Podcast Summary: Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship

Episode: #138 - Raina Cohen, Author of “The Other Significant Others”
Release Date: July 1, 2025
Hosts: Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo, Bleav
Guest: Raina Cohen, Editor of NPR's Embedded and Author

Introduction

In episode #138 of Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship, hosts Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo welcome Raina Cohen, the editor of NPR's Embedded and author of the insightful book, “The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center.” The episode delves deep into the evolving landscape of friendship, examining historical contexts, societal shifts, and the current "friendship recession" impacting modern relationships.

Historical Perspectives on Friendship

Raina Cohen begins by challenging contemporary views on friendship, highlighting that the modern perception of friendship as a secondary relationship is relatively new. She traces the concept back over a thousand years, citing practices like "sworn brotherhood" in religious ceremonies and "romantic friendships" prevalent from the 17th to 19th centuries.

Raina Cohen [04:11]: "Friendship was not considered this kind of peripheral relationship, but one where you might find your deepest emotional needs met."

Cohen references historical figures such as David and Jonathan from the Hebrew Bible, illustrating the profound emotional bonds that were culturally and socially recognized as foundational relationships.

The Transformation of Marriage and Its Impact

The conversation shifts to how the institution of marriage has evolved and its implications for friendships. Cohen explains that historically, marriage was primarily an economic arrangement rather than one based on romantic love or deep emotional connection.

Raina Cohen [04:21]: "Marriage was an economic institution... the idea that you would be madly in love with your spouse was not expected at all."

This shift towards viewing a spouse as a best friend has inadvertently marginalized friendships, leaving little room for individuals to cultivate significant non-marital relationships.

Social Constructs and Male Friendships

Cohen delves into the modern stigmatization of closeness among men, linking it to the rigid definitions of masculinity and the fear of being perceived as homosexual. This societal pressure discourages men from forming deep, emotionally intimate friendships.

Matt Ritter [09:03]: "We're trying to get men to be more vulnerable and more open with each other."

Cohen disputes the notion that men are inherently worse at forming friendships compared to women, attributing the disparity to contemporary socialization practices rather than innate differences.

Raina Cohen [14:27]: "The idea that men are bad at friendship is something that is extremely contemporary and that indicates that it is not some innate thing about men."

The Friendship Recession

Highlighting alarming statistics, Cohen addresses the current "friendship recession," where 15% of men report having zero close friends. This decline is not only detrimental to men's mental health but also puts undue pressure on their spouses to fulfill all social and emotional needs.

Raina Cohen [12:14]: "Research shows that people are less happy in their marriages when they don't have other people who they are close to outside of the marriage."

The hosts share personal anecdotes and listener stories illustrating the negative impact of this recession, emphasizing the loss of diverse emotional outlets and support systems outside of the marital relationship.

Interrogating Societal Norms and Seeking Solutions

Cohen advocates for a reevaluation of societal norms surrounding masculinity and friendship. She emphasizes the importance of developing social skills intentionally, rather than relying on cultural expectations to guide social interactions.

Matt Ritter [12:14]: "We're trying to disabuse them of these lies that they're telling themselves."

The discussion explores strategies for men to build and maintain meaningful friendships, such as creating structured social environments and fostering vulnerability.

Anecdotes and Real-Life Applications

Throughout the episode, Cohen shares compelling stories that illustrate the challenges and triumphs in forming male friendships. One notable example involves a man named Nick, who navigates his discomfort with physical affection in friendships by dissecting his feelings through a series of questions about morality, culture, and personal preference.

Raina Cohen [25:48]: "Nick realized, like, he actually likes having his friend having his hand on his shoulder."

These narratives underscore the complexities of modern friendships and the necessity of introspection and open communication in overcoming societal barriers.

Conclusion and Resources

As the episode concludes, Raina Cohen provides listeners with resources to further explore the themes discussed. She encourages readers to engage with her book, “The Other Significant Others,” and follow her work on various platforms, including Substack and Instagram.

Raina Cohen [32:53]: "You can find the book wherever books are sold... My name is spelled unusually, so I'm easy to find."

Matt and Aaron express their gratitude to Cohen, urging listeners to invest in their friendships and leverage the insights from the episode to foster stronger, more meaningful relationships.

Matt Ritter [33:22]: "Think it'll blow your mind and just kind of change your entire conception of what friendship is."

Key Takeaways

1. Historical Importance of Friendship: Friendship has historically been a central, deeply emotional relationship, often comparable to family ties.

2. Changing Dynamics of Marriage: The shift from marriage as an economic arrangement to a romantic partnership has inadvertently diminished the emphasis on friendships.

3. Societal Norms and Masculinity: Contemporary societal expectations inhibit men from forming close, emotionally intimate friendships due to fears of stigma and rigid masculinity standards.

4. Friendship Recession: A significant portion of men today lack close friends, leading to adverse effects on personal happiness and marital satisfaction.

5. Building Meaningful Connections: Intentional efforts and societal support are essential in reversing the trend of the friendship recession, emphasizing the need for vulnerability and structured social interactions.

Notable Quotes

• Raina Cohen [04:11]: "Friendship was not considered this kind of peripheral relationship, but one where you might find your deepest emotional needs met."

• Matt Ritter [09:03]: "We're trying to get men to be more vulnerable and more open with each other."

• Raina Cohen [14:27]: "The idea that men are bad at friendship is something that is extremely contemporary and that indicates that it is not some innate thing about men."

Further Resources

• Book: “The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center” by Raina Cohen
• Podcast: NPR's Embedded
• Online Presence: Raina Cohen is available on Substack and Instagram

For listeners seeking to deepen their understanding of friendship dynamics and seeking actionable strategies to build stronger social connections, this episode offers a wealth of knowledge grounded in historical context and contemporary analysis.