Podcast Summary: Mantra with Jemma Sbeg

Episode: I Am Not Afraid To Ask For What I Need

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: October 20, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode of "Mantra," Jemma Sbeg explores the mantra: "I am not afraid to ask for what I need." She delves into why so many people struggle to speak up for themselves, the roots of self-silencing, her personal experiences with this challenge, and practical strategies for learning to voice one’s needs. With the aid of journal prompts, psychological insight, and memorable quotations, Jemma empowers listeners to embrace self-advocacy as both a learned and liberating practice.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why Is It So Hard to Ask For What We Need?

[09:12]

• Jemma shares her lifelong struggle with asserting her needs, balancing wanting to honor her boundaries without being perceived as “demanding or bossy or controlling or obnoxious.”

  “It is a tightrope…I think many of us have tried to impossibly walk for a long time, and we have probably come to realize we would much rather at times sacrifice our own needs than dare inconvenience others.” (Jemma, 09:35)

Roots in Childhood and Social Conditioning

[10:10]

• Societal and familial expectations teach children, especially girls, to silence themselves to maintain approval and prevent alienation.
• Early lessons like “children should be seen and not heard” reinforce self-silencing.
• Self-sacrifice becomes associated with safety, acceptance, and survival.

Cultural and Sociological Layers

[12:55]

• The pressure to self-silence is not shared equally. Girls, individuals from collectivist cultures, and marginalized groups often bear a heavier burden.
• In collectivist societies, harmony trumps individual needs; in marginalized communities, asking is sometimes viewed as entitlement.

2. Common Manifestations of Self-Silencing

[15:30]

• Downplaying discomfort (“It’s fine, it’s fine” when it isn’t)

• Allowing others to cross boundaries—romantic, friendship, or workplace

• Over-apologizing (“Sorry to bother you…” or “I hate to ask this…”)

• Hinting rather than direct communication

• Chronic people-pleasing and staying silent to avoid conflict

• Internalized guilt after reasonable requests

  “Almost as if you have to be apologetic for just being alive and existing in someone’s space.” (Jemma, 17:44)

3. The Psychological Toll of Not Asking

[19:20]

• Habitual self-abandonment erodes self-respect and healthy identity.

• Over time, being the “easy” or “accommodating” one feels like personality—but it’s often a survival strategy.

• Assertiveness “atrophies” like an unused muscle.

• The cycle leads to learned helplessness—eventually people stop even trying to ask for what they need.

  "We begin mistaking self abandonment for personality and confuse what are often survival strategies with authentic traits.” (Jemma, 20:45)

• The longer someone remains disconnected from expressing their needs, the greater the likelihood of feeling isolated, resentful, and emotionally disconnected.

• Ironically, trying to maintain harmony by staying silent creates “internal chaos and also external relational distance.” (Jemma, 23:42)

4. Jemma’s Personal Story: What Changed for Me

[28:00]

• Jemma confides that she spent years in relationships under-asking, thinking if she was as undemanding as possible, people would stay:

  “I thought that the easier I was to be with, the less I asked for, the more likely people were to stay. Which is wild to think of.” (Jemma, 29:10)

• It never worked; those people still left or didn’t love her in the way she needed.
• Lesson: “It was never about how small I could make myself and how much I could deny my needs. It was always about them.” (Jemma, 30:50)

Practical Strategies for Asking for What You Need

Reframing Communication

[31:44]

• Clarity is kindness: let people know what you need rather than expecting them to read your mind.

  “By stating clearly what we need…we actually give people the opportunity to show up for us in ways that are real and meaningful.” (Jemma, 32:34)

Micro-Moments of Assertiveness

[34:18]

• Start small: Make low-stakes requests (where to eat, asking for clarification), building up your “evidence bank” that most requests are met with neutrality or kindness.

Challenge the “Burden” Narrative

[36:08]

• Notice the stories you tell yourself about being “too much.”
• Flip the script: would you view a friend’s reasonable request as a burden?

Build Self-Trust

[37:30]

• Every time you ask, you reinforce to yourself: “I am responsible here. I’m not going to abandon you. You can trust me.” (Jemma, 38:10)

• The more you ask, even imperfectly, the sturdier your relationship with yourself becomes.

  “The act of asking alone in itself is transformative because it closes the gap between what I feel inside and how I live outside.” (Jemma, 39:24)

Journal Prompts and Action Steps

[44:22]

1. When was a time in your past that you needed something but chose not to ask for it? What impact did that decision have?
2. Where in your life right now do you find it hardest to speak up about what you need?
3. What opportunities could open up if you trusted that your needs were valid and worth naming?

Notable Quote and Deep Thought of the Day

[43:07]

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”
— Oprah Winfrey

Jemma’s reflection:

“Courage is like the bridge between wanting and receiving…if we never ask, the answer will always be no by default…asking is not weakness. This is a profound sign of personal strength.” (Jemma, 43:32)

Final Reflections

[47:40]

• This mantra asks us to get comfortable with discomfort—and to recognize that fear is often a liar, blocking us from new possibilities.
• Asking isn’t about entitlement; it’s about self-respect and embracing our one life fully.
• Every small act of asking builds alignment, courage, and honest connection—with others and ourselves.

“When we give ourselves permission to ask for what we need, we also just stop waiting for other people to read our minds and instead we start to really build connections and build a connection with ourself based on honesty and self trust.” (Jemma, 48:51)

Episode Structure & Key Timestamps

• Opening/The Mantra: 00:00 – 09:12
• Why We Don’t Ask for What We Need: 09:12 – 19:20
• Manifestations of Self-Silencing: 15:30 – 19:20
• Psychological Consequences: 19:20 – 23:42
• Personal Story: 28:00 – 31:44
• Practical Strategies: 31:44 – 39:24
• Journal Prompts & Deep Thought: 43:07 – 45:40
• Final Reflection: 47:40 – End

This episode offers a rich, honest, and actionable exploration into the power—and transformative challenge—of asking for our needs, highlighting that doing so is not only a vital act of self-advocacy but also a pathway toward greater self-alignment and authentic connection.