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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
How to Use Active Listening to Deepen Your Relationships
00:21:43
Do you ever feel like people tune out when you're trying to help? You’re listening, offering advice, maybe even sharing your own story…but somehow, they shut down? - In this episode, I break down the powerful communication skill of active listening.
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Oh, warriors. I am so excited that you clicked play on this episode about active listening. This is something that I am actively practicing and learning because I have noticed how not having this skill in my life is impacting me. So this is one of those episodes where it's like, come with me and let's practice together. And hello. If you're new to the Love youe Life Show, I'm Susie Pettit, a certified life relationship and parenting coach. I've been doing this work and studying human development and human relationships for. For over two decades, probably closer to four decades. I run the Love youe Life School where I teach these life skills. And each month we have a new class on things that we should have been taught in. In elementary or middle or high school, but we weren't. And actually, like, let's. Let's not shame the educational system more to the point, let's call out our mindset how as a society, we sort of get to this point, like, usually when we're around 20, when we're sort of like, okay, we're cooked, and we stop our formal education of learning about things like this, you know, how to have a difficult conversation, how to actively listen, how to stay emotionally regulated, how to all these things. And I'm like, that makes no sense, right? Like, we have 80 more years to live. How could we possibly have all the skills and know all the things we're supposed to know? So that's why I created the Love youe Life School, and that's what we do in there. And this show, the Love youe Life show podcast, is all about bringing you the beginning steps or the actionable steps and tips that you can listen into and try practicing in, in your life. And then bring it to the Love youe Life School or bring it to a private coaching session with me so we can go deeper and make this stuff happen faster. So I'm super excited, especially when I get to bring you things like today's episode on Active Listening. And because I was noticing some things personally, which I'll talk about in this episode. And I also notice, you know, so many of you all will report to me that you long for more connection. You want to feel more emotionally close with someone or for someone to share their emotions with you is something I hear a lot. We want more of this, what I term emotional intimacy, to be seen and feel understood and understand, have the person open up. We want to feel close to our kids or to our partners or to our friends, you know, and all of that depending on the stage of your life, too. I don't know. But for me, I am done with shallow. I want depth, okay? I'm just like, let's go deep. And yet, as a coach, I notice there's this big disconnect going on where we women are feeling like we're saying we want to be more connected, and yet the way we're going about it is not creating that, and we sort of end up in this confused state. That's what my job is, guys, to see a problem. And some way we humans are behaving and not getting the results. We want to figure out a solution that I can bring to you and help make your life easier. So that's this episode on Active Listening, which will help you so much. I'm so excited for you to learn these four steps. And yet, before starting, I wanted to come on in this intro to you, just you and me, ear to ear, my dear wonderful listener. And to encourage you to listen to this episode, thinking of only yourself, thinking of, how can I get better at this skill versus how can I listen to this and then nag to death my spouse or partner or kid or friend or parent? So they're better active listeners. Okay? How can I teach my kid this skill so they'll learn more actively? All right. All of that is valid, and I hear you, and of course you feel that way. And yet, for now, dear one, we're going to push pause. Pause. We're going to let them continue listening in whichever way they're listening. Let them, as we lean into us, practicing this ourselves. Because I am here to gently remind you with just the most open heart, because I forget this, too, but nagging and unsolicited advice creates distance and the opposite of what we actually want, as I'll explain a little more in the episode. Okay. How what we're doing isn't working. And I guess what I want to say to you here is the wonderful news. If what we really want is our husband or our friend or our kid to start doing something, study after study after study shows us that you doing the thing is what works. Less talking, less lecturing, less nagging, more doing you, modeling is the best way for them to learn it. I promise. If you, my dear one, are practicing the skills and techniques that I talk about in this episode, the other person can't help but bottle along. I've been noticing it in my own life, and it's almost magical. We humans are suggestible people. We have suggestible brains. And so if you start doing some of these things, your partner will start doing some of these things too. And guess what? You get to skip the nagging stage, which feels so much better for everyone, yourself included. So listen in. I can't wait to bring you this episode and I'm so glad you're a listener. And hey, if you are new to the show, you might want to grab the podcast roadmap SMB well.com roadmap all one word and get the foundational episodes for the show. All right, big love to you. Let's listen. Foreign hi, this is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go Warriors. Yahoo. Let's learn this super powerful skill. As I said in the intro, this is one of the most powerful tools you can have in your warrior toolbox. When I learned the things I'm teaching and talking about today, I noticed a marked shift in my relationships and in how I felt in my relationships. So awesome. And since this is the Love youe Life show, not the get through your life by barely hanging on show, I can't wait for you to learn and practice too. And I guess that's where I want to start with a gentle reminder to all of us high achievers out here. Me being possibly I just set such high standards for myself. That's what the definition of perfectionism is. Do you know that setting standards higher than the situation requires? And I'm like, oh yeah, okay, so. So for all of us that might have be like me and we do set these high standards for ourselves. I just want to remind you and me that with any new skill like this one, active listening, it will feel awkward at first when we're learning new things, it feels awkward. In fact, I went to a dancing class or event, I don't know what you would call it the other weekend, but had the way they were moving was completely new and foreign to me and oh my goodness, did it feel awkward yet totally normal, right? I mean, how could I expect to feel at ease and comfortable with doing something I've never tried or done or really looked at much before? Okay, same is here with the active listening. And while I know you've been listening your whole life, just like I've been moving my whole life, I invite you to turn on and tune into your growth mindset here. Reminder that a growth mindset is accepting that we're not going to be perfect out of the bat. We're going to lower our standards because you probably haven't been listening in this way. And the better you get at this, the closer and more connected you'll feel in the relationships that matter to you. You. Okay? So we're laying. We're putting our perfectionist hat down. We're laying down some of our standards. We're coming in with this growth mindset because whether you're a parent, a partner, a friend, or a leader at work, getting better at active listening will shift the depth and quality of your connections. And I just think that right now in the world, we need deeper and more fulfilling connections. Okay. And I know, you know, frankly, for me and many of my clients, like, we can be doing all the things, okay, we've listened to, the podcast, we've done, you know, et cetera. And yet I can still feel sort of confused. Like, wait, why did they just shut down? I was just trying to help. Like, maybe my son. I have. I have sons and a husband, so not the daughter, but I like my kids anyhow. I don't even know why this matters that I'm saying this, but. So maybe my son or husband is talking about something and I just noticed they, like, they'll be talking and sharing and then I do or say something and their eyes glaze over and I've lost them. Okay, this is where active listening comes in. And all the things I'm going to teach you in this episode will be so helpful for you. It's not hard, it's quite simple. It's just that, like most of my life, if. If in most of our lives, if you didn't listen to a podcast specifically on active listening or actively search out the skill, we're probably listening in ways that were modeled for us. And so we developed some habits that look like listening but aren't actually helping us connect. We might nod, say, huh? We jump in with a quick, you'll be great. When someone says they're nervous or we offer advice, okay. We relate to their story with a story of our own. And while none of this is bad, it's not what the person we're talking to really needs. Here's the truth. Real listening requires emotional maturity. It requires us to slow down our thinking a bit. So some mindfulness and the tips that I teach you, I'm not being so reactive. A little bit of discipline, which is why I love this four step framework I'm going to talk to you about. Because it's like when we're feeling maybe like our kid or our husband or our co worker or whatever is coming to us with a conversation, we are going to feel a little emotional about it. And we need to regulate our own emotions so that we can sort of rise up and be our best selves with them. And for us, active listening requires us to set aside or at least turn down our own thoughts, our own judgments, and most importantly for me, and I'm wondering for you, our agendas, you know, like how we're listening, and then we're waiting for that opportunity to teach a lesson or lead them in a certain way. We're like, oh, okay, I see why they're having this problem. Yeah, I get it. And this is why we need the skills that we learned, you know, through this podcast, through the Love youe Life school, through coaching with me on the, you know, emotional reactivity, emotional maturity. All this because when we're feeling anxious or uncomfortable with their experience or emotional state, we want to fix it. Eh? We want to make it better. We want to make sure our people are okay. Right? But in doing that, we often miss what they're really trying to share with us and what's really needed. The more emotionally adult way to show up in a relationship. Active listening is the fix to this. It allows us to connect without trying to fix them, allows us to listen without jumping in or to jump in in a way that is appropriate and continues with the connection. And it builds trust. Our relationships that help deepen our relationships instead of fracture them. They help. I know many of us might be parents of teens or younger adults. What do we want? We want to have connected relationships. We don't want to have these vacant relationships. Okay. It's awesome. If your kids are still in the house listening in this way, active listening helps them develop confidence and resiliency. It's like a win, win, win, win all around. So let's dive in. Suzy, what are the four key steps to active listening? This literally is a skill that we're being taught. So the first one is, know what kind of conversation you're having before we say a word. As that person starts talking, we need to pause and ask ourselves, what is the purpose of this conversation? What does this person think is the purpose of the conversation? Are they trying to vent? Are they seeking validation? Are they problem solving? Are they looking to connect? This comes from a framework I spoke about in episode 306. And I got it from author Charles Duhigg in his book Super Communicators in that there are three main types of conversations. There are emotional, practical, or social conversations. And it is so important to know which conversation the Person who's talking thinks they're having. All right, I'll put a link to that episode below in the show notes because you want to re listen to that. Because I dive deeper into that. That really is like. That has helped me so much. And then the rest of what I'm talking about today will build on that skill. And if you just do this one thing, if you pause to ask yourself, which conversation does this person think they're having or need to have right now? Is this an emotional conversation, practical conversation, or a social conversation? If we slow down and do that, we would solve so many problems. For example, if your kid says, I'm nervous about my upcoming presentation, and we jump to, you'll do great, because we think we're having a social conversation. Okay. No, they're nervous. And us saying, you'll do great misses a time for a connection. It's an emotional one. We could try this instead. Ooh, makes sense that you're nervous. Tell me more. Or oh, okay. What are you feeling nervous about? So the first step is know which kind of conversation they think they're having. And then this leads directly into the second step. I sort of skipped ahead over there with some examples for you. And the second step of active listening, which is to ask a deep question. Okay. Once you know the kind of conversation they're in, ask a question that keeps the focus on the speaker. Remember, this isn't your agenda. Faith over fear. Deep questions are open ended, thoughtful and curious, not judgmental or solution oriented. We're not trying to lead the witness. We're not trying to be a coach in an emotional conversation. This is a question that we're asking that signals I'm here, I care. Okay, so maybe it sounds like, what's that like for you? Or tell me more, or why do you think you're feeling that way? Or how long have you been noticing that? Okay. And you, my dear listener, if your brain jumps to a solution, notice that. Thank it. And then come back to curiosity. Okay, so we're just. We're noticing what kind of conversation we're in. We're asking a deep question. And then step three is we loop. For understanding this step is crucial, especially if you're someone who's been told that you interrupt or if your kids or co workers shut down when they talk to you, they sort of just stop talking or stop. Or you just notice they're not sharing as many things with you anymore. Okay. Looping means you reflect back what you heard. It doesn't necessarily mean repeating their words, verbatim But I'll tell you, it can. Like, when you're super awkward at this, that's better than not doing this. I've done that, and it still works. So we're basically trying to summarize in our own words what we think they said. Okay, so we might say something like, so what I'm hearing is you feel unprepared for the presentation and you're worried you'll mess it up. Or we say, I think I hear you saying you're totally pissed at your boss for scheduling you over the holiday weekend, even when you ask for the days off. Or so you felt left out when you saw that picture of them together on Instagram without you. And then we just close our mouths. We're listening. We're not offerings, we're not fixing. This gives the other person a chance to clarify or expand. It shows them through your actions that you're actually listening. All right, and then step four is you can follow up with, like, did I get that right? This is the humility step, the connection step. Okay, you said so it sounds like you were feeling left out when you saw them all on Instagram without you. Is that right? It sounds like you're pissed at your boss because he didn't listen to you when you asked for your days off. Am I missing anything? Or. It sounds like you're really scared that your sister's having this emotional thing and you don't really want to talk to her right now. Is that right? This stepping, I just need to say I'm practicing this with you. It does feel awkward. And if you're like most listeners here and me, we've been listening in a less skilled way for many, many, many years. And so to learn a new way of doing things literally feels like an uncomfortable dance step. And do it anyways. Remember how I told you what buffaloes do? I can link that episode, too. Be the buffalo. Run towards the storm. Lean into that discomfort. Since you're still listening at this point of the show, I know something about you, that you're the type of person who longs for connection, who wants to be more skilled in her relationships, who loves learning new things that increase her emotional maturity. Well, this is the action step for this week. Open your mouth and try it. Be the warrior. Because even though it feels awkward, it works. Even when you're learning, even when it's messy, it's almost magical. It's so cool. I've been trying it, and I've been, like, an awkward mess, but they stay connected. They feel heard I'm trying to do this at least once a day. And like, any time I can do it, like, even if it's like the supermarket clerk, so I get better at doing it because the awkwardness will go away. It's about messy action, not perfection. You're learning a new skill. Listening like this is not what most of us were taught. We were taught to listen, to respond, respond, to impress, to advise or to make it better. But real listening, my dear, is the kind that heals relationships and deepens love, asks us to listen without those things, without judgment, without distraction and without an agenda. Especially. Especially if you're a parent or a senior leader. When we hold power in this way, whether it's in our family or at work, and most of us do have, like, look around, there are areas where you do influence. The people around us may filter what they say. Sensitive kids especially will twist the truth or withhold it if they feel they're afraid of our reaction. They learn, don't be honest. It's not safe. And that's the opposite of what we want. Right? Okay. Or they learn like, mom just gives me advice or mom jumps in like, or like, oh, when I share this with mom, mom gets too nervous, so I can't tell mom because she'll get nervous. We want closeness, connection, honesty. And that starts with us doing the work to become better listeners. We're in it. I'm in it with you. So let's take a moment to reflect. How do you usually listen? What are your normal sort of go to habits? What's your instinct when someone shares something vulnerable with you? Are you listening to fix? Are you listening to connect? And let's get started practicing these four steps. Join me in being awkward. What do you have to lose besides disconnection? Frustration, confusion as to why aren't they like, like, thanks so much for your advice, Mom. Emotional distance, all those things I'm ready to lose. Okay, and if you don't have a formal way to continue to learn and grow and support your mental health, why not hop in the Love youe Life school? This is what we do every single day inside the school. We take these kinds of concepts and turn them into real life habits. We practice. We support each other, we get better together. Okay? If this episode hit home for you, come join us. Don't wait. You don't have to do it alone. And the quicker you figure this out, the more connected your relationships will be. That's@theloveyourlifeschool.com let's do this, warriors. I'm so excited I'll be practicing with you. Let's all go be awkward, active listeners together. I love you, Dear one. I'm so just honored that you listen to podcasts like this and you're doing this work in this world. Thank you for being you. If you can think of one person to share this episode with, I would be deeply grateful. And if you could check to make sure you're following the show on Apple or Spotify, that apparently is the most important thing. It's like a little plus mark at the top of Apple. And on Spotify, I think you just click follow. Big love to you. Go get them this week.