Podcast Summary: Manager Tools – "One On Ones: How Much Personal?"

Episode Date: December 15, 2025
Hosts: Sarah (A), Mark (B)

Episode Overview

This episode tackles a common concern among managers: How much personal conversation should occur in one-on-ones with direct reports? Drawing from over 20 years and 10,000 hours of Manager Tools' research, Sarah and Mark break down the data on work vs. personal content in one-on-ones, debunk manager fears about "getting too personal," and offer practical assurance and guidance.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Source of the Fear

• Many managers are anxious that one-on-ones will devolve into personal conversations.
• This fear is especially prevalent among “D’s and C’s” (referring to Disc profile personalities averse to relationship-focused conversations).
  • [01:27] Mark: “Half the world, the D's and C's, are allergic to relationships. So they immediately say, well, therefore the worst case is I'm going to have to listen to all kinds of personal stuff.”
• Reality: This rarely happens, and when it does, it's a sign of trust, not a problem.

2. The Data: How Much is Really Personal?

a. The Research:

• Manager Tools has analyzed over 10,000 hours of recorded one-on-ones (approx. 20,000 sessions), focusing on content, participation, and time breakdowns.
  • [02:48] Sarah: “We have reviewed over 10,000 hours of one on one videos over the course of the last 20 years and we assure you it's a lot of hours of video...support the view that personal matters simply don't come up that often.”

b. Time Breakdown – Average Content of Manager Tools One-on-Ones:

• Direct Reports:
  • 79% Work topics
  • 20% Chit chat
  • 1% Personal topics
• Managers:

  • 86% Work topics

  • 13% Chit chat

  • 1% Personal topics

  • [23:11] Sarah:
    “Direct spent 79% of their time talking about work, 20% of their time in chit chat, and only 1% of their time was spent on topics that managers and directs generally agreed were personal topics. Managers spent 86%...1% on personal topics.”

c. What Counts as Chit Chat vs. Personal?

• Chit chat is routine social talk at the beginning/end of meetings: weather, sports, weekend plans, news, light personal updates (e.g. saw parents, played golf, social media tidbits).

• “Personal” means private, significant issues (family crises, sensitive health issues, etc.).

  • [20:28] Sarah: “You could categorize them however you'd like, but here they are. They are the weather, weekend plans...family and hobbies.”

d. Managers’ Fear is Not Supported

• Even managers who feared “too much personal talk” admitted after experience that these fears were unfounded.

  • [09:31] Sarah: “The commentary from managers was that they had feared manager tools O3s as potentially too much personal stuff. But they agreed...that the fear had not been borne out and they regretted their hesitation.”

• Statistically significant difference—managers actually keep the focus even tighter on work topics than directs.

e. The Real Numbers

• Across a full year (48 one-on-ones of 30 min each):
  • <15 minutes per year spent on true personal topics.
    • [25:25] Mark: “Here’s what that 1% boils down to. Less than 15 minutes a year of personal topics. On average, less than 15 minutes a year on personal topics.”

3. Do Managers Need to Share Personal Info?

• No! There’s zero evidence of an expectation for managers to reciprocate personal sharing.

  • [28:09] B: “Even if your direct does share 15, even 30 minutes, let's say a year, which is two minutes a month, you do not have to do so. Reciprocally, if you don't share personal topics...you do not have to.”

• Sharing personal (or even private) info by a direct is a sign of trust, not a requirement for you to match them.

  • [28:23] B: “It's a sign you are building trust with them. You may be the first manager in their career that they would share those kinds of personal things with...Sharing personal stuff...carries with it some modicum of risk...”

4. The Value of One-on-Ones: Trust and Results

• One-on-ones (done the Manager Tools way) build trust—the variable most strongly correlated with improved results and retention.

  • [15:25] Mark: “...building trust is important because trust is the most highly correlated metric to results and retention improvement, which is how managers are measured.”

• Skipping these conversations for fear of "getting too close" is a performance risk.

  • [26:10] Sarah: “We understand that you have a fear. That’s okay...The fear is far outweighed by the benefits.”

• Even minor awkwardness (“You don’t get paid to be comfortable, you get paid to be effective.” [29:09] Mark) is a small price for improved relationships and outcomes.

5. Manager Tools One-on-Ones: Different from ‘Generic’ One-on-Ones

• Structured: weekly, at least 30 minutes, direct goes first, manager takes notes.
• Many “one-on-ones” elsewhere are unstructured, inconsistent, and thus create confusion and lack of trust.
  • [06:12] A: “Yeah, whatever they are doing. We all have our own personal experience with a thing we call one on one. But yeah, it's conflated for them, it means the same thing.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Managers’ Underlying Fear:
  [01:27] Mark: “Half the world, the D's and C's, are allergic to relationships. So they immediately say, well, therefore the worst case is I'm going to have to listen to all kinds of personal stuff.”

• On Data Collection:
  [03:48] Mark: “I don't recommend you ever try to master 10,000 hours of watching one on one video.”

• Work vs. Personal Split:
  [23:11] Sarah: “Direct spent 79% of their time talking about work...only 1%...was spent on topics that managers and directs generally agreed were personal topics.”

• On the Minuscule Amount of "Personal" Content:
  [25:25] Mark: “Here's what that 1% boils down to. Less than 15 minutes a year of personal topics. On average, less than 15 minutes a year on personal topics.”

• You Don’t Have to Reciprocate:
  [28:09] Mark: “You do not have to do so. Reciprocally, if you don't share personal topics because of your demeanor or behavioral preferences, you don't have to.”

• On Professional Effectiveness:
  [29:09] Mark: “You don’t get paid to be comfortable folks. I say this all the time. You get paid to be effective.”

• Final Reassurance:
  [30:38] Mark: “If it's 15 minutes a year, that's basically...one minute a month. That's 15 seconds every one on one. Seriously dudes, you know there is no monster under your bed.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:16 – Articulating the common fear: "too much personal stuff"
• 02:48–06:12 – Explaining the data collection and unique structure of Manager Tools’ one-on-ones
• 15:25–16:19 – Work/personal split and its statistical significance
• 19:02–21:04 – What counts as chit chat vs. personal, new data shared
• 23:11–25:25 – The practical time calculation: 1% = <15 minutes/year
• 28:09–29:09 – No expectation of managerial reciprocation; personal sharing as a sign of trust
• 30:38–31:27 – Final reassurance: personal content is a “rounding error” in the bigger one-on-one picture

Takeaways for Managers

• Worried about too much personal talk in your one-on-ones? Don’t be. The data proves it’s a rare occurrence.
• Personal topics, when they arise, signal trust—but you don’t have to reciprocate.
• Chit chat is not the problem; it’s a natural part of relationship-building.
• Structured, regular one-on-ones are a key tool for building trust, which drives results and retention.
• Don't let discomfort or baseless fears hold you back from an effective management practice.

Summary:
Manager Tools’ rigorous data show that both managers and directs spend almost all of their one-on-one time on work or routine chit chat. True personal issues take up less than 1% of time—about 15 minutes a year—and there is no expectation or need for managers to share personal matters in return. Fears about one-on-ones becoming "too personal" are unfounded; instead, these meetings are a vital means of building trust and driving results.