#161 - Friendship FOMO

Summary

Podcast Summary: Man of the Year – Champions of Friendship

Episode #161: Friendship FOMO

Hosts: Matt Ritter & Aaron Karo
Date: December 2, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Matt and Aaron dive into the complicated topic of "Friendship FOMO" (Fear of Missing Out)—how it’s experienced, what causes it in friend groups, and practical ways to manage it from both sides. Mixing personal anecdotes, listener questions, and earnest advice, the hosts explore the emotions surrounding exclusion, the etiquette of inviting friends, and the social dynamics of adult friendships—especially in the age of social media.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Launch Party & Memories of Exclusion

• Matt reflects on hosting a book launch party and feeling guilt over potentially leaving someone off the invite list.
• He connects this feeling back to a high school party where he and Aaron were almost left out:
  • Matt (02:09): “All you had to do was turn over the piece of white lined paper and there our names would have been.”
  • Aaron (02:14): “Yeah, we were number one in your heart, number 47 on the guest list.”
• This segues into the theme of FOMO, especially when social media amplifies the awareness of gatherings one was left out of.

2. The Origins of “FOMO” and “FOBO”

• Aaron shares that FOMO was coined in 2004 by a Harvard Business School student, and also mentions "FOBO" (Fear of Better Offer).
  • Aaron (06:46): “It was a Harvard Business School student writing in the Harvard Business School paper… He also coined FOBO, fear of better offer, which didn’t catch on.”
• Matt jokes about their own attempts to launch new social acronyms, like "LUMOs" (level up moments).

3. Causes and Consequences of Friendship FOMO

• Matt explores his tendency to be "over-inclusive" and the lingering guilt when someone might feel left out (08:10).
• The hosts discuss the reality that sometimes, limited resources (like event tickets) restrict who can be invited, and that FOMO can be intensified by both large and intimate gatherings:
  • Matt (09:07): “I think there’s FOMO if it’s a really big party and if it’s an intimate thing, like eight people or less, where you think you’re in a ring.”
• Aaron explains the importance of security within a friend group to minimize negative FOMO. If everyone knows their place, sporadic exclusion stings less.

4. Navigating Exclusion and Communication

• There’s a distinction between the generic FOMO (“That looks fun”) and the more pointed, painful “Why wasn’t I invited?” kind.
  • Aaron (10:30): “There’s two types of FOMO… Oh man, that looks so fun. And this FOMO of like, WTF, why wasn’t I invited?”
• The hosts emphasize that it’s normal to occasionally be excluded and that it doesn’t necessarily signify a problem in the friendship.
• Aaron (12:18): “If you’re making plans and excluding someone… just make other plans with the other person for another time.”
• Making up for missed events by intentionally scheduling one-on-one time can strengthen friendships more than simply squeezing everyone into one big event.

5. When Exclusion Might Be Intentional

• Aaron outlines a framework for evaluating patterns:
  • How often is exclusion happening?
  • What’s the context—was the gathering meaningful to you?
  • Is the exclusion recurring and deliberate, or incidental due to logistics?
• If a pattern emerges, they recommend addressing it gently and not jumping to conclusions.

6. Listener Question: Should I Pay for a Friend Who Can’t Afford the Trip?

• Listener Eric writes in about wanting to cover a friend's costs for a group trip without making that friend uncomfortable or awkward.
• Matt’s advice (20:31): Handle it one-on-one, make it “a fait accompli,” and frame it as “we need you there.”
  • Aaron: “It’s not gonna be fun without you. I’m doing this selfishly—because it’s not gonna be fun without you.”
• The hosts agree that, in adult friendships, splitting costs is part of “the cost of doing business,” and the true harm would be the friend missing out, not the temporary awkwardness.
  • Matt (24:05): “Money is not the only contribution… your presence is your contribution.”

7. Tactical Tips to Counter FOMO

• Become the plan-maker: If you’re worried about being left out, initiate your own events to inject yourself into your friends’ consciousness.
  • Matt (29:36): “One good way to not get excluded from things is to be the plan maker. Be the friend, the host… sometimes you need to recirculate yourself into people’s minds.”
• Give friends the benefit of the doubt: Look at the bigger picture and patterns over time before confronting someone about exclusion.
  • Matt (28:49): “We always say, most people just aren’t thinking about you, they’re busy.”
• Low-pressure communication: Instead of a confrontation, simply expressing that you saw an event and would have loved to be there can gently telegraph your desire for inclusion.
  • Matt (31:16): “That looks so fun. Love to see you guys.”
  • Aaron (31:23): “You can even be more passive… like, ‘I love whiskey’ or something like that.”

8. Social Media’s Role in FOMO

• Both hosts agree social media amplifies FOMO by making every gathering visible, but remind listeners not everything is as it appears online.
  • Matt (33:15): “Not everything is what it seems… People could be like, ‘Oh, I thought you said you weren’t going out.’”

9. Introducing "JOMO" – The Joy of Missing Out

• Aaron refers to JOMO as an antidote to FOMO, relishing the peace of missing an event.
  • Aaron (33:34): “I call JOMO ‘Joy of Missing Out’… I always say, ‘have fun.’ That’s Caro’s line.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Matt: “We rip on each other, we laugh, we give you self help on how to make friends. If you’re starting from absolute zero, total effing strangers…” (00:57)
• Aaron: “You’re not doing this all the time… your friend is not on your tab. You’re not paying—he’s not your dependent… The bigger cost would be him not being there.” (22:45)
• Matt, on social media FOMO: “Not everything is what it seems… People could be like, ‘Oh, I thought you said you weren’t going out.’” (33:15)
• Aaron: “I always say—have fun. You want to come to this kid’s birthday party? Have fun.” (33:54)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:12 — Sports team loyalty tangent; LA Dodgers vs. NY Mets
• 06:06 — The true origin of “FOMO” & “FOBO”
• 08:10 — Guilt about causing FOMO in others
• 10:30 — Types of FOMO: fun envy vs. personal exclusion
• 18:37 — Listener Question: Paying for a friend’s trip (Eric’s question)
• 22:45 — Why including friends is valuable even if it means covering costs
• 29:36 — How to proactively prevent FOMO by making plans yourself
• 33:34 — Introducing JOMO (“Joy of Missing Out”)

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Tone, Style, and Takeaways

Matt and Aaron keep the episode light, humorous, and honest, mixing self-deprecating stories with practical, empathetic advice for adult friendships. The tone is conversational, occasionally irreverent but always encouraging—reminding listeners that friendship isn’t perfect, but honest communication and occasional flexibility can make a world of difference.

Final takeaway:
It’s natural to feel FOMO, but the best antidotes are direct communication, taking initiative, and assuming good intentions. Social media doesn’t tell the full story, and sometimes, missing out can actually be a relief.

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Connect with the Show

• Send your friendship questions on Instagram: @manoftheyearpodcast
• Check out their Audible Original: The Buddy System

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Remember:
“Be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.”

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Matt Ritter.

[B]

I'm Aaron Caro.

[A]

Guys, go to audible.com thebuddy system and get our number one in new releases. Number. What are we number one in friendship? I think we're number one. We've been, we've been going at neck and neck with Penn Badgley and James Corden.

[B]

You know, if you take a small enough screenshot, we could be number one.

[A]

And whatever you, you know, that's, that's, that's right. That's right. How do you feel about us being neck and neck with Cordon and Badgley?

[B]

What's, what's James Corden's audio original?

[A]

Something about him and his friend who he writes with sometimes. Some sort of love.

[B]

Love.

[A]

Love letter to their friendship.

[B]

Lame.

[A]

The. Ours isn't. Ours isn't a love letter to friendship. Ours is real. We rip on each other, we laugh, we give you self help on how to make friends. If you're starting from absolute zero, total effing strangers, that's the name of one of the chapters to, you know, you disconnected with your lifelong friends and how do you, how do you recapture that or, you know, how do you make new dad friends? A bunch of stuff.

[B]

Audible.com thebuddy system if you're a podcast fan, check it out. We, we would appreciate it.

[A]

So, Kira, I was feeling guilty the other day, segue alert, because I, you know, we threw the, we threw the launch party here, and I always have this overwhelming fear that I left somebody off the list. I think it stems all the way back from childhood, from when some of us got left off the list at a certain high school party. You know, we were on the back of the list and is this the.

[B]

Famous story that I don't.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody in our high school said, oh, you guys were on the back of the list. Like, it was literally, it was a piece of paper and, you know, there were 46 names on it, 47 and 48. All you had to do was turn over the piece of white lined paper and there our names would have been.

[B]

Was I there for that?

[A]

I think you were at the party. I think you got the look. I think you were number 40, 38.

[B]

Yeah, we were, we were number one in your heart. Number 47 on the guest list.

[A]

You know, so I think so. I wanted to talk about FOMO as a topic in friendship because I was thinking, oh, man, if there's anybody that I, you know, accidentally left off the list, you know, I try to be super over inclusive. But if there was anybody, I left the list. I feel bad because posting about it on, on social and it got me thinking about all the times that people get all these feelings from seeing friends do stuff on social. Like, we all have FOMO for certain things in life, but when it comes to friendship, I think it's like, oh, you see people getting together, you just hear about it afterwards and it's not a good feeling. So I wanted to talk about that because I feel like we do get a lot of listener questions. It's something that comes up a lot like, how do I get invited to things? How do I break into a circle? And it all usually ends up being like, I saw they did this thing and I wasn't at it.

[B]

Before we get into that, can I make a comment which I've made the past couple of weeks, which is that I don't like the fact that you're wearing an LA Dodgers hat.

[A]

You know, I'm getting a lot of heat on, on this from our East Coasters because, look, I am a Mets fan. I don't know.

[B]

Born and raised, died in the wool.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I'll say this to our listeners. Let's see if anyone smears me. You know, I've got two boys and I have my son singing let's go Knicks already. But, you know, it's a Dodger town. It's a Laker Town. I'm not averse to going to the games. I enjoy going to the games.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And when I'm at the games, I'm rooting for the teams. I think as you get older, you're allowed to adopt a second team insofar as it's not in direct, you know, direct competition. Like, it's not a rival of your team. That's my hot take.

[B]

So I don't disagree with anything you just said. Doesn't. It doesn't absolve wearing of the hat.

[A]

So you can do it, you just can't wear the merch.

[B]

I just, I find it offensive. Like you're a metric.

[A]

That's the line.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you can go to. Of course, I've been to a million Dodgers games. And we should say we're recording this a few weeks after the. They won the World Series, which is, you know, great. But like, you're not a Dodgers fan, you're from New York. Your kids are going to get confused and it's, it's offensive.

[A]

The kids are gonna wear Dodger stuff. And I want us to be matching.

[B]

I want to see they're gonna grow up to be Dodgers fans because their friends are going to be Dodgers fans.

[A]

And they may sway me all the way around on it.

[B]

I'm sorry, what?

[A]

Who knows? I'm open to the possibility.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Listen, my number one is the Knicks. I'm never gonna give up the Knicks.

[B]

Okay. So that I could sort of say, say, listen, I'm a Mets fan. They're, they're not my, you know. But you're a huge, pretty huge Mets fan though.

[A]

Yes, but yeah, you know, honestly, I, I just like the Dodgers logo, I'll give you that.

[B]

You know what? I, I understand that. It is cool. We live in la.

[A]

Did you see the Larchmont merch? That's completely like IP Theft of.

[B]

Oh, has la. And then Larchmont.

[A]

It's amazing. It's a great story. So the, the, these, these two girls, I met them in Larchmont and I bought, I immediately bought it because I thought it was great. And they're like, oh, do you know the story? I'm like, no. I thought it would be like some light hearted, fun stuff. Turns out their dad had made it and then he recently passed. I think he had cancer. And. But he was like a big Larmont supporter. And, you know, so now everybody in the neighborhood's wearing it, which is great, but it's completely like if the Dodgers wanted to, they could take down that company in one second.

[B]

I was going to say, you think their IP lawyers care that their father passed away?

[A]

No, no, no, no. They're not making enough to even be on the Dodgers radar. So sorry I'd mentioned at all.

[B]

So back, back to the topic of him, by the way. You know what I did last night? I looked up the origin of the word fomo.

[A]

Okay, well, let's back up. Can I guess how old it is? Do you know the date? Okay, I do. I'm gonna guess 1991.

[B]

You're, you're way too far back.

[A]

So it's more recent because I was definitely thinking it's, it's new. I knew it was new because I remember growing up and nobody ever said fomo. Never. Wow. Isn't it amazing that it's so common for every generation? It's not even like just young people use. Everybody uses FOMO.

[B]

2008, 2004.

[A]

Wow. Wow. What?

[B]

And it was a Harvard Business School student writing in the Harvard Business School paper. Student newspaper and you know, MBA students. It's very, you know, there's, there's, there's, there's Clubs and there's this and there's that. So that's actually a pretty big thing for them. And he, he made up a word. He also, he also coined fobo, fear of better offer, which didn't catch on. And fear of better offer.

[A]

Fear of.

[B]

Yeah. You know, I guess if you're taking a job offer at Goldman, you're concerned because you could get another one of Morgan. That's better.

[A]

Opportunity cost is already out there, but.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it doesn't roll off the tongue. Anyway, so. Fobo and Fomo, so 2004 in a school newspaper. Wow.

[A]

I. I don't know. I, I feel. Have we, have we gotten people around on lumos?

[B]

Once people continue to listen to our audio original where we talk about Lubos level up moments that could be the.

[A]

One we put into the vernacular.

[B]

Lumos trying to think what else we have coined. We. We have some good stuff. But what was, I was gonna say what was interesting about your, your preamble about having the party and, and someone seeing it on social media that you didn't invite. So you're actually talking about causing FOMO in somebody else?

[A]

Yes. I feel guilt if I caused fomo.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. I've never even. I guess I, I guess, I guess I thought of that. Just, just an interesting way of coming about it that you were not the FOMO filming, you were the filmer.

[A]

You know, I had two, I had two of these kind of things where I don't wanna, you know, it's like, how old am I that I still am so concerned with everybody else's feelings?

[B]

More people were concerned about this, we wouldn't have a podcast because people are asking.

[A]

I just, this is something that I've wanted to work on the other, the other way.

[B]

It's like, what do you mean that you want to care less?

[A]

Yeah. I should not, I should not be that concerned that, like, I had a party where I invited, you know, where we had 100 plus people and somehow somebody's like, then just ask me or whatever, you know, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

[B]

You think the bigger the party, the bigger the FOMO or the small the party, the bigger the fomo.

[A]

Who. I think there's a range. I think there's FOMO if it's a really big party and if it's a intimate thing, like eight people or less, where you think you're in a ring. I don't think there's that much FOMO if it's like 15.

[B]

Yeah, I think that, you know, if you're the person experiencing fomo, I think a lot of it is rooted in your comfort level with your friend group. Because we have had many situations, you know, maybe in our group of four where we see two or three people doing whatever. And I think we know at this point it's because there either wasn't enough tickets or you weren't around. No one's doing it to like, screw you.

[A]

Yeah. And I want to say, you know, I think somebody asked us what to do one time where they had three great tickets and they had a fourth friend who wanted to go. And we're like, you could just sell those and get four. Sometimes in life there just aren't enough tickets.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And actually we're gonna, we're gonna talk a little bit about in our listener question. But, but, but I'm more saying is that like FOMO is almost like there's two types of fomo. There's FOMO of like, oh man, that looks so fun. And this FOMO of like, wtf? Like, why wasn't I invited?

[A]

That's the one I want to talk about. If, like, why wasn't I invited? Because yes, we're all, we all experience FOMO and something awesome and you didn't get to go to it.

[B]

Isn't that a chapter in our. The buddy system? Why wasn't I invited?

[A]

Might be or subsection. Yeah, I blacked it out. It was, yeah, that, that audio room where I was doing the humming for my throat, drinking a lot of honey. The. Why wasn't I invited? I agree there's a certain element that is potentially a communication problem. Right. Or feeling like you're not safe enough to just go, hey, what are you up to this weekend? And be transparent with all your friends. But do you think you can be all the time?

[B]

Well, it depends what you're doing. I mean, like, sometimes you don't want to have a 10 person dinner and go with all the Michigan.

[A]

Right, Right. Sometimes you just want to have certain people. I think you, you're entitled to, to see whoever you want whenever you want to the exclusion of other people. I mean, I think you are allowed to choose when and how many friends you see on any occasion. That doesn't mean it's not going to potentially hurt other people's feelings. Right. Somebody else has an eight person dinner party and you're their ninth and tenth friends. Yeah. You might feel a certain way about that. Now does that mean something? That's the question. Does that actually mean anything to the friendship or Is that just something that we all just need to get over a little bit and just accept that if you feel good about the friendship and you do see each other regularly and consistently and you feel you're in a good place and you feel you have good communication, maybe it's okay to just accept that you're not going to be spending every weekend or, you know, you're not always going to be invited to every single thing they do. I think that's hard when friend groups evolve.

[B]

Yeah. I think we also said that if you're making plans and you're excluding someone and not using it pejoratively, you're just doing a, a smaller thing. Just make other plans with the other person for another time.

[A]

Right. I love that tip. I love that tip. I, I, I totally, I, I told you, I use that for when I miss, when I miss things. If I miss somebody's birthday, I already put the plans on the books, like, okay, but I'm going to take you out. And I find that I end up having a better time than if I said hi for five minutes at their party. But let's go back to the. What is happening? Because it may very well be that you are being excluded. Right? I mean, it could be that it's just, hey, they want to choose these people, but it could be that, you know, they don't, they don't want you there.

[B]

Okay, so now you're talking about, like, bad fault. Like, you know, you're being right, I'm.

[A]

Saying, But it's important, it is important to be able to know where you stand with your friends. So how do you do that in a way that doesn't feel like you're the naggy, annoying person that thinks they're entitled to get invited to your house anytime you have people over? So that's my question, because that's, I think that's the tricky part.

[B]

So you're witnessing your friends do something without you, and you're trying to determine, is this a good natured thing or is this, like, are they trying to, like, kick me out of the group?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Well, I would say, first of all, how often is this happening?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Second of all, what's the context? Is it your, is it a Knicks game and they didn't invite Matt? Well, that's pretty bad. Bad versus they went to do something random.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Was it, was it done surreptitious? Surreptitiously.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Is it happening frequently?

[A]

Right.

[B]

How are the other friends acting about it?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because, you know, another thing, we could talk About Matt is if you're being invited and you notice another person's being excluded, do you say something to the main person?

[A]

Right. Because that's a good one, too. Because then sometimes you do notice something's up.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Well, like, if you. You see somebody who might even be closer, you think they're even closer than you are to that person. And then you go somewhere and you're like, wait, where's so and so and so and so they're not away. Like, oh, it's something going on there. It's. That's the stuff where, like, friendship group dynamics get a little confusing and messy.

[B]

This is so tangential, but I thought of it this morning. You just reminded me of it. Like, a couple years ago, I got invited to a wedding of someone I barely knew, and I was just like, why?

[A]

What?

[B]

Like, what was your thought process here? And I just never even responded. I think yay or nay? Because I was like, it's so outlandish that I. I can't even. I feel silly even responding to this. I don't know why I just thought of that. Is that insane?

[A]

It's pretty funny. You got a hard copy email or was it an email? We got a hard copy invite.

[B]

Hard copy.

[A]

Wow. Sometimes it's just for the gift. In your case. Not in your case.

[B]

I was like, I'm not falling into you.

[A]

You.

[B]

You. You invited the wrong rando.

[A]

Yeah, you can check me off the honey pot list or whatever it's called. Honey pot. What's it Not a honey pot. What's it called? Honey fund. Honey. I confused hiring a. An escort to trap your. To trap somebody with the honey.

[B]

Honey trap.

[A]

Right. Honey fund is what I'm thinking.

[B]

Should we take a listener question?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We'll be right back.

[C]

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[B]

Okay, guys, this is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram man of the Year podcast and we'll answer it on the show. By the way, Matt, my. My sister pointed out that we always say, hey, should we take a listener question? And then we go to commercial? And she's like, it's such a tease. And I'm like, I don't know. That's just how we do it, Karen.

[A]

Well, that's because we have to insert the ads. That's just how it is.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

But no. How else would we know that? That's the. That's the smart. Sorry, Karen. That's The Smartest Thing 2 Ivy League guys could come up with as a cue.

[B]

Right? It's more for us than for anybody else.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

Yeah. Should we come up with a better.

[A]

Cue that doesn't jam that up?

[B]

Yeah, please Karen, let us know. Okay, so this question comes from Eric. Actually, I want to read the second part first because he said some nice things. Side note, your podcast has greatly improved my friendships. So much so that even my wife noticed without realizing it was from a podcast, which I never told her about. I've been listening to the buddy system on my computer on my commute and love it so far.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

Pretty good. So his question. We actually talked about this about two years ago, but we haven't talked about it in a minute, so I thought it would be a good refresher. I would like to submit a question for Asking for a friend. I've been so inspired by your podcast that my childhood friends and I are starting an annual guys trip tradition meeting in Vegas to run a half marathon together. It's a combination of me and you, Matt.

[A]

Do it on the first day.

[B]

However, one of our friends historically doesn't attend big trips and weddings etc due to finances. I would be so happy to pay for his flight or ask the guys if they all wanted to chip in to pay for his trip as a gift. But I don't want to accidentally insult this friend or make him uncomfortable. Do you have any advice on how to handle this delicate situation?

[A]

So the pros and cons are accidentally offending or getting in there? The main thing is getting there, right? And so he's going to have to on some level get over that if he's going to go so soon. You better just communicating that sooner rather than later. I think you're better communicating that one on one. But also make it a fate accompli that we've already taken care of it.

[B]

So a fade accompli, but also you reframe it, right? Dude, we need you.

[A]

We need you. We need you.

[B]

Yeah, we need you.

[A]

We're not like we can't do this without you. Yeah, can't do this without you. Don't let's not make it a thing. You're already sorted like we're getting you the ticket. Just say yes.

[B]

Yeah, it's not even just say yes you're coming. We need you. It's not the same without you.

[A]

You're part of Give me your birth. Just give me your birthday so I can book the flight. Oh God.

[B]

I. I forgot to tell you this when I. When I went to Vegas or whatever a couple. Couple weeks ago still when you put my birthday wrong from when we went to Sundance, remember? You put my birthday wrong. And tsa, to me it was still in this, you know, one airline. And so again the guy's like, your year, the year of your birthday all the way back. So it was so annoying.

[A]

It keeps on giving.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, that's so good. Oh, that's. Oh, man, that is so me. That's amazing. I continually screw you on this. Wait, so what do you have to do? What airline you have to go in.

[B]

And whatever we flew, it was JetBlue or Spirit or whatever. I don't know.

[A]

So I put in the wrong year. I put it 81.

[B]

I don't know what you did. It was just so. I'm actually like. I don't even know why I brought it up, because now I'm furious. Thank God. It was pretty empty, but, like, furious.

[A]

Hate you.

[B]

So I thought also we should take a moment to like, give Eric props of like, this was like the right attitude, which is that we have, you know, this guy brings other things to the table.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Finances are not in different place. We've all been there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, we can help.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's gonna be fun.

[A]

And here's what I think about this issue. That comes up a lot more than you think, Eric. We get this question, some variation of it every couple months. You're not doing this all the time. You know, you're not. You're not paying. Your friend is not on your tab. He's not your dependent. You're taking a once a year trip. Your buddy's in a tight situation now, maybe that'll be that. Maybe that's the way it'll be, you know, forever. Or maybe that's just the way it is now. I think you just look at it like this is the cost of doing business. Sometimes in friendship, the bigger. The bigger cost would be him not being there.

[B]

I think I told this story years ago, but the. The guy from our high school we don't talk to anymore. Seth. He was very cheap. And we went to Montreal for the millennium for the year 2000. He would always say no to everything. So we told him, oh, we got. We just lied to him. Oh, we got a great deal. It's only going to be like $200 a person. And once we crossed the border, we're like, it's $400 a person.

[A]

Oh, that's amazing.

[B]

Yeah. He was stuck. He was not across the border. I think that it's all about, like, it's all about keeping it positive. Like, I don't even think you dwell on the. Yeah. You know, you're having a tough time. It's like, we need you. It's not gonna be fun. Without you, I'm. I would say, listen, Jim, I'm doing this selfishly because it's not gonna be fun without you. Right.

[A]

Money is not the only contribution. Again, a lot of friends just see it through that prism. And a lot of people, both ends. You know, the people who don't have the money are like, well, what can I do? This person's paying for me. I can't pay him back. It's like your presence is your contribution. That's how you're paying them back. You all being there makes it all worth it.

[B]

So when the other guys, you know, Eric and the sort of, let's call it the liquid friends, you think they should have a side chat and be like, okay, do you want to do this? You want to divide it up? Yeah, I'm having to take the flight.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, I think they should have their own side channel. And one person just presents it like, hey, man, I got it. I got it all sorted.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you.

[A]

Okay, look, I do believe you. You know, when you're in that situation, you're gonna. You're gonna be living with some insecurities when you're the one who's, you know, taking it and it's life. We all live with insecurities. We all have things, we all have chips on our shoulder. But the point is to be with your friends. That's the bigger thing.

[B]

What do you think about going to Vegas for a half marathon? Just generally.

[A]

Well, that's why I said do the first day. That's so funny to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It does seem like there's a lot of people that do that, right. They go to some, like, really hard party place and do a physical thing too. Like, there's definitely like. I feel like there are people who do that where they go to like some, you know, so they combine like the physical challenge with partying, which is crazy to me.

[B]

Oh, you know, I'm googling it. Oh, you'd love this. It's. It's. It's called a rock and roll.

[A]

Oh, Emily, my sister in law, did that.

[B]

Yeah. So it's like a. It's known as the world's largest running party.

[A]

I want to do this, but Emily did it in. Oh, so does it move? Because she did it in Phoenix. I want to say.

[B]

I'm sure they have it all over the place.

[A]

Yeah. Rock and roll marathon. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I can't. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a. That's a great guy ship. I went.

[A]

We all went to cheer on in Phoenix. I Want to say, like, 15 years ago.

[B]

Oh, Phoenix. Rough place to. I hope it was in the winter.

[A]

Right. It must have. It must have been.

[B]

My. My. You know, I made those friends at the gym in my building, and they. They moved to Phoenix and they have a big, like, I don't know, you know, those dogs that look like polar bears, like a big white husky.

[A]

Huh.

[B]

They're so worried that he won't be able to walk on the sidewalk because it's 100 to 15 degrees.

[A]

Right. Imagine being an animal that's, like, from the Arctic. Yeah. Just completely misclimatized.

[B]

It's ridiculous. Do we answer this question?

[A]

I think so. Can we get back after this? Can we get back to some more practical overall stuff about the fomo, though?

[B]

Yes, Eric, thank you for writing in. Please let us know how it goes. And, guys, if you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram at Man of the Year podcast. Matt, I think I interrupted your last question. If about. Actually, I don't remember what it was. It was FOMO related.

[A]

Well, I think it was like, how do I know if I'm not, you know, actually being excluded or not?

[B]

Yes. I think I was giving some examples. I think you're also saying, what do I do if. If. If, you know, you're feeling left out? You know, that is admittedly a tough conversation to say to a buddy, like, how come you didn't invite me? Or why wasn't I there? Or w. You know, so I'm actually not 100% sure. I would potentially maybe not ask the main invitee. I might ask one of the other people what's going on? Or what was the status?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I'm not sure what to do if you feel like you're being excluded.

[A]

Well, let's back up. I think you said something very important. You're not looking at the one off. You're looking for the pattern. Right. You basically just said that because everybody gets left off of an invite or a group text or, you know, whatever. It's like, if it keeps happening, it's the same crew, same hangouts, and you're just finding out from Instagram. Yeah. That's something worth looking into. Right. Also, that's emotional. Right. Like, let's look at the evidence. Right. Like. Like, sometimes we just get emotional about stuff and it's not intentional. There's not actually facts to support it. So why don't we look for facts to support that? You have a strong friendship. You know me, I'm always trying to look at it from the positive. And so it's like, why don't we look at it from the viewpoint of like, no, these are my good friends. I'm sure they didn't. And let's find evidence to support that first.

[B]

Give them the benefit of the doubt, basically.

[A]

Right, right. And you know, we always say, like, most people just aren't thinking about you, they're busy. You're not unwanted. Right? So, you know, reach out to somebody, right? Like, and don't. Don't frame it as an accusation. Right.

[B]

Well, you know, I had this big fight with. With our. My buddy Chi. It was so random because his. This is 15 years ago, 10 years ago, his wife was throwing him a surprise party in la, right? And she thought I was out of town, so she didn't invite me, right? And I was, I'm a friend to the wife too. And I was like, well, why don't you? But you didn't even ask. Like someone else told her I was out of town, right? And then I got mad at him and he's like, dude, it was a surprise party. I didn't know.

[A]

Oh, he know. Right, Right. That's pretty funny.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, but, you know, I think. I think too. It's like, you know, I have a great tip that I would just suggest is, you know, one good way to not get excluded from things is to be the plan maker. Be the friend, the host, be the friend. But I'm saying plan an event, you know, like, not just for that. You don't get it left off of that, but then kind of recirculates you in people's minds sometimes. I don't know, does that make sense? Sometimes you need to recirculate yourself into people's minds.

[B]

Do you remember the question we had a few episodes ago where the guy was trying to break into the friend, the other existing friend group?

[A]

Yeah, of course. The hardest thing to do, but we.

[B]

Basically said, why, why would they. Why would they invite you to like, right. You know, like, what are you doing that you're. You're making yourself invitable, right? And that's what you're saying here, Matt, like, you invite. It's not a quid pro quo, right? It's like you're on top of mind. You're known as a fun person. You do fun stuff, you know, like, I'm sure you're gonna get invited to 15 more parties after the party that you just threw. Yeah. Not saying you have to throw parties, but like, yeah, you got to be the friend if you're just waiting for an invitation all the time.

[A]

Yeah. And I also think it's the way you phrase it after, too, if you do want to. I don't know. I don't confront. I don't like unnecessary confrontations. But I do think if you want to address. Let's just say I think it's like, oh, that looks so fun. Love to see you guys. Like, I think that basically says it in a way that's not aggressive, don't you?

[B]

Yeah, you can even be more, like, passive and cut the second sentence, like, I love whiskey or something like that.

[A]

Right. But I think saying that, like, you want to be part of that group is important too.

[B]

Oh, well, if this is. If it's. I mean, if it's your core group and you. And you think something untoward is happening, that's one thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If it's a secondary group and you're like, dude, I. I love the Dodgers. I. I love to come, and I think it's fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If you think something bad is happening, you know, a little passive aggressive, a little. A little heart tap on the picture, a little on A little exclamation point on the picture.

[A]

Yeah, I, I think. And I think the key is, right, like, you're not trying to call somebody out. You're saying, I value this friendship. Right. So I think that's just in terms of mental reframe of what you're doing about this is like you're just letting people know you value them. Right. And you, you want to feel valued in return. But like you said, it's like, okay, so plan something or also, you know, is it that you want to be invited to that thing or are there certain people that you actually feel more connected to? And if that's the case, just do something with that person. Yeah.

[B]

The quickest way to counteract FOMO is to start your own thing and don't invite that person.

[A]

Start to start an exclusionary war.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Just start excluding everybody till nobody likes either of you.

[A]

That's right. That's right. But, yeah, so, look, it's. It's very natural. It happens to all of us. Social media amplifies it. It makes you think everybody's hanging out without you. Like, my wife didn't even leave the house because we're having some. Some health stuff. We still put on an outfit for Halloween and, like, took a picture as a fan, you know, so, like, people could be like, oh, I thought you said you weren't going out.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, you don't like, not everything is what it seems.

[B]

Always. Oh. Oh, yes, of course. I mean, obviously.

[A]

No. But I'm just saying, like, my point is, like, oh, you think something is, you know, like you're. Let's just not assume people are like, you know, doing. Always doing stuff intentionally without you.

[B]

Listen, I call Jomo Joy of Missing Out. Have fun. Yeah.

[A]

Is that a known thing or is that a heroism?

[B]

Well, I think Fireball Adam popularized it in our group, but I don't doubt he made it up.

[A]

It's a good one.

[B]

I always say, have fun.

[A]

Yeah, that's Caro's line.

[B]

Have fun.

[A]

You want to come to this kid's birthday party? Have fun.

[B]

All right, guys, let us know if you have any experiences with FOMO or JOMO or FOBO.

[A]

Stop trying to make FOBO happen, Harvard.

[B]

It's only been 25 years. Check out our audible [e-mail] thebuddy system. And always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.

[A]

Love you, buddy.

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