#159 - Finding Fringe Friends

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Man of the Year #159 – Finding Fringe Friends

Podcast: Man of the Year – Champions of Friendship
Hosts: Matt Ritter & Aaron Karo
Episode: #159 – Finding Fringe Friends
Date: November 18, 2025
Theme: How to Identify, Approach, and Level Up "Fringe Friends"—the acquaintances who could become real friends

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Matt and Aaron tackle one of the most common listener challenges: how to make new friends without starting from scratch. Rather than expecting listeners to cold-approach total strangers, they turn the spotlight on "fringe friends"—those acquaintances who already exist on the edge of your social circle but haven’t yet become close friends. With their usual mix of wit, debate, and practical tips, the duo breaks down who qualifies as a fringe friend, how to convert them into fuller friendships, and why these “warm leads” are the shortcut in the friendship game.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining "Fringe Friends" (02:17–07:13)

• The hosts debate the parameters of a “fringe friend."

  • Matt: Sees a fringe friend as someone you have substantive conversations with—more than just “hi/bye,” but not someone you’ve hung out with one-on-one.

    “To me, fringe friend is somebody that you had some substantive condos...they don't have to be a friend necessarily yet.” (04:31)

  • Aaron: Pushes for a broader definition—even someone at the gym whose name you know but with whom you’ve never hung out. Lists examples straight from their Audible original:

    “A coworker you like, a guy you work out with at the gym, a classmate you trade notes with, a guy you only see at mutual friends’ birthday parties, a fellow parent you chat with at school drop-off, your neighbor you say hi to while taking out the trash or mowing the lawn.” (05:09)

• Consensus: A fringe friend is anyone in your orbit whose name you know, you interact with occasionally, but you've never socialized one-on-one.

2. Why We Don’t Level Up Fringe Friends (07:40–11:18)

• Barriers identified: Awkwardness, fear of rejection, invisible social boundaries (e.g., "We only ever talk at the gym").

• Matt:

  “We set up all these invisible social boundaries… There is no rule that says it has to end there.” (07:40)

• Aaron:

  “Way less weird than talking to a stranger.” (11:14)

• Both agree it’s easier and less risky to deepen an existing acquaintance than to approach someone totally new.

3. Practical Tips: How to Level Up a Fringe Friend (09:10–32:33)

A. Make a List of Your Fringe Friends (10:03)

• Homework: List out all your fringe friends—neighbors, coworkers, that guy from the gym—to identify good candidates.

B. Take Action, Don’t Wait (17:00–18:28)

• Aaron:

  “Be the friend. Right, guys, you’re not gonna wait for this guy to invite you to something, and you are going to invite him…” (17:53)

  • Don’t expect them to make the first move. You have to put yourself out there.

C. Get Their Number & Make a Specific Plan (18:28–21:07)

• When you see them next, don’t let the moment pass—get their number, suggest a casual activity, and put something on the calendar.
• Matt:

  “Your goal should be to anchor it to something that you know they're into.” (18:59)

  • But don’t fake interest in something you hate ("If he plays golf and you don’t play golf, you're not gonna say...").

D. The “Small Group Approach” (19:32–20:30)

• Intermediate step: Instead of going straight to a one-on-one, invite them to join a small group activity with a mutual friend for comfort:

  “Is there a move of making the group smaller and smaller before we just get to the one-on-one hang?... Me and so-and-so are going on a hike, you said you’re into that – why don’t you come along?” (19:27)

E. Investigative Moves: Social Media & Small Talk (21:14–25:01)

• Follow them on social media to learn more about their interests or use as an initial soft connection.
• When in conversation, use cues or direct questions to discover shared interests: "Are you a concert guy? A whiskey guy?" (24:03)
• Compliments are always a good way in:

  “Like, you know, I like a column, you know, dude, you look, you're like, how about, what's your workout?” (25:32)

F. Lower the Barrier with Low-Stakes Invites (28:53–29:41)

• Keep the invite easy, specific, and time-limited (grab a 10-minute coffee, not an all-day plan).

  “I'm gonna go grab a coffee before I hit the office. Do you have 10 minutes?” (29:20)

4. Listener Q&A: Turning an “Almost Friend” into a Real Friend (16:29–27:36)

• Listener asks: “How do I hang out with a ‘party friend’ one-on-one without it feeling awkward?”
• Hosts Stress:
  • Get their number if you don’t already have it.
  • Don’t wait for invites—proactively suggest something based on their known interests.
  • Use mutual friends to help facilitate a smaller hang if jumping to one-on-one feels too abrupt.
  • If you don’t hit it off, accept it’s sometimes just not meant to become a full friendship.

Notable Quote:

“We want to convert a vibe into hanging out… now you’re stuck in this, ‘Hey, this feels fun every time you see this person.’ We all have these friends that we've never converted. Some of them maybe are just never meant to be converted.” (27:11)

5. Reframing Mindsets: You Have "Cheat Codes" (09:10–32:19)

• Most people think they have to start at “level zero” with a stranger. Matt and Aaron argue you’re already on “level two or three” with fringe friends, making friend-making much easier.
  • Matt:

    "Use our cheat codes. You’re not starting at level zero. Start at level two or three or five." (32:11)

• The goal: move them from “fringe friend” to “binge friend”—someone you hang out with regularly and count as a real friend.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Matt botching the Audible URL:
  Leads to a playful riff about backslashes, coding, and childhood influences.

  “Backslash has always been in my mind most days." (01:48)

• Aaron’s Instagram “culling” ritual:

  "I did my annual—I generated a list—of who I follow on Instagram who doesn't follow me back. I culled. I culled." (21:47)

• Banter about earwax, pimple popping, and ENT visits:
  Provides comic relief and tangential bonding over odd hygiene habits.

  “They do it with a...like a suction? Yeah, they’re like, 'Oh, I’m surprised. You’ve been, like, basically deaf for the past six months.'” (12:45)

• “DTF: Down To Friend” and “OTF: Open To Friendship.” (09:10, 27:36)
• Cult classic reference:
  Matt: “It’s like that movie They Live, right. Where Roddy Roddy Piper puts on the special sunglasses and he can see that everybody’s an alien.” (30:21)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Defining Fringe Friends: 02:17–07:13
• Why We Don’t Level Up Fringe Friends: 07:40–11:18
• How to Make the Move: 09:10–32:33
  • Homework: List your fringe friends (10:03)
  • Making the first move advice (17:00–18:28)
  • Listener Q&A on “almost friends” (16:29–27:36)
  • Low-stake invitations (28:53–29:41)
• Reframing the Friendship Game: 09:10–32:19
• Memorable banter (lawnmowers, earwax, pimple popping): 05:25–13:41

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Actionable Advice

• Make a list of your fringe friends right now.
• Pick someone from that list and invite them to a low-key activity.
• Don’t overthink the “ask”—simple, direct, time-limited invitations are best.
• Be the initiator—don’t wait for the other person.
• If you want, use a mutual friend or small group as a bridge to deepen the bond.
• Not every fringe friend will become a close friend, but most people are more receptive than you think.

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Final Thoughts

Matt and Aaron sum up that most meaningful friendships aren’t started from zero but grown from the “warm leads” already in your life. Moving from fringe to full friendship requires courage to act—but it’s far less awkward, and far more successful—than cold-approaching strangers. Their parting reminder: “Be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.” (32:49)

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Transcript

[Aaron Caro]

Foreign. Of the year.

[Matt Ritter]

Man of the year. Man of the year. Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Matt Ritter.

[Aaron Caro]

I'm Aaron Caro.

[Matt Ritter]

Guys, we are stoked. You know, we're stoked. Some of you are already listening to our brand new Audible original, the Buddy System. If you haven't checked it out, it's everything from the pod and all of our newer tips and hacks and our 39 years of friendship on how to make and maintain friendships and build rituals like the awesome one that we have. So please check it out. It's audible.com thebuddy system.

[Aaron Caro]

Matt, can you just do that URL one more time for me?

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, no, more backslash.

[Aaron Caro]

So it's audible.com thebuddy system. So, Matt, you know how occasionally we'll do a correction on the show? Occasionally?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, one of us has to admit that they're wrong, et cetera, et cetera. This is the opposite of that in that you were wrong. Actually, even worse than I thought you were.

[Matt Ritter]

How so?

[Aaron Caro]

First of all, it's a forward slash. Matt's been saying audible.com backslash the buddy system. It's not even the right slash.

[Matt Ritter]

It's not even the right angle. It's. It's the. It's the. You went the wrong.

[Aaron Caro]

You've been telling people the wrong address.

[Matt Ritter]

What is backslash?

[Aaron Caro]

Backslash is like you never use it. It's for a file. If you're like in the doc.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, that's like coding. Oh, that's like a coder. Only coders. Oh. Because my dad was. Had a software company. That's where I get. The backslash has always been in my head.

[Aaron Caro]

It's always been in your head.

[Matt Ritter]

It's always. I've always. Backslash has always been in my mind most days.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. So whatever the opposite of a correction is, you were wrong twice as bad.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, God, I'm sorry. There's people trying to like, pull up code on. They're inside Audible's algorithm probably.

[Aaron Caro]

No one's ever done a backslash. They just seeing the bits and bops.

[Matt Ritter]

The dots, you know, they're seeing just like the black screen with the white. Like the old school Internet.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, it's like a matrix.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Aaron Caro]

Backslash.

[Matt Ritter]

Wow. Well, my apologies. So, Kira, we've been getting some variation of this question, which I'll get into later from a listener question, but just this topic about, you know, hey, how do we. How do we. And where do we make these friends? Where. Where. Where do we make. Where's Everybody making friends, right. And we always try to say, hey, let's make your life easier. Let's go for the low hanging fruit. Let's not assume we're just starting from scratch and we have to go to a bar or go to some soccer league and show up and meet a total stranger. We advocate for this, especially in the book. We advocate for you starting from some of the more obvious sources. And one of those is fringe friends. It's somebody who you feel good about, you hang out with on occasion, but probably not one on one and you know, probably not very consistently. You may have their number, you may not, but it's somebody that you've had more than, you know, just casual convos about with and you feel there's a real friendship there. So I wanted to talk about that this week about, hey, who are the people that we should be trying to make friends with? I mean, when you think of fringe friends as a target, who do you think of as, as kind of your main sort of source for that?

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I would say actually we usually talk about fringe friends even broader. I mean, you're, you're almost talking about people you already have a, some sort of friendship with. You know, we've, I think in, in, in audible, we talk about like, it's just, it's someone that you, you know each other's name.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, like if, if you see the same guy at the gym every day. Like I had, I wasn't friends with that person, but they were a fringe friend.

[Matt Ritter]

If you're saying hi and bye, you're an acquaintance. I don't agree with that.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, you're talking about, you know, your neighbor who you lived next to but you've never had a beer with. I mean, what does that count as?

[Matt Ritter]

Well, that's a neighbor. I think that's its own separate category because there's a built in, like consist. There's a built in identified sort of thing there. Yeah, I, I think fringe friend. To me, fringe friend is somebody that you had some substantive condos. They don't have to be a friend necessarily yet. I mean, that's what, that's why fringe friend is amorphous. We're debating what the actual parameters of fringe vendor. I mean, you want to make it broad, fine. You know, the guy at the gym you say hi to every now and then.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, listen, I'm just quoting our, I went back to look at when we defined it in the audible original. Went, I went to the source. Yeah, you said, this is what you said.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay.

[Aaron Caro]

A coworker you like a guy you work out with at the gym, A classmate you trade notes with, a guy you only see at mutual friends birthday parties, a fellow parent you chat with at school. Drop off your neighbor you say hi to while taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. And then they make fun of you because you've never mowed your lawn.

[Matt Ritter]

Yes, because we have fake grass. But I have in the past when we had real grass.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

And I did it growing up. Every, Every whatever. Every couple of weeks we had a really crappy lawnmower. Like a really old school one.

[Aaron Caro]

You had the one where you like grass cutting.

[Matt Ritter]

You push. Push cart.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, man. My. My next door neighbor. Remember Kenny?

[Matt Ritter]

Of course. How can you forget Kenny?

[Aaron Caro]

His. His dad, you know, was My. His family was living next door us.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

His dad ran his foot over with one of those things.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh. Oh. And, and. And blood. And.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh yeah. Like I believe a toe was, was. Was very badly damaged and my parents drove him to the hospital.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh my God.

[Aaron Caro]

He just showed up with a. With at the front door with a toe in one hand and a.

[Matt Ritter]

And a bunch of grass in a bag. Help me fish out my toe. It's in this bag.

[Aaron Caro]

Have you ever. Have you ever rode a lot riding lawnmower?

[Matt Ritter]

No. No.

[Aaron Caro]

Seems like it'll be fun.

[Matt Ritter]

It would be fun. You need a big property for that.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, yeah. To have a. Yeah. To have a riding lawnmower. Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

If you tell somebody I have a riding lawnmower, you know, they're. They're doing well.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Okay, I interrupted you. So what do you think about this? About your definition?

[Matt Ritter]

That's why I like. I love my definition. Except you made it seem like you're the guy you work at when I say work. When you say work out with, that means you're like working out with you said guy you see at the gym. Those are different.

[Aaron Caro]

Okay.

[Matt Ritter]

Fair.

[Aaron Caro]

Fair. Yeah. You know, I think that's a good look.

[Matt Ritter]

I think we could add to that list, but I think that's a good starting point of people.

[Aaron Caro]

I'd say a person you have never hung out one on one with.

[Matt Ritter]

I agree.

[Aaron Caro]

You know each other's name, you may not have their number. And I think that's the, you know, you're not going to make friends with your car mechanic. But you know, if you see a friend, another guy drop off every day, you've never hung out with him or you have a co worker who you've never hung out with outside the office. Fringe. Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

And. And I think you Know, again, there's certain things you have to ask yourself, Right. First is why haven't we hung out? So most of the time it's just because nobody's, you know, crossed that. What we call the invisible boundary. Right. We talked about this on in the Audible that we. We've set up all these invisible social boundaries, like, oh, you're a dad, I'm a dad. We see each other at the school drop off and that's when we converse. And even if we're having a good time, that's where it ends. There is no rule that says it has to end there. There is no rule that you can't invite somebody you met at the gym to go get a smoothie afterwards. I don't know. Is that what people do?

[Aaron Caro]

As you were saying that, I saw your brain go.

[Matt Ritter]

I meant protein shake. Protein shake.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. I mean, you've got people you work with, you've got neighbors. There's no reason why they have to stay like that. And what we try to tell listeners is that you could meet a complete stranger. And we have tips for that. But before we get there, let's start with the people you already know. Right? Let's. Let's start on level two already. At least you know this person. You know, they're, you know, you know, if they're nice and normal now. What you don't know is if they're DTF down to friend or OTF open.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. And I love what you said there. We need our audience to understand you're not starting at level zero. A lot of people want to start from level zero. You don't have to. It's hard at levels. Level zero is the hardest level to start at in the game. We have the Mike Tyson's Punch out shortcut codes. We're giving you the shortcut codes.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

073-735-5963. I don't know if that's right. Yeah, we're giving you the shortcut. You know, we're not saying, hey, we're giving you a shortcut to make it automatic that you're gonna, you know, be bffs with somebody. But we're trying to just instill in your mind that you're not starting on level. You don't always have to start at level zero. You don't have to put, put push a boulder up a mountain. There's, there's ways to just make this a gentle fake hike like the, like the one we do in Runyon Canyon Run out here in la.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. So I think, you know Our, Our. Our little bit of. What's it called? Is it call to action or homework? Yes, just make a list. I mean, you could do this in your notes app or just do it while you're listening to us right now. Who are your fringe friends? Who are your acquaintances or people that you know, that you know their name, they know your name, but you're not friends with them yet. Co work again? Co worker, neighbor. Just guy you see around the neighborhood. Let's start there from this list and see if we could find someone we want to. Can level up.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah. And I, I think again, we have to go back to the why this isn't happening a little bit. I want to back up to it. Feels awkward, right? Feels. Feels weird. I don't know. Right? Like, I want to just go back to like the mindset of like, why haven't you asked your neighbor for a beer? Or why haven't you asked the guy at the gym? Or why haven't you asked the data? Because it feels awkward. Feels uncomfortable. They're gonna say no. Well, actually, they're probably gonna say yes.

[Aaron Caro]

Also way less weird than talking to a stranger.

[Matt Ritter]

Way less weird. But I think maybe. Here's what I think. I think maybe with a stranger, you know, you never see them again. If it gets. If it's weird, that's.

[Aaron Caro]

That's fair. I guess that's fair. Well, I suppose. Do you. Do you think it's important to talk about getting the digits or. He's sneezing. Bless you. By the way, if you're listening to us, you could also watch us for free on YouTube and you could see Matt sneeze.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. If that's something you're into. Is there a sneeze? Like, only feeds?

[Aaron Caro]

Yes.

[Matt Ritter]

Knees porn.

[Aaron Caro]

Do you. I assume you don't. But, like, what do you think about, like, the pimple popping?

[Matt Ritter]

Love it.

[Aaron Caro]

Really.

[Matt Ritter]

It's the best. Ew.

[Aaron Caro]

You watch like Pimple Popper MD or whatever?

[Matt Ritter]

I don't watch it, but I, I don't watch any of that weird stuff. But I'm just saying if I, if I get a glimpse of it, it's. It's intoxicating. If I get a glimpse of them in some, like, random village in India with just a pair of tweezers and they pull like a 40 foot tube of earwax out of somebody's ear who's like 110 years old. Man, that is, that is intriguing.

[Aaron Caro]

Didn't you once have like a huge piece of ear rocks pull out a year?

[Matt Ritter]

Well, I, I Get my. They do it with a, like, Like a suction? Yeah, like. Yeah, they're like, oh, I'm surprised. You've been, like, basically deaf for the past six months.

[Aaron Caro]

You've had it more than once.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, but I go in every, like, I'd say going probably every two years. You never go in to get your ears cleaned?

[Aaron Caro]

I've never even heard of that.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, it's very common. Very common to get you wax build up. A lot of people have wax build up in their ears because most people are using Q tips and shoving them down.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I don't use Q tips. You're not supposed to use QTips in your ear.

[Matt Ritter]

Right, right. A lot of people use them and they shove them down. I. I happen to get sinus infections easily, so that backs me up.

[Aaron Caro]

What kind of doctor do you go to an ent?

[Matt Ritter]

So that's one of the services they offer, the clean out. It's like a colonoscopy for your ear or like a. Like a. What's that thing people do? The cleanse. It's like a cleanse for your ear. It's in your cleanse.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, my God. What the hell were we talking about?

[Matt Ritter]

I don't know, but it's very common. Ear cleanses. It's very, very. Hey, should we just take a listener question? Because it'll hit a lot of these things.

[Aaron Caro]

Before we do listeners, will you please reach out to us if you regularly get your ears cleaned by an ent? No response to Matt. All right, we'll be right back.

[Matt Ritter]

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Federally insured by NCUA okay, guys, this is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram man of your podcast and we will answer it on the show. Matt, take it away.

[Matt Ritter]

Hey, Matt and Caro. I've got a quote unquote friend I see at parties or group hangs. Every time we talk, it's great, but it never goes beyond that. I'd actually like to be real friends. Like hang out one on one text, sometimes be in each other's lives. How do I do that without it feeling awkward? I mean, this is exactly what we're talking about. So this is the. The almost friend.

[Aaron Caro]

What was the. What was the first line about how they hang out?

[Matt Ritter]

I see them at parties or group hangs. What you were talking about. They've never hung out one on one.

[Aaron Caro]

Okay, Almost friend.

[Matt Ritter]

The almost friend. It sounds like, you know, you vibe, you laugh chemistry. No momentum. That's the problem, right? There's no momentum here. You could see them, you know, every party and that's it, right? You're basically stuck in. I will only see this person that I could. That could be A friend at parties, unless I act on this. So it's actually, you know, like, I almost am like, you have to do this because you've got. It's like, this is the thing where it's like, you must do this because you have a friend. You're. Oh, I don't have friends. This is a friend waiting to happen right here.

[Aaron Caro]

What I like about this also is if this is someone you've kind of already know through social settings, you have a basic gist about how they are as a person, a friend, you know, you've got social. They've got social credibility. So that's good. So I would say, you know, okay, there's a couple ways to go about it, Matt. I mean, the first step is, like, if you don't have their number, do you want to just get into a texting relationship first, or do you combine them and say, hey, dude, you know, let's. Matt, let's repeat our number one tip. Be the friend. Right, guys, you're not gonna wait for this guy to invite you to something, and you are going to invite him to something because if you wait for him to invite you for something, you will be waiting for the rest of your life.

[Matt Ritter]

That's right. And I. I think inviting. You know, you said, should you get the digits or should you just go move towards an invite or should you combine them? You know, definitely you should get the digits. But I also think the next time you hang out, you should be prepared to pick an activity and make it real. Get something on the calendar. Right. So I think your goal should be to anchor it to something that, you know they're into.

[Aaron Caro]

Right now. Here's the. Here's the million dollar question, Matt. You have to choose something that you also. You don't want to fake something that you.

[Matt Ritter]

That's right. That's right.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. Okay. But if you're. If you're this guy, I'm trying to think of a good example, like, because, you know, I'd be down to just try something this guy does. Yeah, whatever. I'd be, you know, if he plays golf and you don't play golf, you're not gonna say, hey, first of all.

[Matt Ritter]

It'S a disaster waiting to happen.

[Aaron Caro]

But if this guy does a run club and you run, you know, be like, hey, let's check it out.

[Matt Ritter]

All right, let me pitch this. Okay, so it sounds like they've hung out in groups. Is there a move of making the group smaller and smaller before we just get to the one on one hang? Right. If it's just the groups and parties. Maybe there's a. Maybe there's a move here to go, hey, me and so and so are going on a hike. You said you're into that. Why don't you come along? You know, we'd love to have you or like me and so. And so we're grabbing a drink. You know, you should come.

[Aaron Caro]

So this. I don't even know if we've ever talked about this, which is ganging up, taking one of your existing friends to make a new.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

So that would, that would be the assumption that me. You were in a group. We see some other third person at parties a bunch.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

And we both invite them to something.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. This is just something I thought of.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, if you're in that specific situation.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, clearly if you're seeing this person in social situations, you have a mutual friend, right?

[Matt Ritter]

You have mutual friends. Exactly. That's why I was, that's why I was pitching it. I was like, you and the mutual friend, we're going to go do something next time. Next time you do something with that mutual friend, go, hey, you know who I like and make it clear, like, you know, I wanted to get closer to John. Like.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

Cool, cool, cool. And then, you know, the other thing you're talking about, what should you do? So sometimes you just get a vibe. Right. Sometimes you have activity friends that you make through an activity, but here you're just getting like a vibe, friend chemistry, you know, just. I like this guy's style.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

So you don't really. May not even really know what they're into, which is what you're talking about. So I think it should be something that you're into.

[Aaron Caro]

Let me ask you this. What do you think about following this guy on Instagram?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I'm okay with that. I'm good with all that.

[Aaron Caro]

Just. Just a. Kind of. Kind of randomly.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, yeah, it's not that random if you're already hung out. Right. There's nothing weird about it if you've already, you know, been around this person and like had convos with them.

[Aaron Caro]

Matt, you know what? I just did sort of a. Sort of an annual talk about your annual ear clean out. I did my annual. I generated a list of who I follow on Instagram, who doesn't follow me back.

[Matt Ritter]

You generate. How do you do that?

[Aaron Caro]

So you can download all the apps now. You could download your data and like a Excel spreadsheet and then there's like a website that will compare who you follow and who follows you.

[Matt Ritter]

Then you called it culling. The culling. Did you call?

[Aaron Caro]

I called. I called.

[Matt Ritter]

Now, how big of a calling was it?

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, I don't really follow that many people. I probably. I probably unfollowed, like, 50 people, and that included some non culling, and that includes some, you know. You know, I have very strict Instagram hygiene, and I don't even use it that much anymore, which is. I don't follow anybody I've never met.

[Matt Ritter]

Right.

[Aaron Caro]

But I'll occasionally I'll follow, like, a store or from trying to write a script off, and I want to, like, learn more about something. I also unfollowed a bunch of those things, but. And there were one or two things that I'm like, maybe this person unfollowed me or something.

[Matt Ritter]

But.

[Aaron Caro]

Anyway, just thought you'd appreciate the calling happened.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. So, yes, you. You can do that. You can message on that. That way. That's a way to do it.

[Aaron Caro]

No, no, I wasn't even saying that, Matt. I was just saying follow them to, like, a. Learn more about them, but also to, like, be. Be that as your initial move.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm down with that. Look, I think the key of all this is people want permission. We want to lower the barrier. We want to. Somebody has to make the first move. So be that. Be, like we said, be the friend. Be the person who makes the first move. You know, it's always great to see. I think it's like, dude, it's always great to see you. Why aren't we hanging out?

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

You like that?

[Aaron Caro]

I like that a lot. I mean, you know, I'm just trying to think of, like, being prepared with. Because you need to know what this guy is into in order to invite him to something, you know? But apparently, you know, if you've seen him enough. Yeah, right.

[Matt Ritter]

Next time you see him, maybe that's it. Like, your homework is next time you see him, figure out what he's into.

[Aaron Caro]

How do you think we do that?

[Matt Ritter]

Well, you just ask, right? You Concert Guy.

[Aaron Caro]

You Concert Guy.

[Matt Ritter]

That's how I do it.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, in our. In our Whiskey Guy. Yeah, okay, that's good. I mean, I'm just gonna run Club Guy. Stop it now. You just.

[Matt Ritter]

Your wife guy.

[Aaron Caro]

I want to direct people to episode 184. No, episode 84, where we talk about small talk, where Matt doesn't know what small talk is. He just starts a medium talk. This isn't that. But I'm just saying, you just walk up.

[Matt Ritter]

I know what it is. I'm just changing. I'm. I change definitions.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you a whiskey guy? That's interesting because then you're sort of using what you like. I don't know if that would work because they're gonna be like, what's such a random question? No, it works because another way. Yes. And another way would be like, what's your. I sometimes I say, what's your drink of choice?

[Matt Ritter]

That's good. Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Okay.

[Matt Ritter]

And then they may go, I don't drink. And then you go, great, I'm gonna take you to a non alcoholic bar.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. I guess this friendship is over before it began.

[Matt Ritter]

No, there's no. The non alcoholic movement. That's where you take them.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, I think it's just direct. What, you into pickleball?

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

No. Like, why are we beating around the bush? You went to pickleball? I'm in this pickleball league.

[Aaron Caro]

What about compliments?

[Matt Ritter]

Always good.

[Aaron Caro]

Like, you know, I like a column. You know, dude, you look, you're like, how about, what's your workout? I mean, if they are in good shape, like, what's your workout regimen? What's your. What do you do people love?

[Matt Ritter]

You always want people to ask you see, and go, I do care of it.

[Aaron Caro]

It's KFX care of it extreme.

[Matt Ritter]

Or I loved. I love Dr. Dave's quote. Did we talk about this quote?

[Aaron Caro]

Yes, but, but, but Matthew, in typical fashion, that's my line that he likes of mine.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, that was your line?

[Aaron Caro]

Yes, he lives by my credo.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay, fine. So say it. It's your credo.

[Aaron Caro]

So I, I said to one of our mutual friends, as far as, like, my fitness philosophy is I'm always two weeks from being in the best shape of my life. It might have been four weeks, I'm not sure. Which means.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, we agreed it was two.

[Aaron Caro]

Okay, okay, so two.

[Matt Ritter]

And then I said I could do three.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. I think we're also in our late mid-40s right now.

[Matt Ritter]

I don't think you should get past a month.

[Aaron Caro]

I don't think it works if it's past a month.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, so.

[Aaron Caro]

And, and what that, what that means is that like, I'm not. Listen, I ran a triathlon this year, do marathons. I'm not in like tip top shape right now, but like, if you give me 15 days, two weeks, three weeks.

[Matt Ritter]

I think it's three weeks. I think you should always stay within three weeks of the best shape of your life, if you can. Right.

[Aaron Caro]

So we told our, our buddy Dr. Dave and I told him this like seven years ago and he's like, I think about it every day.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. And then he had the most carbs he's ever had in 10 years.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, I think he, like, oh man. I think he had, what's it called, like a brain freeze. A carb freeze. But also, what about complimenting their clothes?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I mean, look, I, I'm with all of that. I'm with all that, but I think the, the main, the main goal is we want to convert a vibe into hanging out. Right? Like now you're stuck in this. Hey, this feels fun. Every time you see this person. We all have these friends that we've never converted. We all these just. And some of them maybe are just never meant to be converted. What do you think about that? Some of them are never meant to be converted.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, listen, there are some people who are not otf, so they're not open to friendship at that moment. This is a minority of people we found in our work in the field that most guys actually are. Need friends are open to friendship, but occasionally you have someone who's not open to it and that's fine. Practice, radical self awareness. I realize what they're not down to friend at this moment, but most guys actually are wandering through life waiting for somebody to invite them to something.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I think that's right. I think that's right. So, you know, I think again, I. The things you need are an activity, the number and a little bit of momentum here. So, you know, let's, let's. And by the way, just getting together that first time, that's. That's the hard part, right? Then you're like, then your friends, then you can just text them all the time or whatever. Then you can just. Then you just make a plan with them.

[Aaron Caro]

And before we run out of time, I just wanted to mention also, like, what about people that you're not. I mean, this guy's already seeing his, this person in a social situation. You know, what's the version of this for your. The other parent at drop off or something like that?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, look, the version is taking them to what we call the fourth place. We did this in our third place one. I think it's similar though. What we said was, you know, if you see somebody in a third place all the time, one way to level them up is to get them out of there. If you just see them at the coffee shop or you just play basketball, get it out of there. So if you're at the drop off, the easiest thing is, hey, I'M going to grab a coffee around the corner. Something really easy for them to say yes to. Him going for a coffee around the corner. Do you want to come? Do you have 10 minutes?

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

That's my advice.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. One thing we never talked about is putting a time clock on. On it so the other person, like, doesn't feel pressured.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. That's what I'm saying. Like, it's so easy to say yes if I go, hey, have 10 minutes. I'm gonna go grab a coffee before I hit the office.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Matt Ritter]

Everything that says, hey, I. I like your company. I want to have a little bit more of a substantive convo with you than our, you know, two minute high buy at the. At the drop off. It says a lot in that one sentence.

[Aaron Caro]

Do. Do we answer the question?

[Matt Ritter]

I think so. I'm excited for this person. Let us know how it goes. Let us know if you get the digits and if you end up going somewhere and how you ask them to go somewhere. I'm very curious, guys.

[Aaron Caro]

I was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram and we'll answer it on the show. All right, Matt, any final thoughts about identifying the Glengarry leads? The warm leads?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, they're everywhere. They're at work, they're at the coffee shop, they're at the gym. They're there every. You know, it's like that movie they Live, right. Where Roddy. Roddy Piper puts on the special sunglasses and he can see that everybody's an alien. You ever see that?

[Aaron Caro]

In 39 years of friendship, in three years of podcasting, that is the most obscure movie I've ever.

[Matt Ritter]

They live.

[Aaron Caro]

Never heard of it. And yeah, 1988.

[Matt Ritter]

88. Yeah. He's got these special glasses and you can see that everybody's an alien.

[Aaron Caro]

Wow. It was number one at the North American box office.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh. Oh, well, actually, I made money. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. John Carpenter. It's not. It's not that obscure. It's got a cult following.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, I was gonna say, you know, the friend. I can't. Is it. Was this in the. I don't know, you know, strangers. There's friends you haven't met yet, right? That's. Yeah. Yates. Yeets. Yates. Yeah, but this is, like, one step. This is like. These are people, you friends. This is just a guy that's not your. I mean, this not a stranger.

[Matt Ritter]

This person is one text away from being your friend.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. You're.

[Matt Ritter]

You're.

[Aaron Caro]

You're already, like, halfway there. This person 1.

[Matt Ritter]

One coffee, one concert, one dinner away from being your friend.

[Aaron Caro]

Right? So when you're. For our listeners who are trying to make new friends or maybe they move to a new place. Let's. Let's look at your fringe friends first. I mean, we call it fringe friends, but you know, acquaintances. Fringe friends. People you know, your, your co workers, people you've. Again, people who. You know their name. Before you start spiraling out about now I gotta meet randos. Start with the, the French friends.

[Matt Ritter]

As I said, use our cheat codes. You're not starting it level zero. Start at level two or three or five.

[Aaron Caro]

And since we never even said it in this episode, do you know what happens after? What's the next step after a fringe friend? You're trying to make them into a binge friend. A binge friend. Someone you hang out with all the time and you call your boy.

[Matt Ritter]

So, guys, please check out the audible, original audible.com forward/the buddy system.

[Aaron Caro]

And you can also check our stuff [e-mail] thank you for listening. Always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.

[Matt Ritter]

Love you too.

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Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

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