← Mantra with Jemma Sbeg
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- [00:00]
Gemma Spag
Foreign this is Open Mind. Welcome to a brand new week. Here is your Mantra I am at peace with my past, present and my future. I'm your host, Gemma Spag, and I'm here to guide you toward a more centered and fulfilling life. Each week I'll share personal stories and insights that are focused on a specific mantra, plus journal prompts and a weekly challenge for all of us to help put it into action. Think of Mantra as your mental reset button, a way to basically stay centered as you juggle work, school, family, whatever else life throws at you. Each mantra is a simple, powerful phrase you can repeat to refocus your thoughts and bring a bit of calm into your day and into your week. It's a small tool with a big impact, clearing your mind mind, hopefully lifting your mood and rooting you in the present. If you've listened to my other show, the psychology of your 20s, you know I'm all about those little nuggets of insight that make a big impact. So whether you are looking for some extra inspiration or you're trying to ground yourself amidst the chaos, you have come to the right place. At Open Mind, we value your support. Share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate, review and follow Mantra to help others discover Discover the show. For more exclusive content, monthly bonus episodes, early access and ad free listening, join our Open Mind plus community on Apple Podcasts. This week I'll catch you up on what's been going on in my life and then we'll dive into today's mantra. I'm at peace with my past, present and future. This mantra is all about finding calm and acceptance in every phase of life. Whether you're working through old regrets, you are navigating present challenges, or you're feeling really uncertain about what's ahead, Stick around. We'll be right back after this short pause.
- [02:15]
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- [03:15]
DSW
Where'd you get those shoes?
- [03:17]
Gemma Spag
Easy.
- [03:17]
DSW
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- [03:47]
Gemma Spag
Welcome back. We are going to get into this week's mantra in just a few seconds, but before we do, let's talk about my highs, lows and who knows. And today I'm going to go with a who knows because I have a TV show recommendation that needs to be heard. It is a current obsession and it applies to this mantra, possibly in the most perfect way that you would think that someone wrote this show with this mantra in mind. The TV show is called Shrinking and it is on Apple tv. It, it has Harrison Ford in it, Jason Segel, Brett Goldstein, and it's basically about this father and daughter who, the wife died, the mother died, it's absolutely heartbreaking. She was killed by a drunk driver and the father is a therapist who is in his own grief whilst also trying to help other people with their problems, trying to be a good dad. And for such a sad, sad kind of synopsis of a TV show, it is absolutely heartwarming, brilliant, wonderful, joyful, funny, and it really tackles topics like regret and like forgiveness and can anyone change from what they've done in the past? How do you focus on the future when something tragic and awful happens to you? I started watching it when I was in New Zealand because I was a big fan of Brett Goldstein's other show, Ted Lasso, which is also a standout for me. But shrinking takes the cake. I cannot recommend it enough, especially if you're interest in like wellness psychology, therapy, self help. That is like the main theme of this show and they discuss it so brilliantly. You would think that I was being paid for this. I'm totally not. I'm just such a huge fan of this show and I think that the themes are just absolutely wonderful and human and nourishing. So Shrinking on Apple tv. You should definitely give it a watch. Tell me what you think about the first episode. Okay, so with that in mind, let's get into it. It is time for this week's mantra. I'm at peace with my past, present and future. Choosing this today, I knew I was in store for a big one because holding all of these versions of us at once is so hard and finding a way to talk about it that even feels harder. But I think what this mantra really comes down to is deep self acceptance and self trust. Accepting every version of you that's come before, even the versions of you that you don't actually like that much. But also trusting that you can rely on any future version of you that is yet to come into existence. That this future version of you is going to be skillful, is going to have your best interests in mind. I think another important part of this mantra is being where you are now. Not needing to ruminate constantly on all your mistakes, all your cringy moments, all the things that you'd wish you'd done differently, but equally not just waiting for a better version of you. Not always just looking to the future, either with expectancy or fear, because, well, the past and the future, both of those are a place that you'll never be. There is only one present. There is only right now. And making peace with that is so important, even if we don't always prioritize it. I want to begin by making peace with the past. There are a couple of ways, in fact, now that I think about it, countless ways in which the past can create a lot of unresolved emotions within us. Firstly is past trauma and memories that we would much, rather much sooner forget than remember. We have past guilt, and with that, past mistakes, feeling like we have done someone wrong, feeling like we have misstepped, and past regret over those mistakes, but also over missed opportunities. And another big way that we ruminate on the past is in terms of past relationships, unresolved conflicts, or what I like to call beginnings with no endings. And when I talk about relationships, I don't just mean romantic partners. I mean friends as well. I even mean family beginnings with no endings. A relationship that was once so nourishing and promising and amazing that now seems to have fallen off or isn't in existence anymore. You two aren't talking. The past is really the keeper of a lot of secrets and of a lot of regrets. These are the few that really jump out at me. And I'm sure there are more. But all of these have something in common. And they are really united by this idea of what if? What if I'd said something differently? What if I'd said yes instead of no? What if I just called them? What if I could go back to the past and do it all again differently and perfectly knowing what I know now? So I spoke about this book a few weeks ago called the Midnight Library. And this book discusses this perfectly. It discusses this idea that I think a lot of us have, that if we could go back with the knowledge we have now, we could create a perfect life for us. We could avoid a whole lot of pain, a whole lot of trauma, a whole lot of distress. And in the Midnight Library, the author, Matt Haig, he basically spends 300 pages exploring the idea of what it would actually be like if we had that opportun. What would happen if we could have a do over and if we could explore all the ways things could have turned out. And that is the whole premise of this book. And through this exercise, he reaches a really beautiful conclusion. No version of events ever turns out how we think it will. In every instance in this book, the protagonist basically finds herself disappointed. And we tend to glamorize the lives we haven't lived. And we glamorize a life without mistakes, without guilt, because. Because all of those things are so painful. But it's a hard truth that it's also brought you to where you are now. And that might not be comforting at this very moment, but how could you ever know that if things had gone differently, you would be any happier? I think that we place a lot of expectation on these what if scenarios, not realizing that the scenario we're currently living is also a what if for a different scenario, if that makes sense. So of all the possibilities and how they could turn out, it just happens that this is the one that we're in. And we have to be happy and accept that that must be for a reason. There must be some reason that we are here and that things turned out the way that they did. Let me use the example of past love, of a lost love. I think when we are encountering or thinking about a relationship that went wrong that ended in heartbreak, we have this ideal of all the ways that it could have succeeded. I used to think about this a lot with people that I dated. And the relationship hadn't worked. And for months afterwards I would think, but what if we gave it another chance? What if that terrible argument hadn't happened? What if they just liked me more? What if I liked them more? All of these hypotheticals and these possibilities. And in those thoughts, I remember being like, this is a fantasy. This is if everything had worked out and had been perfect. And the thing is, is that that is never going to happen. In no reality does everything work out perfectly. But I think the reason that we ruminate on the past and we sit in regret and guilt and mistakes is that we sell ourselves. This delusional idea that maybe they could have when that never would have been the case. Not only is the fantasy very unlikely, but all that energy that we are putting into keeping the image al obsessing over the what if it's actually keeping us from the what now, what now it happened. You cannot change it, no matter how much you want to overthink it. That's the common fallacy of ruminating and overthinking. That's why overthinking is such a insidious little beast. It gives you the mental illusion that you could change things if you just thought about them enough, when really you can't. So what you need to focus on now is who you are at this moment. What do you to be grateful for in the present? What mistakes perhaps paved the way to this life you're living now? As imperfect, but also as brilliant as it is, what can you control in the moment? What is yours to be influenced? I know it's much easier said than done to keep your feet firmly planted in the present. Sometimes it does just happen automatically. You know, you're at work, you're doing something super boring, and suddenly you're back in your high school classroom. You're back in that past breakup. You're back in the moment where you lost the. You lost the friend. But it's about letting yourself have that moment, actually, and then thinking again, what now? And what really helps me is to think, well, okay, now I'm going to choose to have a good time despite it all. I'm going to choose to see the silver lining. Because actually, seeing the silver lining is a choice. It's always going to be there. But you can choose to ignore it or not. And sometimes you want to ignore it because things are just terrible. But if you are fully being held captive by the past, I want you to really be where your feet are planted instead. And this is something known as episodic presence, choosing to really sink into the chapter or episode that you're in right now because it's just as important as the past. One day it will be the past. So I really like to reflect on what I love about the moment I'm in Now, I also like to really focus on very minute parts of my day and my. In those moments, as if they're kind of micro meditations. So if you're someone who really struggles with staying present and who equally hates the idea of meditating, I know that a lot of people always say, oh, have you tried mindfulness? Have you tried meditating? That might not be your thing, but you can actually anchor your meditation to an activity like eating or showering or exercising. Every night when I eat dinner, right, I have this very weird ritual, and it's a conscious decision that my first two bites of food, I have to imagine that I've never tasted food before. And I have to really taste those first few bites and appreciate the texture, the tastes that are coming up, the smells, the temperature. I have to feel my jaw chewing, my fork moving. That might not sound like meditating, but it is. It's training our attention and our awareness to be where we are right now. Just give it a go. Even if it doesn't help you, you can say that you tried. And I know that sometimes we have a natural fear of the present because it might not be where we want to be. There might be things happening in the present that we want to avoid. So even if it's not the final destination for you, even if you are not where you want to be, there's work to be done. Even if you're unhappy, it is all part of the story, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you think about it. But regardless, you get to change whatever it is you don't like, and that is the power of the present. All right, let's talk about the opposite direction. What happens when we are being pulled away from the present and into the future? I think we fail to find peace with the future, mainly because of our anxiety about the uncertainty of it all. We love worrying about the future because our anxiety thrives in ambiguity. When something is unknown, that is when our anxiety can be the most creative because it has fewer practical, realistic limitations. Right? Worrying about the present, it's very difficult because, you know, whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen pretty quickly. You know, we're in it. We are there right now. But when we worry about the future, oh, my gosh, our brain can have a field day. It's like a playground of everything that could possibly go wrong because there are so few limitations to what it can think. So when we catastrophize, the reason our brain does this is actually as a weird, twisted form of preparation. So almost like, if I can imagine the worst Case scenario, when it inevitably happens like I thought it would happen, at least I'm not going to be surprised. But really, I want you to consciously ask yourself, when was the last time that your worst case scenario actually happened? Really, it never turns out the way we feared it would. So all that mental preparedness and preparation, it's just a trick that your brain is playing on you. I get stuck in this trap a lot. I'll be the first to admit it, especially worrying about whether I'll be happy, worrying about finances. Is everything going to turn out okay? And you know, what's comforting for me is knowing that I can trust myself. Whatever happens. The opposite of anxiety is actually trust. And there will be curveballs. Things will happen, but thinking about them is just giving me a false sense of security, and it's costing me more than I'm gaining. I worry a lot about getting older, and I used to obsess over it. I would obsess over what was going to happen, trying to anticipate how my life would turn out. But it would create these huge gaps in my days where I would spend so much time worrying that I was actually missing what was happening right now. And that was quite sad because everything that I was worrying about, either it was going to happen or not. I couldn't control it. Whatever I thought it was going to happen or it wasn't going to happen. So because of that, why not just give myself the gift of the present? Why not just let myself be happy and appreciate what I had and trust that the future version of me, she could be trusted to sort it out? She could probably be trusted a lot more than the current version of myself because she'd be older, she'd be wiser, she'd be more experienced. So hopefully this makes sense to you. Hopefully it resonates with you. And maybe it won't be soothing. But for me, that thought really calmed me. The opposite of anxiety is trust. And so whilst I'm feeling anxious about the future, I also need to trust that the future version of me is going to be prepared to deal with it the same way that the current version of me is dealing with the present right now. All right, I know that there is a lot to unpack there, but remember, this mantra is about finding harmony across time. So learning to trust that the past has shaped you, the present is enough, and that the future also holds possibility. It's not just the bad things that are going to happen to you. It's so many good things that you also haven't been able to anticipate Coming up Let's Get Personal. I want to share how this mantra is showing up for me in my life and how I treat the past, but also how I make peace with the present. Stay tuned after this brief pause.
- [19:24]
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- [20:32]
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- [21:02]
Gemma Spag
We'Ve looked at the meaning behind today's mantra, it's time to get personal with you all and share some of my insights and my reflections about this phrase. When I chose this mantra, I did really sit with it for a while. And I sat with it because I knew that it applied to so many things that I've been considering and that I've gone through recently, but also things from a long time ago that I'm only just making peace with now, five, six, seven years later. And in talking about this mantra, I also want to talk about specifically our complicated relationship with the past by giving you guys a bit of an anecdote. Talking about a friendship of mine, a friendship that ended because of Me and the guilt. I carried about that for a long time. So this friend of mine, he was brilliant. He was amazing. We were very, very close when I was at university. And the friendship ended up failing because of a relationship that I was in, a romantic relationship. And this person that I was with was just not a great guy. And it was putting all of this strain on my other friendships. They were asking me not to see him, not to date him, not to bring him around, all of those things. When you're dating someone who isn't good for you and your friends know it before you do. And that relationship ended up costing me this friendship because it caused me to neglect this friend. It caused me to not think about their best interests. It caused me to do things that I really, really regret. And for a long time, four, five, almost six years now, I would think about this friend. You know, I'd apologize. But I was constantly thinking, how do I make this better? How do I make this right? I'm still thinking about it. I'm not even with this person anymore. Yet I cannot get over the fact that maybe this has revealed to me that I'm a bad person. And I think that this is really why we have so many issues with the past, specifically our own actions in the past. We think that the ways that we've behaved say something a lot bigger about who we are now. And in some ways, I do think that is the case. In some ways, I do think that past behavior is a reflection of character, but it's also not the whole story. It's probably only 5%, because we do have a capacity to change, to forgive ourselves, to forgive others. And so I think when it comes to accepting the past, we have to also hold space for a big, complicated truth, which is that people are capable of changing. And if you believe that other people are capable of changing, you should also be able to believe that you are as well. So if the thing that you are ruminating on from the past is to do with regret, is to do with guilt, is to do with past mistakes, have a bit of grace with yourself. Have a little bit of grace with the fact that the reason you're properly holding onto these things is evidence that you are ready to grow from them and ready to be a big a better person in the present and in the future. And when you are really being perhaps held captive by a past memory of someone else's actions, I want you to use the stop method. I want you to stop, pause, take a breath, observe your surroundings. I personally like to find something Moving and follow its movements. So a bird, a tree, a plane, a person. I follow them until they leave me my view, and then I proceed. I want to take all of the focus and the energy that I'm putting on the past and some memory that's coming up in my brain, in my mind, and turn that focus to what I can see, feel, hear, touch, smell. Right now. When I worry about the future, it's a totally different can of worms, isn't it? But what I like to think about is that I can choose to be anxious about the future, or I can choose to be excited about anxiety and excitement. As we know they activate the same areas of our brain, they actually feel remarkably similar. So when I say I'm excited about the future, I'm excited about the possibility. It takes that anxiety that I typically have and it turns it into something else. Specifically, what I like to turn my excitement towards is the possibility of it all. The empty space, you know, it's a blank canvas. Anything is possible. Things that I have not even dreamt of are going to happen to me that are going to be remarkable. And whilst our brain sees the empty space and thinks, this is terrible, everything awful is going to happen, I have no way of controlling this. We know that more realistically, a lot of amazing things are going to come with a lot of the unexpected things as well. Think about the best thing in your life right now. Pause for a second. Is it a friendship? Is it your job? Is it your pet, even? Is it your beautiful apartment that you just moved into? What are you most grateful for? And could you have ever imagined that thing 10 years ago? What friendship didn't you have five, 10 years ago? What book hadn't you read two years ago that's changed your life? What holiday have you been on that you never would have imagined you would have gone on? All of those things were delightful, beautiful surprises that your brain probably never considered happening to you before they did. And a lot more of those beautiful, magical, delightful things are coming your way. So when we adopt the mindset and the attitude of gratitude, we realize how much we have to look forward to by reflecting on what we have in the present and appreciating that there was a time we didn't know that we would have those things. And there was probably a time when we were terrified of the future. And yet here we are, living in the future of that past version of ourselves, and we're doing okay, and we have a lot to be thankful for. I think that really brings us to our deep thought of the day. The only way to deal with the past is to accept it as it is. And the only way to face the future is to embrace it as it unfolds. And the author of that quote is actually unknown. But when I read that quote, what really comes to mind is stillness, acceptance, being completely at the mercy of the past and of the future, and in that way, actually being more in control when we relax into whatever it is that we're struggling with. And when I say relax, what I mean is when we just accept that it's going to happen or that it has happened, actually, so much of the tension and the stress and the wanting to control everything seems to fade away. And what you're really left with is, I am capable. I am capable of accepting the past, of seeing out the future, and I'm also capable of just enjoying where I'm at right now. Now, now, I'd like us to take a few moments to pause and really sit with this mantra. In just a moment, you'll hear our custom music track, created to give you a space to absorb today's insights and consider how you might bring this mantra into your week and maybe even beyond. But if this practice isn't your style, if it doesn't resonate with you, feel free to skip ahead 30 seconds. But for those of you who enjoy this little micro moment of PE as you settle in, keep our mantra in mind. I am at peace with my past, present, and future. What is that bringing up for you? Maybe it's something we haven't spoken about yet. How does this mantra resonate with you? Up next, we're going to talk about how to put these insights into real action and bring this mantra to life. I'll share some journal prompts and, of course, our weekly challenge. So stick around for more after this quick break. Yeah, sure thing. Hey, you sold that car yet? Yeah, sold it to Carvana. Oh, I thought you were selling to that guy. The guy who wanted to pay me in foreign currency, no interest, over 36 months. Yeah, yeah. No. Carvana gave me an offer in minutes, picked it up and paid me on the spot. It was so convenient. Just like that. Yep.
- [30:31]
DSW
No hassle?
- [30:32]
Gemma Spag
None. That is super convenient.
- [30:35]
DSW
Sell your car to Carvana and swap.
- [30:36]
Gemma Spag
Hassle for convenience. Pickup fees may apply.
- [30:39]
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- [31:04]
Gemma Spag
9. Welcome back. Let's explore how to apply this week's mantra in a meaningful way and in your everyday life, starting with a journal practice. Now remember, if you don't actually have your journal with you right now, if you're driving, if you're cleaning, if you're doing something with your hands, you can just, just think about this one. Just think about it to yourself. So here are my three prompts for the week. First, for this exercise, I want you to reflect on a moment from your past that you've really struggled to accept. You know, for me, it was the end of that friendship. What emotions does it bring up? What might letting go of these feelings look like for you? I actually want to say with this prompt, I did this one recently. And when I thought about that situation, actually what I really came to is that letting go of that past guilt might actually make me a better friend in the present. And it might actually mean that I was more able to learn from the mistakes of that moment rather than having to carry them with me as penance. So I really, really loved this journal prompt. Next, what parts of your life right now feel in alignment with peace? Are there areas where you feel resistance or imbalance? Where you feel yourself being pulled to worrying about the future or caring too much about the past? If so, how could you start to address them? And finally, what fears about the future are on your mind at the moment? And I want you to consider the possibility that everything turns out okay, that none of these fears come true. What would that reality look like? Because it might be more likely. Okay, I've given you a lot to think about, as always, but there's more in store every week. I love giving you guys a challenge that features our mantra. It's really about taking this whole thing to another level so that you can put what we talk about into tangible, actionable steps for yourself. I also want to do some check ins so that we can hold ourselves accountable. You can reach out to me at Mantra Openmind to let me know how the challenge is going. We love reposting your little insights, reposting your stories, your little moments. And next week we'll do a recap on how things went. I might even share a few personal stories, with your permission, of course, just to help encourage our community to participate in the challenges in the future. And this is a two way street. So I'll be sure to let you know how things are going for me as well. So let's talk about last week week's challenge. As a reminder, our mantra last week was I am worthy of success and I will achieve my goals. I want to actually hop into some DMs straight away that we got from listeners because you guys had so many questions and so many brilliant ones this week. First of all, this one was from Amir. What advice would you give to someone who struggles with comparing their successes to others? How can we focus more on our own journey? The battle of social comparison and comparing ourselves to others I think is one that we've all found ourselves in at times because it's actually quite human. It's only natural to compare yourself to other people because other people are the social standard for ourselves. So we compare to make sure that we're not doing anything wrong, to make sure that we are meeting the socially acceptable standards of our society. So Amir, I firstly want you to totally be okay with the fact that comparison is a normal part of life, especially if you are someone who is ambitious or looking for success. But what I want you to consider is that your comparison and the comparison statements that you are making are not complete statements. So for example, you look at someone else and you go, wow, their life is so perfect. Or they are doing so much more than me. They are so much more fit than me, successful than me, financially stable than me. I wish I had that. So often when we compare, we have these statements of they are more than me so they have something that we don't have. I want you to take that statement and keep it the same. They are more successful than me and and I want you to add that and on the end they are more successful than me. And one day I'll be there as well. They are more successful than me and that means they could be a great role model. They are more successful than me and that doesn't define my own success. When you're struggling with comparison, I just want you to add in more information for your rather than thinking that someone else's excellence is the end of the conversation. This DM comes from Ashley. The journal prompts at the end of the episode were so helpful. I'm already starting to feel more clarity about my goals after writing my thoughts down and reflecting on them. That one comes from Ashley Again, that really does warm my heart. Journaling is such an important practice when you really think about it. How many times during your day, during your week, during the year, do you actually sit down and reflect on anything in detail about your life? So thank you, Ashley, for that beautiful statement. And now it's time for this week's challenge, and that is to create what I call a peace jar. So every day, write down one thing from your past or from the day that you just had that you're grateful for. One thing in the present that brings you joy, one hope or affirmation for the future. And at the end of the week, or even at the end of the month or the end of the year, you can read through them to reflect on the balance that you've created between these three aspects of your life. Right. The past, the present, and the future. Something you're grateful from for the past, something in the present that brings you joy and one hope or affirmation for the future. And you can also just do it randomly whenever you need a little bit of a pick me up whenever you're finding yourself being pulled between these two periods of time and not rooted in the present. I think that this exercise is a really, really gorgeous way to essentially just GR ourself. And as a reminder, reach out to entra openmind to share how this challenge is working for you. I want to see some pictures of these peace jars, and I'll make sure to share one of mine as well, because mine's pretty cute, and I think it could give you guys some inspiration. All right, as we wrap up this week's episode, I want to share a few final thoughts about this week's mantra. I'm at peace with my past, present, and future. What this really reminds me of is to actually just be okay with the chapter that I'm in right now. For me, I often find myself rushing into the future, almost wanting to see what happens, wanting to know the answers to all these big questions that I have about what's it going to be like in five years? Am I going to be happy in two decades? Sometimes that is not a helpful exercise. The most helpful exercise is to just fall in love and romanticize and be completely where you are now. Because one day, where you are now is going to be the past. It's going to be the thing that you are nostalgic of or that holds a grip on you. So the only thing that you really have is the present. And it's such a simple, cliche saying, but it's absolutely, entirely true. And the more you start to really value, cherish the present, the more that I think you feel and you experience less pressure to know what's out there for you to know what the future will hold, but also you feel less tired the parts of your past that are no longer helpful. So this week let the peace of all of that be your foundation. Honor the lessons of your past, embrace the beauty of your future, the opportunity, not just the potential negatives, and step towards your future self with calm, but also with deep self trust. Thank you for joining Mantra an exclusive Open Mind original powered by Pave Studios. At Open Mind, we value your support, so share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate, review and follow Mantra to help others discover the show. For ad free listening and early access to Mantra with me, Jemma Speg. We invite you to subscribe to Open Mind plus on Apple Podcasts. I'll share another insightful and introspective Mantra with you next Monday. Until then, keep showing up for yourself and your journey. I'm Gemma Speg. See you next week. Mantra is hosted by me, Gemma Spag and is an Open Mind original powered by Pave Studios. This episode was brought to life by the Mantra team. Max Cut Butler, Kristen Acevedo, Ron Shapiro, Stacy Warrenker, Sarah Carroll and Paul Liebeskind. Thank you for listening.