Man of the Year – Champions of Friendship

Episode #166: Flakes

Hosts: Matt Ritter & Aaron Karo
Date: January 6, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the enduring problem of “flakes” in adult friendship circles — those friends who don’t show up, cancel at the last minute, or are impossible to make plans with. Comedians and friendship advocates Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo break down types of flakiness, why it happens, how to deal with it, and how not to let flakes mess with your social life. The episode also features a thoughtful listener Q&A about finding emotionally mature, non-flaky friends as a parent.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Strollers, Stains, and Setting the Tone

• [00:15 – 03:30] Light Banter: The hosts kick off with a tangent on fancy strollers and the logistical nightmares of cup holders—relatable scenes of parenthood that set a casual, humorous tone.
  • "I've spent almost three years trying to find a cup holder that actually doesn't spill coffee. It's not possible."
    — Matt ([02:42])

What Is a Flake? Breaking Down Definitions

• [03:42 – 05:30] Defining “Flake”:
  Two main kinds are discussed:

  1. Those who make plans but cancel last minute or just don’t show up.
  2. Those who never commit enough to actually make plans.

• Worst Kind? The consensus: those who commit, then bail or ghost.

  • "People who make plans and don't crawl up."
    — Matt ([04:22])

• Aaron’s Take: He self-identifies as someone who doesn’t tolerate flaky friends—with the comedic exception of “my friend Nicole” who will either ghost for two years or, “she takes me to the Super Bowl.”
  ([05:00])

Psychoanalyzing the Flaker

• [06:13 – 07:32] Why do people flake?
  • Lack of self-awareness or respect for others' time
    "One is flakes, they don't think about respecting people's time ... they're a little lacking in self-awareness."
    — Matt ([06:25])
  • Hedging for better options (the “Corn Flakes” type).
  • Flakiness appears to thin out with age, but not disappear.

Cereal Tangent: Childhood Parallels

• [07:32 – 09:17] Cereal as a Friendship Analogy:
  A nostalgic (and comedic) detour into favorite sugary cereals and how little cereal boxes at sleepovers or camp are a metaphor for mixed groups of friends—some sweet, some plain.

Social Dynamics: When Is Flakiness Forgivable?

• [09:17 – 13:29]
  • The “lowest form of flake” is the friend always holding out for something better.
  • Jesse’s Experience: Matt shares his wife’s ongoing struggle with flaky friends and their evolution into “friend emeritus”—someone you accept has zero reliability but you enjoy when present.
    • "If you want a flaky friend, but never put yourself in a situation where you're gonna get burned by them."
      — Matt ([12:43])
  • One-on-one Dinners: If someone cancels repeatedly, it’s time to set new boundaries.

Practical Flake Management Strategies

• [13:29 – 15:00]
  • Never plan important one-on-ones or leave good company for a known flake.
  • “Never leave your house until you have the GPS tracker on them.”
    — Matt ([14:06])
  • Humorous analogies: taking a sleeping pill before a delayed flight = trusting a flake before confirmation.

Self-Awareness & Accountability

• [15:18 – 16:34] Have you ever flaked?
  • Matt admits occasional flakiness, but Aaron claims he just says “no” upfront rather than commit and cancel. “Particle flakes” (accidentally RSVPing to events for info, then not attending) get a pass.
    • "I've never flaked on anybody." — Aaron ([15:40])
    • “I think almost everybody's on the flake spectrum.” — Matt ([30:32])

Listener Question: Finding Mature, Reliable Friends as a Parent

[18:02 – 29:14]

The Question (from "A.D."):

• 40-year-old dad, tough upbringing, values honesty and showing up, but finds adult social circles “like high school hallways: status chasing, fake friendliness, exclusion, drama cycles.”
• Q: How do you make emotionally mature, real friends as an adult/parent? How do you avoid feeling “too much” for seeking deeper connections?

Hosts’ Reflections and Advice:

• Check Your Narrative: Matt suggests the listener’s negative lens is shaped by a few bad impressions—it’s not universally as dramatic as it seems ([19:19]).
• Go Slow: Don’t “come in too hot” looking for deep connections right away; depth takes time ([20:41], [28:35]).
• Interest-Based Friendships: Focus on activity-based groups (e.g., gym, pickleball) instead of solely on school/dad circles ([23:32], [26:56]).
• Reframe Expectations: Give people more of a chance; sometimes surface relationships deepen over time.
  • "Friendship does run on obligation a little bit."
    — Matt ([30:42])
• Start Small: Try bonding one-on-one before seeking group acceptance ([25:27]).
• Self-Awareness: Reflect on whether childhood survival mechanisms/filters make you prejudge others.
• Let People In: Depth arises from ongoing, reciprocal vulnerability—don’t force it, but create opportunities.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Flakiness isn't just some ancillary trait. As people get older and they start really doing the inventory and evaluating where they want to spend their time and energy, you really fall off that list because flakiness is a very bad quality."
  — Matt ([31:11])

• "Never plan a one on one with a flake."
  — Matt ([13:29])

• "The sooner you accept people for what they are, then you're not harping on what they aren't."
  — Matt ([12:43])

• "Never leave a friend to go meet a flake."
  — Matt ([13:37])

• "Slow and steady wins the race."
  — Aaron ([29:14])

• "If you want deeper connections, you have to let people in, but not all at once."
  — Paraphrased from Matt ([28:21])

Flow of the Episode (Timestamps)

• 00:15–03:30: Bouncing into banter: Cup holders, strollers, and stains—setting a playful, real-life parenting scene.
• 03:42–05:30: Defining “flakes” and sharing personal policies
• 06:13–09:17: Why people flake, cereal as social metaphor
• 09:17–13:29: Deep dive on flake psychology—“friend emeritus” status and boundaries
• 13:29–15:00: Practical strategies—how to not get burned by flakes
• 15:18–16:34: Have you ever flaked? Owning up, or not
• 18:02–29:14: Listener Q&A—challenges of making real, mature friends as a parent
• 29:14–32:01: Concluding thoughts on flakiness, respect, and closing jokes

Final Thoughts

• Friendship—like cereal—comes in all flavors; but nobody wants the Corn Flake who’s all promise, no presence.
• Flakiness, once established as a trait, sticks and marks you down in social circles.
• If you’re seeking real depth, start small, be vulnerable at a reasonable pace, and don’t let a few shallow interactions sour your view of adult friendship.

To the flakes out there:
“Let us know why you flake… but you’ll probably forget to reach out to us.”
— Aaron ([31:53])

Outro:
"Be good to yourself. Be good to your friends."
— Aaron ([32:05]) & Matt ([32:10])