#128 - The Invisible Men

Summary

Podcast Summary: Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship Episode: #128 - The Invisible Men
Release Date: April 22, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode #128 titled The Invisible Men of the acclaimed friendship-focused podcast Man of the Year, hosts Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo delve deep into the often-overlooked feelings of invisibility within friend circles. Addressing the current "friendship recession," where 15% of men report having zero close friends, Matt and Aaron offer insights, personal anecdotes, and actionable strategies to help listeners navigate and overcome these social challenges.

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Main Discussion: Understanding Invisibility in Friendships

Matt Ritter opens the conversation by sharing a personal anecdote about his friend Ben, highlighting the complexities of intermittent friendships.

Matt Ritter [03:10]: "Even if you were a billionaire, you'd still be a dad. Even if you had a million hours of help, you'd still be drained."

This segues into a broader discussion about the metaphorical "superpowers" adults wish they had, leading to the central theme of invisibility.

Feelings of Invisibility

Matt and Aaron explore the transition from viewing invisibility as a desirable superpower in childhood to experiencing it as a painful reality in adult friendships.

Matt Ritter [05:32]: "I felt like, wait, am I making myself invisible for no reason now?"

Aaron adds his perspective, connecting invisibility with loneliness:

Aaron Caro [07:17]: "Invisibility and loneliness can sometimes be similar in that, you know, I kind of feel that way when I don't have anyone to hang out with."

Impact of Group Dynamics

The hosts discuss how group dynamics can contribute to feelings of being overlooked or excluded. They touch upon scenarios where individuals feel left out of plans or conversations, exacerbating the sense of invisibility.

Matt Ritter [08:15]: "Feeling left out is kind of the first sort of level of feeling invisible."

Aaron Caro [16:24]: "There's in every group there's one guy, you know, a couple of people who are more in the extroverted leaders... and then there's sometimes people who are kind of like the last man in."

Personal Experiences and Reflections

Matt shares experiences where he felt ignored or overlooked in social settings, emphasizing the emotional toll it takes.

Matt Ritter [19:17]: "I just. I just had a guy at a... I just have to miss it for an entertainment biz meeting."

Aaron relates by sharing his own moments of feeling invisible, such as not being asked questions on dates, leading to a one-sided conversation dynamic.

Aaron Caro [20:36]: "Most guys on dates are just reciting their success, their track record."

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Strategies to Overcome Invisibility

The hosts transition into offering practical advice for listeners who might be grappling with similar feelings.

1. Be the Friend:

   • Aaron Caro [17:59]: "Be the friend. Which is that if you're waiting for the other people in the group to acknowledge you or make the plans or include you, take the initiative yourself and plan something."

2. Initiate Conversations:

   • Matt Ritter [32:38]: "Be more vocal. Insert yourself."

3. Create an Agenda for Introverts:

   • Aaron Caro [32:49]: "Use a private notes app to keep conversation topics handy without making it obvious to others."

4. Host Events:

   • Matt Ritter [36:39]: "Host something in your house. Make it about you."

5. Be Vulnerable:

   • Matt Ritter [33:36]: "Share something about yourself, something that's going on. Work, home, whatever."

6. Set Communication Standards with Close Friends:

   • Aaron Caro [14:30]: "Where do we land on between me and you that if you don't hear from me that you need to, like, break down a door?"

7. Lead by Example in Social Settings:

   • Matt Ritter [31:22]: "When you see family or friends, you absolutely get up and give them a greeting."

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Listener Interaction: "Asking for a Friend" Segment

Towards the end of the episode, Matt and Aaron address a listener's question about feeling like a non-playable character (NPC) during a trip with friends, where the listener felt ignored and sidelined.

Listener [23:40]: "Nobody asked me input for plans. I kept getting stuck in the worst hotel room and at meals I was basically the last person anyone talked to."

Hosts' Response:

• Aaron Caro [25:47]: Emphasizes that friends are not mind readers and encourages proactive communication.

• Matt Ritter [26:14]: Suggests making plans and initiating conversations to change the dynamic.

They reinforce the earlier strategies, urging listeners to take initiative in their friendships to foster inclusion and visibility.

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Conclusion and Key Takeaways

In wrapping up, Matt and Aaron reiterate the importance of active participation in friendships to combat feelings of invisibility. They emphasize:

• Communication: Openly sharing feelings can bridge gaps and foster understanding.
• Initiative: Taking the lead in making plans can shift group dynamics positively.
• Vulnerability: Allowing oneself to be seen and heard strengthens bonds.

Aaron Caro [36:18]: "Be the friend. If you feel like you're being ignored, then you make the plans, make the invite, and, you know, also make it about you."

The hosts conclude by encouraging listeners to reach out with their friendship dilemmas, emphasizing the podcast's mission to champion and strengthen friendships across the country.

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Final Thoughts

Episode #128 of Man of the Year sheds light on the nuanced emotion of feeling invisible within friend groups, offering both empathy and actionable advice. Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo skillfully blend humor with heartfelt discussion, making this episode a valuable listen for anyone navigating the complexities of adult friendships.

Transcript

[Aaron Caro]

Guys, you have that one buddy that you don't talk to all the time, but every once in a while, they'll just pop up and ask you for something. Well, that's my friend Ben. We went to college together. We went to University of Pennsylvania. And then every once in a while, he'll pop up and say, hey, Cairo, how's Happy Head working for you? Because Happy Head is the company that Ben founded and is the CEO of, and it is my hair growth solution. He wants me to talk about it. And I said, ben, how come you only reach out when you need something, but in this case, it is important. I know a lot of you out there listening to man of the Year, you're going bald and you need this. Don't walk. Run to happyhead.com MOTY that's happyhead.com MOTY or use coupon code MOTY to save up to 120 bucks off your first prescription order. Happy Head has the strongest hair growth solutions, and you need it now. Go to happyhead.com MOTY man of the Year. Man of the Year.

[Matt Ritter]

Man of the Year. Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Matt Ritter. Aaron.

[Aaron Caro]

I'm Aaron Caro.

[Matt Ritter]

Guys, check out manoftheapodcast.com. we've got some merch there. We've got some new hoodies. We've got some. What else should we put in our merch store? I don't even know.

[Aaron Caro]

I want to get a. I want to get an iPhone case. We have iPhone cases. Oh, but iPhone cases, because, well, I think yours is too old for. They don't even make that anymore.

[Matt Ritter]

This thing. This whole thing.

[Aaron Caro]

And whatever the new iPhone is, the case wasn't available, so we got. They say we should be friends. Great.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay. Awesome, awesome, awesome. So, Kira, I was thinking about superpowers because I was watching a movie that was four hours and there were like, three Marvel trailers, and it made me realize we've never talked about what your superpower would be. I've always thought it was, like, a silly convo, but now as an adult, I realized I have one that is, like, unquestionably the one that most adults wish they could have, which is the ability to nap or fall asleep at a second's notice.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I mean, are you just. Are you just making anything? A superpower?

[Matt Ritter]

No. That. I hate to say this. Hate to do this.

[Aaron Caro]

You're not. You're not. You're just changing the question. You're just making.

[Matt Ritter]

But when you have kids, you now realize that is the World's greatest superpower.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, no, because the world's greatest superpower would be, you know, how to read the stock market, make a billion dollars tomorrow. You could sleep as much as you want. I mean, you could just say anything.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, but you'd still be a dad. Even if you were a billionaire, you'd still be a dad. Even if you had a million hours of help, you'd still be drained.

[Aaron Caro]

You think Bezos is drained? You think Bezos is drained on that, on that yacht? He's feeling fine.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, Lauren Sanchez keeps him. Keeps him fresh. Keeps him vibrant. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I loved her. Oh, I love that. I love that. The meme of Zuck catching a glance.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, right. So she wore a bra to the inauguration. I mean, we've, we've, you know, we've lost the plot. Okay.

[Matt Ritter]

I thought it was elegant, but, but alluring.

[Aaron Caro]

But, I mean, listen, I, I, I would love to do that as someone without kids. That's people who fall asleep immediately. It's amazing.

[Matt Ritter]

But what's funny about it is I used to make fun of my, My dad had that, like, I don't know if it was his power just, you know, beaten up by life. But he would come over to my brothers or my sisters when they had, when they had kids, and he was supposed to be playing with the kids in the second he touched the couch. It was almost like, you know, when in movies, like the Vanishing, if you're still the vanishing. Right. The 90s and 80s, there were a lot of movies where chloroform was used. Remember the good chloroform rag? You just stuck it over somebody's head, and two seconds later, my dad. To my dad, every couch known to man was basically a chloroform rag.

[Aaron Caro]

Does that chloroform thing work?

[Matt Ritter]

Should we try it on each other?

[Aaron Caro]

No. We should try it on ourselves.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, no, because it's not safe to do that on yourself. I'll do it to you.

[Aaron Caro]

I thought you were a good sleeper.

[Matt Ritter]

I'm a great sleeper. That's what I'm saying.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, so you have the superpower.

[Matt Ritter]

That's what I'm saying. I have the world's greatest superpower.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, okay, Great, guys.

[Matt Ritter]

What's yours? Outside of the, Outside of the Marvel universe.

[Aaron Caro]

So now you're, now you're not even saying things that you want, Things that you already have.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, do you have one? I'm saying I, they're everyday superpowers that people don't even realize.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, I would have the superpower of organization.

[Matt Ritter]

I would say that is your superpower.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, there. There. There is a. There is a. I've said before, you know, OCD is sort of a blessing and a curse.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah. Ocd, yes. Like, I feel like. Yeah, that is a very savanti trait.

[Aaron Caro]

That would be my. It would be like, ocd, man. Wow. He alphabetized everything.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alphabetizer. The alphabetizers.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

The reason that I. I brought this up is because I was thinking about invisibility and how when you're a kid, you think it's the coolest thing in the world. You know, like, you think you just go in. My son now goes into the closet. We. We put a drape over it. We're like, oh, you're invisible in there. You know, it's cutest thing. But then I realized, as you get older, being invisible is one of the worst feelings in the world.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, is this a transition? Good transition?

[Matt Ritter]

This is the transition from invisibility as a superpower to invisibility as something we never talk about. And I feel like it's something that we should talk about on this pod because I feel like it happens a lot in life, and I don't just mean, oh, invisible. Like, I don't have friends. I'm walking around invisible to the world. I mean, specifically within your friend circle. I think there's a lot of feelings of invisibility. Do you ever. Do you ever feel like that?

[Aaron Caro]

Can I. Can I can I d. Transition you for one second? Just thinking about invisibility as a superpower. Like, what are you doing besides, like, looking at naked ladies? Like, what does one even do with that superpower?

[Matt Ritter]

It's basically just saying, I wish I was a peeping Tom.

[Aaron Caro]

Right? It's the peeping to super Tom.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

It's a super. Super duper. It's basically. It's like, I wish I didn't have to climb a tree. Didn't have to hide in bushes.

[Aaron Caro]

Like, you could only use it for crime. Like, sneak into a bank and steal their inside information. Like, what else could you do with it?

[Matt Ritter]

They also just have temperature monitors. You wouldn't even be able to do that anymore.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, no. My. My superpower would have a. Would have a cloaking mechanism.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, the whole cloak and the full. The full invisibility. Yeah. AI Undetectable.

[Aaron Caro]

But in answer to your question, I mean, you know, there are. I think for me, invisibility and loneliness can sometimes be similar in that, you know, I kind of feel that way when I don't have Anyone to hang out with, because then you're just like, well, everybody's doing something without me. I don't. Do. I exist.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. So that's the. That's the invisibility that's tied, I think, to loneliness, which I think is definitely real. But I. I think that's a crap. A crappy feeling, you know? But I also. I feel like we've talked about loneliness a lot, and we haven't really talked about invisibility within a friend group. Like, I don't know, you ever just find out people went somewhere or made a plan and you're just like, oh, okay, I guess I'm not part of that.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, we. We have talked about it before, you know, every once in a while maybe, but I don't really let it. I know it doesn't really bother me because in our group, it's not meant with.

[Matt Ritter]

Or. Or just like, you know, like, I think it manifests itself that. In that way. Right? I think it definitely manifests itself, like, for a lot of people, like, oh, oh, I didn't realize they were going to that, you know, concert.

[Aaron Caro]

Left out. Feeling left out.

[Matt Ritter]

Feeling left out, I think is. Is kind of the first sort of level of feeling invisible. Right. Or. Or just. Just. Yes. I mean, I think not getting invited to stuff, but also just feeling like you're not in the loop a little bit. I think it's a little more than just like not getting invited to something. Right. I think not getting invited something is one thing, but, like, just generally not feeling like you're like, within the group dynamics sometimes.

[Aaron Caro]

By the way, did you know that our friends are. Were in Mexico this week?

[Matt Ritter]

Maybe the reason I. The impetus. Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Because I will say anytime, anybody.

[Matt Ritter]

Anytime anybody's anywhere, even though I don't even want to go to half the stuff I think I've learned from you where you're just like, well, I want the invite. Even though you soft past most of my invites.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

I think you still want the invite because otherwise you feel invisible.

[Aaron Caro]

But weirdly, if I don't, I don't know, because we have. There's such goodwill. If I don't get the invite, I'm never like. I don't think I've ever been, like, why didn't I get invited to somebody? Like, you know, I'm sure you had a reason.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Or. Or just like, I don't know. You know, I think it goes back to two. Like, the way that some of us carry ourselves makes people believe that we don't need to be checked in on, or taken care of as much as other friends. I feel like you're definitely walking around, like, you don't seem like you need to be checked in on.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, this. This actually reminds me of something that I wanted to get your take on that I've actually hadn't had a chance to ask you about. So last year, my. This is. This is tangential, but, you know, last year, my. My uncle passed away, and it wasn't like, closest relative. He was, you know, ill for a while. Not that it makes it any better, but I'm saying it wasn't like a super close. And, you know, I only really mentioned it to a few people. And, you know, people, of course, were very nice. You, like, do you need anything? And then, you know. You know, fireball Adam, you know, you mentioned to him, and he texted me, and I actually felt a little, let's say, silly of, like, oh, I'm like, it's, you know, like, you know, we're taking care of stuff. My family's visiting. But I, like, I'm okay. This is not like, God forbid, a parent or some. Or someone passed away, and I was kind of like. I was almost like, don't. Don't waste your. You know, do you need anything? And so then I went. You know, my parents came out, went to the funeral. I was driving home. I was reflecting, and I was like, you know, that actually was really nice. Like, I didn't need it.

[Matt Ritter]

Mm.

[Aaron Caro]

And I felt quite seen. That's why you reminded me. I don't know. What did you think about. Is that silly that I was like.

[Matt Ritter]

No, because I think you and I are probably similar in this respect. Like, this just happened to me with the fires that happened. People were asking me if I was okay, and I was just like, I'm fine. Don't ask me.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

And I think we have these defense walls built up. Like, we've created this thing for whatever reason. Everybody does it differently. They create this perception of themselves, and it's internal, but it's also external. And. And. And you think that you've shown the world you're good, and it's a positive trait a lot of times, like, hey, I'm not. You know, I've got my stuff under control. But then it kind of leads people to not see you in the same way that probably everybody needs to feel seen sometimes.

[Aaron Caro]

But in your case, you're saying people did reach out to you, so isn't that the opposite?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, but I. But I had the reaction that you're talking about. That, that, like, okay, I don't, I don't need. Instead of. I think the reaction should be grateful that people are seeing you and just. You're not walking around invisible. Right, you know?

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I guess for some reason I was like, save your. Because people reach out to me for the fire, too. And I'm like, kind of like, save your sympathy for somebody who deserves it. I don't know.

[Matt Ritter]

Like, I literally said that. It literally said that.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

Like, I was at school and one of the administrators. I like, just save it. You have so many people. Because I felt that they were checking in on every parent. I was just like, just save it. I'm good. And I really was good. So maybe there is. For that one, I really was good. You know, But I think this idea that I walk around and you walk around, probably our default is, I'm good, save it for somebody else is maybe not all that healthy.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. I mean, it's a very high class problem, I would say.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. No, I'm just. I'm just. I was just thinking about invisibility because, yeah, there are a lot of times where I do. I'm like, man, does anybody. I don't know, man, I go through these phases where I'm like, does anybody care about me? Does anybody go know what's going on in my head or emotionally? Would anyone even care? Do I want to burden anybody with that? And it's usually the answer is no. In my mind, I'm like, nobody cares. Nobody wants to know. And I don't want to bother anybody with it. And so then I just walking around and then I get those feelings of like, wait, am I making myself invisible for no reason now?

[Aaron Caro]

Where do we land on. This was like a couple of years ago in the pod. Where do we land on between me and you that if you don't hear from me that you need to, like, break down a door?

[Matt Ritter]

Did we say 72 hours? That's too long.

[Aaron Caro]

That's too long. I might have said that back then. You're right.

[Matt Ritter]

We should shorten it to 36.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, at 24, you got to start calling around.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I got a ping going. I got to get at least a ping. A cell phone tower ping.

[Aaron Caro]

Because for me, I mean, I'm being a little glib.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, at least you. At least you have a wife who, you know, somewhat cares about you.

[Matt Ritter]

Right, right. And I worry about that, too. I honestly, I do worry about that. With people that are single. It is like, I. I Have to make. I make her see me.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. She is, she doesn't know. She doesn't want to see you.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Like I, I, Yeah. You know, she definitely wishes I was visible sometimes.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. She sees you non. Consensually.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I don't know. I just, I did, I did want to talk, you know, just about feeling overlooked in a friend group and, and some tips for people who may kind of feel that dynamic, you know, because I just thought about different scenarios. Sometimes it's, nobody's checking on me, but other times it's like, oh, they're making plans without me. Other times still it's like I don't know what they're talking about. They're like having a convo that they've been having that I'm not at all part of, you know, and that's fine. You know, sometimes you just find yourself in the outer rings of other circles, you know, and you just don't feel included. And I think there's probably just introverted people that I wanted to talk to too, that probably feel, you know, that if they're quiet, you know, they don't really get their sort of needs met necessarily in a group or in friendship.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I was actually thinking about this when you mentioned to me the other day, so you know how we talk about a one on one friendship. You, it's never 50 50, but you want to give and take and you want to be Ambrose or whatever. And, and to me, what you're sort of suggesting. We haven't talked about the group dynamic.

[Matt Ritter]

Yes.

[Aaron Caro]

Which is, you know, there's in every group there's one guy, you know, a couple people who are more in the extroverted leaders, planners, doers, gregarious. And then there's sometimes people who are kind of like the last man in. Mm. Like, you know, I've been in groups like that where you're not, like you're not as secure as you could be.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

And I think that's sort of what you're, you know, it's almost like a text to our four person text group from any four of us is pretty equal weight.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

But I imagine there's plenty of text groups where like one person, they just get ignored.

[Matt Ritter]

Right, right. Your place is not secure. Almost.

[Aaron Caro]

It's almost like Premier League Soccer for friendship. Like you could get relegated.

[Matt Ritter]

Right, right, right. Yeah. You feel relegated. And that's a horrible feeling too. So I wanted to talk about just. Yeah, I just want to talk about like, how can we address this? What can we do About. I thought, for whatever reason, I feel like you were good at this. Of, like, the. When. When you didn't get invited or something. I always feel like you make a joke out of it in a good way. Of, like I said, I didn't even know about that dinner. Like, I didn't even know you went to that concert. Like, I. I don't know. I just feel like your tone makes it, like, totally okay when you do that.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. I mean, again, I. I'm a bad example because I'm coming from a place of extreme security, but, you know, I think if that's your place in the friend group number one, I would default to. Our number one tip of the entire podcast was be the friend.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Which is that if you're waiting for the other people in the group to acknowledge you or make the plans or include you, take the initiative yourself and plan something. You know, it is possible, Matt, that if you're in this, if someone's in a group like that, that's not the right healthy group for them.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. If you're feeling like an afterthought or what you're talking about, if you feel like you may be demoted to year two Liga, I don't think that's. I don't think that's healthy. I think that can't be your core group. How about that? That can't be your core group. You can't feel like an afterthought in the core of your core. Of your core friendships.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. If. If that is, you know, if that is your core group. And I mean, it's easier said than done to get a whole new group of friends. But.

[Matt Ritter]

No, and I don't. Right. So what I'm saying, there's. There's. Before we get to that. Right. I think it's.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

How do we change the dynamic? Right. Because some. I don't know, sometimes I. At dinners, maybe it's mostly couple dinner, sometimes at group dinners, where I'm just like, did anybody ask me, you know, that's what I love about our Luger's dinner. Like, we make everybody go around so we can hear from them and they can be seen and they can be heard, you know?

[Aaron Caro]

Matt. Yeah, no, go.

[Matt Ritter]

Nobody asks. Not sometimes I'll go to a couple's dinner and somebody. Nobody asks a question about anything. Like, I just. I just had a guy at a. At a school event go, I thought you were a lawyer. I'm like, wow.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay. We're not friends. I had another guy go, hey, is Jesse. And another guy Go. Hey, is Jesse back to work yet? I'm like, Brenner's, too. You don't listen to.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, are they good? Are they good friends?

[Matt Ritter]

No. Yeah, but it still bothered me for the same reason. I'm like, oh, okay, so I'm not like, a person you care about or like, you're not listening to me, but.

[Aaron Caro]

You care about them well enough to.

[Matt Ritter]

At least know those things. So. But again, yes, I think that's why it bothered me. I'm like, wait, like, you don't even know the most basic thing about me, that I haven't been a lawyer in 13 years.

[Aaron Caro]

What was I just going to say? Some. Some of that. Some of that is. Is where. Where we're victim of our own. Sometimes I get that way on a date because I ask a lot of questions that I'm generally curious and inquisitive, and then nobody asks anything about me.

[Matt Ritter]

And doesn't that bother you? No.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I'm coming at it from a. You know, it's interesting. The dating world.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Women are so. Most guys don't ask them any questions. So they're. They're like, oh, I've. This is never. It's. They. I mean, it's a good thing. It's almost. I don't think they're not asking me anything because they're not interested. They're just like, no one's ever asked me anything. So I'm gonna answer all your questions and like, ah, okay.

[Matt Ritter]

Because most guys on dates are just reciting their. Their. Their success, their track record.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, I'll get to that. I mean, that's the question. By the way, Matt, you appreciate this. When someone goes, what do you do? I'm like, well, do you want the long version? The medium version? You know, tough question.

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, I can't blame the guy for thinking I'm a lawyer. It's too hard to explain everything else.

[Aaron Caro]

Should we take a listening question? Come back to this?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

All right. We'll be right back.

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[Matt Ritter]

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[C]

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[Aaron Caro]

Guys, this is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram. Our handle is manofthe Year podcast and we will answer it on the show. Matt, take it away.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay, I love this one. So hey guys. Love the pot. I just got back from a trip with a group of friends and I swear I felt like an NPC the whole time. You know what that is?

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Non playable character.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Nobody asked me input for plans. I kept getting stuck in the worst hotel room and at meals I was basically the last person anyone talked to. The last draw for me was I overslept and no one even noticed and went out for lunch without me. Am I overthinking this or is this a sign I need to reevaluate my friendships?

[Aaron Caro]

When we did our 40th birthday extravaganza trip to Jacksonville, I believe me and one of our our buddies, you had a little too much to drink and we were or slept the next day and everybody left without us. By the way, I'm usually on the Sorry, sorry.

[Matt Ritter]

I don't remember this.

[Aaron Caro]

I think we. I think we. It was on us. I mean, believe me, I, you know, I'm on the. I'm on the schedule team team schedule team itinerary. You know, my first thought is okay, is his interpretation of what's going on. Accurate. You know, if you put sodium pentathol and the other guys, would they be like, oh, I don't know, he's got a kid and he doesn't get a chance to sleep. And we thought he didn't want to spend as much money on the hotel room. And you know, this guy's gluten free. So we just did the ordering for him and have no idea.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. You're. So you're saying are one of our main rules. Your friends are not mind readers.

[Aaron Caro]

Your friends are not mind readers. Right, right. Can you just give me the two other examples before the falling asleep?

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, he said that they nobody asked for his input on plans. He got stuck with the worst room. Nobody talked to him. He basically said nobody talked to him while they were eating. And then he passed out and they skipped him for lunch.

[Aaron Caro]

They didn't even check in the input on plans. Did you. Did you give input or are you just sitting there being like, you know, when we make plans, unless you say something, you're going in the Airbnb that somebody else picked.

[Matt Ritter]

Right, Right. And if you're not the planner of the group, I don't think you should take that as any sort of personal front.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, you, you would love to not be asked for anything.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, yeah. If it's all worked out, you know, sign me up.

[Aaron Caro]

Now, the people not speaking to him that I'm worried about now again, he could just like. Matt, have we ever talked about this? Like when you come to a dinner, a bigger dinner, birthday dinner, maybe it's. Maybe it's like middle, outer circle, and you're kind of sitting at the end.

[Matt Ritter]

So many, there's so many horrible feelings about that. Or how about getting. Showing up late to a big group dinner where you don't know that many people?

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I would never do that.

[Matt Ritter]

You ever been there? Nobody gets up.

[Aaron Caro]

Nobody even like, just gave me the chills.

[Matt Ritter]

The chills, man, the chills. I hate when that happens. We did something the other day. We did something the other day. I, I felt it was out of character for me. And Jess, she ran into one of her good friends, younger sisters. I, I didn't even like, totally remember who it was. And she was sitting with two of her friends and she got up and Jesse started talking to her and I was like standing behind Jesse and these two girls kept eating and we never did that thing. At least cursory intro.

[Aaron Caro]

Someone you didn't even know.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, Jesse knows that person. But there were two girls just sitting There the whole time and I'm like standing over their table and I didn't even do the cursory like, hey, I'm Matt, it's Jess. How we know what your life felt.

[C]

I.

[Matt Ritter]

It felt it was beneath me to do that. I should have, I should have done better in that moment.

[Aaron Caro]

Let me ask you this. So you know how we were talking many, many episodes ago about like the. What was it like the cult of celebrity and hero worship and everything?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

And like I think it's insane that like, like if, like if we went. If we met King Charles, do we have to bow?

[Matt Ritter]

I think I would. You know I'm a monarchist, right?

[Aaron Caro]

No, because that feels out of character for you.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. No, I deeply believe that. It's way better than every four years you flip everything in your entire government upside down and then you do it back the other way. Then you back the other way. Instead of just a family that's been groomed the Lord over us for.

[Aaron Caro]

But they do that anyway in the uk.

[Matt Ritter]

No, no, my point is I'm a real monarchist. Absolute. I want them to be the head of church and state.

[Aaron Caro]

So you want someone in charge of you just because their great great great grandfather, like you know, the Habsburg or something?

[Matt Ritter]

Absolutely. Abs. Absolutely. I mean they are so much. It's just deeply ingrained. They've got that royal blood. You don't believe in royal blood?

[Aaron Caro]

I mean it's got a lot of extra chromosomes in it.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh yeah, I know it's in. But just, but also just that, you know, they've got all those people teaching them from date. You ever see the last emperor, the little one of the Chinese dynasties and huh.

[Aaron Caro]

Eddie Murphy. No, that's the golden child.

[Matt Ritter]

Last ever was just this little kid who was groomed from birth to the emperor and he, you know, he just like had all these people around him teaching him everything about the world.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean he's doing politics at age 7.

[Matt Ritter]

He was, he was having like political meetings at age 7. You know, like when, when in Game of Thrones when like the sun is at the table learning.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, but you're also. The flip side is that you're like some chick, you're at a college party, you meet a guy, you hook up and then 10 years later you're the Queen of England or 30 years later. I mean like, it's insane.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, I don't believe in letting non royals marry in.

[Aaron Caro]

So you really, you're really like, you really like married? Yeah. Okay. All right.

[Matt Ritter]

Let them lord over us.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, that was, that was a really roundabout way to get to.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, yeah. Where were we?

[Aaron Caro]

Well, no, I was making a point. Was that, like, I do like a stand up when a new friend enters.

[Matt Ritter]

That should be a rule on our pod. Stand up. When somebody comes to a table and it's obviously a cold table they're walking into. Get up. Be the one to get up.

[Aaron Caro]

Okay. So interesting. That I want to go back to. I was saying, you're with your friends, your good friends.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay.

[Aaron Caro]

It's not even at a table. You come over to watch a Super Bowl. I. I stand up to greet you.

[Matt Ritter]

Yes. I mean, that should be no brainer. And we have people that we have issues with on that front in our. My unit.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh. So I think that's less of a cut and dry rule than what you're saying.

[Matt Ritter]

Less of a cut and dry rule. Oh. When you see family or friends, you absolutely get up and give them a greeting. I'm saying I want to extend to the cold room where somebody may feel invisible when they walk in. And you know better. I knew better. Like, I. From now on, anytime somebody does that, I want to get off. I want to be the guy that gets up, says, hey, I'm Matt.

[Aaron Caro]

Because you know what? I. What I. In that situation, Matt, I've been there. It's like, you're not the leader in that group. So, like, why didn't the. The other people should have stood up and then you follow, if they, if.

[Matt Ritter]

They falter, you should do it. We should be the leaders. Always. Anytime there's a group and the leader falters, we pick up that slot.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay. So again. Right. Is it in your own head? Probably. Do you want to be part of the planning process? I guess you could be. But what about the, you know, hey, they left him for lunch. I. That's a really bad feeling when people do that. I've had that happen a few times. It doesn't feel good. You're still a little burned about. I think I wasn't even there because I had to miss it for a entertainment biz meeting.

[Aaron Caro]

No. I'm more upset about the people not talking to him than over sleeping. He probably. What if he didn't pick up the phone or no one got him or they had a time to meet?

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, feeling ignored at a group, at a table with your friends. Again, I think you're right. A lot of it is like, is that really happening? But if it is happening, you know, how do you be. How do you sort of change that up?

[Aaron Caro]

Well, Are you making conversation? Are you just waiting for people to talk?

[Matt Ritter]

Be more vocal. Insert yourself. Right. I don't really know what else the answer is there other than inserting yourself.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I have a. We have a tip from a recent episode. If you're a little bit more introverted, and especially in these. In these big groups, you kind of get invisible, make an agenda.

[Matt Ritter]

I love that.

[Aaron Caro]

And nobody else has to see it. Just in your little notes app. I've done it myself. You want to ask Matt about his trip? You want to ask about the, you know, the latest, you know, baseball game you don't have to show anybody. And then you have a. Some conversation about.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I'll take it one step further. I love that. Why? I mean, if you're feeling invisible, share something about yourself, something that's going on. Work, home, whatever. Because you'd be surprised. Your friends probably don't know about it. And that can be the topic of conversation. And that can be something that just even a little like, oh, that's cool, man, from one of your friends will completely shift your headspace.

[Aaron Caro]

I love that. Be a little vulnerable.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, be a little vulnerable. But anyway, listen, let it, you know, enjoy the sleep end.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Hey, you got. Hey, you got some. You got some. Some much needed R R At a Vegas bachelor party I went to, like, a dozen years years ago. This is my buddy Rob from Wall Street. They were all going go karting, and I was kind of like. We went out hard the. The night before. I just kind of, like, shut my phone off, woke up, everybody was gone, you know, leisurely, got showered, everything. They came back full of welts and cuts, and I was like, thank God I didn't do that.

[Matt Ritter]

I did go karting at my brother's bachelor party, but I was only 26 or. He got married young, and so it was fine. But then at 40, somebody invited me to a corporate thing. I'm like, my back is not. I'm not even insured for that.

[Aaron Caro]

You're. And I feel like I'm right behind you because I actually tweaked myself about an hour ago. You're. You're leading with your back in a lot of your decisions.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, yeah, you got to protect the back. You just. Just to get a kid out of a crib. Every day is. It is a danger zone. Every. Every morning when you wake up, just one wrong reach and you're out for three months.

[Aaron Caro]

What does Brenner weigh these days?

[Matt Ritter]

Probably close to 28 pounds. I don't know. He's a big Boy.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. So he's like. He's like a small to medium kettlebell. That's. That's any brick.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

No, I do.

[Matt Ritter]

I do a lot of weights with it. I do a lot of weights with him. It's amazing. I do do, like, squat shoulder press with him. That's a good one.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah. Two hands or one hand?

[Matt Ritter]

Like. Well, two hands. You can't do one hand.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, he'll fly away. Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

You're gonna, like, kill your child. So I think we answered it. Yes, I will say to the friends, I don't think it's cool to ever leave anybody without texting them. Even if you think, oh, yes, if.

[Aaron Caro]

There was no text. That's insane. Please send multiple texts and call them. Guys, this was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram. We'll answer it on the show. So, Matt, what did we. What did we learn today?

[Matt Ritter]

Well, I just wanted to say to our listeners that I sometimes feel invisible. I think Caro acknowledged maybe sometimes he feels invisible too, after you resisted that at first. But I think it's a common feeling that we don't talk about and not just being, you know, I think we all feel invisible sometimes to the world, but it's worse sometimes when you feel it in your own friend circle. So I think there are some little ways to shake it up, but communication, being a vulnerable, coming up with an agenda. Anything else?

[Aaron Caro]

Be the friend.

[Matt Ritter]

Be the friend.

[Aaron Caro]

Be the friend. If you feel like you're being ignored, then you make the plans, make the invite, and, you know, also make it about you.

[Matt Ritter]

You know, like, yeah, you know, you. If you're feeling that way, make it about you. Do an event that you, like, host something in your house.

[Aaron Caro]

We're two guys who. We love to make it about ourselves.

[Matt Ritter]

That's not wrong.

[Aaron Caro]

I call it. I call it. I call it trying to survive in this matmosphere. There's no oxygen for me in this matmosphere.

[Matt Ritter]

Plenty of O2 for you.

[Aaron Caro]

All right, guys, thank you so much. And please write in on Instagram, let us know if you ever have these feelings of invisibility. And always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to your friends.

[Matt Ritter]

Love you, buddy. Love you, buddy.

[C]

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[Matt Ritter]

Hi, Zoe Saldana. Welcome to T Mobile. Here's your new iPhone 16 Pro on us.

[C]

Thanks.

[Matt Ritter]

And here's my old phone to trade in.

[Aaron Caro]

You don't need a trade in.

[Matt Ritter]

When you switch to T mobile, we'll.

[Aaron Caro]

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[Matt Ritter]

Plus we'll help you pay off your old phone. Up to 800 bucks and you still.

[Aaron Caro]

Get to keep it.

[Matt Ritter]

There's always a trade in. Not right now. @ T Mobile. I feel like I have to give you something in return for karma. That's okay. I don't really have much in my purse. Oh, let's see.

[C]

Hand sanitizer.

[Matt Ritter]

It's lavender. I'm good. Seriously.

[C]

Let me check this pocket.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, mints.

[Matt Ritter]

Really, I'm fine. Oh, I have raisins.

[C]

I'm a mom.

[Matt Ritter]

Wait, wait one sec. I've got cupcakes in the car. It's our best iPhone offer ever.

[Aaron Caro]

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[Matt Ritter]

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[Aaron Caro]

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[Matt Ritter]

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[Aaron Caro]

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[Matt Ritter]

If you pay off earlier.

[Aaron Caro]

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