#483 — The Knots We Tie Ourselves Into

Summary

Podcast Summary: Making Sense with Sam Harris #483 – The Knots We Tie Ourselves Into

Guests:

• Sam Harris (host, neuroscientist and philosopher)
• Alain de Botton (author, philosopher, founder of The School of Life)
  Date: July 1, 2026
  Episode Theme:
  A deep-dive into the psychological roots of human unhappiness, the decline and legacy of religious structures in secular society, and the search for meaning, community, ecstasy, and self-understanding outside traditional frameworks.

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Overview

In this engaging episode, Sam Harris and Alain de Botton explore the paradoxes of human suffering and the "knots we tie ourselves into"—those unnecessary psychological burdens that flourish regardless of our external circumstances. The conversation centers on the modern psychological landscape, the unintended losses brought by secularization, rituals (from art to clubbing), psychedelics, and how individuals and societies might reclaim emotional richness and connection outside of religious life.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Alain de Botton’s Career and Focus

[00:31–01:44]

• Alain describes his work as centered on the "paradoxical and elusive sources of human unhappiness," noting these are often independent from material or political causes.
• Founder of The School of Life, which focuses on emotional education through books, events, and YouTube.
• Works as an author and therapist.
• Prolific publishing: 70 books under The School of Life, 15 under his own name.

  “Our amazing human ability to make a hell out of often pretty benign circumstances.” —Alain de Botton [00:59]

2. Secularization and the Loss of Ritual

[03:13–05:49]

• Alain initiates with the observation that secular, modern societies have lost many of the psychologically beneficial rituals and communal structures provided by religion.

• Emphasizes not belief, but "a religious mindset" and organized ritual as crucial to communal psychological health.

• Notes how nineteenth-century secularization individualized emotional and existential experiences, separating them from collective ritual (even in cultural spaces such as museums).

  “Religious societies… socialize in ritual forms certain kinds of psychological transitions which secular societies have a lot of trouble orchestrating.” —Alain de Botton [03:42]
  “We've had a hard time cohering people into structures that guide psychological… health.” —Alain de Botton [04:45]

3. Ritual, Ecstasy, and Emotional Extremes

[05:49–09:55]

• Alain expresses no nostalgia for religious dogma, but advocates for secular creativity in areas where religion used to give meaning—e.g., rituals, art, and communal ecstasy.

• Cultural institutions mimicking churches (e.g., museums) are a partial but incomplete secular replacement for former religious functions.

• Example: Ancient Greek festivals (e.g., Dionysus), which used ritual and collective ecstasy as outlets for emotional extremes.

• Modern “mental illness” may, in part, derive from the lack of such ritual containers for strong emotions.

  “If you showed up at the Tate Gallery and knelt down in front of a Rothko and burst into tears… you’d be quickly ushered out by the guards. You’re supposed to imbibe art in ways that are… chilly, even cold.” —Alain de Botton [06:29]
  “The extreme emotions… that manifest themselves now privately have been… marshaled around common rituals, which… handled them pretty cleverly.” —Alain de Botton [08:53]

4. Ecstasy and the Sacred in Secular Life

[09:55–13:37]

• Harris and Alain discuss the discomfort Western secular societies have with concepts like "ecstasy" and “the sacred,” which religions traditionally embraced.

• Nightclubs and drugs (e.g. MDMA/ecstasy) represent forms of modern ritual, but lack the communal prestige and psychological meaning of their religious predecessors.

• Alain: “Secular culture needs a conception of profundity and the sacred that traditionally only religion was able to give us.” [12:04–12:20]

  “There’s a positive end to the continuum of human well-being that has not been well explored, especially in Western culture.” —Sam Harris [11:09]
  “[Nightclubs] don’t have very high cultural prestige… there’s no transcendental function. I think that’s a real pity.” —Alain de Botton [11:32]

5. Psychedelics and Self-Exploration

[13:37–16:40]

• Discuss the resurgence of interest in psychedelics: both their social/ecstatic function (fostering a sense of universal love and lowering interpersonal barriers) and their use for self-exploration and therapy.

• Psychedelics, argues Alain, can help lower psychological defenses (like fear of one’s own complexity) and enable insight.

• Both highlight the importance of setting and intention—using substances in structured, “serious” (not just recreational) contexts.

  “One of the feats of kind of spiritual development in all religions… is you discover that the barriers between humans are… exaggerated.” —Alain de Botton [14:51]
  “[My] problem with drugs and alcohol was always that these things were not being used seriously… it’s not the substance itself that I’d ever had any problem with.” —Alain de Botton [15:56]

6. The Value and Risks of Dissolving Ego

[16:40–19:54]

• Sam distinguishes beneficial ego attenuation (spiritual or psychological insight) from pathological versions (e.g., dangerous collective movements, loss of moral scrutiny in crowds).

• Political rallies, cults, and mass movements can pervert the yearning for self-transcendence found in rituals and religion.

• Alain ties this back to developmental psychology: the human tendency to project omnipotence onto leaders repeats childhood patterns of awe and dependency; regression to this state is dangerous in adults and in politics.

  “There’s a normative, optimal, entirely desirable version of [ego dissolution]… but there’s also kind of pathological counterfeits.” —Sam Harris [18:32]
  “All of us have rooted in us… a capacity to be awed by another human and… project onto them an all knowing quality.” —Alain de Botton [20:03]
  “If somebody’s the daddy or the mummy and they don’t have the benevolence… then you’ve got trouble on your hands.” —Alain de Botton [21:24]

7. Death, Limits, and the Good Life

[22:19]

• Final (subscriber bonus) insight: Embracing the reality and symbolism of death (as a limit) can make individuals more enjoyable and less difficult people.

• Accepting limits reduces awkwardness and increases compassion.

  “Death is a very important thing to keep on the agenda… Accepting death in its metaphorical sense of limits is a wonderful route to making you a little bit less of a difficult person.” —Alain de Botton [22:19]

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Notable Quotes

• “Our amazing human ability to make a hell out of often pretty benign circumstances.” —Alain de Botton [00:59]
• “We've had a hard time cohering people into structures that guide psychological… health.” —Alain de Botton [04:45]
• “Secular culture needs a conception of profundity and the sacred that traditionally only religion was able to give us.” —Alain de Botton [12:20]
• “If you showed up at the Tate Gallery and knelt down in front of a Rothko and burst into tears…you’d be quickly ushered out by the guards.” —Alain de Botton [06:29]
• “There’s a normative, optimal, entirely desirable version of this [ego dissolution]… but there’s also kind of pathological counterfeits.” —Sam Harris [18:32]
• “Death is a very important thing to keep on the agenda… Accepting death in its metaphorical sense of limits is a wonderful route to making you a little bit less of a difficult person.” —Alain de Botton [22:19]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:59] Alain’s thesis — our unique capacity for self-inflicted psychological knots
• [03:13] Religion, ritual, and the secular void
• [06:29] Art as (failed) modern ritual
• [09:55] Comparing Harris & de Botton’s views on loss of ecstasy and sacredness
• [13:37] Psychedelics as secular spiritual tools
• [18:32] Healthy vs. pathological ego dissolution in mass movements
• [22:19] Embracing death and limits as psychological maturation

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Memorable Moments

• Sam’s humorous comparison of Alain’s publishing output to L. Ron Hubbard [02:13]
• Alain’s playful anxiety over whether admitting to psychedelic use could get him “arrested” [15:52]
• Lively, mutual recognition of their shared belief in secular ritual and emotional transcendence
• Deep-dive into how childhood awe of parents informs adult political psychology and the dangers there

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Tone and Closing Reflection

The episode is thoughtful, gentle, and wide-ranging, marked by Sam’s clinical clarity and Alain’s philosophical wit. Both call for a more emotionally sophisticated, ritual-rich, and meaning-centered secular culture—one that learns from but does not repeat the dogmas of religious eras.

For those seeking a deep conversation on meaning, ritual, and psychology in the modern world, this episode is an essential, nuanced listen.

Transcript

[Sam Harris (Podcast Host)]

You're listening to Making Sense with Sam Harris. This is the free version of the podcast, so you'll only hear the first part of today's conversation. If you want the full episode and every episode, you can [e-mail] There are no ads on this show. It runs entirely on subscriber support. If you enjoy what we're doing here and find it valuable, please consider subscribing today.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

I am here with Alain de Botan. Alain, thanks for joining me.

[Alain de Botton]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

So I think this conversation probably is, I don't know, two decades coming. I feel like I've known about you for at least 20 years and admired your work from afar. You've done many things, you've written many books, and you have the School of Life, which I would love to talk about. But how do you describe your career at this point? What is it that you focus on? And how are you showing up mostly now as a thinker? Sure.

[Alain de Botton]

I mean, I'm broadly interested in the slightly paradoxical and elusive sources of human unhappiness. Sorry. That are not really related to material or political shortfalls or events, but broadly lie in the psychological space. Our amazing human ability to make a hell out of often pretty benign circumstances. I'm fascinated by, as I say, the knots we tie ourselves into. And I write books. I operate on YouTube, as you say. I run this organization called the School of Life in London. We're interested in emotional education. And I'm also a psychotherapist, so I see clients one day a week.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Nice.

[Alain de Botton]

And as well as writing books and things.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

And the School of Life has published many books that. Are you the author of those books, or do you. Is it.

[Alain de Botton]

I am. I and a colleague are the author of all the books. Yes.

[Sam Harris (Podcast Host)]

Wow.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

You are more prolific than you get credit for, then. Cause how many books have you written?

[Alain de Botton]

There are a lot of them. Well, the School of Life has 70 books under its brand, and I've written 15 under my name, so it's a little too much. And I leave it to experts to diagnose what the problem might be.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

This is L. Ron Hubbard territory, though, happily, with much better content. Wow. Okay. Well, then I'm glad to see you away from your keyboard for at least the hour that we're speaking.

[Alain de Botton]

Thank you.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Well, see, you have focused on these timeless issues of, as you just put it, our capacity to suffer unnecessarily. It's pretty easy to uncouple that from the historical moment. I mean, there are ways in which current technology and changes in culture, I think are amplifying that capacity and making it more difficult to be happy in some very ordinary ways. Perhaps these changes are making it easier too. Let's just talk about culture for a moment. What most concerns you about the cultural changes that we're seeing happening more or less accelerating hour by hour around us Now.

[Alain de Botton]

I wonder if I might start in an unusual, slightly unusual and slightly provocative place, which is with religion and with the decline in much of the modern world, with what I'm be careful to call a religious mindset as opposed to belief. And I think it was still, you know, I still diagnose modern societies as coming out of the very long religious age which preceded it. And taking my cue from a thinker like Nietzsche, who predicted, I think very accurately that the end of belief would be trouble for human beings. I mean, it's not like there was no trouble before. Don't get me wrong, there was a lot of trouble before as well, but that there were particular kinds of trouble that were going to beset non religious eras, predominantly non religious eras. And I think that's a. It's a good place to look. I mean, let's look at some of the things that religious societies do and secular societies have problems with. One of the things that religious societies do is to socialize in ritual forms, certain kinds of psychological transitions which secular societies have a lot of trouble orchestrating or putting on the agenda. I mean, our diaries are filled with business meetings and technical priorities. In the more religious eras, days were devoted to ideas, to priorities of the soul, if you like. Now, one can have all kinds of objections to how those priorities were framed. But it's a very interesting way in which in the 19th century what happens is that private life gets personalized and individualized to an unprecedented degree. And so if you're in love, if you're struck by nature, if you're interested in community, if you're moved by the sight of mountains, et cetera, you do that on your own. You're not within any kind of structure. And we've had a hard time cohering people into structures that guide psychological, one you might call health. Religions talked of the soul. We don't need to use that word soul. It's a very interesting word.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Let me just explore that in the current context. I mean, there are religious societies or large communities now that you envy for the degree to which their commitment to their specific doctrines and ideology grants them depth of community and kind of thickness of culture, but they're not atomized in Ways that you admire?

[Alain de Botton]

Yeah, again, slightly, strangely, no. Uh, I'm not interested in looking backwards or sideways to religious eras. I'm doing something slightly unusual, which is to say, to really advocate for creativity, creativity in, in the areas in which religions used to operate. I'm not interested in reviving religions or fostering, you know, new forms of religiosity, but rather in exploring what religions were up to and thinking about what some of the gaps you might say are. I mean, you know, many of the museums of Europe, take the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, were explicitly modeled in the late 19th century on churches. There was a very common belief that culture would replace scripture, that in the absence of divine beliefs, what would pick up the slack? What would direct emotion, what would provide points of communion, et cetera, would be the arts. And that's why, as I say, so many civic, cultural, buildings look like churches or temples, places of worship. There's very direct kind of reference. And so one might say, well, isn't that fair enough? And I draw attention really to the way in which that seems a slightly incomplete project. So I'm speaking to you from London. If you showed up at the Tate Gallery and went to the Rothko Room and knelt down in front of Orothko and burst into tears and were profoundly moved in a way that we're not really used to in the age of museums. And according to the codes of how to behave in a museum, you'd be quickly ushered out by the guards. You're supposed to imbibe art in ways that are, you know, one might say chilly, even cold. It's a private experience. It's non ecstatic, it is not done with others. And there's a sort of limit to what we're allowed to expect from a work of art. It's both meant to be extremely important and nothing to cry about or indeed dance about. And that strikes me, and I'm intrigued because all societies, I mean, take the ancient Greeks, who had some fascinating rituals. So once a year there was the festival of Dionysus. Dionysus, the God of wine, the God of night, the God of folly. And, you know, he's got his ritual moments. And the whole citizenry, especially women, exit the city on the festival of Dionysus, dance in ecstatic ways to the beating of drums. And, you know, of course, our friend Nietzsche here is very interested in this. What's going on here? What are the ancient Greeks knowing? What do they know about us that we seem to have forgotten? And, you know, I'm not the first person to point out that there has been a huge increase, at least in recorded incidents of what we call mental illness, mental unwellness. And one of the ways of thinking about that epidemic of mental unwellness is, is that the extreme emotions, the untenable emotions that manifest themselves now privately have been in different points in history, marshaled around common rituals, which one might say handled them pretty cleverly, quite intelligently. You know, for the ancient Greeks, the concept of going a little mad once a year or perhaps more often was taken very seriously and was not seen, was seen as different from actually being mad. Going mad is something that you do because you know there's divine madness in each of us. Being mad is a more permanent state, often to do with denying the fact that there is divine madness in us. And so, you know, the Greeks rather cleverly had these two characters, Apollo and Dionysus, at the center of their culture. Apollo interested in reason, in calm, in order, balance, symmetry, and Dionysus very interested in other things. Again, I'm less interested in the specifics of these gods. We might find other gods, we might find other festivals, we might look at things differently, but there's a methodology there, there's a way of structuring experience which modern society doesn't have. And I'm very interested in drawing attention to that.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Well, that's very interesting. I think I want to just explore all of that terrain again a little more systematically just because I'm interested to discover if there's anything we disagree about. I think you and I have been thought to have disagreed. I think your book Religion for Atheists came out. When was that?

[Alain de Botton]

2012. So yeah, about the same time as you were very prominent on what looked like another side.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

I was the four headed atheist along with Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins and Daniel Dennett. And yeah, and I think people thought you and I fundamentally disagreed about a few things there. And I'm hearing echoes of that suspicion in what you just said. But I'm not sure I disagree with any of what you said. But I just want to try to figure this out. So I think I can completely sign up to the set of claims that I thought I heard, which is that one secular culture is uncomfortable with ecstasy. Right. We don't have a frame in which to think about it and integrate it and normalize it and even prioritize it. And ecstasy might even be the wrong noun. It's more that there's a positive end to the continuum of human well being that has not been well explored, especially in Western Culture, and especially of late and for some.

[Alain de Botton]

I very much like your use of the word ecstasy. I think it's bang on and you know, let's go straight to the nightclub at this point. You know, the word ecstasy's been linked to obviously traditionally a drug that you take at a nightclub. And you know, even if you think of the nightclub, the nightclub, there are nightclubs all over the world. They don't have very high cultural prestige, they don't have, there's no psychological meaning appended to them, there's no transcendental function. They are in the world of fun, of recreation, which I think is a real pity. And I think one of the things that the modern world does is it misses out on drawing from things like the nightclub the themes that previous ages would have mined in them.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

So just to add a few pieces to this puzzle for you to work with, I think what you're arguing for is that secular culture needs a conception of profundity and the sacred that traditionally only religion was able to give us.

[Alain de Botton]

Totally, totally. That's absolutely right. And even, you know, take the concept of the planetarium. So all the world, all around the world, planetariums, you go and look at stars. How do we justify planetariums? It's overwhelmingly to do with scientific explanation rather than awe or awe. In other words, you know, you go to planetarium and they're very keen to tell you about the precise dimensions of, you know, Kepler 32B and the rings of Saturn, et cetera, rather than what I think would be an equally apposite point, which is how small we are in the universe. Ego reduction, which has traditionally been one of the functions that religion has taken on very effectively. In Zen Buddhism there were moon viewing ceremonies on platforms, poetry was read, rice cakes were eaten, or still are in some parts of Japan at some points. In other words, the moon is being used not as an astronomical phenomenon, but as a sort of psychosocial phenomenon, as a tool of culture. And that's very helpful. So if we look at, you know, the nightclub, the planetarium, et cetera, there are lots of things that secular culture has but isn't properly connecting up with some of the themes that religions were pretty good at bringing to the foreign.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Well now, as you I'm sure are aware, there's this resurgent interest in psychedelics and both on the research end and on the so called recreational end. And granted there are two very different moods with which one can approach this project. It can be the nightclub mood of just having fun, or the more contemplative mood, of actually trying to understand something deep and durable and profound about the nature of your mind and your capacity for overcoming the unnecessary suffering which you referenced at the beginning here.

[Alain de Botton]

Yes, I mean, I think psychedelics are very interesting. I've explored this theme. I mean, if we look at, you know, you mentioned these two functions. Absolutely. I mean, if you, you know, one of the functions of psychedelics, mdma, et cetera, is socially to remind us of what we have in common with other people. You know, when people say, I took this substance and I loved everybody. This is of course, one of the feats of kind of spiritual development in all, all religions that it is through kind of meditative activities and, and also ecstatic activities that you discover that the barriers between humans are, let's put it gently, exaggerated. In normal life. In normal life we focus on the differences. But how interesting and how nice life would be if we focused on the similarities. And we may need a substance and a setting in which that can more easily be accessible to us. And then, you know, you mentioned self exploration. Well, exactly. I mean, the Freudians bless them, and I'm very indebted to the Freudian tradition. They understand that one of the main obstacles to thinking about yourself is fear, that there are resistance based on a fear of all sorts of deeply uncomfortable things about oneself. Like one's sexuality may be more complicated. One may have aggressive urges where one's supposed to be merely inverted commas, nice, et cetera. And that a substance like MDMA might lower the defenses, enabling one to achieve insight. And again, what a serious mission for something which for too long languished in the lane called fun.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Have psychedelics been part of your process? I mean, have you taken the various drugs?

[Alain de Botton]

I don't know if I'm going to be arrested for saying so, I don't know. But yes, I have. I have taken MDMA and psilocybin in sort of clinical or pseudo clinical settings, in other words, for these ends of self exploration more than so called fun. And they've been tremendously helpful in essentially, you know, my problem with drugs and alcohol was always that these things were not being used seriously. It's not the substance itself that I'd ever had any problem with. And again, religions have been wonderful at reminding us, I mean, you know, what is Dionysus responsible for? He's responsible for the God of wine. He's a God of wine. And how interesting to put wine right at the center of, you know, ritual and psychological development. And we too often fail to do that.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Yeah, well, the Greeks, as you know, had the Eleusinian Mysteries for a couple of millennia. And those who partook came away saying that this was the foundational few days of their lives. And to some degree, at least, if we don't blow it and recapitulate some of the errors of the 1960s here, what the current moment promises is a more sober, more methodical, more scientifically informed, but yet nonetheless profound kind of reintegration of that kind of ritual, you know, the pharmacological ritual in culture.

[Alain de Botton]

I mean, you know, I'm thinking about why people are boring. All human beings have very complex lives, but we all know some people who, when you come into their vicinity, you yourself feel that you have an awful lot to say to them and around them, and there's a lot of feeling. And other people, we feel, you know, they are saying, what have you been up to lately? And the mind goes completely blank. Largely because I tend to think that this is a function of how much they've explored of themselves. A so called interesting person is generally somebody who's been very interested in themselves. Not in a narrow, egocentric way, but they've opened a lot of doors. And I think one unconsciously senses that when you come into contact with them and then you have a lot to say. I would immediately put you in that category, Sam, and which is why people enjoy talking to you. And I think that one of the things that psychedelics allow people to do is more easily explore bits of their minds which, when they are outside of the substance, continues and gives them a kind of space which they allow to other people to, you know, explore their own minds. And so one ends up, you know, having a more interesting time and a more if, to use a hackneyed word, compassionate time, where there's a lot more on the table to discuss and to feel.

[Sam Harris (Interviewer)]

Well, let's talk about the attenuation of the ego, because it strikes me that there's a normative, optimal, entirely desirable version of this. And it's one that I've thought a lot about and spoken a lot about. But there's also kind of pathological counterfeits, I would say, and they relate to the discomfort we referenced a moment ago around ecstasy and secular culture and its political implications. I mean, when you're talking about, you know, the Dionysian attitude and what that looks like at the level of a crowd, it looks one way in a rave or other nightclub setting, it looks another way. In a political context, one could argue that at a large political rally, Nuremberg looking or otherwise, there is a kind of self overcoming of the individual. There's this fusion to some larger end that amounts to people kind of losing themselves in shoulder to shoulder contact with their brothers and sisters. And the pathology of all of that is all too obvious when you just read any bit of history. How should we think about the success and failure of what lies beyond the ego?

[Alain de Botton]

Such a fascinating question. I mean, I'd begin with the story of every human in a family. You emerge into the world with a mother and a father and you know, it's hard to remember, but essential to remember how mighty every mother and father or every caregiver looks to an infant. You know, this large person can throw a ball across the garden, can master language, can write, can sing, can pick you up and spin you around the room. And you know, from that experience all of us have rooted in us, I think, a capacity to be awed by another human and as it were, to imagine, to project onto them an all knowing quality. And you know, in normal development, in normal psychological development, we gradually discover in adolescence that our parents are flawed. That even though they looked absolutely powerful when we were seven, by the time we're 17, we discover that they're boring, frightened, uncertain, and in many ways not sure of where they're going. And these are wonderful discoveries, necessary discoveries of adolescence. And if I can make a strange link of democracy. Democracy is the democratic mindset, is one which is post adolescent and properly recognizes the impossibility of heroes. There are no heroes. There are merely humans like you and me who are finding their way, prone to error and not omnipotent. But in moments of stress, in moments of regression, people and peoples will, as you know, of course, regress back to that childhood mentality. And then you get serious, dangerous. Because if somebody's the daddy or the mummy and they don't have the benevolence that we sometimes associate with those words, then you've got trouble on your hands. And I think it's in all of us. All of us can be in danger depending on our state of mind and the atmosphere around of projecting onto leaders a power that no adult can possess simply because that's where we all came from. And it's a lot easier when you're feeling under pressure to believe that.

[Sam Harris (Podcast Host)]

Members can hear the full conversation by [e-mail] Subscribers get a private RSS feed you can use with your favorite podcast player.

[Alain de Botton]

Death is a very important thing to keep on the agenda, not just for the actual moment you're going to die, but for everything it symbolizes about your limits of understanding and control. Accepting death in its metaphorical sense of limits is a world wonderful route to making you a little bit less of a difficult person, a little bit less of an awkward person. People become a lot more fun when they accept their limitations.