Manager Tools Podcast Summary

Episode: "Is That What You Want” - Not Recommended
Air Date: October 21, 2024
Hosts: Kate & Sarah

Overview

This episode tackles a common question among managers: Is it effective to ask, “Is that what you want?” when giving negative feedback? The hosts, Kate and Sarah, dissect why this question is problematic and provide alternative, more effective ways for managers to communicate desired changes. The goal is to help managers deliver timely, future-oriented feedback that encourages improvement, maintains trust, and avoids unnecessary defensiveness.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Manager Tools Feedback Model Refresher

• The feedback model has four steps:
  1. Ask a question (to open the feedback, e.g., “Can I give you some feedback?”)
  2. State the behavior observed
  3. State the impact of the behavior
  4. End with a future-oriented question (e.g., “Can you work on that?”)
• The focus of this episode is on the last step and why “Is that what you want?” is not recommended.
  (06:59–07:59)

2. Why “Is That What You Want?” Doesn’t Work

• The question shifts focus to the past and “rubs in” the mistake, rather than motivating future improvement. It invites a negative answer and defensiveness, which extends the conversation rather than resolving the issue quickly.
• Defensiveness: “It increases the chances that your direct will be defensive, which is my least favorite thing to handle.” – Kate (11:21)
• Losing future-focus: “If you ask, 'is that what you want?'… it's focusing on the negative past.” – Kate (11:11)
• It also makes the interaction unnecessarily long and awkward, undermining the value of quick, frequent feedback.
  (09:09–17:26)

3. The Core Purpose of Feedback

• All feedback is positive (in purpose):
  • “All feedback is positive because the purpose of all feedback is to encourage your directs to do the right thing in the future.” – Sarah (10:28)
• Move forward, not dwell on the past: Focusing on the past leads to explanations and justifications which aren't useful for future improvement.
  (10:28–13:56)

4. Examples: Bad vs. Good Feedback Closers

• Bad Example:
  • Sarah: “When you miss a deliverable, it slows us down because others can't start their work that's dependent on this deliverable. Is that what you want?”
    • Kate: “No.”
    • Sarah: “Yeah. Okay, so folks, you heard it, right? …it effectively lengthens the entire feedback conversation.” (15:05–16:03)
• Good Example:
  • Sarah: “When you miss a deliverable, it slows us down because others can't start their work that's dependent on this deliverable. Can you work on that?”
    • Kate: “Yep.”
    • Sarah: “There you go. See, now conversation’s over. It feels over, right?” (27:21–27:28)

5. Why Managers Default to “Is That What You Want?”

• Some managers, feeling creative or wanting to reinforce the mistake, try this or other flourishes.
• Direct reports perceive it as “rubbing it in” and negative, rather than motivational:
  • “Now it just feels like you’re rubbing it in. So we don’t mean much by it other than I just want to make it clear... But to them it’s like, okay, well, let’s just keep beating this dead horse, would you? I love being flogged.” – Sarah (18:18)

6. The Value of Simplicity and Trust in Feedback

• Brief feedback allows for more feedback moments, which is more effective for development than fewer, longer conversations.
• Short and trusting: The best step-four questions are simple asks, which assume the direct is capable of improvement:
  • “Can you work on that?”
  • “Can you change that?”
  • “Can you do that differently?”
  • “Can you do that better?”
• These questions imply trust and respect for the other person’s abilities.
  • “There’s some trust inherent in that… that they’re capable of that and willing to try.” – Kate (27:02–27:12)

7. Organizational Principle: Fix at the Right Level

• Problems should be addressed and solved at the level where they occur, not by escalating or overanalyzing. Managers can’t control specific behaviors—empower people to own their improvements.
• “You are not physically capable of editing their behaviors... accepting responsibility for that is bonkers.” – Kate (25:05)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “All feedback is positive because the purpose of all feedback is to encourage your directs to do the right thing in the future.” – Sarah (10:28)
• “It increases the chances that your direct will be defensive, which is my least favorite thing to handle.” – Kate (11:21)
• “If you ask, 'Is that what you want?'… it's focusing on the negative past.” – Kate (11:11)
• “Now it just feels like you're rubbing it in. So we don't mean much by it other than I just want to make it clear... But to them it's like, okay, well, let's just keep beating this dead horse, would you?” – Sarah (18:18)
• “You are not physically capable of editing their behaviors... accepting responsibility for that is bonkers.” – Kate (25:05)
• “The right questions in step four… are based on the core principles of trust, respect, encouragement. And asking, 'Is that what you want?' violates all of them.” – Kate (30:25)
• “Do you want to again give me feedback with the new question? ... Can you work on that?” …“Yep. …There you go. See, now conversation's over. It feels over, right?” – (27:12–27:28)

Recommended Approach for Negative Feedback

• End with a simple, future-oriented question:
  • “Can you work on that?”
  • “Can you do that differently?”
  • “Can you change that?”
• Avoid “Is that what you want?” and similar questions that are past-focused or invite defensiveness.

Key Timestamps for Reference

• 06:59–07:59 – Feedback model explained
• 09:09–11:11 – Why “Is that what you want?” is problematic
• 11:11–13:56 – Negative aftermath & focus shift
• 15:05–16:03 – Bad feedback closing example
• 27:12–27:28 – Good feedback closing example
• 30:25–30:38 – Summary of right vs. wrong approach

Tone & Takeaway

The tone is collegial, direct, and practical, emphasizing trust, efficiency, and clarity. The hosts advocate for keeping feedback short, supportive, and future-focused. The episode’s clear message: Do not end negative feedback with “Is that what you want?”—it’s ineffective, demoralizing, and drags out the conversation. Instead, use simple, trusting prompts that encourage change and keep relationships strong.

For more tools and guidance, visit Manager Tools.