Podcast Summary: Manager Tools - "Why Is Negative Feedback So Hard? (Part 2)"

Episode Air Date: February 24, 2025
Hosts: Sarah and Mark

Overview

This episode of Manager Tools delves into the practical and psychological reasons why delivering negative feedback as a manager is so challenging. Expanding on Part 1, Sarah and Mark break down the core barriers to effective feedback delivery and outline the steps managers must take to create a culture where negative feedback can be received positively. The episode is rich with real-world anecdotes, practical advice, and Manager Tools’ signature data-driven approach, aiming to equip managers with actionable skills instead of fleeting management theories.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Previous Failures and Lack of Support (00:35–04:45)

- Managers’ Past Experiences:

• Many managers have given negative feedback before and "what they received in return... was a whole bunch of pushback and defensiveness." (A, 00:40)
• In extreme cases, negative feedback attempts have led to HR intervention, often leaving managers feeling unsupported.

- Organizational Systems Make It Hard:

• There’s a systemic lack of training for managers, especially when compared to technical roles.
• Promotion to management often happens without teaching critical people-skills or the “Manager Tools Trinity.”

- Mark’s Insightful Analogy:

• "If they can't do those things, they don't get to be a software developer… But for managers, we don’t teach them any of those things that are fairly standard." (B, 02:24)

2. The Absence of Positive Feedback (05:29–11:28)

- Industry Misconceptions:

• Most articles and “thought leaders” discuss feedback as equaling only negative feedback.
• Mark criticizes this as "a cancer on the profession of management" and "very close to malfeasance." (B, 05:47)

- Ethical Imperative:

• Being a manager is "an ethical burden. You should feel that responsibility when you become a manager." (B, 05:41)

- The Feedback Loop:

• When managers only deliver negative feedback, they ignore the majority of direct reports’ behaviors, resulting in eroded trust.
• “If you define feedback as only negative, you’ll be ignoring the vast majority of behaviors of your directs. That doesn’t make sense… and it erodes trust.” (B, 12:37)

- Quote on Search for Behavior:

• “If you go out looking for negatives, you will find them. And if you go out looking for positives, you will find them.” (B, 13:59)

3. The Crucial Role of Trust and Sequence (10:06–19:43)

- Building Trust Takes Time:

• Trust is established through regular one-on-ones and regular positive feedback, not merely by removing the negatives.

- The Path to Negative Feedback:

• "The road to negative feedback can only go through positive feedback." (B, 11:01)
• Attempts to shortcut this process lead to resistance and defensiveness.

- Not Just Trust for Withdrawals:

• "We do not build trust... just so we can make at regular intervals withdrawals from this trust account, if you will, using negative feedback.” (A, 16:43)

- Proper Rollout Order:

• One-on-ones → Positive Feedback → Negative Feedback.

4. Direct Reports’ Previous Boss Effect (20:16–23:00)

- Luggage from Past Bosses:

• Employees come into new roles with experiences from prior managers—often negative—and expect more of the same.
• "They come in with this crust around them, this spiky armor of defensiveness." (B, 20:44)

- Reasonable Wary Reactions:

• Most directs expect feedback to be negative and act accordingly—a low-trust “gotcha” game.
• "Why wouldn’t our directs be wary of feedback? Because they think it’s negative only. Right. They should be." (B, 22:34)

5. The Importance of Briefing Before Change (23:00–29:39)

- Briefing = Setting Expectations:

• Managers must explain any new process or feedback model before starting it.
• “Never introduce a change to how you manage people without first taking the time to introduce that change before you actually make it.” (A, 26:06)

- Consequences of Skipping Briefing:

• Without clear communication, directs invent their own (often negative) reasons, defaulting to assumptions from past experiences.
• "If you slide it in there to see how it works and they don't know how to respond, they'll respond defensively because of your role power." (B, 27:22)

- Overcoming the "Flavor of the Month":

• Consistent communication and courage to commit to new tools prevents being discounted as just another fleeting management fad.

6. The Challenge and Necessity of Practice (29:48–33:41)

- Everyone Starts Out Bad:

• It’s normal (and expected) to be awkward or ineffective at first.
• "That wide ability to do virtually anything comes with a cost. That cost is you really suck at everything when you first start doing it." (A, 30:14)

- Fear of Mistakes:

• Managers often fear looking incompetent in front of directs, but not trying is a greater weakness.
• “Doing things differently in the pursuit of excellence and doing them poorly initially is not making a mistake. The true sign of weakness... is not trying.” (A, 32:06)

- Structured Practice:

• Manager Tools recommends 12 weeks of trust-building one-on-ones, followed by eight weeks of only positive feedback before attempting negative feedback.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mark (00:40): “The vast majority of bosses have tried to give feedback and what they received in return… was a whole bunch of pushback and defensiveness.”
• Mark (05:41): “Management is an ethical thing. You're responsible for taking care of the professional lives of other human beings. That's an ethical burden.”
• Sarah (16:43): “We do not build trust through one on ones, just simply so that we can make at regular intervals withdrawals from this trust account, if you will, using negative feedback... We build up the trust with full intentions that we will continue to add to the trust and keep it at a high level.”
• Mark (20:44): "They come in with this crust around them, this spiky armor of defensiveness."
• Sarah (26:06): "Never introduce a change to how you manage people without first taking the time to introduce the change before you actually make it."
• Mark (32:06): “Doing things differently in the pursuit of excellence and doing them poorly initially is not making a mistake… The true sign of weakness is not trying.”

Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:35 – Why previous failures make negative feedback so hard
• 05:29 – The critical lack of positive feedback in most organizations
• 11:28 – The role of trust in effective feedback
• 16:43 – The myth of the “trust account withdrawal”
• 20:16 – How directs’ experience with past bosses affects current relationships
• 23:00 – The necessity of briefing before making management changes
• 29:48 – Why practice and perseverance matter most

Takeaways & Summary

• Delivering negative feedback is tough primarily because of:

  • Past failures and systemic lack of training/support for managers
  • A widespread focus on negative rather than positive feedback
  • The critical need to build trust and rapport before giving negative feedback
  • Employees’ defensive mindsets shaped by previous negative management experiences
  • Managers failing to communicate new approaches before rolling them out
  • The discomfort of being new and bad at a skill, which only practice can overcome

• Action Steps:

  • Start with 1-on-1s to build trust (12 weeks recommended)
  • Introduce positive feedback first (for 8 weeks)
  • Only then, carefully, introduce negative feedback, after briefing your team
  • Normalize the learning curve and don’t fear initial awkwardness

This episode reinforces Manager Tools' foundational philosophy: effective feedback—especially negative—only happens in an environment of trust, clear communication, and practiced skill. There’s no shortcut around the hard work of relationship-building, but, as Mark puts it, “it’s the right thing to do.” (B, 35:14)