Reading This Almost Killed Me...

Summary

Louder with Crowder — Episode Summary

Episode Title: Reading This Almost Killed Me...
Date: July 15, 2026
Host: Steven Crowder
Co-Hosts: Josh Fierstein, Lane Noodles, Gerald

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Overview

This episode centers on Steven Crowder (with his co-hosts) reading and reacting—often with sharp mockery—to an op-ed by supermodel Emily Ratajkowski, published for The Cut/New York Magazine. The essay focuses on Ratajkowski’s post-divorce dating life, self-discovery, and her views on womanhood and sexuality. The hosts unpack her narrative with a mix of incredulity, sarcasm, cultural commentary, and signature irreverence.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage: What’s Being Read and Why

• Crowder reveals he was specifically told not to read Ratajkowski’s piece until live on air, as his genuine reaction was expected to be entertaining and potentially infuriating.
  • “You guys are rage enablers. That’s what you are.” (Crowder, 01:50)
• The panel sets a comedic, adversarial tone, predicting the essay will contain themes of sexual empowerment, self-victimization, and contradictions regarding independence and reliance on men.

2. Emily Ratajkowski: Introduction and Stereotyping

• Ratajkowski’s career (notably her appearance in Robin Thicke’s "Blurred Lines" music video) is lampooned as emblematic of celebrity culture’s fixation on physical attractiveness as a form of capital.
• Her apparent re-emergence as a cultural influencer is mocked:
  • “Legend says in a full moon, you can see her tits from the top of the lake.” (Crowder, 07:38)

3. The Op-Ed’s Core Theme: Dating for Self-Discovery

• The essay opens with Ratajkowski describing casually dating as a single mom, framed as a journey of self-exploration and “villainy.”
• The hosts repeatedly call out contradictions:
  • Claims of not caring about male attention but engaging in dating predominantly for validation.
  • “I do it for me. But I did start dating and sleeping with a lot of men…” (Crowder’s paraphrase, 08:03)
• Crowder critiques the modern role model:
  • “If you have a daughter, they’re coming for them.” (Crowder, 08:03)

4. Mocking Materialism and Cultural Ambiguity

• Ratajkowski’s brand and status-heavy references (“Miu Miu bags,” “alo sets,” “Australian cafés for matcha art”) are derided as shallow and exclusionary.
  • “Her primary method of insulting is almost all materialistic while she wants us to…give advice.” (Crowder, 13:15)

5. The Physiology of Motherhood as a Negative Reframe

• Ratajkowski details her experiences giving birth, including the pain, which the hosts lambast for self-victimization and social currency:
  • “It’s always this story…let me tell you why mine was even more difficult. Well, otherwise, how would you have social currency?” (Crowder, 18:16)
• The essay’s frequent sexual metaphors and analogies (comparing childbirth pain to orgasm) are mocked as exhausting and performative.

6. The Dating “Villain” Persona and Double Standards

• The hosts highlight her embrace of a “villain origin story”—deliberate promiscuity as rebellion:
  • “Sexual but scary. Oh, how did I guess that was what you were embodying.” (Crowder, 23:12)
• The contradiction between professed independence and overt need for male validation is satirized at length.
• Joke: “This is why women weren’t allowed to vote.” (Crowder, 25:48) — delivered satirically to emphasize perceived irrational contradictions.

7. Absurd Encounters: Her Dating Pool

• The hosts read through her descriptions of dating a series of “characters,” including:
  • Vegan graffiti artist
  • Chef with suspected chlamydia
  • Self-medicating son of a billionaire
  • Multiple Italians
  • “Incest porn” guy (the only one she doesn’t sleep with)
• These encounters are used to emphasize (mockingly) that Ratajkowski itself might be attracting or seeking poor partners, not random happenstance.
  • “At what point do you say maybe the problem was…?” (Crowder, 52:14)

8. The “Slut/Whore” Dichotomy: Feminism and Empowerment

• Extended riff on the semantics of slurs vs. “playful” bedroom talk, and how the rules are arbitrarily set and shifted.
  • “This is how feminists play. These are the rules by which they play…” (Crowder, 54:26)
• Quoting and mocking the depiction of her being called Cleopatra during sex—a scenario they openly doubt ever happened as described.

9. Motherhood and “Rule-Making”

• Ratajkowski’s “rules” for herself as a single mom (never missing bedtime, rarely sleeping over) are trivialized for inconsistency and lack of substance.
  • “So some sleepovers…” (Crowder, 57:20)

10. Descent into Pathos and No Redemption Arc

• The essay closes without regret or self-reform, which the hosts highlight as a key shortcoming—serving as a cautionary tale only in its lack of caution.
  • “No redemption arc? No, of course not.” (Crowder, 79:37)
• Crowder suggests that the “empowered” narrative is self-delusion, delivered to justify bad decisions and rope others into similar misery:
  • “She knows she’s lying to herself, but she’s still going to lie to other young women. Why? Because misery loves company.” (Crowder, 77:16)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You guys are rage enablers. You are rage enablers.” — Crowder, on his team setting him up (01:50)
• “Legend says in a full moon you can see her tits from the top of the lake.” — Crowder, lampooning Ratajkowski’s public persona (07:38)
• “Claims of not caring about male attention but engaging in dating predominantly for validation…” — Paraphrase of Crowder’s recurring critique (various)
• “Her entire identity is the sexual gaze of men. Attention from men.” — Crowder, 67:31
• “This is why women weren’t allowed to vote. …Can we just acknowledge that every civilization…you know what, women don’t know what they want.” — Crowder (25:48) (deliberately sardonic)
• “At what point do you say maybe the problem was…” — Crowder, 52:14
• “So you just switched analogies. … She’s not a supervillain. Didn’t she file some lawsuit over tap water?”— Crowder on Ratajkowski’s convoluted metaphors (33:14)
• “No redemption arc? No, of course not. So who do I fire for making me read this?” — Crowder, 79:37

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Suggested Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–03:00: Introduction, setting up the reading (including classic banter)
• 07:00–10:00: Mocking Emily Ratajkowski’s “re-emergence” and influencer culture
• 14:00–16:30: The first significant breakdown of the op-ed—sexual empowerment and mothering context
• 23:00–26:30: “Villain” persona—contradictions in feminist narratives
• 34:00–37:30: The “Gerald reads” segment—mock dramatic reading of an erotic passage
• 46:00–49:00: Descriptions of Ratajkowski’s dating scene—dysfunctional partners
• 54:00–56:30: Discussion of slut/whore semantics and feminist “rules”
• 73:30–76:30: The closing—the hosts search for a redemption arc, lamenting its absence
• 77:00–79:30: Crowder’s final analysis—critique of “role models” and summary thoughts

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Tone & Style

• The episode features characteristic Crowder sarcasm, irreverent humor, and harsh takes—a blend of shock jock style, locker room banter, and culture war commentary.
• Sexual content and mature themes are treated with deliberate bluntness and crude jokes.
• The panel routinely uses exaggerated or intentionally offensive statements for comedic effect and social critique.

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Takeaway

Listeners are presented with a relentlessly critical and mocking breakdown of Emily Ratajkowski’s essay, highlighted by Crowder’s insistence that mainstream female cultural icons offer poor guidance to young women and exemplify self-delusion under the guise of empowerment. The message: beware celebrating self-destructive behavior as liberation, and recognize when content is more cautionary than inspirational—even if those creating it don’t realize it themselves.

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For full context and comedic effect, see detailed mock-readings (“Gerald reads stuff”) and group riffs at:

• [34:00–37:30 (Gerald reading)]
• [55:00–57:00 (Slut/Whore role-play and semantics)]
• [73:30–76:30 (“I didn’t ask for your feedback,” finale)]

Transcript

[Steven Crowder]

Is this real? Which is maybe why mid thrust, when I felt the sting of a slap, a hard one, harder than he'd ever delivered before with the hiss of his words. I didn't ask for your feedback. Another self important paragraph. Like all good. Super villain. Nope, Nope. I just. Welcome. Hope you're enjoying your summer. Today's a little bit different. We did this once before and it's been a long time. I have. You guys know I hate it when people just go on the do shows and they don't prepare. I don't prepare, man.

[Josh Fierstein]

I just talk.

[Steven Crowder]

That's the beauty of podcasts. Like, well, you do have to be interesting. But I was instructed to specifically avoid reading this op ed this article from Emily Ratajkowski at all costs. So I will be reading it. They have highlighted it for some reason they believe that it will be entertaining, which I assume means it's going to make me quite angry.

[Lane Noodles]

Yes, probably. I've only read a little tiny bit.

[Steven Crowder]

You know what you guys are?

[Lane Noodles]

What?

[Steven Crowder]

You're rage enablers. You are rage enablers. That's what you guys are.

[Josh Fierstein]

Why are you including me in this?

[Steven Crowder]

I was just doing this. I was pointing like a rock star.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, don't include me in this. Cause I, you know, I got your back and your front.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, I actually.

[Lane Noodles]

I'm enabling mockery.

[Steven Crowder]

All right.

[Lane Noodles]

Not so much rage as mockery.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, but you know, you give it a little extra. You always do.

[Lane Noodles]

Because you. I do.

[Steven Crowder]

You get a kick out of it. You get a kick out of it.

[Lane Noodles]

It warms my heart.

[Steven Crowder]

Like I do with you. And the fact that you unknowingly took steroids for a good portion of your life.

[Lane Noodles]

It never happened.

[Steven Crowder]

Absolutely did. Oh, yeah. Everyone has their coach give them vitamins in Ziploc baggies that have to be consumed in front coach. Even on weekends.

[Lane Noodles]

I don't think they worked. Maybe that's the problem.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, they did.

[Josh Fierstein]

All right.

[Steven Crowder]

So Captain Morgan, CEO, how are you?

[Lane Noodles]

Fan freaking tastic. How are you?

[Josh Fierstein]

Good.

[Steven Crowder]

We got some Gerald reads today.

[Lane Noodles]

Oh, good.

[Steven Crowder]

We got a lot of fantastic.

[Lane Noodles]

That's not embarrassing. My kids will see that at some point in life.

[Steven Crowder]

And then on Instagram you can. That's where you can follow him. You can follow Josh Firestein on Instagram. I guess we can bring it. What is.

[Lane Noodles]

I always forget.

[Steven Crowder]

I know it's not underscore. Under Firestein on.

[Josh Fierstein]

On X it's notfirestein. Then on Instagram it's JoshFirestein.

[Lane Noodles]

Ah.

[Josh Fierstein]

And then I got comedy [e-mail] okay, perfect.

[Steven Crowder]

Very nice. All right, so you guys all have your papers? We do physical copies, so.

[Gerald]

Whoa.

[Josh Fierstein]

What are you saying?

[Steven Crowder]

Then you may be.

[Josh Fierstein]

You have your papers?

[Steven Crowder]

Do you have the papers?

[Josh Fierstein]

Where are your papers?

[Steven Crowder]

Where are your papers? You need your papers to discuss Ratzakowski. That's Polish. We conquered her.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah. Quickly.

[Steven Crowder]

We steamrolled that. Now Panzer roll to molecule. That's right. But today, Poland's like, never again. We're like, we know.

[Josh Fierstein]

I like the COVID of this so far.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, I know. Well, we'll bring it up for people who. Yeah, there you go.

[Josh Fierstein]

That's fine.

[Steven Crowder]

You guys are so. So you may be aware of supermodel Emily Ratajkowski. I was not beyond. You know, the way that we have covered her occasionally in the show. Got her big break for showing. Showing her jugs in a Robin Thicke music video. Yeah, the cannons.

[Lane Noodles]

The chase.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, my gosh, I forgot about the chase executive.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

She said, do you want to touch my cannons, you little Indian boy? And then she called my. What did she call it?

[Josh Fierstein]

My fish head wife doesn't have cannons like these.

[Steven Crowder]

Your fish head wife doesn't have cannons like these.

[Lane Noodles]

We're like. They're called cannons.

[Steven Crowder]

I said, you know, dumb it. Talk about my fish head wife.

[Lane Noodles]

It's my fish head.

[Steven Crowder]

So she was in a Robin Thicke video. And then she's just. I mean. And she's objectively hot, right? We can say that.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yes. Yes. She is a beautiful woman.

[Steven Crowder]

She is quite attractive. Beyond that. Here's a montage.

[Gerald]

As someone who got married at 26 has been separated for a little over a year. 32. I have to tell you, I don't think there's anything better. My first three episodes are actually just Alex and I having extended conversation where we cover everything from Gluck, Gluck, 9,000 or 3,000. 9,000. It's different. When I was 21 and I became famous for basically dancing around naked in a music video. You know, you're a child, and then you're hot, and then you're a mother, and then you die.

[Steven Crowder]

Now, pause that phrase. That combination or sequence of phrases that's been spoken by no man ever.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

I got famous for being really hot and then just, like, made a lot of money.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah. For guys, it's. Well, we turn 18, we go to work, and then we die.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. And if you're really, really lucky, like a Billy Zane type, it still takes a while. And you're not world famous for just being hot. You also have to be funny. But let's Continue watching this as though she has something to offer.

[Gerald]

Only dresses for the male gays and

[Steven Crowder]

only dates toxic men.

[Gerald]

Your face cream was in the bathroom cabinet. And I was like, why does this guy have so much cupcake rose around? And I was saying, like, the only problem for me is sex. I like sex.

[Steven Crowder]

New video message.

[Gerald]

Click it.

[Steven Crowder]

Problem. What's up, Tasha?

[Josh Fierstein]

Who's thinking about you?

[Steven Crowder]

That's right.

[Josh Fierstein]

I'm wearing the same shirt.

[Steven Crowder]

You are so sweet.

[Gerald]

Modeling paid more than what my friends made working service industry jobs. And I was terrified of being saddled with student loan debt if Prince were a valedictorian thing. And then I basically called the person who said it was a vulgar dress sexist, and there was drama. It is Emily Ratajkowski.

[Steven Crowder]

And so I'm on.

[Lane Noodles]

Mom.

[Gerald]

Donnie, it's election day today. You need to get to the polls. One of the best parts about living in place to meet so many amazing women and queer people. When you are living with a man and you're taking care of a child, they do everything.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, they.

[Gerald]

They never get it right. It's kind of all about the back, which is, like, normal. Look at the back. I'm very naked. But what else is new?

[Steven Crowder]

All right, I'll be the one to say it. That was a vulgar dress. You're a vulgar person.

[Lane Noodles]

Vulgar. By the way, I think her name actually, in Polish, does mean to plow. Her last name. Perfect. Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

That's awesome.

[Josh Fierstein]

Well, she's an ox to plow.

[Steven Crowder]

Wow.

[Lane Noodles]

It comes with instructions.

[Josh Fierstein]

Living up to her name.

[Steven Crowder]

She's a beast of the field. Don't be unequally yoked. So don't be with her unless you're a filthy whore.

[Lane Noodles]

Unless you're ready to plow.

[Steven Crowder]

I think it says that in Romans. All right, so kids shouldn't be watching, because anytime you're dealing with a female pop icon, the 21st century, who's empowered, it means it's going to be incredibly profane, because the only thing that they apparently have to offer is sex and smut. Well, now she is back. I guess she's re emerging or something. I don't. So she wrote this.

[Josh Fierstein]

What is she, Loch Ness Monster? She's reemerging.

[Steven Crowder]

Legend says in a full moon, you can see her tits from top of the lake.

[Josh Fierstein]

Look there. It's the Ratajkowski.

[Steven Crowder]

That's right. She'll help you get across the lake, but she'll take half your values. So she wrote this whole article for the cut in New York magazine, I guess. What is it? New York magazine. And the cut is the cut segment of New York magazine.

[Lane Noodles]

I don't know.

[Steven Crowder]

Anyway, she wrote this whole article op ed and I was instructed not to read it until I was live on air with you. If you are parents, just understand these are the women who are attempting to influence your daughters. When we talk about role models, this is one of the role models who the left has held out. So the article that she wrote is called and we're just going to bleep this motherfucker. After becoming a single mom, I began compulsively dating in order to figure out what kind of a woman I wanted to be. How much you want to. I guarantee you. Somewhere else. She talks about being a strong, independent woman. Yeah, I guarantee you so much. And don't find your words in what men. I don't, by the way, I don't have lip filler and I don't wear rouge and I don't wear these vulgar dresses to attract men. I do it for me. It makes me feel sexy. I don't care. But I did start dating and sleeping with a lot of men to find out what kind of a woman I am. Guys don't do that.

[Josh Fierstein]

The whore parody.

[Steven Crowder]

Guys don't do that. Guys might just be like, you know what? I'm throwing caution to the wind. Even moral guys. And they'll just be like, ah, you know what? I like pretty ladies in friction.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, dude. I started sleeping around and finding what kind of guy I was. Then I was down in Tijuana, I found out I'm kind of gay, dude.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, that's right.

[Josh Fierstein]

She said her name was Maria, but look more like Joe.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, yeah, like a Joe. But the good news is I did achieve total enlightenment, dude.

[Josh Fierstein]

Dude, I'm an ally now to donkeys and women alike.

[Steven Crowder]

That's exactly right.

[Lane Noodles]

Ah, the donkeys.

[Steven Crowder]

You've never been a Tijuana. You wouldn't understand it. All right, here's some. Here's some pictures. There you go. You have a collage. These are some pictures for it. There you go.

[Josh Fierstein]

Thanks for zooming in, fellas.

[Lane Noodles]

That's the COVID photo, by the way.

[Steven Crowder]

I don't want to attract the male gaze. Let me apply shading and makeup to my tits.

[Josh Fierstein]

It's a fake baby.

[Lane Noodles]

Oh, it kind of looks like it is.

[Steven Crowder]

Is it a fake baby?

[Lane Noodles]

Kind of looks like it's.

[Steven Crowder]

Maybe it looks like it might be a fake baby.

[Lane Noodles]

Called it.

[Steven Crowder]

They say, yes, it's a fake baby. Yes. She was like American Sniper. Hold my beer. Okay. That was awful. In that movie how fake that baby was. It just took you right out of it. So let's go through this.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, you really. They didn't want to pay baby scale.

[Steven Crowder]

She found out. She's like, I want a real baby. Like, well, it's. It would be coming out of your stipend. She's like, you know the Cabbage Patch Kid works.

[Josh Fierstein]

Ew. I don't want to hold my own baby.

[Steven Crowder]

Gross.

[Josh Fierstein]

Ugh.

[Steven Crowder]

I hear that. If you.

[Josh Fierstein]

What if it throws up on my tits? I just did all my t. Make

[Gerald]

gross.

[Steven Crowder]

For me. For me. I did makeup for me.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

So

[Josh Fierstein]

my aerials are perfect right now. I can't be sucked on.

[Steven Crowder]

So here's the introduction. All right, guys, we have to keep this to 45 minutes. This is going to go on way longer. She starts the article describing one of her many post divorce suitors. In this case, she refers to him as elder millennial. All right.

[Lane Noodles]

Ah, nice.

[Steven Crowder]

She wrote, I knew he was new to New York when he picked up the bar. No, don't. Don't play music for me. That's just gonna be for Gerald.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, that's his different music. Gerald has dramatic music.

[Steven Crowder]

Does Gerald have different music?

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, okay, good.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, this is just. This is upbeat. This is like.

[Steven Crowder]

Again, you guys know I was instructed to not read this. Don't look at anything. It'll all be new to you. Which I assume means this entire installment is going to escalate.

[Lane Noodles]

Yes.

[Steven Crowder]

Wildly.

[Josh Fierstein]

All right, this is the dumb hormone.

[Steven Crowder]

Okay, all right.

[Josh Fierstein]

Sexglate.

[Steven Crowder]

I knew he was new to New York when he picked the bar. He was on a street that had felt cool and exciting to me in 2014, when I'd first moved to the city. Loser.

[Josh Fierstein]

Lame.

[Steven Crowder]

Probably was before the Australian cafe that does matcha art opened around the corner and women who could afford a uniform of Mew Mew bags. All right, I don't. What? Am I supposed to know what a Mew mew bag is?

[Josh Fierstein]

It's like New York socialite language. She's like, you kind of sound like a dork right now.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, okay.

[Lane Noodles]

Do I?

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, you kind of. You don't know mew mew. You are doo doo.

[Steven Crowder]

I sound like a dork. You sound like a Josh.

[Lane Noodles]

Of course I do, you flaming homosexual.

[Steven Crowder]

So she's like dumb whore Dennis Miller, where she dunks on people with all these esoteric references that they don't understand, but in her case, it's all vapid whoredom.

[Lane Noodles]

Yes.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, yeah, Kid, you never heard of a Mew mew bag? Next thing you tell Me you're never gonna see.

[Josh Fierstein]

Everyone knows about.

[Steven Crowder]

You won't know the first thing about Chanel and Michael Kors European carry all tote being taken out back by the Allen Edmonds. That's Dennis Miller if he was a dumbbell reference.

[Lane Noodles]

But

[Steven Crowder]

it doesn't work because he's very smart. All right. Okay. Before the Australian cafe that does matcha art open around the corner and women who could afford a uniform of miu Miu bags and aloe sets moved into the fire escape apartment. I can't even read it the syntax because I don't know what. I don't know what's a brand versus like what's a thing?

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah, define aloe.

[Steven Crowder]

It's alo. It's capital A. So aloe must come in sets. Oh, noodles, you've got your work cut out for you.

[Josh Fierstein]

They come in sets. So if you have a fire escape, then you're poor.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, okay. So what I am getting from this is that she is. Her primary method of insulting is almost all materialistic. While she wants us to. Of course, she wants to give advice.

[Josh Fierstein]

Very catty.

[Steven Crowder]

This used to be cool until matcha art.

[Josh Fierstein]

What? Apparently it's a brand of yogurt clothing.

[Steven Crowder]

Okay, okay, all right. I would just say that there between aloe sets. Okay, all right. Then she said washed is what I would call. Is what I would have called him to my friends if I'd been feeling honest and not just looking to get laid. Not get laid in the way men do to quickly satisfy a physical urge. Lord knows I didn't think there was any chance he was exceptional in bed. Or likely to make me. You know, I hate saying this word out here. Or likely to make me climax. She says women are just filthy. Guys don't.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yes, we do.

[Steven Crowder]

No, I'll give.

[Josh Fierstein]

You have so many words for it.

[Steven Crowder]

Okay, make me. You know, besides, even if that were a possibility, I could do that at home in three minutes and experience the same mind numbing seconds I would with him. And he could do the same with pornography and a virtual reality sex toy that responds to the pornography. I'm not condoning it, I'm not saying it's good, but you've just rendered yourself useless in the dating marketplace while acting catty. Here's the problem with sexual objectification of everything. It's empowering until you realize that someone else can do it better. Or a machine can. You're being replaced by AI.

[Josh Fierstein]

Or this guy could literally go home and do the same thing to himself to a video of her.

[Steven Crowder]

Right, Exactly.

[Josh Fierstein]

Right, like she's the Robin Thick video is still out there, Right?

[Lane Noodles]

And I'm sure many, many others.

[Josh Fierstein]

He could stay younger.

[Steven Crowder]

He could stay in his junior suite, watch your video, and you pay for your own matcha. Problem solved. We don't need an article. What I wanted was his attention. I wanted to feel a man's desire and to be reminded that I was a sexual being. Ah, your t. Makeup didn't give away. Not just a mother of a toddler. The lame bar would have to do. Hey, how about thank you, you stupid whore. How about just, hey, thank you. Thank you for taking me to this bar. So obviously it's a place you haven't been before. He took you outside of your comfort zone. Don't you. Don't women always want something new? They want to be surprised, spontaneous.

[Lane Noodles]

It's so 2014, Stephen.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh, my gosh, right now there's some guy going, hey, that's my bar. Yeah.

[Lane Noodles]

Hey, I like that bar.

[Steven Crowder]

Also, I just wanted to feel rent.

[Josh Fierstein]

$4 million.

[Steven Crowder]

Wanted to feel a man's desire. No. No regard for. Hey, maybe he was looking for something more. Maybe he actually cared. Maybe he was actually taking you to a nice place. I don't know. He could be a piece of crap just like you. I have no idea.

[Lane Noodles]

He's. I was just looking to get laid, but this is the closest part of

[Steven Crowder]

my house a lame bar would have to do. Then she. She paused to give us a look back at the birth of her child. Even though she just says, like, I don't want to be known as a mother, but let me tell you how magical it is when you look at me. Don't see a mom. By the way, do you know how great it is to be a mom? Bang me now. Oh, my God. I just. I don't know if I can do this, guys. I don't know if I can do this. I know it's only gonna get worse.

[Josh Fierstein]

Sometimes I worry about the things that I say, either here or in stand up or on the Internet, that my kids will someday will look at and go, that's embarrassing, dad. Not this bad.

[Lane Noodles]

No.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, I didn't know. I was like, does this. Does this qualify? Because we're not even like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Josh Fierstein]

I'd be proud of this.

[Steven Crowder]

This is gonna look way worse. Mr. Disney Channel shirt.

[Gerald]

Yeah.

[Lane Noodles]

So far, so good.

[Josh Fierstein]

Somebody gave me this shirt. This is like, Gabriel Iglesia's shirt. Did he. This is. I got it straight from Fluffy's show.

[Steven Crowder]

Did he yank it off a picnic table without disrupting the dishes.

[Josh Fierstein]

No, I'm pretty sure it made a mess.

[Steven Crowder]

No, I didn't even think about it until you said, hey, that's my shirt. This is on you.

[Josh Fierstein]

Fat spiky haired kid is wearing the same shirt.

[Lane Noodles]

I am like, he's hitting on her, though.

[Josh Fierstein]

Look at a picture.

[Steven Crowder]

And it was Daniel Stern. I was like, hey, he's got my nose. You be like, oh, well, now I'm thinking of it. Oh, I guess. Sorry, this is a cuz. I just wanted to. I guess we have a. What? There's a clip.

[Lane Noodles]

There's a. So she's going to read a little bit for us as well.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, she reads an excerpt.

[Lane Noodles]

There seems to be a little bit of an audio play.

[Gerald]

I'd given birth two years earlier, a few months shy of my 30th birthday. Pushing will be easy. The nurse told me after I'd arrived at the hospital.

[Steven Crowder]

Let me guess. It was hard.

[Gerald]

Myself on the linoleum floor repeating, oh, oh, f. Sounding like I was having the best orgasm of my life instead of experiencing the most agonizing pain I'd ever known.

[Josh Fierstein]

It always comes back to that.

[Gerald]

It's dilated, which impressed the staff. For someone like you, you'll be done in 30 minutes. Instead, let me guess. You're a victim for four hours.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, my gosh.

[Gerald]

The muscle between my ass and my vagina in the process.

[Steven Crowder]

This is why.

[Josh Fierstein]

Look.

[Steven Crowder]

And I'm sure that giving birth hurts. Yes, I'm sure it's unpleasant, but I'm not gonna give it to you ladies. I'm not gonna give it to you. Because it's always this. It's always this story that someone has to go like. And actually. And I did it without an epidural. And I did it. And you know, I had three women one time that go like, you know what? It really wasn't that bad. I've had three women on three separate occasions. How did I know that hers is gonna be. Most births are tough, but let me tell you why mine was even more difficult. Well, otherwise, how would you have social currency?

[Lane Noodles]

It's true.

[Josh Fierstein]

Four hours. My wife was more than four hours.

[Steven Crowder]

Four hours isn't even that long. All right, she goes on.

[Josh Fierstein]

No, it's like a baseball game, which Josh was watching.

[Steven Crowder]

It was a violent transition into a new reality of screaming baby on my aching tit and ring on my swollen finger. And then. Did you partake in the miracle of life? Everything is about an orgasm. Like, huh? What does this remind me of?

[Lane Noodles]

Let me guess.

[Steven Crowder]

Is it sex? When I was having a baby, it's like having sex, having an orgasm, and then my. And my swollen ring finger. Some people, or most people, all people throughout history would have. Would have referred to these details as largely irrelevant. Like, yeah, yeah, sure, ring. It's the first stuff she mentions. My ring finger. And it was hard and I had to push for four hours. And they were really impressed. And something, something orgasm. Just. You are the worst.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yo, what up, fam? It's your boy, D Day, AKA D Boy, AKA Delish, AKA D Spice, AKA D Dog. The D Trigger, the D Town clown. The one and only D Train. Always in detention, always taking detours. Did you just call yourself D Day? Do you know how disrespectful that is? You look more like D cup.

[Steven Crowder]

Why don't you suck Ds?

[Josh Fierstein]

Nuts, dad. Why don't you move out? You know, it's an unstable economy out there. All kinds of messed up stuff. Inconsistent interest rates, predatory loans and such. Darryl, call American Finance. They can help you work around all of that. I told you this like a hundred times. And I told you a hundred times. You better stop talking about me like that. Stop calling me Darryl, you goofy B. Tch. What did you just say to me, boy?

[Gerald]

Nothing.

[Steven Crowder]

I didn't say nothing.

[Josh Fierstein]

Call the pros at American financing today at 1-800-974-6500 or visit www.americanfinancing.net Crowder NMLS 182334. If you start today, you may even delay up to two mortgage payments.

[Steven Crowder]

And then, in a time period that felt both instant and excruciatingly slow. Good. Good use of contrasts. My marriage collapsed. It just happened to collapse, right?

[Josh Fierstein]

Like.

[Steven Crowder]

Like it spontaneously combusted. It just came out of nowhere. How much you want to bet it didn't come out of nowhere? Six months after my son was born, my husband and I stopped having sex.

[Lane Noodles]

Well, there you go.

[Steven Crowder]

Less than a year later, we separated.

[Lane Noodles]

I don't think he married you for your mind.

[Steven Crowder]

I'm only going based on the article.

[Lane Noodles]

I don't have anything else.

[Steven Crowder]

It's not my fault. And this is the thing, too. Like, I'm not saying. First off, I don't know if they stopped having sex because he didn't want to have sex or because she didn't want to have sex. I'm willing to take a guess. But I'm not saying it's okay to cheat at all. I'm never saying. But I'm saying that if you. If you are the one who specifically withheld Sex from your husband a year after. That's all. All here is like, what a cheating piece of. Like, we. There are so many stories of guys who are like, hey, he wants to invest all of his sexual energy in you. And he's been rebuffed for years and years. It is. This is why there's a biblical prescription. You are not to deny each other at all. People think that is more offensive and that is more sex. It's the same thing for him to you, by the way.

[Lane Noodles]

And right after pregnant, like, you're. You should know this going into it. This is something that they'll teach you and say, hey, by the way, when you have your baby, you're not gonna feel like having sex for a little while. Husband, just understand for just a little bit. Not six months, Just a little bit. Her body's gonna need time to recover, but you guys need to come back together quickly because the baby will start to look like it's replacing the husband.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Fierstein]

But the thing is, she said they stopped having sex six months after she gave birth.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah.

[Josh Fierstein]

That means they were having sex.

[Lane Noodles]

It seems like it.

[Steven Crowder]

Right?

[Josh Fierstein]

Shortly after she gave birth. I mean, they had to. She was thinking about it while giving birth.

[Lane Noodles]

Well, I guess it was on. You're right.

[Josh Fierstein]

She's like, oh, stop coming out. Go back in.

[Steven Crowder]

Don't you. Hey, don't. You don't know what I had to go through for four hours. The character I'd learned to embody after my divorce, in my period of compulsively dating was a villain. Poison Ivy. Oh, my God. Catwoman.

[Lane Noodles]

See, there you go.

[Steven Crowder]

Sexual but scary. Oh, how did I guess that that was what you were embodying and a thief.

[Josh Fierstein]

Were you a thief also? Stealing.

[Steven Crowder]

You put poison on your lips.

[Josh Fierstein]

Well, yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

You killing men, you're giving them what they want. And she drank gin martinis. Many, many gin martinis.

[Lane Noodles]

Okay, seems like a problem.

[Josh Fierstein]

So. But we're.

[Steven Crowder]

This all came after the divorce, so it wasn't like that you were a villain and that you were scary and drank many, many martinis and didn't have sex with your husband for at least six months. I'm willing to bet more. Which maybe led to the divorce is you were abandoned and all of this came after. It's the old chicken or the whore.

[Josh Fierstein]

She drank gin martinis. Many, many gin martinis. For somebody who is so, you know, such a snob about what bars you go to, you should be able to know that all martinis are made with gin.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes, they are. Well, there's That's a whole debate, but I'm with you on that.

[Josh Fierstein]

There's a vodka martini.

[Steven Crowder]

It's not a real thing, but you

[Josh Fierstein]

call it a vodka martini. You don't call it a gin martini. You call it a martini or a vodka martini.

[Steven Crowder]

It's like, I feel like before she wrote this article, she had.

[Josh Fierstein]

She.

[Steven Crowder]

It's like she just discovered gin.

[Lane Noodles]

Did Josh take his shirt off?

[Josh Fierstein]

No.

[Lane Noodles]

Put the picture up. Put it up. Is that why

[Josh Fierstein]

you see how much fatter I looked in that shirt? No, I didn't take. I have. I'm wearing a shirt.

[Lane Noodles]

No, you just took the other shirt off. And I just noticed.

[Steven Crowder]

If you go into his wardrobe today, you're in for a big surprise.

[Josh Fierstein]

You know what, dudes?

[Steven Crowder]

True to you guys, I shouldn't have

[Josh Fierstein]

said anything, all right? I'm working on myself. It's your own fault, inside and out.

[Steven Crowder]

Well, you know what? If you really want to work on yourself, you should have embody bane.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh, you guys. You guys, keep this coming. It just feels like I am. I'm ejaculating.

[Steven Crowder]

I'm confused about bisexuality, but I found it in the bottom of a Jedi bomb. I'm Latinx.

[Josh Fierstein]

Remember that. Remember when he said he was Latinx?

[Steven Crowder]

Yes. And now we will have a Pim's cup. All right,

[Josh Fierstein]

I'm more of a penguin dude.

[Steven Crowder]

And you have my permission to drink a gimlet. All right, Divorced, single mom. What about instead, a woman who needs nothing from men? Didn't you just say that you needed a bunch of guys?

[Josh Fierstein]

She needs you to use to figure

[Steven Crowder]

out who you are. And you needed the attention you have. Tick maker.

[Josh Fierstein]

She needs penis. You know, the one thing that makes men men. Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

No, but she doesn't, though, because she could do it better by herself.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh.

[Steven Crowder]

Everything that she says contradicts the other thing that she says.

[Lane Noodles]

And we're just getting started.

[Steven Crowder]

This is why women weren't allowed to vote. This is why they weren't allowed to vote. This is why they weren't allowed to vote. You know why. And I'm not saying that that should be the case. Okay? My dealing with universal suffrage is anyone, man or woman, you need to pay taxes. Right? We've gone through all that, the requirements. However, can we just acknowledge. Can we just acknowledge that it's not like every civilization, including those who had no contact with the other, just dreamt the idea that. You know what? Women don't know what they want every single. We can't let them vote.

[Lane Noodles]

What?

[Steven Crowder]

Because they don't Know what they want. I don't need anything from a man, but I needed the attention. I don't need a man to tell me who I am, though. I needed to date as many men as possible to figure out who I was post divorce. Now apply that to Senate seats.

[Josh Fierstein]

A woman who needs nothing from men. Okay, great. You got the bill, right?

[Steven Crowder]

Not this bar. Maybe he could spring for some matcha.

[Josh Fierstein]

You know, we're going to Nobu. You got it right?

[Steven Crowder]

Or you just tip with your DVD set like Jeremy Pippen. All right.

[Josh Fierstein]

What?

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, you didn't know that? Apparently, he would tip it. No, I have no idea if this is true. Don't sue me. Because apparently he's litigious. He would tip at Nobu. He would give them. He'd sign a copy of the Entourage DVD set.

[Lane Noodles]

No. Yeah, yeah, Baller. Move.

[Steven Crowder]

What an asshole.

[Josh Fierstein]

Sue me over that.

[Gerald]

I still like him.

[Steven Crowder]

I still like him more than this. All right, how about instead of woman who needs nothing for men, I already had the kid and the motherhood experience so many of my friends secretly coveted. While pretending to date casually, I had no illusions about the romance of marriage or shared life together. Not the way you did it. I learned the hard way that being alone was better than most partnerships, provided I have a revolving door of meaningless sexual encounters with men. Because I need to find out who I am while not needing anything from men. You understand this, right, Gerald?

[Josh Fierstein]

You understand.

[Steven Crowder]

You're not a chauvinist. You understand it, right? Fuck you. I'd see I'd seen too much. Discovered what many women do only when they get divorced in their middle 40s. I'd lived through the failure of a unit, yet I was barely into my 30s. This was my villain origin story.

[Josh Fierstein]

I think you're already there.

[Lane Noodles]

Takes herself way too serious.

[Steven Crowder]

Also, like, it's just. Okay. Well, only when they get. I've seen too much. Like, if this was thrust. You'd lived through the failure. Did you contribute to the failure? Did you contribute to. Hey, are you the reason for the failure?

[Josh Fierstein]

No way, dude.

[Steven Crowder]

We have a friend. We know. We have a friend who we know. I won't. I won't name them, but they. They had a divorce and they were unfaithful to their wife. And you know what they said? You know what? I deserved it. I really screwed up, and I regret it. And. And I didn't even fight at that point. I just wanted to make sure that I took care of the family. And, like, all the time. If a guy does it, every guy I've known. Could just be because they're around us. They will tell you. Yeah, yeah, that was. That one was on me. And here's just. There was a failure of a unit. I don't know what happened. I only know that I don't need a man.

[Josh Fierstein]

A failure of a unit is a. That means shared accountability. That means that she is saying subconsciously or, you know, quietly that she did it too. And, well, he's not. Not to blame.

[Steven Crowder]

You know what's really bothersome about this? I mean, everything but the way she's writing it. Like, I'd seen too much. I'd discover what many women do only when they get divorced in their mid-40s. Like. Like she thinks. Like she's ahead of the game.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

Like I've. Since I. Since I screwed up my marriage in my 30s. I'm now basically an oracle.

[Josh Fierstein]

She's a prodigy.

[Steven Crowder]

Horacle. That's exactly. I'm a horacle.

[Lane Noodles]

Now I get to go be a whore.

[Steven Crowder]

All right, here comes.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh, dude. She's the Michael Jordan of whoredom. Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

She's the Wayne Gretz. She's the Wayne Gretzky of slots. The great one.

[Josh Fierstein]

I was trying to think of that. Chess player sluts.

[Steven Crowder]

She is the magnificent of slots. Checkmate.

[Josh Fierstein]

Snatch.

[Lane Noodles]

I think he meant Bobby Fischer, but we'll go with, yeah, Bobby.

[Steven Crowder]

She is the Bobby Fisher of harlots.

[Josh Fierstein]

I just choose your favorite.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah, whichever one. They all work.

[Steven Crowder]

She's the queen's gambit. If she were a filthy whore. All right. She's proud of it. She's talking about being a whore. Right? This is the whole thing. Just to be clear, isn't it crazy? We have to be good.

[Lane Noodles]

Caveat.

[Steven Crowder]

Caveat, caveat. Who would be offended at us referring to this person as a slut, as a whore, when that's what she writes about? Everything, everything, everything, everything. And wait, where do you get off asking about my body count? Well, I just want to confirm what you wrote in a publication to the world. Okay, here's another. Another self important paragraph, like all good supervillain bitches. No, no, I just.

[Josh Fierstein]

No, you have to keep going because we have to get to Gerald.

[Steven Crowder]

No, I really don't.

[Josh Fierstein]

We have to get to Gerald's part.

[Steven Crowder]

No way. We're gonna get this done.

[Lane Noodles]

You gotta. You gotta do it. Gotta do it.

[Josh Fierstein]

This is gonna rival the election stream.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah, we're here for six hours. When Lane pitches, I was like, yes, make Steven hurt.

[Steven Crowder]

The worst part of. It's not that I'm reading this. It's that I know. I can just picture so many women. Anyone not us, reading this? Like,

[Josh Fierstein]

you go, girl. Super villain. You're the bad girl.

[Steven Crowder]

Super villain bitches.

[Josh Fierstein]

You're bad.

[Steven Crowder]

Like all good super villain bitches, as we well know. Even though I'm good, let me use another allegory of an art form I'm completely un familiar with. And then let me go into that industry and tell people, sorry, you know, your comic books that we all made fun of you for reading when you were young. You need more women in them. You need more good supervillain bitches. Hope you're listening. James Gunn.

[Josh Fierstein]

He's all over it.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, like all good super villain bitches, I was an urban creature. But that's not even accurate, though. That's not even accurate. I mean, I'm drawing a blip. I know there are plenty of. There are super villains not only from rural areas. There are super villains from nuclear waste plants, from laboratories, from other planets. Does she think that all of them are from the Upper west side or Alphabet Village?

[Lane Noodles]

Mostly. I love your comic book nerdiness coming out of this.

[Steven Crowder]

That's why I don't watch them. I have so many. I read.

[Josh Fierstein]

Com.

[Steven Crowder]

I was that guy. Being a New Yorker made being a single mom feel sexier. Bohemian. Or at least that's what I told myself. I wasn't driving a minivan to the grocery store. That's for, you know, actual present moms. I was carrying my stroller up stairwells and yelling at loud neighbors to the apartment wall while still wearing my miniskirt and eyeliner from the night before. Erin Brockovich of Canal Street. I'm gonna bet her neighbors weren't even loud. No, I'm gonna bet her neighbors weren't even loud. Yeah, they were. Just like. They were like, hey, do you need help, Gabe?

[Gerald]

Why?

[Steven Crowder]

Don't tell me what to do. Just because. What? Cause you think I'm some lady of the night? No. Well, you're coming back at 2:30am with eyeliner and makeup, so.

[Josh Fierstein]

So the walk of shame.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Steven Crowder]

The Erin Brockovich of Canal Street. How is that even play? So you start this. Okay, let me just read the first part of this paragraph and the last and see if you can identify why. This is very bad writing. Like all good super villain bitches. Aaron Brockovich of Canal Street. You just switched analogies. Go with the. Go with the. She's not a super villain.

[Lane Noodles]

Do you have to pick one?

[Steven Crowder]

Didn't she file some lawsuit over tap water or something?

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah, she did a great job as an investigative lawyer.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Josh Fierstein]

She moved to Texas, I think.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah. Went after PG&E.

[Steven Crowder]

Don't you love how, like, that's the big corruption? Then they make a film about that. But nothing about acorn, nothing about the Somali daycare fraud, nothing about COVID They had the tap water. There's too much of the stuff. All right, thank God I get a break.

[Lane Noodles]

This is what you've been able.

[Steven Crowder]

Because this next part, it means it must get uncomfortably sexual. And I think we've already driven the message home. If you're a parent, like, there are no good examples. There are no good examples in female centric content podcast spaces, influencer spaces that I've found. There are either flat out bad examples or very often disingenuous ones who at least passively justify the bad examples. You can say what you want about some people on the right, the bro sphere, they still all have something to offer beyond just being born pretty. Like, that's the big difference. If you're a parent, you need to be on guard. You need to be on the lookout. If you have a daughter, they're coming for them. And that brings us to even worse Gerald Reed stuff.

[Lane Noodles]

All right, so this. I think this starts out with the guy. So I wasn't sure.

[Josh Fierstein]

Just read it.

[Lane Noodles]

Okay, fine.

[Steven Crowder]

Where's the music?

[Lane Noodles]

I just. I wasn't sure if you just wanted to grab a drink as, like, friends. He said, swaying a bit. I touched his back as I had done a hundred times before. You're pretty, he said. Mm, perfect. I thought. He didn't even think he had a chance with me walking into this. Which meant that when I find myself.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh.

[Lane Noodles]

On my knees in front of him an hour later, it's half empty apartment.

[Josh Fierstein]

No, no, no.

[Steven Crowder]

Come on, keep it. Keep it, gentleman.

[Lane Noodles]

Filled with cardboard boxes and a fiddle leaf bag. Typical. And a bookshelf on which the books had been organized by color.

[Steven Crowder]

I could never do that. Wait, is this his apartment?

[Josh Fierstein]

Yes.

[Steven Crowder]

Does he live in cardboard boxes?

[Josh Fierstein]

I think he lives in cardboard boxes.

[Steven Crowder]

Okay, all right, Sorry, go ahead. Gerald read stuff, not me.

[Lane Noodles]

I was especially satisfied by his expression when he looked down at me.

[Steven Crowder]

Go for it.

[Lane Noodles]

He couldn't believe I was putting his dick in my mouth.

[Josh Fierstein]

Don't laugh.

[Steven Crowder]

Read it like a woman.

[Josh Fierstein]

This is serious.

[Lane Noodles]

He told me I look like Cleopatra. When I gave head, I found everything I'd come there for. A praying mantis devouring her mate.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, like a good supervillain. This has been Gerald Reed stuff.

[Lane Noodles]

Jeez, I hate all of you.

[Josh Fierstein]

She has a style. She Has a writing style. She. She definitely loves her. Her. Her quick. Yeah, her quick analogies. Her quick metaphors.

[Steven Crowder]

By the way, quick show of hand.

[Josh Fierstein]

Eric Brockvich of Canal Street. A praying mantis devouring her mate. Like all good supervillain.

[Lane Noodles]

By the way.

[Steven Crowder]

I don't think that praying mantis devour their mates. Do they do that?

[Lane Noodles]

Like black widows?

[Steven Crowder]

Praying mantises do that.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah, I know.

[Steven Crowder]

Black widows.

[Lane Noodles]

They eat them.

[Josh Fierstein]

There's a chance.

[Gerald]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

Also, show of hands. Show of hands. Who is willing to bet their life on the fact that this man absolutely did not say she looked like Cleopatra performing fellatio? That's her fantasy.

[Lane Noodles]

How would she know that?

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah. No way. You look like I'm about to conquer you and end an empire.

[Steven Crowder]

That's exactly right. You look like an opium whore with a beehive gourd vibrator.

[Lane Noodles]

It's like she got him. I love it. I was especially satisfied by his expression when he looked down at me. You just gave him everything that he wanted. It's a victory.

[Steven Crowder]

I know. She's suffering.

[Josh Fierstein]

He said I look like Cleopatra when I was down there. Which meant that. That he thought I was his sister.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. I love. And I. I just.

[Josh Fierstein]

She married her brother.

[Steven Crowder]

I just loved his surprise that he couldn't believe. It's like. Yeah. Because he thought he'd have to work for it.

[Lane Noodles]

You're just such an easy.

[Steven Crowder]

He was just like, okay, so I've got someone. Okay. I guess. Oh, I thought you valued yourself. I guess not. Queen of Egypt.

[Lane Noodles]

Well, I guess we don't need the boxed wine.

[Steven Crowder]

I didn't even car. I didn't even cover the cardboard boxes.

[Josh Fierstein]

No, I can't move home to Wyoming.

[Steven Crowder]

It's all over.

[Josh Fierstein]

I saw it.

[Steven Crowder]

I can move to Wyoming. I can be rural because I'm not a badass villain. We all know they're urban.

[Lane Noodles]

Hold on, let me get my camera.

[Steven Crowder]

Before my separation, I'd never had a one night stand. I'd never slept with someone the same day I met them.

[Josh Fierstein]

In fact, you danced naked in a Robin Thick video.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah.

[Josh Fierstein]

You didn't. Anybody there? No. Yeah, right.

[Steven Crowder]

Come on. Yeah. She does that for. I do that for me. That makes me feel sexy.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah. Okay.

[Steven Crowder]

The fact that you interpret it as sexual. You're almost as bad as the guy who said Cleopatra when I performed fellatio on him.

[Josh Fierstein]

All right, I believe it.

[Steven Crowder]

I don't think you do. And that's the problem with your tone. Picnic shirt.

[Josh Fierstein]

It's just white.

[Steven Crowder]

In fact, I'd only slept with eight People, four of whom had been live in boyfriends and one of whom was my male best friend in high school. We had sex once and he shuddered and he. And he shuddered and ejaculated the second he entered me. I didn't fuck anyone. I wasn't pretty sure I would fall. Would fall in love with me because I wanted to be precious. Mission not accomplished.

[Lane Noodles]

I hate Lane for putting this all together.

[Steven Crowder]

I knew that boys didn't treat girls they thought of as slut tenderly. Didn't stop you boys didn't fall in love with, want forever with, raise babies with, or take care of sluts. Now you're getting it right. I wanted to be taken care of desperately. I tried to be a good girl. In quotes, like, whatever that means. No, it's pretty clear.

[Lane Noodles]

Patriarchy.

[Steven Crowder]

Keeping my body count low was insurance. I thought it meant no one would ever cheat on me, that I'd always be loved, happy and safe. False premise. False premise. False premise. Like, yeah, it's better to have a lower body count if you want a forever relationship, if you want a good husband. Why? Because the kind of man who will be a good husband is the kind of man who is inclined to care about body count because he doesn't want to be number 142. It's not a guarantee. It's a prerequisite to find in most scenarios, a good man. And then you have to continue the work. You see this a lot where a lot of women are like, I cleared the bar early.

[Josh Fierstein]

8.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, that's like. That's a comeback. That's gonna be a comeback. I guarantee you every time they had an argument in her marriage, he'd be like, well, you know, come on. Like, I just. I mean, I come home and it's a picnic only fuck date,

[Josh Fierstein]

and I douse myself in holy water.

[Steven Crowder]

That's right. I reset my body count by a witch doctor in Brazil. He waved some chicken bones.

[Lane Noodles]

I'm at 6 now.

[Steven Crowder]

Happy and safe. Okay, none of that turned out to be true. In the years leading up to. Wait, hold on a second. Am I supposed to read this?

[Lane Noodles]

I skipped down just.

[Steven Crowder]

Well, no, actually, this brings back.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, no, wait. No, that is it. Okay. Sorry. It was highlighted wrong. Let me. I thought it meant no one would ever cheat on me, that I'd always be loved, happy and safe. None of that turned out to be true because it turns out that's never been a thing. And no one promised it to me, and no one else except for me actually believes it. But that won't stop Me from being entitled to more. Gerald reads stuff. All right, Gerald, contain yourself though. Read it. You know, read it. All gentlemanly the way you. You're very articulate.

[Lane Noodles]

I got this.

[Steven Crowder]

Like Mr. Feeny.

[Lane Noodles]

I got this. Okay, here we go. I decided to f my way into a new kind of woman. I wanted to destroy the Madonna. The special girl I'd worked so hard to be. An eight pound baby had torn my vagina in two and replace her with the whore.

[Steven Crowder]

Hold on now. It's the baby's fault. Well, it can't be hers. So Scottish, by the way. One thing, one thing. Do you notice that like the things she reviles most about her body are their biological mechanisms?

[Josh Fierstein]

Yes.

[Steven Crowder]

Like when it's sucking on my tit like that's what it's for.

[Josh Fierstein]

She.

[Steven Crowder]

This baby ripped through my vagina. Like that's the only thing I need to do with it. Like that's your. That's the primary reproductive functions of these organs and glands.

[Gerald]

And she.

[Steven Crowder]

She clearly resents this baby a little bit.

[Lane Noodles]

Poor guy. Girl.

[Steven Crowder]

Whatever it is. Okay, sorry. Continue, Gerald. Read stuff.

[Lane Noodles]

Music. Sometimes you're like a 40 year old divorcee and other times like a 22 year old slut. My friend said after watching me in shorts and lip liner navigate the cliquish politics of school drop off. Was I punitive? Making many men suffer for the crimes of one. I honestly didn't care.

[Steven Crowder]

Of course you don't. All these men suffered as I sucked their dick holocaust. Oh no. I've been a bad boy. Like she's a man eater. It's like your mouth is the Treblinka of death. It's Treblinka was. Instead of a concentration camp, it was a respawn camp. He gets up and he goes, thanks for teaching me that lesson.

[Lane Noodles]

I really needed that.

[Steven Crowder]

Well, here's the thing. The guys who she's with obviously don't care. They're thrilled with that. But the only thing that's guaranteed is you of course are warding off any potential decent man. Because I know right now you say that you don't care and you don't want it. I also love. Again. It's the baby's fault for making your nipples sore. It's the baby's fault for ripping your vagina. It's the baby's fault for turning you into a whore. By the way, congratulations. Very few people, very few women would be willing to blame their whoredom on their baby. But you are a special kind of low. And then making many men suffer for the crimes of one. Do we know. Do we know that her ex husband committed a crime?

[Lane Noodles]

No.

[Steven Crowder]

Do we know that yet?

[Lane Noodles]

Like there were any crimes?

[Steven Crowder]

Maybe we do know they didn't have sex for six months to a year.

[Josh Fierstein]

Did he cheat on her? What happened here?

[Steven Crowder]

I don't.

[Josh Fierstein]

That's what she was kind of alluding to. She was kind of alluding to it.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes, he did cheat on her.

[Josh Fierstein]

Cheat on her.

[Lane Noodles]

Okay, okay.

[Steven Crowder]

He did cheat on her. We're sure that she, of course, never did sure. And we're sure that she in no way, at any point was seeking the attention of the male gazette. All started after divorce.

[Lane Noodles]

She just. She fell off the wagon after.

[Steven Crowder]

All right, sorry. This has been Gerald Reed stuff. I forgot. That's the end. And by the way, here's the real problem too, with the. With the blind spots and being tone deaf young women, like, they're just as. If every woman in America were to write op EDS about the dating scene. Because I'm about to get into some of her other dates, particularly women. If they were writing a memoir of their dating before marriage, most of them would read like, and I wanted a date and he wasn't right for me. And so we didn't sleep together. We had some ice cream. He tried to kiss me good night. I said no, and we moved on. Like, that would be most of them. You don't have to blow a man in front of his cardboard box home or sleep with as many men as humanly possible to feel sexy while claiming that you need nothing for men. Like, this is not normal.

[Lane Noodles]

No, it's to punish them. You have to punish them appropriately.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, by bringing them to climax.

[Lane Noodles]

And repeatedly.

[Steven Crowder]

That'll show them ding dong, who has it. I'm here to. I hear you punish people. I'm here to be punished.

[Lane Noodles]

There's a lot of us.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah. None of my wife punished me tonight.

[Lane Noodles]

There you go.

[Josh Fierstein]

Hell hath no fury like a stupid whore.

[Steven Crowder]

All right, here we go.

[Lane Noodles]

Careful, she may become vice president.

[Steven Crowder]

I just ordered my first martini. When perhaps to make up for the fact he didn't drink, and in an attempt to seem edgy, he brought up how incest quote actually runs in my family. I choked on the slime of an oyster as he continued describing the time his mother and sister had caught him watching incest porn, miming with his hand the motion of touching himself hard and fast. It was some sibling. He shrugged, describing the offending video.

[Josh Fierstein]

Well, she's got a point here. Can we all just. Can we all just come together on that One like, yes, of course this is a. This, this is a date. That sucks. But. Or surely she's not gonna have sex with them now, right?

[Steven Crowder]

Surely she's not gonna. And surely she did nothing to attract this type. Along with the cardboard box guy in

[Lane Noodles]

the blowjob, she's going to need to punish him as well.

[Steven Crowder]

Well, look, it would seem to me, like, if this guy wants to bang his sister, that's a deal breaker even by your extremely low standards, as we've become familiar with. That's where it ends, right? You're like, okay, I'm leaving. Because that's what everyone would hear. Would do. We'll see if we were like, wait, you slept with your brother? Check, please. Oh, boy. Yes, men raised in New York are uniquely disturbed characters from Manhelp. But there you go again with the zip code thing. As far as behavior. There are good men in New York and there are crappy men in Wyoming. There are villains from other planets and there are villains who happen to be from Queens. Like the places. That's not the zip code.

[Josh Fierstein]

This is just. This is just justifying living in New York. Yeah, everything about New York has to be, like, so spectacular and grand, and it has to be, like a unique

[Steven Crowder]

experience because there are no churches in New York. All men want to have sex with their sister or live in a cardboard box. Okay. Later, in the Uber back to Manhattan, he told the driver to turn up bad Bunny and enthusiastically nodded his head to the beat, attempting to sing along. That was my introduction to the dating scene. I didn't F him. Okay. Oh, good, good. But he was an anomaly. Everyone else. There was a vegan graffiti artist. I don't. I can't think of any other. I can't think of any other three word sequence as a descriptor of an individual. That would be a more effective disqualifier. Vegan graffiti artist, swipe left. Or whichever one is bad.

[Josh Fierstein]

Like, just.

[Lane Noodles]

No. No vegan graffiti artist

[Josh Fierstein]

sounds. She knows how to make, like, an ethical conundrum.

[Steven Crowder]

There was a vegan graffiti artist with impeccable posture. Well, it's New York chef who thought he might have chlamydia.

[Gerald]

Nice.

[Steven Crowder]

So just to be clear, she said he was an anomaly, meaning the incest guy is the only guy she didn't sleep with.

[Josh Fierstein]

With.

[Steven Crowder]

She did sleep with the vegan graffiti artist.

[Lane Noodles]

Sounds like it.

[Steven Crowder]

Or. Sorry. And she did sleep with the chef who thought he might have chlamydia. Okay.

[Josh Fierstein]

All right, great.

[Steven Crowder]

Spanish Gen Z who couldn't stop sending me nudes. That's I crazy enough. That's the most normal among them. The most normal one. He sent me news. How much you want to bet he saw your pictures? I don't know, everywhere. And he's like, oh, get it out a little bit.

[Josh Fierstein]

He stole a bell.

[Steven Crowder]

Bell kernel.

[Josh Fierstein]

Now he said he's showing it works.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah.

[Josh Fierstein]

We have to make things even.

[Steven Crowder]

Even Stevens. He went to the store. He's like, I have a very special day tonight. What should I do for a lady who uses cheats makeup? I know. I will send the nudes. Send in the nudes.

[Josh Fierstein]

But I put a rose in my mouth.

[Steven Crowder]

That's right.

[Josh Fierstein]

And I stuck on my own thumb.

[Steven Crowder]

If I do not do this, he will not think it is. It is fair for me to have seen poor Lady Parks and her to have not seen my penis. I am only equalizing the playing field for you. You're welcome. Now please be good Cleopatra and suss my penis. He is New York heavily self medicated, son of a billionaire with questionable politics. Let me guess, he was a Republican, but you banged him. Several Italians. Nice. Shout out to an entire nation of people. And of course another dj. Well, of course it's unavoidable.

[Josh Fierstein]

Another dj.

[Steven Crowder]

The list goes on.

[Josh Fierstein]

But of course.

[Steven Crowder]

But for legal reasons, I will not.

[Gerald]

What? What? Legal.

[Josh Fierstein]

What do you mean legal?

[Steven Crowder]

Re.

[Josh Fierstein]

What lawyers. Like. Okay, all right. Yeah, you could. You could definitely say self medicating son of a billionaire who is a republican for sure.

[Steven Crowder]

Right? Yeah, you can definitely say that.

[Josh Fierstein]

You could definitely say that. You could say vegan graffiti artists. There's only like three of them, but that's.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, you can even say guineas.

[Lane Noodles]

No one can.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, yeah, but don't. Please don't say kikes. I swear to God, I mean, half the firm, they are so don't.

[Steven Crowder]

Especially with the whole thing you set with. This is New York. Like we know, we know there's a lot of them.

[Josh Fierstein]

Let me guess. You went on a rampage in Brooklyn. Okay, we get it.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. All right. Go back to being a terrible little.

[Josh Fierstein]

We're gonna have sex, right? Yeah, you gotta. That's my retainer. You have to.

[Steven Crowder]

That's right. I heard you did a mean Cleopatra. And then there was.

[Josh Fierstein]

You want to see my ass, right?

[Steven Crowder]

Then there was the elder millennial obsessed with dental hygiene, psychedelics and dirty talk. More than your article Dirty toxic.

[Josh Fierstein]

Ah, come on. Throwing a dead tooth to here.

[Steven Crowder]

By the way. How is it that you just went like. He was an anomaly and you went on to describe all of these dates and the only inoffensive Descriptor here is several Italians. Everything else is bad.

[Josh Fierstein]

Well, if you've had one Italian, you've had them all. Everything else is like meatballs and meatballs.

[Steven Crowder]

Where'd you go to find a date? Mystery men.

[Josh Fierstein]

What she didn't say was the Italians was all one night.

[Steven Crowder]

It's a superhero movie where they're all bad superheroes. It wasn't, you know, my brain.

[Lane Noodles]

You gotta knock out an entire category at one time.

[Josh Fierstein]

She ate the tour of Italy in one night.

[Steven Crowder]

That's right.

[Josh Fierstein]

Finished it off with a nice.

[Steven Crowder]

But not like the other incest guy because he was Italian. But he said when you're here, you're family. He's definitely redeeming quality was he had free bread. Dude, if we ran into one of. We ran. If one of these people came into our offices or studio here, we'd be like, did you see that vegan graffiti art? Like, I know. He was nuts. You see that self medicating smelled like.

[Gerald]

I know.

[Steven Crowder]

Did you see those Italians? Yeah, that bullfighter. I know. He's still sending me nudes. I can't. All of them. At what point do you say maybe the problem was. You know what I would love to see? I would love to see the women that her ex husband dated if they are normal. Because that would give you a pretty good indicator as to cheating. In other words, like if he's dated women who are pretty domesticated and want family and share those values. And she's been dating incest whopp. Guinea graffiti vegan artist. Like it tells you. Yeah. I'm willing to bet she was wandering a little bit. Sorry. Okay, Joe.

[Josh Fierstein]

The funniest possible scenario is that he's not having sex at all and he's just raising his son or daughter.

[Steven Crowder]

The funniest possible scenario is he told her that he cheated on her just to get rid of.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, just to get like, dude, I'm pretty sure she's cheating on me. The funniest thing would be is like some of those Italians were his friends. Hey, you want something easy? My wife, she's down on Canal Street.

[Steven Crowder]

That's exactly right. Like the poison ivy juice.

[Lane Noodles]

Go ahead.

[Steven Crowder]

All right.

[Lane Noodles]

Do you like dirty talk? He'd ask. Let's see. I responded. Climbing onto his bed in a pair of lace underwear.

[Steven Crowder]

Of course you would.

[Lane Noodles]

For a man who needed to talk quite a lot in order to get his dick hard, he didn't have much of a way with words. Do you like that? You. You street walker, you dirty.

[Steven Crowder]

Well, no, he wasn't talking dirty. It was Just. It was just a descriptor.

[Lane Noodles]

A little bit.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah.

[Josh Fierstein]

He gets into it later.

[Lane Noodles]

I suppressed a giggle. Whatever happened to slut? At least there was something kind of cute about slut. Still, I was game. I liked him to feel. I like to feel him attempt to demean me when I was sure that there was no way he actually could. His innate entitlement motivated me. I knew I'd be the one to end things with him. And that felt right. It felt like. Like my responsibility, like I owed it to the world, like I was the only one for the job. Take that and I'm done.

[Steven Crowder]

Well, thanks for sticking it to me. I appreciate you really teaching me a lesson. That's what he said. This has been Gerald Reed stuff. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

[Josh Fierstein]

I think we made a big mistake. I think we've just turned her on quite a bit by calling her a slut and such.

[Steven Crowder]

How much you want to bet that this guy was like, hey, what are you. Like, he didn't just go right into streetwalker. He's like, you can't. Do you want to have. Like, do you want to role play? Okay. But then she hangs him on the technicality that he called her a whore instead of a slut. One is offensive and demeaning, the other one sexy. This is how feminists play. This is. These are the rules by which they play. It's okay. It's like the N word business in hip hop, only they can't even keep their own. At least with black people, it's pretty. Like, the lines. Like, we can say it. You can't say it with women.

[Josh Fierstein]

Like.

[Steven Crowder]

Well, we can say slut, but you can't. And we can say horror, but only in some instances. And we want you to sort of demean us and role play, but only if you use the right words. Also, just call me Cleopatra and we'll call it a day. Which no one has ever, ever, ever done. Okay, why is this out here? Why did. Why. Who thought this should be public?

[Lane Noodles]

She did.

[Steven Crowder]

Okay, Right?

[Lane Noodles]

And she, you know, cannons.

[Steven Crowder]

Because boobs. Now, remember? Yeah. Just earlier in the essay, she said, like, he couldn't believe I was putting his dick in my mouth. He told me I looked like Cleopatra. So in other words, she wants to be a slut or a whore. She wants to surprise you with whoredom.

[Lane Noodles]

Yes. Yes.

[Steven Crowder]

Now, if that guy, instead of Cleopatra, he was like, oh, this is pretty slutty. Like, what. I mean, you are. I don't. No, you're just a slut. They're just a. Whatever term they're interchangeable. They're synonyms.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah, they're synonyms. Said. He said I look like his sister.

[Josh Fierstein]

And sometimes she wants to be insulted, but sometimes she doesn't. Like, she's like Cleopatra. That's a. That's a compliment. But sometimes I want to be insulted. Like, when is he gonna look down? Oh, you look like Rosie o' Donnell down there. Yeah, you look fat and stumpy.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, you look. Hey, I thought Ellen DeGeneres. What? Ann Heche. You prefer Ann Heche. Now you're just naming lesbians.

[Josh Fierstein]

I don't know.

[Steven Crowder]

I finished a long time ago. Because you show.

[Josh Fierstein]

Sorry.

[Steven Crowder]

I learned my lesson a long time ago. Oh, no. I'm glad she feels really empowered. I'm glad she feels really empowered. All these men will have a lot of. To think about. All right. She goes on to discuss how, by the way, because she's a rebel.

[Lane Noodles]

She's.

[Steven Crowder]

She's. She has her own rules.

[Lane Noodles]

Ah. Set of rules. Yeah, every villain does.

[Steven Crowder]

I had rules. Never miss bedtime. And basically no sleepovers. That's the line.

[Lane Noodles]

Never.

[Josh Fierstein]

I mean, he could be a serial killer, but as long as we were in by 11.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. Yeah, I think babies. He thought he had chlamydia. As long as I got my beauty sleep, never missed bedtime. Basically, no sleepovers.

[Josh Fierstein]

So some sleepovers, some sleep.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, exactly. So some.

[Lane Noodles]

It's not a hard rule.

[Steven Crowder]

No, these aren't hard and fast rules. What do you mean when you say rules?

[Lane Noodles]

Smell like a toad.

[Josh Fierstein]

I don't know.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes, that's the point. You don't understand.

[Josh Fierstein]

Now I'm nervous.

[Steven Crowder]

You don't understand.

[Lane Noodles]

You don't want to be punished again, Josh.

[Josh Fierstein]

Ah, yeah. Don't. Please don't punish me.

[Steven Crowder]

Picnic shirt.

[Josh Fierstein]

Already punished.

[Steven Crowder]

These were natural and easy to abide by. There was nowhere I'd rather be than when I woke up with my toddler. So no. So now for the first time, we see some reverence or love for she's selfless. There's nowhere I'd rather be than waking up after being a whore all night and having someone else take care of my baby. Now this baby makes me feel good. So now it's good. It's not ripping my vagina. I can hold it for a little bit until I say Maria. Now you take it. You take it. You take it. You take it. I have to blow a vegan graffiti artist. There was nowhere I'd rather be than when I woke up with my toddler. So no matter the number of martinis, I'd be fully Dressed and out the door to relieve the sitter and be ready for my son's 6am Mama. Witnessing this, he'd tell me he thought I was a good mother. Single moms, man. Y' all are amazing. Women are amazing. Now, are you saying that someday he'll say this? Are you saying that he actually said.

[Josh Fierstein]

I don't think her son's saying this. I think who's saying this is either the sitter or the guy that she's leaving.

[Lane Noodles]

The elder millennial.

[Josh Fierstein]

The elder millennial?

[Lane Noodles]

Yes, he.

[Josh Fierstein]

She's leaving his apartment to go back to her house, leave the sitter sometime in the middle of night because she was too concerned with being a whore than being at home for her.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes, yes.

[Josh Fierstein]

Because two year old son or three year old son. And the guy would witness her leaving his house after she punished him with a blowjob.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah.

[Josh Fierstein]

And he would say, you're getting the fuck out of my house already. That's amazing.

[Steven Crowder]

You're incredible.

[Josh Fierstein]

You're a great mom. Get out of here.

[Steven Crowder]

She has tricked herself. And we are reading about it, the whole public has now read about. She has tricked herself into believing that she was. It was important that I be the one in control. I'm the one. I left early. And we are just literally seeing the guys get what they want from a street whore like her. It's like, ah, you look like Cleopatra. I guess I don't need to call you again. Like, yeah, I'm the one who's leaving. You're. Oh, that's because you're a single mom. Amazing. I have so much respect for you. He goes, I have so much respect. I'd rather you stay. But you can't because you're amazing.

[Josh Fierstein]

His version of the story is. His version of the story is so much different. Yeah, he's like, dude, you know. But you know that Emily Ratajkowski chick?

[Steven Crowder]

The.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, from the Robin Thick. Yeah, yeah, with the boobs that look exactly like you remember, right? Yes. I saw them in person. Guess what? They look the same. Dude. It wasn't even like an hour. She let me hit it, dude, so quick. She was sucking. She was like, do I look like Cleopatra? And I was like, yeah, sure.

[Steven Crowder]

I don't even.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah, whatever it takes for you to get it on your face. And then. Dude, get this, get this. I didn't even have to ask her to leave. She just left. Yeah, she does it all the time. She comes over, bangs me, and then leaves.

[Steven Crowder]

And all of that guy's friends treated him Like. Like he just told them he saw a ufo. He's like, came over, performed fellatio and then left early. No, they're like, yeah, that's. There you are, Mr. Upper East Side. Always telling tall tales. See?

[Josh Fierstein]

Then he went back to the bar.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes.

[Josh Fierstein]

Let me guess. Then Spider man came in and, okay, got accosted by ninjas.

[Steven Crowder]

I taught him a lesson, and it only took three days to wipe the smile off his face. Later, he'd call me. Later he'd call me a whore in order to come. Please bleep that. Hot. My married friend purred, titillated by the thought of sex with someone, anyone other than her husband. Could you imagine if a guy was just writing this? Titillated by the thought of sex with anyone. Anyone. Someone. Anyone other than her wife.

[Josh Fierstein]

What a piece of shit.

[Steven Crowder]

I know, exactly, right?

[Josh Fierstein]

That's what people say.

[Steven Crowder]

And people say, guys, locker room to guys. This has been my experience with men, just to be clear. We will, like, a guy will discuss, like, ah, this girl was hot. Even if a man is being profane, typically it's kind of relegated to like one night stands. I have never known a man to in depth discuss sexually, his current activities with his wife, with a woman that he loves. They'll say it's good. Or, you know, last night we actually got something like that. Something that's kind of playful. But these kinds of descriptors, it's just. Women think men do it. We. We in general, we really don't like. It's gross. And I get it. I get it. You think we're gross. Like, really. You watch all the porn? Yes, I know. It's a weird code of ethics. All right, hold on. I gotta move on someone, anyone other than her husband. Okay, shoot. Hold on a second. I gotta.

[Josh Fierstein]

She also inferred this. Yeah, she inferred this. Her friend never said. Oh, my God, how much she said. She said hot.

[Lane Noodles]

A little bit.

[Josh Fierstein]

My married friend. Perk. What really happened probably was her friend went, ooh, that's hot. Yeah, that's great for you.

[Steven Crowder]

Oh, my gosh.

[Josh Fierstein]

That might be the most likely scenario. She goes, yeah. She was so jealous. Yeah, she was so jealous of me.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. I was like, what do you have to go back home? What do you have to go back to your hearth and home and your man who loves you, who stayed with you and your baby who probably tore your vagina.

[Josh Fierstein]

She's gonna be thinking about my sexcapades while he. Yeah, while she's cuddling with him on the couch later and talking about how they enjoy their lives together.

[Steven Crowder]

You wish you could be an amazing Cleopatra. You're just a wife and a mom, bitch.

[Josh Fierstein]

You're just special to someone.

[Steven Crowder]

Right?

[Josh Fierstein]

Dumbass.

[Lane Noodles]

Wow.

[Steven Crowder]

I'm empowered. Whore. Cause she would say whore. Because that's the insult.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, right.

[Lane Noodles]

That's not the fun, playful one. All right.

[Steven Crowder]

When we were lying in bed and I said I thought we should slow things down, he shook his head uncomfortably, scratching his arm and then his head. His baritone voice became squeaky like a child. But you seeing other people. That could embarrass me. He stammered, staring at the ceiling. I showed him.

[Lane Noodles]

Got him.

[Josh Fierstein]

He did nothing to me, and I did everything to him.

[Steven Crowder]

That's right. I confused him. Because my whole thing. Okay, look, this is what I do. I make men get really comfortable. Like, it's pattern disruption. Okay? Whore, Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore. Not having sex. They're like, what? What?

[Josh Fierstein]

What?

[Steven Crowder]

That's how I. That's how I have the power. I mean, I had sex with him after that. He came out of his office to greet me, a hand extended in front of him, and I stood up.

[Gerald]

Up.

[Steven Crowder]

Suddenly feeling self conscious about the mini dress and high knee boots I'd worn to the meeting.

[Josh Fierstein]

Hold on, hold on. Sorry. They didn't highlight this, but I think. I think it's important. So she's. So this is a different story. This is not the Millennial. This is her lawyer.

[Steven Crowder]

All right.

[Josh Fierstein]

This is her divorce lawyer.

[Steven Crowder]

Okay, sorry, part three. Divorce lawyer. All right, so I'm sorry, part three, because I'm just going by highlighting. It's very.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Lane Noodles]

Okay.

[Steven Crowder]

It's very difficult for me to read because the lights all come in this way. And they decided to put it in font. Mouse.

[Josh Fierstein]

Perfect.

[Steven Crowder]

So. So this is where she's actually. I guess she's detailing the first meeting she had with her divorce lawyer. Okay, all right.

[Josh Fierstein]

Okay.

[Steven Crowder]

Good, good, good, good, good. Well, she was. She was wrong. She was victimized there.

[Josh Fierstein]

So hopefully a father in his 50s who had a New York accent, which endeared her to him.

[Steven Crowder]

Right.

[Josh Fierstein]

And by the way, loves everything.

[Steven Crowder]

It should have been, like, the fastest meeting in the world. Because she doesn't need anything from a man.

[Josh Fierstein]

No, she doesn't.

[Steven Crowder]

Go on your merry way. You don't need a damn thing.

[Josh Fierstein]

I'm getting divorced.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, go on to being a whore. Sorry.

[Josh Fierstein]

Slut.

[Steven Crowder]

Slut. I don't mean to insult you. This is about the lawyer. He came out of his office to greet me, a hand extended in front of him, and I stood up, suddenly feeling Self conscious about the mini dress and knee high boots I'd worn to the meeting because they were horribly inappropriate. But I'm a whore who knows no better. I felt instantly that I'd let him down, shown him that I had no idea what we would be up against if we ended up in court. This was not the kind of outfit to wear to prove to a conservative judge that I was a good mother. Maybe, like, it's just. It's probably not what you should wear in a professional setting. And if you want to appear as, you know, like a good mother to a judge. I know you're obviously saying conservative is sort of a slight to a judge of any kind. Don't write this publicly.

[Josh Fierstein]

It's not about your outfit and your ability to be a mother. It's about your respect for the court.

[Lane Noodles]

Yes.

[Josh Fierstein]

It's your ability to appear as a good mother rather than be poor.

[Lane Noodles]

Right.

[Steven Crowder]

Exactly. I'm not lame.

[Josh Fierstein]

Ugh. Hopefully the judge doesn't find out that I just leave my kid at home.

[Steven Crowder]

I don't want to actually be a good mother. I just want to get money in the divorce.

[Josh Fierstein]

How am I going to go out after court?

[Steven Crowder]

But the lawyer was a kind man, or at least a polite one. And as he led me down a gray corridor to a small conference room, he gave no indication that he thought my ensemble was in any way inappropriate. That's her character judgment. He didn't call me out on anything. Which means he's a good man.

[Josh Fierstein]

He just ignored. He ignored my attempt to get his attention.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes, that's exactly right.

[Josh Fierstein]

Cause we pay him well. That. That. That was it.

[Steven Crowder]

Mm. She goes on. You know, I see a lot of cases, he began. Women who are abused emotionally, sexually, physically, monetarily. That last part is bullshit. The idea that you are seeing commonly women abused monetarily in divorce court, when that's how this guy makes a living, is to abuse men monetarily. Oh, my. Physically, emotionally, sexually, monetarily. Last week, I had a client who we'd been working with for months, gathering the information we needed to make sure her divorce would be seamless. Her husband was awful to her. Just awful. Okay. I nodded, unsure of what he was going to say next. She called me yesterday and told me she was no longer divorcing him. He paused. A practice performer. You should be proud of yourself, he said. Most women don't leave, let alone dressed

[Lane Noodles]

like a street whore, to go show the men what they deserve.

[Steven Crowder]

I left his office that day with an unexpected gift. Syphilis. Unexpected gift. A new Kind of understanding of myself. Here's the funny thing. The only way this sorry dumb whore has develops any understanding of herself is from men. Every single time I learned I was Cleopatra, I learned that I could be. And I had a new understanding of myself when he told me this, like, oh, but you don't need anything from men. Her entire identity is the sexual gaze of men. Attention from men.

[Josh Fierstein]

Now I feel bad. No, right now is where I just started feeling bad because this is incredibly sad that this is a. That this woman is alive. She values herself so low.

[Steven Crowder]

Leaving my marriage wasn't about seeking anyone's attention or approval. It was the opposite. As I sought the approval of this lawyer who I had never met before. I wasn't left. I left. I knew then that being able to leave to say no, was the only real superpower I'd gained through divorce. I was brave, really. Actually brave and asking for more money. What is brave about this? I just like.

[Josh Fierstein]

Well, I mean, yeah, getting to. Yeah, filing for divorce can be brave,

[Steven Crowder]

but this, I'll give her that. This explains the delusion, right? You didn't. He didn't leave. I left because the lawyer said that I'm still. Cuz I didn't go back to him. So really, it's like I left him.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah, she did. She left him. Right, because he cheated on her.

[Steven Crowder]

I left him.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

What'd you say?

[Josh Fierstein]

I didn't say anything.

[Steven Crowder]

What was he thinking? Guys, I need approval, but I don't need it.

[Lane Noodles]

Don't need it.

[Steven Crowder]

Still, I felt nervous walking to elder Millennials apartment later. Oh, we're back to this. Repeating the lines I'd rehearsed in my head and with my friends. Just be direct. They had told me. I sat on the floor cross legged, feeling oddly exposed.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oddly exposed. You were in a miniskirt. You sat on the floor cross legged. You exposed yourself.

[Steven Crowder]

My vagina was out, but that's no reason to call me exposed.

[Lane Noodles]

It's just how I walk around the house.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, you would think that. You would think that. What, you've never seen a vagina before?

[Lane Noodles]

Pig.

[Josh Fierstein]

Hey.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, but you actually have clothes. I didn't.

[Josh Fierstein]

There he was on the floor where there was chairs, in a mirror when I couldn't wear pants.

[Steven Crowder]

You don't know. You don't know. It could have been hibachi. It could have been crisscross applesauce. It wasn't. But it could have been cross legged, feeling oddly exposed. I was taking off my costume and going off script. Look, I began the dirty talk. Isn't really? Working for me. Of course. It's only fun if it's fun for both of us. He responded too quickly, as if reading from his own script. Why didn't you tell me earlier? I wondered the same thing. It occurred to me then that despite my performance as the supervillain. Remember that callback? A character I believed made me impenetrable. It didn't. I was just. That would be her supervillain name. The Penetratee.

[Josh Fierstein]

I was just as misguided by who I was.

[Steven Crowder]

Just as misguided. I'm getting to it.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh, sorry.

[Steven Crowder]

Piece of.

[Josh Fierstein]

Shut up, Whore.

[Steven Crowder]

I. Slut. We don't say whore.

[Josh Fierstein]

You staywalker. Streetwalker. Whatever he says.

[Steven Crowder]

That's okay. Slut. Date. Streetwalker is fine. I'll take hooker. But just whore is right out.

[Josh Fierstein]

Okay. She's a vampire now.

[Lane Noodles]

Escort.

[Steven Crowder]

I was just as misguided and vulnerable as I'd been in my 20s when I was playing the good girl and my friend. I only had a body count of nine or whatever it was. Which, by the way, you know she's lying about. Take it. Double it. So what you're really saying here is you've matured zero. Well, I don't know.

[Josh Fierstein]

There's more.

[Lane Noodles]

No, she's realizing she's matured. 0.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, she's realizing she's matured. 0. So the end of this is going to be. Don't be like me.

[Josh Fierstein]

Young women do better.

[Steven Crowder]

You're right. You know the way a man would write, like. And I realized that none of these things meant anything. It was unfulfilling and hollow. And I lost what was most important. Now I'm willing to bet. I'm willing to bet that's not what happens.

[Josh Fierstein]

No? No.

[Steven Crowder]

And everyone here can confirm. Everyone here can confirm. I did not read this before I came on here. None of it. None of it. All right, hold on a second.

[Josh Fierstein]

You know what kind of savant. It's kind of easy.

[Steven Crowder]

Shut up.

[Josh Fierstein]

Just like her.

[Steven Crowder]

Should I be a piece of. I was Cleopatra. What did you ever do?

[Josh Fierstein]

I was Anthony.

[Steven Crowder]

More like King.

[Josh Fierstein]

I was Mark Antony.

[Steven Crowder]

More like King. King Fuddy Duddy. King Tut. King Phut.

[Josh Fierstein]

King Fut.

[Steven Crowder]

I need to work on my dirty top. Yeah, you do. Later on, embalm me. All right.

[Gerald]

Ew.

[Steven Crowder]

Stop it. You're dirty. I'm a good girl. At least I was playing a good girl. I've never been connected to my own desires. It was all ridiculous. A silly game of performances with no substance. What was left for either of us? I knew then that I'D never see him again. So I kissed him hard. Unnecessarily hard. Inappropriate. Some would say I wanted to be the praying mantis one last time. Oh, my God. Is this real? Which is maybe why, mid thrust, when I felt the sting of a slap, a hard one, harder than he'd ever delivered before with the hiss of his words. I didn't ask for your feedback. I'm willing to bet that did not happen, but I really wish it did. Yeah, I really wish that this woman, who'd lived her entire life as a whore, and by the way, by her own admission, loves dirty talk. Loves being referred to as a slut, but not whore. I really do hope that he still thought they were role playing. When she had a moment when I went in to kiss and he was like, I didn't ask for your feedback.

[Josh Fierstein]

The student hasn't become the master. Dumb. A.

[Lane Noodles]

Yes. Dumb.

[Steven Crowder]

Horn.

[Lane Noodles]

No, I don't.

[Steven Crowder]

Dumb Whore. Guess so. Just like a grape.

[Josh Fierstein]

I don't think that he. I don't think that she kissed him and then he slapped her. I think that she's moving on to the rest of her story where she's like, I was gonna say goodbye, kissed him hard, and then we. And then this is her way saying then I was fucking him.

[Gerald]

I know.

[Lane Noodles]

Yeah.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah, she was.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh, okay. When did we do start doing.

[Steven Crowder]

Did I not make it to Korea? I know that the D does a D thing. Come here, come here, come here. No, I'm not getting. I can for feed the baby,

[Josh Fierstein]

By the way.

[Steven Crowder]

Go get checked. You gonna slap him around too? Oh, so lucky. I can't believe I'm a slapping a Cleopatra. Hope you don't leave it early this time. Teach me lesson. Don't leave early. An apartment and Xbox all to myself.

[Lane Noodles]

I just.

[Steven Crowder]

I can't believe someone has gone through this much of their life and you think, like, accidentally gain an ounce of wisdom.

[Lane Noodles]

No, she's like Teflon to wisdom.

[Steven Crowder]

I didn't ask for your feedback, bitch. I almost started to cry. I was there for power, but I'd forgotten. Animal brain, I thought, waiting for him to come.

[Lane Noodles]

Buying myself back by Ratajkowski.

[Steven Crowder]

Did she. Did she mean to just write this as a cautionary tale? Because it seems like she's writing at the end, like, kind of like an Alfie where it's like. And it's sad and I've made all the wrong decisions and I'm awful, and I hope that women at every single crossroads that I've faced go the opposite direction.

[Lane Noodles]

She never said any of that, though. No, she just said all of her decisions were her decisions.

[Josh Fierstein]

Yeah.

[Lane Noodles]

And they were influenced by men. Of course. And she needed men, but she didn't need men.

[Josh Fierstein]

That was the end of the article.

[Lane Noodles]

Yes.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. That was your resolution. That was the end of the article.

[Lane Noodles]

She let random men plow. A supermodel whose last name means to plow.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes. Yes. Just think about this. Let's just change one thing, okay? She's obviously very fetching. I know she's had a lot of work done, so she. She. Not my type, but I.

[Lane Noodles]

On the inside, yes.

[Steven Crowder]

Pretty. On the outside, she's very. Let's just. Let's just say, okay, a woman, super crazy attractive. Okay. And change one thing. She's chaste. That would be the superpower.

[Josh Fierstein]

She's what Chase chased.

[Steven Crowder]

She's. She's celibate. She's not sleeping around. In other words, then, guys. Well, if you want to be. Not that you should approach relationships as some type of manipulation game, but you certainly would have the upper hand. If you are hot, congratulations. You've been kissed on the forehead by the lips of God. You look that way, there's nothing you could do to deserve it. What you could do to honor it is honor yourself. And instead of giving it away, you know, it'll be more empowering, not giving it away. But here's the problem. She started doing that, too. She started doing that early on, and so she convinced herself that it was empowering. Right. Rather than acknowledge that she had made mistakes and take accountability, now she's going, actually, what's empowering is for me to use my sex as opposed to preserving it, protecting her sexual value. It's already gone. So she. She twists herself in knots to convince herself and try and convince other women. That's the problem. She knows she's lying to herself. She knows that she is lying to herself, but she's still going to lie to other young women. Why? Because the misery loves company. That's the big problem with these female role models. The same thing with Call Her Daddy podcast. These women go out and go, you know what? Actually, I'm Chelsea Handler. You think Chelsea Handler is actually happy? Anyone actually believe that?

[Gerald]

No.

[Steven Crowder]

You think this woman is actually happy? Not to mention, here's the most important thing. You think that child is better off for her mom, for his or her mom making these decisions?

[Josh Fierstein]

Maybe he has a babysitter. Probably a better person might be getting a nice. Might be getting a nice influence from that babysitter, and he's going to be a. Well adjusted young man.

[Steven Crowder]

Yes. Yes.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh, he's a. He's a boy growing up in New York. And we all know how they are all disturbed because of the conditions of their upbringing when their moms are out sleeping with guys all night.

[Steven Crowder]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lane Noodles]

But back in the morning, the.

[Josh Fierstein]

The. The audacity to. Not to say that and then not realize what you're saying. You just. You just said that all men are in New York are uniquely disturbed, and then you go on to tell us how your son is going to be uniquely disturbed because of your doing. You're a good person. You're a good person.

[Steven Crowder]

I don't know how you see what the truth means. Did I miss anything?

[Lane Noodles]

Nope. That's it?

[Steven Crowder]

There's no redemption arc? No, of course not. So who do I fire for making me read this?

[Lane Noodles]

Lane, Definitely.

[Josh Fierstein]

No, no, no. Nope. Lane gets his order from somebody else.

[Lane Noodles]

Wait.

[Josh Fierstein]

Oh.

[Lane Noodles]

Who?

[Josh Fierstein]

I don't know.

[Steven Crowder]

You know what? Let's just play it safe and say fire.

[Lane Noodles]

Noodles.

[Josh Fierstein]

Bye.