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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
The Eldest Daughter Pattern and How to Break It
00:47:43
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- [00:01]
A
Oh, warriors, I have a great conversation for you today. I have Adaku on the podcast and she is. We just had the greatest time connecting. We are both firstborn daughters and she specializes in eldest and firstborn children. And also this conversation is for you no matter where you fall in the birth order because we talk about so many things that are going to resonate for you. Being an over functioner, feeling like we're all alone, feeling, feeling like, oh my gosh, it's so good. It was such a great conversation and you are going to love her vibe and her energy. She's not just a coach. Her bio says, she says she's a movement, which I would agree with. A Nigerian born Tulum based transformational guide, Adaku has built a seven figure recruitment business, battled depression, survived a suicide attempt and emerged on the other side through deep end inner healing. As the eldest daughter of seven children, she spent much of her life over functioning, over delivering and feeling unseen until she broke the cycle. So she is on the show today to talk to us about the cycle, how she broke the cycle, how to reprogram old patterns, how to reclaim our power, how just all of it. And it was such a wonderful, comforting conversation. Sometimes I have these conversations and they just feel like warm hugs and even though we're on different sides of the world, this, this one felt like it. It really, you're going to love it. So let me just stop talking and I will bring her on the show. Let's go.
- [01:38]
B
Hi. This is the Love youe Life show
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A
with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach.
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B
Join Susie as she helps you with
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A
your wellness and mindset so you can
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B
live a life you love. Let's go warriors.
- [01:52]
A
Hello and welcome to the Love youe Life Show. Adaku, I'm so excited to have you here today.
- [01:59]
B
Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.
- [02:01]
A
Oh, I'm really looking forward to our conversation for so many reasons. I just love the podcast platform that it lets us connect with people. You're in Mexico, I'm in Australia. We get to sort of have these conversations like we're sitting next to each other and it just feels so good to me as a woman instead of sitting alone in my office. So thank you. Thank you for that. I also, I am an eldest daughter and I have just luxuriated in your work and loving that we get to bring this to podcast listeners today. So whether they are the eldest in their family or wherever they are, many of my listeners were taught that in order to be loved, that they Needed to be a certain way, almost like we're playing a role in a movie. Like, you know, be this type of person and you'll fit into your family. And, you know, be this type of person. You'll fit into our family in this way. So for our listener, who's not yet familiar with your brilliance, can you share a bit of the background of how you got to be doing what you're doing and helping all of us out here?
- [03:14]
B
No worries. Kind of by accident. So I'm a firstborn myself, so I don't only work with eldest daughters. I work with firstborn. So that could be the only child in a family, or it could be the youngest girl of boys. It seems to be copy and paste in terms of the attributes and traits we take on. But in terms of how I got to working with firstborns, I was in a completely different career path. I graduated, went into recruitment, and then after recruitment, I worked for a large corporate boutique. I was a partner of a startup. And then I set my. Started my own business. I kind of tumbled my way into my own business. And I got a little bit disillusioned after four years and realized that my whole life was really focused on ticking all the boxes and providing for my family, which is a typical. Typical kind of eldest, firstborn type thing. And once my siblings started graduating from university and getting their own jobs, the pressure to provide financially died. And my why died? And I. That's when I kind of realized I don't like what I'm doing. I don't know who I am. I need to figure this all out. And that was about nine years ago when I turned 30 and I went to India for a month, kind of eat Prairie love, like, what's going on with my life? Got a life crisis. And then that's when I kind of realized that, wow, okay, I need to figure out who I am, what I like. And came down close, came back, closed my business. Everyone thought I'd lost my mind because it was successful. And I walked away from it. And I started traveling, and during the pandemic, ended up in Mexico. People were saying to me, you should coach. You should coach. And I was like, everyone's becoming a coach. I do not want to get into this market where it's almost getting the reputation of used car salesman. The barrier of entry is low, and it just doesn't have a great reputation. But I did a talk at an event for entrepreneurs and executives, and I was sharing my story about how I fell into depression, was suicidal, and then grew my business. And a lot of the questions were like, how are you able to get out of depression? How were you able to still function at that state? And I thought, okay, maybe all of this experience wasn't in vain. And that's when I became open to working with people, and I was working with everyone to begin with. And then I realized that women were thriving in my work. So then I focused on women. Then I realized entrepreneurs and executives were focused on my work. So I niched into that. And then last year, two of my clients asked for coaching on their dynamic with their firstborn daughters. And it was after the second one, I was, I was like, hold on. There's a pattern here. Because a lot of the things that they're talking about were the things that they had to work through themselves with their parents. And they even despite their concerted effort to not recreate some of these dynamics, they were unconsciously recreating them. And that's when I took a step back and said, okay, well, I'm a firstborn. They're first firstborns. All of my clients are actually firstborns. And I didn't even realize it. And now they're recreating this pattern with their daughters. So what is this that keeps happening generation after generation? And that's kind of where everything kind of started. I did a Google search and saw the researchers were releasing studies on elder daughter syndrome. And I was like, okay, this might be timely. And clearly everyone's starting to realize there's something here. And a lot of first ones feel like they're on their own in terms of their experience. So, yeah, I decided, okay, well, I'm going to create a community of these women that are going to get together to heal some of these patterns that stop them in their lives.
- [07:08]
A
Oh, I love it. And I, I, I. Until I started listening to you, I never discerned between the difference of firstborn and eldest. I am both, like, I am the firstborn and I am the eldest. But also, like, when I started to look at it through this lens and look at my own clients and who were the eldest daughters, maybe not the firstborn in their family, I really started to see a lot of this. So can you explain what you mean by so the firstborn daughter syndrome, or what are some of the common traits and struggles you see in these eldest?
- [07:43]
B
Yeah, so it's a lot. One of the key traits is this kind of ability, which is a strength to show up up for a lot of people. But the point where it becomes a limitation is where they do it in spite of themselves. So they're giving from an empty tank and they don't fulfill their needs. And the cost is either their well being, their finances, that there's always some form of cost from showing up for people. So they struggle to set firm boundaries. And even though a part of them likes giving, they end up building resentment really quickly because they kind of expect others to know when to stop. So because they've also been kind of programmed to perform in. So what I. My theory is that when parents give birth to their first girl, it's like this experimentation, like we need to figure out how to raise this human. And that experimentation creates this expectation of like, okay, are we being good parents? And if we were, what would that look like? And that indirectly puts pressure on the child. So then they. One of the traits that they struggle with is this need to be perfect. So everything is kind of scrutinized by themselves. They scrutinize themselves. They're probably their own worst enemy. Everything has to be. Every line has to be dotted, every T crossed before they put themselves out. They have this wall of perfection in terms of the Persona that they put out. And people don't really see their vulnerability. So they're usually the strong one. They. But really they're struggling a lot inside. They're highly sensitive. They don't seem like they're sensitive. So all of these, the fundamental kind of thing underneath all of that is that they feel like they need to earn love. So they struggle to receive if anyone tries to do anything for them. The automatic thing is like, how can I pay you back? Or they don't ask for help. So they're not really great at building ecosystems of support, whether it's in their personal life or in their work life. So they constantly teether in on the edge of burnout and overwhelm. The list can go on. So there's multiple, multiple patterns that kind of show up and it's. It's copy and paste, regardless of the first one that you speak to.
- [10:03]
A
Oh my goodness. And I'm raising my hand to all of those. It's really interesting that feeling the need to perform, you know, the need to be. To take care of things. I know you're the eldest of seven, but that, that need to, you know, I know in my house, like, if I was performing and I was getting the good grades and I was doing well in school, it gave almost my dad something to brag about to his friends. So then his attention on my sisters and any sort of verbal abuse of them was Limited. So I learned very early that if I, you know, I'm sort of the shining star, it was protective in my family. And this. Oh, you said so much there. This feeling of like almost just being a shell, like, okay, I need to be this model of this person who's doing these things. But then that inner sensitivity to feel like people don't know you, you're just, you know, you're playing a role, you're unseen. I'm imagining many of my listeners are just nodding right along. What are differences? Because I'm a mom of three sons, interestingly, and I do see, you know, birth order there with my eldest. So of what you were saying, like we have this kid and it's like there were lots of expectations on him that, you know, as a parent. Then as I got more into parenting, you know, I learned and I adjusted my parenting. I always say, like the first kid grows the parents up a bit. But what are some of the differences you see between the genders? Like if you're a first, like what makes a firstborn or an eldest daughter specific or have her own struggle. So someone who maybe isn't the eldest in the family. I'm sorry, I'm like messing up the terms. But she isn't the first born child, but she's the firstborn daughter. What do you see there?
- [11:55]
B
The difference in the genders or the
- [11:57]
A
difference maybe what expectations would be put on her because she's a girl. Are there anything.
- [12:02]
B
I do think that there's still like a caretaking role that is put on the firstborn, even if they're the youngest of boys. Say, because. Because a lot of what I see in the dynamics with parents that when I speak to firstborn is this feeling responsible for emotions or feeling responsible for things being done and problem solving. So there's still this reliance on the girl to play this nurturing role upwards, regardless of where, whether she has older brothers and the brothers don't necessarily. So I feel like it's unfair for me to comment on the male side of things because I don't work with males, so I don't know the intricacies. But that's what I've seen in the women. And I always, I'm kind of probing into this a little bit with my clients that have children. And what I'm starting to see is that it's almost like they expect the firstborn girl to fulfill, feel the parts of them that they didn't feel that they received from their parents. So it's almost like you're going to love me in the way that I wish I was loved. So then there becomes this kind of emotional expectation. It's either you're going to become all of the things that I wish I could be, which is going to make me look good, or you're going to be able to kind of hold my emotions and be the person that kind of comforts me because I didn't have that growing up. So there's this kind of. I make. I'm going to make up this deficit in me through you as little girl.
- [13:38]
A
Oh, that's really interesting. Yeah, that, like getting something emotionally from them that it's not sort of in those roles appropriate for a child to give to the parent, sort of with a measurement. Also, just as you. As you were talking, my brain was thinking of, you know, when I work with women who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s, and the, the pressure they feel often to take care of their parents that they don't feel that their brothers have that, you know, so they're aging parents and that sort of, you know, just almost patriarchal that a woman's job here is to serve. And so that, you know, is. These things can fall in families of, you know, three or four siblings. It falls on the. Well, you're the daughter or you're the one who should be taking care of this. That aspect of it. Yeah. And then that would play in, I guess, to what you're saying, this sense of, like, it's all on me or
- [14:37]
B
it's all up to me, like, I don't have. Even though it's never explicitly said, hey, you're the firstborn, so therefore you need to do xyz. There's an. It's implied and the pressure is felt and it's like, well, I know they're not going to do it. And I seem to always be the one that comes to. And it may be our natural way of being in terms of being nurturers, but the, the expectation for that nurture with the first one seems to be higher than the. The girls that come after.
- [15:12]
A
Yeah, that's interesting. So how do you help people with this? Like, how do they, you know, if they're having this sense of, like, it's all up to me, and they're. They're sort of in the survival mode. How do you help them start to notice these things and feel a little lighter around them?
- [15:31]
B
Yeah, so the first thing I do is help them turn the attention inwards. So the light bulb moment for me on my journey was when I fell into Depression. And I started working with a coach, and he asked me, who told you you had to do all of this? And I had all of the exact excuses and blaming, like, you don't know my family. They will take, take, take until there's nothing left. And I just kept going on and on, and he kept repeating the question. And I realized, oh, wow. No one explicitly told me I had to do all of this. So I've kind of created this situation and this dynamic. And if I created it, then I can do something else and create another way of being. Which is. Sounds simple, easier said than done. But when I start pulling back my yeses and start saying no and setting Bo there was the relationships. And I had to deal with the guilt and the shame. And the thing that was surprising to me is how much I needed to be needed. Because it was by doing all of those things, I felt significant. I felt loved. So I work with firstborn daughters to see how they have a hidden payoff in the roles that they play and kind of challenging themselves to be willing to let go of that payoff and step into something else, which is the scary part. And then looking internally at how are you contributing to all of the dynamics that are playing out, whether it's a dynamic with how you're showing up in your business, whether it's how you're showing up with your health, whether it's how you're showing up in your relationships. If you can see where you're responsible, then you can see exactly what you need to do to shift the patterns that you're creating and step into a new way of being.
- [17:15]
A
Yeah, that. So tell me more about this needing to be needed. That. Because I. What I heard you say in the beginning is that many of the ways these patterns show up as women is we will feel resentful, we'll feel burnt out. We're sort of teetering on the edge of burnout and exhaustion. And I know for myself, when I was, you know, younger, I was sort of in a martyr energy, like, well, I gotta do this. And it was like I was, you know, had to. It was like in a competition for who was suffering more. And I could get that among my other mom friends. But then what you're speaking to there is that sort of backside of that, of that needing to be needed. Could you speak a little more about that?
- [17:59]
B
Yeah, sure. That's an uncomfortable one to kind of accept. But if you've grown up all of your life playing that role. And then like you said, when I performed, my dad eased Off. So that's a payoff, you know. So your mind then says, oh well, in order for us to be safe then we've got to do this. And then also it becomes a habit and it comes a little bit of an addiction. So you're constantly teetering on the edge of burnout, but then you have results that you're producing from it. Maybe you're graduating, maybe you're achieving success, maybe you're, you've got the partner and the family, all of the things. So then to say, well what else am I going to do? If I stop doing that, then I lose everything. Because is what your brain creates because you don't know what's on the other side of it. So then it becomes this addiction to well, I have all of these things. People rely on me, I feel useful, I'm acknowledged and validated. People tell me how inspirational I am, how impressive I am and like, wow, I can't believe you can hold all of those things. These start to become badges of honor. So then moving away from it is kind of moving away from a whole identity that you spent years creating. And that can be really scary because it's like, well, who am I on the other side of it? And so I get to keep these things that I've created on the other side of it. The good parts of it, like I know that it has its cost in terms of my well being and being burnt out, but all of these payoffs are also there. So that's what. Yeah. That the, the need to be needed is manifest in the tangible results that you can see as a result of playing that role.
- [19:37]
A
Oh my goodness. Yes. And that, that heaviness of like who am I if I'm not producing or if I'm not the over functioner, if I'm not the one taking care of everyone for everything is a heavy question. And I am just saying like I, I'm glad that you're a coach and like that's something that definitely I have sounds like you have dug into with coaching. And I have too of just coming to, you know. Yes, if we can go to India that would be wonderful also. But it's that sort of existential like oh my gosh, who am I if I'm not doing all these things for everyone else? Like if we, if we take ourselves out of that movie and we take off, you know, the mothering mask or the high performer mask or the, you know, over functioning mask and the one who throws all the holiday parties and always remembers all the birthdays and Always organizes the like is always that like over functioning person. Who am I? That is something I always treat very like. If you know people who are listening, I'm like holding my hands towards my heart, like very softly and gently because it is that inner voyage to realize like you're enough just as you are. That back to that unconditional parental love that many of us didn't get, you know, of this just, you don't need, you know, hey, eldest daughter or you know, whoever you are, like, you don't actually need to do all these things to earn love. Maybe we did in our family systems, but moving forward, let's, let's sort of break out of that model, right?
- [21:16]
B
Oh well, yeah, we don't need to earn love full stop. It's like you are loved and when you stop doing those things. And I think also maybe the reason it's so scary because our brain catastrophizes. So it's like I have to just stop everything. Because there is a part of giving that is really rewarding and feels really good. But it's knowing how to get sensitive to yourself, to know when you don't have the resources, time or capacity to give and saying no in honor of yourself. And that's how you start loving yourself into wholeness. So it's not that you stop giving, it's that you check in with yourself, which is not really a skill that a lot of firstborn daughters have. And you learn how to say no when you don't have and yes when you do. And then people, people start to actually believe that your yes is a real yes because you're training them that like, I want to, but I just can't. I don't have what it like, you know. So yeah, it's learning how to tune in the attention inwards to see like what is my brain, my emotions, my body saying right now. And if I was honoring me in the way that I didn't feel honored growing up, it's almost like you're re parenting your little girl into wholeness. Being in love so that you don't need to perform to get it from the outside.
- [22:33]
A
Yes. Yeah, I love that. I often say resentment is an emotion that sort of signals to us that we have a need that's not being met. And with myself and what I notice, you know, with clients and people, it's, it's. I can sometimes be in this childish place where as a child it was our parents job to figure out what our needs were and to try to meet them. Like our brain Wasn't big enough. And it wasn't for us to be like, I think my diaper is full, or I think we're just going to cry. But it's that sort of expectation that maybe if I'm emotional, someone will figure out, read my mind, figure out what my needs are and meet them. And then we move into adulthood and we aren't, you know, we don't have the skill of stopping and looking and considering ourselves. And we can still get into this resentment. Or at least I could. This resentful, like, oh my gosh, why, you know, why isn't anyone doing this? And it's like, because that's not their freaking job, Susie. Now it's my job to stop. And as you're saying, consider self, like, look inwards. What do we want? What? And you know, you said a couple things there that I just wanted to highlight for the listeners that you pulled back on your yeses. You got better at saying no, you know, and it's, it's a little more of that instead of considering everyone else that other consideration to at least bring yourself and your needs to the table and that, that inner consideration can be the place to start. And then I guess for the listener that's like, I don't freaking know what I want. I, I understand. And that's where we start. And I remember, I just. And I still to this day, I like play with things. I'm like, well, you know, I'm feeling disconnected from my husband. Okay, well, would a walk help? And so I say, hey, can we take a walk? You know, And I take a walk and I'm like, no, that's not doing it. Okay, what do I need? I need to tell them about my day. Okay, well, that help, you know, but it's like learning about ourselves because really we spent so much of our life considering and learning about others. Like, I knew what would make my sons feel closer to me. I knew what would make you. It's like, but what. What do I know about myself? Yeah, that's really.
- [24:44]
B
Yeah. And it's. And I think it. A lot of first one daughters struggle with that because it seems they'll probably beat themselves up for not knowing that because it seems like such an obvious thing. Like, I. When people would ask me what was my hobbies, I'd be like, that's a strange question. And I'd be like, why do you think that? That's a strange question. You're strange. You know, and then I'd go into that self judgment because we've got to be perfect. And I didn't have the answer for that question. So yeah, the whole set, it took me four years of traveling and doing things and like trying to figure out like, did I like that? Did I not like that? But I gave myself the grace because the alternative was depression and a failed suicide attempt. And I didn't want to go back there, you know, so sometimes it takes a lot of pain for just humans to decide, okay, enough of this pattern, enough of the way that this is going. I'm ready for a new kind of reality because clearly this one's not working.
- [25:44]
A
So yeah, and it is that. It's the pain or just the discomfort of, of, of sort of sitting in that in between place. Like, you know, I know there, we as coaches know there are many words for it, but it's, it's like, you know, we're here and we want to be here where we know about ourselves, we know what we want, we know what we like, we know what fills us up. And then we're like in that in between place where it, there's nothing has gone wrong. We're just learning about ourselves. I'm still learning about myself. I'm 54. I'm still like throw things. It's like noodles against the wall. Do I like this? Do I not like that? But it's a different. I'm not shaming myself in a way that I used to with that older eldest daughter mentality of like, you should know this. What's wrong with you that you get from being that kid who, where it's put on your shoulders to figure things out, to really get down and take care of things. Very much so. And I guess I just want to speak a bit to the reality of this is that like, you know, if listeners are listening in and they're like, yeah, I am feeling resentful, I am feeling burnt out, I am feeling exhausted. Okay, I want to start to think more pause before I say yes. Get a little better about direct communication and saying no and setting up boundaries. The relationships we've been in, where we've been these over functioners, where we've been the ones always taking care of little brother, reminding him of stuff and possibly parenting our partner. And you know, that's, that's where they, they, there will be change, there will be, you know, they're used to a certain dance and there will be pushback. How, what, what can you say to that person who's maybe a little afraid of that and is like, oh, shouldn't I just keep doing what I'm doing because that's easier. And I'm. It's like the little girls afraid of the change.
- [27:35]
B
Yeah. So the great thing is that you don't have to change. Right. So I never really kind of force anyone to go on that journey. But what I do is try to get them to reflect on what the way of being is costing them. And if they are willing to choose that for the next five to 10 years, how would that make them feel? And if they're like, no, this can't happen, it's like, okay, then great. So if you know that you're not committed to continuing life like this, then that should be a strong enough motivator to know that if you don't do something to change, it's going to stay the same. But if you are aware of what you're doing and you are aware that you don't want to risk the impact of change. I haven't had an experience. I've worked with so many firstborn daughters, and none of them have had bad experiences from making that change. But if you're not ready to take that action, you can choose your circumstances and say, okay, I can see how I'm contributing to this. I can see the part that I'm playing in it, and I choose it. And in that awareness, that should bring a little bit of relief. And, yeah, you can continue choosing it until you don't choose it. I don't think that there's a right or wrong. There's just. It's either just working or not working for you. And at the point that it stops working for you, then you're able to make a different choice. That's. I really,
- [29:01]
A
you know, I really appreciate you bringing that up and that reframe, because I think that's still like, the little girl, like, you got to do the right thing. And like, once you hear the information, maybe once they listen to this interview, they're like, oh, my God, I have to change. But that feels like such pressure. And instead to offer that permission, it's like, you don't have to do freaking anything because you're not a child anymore. You're an adult. You get to make your choices. You can totally keep overdoing all the appointments for everyone and, and, or not. And that, that freedom there, that. That always brings a lightness to me when I'm reminded, like, you have a choice, like, you don't have to do this anymore, that. I was just thinking of an event. I'm. I signed up to go to something that I want to go to, But I'm more of an introvert. And I was just reminded, like, I got this sort of, like, tenseness in my system that I think is coming from that eldest daughter, a childlike place where I had to remind myself, I'm like, susie, you can change your mind or you can go and you can leave after 10 minutes. You're not that little girl that your parents are dragging you to that thing that you have to stay for the whole time and you have to hug that weird uncle. You're an adult now. You have choices. So I really appreciate you saying that. And then I also. I know a lot of my listeners have found me through unsafe relationships, like narcissist or abusive type places, and that I would 100% echo that. If it is a safe and healthy relationship, there might be a dynamic where it looks a little different. And maybe there are some awkward conversations at first, but then they settle into nice. It settles into a new pattern where both are healthier. When you do begin to set boundaries and say no and own your yeses, versus some relationships do blow up, and those were not the healthy ones. So that's not what we're talking about here. And I'm grateful for that. That when we're in healthy, safe relationships, which is what we're striving for all around, that those do have the breadth to sustain changes and sort of be pushed into that more mature model of relating, which is really helpful. Thank you. Yeah, I am looking here and I'm just looking at my questions and talking about, like, how many of us were really still live life trying to be good enough to do that right thing to, you know, and coming from our childhood and like, you know, we're doing the right thing if we're praised by our parents. And. And many listeners probably know that they should stop seeking this external validation. And yet they might be like, okay, but how? How do I do that? What are some steps to start to break that cycle of looking externally for what's right and wrong and more internally?
- [32:01]
B
So this may sound really kind of fluffy and cliche, but mirror work, you know, it's like learning how to. To give yourself that validation so you don't need it externally. And it's not easy to begin with. It feels super awkward for me. I remember when I started my business. For 18 months, I made no money. And I had been successful in recruitment, but wasn't translating that success into my business. And I asked myself why. And I realized that in my recruitment jobs, I was performing for my bosses. So I had the same parent child dynamic where there was an expectation that I needed to deliver on. And also I was providing for my family. But by the time I set up my business, I had cut my family off for a year and a half to try and heal and figure out who I was. And I was starting this business, so everything I was doing was solely for me. And I didn't. There was a part of me that didn't know how to feel deserving of it. So I realized, like, wow, I don't really like myself, and I don't necessarily, necessarily believe in me. Like, I have achievements that demonstrate my capability, but I didn't really feel like I was good enough or I was successful. So I was like, I need to change that. And I would look in the mirror and say, like, what do you like about yourself? And I would struggle to come up with something. And I was like, okay, well, people give me compliments about my skin, so let me just focus on saying, I. I love my skin. And I was crying, and I'm like, why am I crying so much? Just saying I love my skin. And I did it every single day, twice a day, until I believed it. And then I moved on to another part of my body until I believed it. And two weeks after doing that exercise, I got a recruitment opportunity that was worth €45,000. And things just kind of took off from there. And within four years, I grew the business to a $2.4 million business. So we underestimate how much we can heal ourselves. And it's like really kind of looking ourselves in our eyes, the eyes of the channel to the soul, and really connecting with that little girl and picturing her and telling her all the things that you wish you would have heard from your parents and working on feeling and embodying it. It rewires your brain because your brain doesn't know what's real or what's fake. You know, we can. You can be. Be in a room by yourself and have, like, a memory that makes you laugh. Nothing's actually happened. You're by yourself, it's quiet. But that memory feels real to your mind, and you experience all of the emotions. That same thing can happen with sadness. So by giving yourself those affirmations and feeling what it would feel to have it come from external, then you kind of embody it as true. And the more you're able to do that, the more you're able to start tipping the tip. The scale of I'm not enough or I'm only good enough when I'M doing. It's like, no, like you're good enough as you are and you're good enough because like look who, who you are to people and how you show up for people. Because I think that anyone that has a firstborn daughter in their life is, is a very lucky person. So, so we just need to believe it ourselves.
- [35:18]
A
Yeah. Yeah. I really like that. I want to listeners to hear that. That's not fluffy at all. You're actually giving us something that actually it has worked for you in your life. It's worked in my life too. I, I, you even said the eyes of the window to the soul. I started just looking in the mirror and making eye contact with myself every morning and just sort of. And that felt uncomfortable. You know, as you're saying when you said I love my skin feels uncomfortable. But that just acknowledging ourselves as that person and that we're here too, which sometimes when we're being that over function or we're doing everything for everyone else and it's all on us and we're go, go, go, go, go. Like are we stopping to consider ourselves and to meet and even see ourselves. And I think that's what I'm hearing from you. In addition to that, we are grown ass adults now and we can say the things to us that maybe we craved being said to us when we were younger. And that is very much a lot of what I do with myself. Even that thing that I'm going to this weekend, the way that I was talking to myself is something I would have wanted, you know, a mom or a dad to say to me that like, sweetheart, you can leave whenever you want. Like if you don't want to go, you like if it's not working for you can go and leave and, and me saying it. And that's what I say to myself in my head. I'm like, sweetheart, you don't have to do that. Or, or when I'm feeling emotions and you know, as an oldest daughter, there wasn't much room for me to have emotions and now for me to say things to myself that I would have liked, you know, and my mother or father or maybe if I had my own older sibling to be like, come on in for a hug. That sounds hard. Sounds like you've had a hard day. It's all right, let's just take a break.
- [37:00]
B
I just, yeah, you've done something that's a big one for firstborn daughters. There's this disconnect with emotions that is really important for healing. I always say that emotions Are a gift from God to let you know whether you're in or out of alignment to your higher self. So emotions contain data. And every time we're experiencing a low vibrational emotion, it's our brain anticipating that there's something wrong, whether it's true or not. So a lot of the times we're projecting from those past hurts. So if we can unnumber ourselves to all of the micro moments where we have a negative thought or we end, we see something and we interpret or like put direct a perception of it or an assumption, and that makes us kind of feel uneasy, unsafe, and then triggers us to go into our survival mechanisms. We can see where our inner child is feeling in disease and create that rationale in terms of, okay, what am I reacting to and what am I making it mean? And when I can see the story that I'm creating, this causing me to be out of sort, not grounded, then I can get to the reality. Like, but what actually happened? Oh, that person just scratched their eyebrow. They didn't say that they don't like me. You know, it's like now I can see the differences between what's occurring in reality versus what my mind's making up. And that allows us to create separations and then step into a new perspective, a new way of being. But if we're not connected to our emotions, emotions are seen as weak. For firstborn daughters, or the very concept of being vulnerable seems like it's weak, but it's the actual opposite. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and to be able to kind of connect to your feelings and hold space for your feelings. But I know that when you're performance focused, it's like feelings are the kind of kryptonite. It's like, if I allow myself to feel, then where am I going to get time and space to show up? You know, and it's like, like, well, your feelings will give you access to being able to show up from a full cup and allow you to be able to do even more because you've addressed all of those undercurrent things that are happening regardless of whether you're trying to ignore them or not. You know, so.
- [39:19]
A
And yet we weren't like there was no space for that as, as the kid in the family. It's like it doesn't matter if you're tired. You're the captain of the team. You need to get all age. So it's like, get out there. So I get how we, we learned that disconnection, and I appreciate how you're saying this is a special, special struggle for that eldest to come back into alignment with. With how we're feeling. And just, again, back to your point of considering ourselves that. That sort of, you know, mom to sell, like, how you feel in the day, that. Let there be space now. There can be space now in our lives. Yeah. I'm really appreciating this conversation. I know my listeners will be, too. If there's, you know, one person out there who's feeling really still, like, overwhelmed and stressed and just like, she's not good enough, and she. It's all on her. And is there anything you let feel that we've left unsaid that you'd like to say in her ear?
- [40:20]
B
Just to expand more on the feelings part, One of the exercises I get my clients to do is to just communicate their feelings. I feel sad right now that you didn't ask me how I feel. I feel sad right now that you know. And just learning to verbalize feelings to people and then see that they didn't think you were weak. They didn't. If anything, I went. Especially when I started that practice, everyone was so happy to be able to. One of my friends said to me, you're really hard to love. And I said, why? And she said, you do so much for me, and I don't know how to show up for you. So I was like, oh, Like, I thought that would be a good thing. And one of my exes said the same thing. He was like, I don't feel like I have purpose in this relationship because you do everything. You're the emotional provider, the financial provider. You're doing everything. I don't have a role. So in the same way that we enjoy giving, people want to give to us, but we don't open the door for them to give. So one of the testers, before you have to do anything significant in terms of saying no to someone, if that feels like too much of a big fee practice, which also will feel challenging, but maybe less so. Communicating your needs or communicating your emotions at least, and not your needs. And sometimes you'll find that people will show up like you and actually fulfill those needs because no one wants to see anyone in distress or in pain. So that's the only thing I would say that vulnerability for firstborn daughters. I've created a framework for called the Strategic vulnerability Framework. And there's five levels of vulnerability the first world daughters need to master, which unlock everything they ever wanted in relationships, in abundance, in career progression, all of the things if they Master these five levels of strategic vulnerability.
- [42:17]
A
And what are the first steps of that?
- [42:20]
B
So the first level of strategic vulnerability is where most firstborn daughters live. And that's armor mode. That's like this perfect image. This is like. So it's not vulnerability. It's like, I've got everything under control. I'm fine.
- [42:33]
A
When really, that movie.
- [42:35]
B
Yeah, exactly. The next level of strategic vulnerability that they need to get to, which is what we've spoken about, is that internal awareness. How am I contributing and playing a role into all of these things? And the reason it's vulnerable is because it means that we have to accept. Accept the parts of us that are not perfect. Because it's hard for us to believe that we're causing ourselves pain because we're. These words like, I do everything for everyone. Like, how would you mean, what part am I playing? But if you're pointing the finger, you're zapping your power away. So if you turn the finger inwards, you pull the power inwards, and you can do. You can change. You. You can't change others. And I'm sure if there are any firstborn daughters that are experiencing resentment, that resentment's probably there because you've been shouting about what needs to change and it hasn't changed. And that's because you can't change anyone, but you can change how you show up in relation to them. So that's the first level of strategic second level. If I'm a modest first, the third level is learning how to share. So taking all of those internal realizations and taking them outwards, like, I'm struggling with this, or I realize that I have a tendency or pattern of doing this that leads me to this unwanted result. And being vulnerable to people external to you and just allowing yourself to be authentic will allow you to connect deeper with people, because now they're getting to relate to, oh, she does have feelings. Oh, she does struggle.
- [43:56]
A
She's a little robot, right?
- [43:58]
B
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, yeah, it's like that. You'd be surprised at how many advocates you're able to get when people really feel you and they see you and they're like, okay, well, I understand where you're coming from. I feel where you are, and I want to help you. And then the fourth level, after learning how to share, is learning how to receive, which is difficult. So when you're able to receive, you build an ecosystem of support. And that ecosystem of support allows you to have a more sustainable life because everyone's helping you carry the load. You're not Carrying the load. And that translates in business because now instead of working in being at the kind of front line of everything being the bottleneck for everything, you get to trust other people to deliver, and you get to focus on the strategy and do the things that you enjoy to do. Doing and everything actually feels lighter and fun and enjoyable. So that strategic receiving is that level. Then the top level is magnetic authenticity. And this is when you start stepping into claiming the full you. A lot of firstborn daughters have a lot of strengths, but so it's an interesting conversation. When I start speaking to them, they're like, I don't have a problem with confidence. I can do that. And I'm like, is there a part of you that feels like you could be doing so much more, but you're not? And all of them say yes. You know, it's like, yeah, I know there's this untapped potential and I don't know why. And that's because you're not being bold about. And maybe it's because you're scared of being judged just too much or you're scared of triggering people because we're always thinking about others. So magnetic authenticity, the city is a vulnerability that comes from really embracing everything that you are. Stepping into your strengths, claiming that, I'm supposed to be here, I can do this, and being bold about the actions that you're taking in every area of your life.
- [45:54]
A
Oh, my goodness. Okay, well, everyone's going to want to work on these with you. Where do I direct them? I will put all the links in the show notes, but just verbally.
- [46:02]
B
Where.
- [46:02]
A
Where can I send them? Because it's like, yes, please show my
- [46:06]
B
website is the hill healed hero.com not the healed hero. So ww.healedhero.com you can get in touch with me there. Get information about the membership that I have and access to any online events that I throw. And I will be spending more time on LinkedIn. I am on other platforms, but this is new. Even with my recruitment business, I was pretty hidden again, maybe a first $1 tree. So I was able to take it to seven figures without being seen. But I can't with this business. So I'm gonna. I'm trying to pace myself and I'll be providing free resources on LinkedIn. So if you add me, awesome.
- [46:50]
A
Yeah, I'll link the LinkedIn. And I find a lot as a coach, a lot of. I get a lot of people from podcast, so people listening in that are, you know, listening to you and hearing of these five levels and hearing themselves echoed in your words like go to that website and find something. I'm also going to put a little plug in for maybe a future retreat in person because you're in Tulum, Mexico. That's where I've always wanted to go. I'm like, oh yeah, that'd be fun.
- [47:15]
B
I have, it's in the plans especially for probably towards the end of next year. So yeah.
- [47:21]
A
Oh my God, that'd be so fun. Yeah, I'm like that would be awesome. Definitely.
- [47:24]
B
Okay.
- [47:25]
A
I'd be there. I can. Awesome. All right. Take care of yourself. Thank you so much for coming on and helping all of us. Whether we're eldest, firstborn or just, you know, over functioners in our lives, we're all out there and I really appreciate the work you're doing.
- [47:39]
B
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I've loved the conversation.