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Foreign this is Open Mind. Welcome to a brand new week. Here is your mantra I'm not afraid to ask for what I need. I'm Jemis Beg and every Monday I give you a simple but powerful phrase to consider and bring into your life. A little philosophy to guide you in the week ahead and hopefully even beyond. In each episode, I unpack what our Mantra really means, how it has shown up in my own life, and how you can bring it into yours with journal prompts, tips, psychological strategies to help you take this mantra and put it into action at Open Mind. We really value your support, so please make sure to share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate what you review and also follow Mantra to help others discover the show. For more exclusive content, monthly bonus episodes, early access and ad free listening, join our Open Mind plus community on Apple Podcast. Each month I respond to your questions and comments in bonus episodes, so also make sure to leave a comment, a dilemma, a question in this episode, or you can DM us on Instagram @mantra openmind. If you want to be included in one of those future episodes, stick around. We will be right back after this short pause. If you missed my live show, don't stress you can still be part of it. The full thing is available on demand at Pave Live, but only until November 30th. So if you want to catch the real talk, the big feelings and the unfiltered VIP after party, this is your chance. Head to Pave Live now and watch the full video before it disappears. Did you know that gum disease has been strongly linked to cardiovascular issues like stroke and heart attacks? At Smile Generation, oral health is treated like what it really is, the gateway to your entire body. The mouth is literally the unsung hero of your overall health. When you take care of it, you improve your entire well being. 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I'm seriously so ready for this episode because this is the episode I need to hear. And I'm sure for a lot of you, you feel the same way. This is a struggle I've had for perhaps my whole life. I cannot think about a time when I did not have this problem since I was a young child. Like trying endlessly to walk the tightrope between honoring my boundaries and asking for what I need, but also not wanting to come off as too demanding or bossy or controlling or obnoxious. It is a tightrope. I think many of us have tried to impossibly walk for a long time, and we have probably come to realize we would much rather at times sacrifice our own needs than dare inconvenience others. And not only is that a serious problem, but I want to talk about why that actually takes place in the first place. The habit of self silencing, self sacrificing, putting ourselves second. It has its roots, of course, in childhood, as I have alluded to. No surprises here. I think we all kind of know this, but let me give you a deeper explanation as to how exactly this happens. From an early age, we are very much conditioned to believe that being too demanding risks alienating others and making people not like us, not want to be our friend, dismiss us, think of us as rude. This happens in really subtle ways, but I think it really starts with this outdated idea that children should be seen and not heard. Families, schools, peer groups all play a role in shaping this belief. For instance, a child who was told not to make a fuss when they express discomfort is one such example. Or a child being praised for being the easy one. These instances allow us to quickly learn that silence and self sacrifice are rewarded with approval. And over time, this conditioning builds an association between asking for what we need and the risk of conflict, rejection, being labeled as difficult. So it becomes safer, in a psychological sense, to suppress our desires rather than assert them. The psychological and social weight of these early messages is very heavy because it strikes at a core developmental task. Whether we seek attachment or acceptance as children, you know, our survival depends on being accepted by caregivers, accepted by people around us, people in our community. So if we sense that our needs frustrate these people or burden them, we unconsciously equate asking for help with then losing love and losing approval. People may pull away, people may turn away from us, make us feel terrible. We are hardwired to be fearful of that and want to avoid those instances. And so again, we're battling two contradictory desires. The desire to be helped and held and heard, and the desire to be praised and loved and not scolded or pushed away. At some stage, we have learned that maybe we could actually support ourselves emotionally. We can remain silent and also fulfill our needs independently, without burdening other people so that we aren't seen as a troublemaker. So we are, at some stage, all of us, forced to compromise. Now, this learnt behavior is not taught equally. This is obviously not going to surprise many of you, but sociologically, culturally, this pattern definitely reflects broader norms around gender, around class, even around power. Girls bear the brunt of this more in early life, and we could go into an entire history lesson as to why that is. There's no need for us to do it now. We just know that it does happen. What starts when we're young only transforms when we're older. Girls are socialized to prioritize harmony and to avoid being seen as pushy or selfish or loud, meaning they are more likely to silence their needs, not just when they are children, but later on in life, in their relationships, in the workplace, even with their friends. It just kind of becomes part of their, like, operation manual without us even realizing that we're doing it. You know, if I put others above myself, I will receive the ultimate prize, which is love and acceptance. But when we're young, when we're children, when we're teenagers, even in our early 20s, we don't always realize the long term cost of that. I also think people from collectivist cultures as well experience this more intensely. They may avoid making explicit demands because communal harmony is valued above individual preference. People in marginalized groups as well may hesitate to speak up because they fear that their requests will be perceived as entitlement or ingratitude, which reinforces existing inequalities even further. Again, there's a lot of history in this that I really would ask you to go and have a look at, and there are thousands of examples as well of what this may look like, not just for women, not just for marginalized communities, but for everyone. For example, being afraid to ask for what you want and what you need may manifest as downplaying your discomfort, saying, you know, it's fine, it's fine when it clearly isn't. It may be that you tolerate a partner crossing a boundary, or a friend crossing a boundary, or a colleague overloading you with work, and just continue to insist to yourself and to others that you can handle it even when you don't have to. Over apologizing. This one's a classic, framing requests with sorry to bother you or I hate to ask this as a way of softening the perceived demand or just saying sorry way too much, almost as if you have to be apologetic for just being alive and existing in someone's space. Indirect communication is another sign of this hinting it needs rather than just like outright stating them. This isn't manipulative, it's just like a learned behavior, once again so that we don't come off as needy people. Pleasing as like a general pattern of behavior again contributes to this because you feel that if you were to say no, if you were to not put other people first, this is going to put you in danger of being rejected or outcasts, so you overextend yourself to accommodate other people. Staying silent in relationships is another one, avoiding difficult conversations and also internalized guilt, feeling selfish or guilty even when you do make an entirely reasonable request, and then afterwards replaying it in your mind and wondering if you've asked for too much, if people are now talking about you, thinking about you, if you've burdened them the way that you always allow yourself to be burdened. Ironically, over time, these small accommodations for others, these small, very tiny moments of self abandonment build up and can have really severe psychological consequences. When we repeatedly silence our own needs, our sense of self begins to erode psychologically. We Know that identity is shaped not only by how we see ourselves, but also by how we allow ourselves to exist in relation to others. Every time we override our discomfort or we swallow our truth or whatever it is, we reinforce the belief that our wants and feelings are secondary, less valid, even burdensome. We begin to personally reinforce this even after other people have been the ones to initially plant the seed. Over time, this internal message becomes part of our self concept. We actually start to believe that we are the easy one. This is part of who we are. We are the accommodating one. We are the person who doesn't ask for much. Maybe we even feel a sense of pride in that. The danger is that we begin mistaking self abandonment for personality and confuse what are often survival strategies with authentic traits. Our ability to advocate for ourself also weakens. I think like any muscle, assertiveness atrophies if it goes unused. Each time we avoid asking for what we need, the act of speaking up feels more intimidating and unnatural. We may start to overthink or catastrophize potential outcomes. Convince ourselves that even the smallest request will lead to rejection or conflict, and it becomes harder and harder and harder to speak up. In psychology, this pattern mirrors something we know as learned helplessness. When our attempts to assert needs feel dangerous or fruitless, we stop trying altogether. Because we had learned that maybe the outcome will never change eventually. Even in situations where our needs could easily be met, we've trained ourselves into silence, which perpetuates cycles of just resentment and dissatisfaction, and sometimes loneliness as well. This constant suppression, you know, it does take a toll on our emotional well being. When there is this chronic gap between our inner world and our outward behavior. What we need versus what we ask for. We definitely feel disconnected from our own lives. Someone described this to me like an outsider watching ourselves perform. And the longer we live in this state of dissonance, the harder it again becomes to experience genuine joy or intimacy. Because so much of our energy is spent on managing others perceptions rather than living in alignment with who we really are. At its core, this pattern is again an often socially acceptable and praised form of self abandonment that we take all the burden for and we experience the most pain trying to keep up. The paradox is also that in trying to maintain harmony by staying silent, we create internal chaos and also external relational distance. And reversing this really requires not just learning to ask for what we need, but relearning that our needs are worthy of being met. That we are worthy of being heard. Okay, I'm going to talk about the times I've struggled to ask for what I need and what changed when I finally did right after this short break. Why are more women than ever choosing Natural Cycles? The hormone free, side effect free way to take control of your fertility. Natural Cycles is a birth control app that uses your temperature to find your fertile window. It is more than a basic cycle tracking app. Natural Cycles is the only FDA cleared and CE marked birth control app and has helped millions prevent and plan for pregnancy naturally. Save 15% when you sign up today with code RADIO15. Learn more@natural cycles.com get smoother, brighter skin instantly in one easy step, Dermalogica's Daily Microfoliant gives you the smooth, glowy skin you want without damaging your skin barrier. This gentle exfoliating powder activates with water to smooth out rough texture and brighten skin. It's powerful enough to deliver results, yet gentle enough to use every single day, even on sensitive skin. See the results for yourself, visit dermalogica.com and use code smooth at cart for an exclusive free gift with 65 purchase welcome back. Now that we've looked at the meaning behind today's mantra, I am not afraid to ask for what I need. It's time to get personal with you guys and share some of my own insights, some of my own reflections about this phrase. So as I mentioned before, this has been a bad habit of mine for a while and like most of us, it really showed up for me in relationships and staying silent when I really should have asked for more. I should have asked for more acts of kindness, more interest in my daily life, more moments of intimacy, more patience, more of a lot of things. I thought that the easier I was to be with, the less I asked for, the more likely people were to stay. Which is wild to think of. Like it just illustrated that I thought of myself purely as a convenient person to love rather than as someone who was so much more than that. Actually, the thing is, I'm not always convenient. I'm not a bare minimum person. I do deserve more attention and effort because I have a lot to give and even if I didn't, even if I was, I don't know, a below average person, which I don't think there are people like that. But even if I was, I'm still a human being whose needs are just as important as anyone else's. I need to remind you there is no hierarchy here. There is no person alive who deserves to be denied love and kindness and boundaries and respect. Here's the other thing here's the plot twist you were all probably expecting. Anyways, these people still didn't stay with me, even though I tried everything to make it as easy as possible for them to do so. Because it was never about me. It was never about how small I could make myself and how much I could deny my needs. It was always about them and the fact that, you know, at the end of the day, they didn't respect me. They didn't love me as I needed to be loved. It was not a me problem. And so nothing I did or tried would have been a solution to their deficits. So here is what I did to unlearn this and let me clarify, this was a long, long process. It is still very much ongoing. Literally last week I felt myself like just kind of going along with plans I was super unhappy with just because I felt a sense of obligation and I didn't want to be a nuisance. So I could lie and I could say, you know, I did something about this and I never have these issues anymore, but I still do. Sometimes it's just like that. But every single day I'm just trying to be better at being okay with seeing myself as maybe a little bit of a burden and that not being a problem. And what I think may be of help to similar chronic people pleasing types as well are some of the following strategies that I have implemented. One thing I have been reminding myself is that clarity and speaking openly about what I need, rather than waiting for someone to indirectly interpret it. That is kindness. That is a real act of kindness towards someone else. When we don't communicate our needs, we're not actually sparing others. We're leaving them to guess, to interpret, and often to fail us in ways that they never intended to. So by stating clearly what we need, whether that's space, support, even just a preference, we actually give people the gift. We give them the opportunity to show up for us in ways that are real and meaningful. Framing it like this I think helps soften the guilt. Asking isn't selfish, it's actually very generous because it creates more opportunities for someone to be the good person and it creates more honest relationships and it saves literally everyone from that quiet resentment that builds up over time when needs go unspoken. Every time I remind myself of that, it feels like a little bit easier to push past the instinct to keep quiet. Another tip is to just start by practicing very like low stakes requests, very like small things. Asking for what you need doesn't have to start with like a life changing confrontation or a dramatic declaration or Asking somebody for like their literal kidney. It can be as simple as telling your friend, like, I'd rather just go somewhere a bit more quiet, or asking your colleague to just like clarify something if you're a little bit confused. These like micro moments, they're very powerful because they slowly, in bite sized micro moments, retrain the nervous system to see that the world doesn't end. When you voice a need, even if it feels deeply uncomfortable in that moment, you still will live through it. And actually you may come out with a better situation for yourself. In fact, most of the time I think people are like 90% of the time really receptive, or like 8% of the time really neutral. Only like 2% of the time or less are they actually going to be negative about your request. Building this evidence bank of safe, successful outcomes slowly dismantles the fear that all requests will be met with rejection or annoyance. It's about repetition, it's not about perfection. It's just asking you to build up small acts that will accumulate and accumulate and build confidence in the future. A third practice is challenging the stories we tell ourselves about being a burden. Often the fear of asking is really rooted in assumptions. Like, they will think I'm too much, they'll resent me, they'll leave me. But if we pause and ask ourselves whether those thoughts are facts or fears, we usually realize they're just projections from past experiences or childhood conditioning. And just because something has happened in the past actually doesn't predict whether it's going to happen in the future. In reality, most of us are far more compassionate towards other needs than we are towards our own. Flipping this perspective, if my friend asked me for this, would I think they were too demanding? Flipping that narrative between what you would think about someone else and how you would have no issue helping them allows you to really reveal to yourself what other people are also probably thinking about your requests. Finally, it's been really crucial for me to reframe asking as an act of self trust Every time I voice a need. Even if it's like clumsy or imperfect or I have to do it a couple of times, I'm sending myself the message of like, I am responsible here. I'm not going to abandon you. You can trust me. That's huge. Over time, this builds a sturdier relationship with myself, with ourselves. One where happiness and comfort, they aren't perpetually sacrificed for external approval doesn't mean I always get what I ask for. But the act of asking alone in itself is transformative because it closes the gap between what I feel inside and how I live outside. It is about once again, choosing authenticity over appeasement, choosing alignment over avoidance. And that shift, even in small doses, has really started to change not just how I see myself, but how I experience my relationships. Okay, after the break, going to share some journal prompts and some further tips. Also, our deep thought of the day to help you put this all into action. Because we can talk about these things all we want, but the real shift definitely happens when we start practicing it in small, intentional ways. So stick around. If you're an experienced pet owner, you already know that having a pet is 25% belly rubs, 25% yelling drop it. And 50% groaning at the bill from every pet visit. 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I'll be talking to top researchers and clinicians and bringing vital information about midlife women's health directly to you. 100% of women go through menopause. Even if it's natural, why should we suffer through it? Listen to Decoding Women's Health with Dr. Elizabeth Poynter wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back. This week's mantra to remind you is I am not afraid to ask for what I need. And it's time to really ground ourselves in this phrase, starting with, of course, our deep thought of the day. You know who this one comes from? It comes from Oprah Winfrey. This is the quote that really stood out to me from her you get in life what you have the courage to ask for. I think this quote means that so much of again, what we want in life, whether it's opportunities through work, whether it's support, whether it's love or fairness, it often doesn't just arrive on its own. We have to be willing to voice it, to advocate for ourselves to say out loud what we need to go after what we want. Courage is like the bridge between wanting and receiving, right? If we never ask, the answer will always be no by default. But when we do yes, the answer may still be no, but we open the door to the possibility of a yes. It's also a reminder that asking again is not weakness. This is a profound sign of personal strength. Having the courage to ask shows that you believe your needs and desires are valid and worth honoring, and people will respond to that even if you don't always get exactly what you want. Again, the act of asking in itself builds self respect and it sets the tone for how others treat you. In that sense, I think this quote is really less about outcomes and again it's more about self trust. Trusting that you deserve to take up space in your own life. Trusting that asking for things is better than not asking for them and may bring about unexpected rewards okay, let's slow down and introduce some journal prompts into the mix. These questions. They're here to help you check in with yourself and to kind of see what's coming up for you and where this mantra may be guiding you even after this episode. First, when was a time in your past that you needed something but chose not to ask for it? And what impact did that decision have on you? Next, where in your life right now do you find it hardest to speak up about what you need? And finally, what opportunities could open up if you trusted that your needs were valid and worth naming? Okay, let's give your mind a little moment to rest here to maybe contemplate these things even further. In just a second, you will hear a music track and I just encourage you to take this opportunity to process this week's reflections in whatever way feels right for you right now. No pressure, no expectations. And if this isn't something you connect with, that's also totally okay. Just Skip ahead about 30 seconds as you settle in. Keep our mantra in mind. I am not afraid to ask for what I need. As the music plays, let this mantra just kind of shape your thoughts and take the time to connect with whatever it is bringing up for you. Alrighty. As we wrap up this week's episode, I want to share a few final thoughts about this mantra. I'm not afraid to ask for what I need. I think what's really profound about this Mantra is that it invites you to feel uncomfortable about this. It says it's okay if this is not a natural instinct for you, but it also says that your fear may be lying to you and is probably holding you back from like a whole new universe of opportunities. Also, to get existential, you know, you really only get one life. Are you going to be silent? Are you going to let other people get what they want and you never receive just to make them happy? Or are you gonna seriously ground yourself for a second in how special this life is and how deserving you actually are and go forward with not a sense of entitlement but a sense of self respect that you deserve just as much as anybody else. Even if it's small things, even if it's big things, you deserve those things. Don't be afraid to ask for them. When we give ourselves permission to ask for what we need, we also just stop waiting for other people to read our mind minds and instead we start to really build connections and build a connection with ourself based on honesty and self trust. No matter how small the ask is, it is an exercise in building greater self alignment, greater courage and going after what you believe you deserve and need. Thank you for joining Mantra, an exclusive Open Mind original powered by Pave Studios. At Open Mind, we really value your support, so please share your thoughts on social media and remember to rate, review and follow Mantra to help others discover the show for ad free listening and early access to the show. Make sure to join Open Mind plus on Apple Podcast. I'll share another Mantra with you next Monday. Until then, keep showing up for yourself and your journey. I'm Gemma Spaeg. See you next week. Mantra is hosted by me, Jammer Spag and is an Open Mind original powered by Pave Studios. This episode was brought to life by the Incredible Mantra Team. Max Cutler, Ron Shapiro, Stacy Warrenker, Sarah Camp, Jen Passavoy and Paul Lieberskin. Thank you for listening. If you missed my live show, do not worry, you can still watch it on demand until November 30th. Head to pave Live to catch the Real Talk, Big Feelings and the unfiltered VIP after party before it's gone.