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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
Why Relationships Feel Draining and How to Bring the Peace Back
00:15:19
Why do some relationships feel so draining? Do you ever feel stressed when you hear those studies talk about how important healthy relationships are? I know I do! When I hear relationship and happiness experts say how important the quality of t...
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Warriors. Hello and welcome to episode 382 of the Love youe Life Show. This is host Susie Petta, and I will be helping you learn why certain relationships feel heavy and what you can do to bring peace, clarity, and calm back to them. If you're listening live time, this will help you before the holidays. So I'm so glad you're here. Let's go. Hi, this is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go, Warriors. Hello, dear listener, and welcome to the Love youe Life Show. I am your host, Susie Pettit, a certified life, relationship, wellness parenting coach, ADHD coach. I have lots of certifications. The hat I'll be wearing today will be the relationship coaching. I have been thinking a lot about us and our relationships. They must have just recently released a study or something. But I've been hearing about so many from so many different ways, about how the quality of our life is deeply influenced by the quality of our relationships. Have you heard these studies? Okay. Well, as someone who's had a lot of relationships with narcissists, emotionally immature people, reactive people, this research can sometimes stress me out. Like, I feel like I'm behind the eight ball before I even start. I'm like, ah. Have you ever felt that when you hear these studies, a sort of like, what the heck can I do? This person is in my life? Well, I gotcha. First off, if you're currently. If you think you're currently in a relationship with a narcissist or a really emotionally immature person, you will want to get the free resource I put together for you on all the podcast episodes I've done teaching the specific tools to help you with. Narcissists, emotional vampires, emotionally immature people. You can get that@smbwell.com narc n a r C. And maybe after that, like, you're listening to that, like, you work through that, but maybe you're like me that you're like, no, I've done the boundary work. I'm no longer in these active relationships with these narcissists or energy vampires. But, like, I still get drained when I spend time with my mom or my son or my partner or fill in the blank. Well, that's what today is all about. I've got you. I'm so glad you're here. Okay, what do we do? Well, what we do is we learn and practice the skills of healthy relationship we build our EQ so we can feel more peace and calm when we're in these situations with the peoples in our lives, people are going to be people. What do we do? Which brings me to today's episode. Do you know that this is episode 382? Saying that out loud feels wild. I have had the privilege of teaching and talking about relationships in all kinds of ways. And when I was reflecting on how to best help you today, I was thinking of this. And I wanted to pull together some of my most powerful relationship teachings, the ones that I've seen move the needle most and bring them to you as a sort of like, holiday relationship reset or wherever you're listening to this, this time of year. But it's sort of like, okay, let's come back to the basics, everyone. So by the end of this episode, my wish is that you'll feel energized, inspired, empowered to make your relationships feel healthier, less draining, more peaceful for you. Does that sound good? Let's go. All right. The first thing I always like to bring ourselves back to is what I consider to be the actual point of relationships. What is the point? We as a species are drawn to connect. Like we are made so that we need other humans to exist on this planet and to keep the human species going. Why? Have you ever thought why? Especially since we're all different. We have different fingerprints, but we also have different thoughts. We have different ways of being, different ways of thinking, different values. And since we know that different feels uncomfortable, well then why the heck are we like programmed to interact with these different, different type people? Like, what is. What is happening here? It like just in its very nature, a relationship is going to feel uncomfortable to our nervous system. Seems like a paradox, right? Well, not if you understand the point of relationships here on Earth, or at least how I have in my learnings and teachings and studyings have come to understand it. The reason behind why we have these relationships. And what like our life curriculum here, teaching us on Earth school. Hey, like, you know, like when you sign up for a class in a school, you usually have an intent. Hey, like, why am I taking this class? Maybe it works towards your major. Or maybe now, like, like right now I'm taking a class on public speaking because I want to get better at public speaking. Like there's a reason. Or in the past, I've taken a classes on business management to learn better business management. Well, why the heck are we humans in these relationships? What's the point of the human relationship class here in Earth school? It's my belief. There are two points, two intense. First, we're put in relationships to learn how to love, to practice loving. Like, how good does loving feel? Part of the point of a relationship is to see how good we can get the skill of learning to love another human who's different than us. How good can we get at loving someone who thinks different than us, who has different ideas of how things should be done than us? Sort of basic understanding we're not perfect, nor are they. Can we learn and practice loving this other imperfect human? They're foibles. They're pet peeves, that first part, we're here to learn how to love. And the second part, why the second point of being in a relationship? We are put in relationships to learn about ourselves, to learn our triggers, to see what our sensitivities are. Where do we begin to act emotionally immature and reactive when we're in relationship with these people? Where do we blame or feel resentful or frustrated? Pretty intense class, eh? But for real, this is our lives work. Can you love the other human that you're in relationship with? And can you learn about yourself while you're in that relationship? Learn about what irritates you, learn about what annoys you, Learn about what. What resentment. Where resentments tell you about your thinking and things you could possibly learn and practice to push yourself into that next level of eq, to push yourself into that emotional adulthood. I mean, this is adulting big time, right? And yet it is freeing when you think of it this way. I just want you to practice it for a bit. Like your husband annoying you. What if you're like, oh, nothing's gone wrong? How can you love and accept his annoying little ways? And what can you learn about yourself and why those things annoy you? What about your mother? How can you love her for how she's showing up in her imperfect humaning and the things that she's doing? And what can you learn about yourself? Why does that bother you? Why do the things bother you that bother you? What I know from coaching countless, you know, probably thousands at this point of people, if it's not the thing the mom says or the husband does, it's the story we make up about that thing. That's the work. As humans, we're here to evolve. We come as little baby beings, and throughout our life we're given these lessons and opportunities to evolve into this next version of ourselves. It never stops. Well, until the end. When it does stop, I don't know, maybe we're just like, oh, I Get it now? Blink time is over. But this learning, this expanding, it's not over once we're 20 or once we're 30 or once we, you know, we're in the marriage or we've got that, like if we get triggered or reactive. What would it be like if you thought that it's not that you, the other person is doing something wrong, it's that this is your next lesson for you here in Earth School or literally what we do all the time in the Love youe Life School, which is why I made the Love youe Life School. Like, what if you. What have you changed and how you saw the things, you know, we're so quick to like, blame the other person. They should be doing it differently. Or blame ourselves. We should be doing it differently. But what if we just take a beat and we're like, oh, this is interesting. What is there here for me to learn? What is this here for me to learn about how to love this person and how to love myself. This is really a big thing, you guys. If we can stand on this base that the point of a relationship is to learn to love another human that thinks and acts and behaves differently than us and what we think is right or wrong, they're going to behave differently. And to learn about yourself along the way, that's it. It's not to get the other person to behave how you want. It's not to keep the peace at all, pace at all costs and sacrifice and, you know, be a self doormat. It's not to fix, manage or control anyone else's emotions. You let your teen feel what your teen is feeling. You let your husband feel what he's feeling. You let your mom feel what she's feeling. You let your neighbor feel what they're feeling. It's your job to grow your ability to love these people while learning about you. What's this here to teach you? Your triggers, your boundaries, your needs, your old patterns, your childhood wounds that you can heal when we remember that or when we come at relationships from this base, from this foundation, everything shifts. Your partner's mood isn't something you have to manage. Your teenager silence isn't a reflection of your worth. Your mom's criticism isn't a cue for you to over perform each of these moments because it comes a classroom like, how can we love this prickly little person in our presence? And what can we learn about ourselves when we're feeling all prickly? It does not always feel good, right? Sometimes it feels a bit righteous to get all victimy and directive that they're doing it wrong. They're thinking about it wrong. Oh, if only they did it my way. But long term warriors choosing to be an adult over a reactive emotional child. I can tell you because I've been practicing this and I get so many opportunities to learn. That feels so good. When I'm in my wise woman sort of shoes, I call them. I stand up taller, I feel more open hearted, more curious in my brain versus when I'm in my activated reactive child. Like whiny and icky and doesn't feel good. Short term maybe I can get like I could be in my righteous indignation or but long term, no. Plus since we can't control the other people. Spoiler alert. When we practice this, our relationships can't help to feel lighter and more peaceful. It is a big time holiday gift for yourself and them. You're welcome self. It's freeing. And I actually, as I'm talking I'm realizing I'm going to stop here. I have three specific skills of healthy relationships that I wanted to teach also, but I just want to stop here because like I don't want to keep talking. And have you missed the magnitude of actually hearing, learning, embodying the purpose of relationships and what I'm talking about? Don't get me wrong, the tactical things I'm going to share next week are big time helpful. You definitely want to make sure you're following the show so you get the next episode. Okay. And you know what? Are you a newsletter subscriber? You definitely want that too. Especially this season. This is when I'm sharing, like my and other listeners, greatest gift ideas, wellness tips for the season, et cetera. I'll put a link to how to become my email buddy in the show notes. And yet I want to just stop here. This is a short episode. You could just go back and hit play again because in the meantime, dear wonderful, amazing listener who's awesome listening to shows like the Love youe Life show, how might your relationships change if you begin to view them from this paradigm that relationships aren't here. Like we aren't owed anything from our relationships. Rather, we're given these relationships and the people in our life to practice loving while also learning about ourselves? My husband and I had a thing when we were early married and we still sometimes say it. We say Afgo. We say another effing growth opportunity. We'll be like here it is. Here's the opportunity to learn about ourselves. This when we change the foundation upon which we view relationships as they're here to give us someone to practice loving and to learn about ourselves. That is the true gift. As you are a true gift to me. It means a lot to me that you listen to this show and that I know you're listening and that you're doing this work in the world. I love you. I support you, and I'm so deeply honored that you spend your time listening in each week. You're what this world needs. Get out there. Practice loving. Loving on them. Loving on you. Make sure you're following the show. I'll see you next week. Awesome.