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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
What to Say When Someone is Rude or Disrespectful
00:21:28
Have you ever left a conversation replaying it in your head, wishing you had had the perfect response? In this episode, Susie Pettit shares two powerful tools that will help you stay calm, protect your energy,
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Foreign. Hi, this is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go warriors. Why, hello warriors and welcome back to the Love youe Life show. I am your host, Susie Pettit, your coach, your friend and your fellow warrior in this wild, wonderful and often messy world that we're in where we're just humans trying to do the best we can. If you're new to the Love youe Life family, welcome. This show is all about teaching you the tips and strategies we weren't taught in our formal education. And we do it shame free because that's how we have to have this growth mindset. If we don't know any different, once we know better, then we do better. And I gotta say, whether this is your first episode or your 377th, I love that you're the type of person who listens to shows like this and is open to self improvement and understanding that you're awesome as you are and we can always learn new things. You're my kind of people and I'm so glad you're here. Today is an especially awesome topic because we're diving into something that's many of us struggle with, which is how to keep our energy and self authority around what we might call toxic or and also rude or disrespectful people. All right, maybe it's that family member who's always making a snide comment at the gatherings or a co worker who somehow like always leaves you feeling drained. Or maybe it's someone closer to home. Your partner, your parent, even your kids. They aren't always toxic, these people that leave us trained and we need our energy. So if you've ever walked away from an interaction thinking, oh, why do I feel so small? Or why didn't I stand up for myself? Or why was that so hard? Why did I get so defensive then? Today's episode is you. Because here's the truth. People are going to behave how people are going to behave. They're going to behave in ways we think are rude, disrespectful. We cannot control them. If I knew how guys, I'd be a billionaire, okay? But this is the truth of we cannot control. We cannot control if our teen is snippy, if our relative is condescending, if your husband is short with you, if your boss is dismissive. We can't. Not everyone has the same values as you do. Not everyone has the same skills to emotionally regulate as you do. And so not everyone is going to act how you would. So we let them, right? The whole let them movement, it's out of our control because that's out of our. Like, we cannot. We try to mix ourselves in so many ways, but we cannot. What is in our control? What can we do? A lot. We get to learn skills and strategies to keep our peace, to keep our authority, and to keep our energy intact. Today I want to highlight two tools that have been super helpful for me. There's a great guy on. Well, he's written a book. I was going to say he's on Instagram, but he's everywhere. Jefferson Fisher. He's a trial lawyer who turned communication coach. And a lot of the ways he expresses things I've heard you guys say are really helpful. So today I wanted to dive into two that are game changers for dealing with conflict and difficult conversations. They will help you keep your peace in all those holiday interactions you're about to launch into. And don't worry, I translate them into our world, the world of women who have spent decades worrying about everyone else's feelings first. And that's really important to note. And I want to get to that. Before we get to the tools. I want to get clear on why being around rude, disrespectful, or toxic people feel so destabilizing to us. It does to me too. Okay. If you were raised like many of my warriors, you were raised to be the peacemaker, the fixer, the one who smooths everything over. Somewhere along the line you got the message. If other people are upset, it's your fault, or if they're unhappy, you're doing something wrong. So then it makes sense that when you encounter an emotionally immature behavior like blame shifting or passive aggressive digs or manipulation, even your nervous system kicks into overdrive. You either try to fix it or explain yourself a hundred times or maybe shut down completely. Total self abandonment stage. And none of these responses leave us feeling empowered. Does this sound familiar? Me too. I felt like other people had the remote control to my mood for years. If they were in a good mood, I could relax. If they weren't, I was spinning. Here's the reframe. Keeping your peace and self authority around reactive or moody people is not about controlling them. It's about controlling ourselves. When we're trying to control them, we give them all the power. When we shift the focus and try to control ourselves, we get all the power back. Okay. It's about learning a few simple tools that will anchor you so you can walk away from those conversations standing tall. Let them be them. So let's dive into the tools. Now that we don't have shame for why we feel reactive, let's learn these tools. And the first tool I want to talk about is called a calm phrase. This is a short, steady sentence you can use in the moment to avoid being dragged into this emotional quicksand. All right? When people are in their emotional reactivity, they thrive on reactivity, right? It's like it is, it's like they're stuck in the quicksand and they want to pull you in, alright? They throw the bait out. And most of us, especially those us trained to people, please, we bite that bait. We explain, we defend, we over apologize. Remember that episode 374, three things we've been trained to do because of our past, all right? And when we do these things, suddenly they're in charge. And so we want a calm phrase. A calm phrase can be like an anchor. It keeps you steady. Some examples that Jefferson Fisher give are I see it differently or that's not going to work for me. I hear you. And that's it. Full stop. No 10 minute justification, no pleading, no. Just steady clear words. And this feels hard. I want to give you a real life example, all right? When one of my sons was younger, he had a speech delay and my husband and I got together and we had a plan for how we would address it and support my son that we felt confident with. Yet as you might be able to imagine, many people had ideas on what we should be doing like strangers at the playground or like, you know, but, but I remember one specific conversation with my mother in law where she was critical of our plan and I was so tempted to defend myself, get into that over explaining of why I was doing what I was doing and so on, okay? The old me would have jumped in with a. Well, after talking to the doctor and reading these 14 books and investigating these four things, you know, 20 minutes later I'd be exhausted and I mean, come on. My mother in law threw the bait and I took it, right? What I learned instead was what Jefferson Fisher's talking about. I learned to say I hear you. And that's it. No defense, no debate. That part of the conversation's over. I hear you. Okay? So she says you should be doing this. And I'd nod and say I hear you and then pretend my mouth was glued shut, literally. That's what my coach helped me with. She's like, pretend you have duct Tape over your mouth after you say that. This is such an effective tool warriors. It works with toxic people and it also works with those kind hearted people who are emotionally unregulated at the time. This is a take on the gray rock approach that's so helpful with narcissists. I'll link that episode because I talk about that gray rock and three other tools that work so well with narcissists if that's what you're working with. And you know what, if you're in a narcissistic relationship, you'll also love I have a PDF with my top downloaded episodes supporting you with that. It's it. Just email me and I can get you that PDF supportmbwell.com okay? And in the meantime, I just want you to realize this is such a great tool. Okay? Choose a calm phrase and practice saying it. I always encourage people to start practicing in front of a mirror. Okay? Practice saying I hear you. Or another one that I love is, I see how you see it that way. I see it differently and I see how you see it that way. Like my calm phrase. This works especially well, you guys, as a parent, okay? They feel heard. Like, I do see how my kid sees it that way. Like, I see how my kid thinks I'm ruining their cell life, but I'm sorry their social life by not letting them have their phone overnight or in school or whatever. I get it and I see differently. I don't need to engage, I don't need to defend. I just say like, yeah, I get it. I see how you see it that way and I see it differently. Can you see how powerful this could be to keep your peace and de escalate things? How could you use it over the holidays? Like someone says, we want you to come home for the holidays. Good daughters come home. Oh, okay, mom, there's some judgment there, but how about we say I see how you see it that way? For sure, I see it differently and I see how you see it that way. You don't defend, you don't engage, you don't like. You're just like, I get it, mom, sweet thing, I love you. And I see it differently. And we won't be coming home, okay? Or our aunt says you shouldn't feed your kids that kind of stuff. You just sort of look at them and you say, I see how you see it that way. Walk away, your kid's plate full of that food. What could your calm phrase be? Warrior. Write it down, practice it, put it in your back pocket for the next Time someone tries to hook you in, next time they throw out the bait. All right, the second tool works really well with this I want to teach you is called name the game. This is especially powerful when someone is unregulated and they try to twist reality, dismiss your feelings, or put the blame back on you. You know what I'm talking about. That teenager who's like, you're so dramatic. Mom. Or the spouse who says you're so sensitive or you're too sensitive or that shouldn't bother you. Or maybe the parent who says, you always overreact. All right, And Jefferson Fisher calls this name the game. They, they shift the focus away from what's happening and onto you. So you're suddenly defending yourself instead of standing in your truth. That's the game. Okay, they shifted away and you're like back, oh, I'm not so sensitive. I'm not. What happens when that happens? Sorry, not what happens, but when that happens. When they're in this game, instead of you spiraling or over explaining, you can calmly name what's going on. You don't have to do it with anger or sarcasm. In fact, this works well if you do it in your head too. Okay, Just noticing that they're trying to drag you in. You could say something like that feels dismissive or hmm, that sounds like blame, or that's not how I feel about it. Boom. Short, clear, powerful. Let me give you a real life example. Say your partner is grumpy and starts complaining about the kids, the boss, the weather. You're a big grumpy yourself and have been listening to this show long enough to realize you don't have to be his therapist. Just because he's in a bad mood doesn't mean you have to sit there and listen and help him figure out how to regulate his emotion. You don't need to hear the things that your kids are doing wrong right now. So you say, hey, I don't have the bandwidth to talk about this right now. Was going to take a quick walk before dinner. I love you. When you get back, you hear yelling and you walk in the house right as your teen slams the bedroom door and your husband is there with a look on his face and he's like, well, you friggin bailed on me. What did you expect me to do? Okay, old pattern here. Something I've totally done, by the way, is launch right into defensiveness. Okay, like I didn't bail. You're an adult. You should be capable to learn to self regulate. Just because I don't Stay and listen to you. Doesn't give you permission to not manage your anger and be hurtful to someone else, et cetera, et cetera. Okay? And then later, after totally, you know, diving in with my husband on the bait, I then am going into my teen and apologizing for the kid's dad's reactivity. Not even my reactivity. I'm getting involved, playing this little peacemaker. So I'm allowing for the adult to not need to learn the emotional processing or regulation skills. Okay? Or my teen to speak up with a boundary when their dad is talking to them like, you know, crazy. Like, saying that, you know, well, having boundary skills because we're doing it for everyone. How freaking exhausted, right? How about this? Instead, your husband's like, well, you bailed on me. And you say, whoa, sounds like blame. Okay, take a deep breath in, deep breath out. You're not escalating. You're not meeting their emotional immaturity with your own. You name the game and stay on your side of the road, right? You see him after he just lost it with your kid. He tries to blame you, and you say, wow, sounds like blame. Shut your mouth, all right? I know you guys love examples, so here's another one that might happen around the holidays, maybe with a sibling or a family member. Say you bring up a concern and that other person says, you're overreacting. You're so sensitive about everything. Okay? The old pattern is you start explaining about why you're not overreacting. No, Mom, I'm not. Here's that why this matters to me. And suddenly you're defending your right to even have feelings. Right? Instead, name the game. Okay? Say something like, oof, that feels dismissive. Or, oh, it seems like you're discounting my perspective. Do you see the difference? You're not getting dragged in over there with, like, off topic with the thing that you were trying to express. Okay? You stay on the topic. And you're also not debating whether your feelings are valid. You're calmly pointing out the move they just made and refusing to play. It's that, like, oh, feels dismissive. You just stop it in its tracks. Oh, I know you're going to get a lot of practice with these two tools because they're what we use with emotionally immature people, which we all are, by the way. Okay? Some are further on the spectrum than most, but emotional immaturity is something we're all learning. Like, my husband has used these tools on me. I'm not some angel here. You don't get to a Point. And you're like, I will always be regulated. No, we are always practicing. Sure. Some are further on the emotionally immature spectrum than others. Okay. And some are there, you know what? Like, based on their age, like a teenager, for sure. Like, they are emotionally immature. Okay. Some people have never learned the skills past teenagerdom. But, like, that's why these tools are so helpful. They help us not take everything so personally. Emotional immaturity at its core is not understanding where our emotions come from. And so it's very typical for other people to blame you for the things happening in their life or for how they feel. And again, there's no shame. I did this for years. It's the way of it. We don't know what we don't know. We weren't taught this stuff in school until. So until we actively learned, we get stuck in these patterns. And many of us didn't have parents that taught us emotional maturity, which is why I love listeners like you. Just as a side note, even with this specific episode, this is what it's all about. Like, you having the emotional maturity to realize, like, how do you keep your peace? By realizing your grumpy spouse isn't causing you to be grumpy. Your snappy teen isn't causing you to have a mood over. Controlling family members aren't controlling your mood. Take your peace back. Take your peace back. Today is a great day to start feeling more in control of how you feel. If you're new here, get the podcast Roadmap because that's where I have the foundational episodes of emotional intelligence. Smbwell.com roadmap because the truth is our siblings are going to judge. Our spouse is going to be moody, our kid is going to be snippy. We can't control them. So it's best if we learn to control ourselves so we can set appropriate boundaries. I want to be clear here. It's not about letting your spouse be grumpy with you. No, I went for a walk. It's not about letting your teen be snippy. No, use your clean phrase while upholding your house's standards. You see, I see how you see it that way. Please don't call me names. Okay? It's let them and let me and let's be real here. This stuff is not easy. I've been practicing this for over, I mean, probably two decades at this point. And it's still can feel uncomfortable to me in my chest, which is like when you first try these tools, your chest will feel tight, your throat will close up, and Every part of you might want to back down. That's normal. That's okay. What's not okay is thinking. You have to figure it out all alone, sweetheart. You learned people pleasing and self abandoning in relationship with others and you will unlearn it with support. Okay. I decided to offer my free webinar this week called Emotional Freedom because it's so important to get these skills. Doesn't that sound amazing? Emotional Freedom? It's even better than it sounds. In this class I will teach you how to stop feeling so responsible for everyone else's feelings and experiences before the end of the year. Let's do it. Make this your year. Podcasts like this are wonderful for planting seeds, but real growth happens when you take the next step. And. And the next step right now is signing up for this free webinar smbwell.com freedom I'll put the link in the show notes and if you missed the date, no worries. Okay. It's still a great day to start. You can always join me inside of the Love youe Life school where I go deeper into everything we talk about. Here I have trainings on how to set and hold boundaries. Plus you get my personal support in uncovering your triggers, your unique triggers and learning how to regulate yourself so you can actually use these tools in your real life. I am so ready to help you become the woman who feels calm even when the people around her don't. To become the woman who feels lighter because she's no longer feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings and moods. To become the woman who knows how to keep her energy no matter what room she walks into. How good does that feel? Alright, remember, you're not responsible for making other people happy. Not your partner, not your mom, not even your kids. What are you responsible for? Learning how to regulate your emotions and keep your energy. I tell you, this world doesn't need more drained over explaining woman. The world needs you. Calm, steady, empowered. You. How great would it feel to walk into the holiday season and then finish ending of this year? Like that. That is possible for you. I love you. And I love that you listen to shows like this. Thanks. Let's go.