Gemma Spegg (4:43)
Welcome back. We're going to talk about this week's Mantra in just a few. But before we do, it's time for my highs, lows and who knows? Today I have who knows? I just moved into a new house. It has been both incredible, but also really exhausting, as anyone who has ever moved will understand. Something I've learned that may be able to help you, so please listen up is that we, as a society, as a species, we have too much stuff. I have too much stuff. Period. The amount of things I found myself just looking at and thinking I paid money for this. Like I let this take up space in my home. Terrifying. You know, I did not need three different soup ladle holders or that many spare blankets when I only have two beds and one couch. Like, I did not need my 2007 CD collection. So moving house has been a huge lesson in how my sentimentality has definitely created unnecessary clutter in my life. And my partner Tom had to be very strict with me and be like, you don't need this. Someone else is going to want this more. But honestly, I'm so excited for this next chapter. You know, the house needs a little bit of work and it will be an undertaking. But hey, you know what? It's mine and I just can't believe I'm saying that. So if you're following my personal Instagram Emma Spagh, you can keep up to date with my DIY diaries, including my next project, which is to put up over 20 meters of wallpaper. So, you know, you and I can both see how that turns out, how that goes. We might end up just painting over it, but we're going to figure it out together. All that in mind, let's focus on today's mantra. I allow myself to be happy with what I have. What a powerful mantra. What a humble mantra, really, to begin with. And I'm going to begin our discussion with asking you a very important question. When was the last time you sat down or looked around at your life and said, I am truly content with what I have right now. I wouldn't change a thing. I don't want for anything. I don't need to do anything more. I'm happy? When was the last time you felt that way? If you can recall any and my second question, and truly be honest here, how long did that last? I'm going to answer that question for you. From my perspective, I think I've only experienced that deep sensation of inner contentment and peace maybe once or twice in the last five years. The first was like at my book launch last year, like when I announced my book. And the second was when me and Tom were on vacation last year in New Zealand. And in both cases when I noticed it, I don't think it lasted for more than 24 hours before I was thinking again, oh, you know, if only we were doing this, it would be even more fun. Or I wish I had more friends who could be here with me. I wish I had that person's life or that person's apartment. Maybe if I buy this item of clothing, like, I'll finally have it all. I kept thinking almost immediately afterwards, I still haven't achieved everything yet, so I can't be happy right now because I'll lose my motivation. It seems like for many of us, we are constantly upping the stakes. We are raising the bar for ourselves, never actually realizing or pausing to think, oh, like, wait, will any of this ever be enough if I'm not internally satisfied? This cycle I'm in, when will it ever allow for more than a moment of satisfaction and pride in myself and my achievements. The answer is this mindset doesn't allow for that. And it's doing a number of things to us. It makes us always feel less than. It makes it feel impossible to be doing enough ever. It means we are perpetually in a state of longing or hustle, and only 1%, probably even less, are we actually happy with what we have. Honestly, I don't think you're to blame though. I really don't. You know, we've all been conditioned to think this way. You know, if you're not working for something more, you must be lazy, you must not appreciate your opportunities, you must be willing to settle. You must be wasting your time. The more more more mindset, that's what I call it. More, more more. And it comes about for a few reasons. Some psychological, some mental, some social, some cultural. So let's dive into a few. The first I want to talk about is this idea called hedonic adaptation. And it's one I think we all ought to know about. Hedonic adaptation, it's also known as the hedonic treadmill, is this psychological phenomena where we quickly return to a baseline level of happiness after experiencing positive or negative life changes. So whether it's getting a promotion, moving to a dream city, entering a new relationship, the initial excitement fades as we become accustomed to our new circumstances. This adaptation keeps us constantly seeking the next big thing, the next big thrill, believing that that's what's going to bring us happiness, only to find ourselves unsatisfied once again. As a result, we are often trapped in a cycle of chasing external achievements or possessions mistakenly thinking that they will provide lasting fulfillment, when in reality our minds are always going to adjust and crave more. It links to the when I get there illusion that is often experienced by high achievers or very ambitious individuals. Olympians, for example, actually have their own version of this called gold medal syndrome, where basically, and you don't have to be an Olympian to experience this, but essentially we spend so much time delaying our happiness or working really hard for something, believing that that big achievement is going to bring us long term fulfillment or a very happiness deposit, only to find ourselves there, gold medal in hand, accomplished and completely disappointed because we've realized that we've sold ourselves a lie. It was never about the achievement. This changes nothing if our mindset and our attitude does not follow. High achievers are so prone to this because in some ways we have been led to believe and we have bought into this idea that our output and our accomplishments Determine our work worth. The thing is, this is often quite shallow. It's like when we hold this accomplishment in our hands or we finally get to it, we think, is this really it? And in order to not feel like we've wasted our time or to be crushed by disappointment, instead we go, oh, you know, now this was just a decoy, like, the real thing is coming. There's something even bigger I have to work towards, something I need to work even harder for again, the cycle. It's this strange belief system many of us have that we need to earn our happiness as well. We can't just be content with what we have. We have to work for it, for it to mean something. And as a result, we almost search in some ways for areas where we are dissatisfied to justify our deeper feelings of insecurity, that we don't deserve it yet, that we haven't worked hard enough. Part of this is also comparison. What do other people have? Would I be happier if I was more like them? If I did what they did, I could be doing more. Because here they are and they look amazing and happy and fulfilled and perfect. Maybe if I was just more like them, this feeling of insecurity, like I'll never be enough, like I'll never be happy, will go away. This is, and I hate to say it, a fallacy, especially when we're talking about the fakeness and artificiality of social media. And I'm saying that as someone who posts a lot to social media, it's not real. Please, please listen to me when I say this is the only thing you take from this episode. It is not real. The times I have been the saddest in my life have been when I have been most active and cheery on Instagram or social media or Facebook because I felt like I had to convince myself I was okay by convincing others. Remember influencers, or even just most people who post a lot online, they have a vested interest in keeping your attention and giving off an unattainable image. Either because they want to sell you something, they have a brand to uphold, they want to be admired, or they just want to believe it themselves. Comparison, as they say, it's the thief of joy. And we were never meant to be able to see the lives of so many people. This, you know, the way we live right now, it's unnatural and it's actually kind of harmful. So it's important to remember the things and the lives other people have. Do not minimize your life in any way. A chocolate cake and a carrot cake. They are both delicious. As is a cookie, as is a brownie. Even if they taste different, look different, even if they are made differently. Hopefully that metaphor makes sense to you. Your life is still wonderful. Even if from the outside someone else's life looks different or tastier. If you're still satisfied, if you still feel happy, why are you questioning that? But secondly, what does their potential happiness, even if it's greater than yours, have to do with you? What does that take from you? And the answer is nothing. I also find it really valuable when I do naturally dip into a comparison mindset, which we all do at times. There's no shame. But what I like to remind myself is that my comparison is never complete. So if I'm thinking, wow, her life looks incredible, I always force myself to add an and to the end of that sentence. Wow, her life looks so incredible. And so does mine. Wow, she seems perfect. And I'm sure that's not the whole picture. Wow, I wish I had more of what he did. And maybe someday I will. And listen, it's your choice whether you want to feel satisfied or continue to live in competition with yourself. Really, it's a choice. And if you want to feel miserable and bitter, you can do that. But I don't think that's what you want to feel because deep down you know you have enough and that this life is wonderful. And you know that room for improvement is just code for I'm putting too much pressure on myself. So let's talk about how to walk away from this mindset and be happy with what we have. When we slow down long enough to sit with what we already have, we start to realize how much of our peace depends on the permission we've been waiting to give ourselves, to feel good about ourselves and feel good about our lives. And that is a power that is in our own hands. So, coming up, let's get personal. I've been noticing how often I skip over my own joy, how even when life is good, I'm already looking for the next big thing. So let's talk about it. Let's unpack where that pressure comes from for me and what it really looks like to just let yourself be happy with what we have. Stay tuned. We'll be right back after this brief pause.
