormalities, some of which can be cancer. But you don't get any pain medicine here. You don't get any pain medicine here because it shouldn't hurt. This organ or whatever it is. Body part is right next to the vagina, where thousands of nerve endings lie. But of course, the upstairs neighbor wouldn't feel a thing. It wouldn't hurt at all. Your clitoris doesn't wince at the touch of a pinky finger. Get your pinkies off my clitoris, why don't you? Something so proximal to the vaginal vulva. Vaginal hole, which feels a lot, as we know by partakers in sex. But of course, my cervix cannot feel a thing naturally, because that makes a lot of sense. There's lots of room for critical thinking around here, sir, because you deem this to be true 100 years ago. So the top. So the top answers of this Reddit thread. We're dilly dallying with our cervix without medication. Don't worry, you'll just feel a pinch. They say. A pinch. You're minimizing my great pain to a mere pinch. Pinch. Pinch pins. It's just a. If it's just a bench. Get over here and let me do you. Huh? Time for me to pinchy pinch you. My turn. Why don't you take off your pants and I'll put something up your privates and pinch around. Pinch, pinch, pinch. This isn't gonna hurt. This isn't gonna hurt. So why don't you spread them and I'm gonna come at you with the cheese grater. But don't worry. It's just like two fingers squeezing together. It won't hurt at all. I'm gonna come at you with a hole puncher to punch out part of your cervix. But don't worry. Don't worry one bit. It's a loose pinch, just like meow. One second. There's not any kind of trauma involved or that we should entertain as a foreign object. A foreign scary object enters my privates, my unmentionable. So what? You have something funny going on in your. You didn't ask for this. You didn't ask to be born. Carol loves to say to me. But because you didn't ask for this, because you didn't ask for this body, you must be punished with literal pain for simply encapsulating a pussy between your legs. A vagina, A poochie on your coochie. No. This means you will endure a life of pain. What do you mean? You have pain medication everywhere in this facility. May I please have a little. I'm not asking for the fentanyl. But that would do. That would do. I know you're afraid to get addicted. That I'm going to be addicted. I don't have an addictive personality for everything but cigarettes. I promise I'm going to quit a SAP. I chase it with a vitamin C, as you know. What about a perk? Maybe just a perk. For sake. You didn't even offer me a Tylenol. Acetaminophen. Paracetamol. In other countries, a thousand extra strength. No, no. You don't need any kind of analgesic for a pinch. You probably even like the pinch. You dirty freak. You dirty girl. I know you come in here wanting to get your pinched left and Right? Oh, yeah, because we're all masochists. Give me some laughing gas. Something making me giggle while you're assaulting me. Why do I have to beg to get my needs met? In goes the IUD into the cervix. No worries, though. Don't you worry. Don't you worry because I willingly put myself through this agonizing procedure so you can come inside me. No. I know you hate the condom. You hate it. It doesn't feel as good for you. So come inside me, baby, and don't worry. I'll take care of it with. With a terrible procedure that's really terrifying and it hurts a lot. So we don't make a baby. We? You and I. You and I. But you would not be carrying it around for 10 months in your belly. They say it's 10. We. We deduce it to nine, but it's actually 10. But you wouldn't be able to do that because you're not strong enough. And you don't have a thick, sturdy, painless, some may think useless cervix to hold in the baby for those 10 months. And if you're an elephant two years, would you go after an elephant with a pincher and pinch that elephantitis pussy? Not if you wanted. Not if you didn't want to get headbutted by a tusk or a long trunk. Well, I am no different. Okay, ma'.
- [50:08]
Commercial Voice
Am.
- [50:09]
Gabby Wendy
Okay. Okay. Now all you have to do is put your legs like this in a very vulnerable position. Spread wide, knees bent on the cold stirrups. Just like this. Oh, yeah, no problem. This. This will be fine. Oh, do I have a snail trail? Ugh. Does it. Does it smell okay? But they say there's no bad smells. That it just like. It smells normal. Does it look normal? Can I get some kind of a report card? What's going on down there? A soft touch. I'm feeling really scared. I'm feeling really scared with my legs up like this. But. Oh, you're telling me to relax, so relax. I might, and I may, while my knees are into my shoulders and my toes touch the sky. All these thoughts rushing through my head as I'm told to relax. Here comes the speculum. It's ice cold, but sure, just insert it and click it loud and open it big so it feels like there's lots of pressure in my. My anus. And then it feels like. And then she says, squeeze. Don't let the speculum fall out. Don't let this speculum fall out. So I'm doing kegels and I'm squeezing my pussy so it doesn't go anywhere. Now it's my fault if things go awry as the mere patient and victim of a cervix. So I squeeze and squeeze and squeeze and I squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. Is everything okay? Is this a sign of my mental strength? What if I can't get past this? What if it falls right out onto the floor? Do we have to start over? I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Just a pinch. Just a pinch. As the dilator flows through my cervix. More like pushes and dilates and dilates and dialects. Oh, just a pinch, I said. You don't feel it all through your core and in your bones. Okay, okay. She dilates and then she inserts the insertion tube of the iud. Now inflate the T shaped foreign objects. Takes over all the space in my cervix. I start to see stars. I start to see stars. My head circling, my head circling like the starship ride at one of those carnivals that you don't know if their rides are being serviced or not. I start to spin. And then the stars, they get brighter and brighter and brighter. And then after the pinch, I fall face first on the floor. She's down. She's down. We have a code pinch as I hit the floor and pass out and the nurse comes running to elevate my legs and hand me a sip of water. Don't worry, sweetie, she says. It's a very common response. It's called a vagal response. It's when your vagus nerve is being so fucked with and tampered with from an invasive non painful procedure. Non painful? Just a pinchy procedure in your flower. It just makes you want to pass out. But it's no big. This happens all the time. And this shouldn't be a concern or prerequisite for needing pain medication. No, no, no. It's. It's. It's not painful. It just causes you to pass out. As this procedure sends signals to your body to go face first on the cold, hard ground without the help of your arms to get you. There goes my nose job. I don't have one of those, but if I did, if I did, I'd be very upset. For at 17. Oh, no. At 19, when I got my first IUD out of three. I've gone through this three times because I didn't like the hormones that made me break out, so I had to try all of them until I landed on the copper iud. And then I became a lesbian, thank God. But my cervix back then was extra sensitive because it's teeny, teeny, teeny tiny. Because I haven't had kids yet. And I'm young. I'm young, so I don't feel pain. Because women taught. Women are taught to hide all of their feelings. And their pain is not taken seriously. Is what this is all about. Is what this is all about. We're strong enough. We're strong enough that we would never feel pain in an organ that you cannot see. And this is science. I'm not making. I'm not making this shit up. I know you guys think it just sounds like another poem, which maybe it is, but actually, people report on such things, okay? Because we're taught from a young age to be amiable, be nice, and don't tell anyone you're uncomfortable. Just don't do it. Do you think a man could tolerate the pinch of their mushroom head right off and into the ground? Oh, there goes your pee pee. There goes your penis. Oh, I got your penis. I got your penis. Don't worry. We're just gonna punch it out and send it for testing. You shouldn't be in any kind of pain now. As the body attached to the penis writhes in pain in the fetal position, they would have to be sedated. They would have to be fully unconscious. Sedation. Because the medical staff couldn't tolerate seeing a grown little bitch baby boy sobbing his eyes out in the fetal position. Which is why they do circumcisions when you're barely out of the womb, and they do it with numbing cream. You couldn't tolerate that as an adult. And you're too dirty to keep it clean. I'm not saying men should be circumcised. As an adult, I do think it would be quite painful and pretty cruel. See, I have compassion. But what about my cervix pinch? What about my. What lies beyond the thought and mind? The only time you care about is when you're inside of it. You sick. Leave me alone. Okay, well, on that note, I think that was fun. So I'll see you next time on another episode of Long Window.
- [57:11]
Emergency Dispatcher
I've never felt like this before. It's like you just get me. I feel like my true self with you. Does that sound crazy? And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous. Okay, that's it. I'm taking you home with me. I mean, you can't find shoes this good just anywhere. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love, like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas and more at your DSW store or dsw dot com.