Love and Radio | “Marriage is a Religion”

Host: Nick van der Kolk
Date: July 20, 2023

Episode Overview

This emotionally charged season finale follows the story of Sarah and her ill-fated marriage to David, exploring the complexities of love, partnership, and the existential voids that drive human behavior. The episode adopts a deeply introspective tone, moving from the giddy expectations of online dating, through the development and collapse of a marriage, to a harrowing act of violence and its tragic aftermath. Central to the narrative is the notion that marriage itself can feel like a faith — something to be practiced, persisted in, and reckoned with, even in the absence of certainty or sustained passion.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Online Beginnings and the Appeal of “Comfort”

• Sarah recounts meeting David on a dating site, and how his unique, boastful (“two truths and a lie” that were all true) but enigmatic profile stood out.
  • “He was so nice and so not the prick that I thought he was on his profile. Very humble and really smart and gentleman.” (03:01 — Sarah)
• She describes the initial appeal as “comfort” and “deep sense of comfort” rather than a romantic spark:
  • “I didn’t marry him because I felt that chemical connection. I married him because I wanted him to be my life partner.” (06:25 — Sarah)

2. Marriage as Ritual and Work

• Sarah shares a perspective she heard from a cousin:
  • “A lot of marriage is like a religion. You just have to wake up every morning and kind of say that you believe in it. And a lot of it is just actual work versus this feeling that you have.” (07:25 — Sarah)
• She boils down the gamble of marriage:
  • “What are you gambling? Who you both become as people. What the other person makes you.” (07:57 — Sarah)

3. David’s Inner World: Nihilism and Isolation

• Through passages of David’s journals, the episode explores a man of exceptional intellect but profound existential despair.
  • “I am a fundamental nihilist... I have found no support for religious beliefs of any kind, neither morality nor purpose in the universe. With these conclusions before me, I’m left to ask, why live?” (09:00 — David, journal excerpt)
• David perceives love — as described in Plato’s Symposium — as his only possible anchor:
  • “The force that rules my life is love... my idea of family is that it should be a well of life, truth and love, and one that would anchor my love and give it purpose.” (11:01 — David, journal excerpt)
• Sarah describes David’s intense work ethic and singular focus on career advancement, to the point of emotional neglect:
  • “It became more difficult for him not to work as intensely as he had been. And then it also became important for him to also try for the next level, which was the last level in his company.” (11:41 — Sarah)

4. Signs of Emotional Disconnection and Acting “Normal”

• David reflects on his inability to authentically act relaxed or friendly, only amplifying traits he already possesses.
  • “I generally am the smartest person in the room, objectively speaking. But I was drawing a real sentiment. That is why I can’t act like an easygoing, gregarious person. I’ve got just about none of that inside me from which I can draw.” (13:50 — David, journal)
• Sarah is not surprised by this, though interviewers are shocked by his self-awareness and calculated social performance.

5. The Breaking Point: Therapy, Revelation, and Violence

• The couple attends marriage therapy, during which David discloses a large payment to his ex-wife, straining Sarah’s already tenuous sense of security.
  • “David casually mentioned that he had given his ex wife $50,000 to help make her go away...” (17:54 — Sarah)
• That night, after Sarah retreats to their room, an attempted murder occurs:
  • “He put a bag over my head... At a certain point... I kept punching from behind into his groin... He was on the ground, completely out of breath. I took off the bag and was standing up over him.” (20:08 — Sarah)
• David’s behavior immediately after is described as “detached,” searching for a trigger lock key before taking their van and later dying by suicide.
  • “They found his body a couple hours later.” (23:54 — Sarah)

6. Aftermath: Grief, Guilt, and Searching for Normalcy

• The investigation reveals David had researched suicide and methods for making murder appear as such.
  • “We found a bag of tubing, a canister of ether and some gas masks... hundreds and hundreds of searches for how to make asphyxiation look like suicide.” (24:10 — Sarah)
• Sarah describes the complexity of her grief, especially as David’s family blames or doubts her account.
  • “The hardest is being judged by David’s family and David’s ex wife as being culpable in this. And I’m not... I didn’t make him do what he did.” (26:11 — Sarah)
• Despite the trauma, she maintains some compassion for David:
  • “I think he loved me. And that might be why when I talk about the way it all ended, I am more compassionate than I think most people would be.” (29:32 — Sarah)

7. Moving Forward: The Possibility of Happiness

• Sarah shares how she has started a new relationship with a supportive, “nice” man, describing both her wariness and hope for “something great again”:
  • “He’s just been there and it really forced me to accept the possibility of something great again.” (31:53 — Sarah)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On marriage as ritual:
  • “A lot of marriage is like a religion. You just have to wake up every morning and kind of say that you believe in it.” (07:25 — Sarah)
• On existential despair:
  • “I have found no support for religious beliefs of any kind, neither morality nor purpose in the universe. With these conclusions before me, I’m left to ask, why live?” (09:00 — David, journal)
• On rationalizing violence:
  • “He thought about it and input and output. Cost benefit. All of us would somehow be better with me gone. And the second best was if he were gone.” (28:47 — Sarah)
• On being judged:
  • “The hardest is being judged by David’s family and David’s ex wife as being culpable in this. And I’m not... I didn’t make him do what he did.” (26:11 — Sarah)
• On her new partner:
  • “He’s just this nice person and he’s funny and loyal and patient... it really forced me to accept the possibility of something great again.” (31:53 — Sarah)

Important Timestamps

• 01:02–06:25 – Sarah discusses meeting David, dating, early impressions, and settling for comfort over chemistry.
• 07:04–09:00 – David’s journal entries reveal his loneliness, nihilism, and search for meaning.
• 11:41–14:48 – Insights into David’s work-driven nature and social struggles.
• 17:54–21:56 – The pivotal therapy session and the night of the attack.
• 22:13–24:06 – 911 call, David leaving, and his subsequent suicide.
• 24:10–26:11 – Aftermath: evidence found, family dispute, Sarah’s emotional state.
• 29:32–32:56 – Sarah’s conflicted compassion and new hopeful relationship.

Tone and Language

The episode is unflinching, honest, and introspective, capturing both the cerebral and emotionally raw reflections of Sarah as she processes trauma and attempts to find meaning — or at least function — in its aftermath. David's own words reveal a chilling, intellectualized detachment, making Sarah's measured empathy and resilience all the more poignant.

Summary

“Marriage is a Religion” moves from an account of love as solace to the devastation of intimate violence, haunted by the philosophical void beneath David’s outwardly successful life. It is about the rituals we use to anchor ourselves, the risks we take in trusting others, and the impossibility of truly knowing those closest to us. The episode ends on the fragile note of renewal, as Sarah, changed by trauma, tentatively builds something new from the wreckage.